Who I Am

Another little something I wrote awhile back...

Who I Am

I'm more than the clothes I wear

Or even how I fix my hair

I daydream my days away

Don't have a lot to say

I've built many walls around me

Tearing some down, all part of my story

I keep making many mistakes

Learning lessons along the way

Seen my share of love and hate

Sometimes worries keep me up late

My beliefs will not be shook

My life has a bright outlook

Now there are chapters to review

This tale will have to be continued

As I walk this land

To find out who I am

I miss the 90's

Memories are such an odd thing, great but odd in how  people remember things differently and how certain parts stick with them more than others. I guess that's what makes us all unique though. I just find it fascinating how a smell, song, TV show, or a number of other things can suddenly transport you to a time in the past and make you think of someone or an event in ones life. I guess I got on this big kick cause for some reason I've  been wanting to listen to music from the 90's. Now thanks to Pandora as I've been listening to these songs I've suddenly been transported back to the day and certain memories have opened up that I had put away in one of my many little file cabinets in my brain. I saw something earlier today about how 90's fashion might be coming back around, I'm still up in the air about how I feel about that! It's funny how the 90's seem like they were so long ago. I think since I'm getting close to spending my last year in my 20's I'm just starting to feel old or I'm just in a really nostalgic mood. The 90's were like the beginning of the end, TV was more about sitcoms instead of 'reality', there was a reason to say TGIF, the music was all in all good....yup, I miss the 90's.

Just a thought

What a tragic and sad ending to Mindy McCready's life, and so sad of how many others in this world that are on that road and are or may see that as the only way out. I have to say it's sickening the comments I've been reading online of what people have to say about this. I personally don't even think you should be allowed an opinion unless you have been there. Do I think she made the right choice? I have no idea, I think she made the only choice that she had left. It's amazing how people act like people choose to get to that mentality. Perhaps some of the choices she made didn't help her and made things worse for her and those may have been her own undoing but I do believe that there was a lot that wasn't by choice because of mental issues. It's funny as soon as you say that people just think you're crazy and almost push you aside, like you're not even worth helping, you're just a waste of societies time and breath. I even read a comment that the person stated she did feel sorry for her but since she allegedly killed her dog then she deserved to die and she should rot in hell. I've also read comments that people bring God into it, which is fine, but they bring Him into it with a light that makes me wonder if they serve the same God I've read about and serve because these people are so condemning, judgmental and at times it's like they happily type she may be in hell now where they claim she deserves to be. If anyone that claims to be a Christian  can easily say someone deserves to rot in hell, either they again aren't reading about the same hell I read about or are extremely cold hearted and need to let God work on them. I also wonder if these same people were as quick to throw up a prayer for her or people in general that are fighting their own demons. Whatever her faults were and others that see this as their last hope no one deserves to get to this point and feel this hopeless. It seems that if people would put as much effort in saying something nice to them or doing something to help them instead of saying such harsh things it just might be a little help and shine just a little bit of light in what seems like an endless dark tunnel to them. Will that be all it takes to miraculously cure them, of course I'm not so naive to think that but it sure can't hurt. I know that a big part in the person getting better is their willingness to do their part but we have a part to do too. Whatever your beliefs are I think it's most important to remember and respect the ones that are left behind and try to see and not  ignore signs in the lives of people you're around so that more suicides can be prevented. I just don't get why it's so easy to say such harsh things but seems so hard to do something nice for someone. I know being nice isn't the miraculous cure to heal them either but it sure can't hurt anything. . 
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Shyness...a blessing and a curse

To the people that know me it's no shock that I am quiet and not big on being hugged, there are exceptions to both of these of course, I am also like Sheldon Cooper and sometimes wish people would hold a sign up because I can't tell if they are being sarcastic or not. Case in point, last night I got surrounded by people (4 people actually but it can feel like a lot more when they are that close) and they got talking about hugs. Then skip ahead and attention gets to me and I'm asked so I guess you don't need a hug. Needless to say I got a hug and then somehow my quietness was brought up and something along the lines of 'You're going to have to get out of that, people like that make me nervous' Here's where I needed that sign held up cause I'm fairly certain that was sarcasm but I'm not sure. Because I know it's one of those things people pick on you about when you're quiet so I'm thinking that's all that was about. God knows I am super easy to joke with because truth be told for the most part I get a big kick out of it. So bad thing, shyness makes me nervous around others, possible good thing, my shyness makes others nervous. Which if this is true, means that they don't have anything over on me. I admit being shy and socially awkward isn't my idea of how I want to be, but I like to think of it as I save the real me for people that deserve to see how I really am. I don't think that makes me fake or anything, I just make people work really hard and prove I can trust them with seeing the real me.

Sometimes it really is hard work trying to pretend every thing is okay and put a smile on so no one can see how you really feel, it's also very hard not to just tell someone what you really feel about something they told you. I believe in being honest with people and all that but what do you do when you know trying to be honest and tell someone what you really believe and feel will do nothing but start an argument? I tend to push it away in one of my little file cabinets in my mind and try to put a lock on it then act like every thing is okay. Healthy, I doubt it, but it's the safest route to keep peace and hopefully limit the interaction with that person. Oh well, guess I just got to take the road I feel best about and keep on keeping on until it works out however it's supposed to.

I'm one of those people that when I read a book, I am in that place with those characters while I'm reading, and if it's really good even after I've finished reading. If I'm going to invest my time reading I'm investing all I got, plus I always say it's the cheapest way to travel and you can even time travel that way! I say all that to say this, last night I read an article on MSN about how if you are a person that gets sucked in when reading a book that it might make you have more empathy. Now I definitely won't feel bad for getting drawn into these books I read. If you think about it, I guess it does make sense though. However, I also read in that article that it only seemed to affect people when they read fiction. Apparently, we can't handle reading nonfiction and having empathy towards real events and people. I guess cause we can't separate from it and we feel guilty about it. I guess it does make sense because people do tend to believe if they act like it didn't happen or it's not there then it'll just magically go away and every thing will be like it should. Anyway, I'm going to keep on reading and getting lost in my stories.

Front Porch

Cabin fever is really kicking in and I can't wait for it to warm up so I can set outside and go walking, anything but sit inside. I've always loved sitting on the front porch, something about it is just so relaxing. This is what I came up with last night when I decided to write about a front porch throughout all of the seasons.

Front Porch

Smell the air after a rain

The return of Spring finally came

Every thing looks anew

Soon the flowers will bloom

Sitting on the front porch

I couldn't ask for more

Another warm, lazy night

Gazing at the starry sky

Listening to all the sounds

Frogs, crickets, even an owl

Sitting on the front porch

I couldn't ask for more

The leaves change hue

Red, yellow, orange too

Hear the birds sing goodbye

To other places they must fly

Sitting on the front porch

I couldn't ask for more

Now the trees are bare

Feel the cold in the air

By the fireplace I'll preside

Watching the snow fall outside

Soon I'll sit on the front porch

I'll count the days once more

What's in a name?

I have this unusual thing where I sometimes see a persons name and wonder the story behind why/how their parents decided to name their child what they did. With my job I see a lot of peoples names throughout the day and I always see a few that make me wonder this. Guess it's partly because I figure there must be some story behind it and I'm all about hearing stories about, well anything, and maybe it's just cause I think there has to be a reason/story for every thing.  I say all this because the other day when I was waiting to get my hair done the lady asked my last name and then commented that it was weird and then it got me thinking about names in general. Now my last name I am very proud of even though it is always mispronounced and misspelled. However, my first name is just so blah, I mean it's a month. You know those things they make that have the meaning of a persons name, all mine ever says is after the month. So then I got to thinking how did they come up with the names of the months and is there anything else about my name.  One site had this to say about April: called Aprilis, from aperire, "to open". Possible because it is the month in which the buds begin to open. Not much to talk about but could be worse, but I still think it's cruel to name a kid after a month because for however many days are in that month the poor kid has to be confused whether someone is talking to them or about the month. Oh, and I love that I always get asked if my middle name is May.  Plus when I get old and am in the nursing home, how can I make up some random story about who I was named after...lol :) just kidding. I wonder if at some point though if every one has that why did my parents name me this question pop in their head. Even though I complain about my name I wouldn't change it because even though it is a month, I have added my own touch and something that people can think of when they hear April.

Super What?!

I wonder if I'm the only one that didn't watch the Super Bowl, not even for the commercials or the half time show? I usually wait until the next day because one of the major sites will always post a link so I can just watch the commercials. Even though I'm not a die hard football fan I was happy the Ravens won, mainly because that was the team I picked and usually that automatically jinxes that team but not this time. So far there have been decent commercials but some of them would have been better off to save the money it cost to get a place in the coveted Super Bowl and waited until they had a better idea. I have to say though I love the Dodge Ram commercial, because any time you use Paul Harvey, well that's automatically awesome. The M&M commercial and the little kid on e*trade commercial cracks me up (especially at the end of that one when he says 'boom'). Of course what kind of Super Bowl would it be if they didn't have a commercial with Gangnam Style?! Nice touch by Budweiser with the horse story commercial, I have to say that was a good one as well. Whether you watch the Super Bowl for the game, the commercials, half time show or whatever other reason there may be you got to give NFL credit in making people watch something they might not normally watch. Of course, then there are people like me that cheat and just wait to see the highlights of every thing the next day. :)