It's only the fear that makes you run....probably sounds weird to say
but I've always liked that line from a song because it just resonates
so much with me. I tend to hide within myself a lot and sometimes it's
due to fear but as often it's just who I am, kind of a fine line some
days to know which it is. One day while I was supposed to be working (I
was technically working, my mind was just also occupied with other
thoughts as well) I had a thought occur to me because I like to have my
best thoughts at the worst times. What brought the thought about I
couldn't really tell you now but it was basically about knowing and
doing something and how there is a bridge that connects the two (it
could even be said for knowing and believing). It was kind of about my
anxiety that I have and how I know it's really no big deal to do
something (talking for example) but for me to cross that bridge to
actually do so is not so easy. I'll just type it here the way it came to
me and I wrote it down that day.....Once the hurdle is crossed (I quiet
the thoughts that aren't helping me take that first step) then I got to
do the doing which involves walking across that bridge. I start walking
and face so many obstacles. I take a step on the bridge and suddenly
the bridge that was concrete turns into a swinging bridge with wood and
ropes that do no look stable and is swaying way to much. In my heart I
know I'm still on the concrete bridge, the problem is quieting my fears
and sometimes blocking out the voices of the people on the shoreline
(you know the ones that keep repeating it's no big deal, just get over
it, etc. to which you just want to shout thanks Sherlock don't need any
help deducing the situation right now because at that moment it may not
be a big deal but it feels like your very own personal apocalypse). I
always assume I cause myself a lot of unnecessary problems while trying
to cause this bridge but whatever the cause the fear, anxiety, and other
reasons manage to make it seem like the bridge could collapse if I take
another step. So I usually run back to where I started, only to look
back and see that yes in fact the bridge still is that solid concrete
with smooth pavement, maybe even nice little lampshades to guide your
way if you so choose to travel at night (which could be a bit ironic
since sometimes symbolically you have to travel this bridge in some dark
moments in your life). It is at this moment in noticing the normal
bridge that I often kick myself and well I just feel like a failure
sometimes even if it is just for the briefest of moments. It is then
that I keep trying to cross the bridge, fighting those fears and
irrational reasons that keep giving excuses as to why I shouldn't cross.
It has been my experience that often times the greater the fear and
excuses as to why you shouldn't cross the more reason and reward you
will get when you do manage to get across. So I keep trying even though I
have the fear that no doubt some point the bridge will become that
unstable crossing. I have even managed to get across the bridge and on
those days my worst day ever turns into the best day ever, perhaps not
because my circumstances instantly change for the better but I quieted
one or more fears that had been hindering me from crossing the bridge.
Unfortunately, I do tend to keep running back even when I make it to the
other side, the side of the bridge I so very much would like to preside
on for longer than I ever allow myself to stay. Funny how when you run
back to the side with your fears, anxieties, well your comfort zone, the
bridge always stays concrete and looks perfect and is easy to run back
on. That should be my clue to not go back but to often I do. However, I
choose not to beat myself up to much for running back to that old side
or even if I have to try multiple times to get completely across the
bridge (well I'll try to not beat myself up to much, I'll put it that
way because some days I will be to tough on myself). As long as I'm
continuously trying to get across the bridge I'm okay it's the day I
stop trying that I have a big problem. Each time I try to cross,
successfully or not, I am facing a fear, anxiety, depression, etc and
each time I expose each one a little more for what it is - a lie. And
each time I face one and maybe even get lucky and push one off of the
bridge to hopefully drift far away in the water to never come back I'm
able to consistently see the bridge for the safe haven to cross to the
side I need/want to be on. Will I ever be able to cross that bridge
without any fears/anxieties/etc? I have no idea.
Often
throughout my life I've always felt older than my age and I just felt
like an old soul. I don't believe it's a bad thing and has actually
possibly been another piece of the puzzle to figure out me because Lord
knows I have so many layers that it is insane. Anyway, another example
of my random thoughts these few lines came to me yesterday (again while I
was working...working and driving seem to be the times these thoughts
love to pop in my head). It's rare for me to say but I rather like it
and kind of hope I can possibly add to it at some point (while working
or driving of course!). Here is that thought:
To bad there isn't a button I could push or some kind of pen that could transfer my thoughts to paper then I could just edit them on paper instead of losing my way in my head and them never getting any farther. Odd how even getting thoughts on paper can help instead of oh-so-many thoughts bouncing around in ones head. All part of the many layers I suppose. Can you lose a part of yourself by having so many layers or do the layers make you who you or, or both. Perhaps neither. Funny how I keep learning stuff about myself. Doesn't really seem like that should be possible I guess. After all you are with yourself 24/7 you should know everything there is to know about you. Fascinating thing is it seems we're constantly growing, changing, maybe even evolving to adapt to our surroundings and just discover who we are. Some people find out they are stronger (mentally or physically) than they thought and overcame obstacles that at the beginning looked like there was no way to win. Some learn they are smarter, discover a talent, or many other things that helps a person discover something about themselves they didn't know or truly believe. I love learning about other people, hearing their story, but there's something about discovering something about yourself. It's like when someone, or perhaps to often yourself, tells you that you can't do something and that feeling you get when you do accomplish that goal. At first it's a great feeling cause you got the 'Ha! I showed you.' feeling but then you (or I at least) get an even better feeling of realizing wait a minute I did that, I had it in me all the time to do and ta-da you discover you perhaps can do so much more then that voice that said you would never be able to do that. Oh, that voice that so often lies and says you can't do that for to many reasons to list. I don't like that voice but funny how it's easier to sometimes hear and believe that voice of why and how you can't do that instead of the voice of that encourages you and says you got this. I guess sometimes part of the learning or perhaps all of it is about quietting that voice that lies and discourages so we can find that strength within us to hear the voice of truth. Kind of like when Glinda tells Dorothy that she always had the power, she had it all along. I always thought, and still do, that is one of the best quotes. Do you realize how empowering it is when you realize that? If you think about it most of the time that voice that says you can't do something it's because of fear, well there can be more, but basically it all stems from fear, for me anyway. I'm one that thinks of every plausible but unlikely scenario which doesn't exactly help me ever get to far. I guess at times that helps but it gets me stuck quite often as well. For me I know the likelihood of any of the scenarios happening just isn't probable yet I still go through the long list until I often convince myself it just isn't worth it or there's no point but that is the point the fear and all the what-ifs are the barricades that keeps me from discovering that I can do so very much. Sometimes people are the cause of those barricades as well. It can occasionally be discouraging when someone's opinion you appreciate or someone you respect knocks you down saying you can't do something. Not the constructive, honest criticism we need but still don't always like to hear just the knock you down kind just because. In the end we got to be like Dorothy and realize you've had the power all along, my dear. I think when we realize this that what looked like Kilimanjaro is nothing more than a hill that you most definitely can climb and the view at the top is so amazingly breathtaking and well worth the climb. Not always easy but worth it. For the view, yes, but most importantly to discover something new about yourself. No not new but to peel away a layer and find a treasure about yourself that you didn't even know was there. Most of all don't concentrate on how much, fast or slow it takes you to accomplish something. The tortoise wasn't fast but he beat the hare. Distance and not giving up is much more important than how fast it takes you to get to that finish line.
There is a purpose to the title but first let me get another random thought out. Last night as I was driving and hitting my preset buttons trying to find a radio station that was playing a song I actually wanted to hear and hadn't already heard one hundred times already a couple thoughts occurred to me. One being am I the only one that it really annoys when DJ's interrupt the last couple of lines of a song with them talking or they play a commercial. It bugs me but I'm not a fan of having to listen to people talk or commercials on the radio anyway ( I know got to have both to have the music but still not always the biggest fan). Second thought, just about any song I listen to will bring up some sort of memory or thought (because just listening and enjoying a song is apparently asking to much for my brain, although sometimes it does) but wait, why stop there, because my way of thinking also hears songs and thinks that would be the perfect song for (fill in the blank) book or (fill in the blank) character from book or movie. There are a few songs that now every time I hear them I automatically think of characters from a series I read. As I was thinking on this last night I began to wonder if I wasn't taking the reading thing a little to far (verdict is still in the air on that) but really everything is better with a soundtrack. I remember in music class in middle school the teacher showed a movie and one time he had the volume on where you could hear the musical score then he turned the volume off and played the same scene. Without the musical score the action scene lost action. I think that's the great thing about music and the power it has to not only make a scene in a movie but be able to say what I can't figure out how to say, encourage me, calm me down, or just make me laugh. I guess life does have background music we just got to take the time to pick the songs and push play. Is this another repeat thought because I'm not entirely sure it isn't. Well by now you should know the chances are high you will be reading repeat thoughts that are written just different enough (I hope) to get something else out of it.
Now to why this is titled Difference Maker....there's a song by that same title that the band needtobreathe sings and can I just say it is quite interesting to read some of the comments on YouTube for the official video (when I watch the video I personally can't help but think of Doctor Who and envision River in the astronaut suit), which actually further proves how everyone takes something different from any and all songs. Also some prove how so often we can get stuck on the itty bitty details and completely miss the big picture and oh how I could write a lot just on that alone but I'll spare you...for now. I rather like the song but the curious being that I am I was wondering the story behind it from the songwriter(s) point of view. So I did what every one does and got my phone out and hit up Google to do a quick search and the story behind it is simple but interesting. Short version is, in case you don't want to search it, that the songwriter was basically trying to understand his role in God's plan and figuring out why and who exactly he was doing things for.Now the rest of what follows has absolutely nothing to do with the song it just falls under difference maker heading. I am a person that kind of needs to see the results of what I'm doing, I need to see that I am making progress. I perhaps don't need to necessarily know that I am making a difference but I at least feel like I need to be doing things that somewhere along the way should make some kind of difference. Now I have to be careful how I say that or it will sound like I'm solely doing it to make it all about me and how I can get recognition for it. Personally I'm fine if I was to do something to make a difference and my name was never, ever found any where close to proximity of whatever that event may be. Reminds me of when I read Carol Burnett's autobiography and she told of how someone gave her a check so she could have the funds to go to New York if I'm not mistaken, but either way the check was given to her so she could have the opportunity to pursue her career but the stipulation was that when she made it that she pay it back and she never, ever tell anyone who gave it to her. I don't want to make a difference to make a name for myself or even a pat on the back I want to make a difference because I don't want to waste this life being selfish and making it all about me, myself, and I and no more. I don't care if my difference is nothing more than picking up a piece of garbage I see in the parking lot as I'm walking in the store and placing it in the garbage can what seems small and unnoticeable can make a bigger impact and difference than that big thing, whatever that may be. Everything we do makes a difference whether we ever see it or not. I just want to make sure I'm doing my part and then some, I want to be the change that I want to see in the world because how dare I question why aren't others doing such and such if I'm not willing to do it myself. I guess I'm just thinking about this more because I received a letter that kind of reminded me that perhaps some stuff I do is making a difference even to a person I've never met nor will I ever likely ever meet. I had questioned if I should continue something and well that letter came in time and reminded me that perhaps in some way and in a very small way I am on a path to be a difference maker. Because to me being a difference maker is the best way I can treat people and the best legacy I could ever leave and I don't think I wrote or quite got out what I intended but hopefully the just of it is received.
Since I wrote about the song and video here's Difference Maker by needtobreathe
Also here is a link where he talks about the song in case you are curious about it. Sometimes, at least to me, the story behind the song can be as good if not better than the actual song.
Hello, my name is April and I am quiet, introverted, awkward, and highly sensitive. It used to bother me when people say I was/am so quiet but the older I get the less it bothers me because, well, I am quiet but more than that it is one of many traits that make me who I am. I don't need to be seen or even heard by multitudes. What I say can be forgotten before our conversation ends but my actions will stick with you forever. It is more important for me to make everyone I meet feel like they matter because they do. Many people probably think I am stuck up because I really am so quiet they probably didn't even hear me say hello. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting/standing next to someone and say something and they didn't hear me. Or how many times people don't hear me when I'm at a restaurant. When I die can someone have 'Can you hear me now?' written on my tombstone? I think it'd be funny but I do have an unusual sense of humor. I'll haunt you if you put my picture on a tombstone though! Oh and let us not forget the numerous times I've heard, 'I'm sorry I can barely hear you.' I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me and wish I could be louder but not anymore because it's quite alright to be quiet (or talkative, or both, don't got to be loud to be talkative)because sometimes those loud, talkative people need to just slow down and listen and just maybe without the quiet people around they may not do that as often. Besides you got to have a balance. Can you imagine how unbearable it'd be if we were all talkative or all quiet? Either one would get on my everlasting nerve, not even gonna lie. So if you're talkative (which you can be even if you are 'quiet') or quiet it shouldn't bother you if people point it out because that's part (albeit a small part) of what makes you who you are. We all need to take the time to say what needs to be said and the time to be silent and listen because we have a time to say something to help someone and we have a time to be told something to help us in our journey. In the end it isn't the amount of words you said, how loud you spoke, or even how many people you talked to but what matters is that you took the time to help others in this journey because we're all so much more than those few words that people, or we ourselves, use to describe ourselves. We are who we are meant to be to help those we meet along the way and so we can be changed and grow because of those same people we meet. Plus if quiet is the worse thing people can use to describe me well I must be doing something right
It would seem I'm getting all of my thoughts written down this month so the rest of the year there will be nothing to write about, unless there will be a lot to happen this year which I doubt, not to say that is necessarily a bad thing. In reality just like I never really have anything to say I don't really have anything to write. I could call myself out as a liar with that previous sentence because in reality it would be safe to say we all always have something to say. Like when someone asks your opinion and you say you don't have one when you have already thought your opinion but figure it's not worth stating for one or more of a various number of reasons. My top ones are I just don't like confrontations, my opinion don't amount to a hill of beans (another one of those sayings I wonder where it originated from), or you won't hear and/or will interrupt my opinion before I get it all out so there's no point in wasting my time. Same with not having anything to write, please I could fill all of those journals I have and buy all of the ones I would love to have that I see when I go to the stores but the problem is what I have to write well I just can't risk someone finding it where I've written it down or them reading it if I wrote it on here, providing anyone ever really reads this. Oh look, I just wasted a whole paragraph typing about nothing and that folks is how I passed school when I had to write reports!
You ever wonder why people call other people weird like it's a bad thing? One day I would like to tell them, 'Great! That means I've escaped your tiny little confined box of what is normal and can I just say the view out here is much more beautiful.' Until that day arrives I just stick with yeah or the occasional you say that like it's a bad thing. I really did come up with the perfect name for this blog when I called it ramblings (well you know the rest) but I don't really understand why we call things or unfortunately people weird if they say or do something that we don't understand, like or that fits in that little box of ours. I'm personally claustrophobic so I try to expand my box as much as possible, I love and prefer to understand or learn why a person does or likes something. It's like me and my cousin were talking about one time and how people will get mad if you don't like something they like, well see I just don't really get that either. To me that's not the problem, that's what makes us unique otherwise it could be a very boring place not to mention I've learned about a lot of things I would have never known about because of people that liked different things than I do and some I found I actually liked to and some I still don't like but still I now know about something I never would have.
I'm fairly certain I've written about that and what I'm about to write about before. I should change the blog to Rambling Repeatings of a Quiet Girl. I only repeat because in real life I have to repeat myself so much and still people are lucky if they get half of what I say. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
So I guess I could get to why I even titled this post hiding place, one it just came to me and it could be used as a title so I just used it because me and titles just don't get along but I like to have or find hiding places because sometimes I just like/need to be alone. I like to put on my invisa-shield and observe people or just be in my own little world and no one ever see me. I am even okay with letting a few people in but that's it (again one of those things people act like is so weird and I just don't get why). Anyway, at church I have a place I have called my hiding place (it's totally not you can easily see me but I like to sit there) it's actually on the steps and if it's my week for computer than I like to just sit on the stairs while I wait for church to start. It's also great if there are a lot of people and I start to feel a bit overwhelmed. Perhaps it is weird but I like to sit and/or lay on the floor, my back will remind me why I'm getting to old for that if I sit there for long but I still prefer to sit on the floor. So for me this is a win-win situation, I get to sit in a comfortable place and hide from people. I guess I really do sit there to also try and hide from people because you would be amazed how many people walk by and don't notice me. Okay I really did purposefully sit there a couple of times to hide from people (nothing against the person I promise, cause I truly think the world of everyone at church, I just...I don't know we'll keep the reason for another time, which really means I'm keeping the reason to myself). I'm a people watcher too and it's a great place to sit (well I have to actually stand if I want to people watch) and just watch people. You get to see the real person when they don't know people are watching, which makes me a bit paranoid cause I wonder how often that has happened to me and what people really see.
Ending with the song In Summer from Frozen because I don't know maybe it'll kick these winter blues and it's Olaf, you gotta love Olaf (unless you hate or are burnt out on anything Frozen then I guess pretend you didn't see any of this last part).
Awhile back I had posted about going through health issues with my eyes but it was just a test. And it was and I have seemingly passed. Everything on tests came back fine the steroids have taken care of the inflammation. Now to get one other issue checked out and get the everything is normal this Friday. At the end of that particular post I had written a line from a song that states I just feel like something good is about to happen and I think I've figured it out. You're thinking well duh it was everything is okay and yeah I'm grateful and thankful to God for that but there is something even better that I am discovering through all of this. Something I'vre ran from for a long time, something I refuse to see in myself but the blinds are falling away. You know I just never really think people notice me (perfectly okay with me) or really never think they think much of me (not fishing for comments, I won't believe you anyway) but apparently I'm very wrong on both those this things especially when it comes to, well okay everyone, but in this particular case my church family. You know (of course you don't you wasn't in my head or car when this thought occurred to me) I had a lightbulb turned on moment earlier today. I always talk about how I have a difficult time opening up to people and talking but I could with my grandma to a greater degree than about anyone else. I could in part cause I could tell she truly cared and listener and truthfully thought I'd never know anyone like that again but it seems God looked down the future and set it up so I could get to know someone like my grandma that I can talk to and they care and listen. Anyway I'm as thankful if not more thankful for how I'm learning to trust in God and my faith is growing but I'm thankful I had no serious issue going on. I'm also thankful to have so many people that care about me because that means more than any material possession I could ever have
So many thoughts stuck in my head not even sure what to write. I'm always glad to get the holidays over with. I enjoy them but miss people too. The main person being my grandma but then the month of January isn't much easier. The other day I was thinking and it's funny how certain days stick with you even when I try to forget. There's two days forever associated with my grandma. One being January 7th (1997 I believe was the year). That was the last day I heard my grandma's voice because the cancer had destroyed her larynx and she was having surgery to remove that on Jan 7th. I don't even remember what her voice sounded like anymore but I remember days and even that morning listening to everything she said trying to embed the sound her voice forever in my memory. The second date is January 30th 2002, that is the day my grandma passed away. Worst day ever for me, best day ever for her. In a few weeks it will have been 13 years since I saw my grandma. The tears still come from missing her, not as often but sometimes just as many tears are shed as the day I was told I'd never get to see her anymore. I see something as simple as a word search puzzle and want to get it for her. I actually had a good cry about a word search puzzle. Just today as I was driving home there's a stretch of road where if I'm lucky I'll see cardinals (although I'm starting to question my sanity cause no one acknowledges them if I happen to be in a car with someone, they don't seem as excited to see them as I am). Anyway today in that stretch I got to see two male and two female cardinals. Makes me smile cause it's like a way my grandmas has worked it out with God to let me know everything's going to be okay. No matter how many years it will be since my grandma has been gone I'll always miss her, I'll cry and smile with the memories I have that help push the sadness away. I know I write about my grandma a lot and especially this time of year but writing helps and so I'll always write about her because she was an awesome grandma, she was the best. Besides when you have people in your life that make such impacts you try to be like them knowingly or not you try to do things like them, you want to tell people about them that's how my grandma is to me. So it's a little earlier than I normally write but I'm really missing my grandma so I figured I'd just write until the hurt eased up a little bit.
Random song quote but heard this song called The Mystery by Rhett Walker Band and loved this last part...
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm free. I just know I ain't the nan I used to be. On this side of heaven you won't always get it right. Sometimes you rise above, sometimes you gotta fight. You never know the stories that lie beneath the skin but judging now won't change the broken places they've been
Why is it you can wake up early and stay awake on days your off work but work day it can be so unbelievably difficult to wake up? It's like when you can be so sick but as soon as you walk in the doctors office your symptoms decrease tenfold. I started 2015 wide awake at 5:00am. Most people would use this time wisely by cleaning, reading, going back to sleep but not me. What do I do? Get in my car and just drive with no particular destination in mind. I ended up in TN taking a drive through Cades Cove. Now I can at least be guaranteed one trip will have happened this year. The good thing about getting an early start I beat all those people sleeping off their hangovers. On my drive I had a thought that I think is a possible repeat but gonna share it again anyway. I knew there was a lot of trails through there but in the summer you can't see the actual trail that well but in winter you can easily spot the trails even without the aid of signs. Here arrives the over thinking analyzing. Our thoughts can be like the leaves and sometimes those thoughts (leaves) can become negative and overshadow the trails and the leaves that are truth and positive. Over time be it with the help of friends, or many other ways sometimes we can see the negative thoughts. And just like in the fall those thoughts can change, some end up dying and falling from our tree (that stinking thinking slowly goes away). And then like in the winter the tree becomes bare from those negative thoughts leaving and just like in the spring new leaves will sprout if we can continue to focus on the truth and positive thoughts our thoughts will be like those new leaves in the spring and be new, the truth, positive and/or just happier and able to see those trails that can be easily hidden by lies and stinking thinking. So for my first day of the new year I think I started it off well. I think I needed that time looking at nature, listening to music, and sorting my thoughts while taking a drive.
