I'm not sure if I've posted this poem/writing/whatever you would like to call it before (and ultimately deleted it because I can't find it) or I really have wrestled with myself that much and from the point of writing this whether or not to post it. I'm not sure why I am so hesitant about sharing this one, not that it's the first time, but it has been so long since I was even able to write anything I don't remember the last time. Because I'm still wrestling with whether to post this or not and because I haven't written about any books for awhile shall I procrastinate this a little bit longer. First, why is there not a warning on books that it is part of a series? It should be mentioned on the cover, on a page before the story begins and even an I told you so page at the end. I say that because I recently bought the book The Choosing by Rachelle Dekker (to be fair it does say A Seer Novel on the cover which should have clued me in that it was part of a series but I was just so excited to get the book I didn't put two and two together). I'm only a few chapters in and already I can so relate to some of the thoughts and emotions of the main character, Carrington, but now that I know it's part of a series and the next book doesn't come out until Summer 2016. That's over a year to wait, thank God I have a fairly decent sized stack of books in my to be read pile. I think I'm just going to have to read it and read it again before the next book in the series is released. For now I've stopped reading it and moved to a book called Snow on the Tulips by Liz Tolsma (also recommend Daisies are Forever by her and both are set in WWII era). Funny story, I had tried to start reading this one awhile back and it just wasn't working but started reading it last night and I only stopped cause sleep was winning. Short synopsis is that it's about Cornelia hiding her brother but now also a man named Gerrit who shows up on her doorstep not in good shape and not under the best of circumstances. Well now I'm just becoming like Grover in the book The Monster at the End of this Book (one of my many treasured Little Golden Books growing up and definitely one of my favorites....do you feel the nostalgia?!) So I guess if you are still reading and continue to read well you shall read the 'poem' I'm not sure if it is really finished or not but I suppose it's as good as it's gonna get and okay enough to resist the fear, vulnerability and such to post another writing...but before that enjoy this picture from the book The Monster at the End of this Book because maybe like Grover I'm being afraid for nothing...
Oh yeah and if the title sounds familiar, well you know I'm terrible with titles and I liked the one I used for a recent post and it seemed fitting for this particular writing so I recycled it.
Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope
There once was a seed sown
I added water to help it grow
It became a deep rooted vine
Full of nothing but lies
Sweeping them under the rug
Thought that was enough
Couldn't let others see my pain
M mind feeling like a derailed train
Fear had become my gatekeeper
It was my person grim reaper
But what was meant to destroy me
Is only part of my story
Thought I was turning the last page
But God said, 'No, wait.
There are some things I need to take
Chapters to add, time for a change.'
'My child you've felt so unworthy
It's time you see how important you are to me'
The walls I'd built finally crumbled
I built a staircase to the next level with the rubble
You ever watch an illusionist perform a trick and the whole time you're watching him/her just so sure you are going to catch the slip up and turn the tables to figure out how the trick is being done only to end up not figuring it out and the trick is pulled on you and your left asking how did you do that and how did I fall for that? I think Fear is one of the biggest illusionists that we have to face, I would dare say that fear is nothing more than a fancy word for a lie. Fear starts out looking like a simple card trick that you can easily figure out and then suddenly before you may even realize it you are in a straight jacket wondering how this fear got such a hold on you. I recently saw a picture and I loved what it said which was, the voice in your head that is saying, 'You can't do this.' is a liar (it was written in all caps but I didn't want to cap shout at you!) and that is so very true. I also recently read an article titled There Is a 'Right' Way to Talk to Yourself (http://news.bitofnews.com/talk-to-yourself/). The article mentions how if we talk to ourselves in the third person it actually helps take away any negative thoughts and fear/anxiety that we associate with ourselves and/or situations when we talk to ourselves in first person especially when these situations are stressful. It was basically saying that when you use the first person, I, that it triggers the part of your brain associated with emotions such as anxiety and fear but when you use the third person it's kind of like when a friend asks for your advice and you can give it without any problem, you're not associating any of your fears or negative thoughts to the situation which helps you see a way out if you will instead of all of the fear, stress and anxiety. I thought it was pretty interesting, not to say to always talk about yourself in the third person especially to others but a nice little trick to try and have when fear shows up or you made a mistake. There is an acronym for fear which is False Evidence Appearing Real which truthfully is the best and most accurate definition of the word one could give or remember. Fear is that voice that lies and says you can't do this and brings up all of the thoughts and reasons why/how this is going to go wrong or how you will mess it up and all of the negative things until that straight jacket is so tight you can barely even breath (or at least you feel like it). And I'm sorry this isn't flowing very well, what with my thoughts coming all at once and not being able to type fast enough and such so it's probably not making much sense. So I've started out with what I thought was simple card trick (simple task that shouldn't bother me normally) and suddenly I have now found myself in a straight jacket (a fear that paralyzes me and I think I can't get out of). I'll be the first to admit I have several fears and have or am working on getting rid of a lot of them because often times now when they try to come back and I can see them for the lies they are. Just like the illusionists have tricks and things to do to escape from the straight jacket I'm figuring out that I am bigger than the fears and actually I should really say God is bigger than my fears because I have and am learning to rely more on my faith and God to help me during those times I'm in the straight jacket as well as when I'm not. I can't speak for you and your fears but as far as me I do tend to get the deer in the headlights and I am paralyzed physically but mentally my mind is going full speed ahead with countless thoughts. But I am figuring out some tricks to help stop the overload of thoughts and talking myself out as much as possible if not all the way out of the fear, at least enough to realize it is nothing more than an irrational lie. Now I am most certainly not making light of any fears you may have or of things such as anxiety because it's very real and very serious and doesn't mean there is something wrong with you because you have fears/anxieties and trust me I do understand. So just let me get that out there. What I'm hoping I'm saying and am wanting to say is that fear is very real but it's a very big bully too that puffs itself up to make it look bigger than it is and unescapable. Just like the illusionists have tricks and ways to escape the straight jacket you can beat and escape fear no matter how much the voice of fear whispers you can't. Also like it isn't always easy and without pain for the illusionist to escape the straight jacket it may not be easy or without obstacles to beat fear. Plus everyone has different fears and symptoms with those fears as well as different ways to cope with them. Because unlike not always being able to figure out how the illusionist tricked you on something you can turn the tables on fear and become the illusionist and trap that fear, maybe even make it disappear for good. I titled this post goodbye fear, hello hope and I did that because well for one I have spent to much time letting fear have control and dictate what and how I react to things. Another reason is because the way I see it I'll hold on to the hope that everything will work out and as long as I can hold on to that hope, well I have hope (!) but it is also like that lighthouse that ships use to guide them and it is like my life line if you will to know that I know that there is a way out of this fear, this lie. There have been times I think I can safely say that I have just one finger left grasping to the wall of hope and just when I thought I was going to lose my grasp something or someone or I would suddenly get clarity and I would get a better grasp and footing to climb over that wall of fear. Hope makes for a very secure place to put your feet. I guess basically what I had hoped to write/say was that fear is nothing but a lie and bully but don't feel bad if it gets you cause it gets us all in one way or another at one time or another no matter what anyone tells you or doesn't. I hope you have faith, people and/or other tricks to help you when you find your way in a straight jacket of fear and no matter how loud or many times that voice says you can't beat the fear or you can't do something I hope, even if you just start out continuously whispering it, you can remember to say that is a lie. With that I say goodbye fear, hello hope...and of course a video! It only seemed appropriate to include a video of storyteller/illusionist Harris III since I did talk so much about tricks. This is probably my favorite of his because it is such a great visual to show and tell who Jesus is and how He is the Truth. So if you have never seen it or are thinking how can an illusionist be a Christian and teach about God then I most definitely recommend you give it a watch.
A lot of times when someone is going through something they will say they are in the valley and when they make it through they will say they are on the mountain. It's a good analogy, who doesn't like the amazing views from the top of the mountain? You can see how far you came and maybe from that view it doesn't look near as terrible as it seemed while walking up. I was recently walking on a trail in a state park. It was toward the end of the day, we'd walked a few trails already and at one part of this trail it was a straight up hill. I got halfway up this hill and I said, 'I'm done. I get to the top of this hill that's it I'm done...' And I was, I didn't care about the view at the top and how it may be worth it or even how close I may be to the top of that hill because my out of shape self just didn't think I could make it (more on that later on though). How often do I (maybe you too) do that in life? More than I should probably but not as often as I did (I hope) because I think I'm getting a clearer picture. That antennae is getting moved so the picture is becoming more clearer (growing up for awhile we had to use an antennae to get any television channels and where we lived certain times of the year it could be difficult to get a decent picture but when you got it just right boy could you see the picture). Some few years ago, 2011 to be exact, I was fortunate enough to see Pikes Peak in Colorado. Before the day we went to the top of the mountain as we were traveling to different places you could see the snow capped mountains just about anywhere you went in town. Stunning. The day came we got to go to the top of the mountain. At the top the view was amazing, one could see how it inspired the lyrics to what would later become the song America The Beautiful. Let's travel back to the valley though or I'm going to get to far ahead of myself. So the valley can get a bad name. People automatically think if you are in a valley you are in trouble, you're not in a good place and it's going to be a long, rough never ending walk (and sometimes it can be those and feel like you're never going to reach your destination). Maybe the view of the mountain gets blocked by all of the trees and such so much so that you may start to feel defeated. Hating that valley yet? Can I point out a couple or so good things about the valley? It is here where the best plants grow, where the best nourishment can be found and generally found pretty easily even if sometimes you got to take the time to search for it. Down in the valley is where you can find a water source. You can more easily find shelter which is not to say to put up permanent camp and just quit trying to get to the top of the mountain. Rest, yes, find the nourishment and water that is going to help you be able to walk that mountain but don't stay so long it becomes a comfort zone you never want to leave. My point that I hope to make is that when you are in the figurative valley to not get so distracted by how long or rough the walk is you don't see the creek with the clear fresh running water that's right in front of you and your so thirsty but you are so focused on something else, maybe that irritating bug that won't leave you alone, that you don't see the water that could so easily quench your thirst and give you the strength to go farther. Or you don't see the food and shelter that are easily accessible. These figurative things could in reality be several things including family, friends, or just the opportunity for you to sit reflect/pray/meditate/ or just grow in trusting God or grow in some other way. Sometimes in life I think we all have different mountains to see the view from but we get comfortable on one mountain and stay there longer than we are meant to or we get intimidated by the valley that we will have to walk through to get to the other mountain that we just don't go. See I don't thin the valley is always bad because sometimes it's just the bridge that connects the other mountain to the one you are on and it's just nothing more than a simple little walk to get to the other mountain and you can enjoy the stroll. It can be a time to strengthen your muscles (or faith or whatever you want to insert here). So we've made it through the valley and now we are on top of the mountain and looking at the view, and wow what a view, eh? The mountain can be a time to just bask in the beauty of it all and rest because we all need that. What is this? You look down and see that spot where you wanted to say I'm done and it is then you realize just how close you were to the top and breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't stop and/or turn around and go back. See when I was on top of Pikes Peak I realized that it was worth the risk of getting dizzy from the high elevation to get to see the amazing view and I also realized that it was worth being in the valley to be able to look up get the full picture of the snow capped mountains. Earlier I mentioned how I was on that trail and said I'm done. Well I did walk on to to the top of the hill and when I got there and looked down at the view I forgot about why I didn't want to keep going and was just in awe of the view(and can I just say that although I got a long way to go before I get in what I would even say is decent shape there was a time that I really would have just quit and not gone any farther but that day I only had to stop one time and kept going). All of this isn't to make light of the real valleys and mountains people have to climb I guess it's more of just to say don't give up and don't be so intimidated you never try to walk to another mountain or you stay in the valley so that you never get to see that amazing view. There's a line from the song I'll Keep On by NF that says I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means and sometimes I think that we can get so comfortable in places that we don't even realize they have become like prisons until for whatever reason we get to take the step out and look back and see where we were and the freedom you feel being away from that place.There's also a line from a song called Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson that states, ' I'm tellin' you somethin' this racing, this running oh, you're working way too hard! And this perfection you're chasing is just energy wasted cause He love's you like you are!So go ahead and live like you're loved.It's ok to act like you've been set free.' I love that part because sometimes we get stuck in the working to hard to be perfect and get stuck or even regress but it's not about that. So to end this I guess I'll just say that wherever you are and however far it may feel or really be for you to get to that mountain please don't give up because each step you take forward is a step that gets you closer. See I don't know if I'd say I'm on a mountain or a valley and I'm not sure it even matters to have it labeled as either because what does matter is that I'm moving forward to the place I want and am supposed to be.
Since I mentioned Pikes Peak figured I'd add a couple of pictures from there.
Sometimes whole driving, working or like now when I'm trying to go to sleep I somehow think of the most random questions, thoughts and such. One of those was recently while working I thought who am I? Not as in I really didn't know but what kind of question that is and what would my answer be. Then I thought I've already written something similar to that and went digging to see if I could find it. I didn't but I did discover a bit more of who I am. You see normally when people ask that you say your name a few kin folks names and maybe where you are from. A couple or so years ago I wrote a poem called, ironically enough Who I Am, kind of a this may be who you see me as but I am so much more. If I remember correctly there was a line that stated I am more than how I fix my hair or even the clothes that I wear. It is in there, actually I just found it and even with that poem it's amazing to see how who I was then to who I am today has changed for the better I think. Maybe that post is where I wrote about this question of who I am. Oh yeah back to me looking trying to see if I wrote about this already or not. Some of the title didn't jog the memory so I opened them to read. Quite often I thought no way I wrote that or how'd I even get to that thought (only God knows I'm convinced). I noticed something else even if ever so slightly, there was times of growth, maturing if you like. There was times of sorrow, confusion, apparently a lot of magenta days but a change through it all and though I hadn't really seen it besides most recently I truly began to notice it reading a few of those posts. I gave up trying to find out for sure and figured I'd just write it again if I have already wrote about it. Because even if I did already write about it I'm not the same person now that I was then and the next time I think of that question and write about it I hope I can see how I have continued to grow and change for the better becoming more and more to who I am. But who is that. At the end of that poem I wrote 'now there are chapters to review. This tale will have to be continued as I walk this land to find out who I am.' When I posted the original poem on Facebook someone wrote something along the lines of who you are is a child of God and a couple other things. At that time I couldn't whole heartedly believe or accept that, today I would say you know what yeah I am. So I suppose if I was to answer the question of who I am this would be my reply:
I am a sinner that is forgiven.
More chances then I deserved was I given. I laugh, cry and fall
Some days I do them all.Perfect I never will be but God still loves me. Everyday that I live kindness, my time and love I try to give. So to answer who I am I'm not sure I that I can but I'm not in the same place thanks to God's amazing grace.
So maybe that is one of those questions I spend to much time trying to create the perfect answer but flaws and all is what makes me who I am.
As I was trying to sleep I just felt this urgency yet the need to wait. Kind of like when a race car is at the starting line waiting for the light to change green. Hesitate to long after the light changes you lose valuable seconds, get in a hurry and go before the light changes you get some kind of penalty but keep the focus on the light (God) with the urgency and readiness and it's time to go oh the places you will go.
This blog post is brought to you by Crowder, Third Day, and the many thoughts of this quiet girl.
Sometimes when I listen to music a certain lyric will get my mind and thoughts going 90mph. Recently I purchased some CD's because I needed some better music to listen to. One of those was Neon Steeple by Crowder (great CD by the way). There are a couple songs that I will play on repeat A LOT. One of those being Ain't No Grave (not same as sung in southern gospel). Some of the lines from the song say, 'Troubles come for everyone, death has no respect for love. Roll that stone, I won't be found...Lord I'm crooked from head to toe. Got dirty hands and a dirty soul. I was lost but now I'm found. Ain't no grave gonna hold me down.'
For whatever reason this particular time my thoughts went to - isn't it something how we can be walking around and on the outside we look fine but we'll be dead/dying on the inside. It can be a wide range of ways one could be dying. I think they all lay on the foundation of fears and lies. Fear of failure, rejection, etc. The lie you aren't good enough and never will be, etc. and ultimately you find yourself in a figurative gra e dying inside. Thank God the story doesn't have to end there. The weight of the load may make it look like the grave is going to win but I love the part of the song that says, 'Ain't no grave gonna hold me down...I will rise.' When you start setting some stuff down and those detours and road blocks that you thought were only to discourage you but they in fact nudge you in the direction you needed to go an amazing thing can happen. You start seeing those fears and lies for what they are and suddenly that stone begins to roll away inch by inch and you ain't inside that grave anymore. You're no longer lost but have been found. I think everyone at one point or another goes through those moments of feeling like their dying inside.
Which can make it difficult to see the stone being moved. Maybe it can be said sometimes those graves we dig for ourselves (I think I have by running and hiding) but then maybe it's also a way to help us ultimately learn to trust, have faith and just grow. So it may feel like you're dying inside but just keep on and keep the faith because that very next detour may be the exit out of that grave.
Earlier I mentioned Third Day (may I also recommend their CD Lead Us Back). On the CD I just mentioned there are many great songs, one being Soul On Fire, which quickly became a song that every time I heard it I kept thinking that's what I want (which will make no sense if you've not heard it I suppose). There's another song called I Know You Can. It starts out, ' Give me the words to say bring me the strength to stand, take all the doubt away.' It kinda goes with being in that grave dying inside but you see that sliver of light shining through and you think something along those first lines in the song I Know You Can. The song goes on to say 'so close I can taste it. I stand at the great unknown...You speak and I will listen, You ask and I will go.' The song also mentions not wanting to waste this second chance. I don't even know what number chance I'm on now but it's well past a second chance but I don't want to waste this chance.
In conclusion, don't be discouraged by the detours (I've seen some of the prettiest places when driving and having to take a detour). Don't let that stinking thinking , fears and lies trick you to believe that stone is blocking your way when in reality it is nothing more than a pebble. Lastly, when you think you can't take one more step promise yourself to take one more step because most likely that will be the very step where you will rise and you'll get that strength to stand and the doubt will begin to fade (I've had it happen to many times not to believe it).
I'm not entirely sure how to even start this particular post so I'm just going to take a little walk and see where I end up. Life is kind of like a house. You may buy a house thinking it's the perfect size and you'll never have to do any major updates, changes to it. Then you live in the house for a little bit (you can pick the number of years for my 'house' or life it was 14 years, at least) and you realize wait that foundation isn't as sturdy as I thought it was. Oh no wait is that a crack in the wall, let me just hang up a picture to hide that. Or maybe you think you know this house is to small I need to add on to it but then you add on to it and only realize those rooms just became a catch-me-all and just added more clutter. Or perhaps you have gotten comfortable in that one room you stay in in your house and you don't even realize what is in the other rooms in your house. Can I tell you a little about my house? For the past ten years my house has been built on a solid foundation but I didn't trust that foundation (that is just this wannabe writers way of saying I wasn't trusting God). You see sometimes things happen and we renovate our houses when they don't need it, we think we're making it safer but that's not always the case. Sometimes when I try to renovate things all by myself I just don't find and use the best ingredients. When I renovated my house long ago I started putting up walls that were built from fears and lies (I do not recommend this because my goodness those walls can become quite difficult to tear down because for me they gave me an extremely false sense of security thinking I, well way to many things to even get into in this post, but it was keeping me from getting to the other rooms in my house and even to the outside to others like I wanted and should). You see I'd built onto the walls so long that even though I had gotten a few holes busted in the wall over the years I couldn't quite get them torn down to get to the other rooms like I wanted to. But thank God those walls are getting torn down for real this time, not me trying to do the fixing but just having faith the trust and let God. I don't know about other people but sometimes I get tired of the way my house is decorated so I need to rearrange things or just start over. Change scares me but staying the same scares me more. Staying in that room kept me from so much and I'm discovering so much. Am I so naive to think this feeling that I'm feeling will last forever? No, not at all. They say you can't have a testimony without a test. You can't have growth without being in the ground, being watered and tended to for a while. Then once you start growing (or the flower, since suddenly I've decided to go that analogy) you don't just stop watering it or hide it in the closet so it can't get any sunlight. And there may be times that no matter how much you take care of that flower it don't look so good and you aren't so sure it'll make it but you don't quit taking care of it and one day oh my how it blooms even more beautifully than you've ever seen. Just like in the house sometimes you got to not worry about how many bugs might fly in you just got to open the windows and let some fresh air in, you got to knock that wall down and just see what's on the other side. We all have a purpose and we all matter and I know that what was the reason behind why I hid so long behind those walls is only going to get me to my purpose and hopefully help me help others. So when you're looking at your house (life) don't get stuck in just one room, don't be afraid to trust the foundation (God), open the doors every so often because it's amazing what you can learn from others when you take the time to listen. We all have stories and though yours may not be something I've personally dealt with I can still learn something and it just may be that my story is something that you are struggling with and you think no one understands but I just may get to share it with you one day and you have a get out, you too! moment. My hope is that I always care about people and somehow show that they matter and have a purpose. I said on my thirty first birthday that I felt like a new start like how they say the new year is a new beginning and I'm excited about the renovations that are going on in my life. Now you didn't think you'd get through one of my posts without some quotes from a song or poem or something did you? Good cause I got a couple. One of my favorite poems is If by Rudyard Kipling and one of my favorite parts of the poem is:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise
Also earlier I mentioned starting over and there is a great song, on of many on my long list of songs I love, that is called Start Over by Flame featuring NF. Now this song has parts in it that give glimpses into my story (I've recently heard a few songs by NF on his album Mansions and I have a get out! moment and thing that's exactly how I am/was (I say am because I am forever a work in progress and growing in my faith and walk with God) but it's nice to hear it explained in ways I never really knew how to explain why). Anyway it starts out with:
Everybody's got a blank page
A story they're writing today
A wall that they're climbing
You can carry the past on your shoulders
Or you can start over
Regrets, no matter what you goin' through
Jesus, He gave it all to save you
He carried the cross on His shoulders
So you can start over
Actually here is the video (the dude raps so if you don't like that then there's your warning but I recommend listening because you can follow what he says and the lyrics are powerful, a reminder that I sure need to hear). And I'll end this with the video so until next time.
