tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76145400815842787822024-02-06T22:28:51.983-05:00Ramblings of a Quiet GirlRamblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.comBlogger284125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-29138780253984087122021-07-05T17:11:00.001-04:002021-07-05T17:11:49.567-04:00Take One More Step<p> This seemed like a good pointless rambling to make a quick visit back to the forgotten blog. One can thank two things I read today for this post.</p><p>Earlier today I was reading a devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries and in short the authors friend and her husband felt God was leading them to foster children but the friends parents as well as others was not in their corner like the friend was expecting or hoping they would be, in fact they was discouraging them to do this. Fast forward to a few days or so later and the author sees the friend again but this time the friend isn't as discouraged, weighted down and when asked why she says she realized she didn't need their permission to do God's will in her life.</p><p>So often in life those people that are in pur life whatever label they have well sometimes they don't live up to that label. Or sometimes people just don't have pur back like we thought for sure they would in certain situations. First let me say of course no one is perfect and no one can always be there or live up to a sometimes impossible expectation we may have for them. That's not what this thought is about. I'm sure those people had the authors friends best interest at heart and meant no harm but sometimes we have to take that step of faith especially when we feel God leading us to do something even if it's a simple task. Sometimes in life we don't have who we thought we would in our corner. There are times those we thought would always be there just leave - a long time friend, a spouse, a parent, etc. A big part of my story is how a majority of my life I didn't have a mom little lesser known part is how didn't have other family members too. But God had a plan all along and I have my chosen family (got my real mom, dad and an aunt and got a cousin and a friend that are more like sisters to me- all of whom I annoy the living daylights out of). Now whether it's something like that and I don't know maybe someone doesn't like or see how God knits people in our lives or a situation where you feel God is leading you to do something but you feel like you don't have anyone in your corner like you thought you would. First be like the authors friend and realize you don't need anyone's permission you just need to do God's will. And it may at times get lonely and may not go the way you thought it would but you keep going and I will believe it until I leave this world that God will send people in your life. Maybe it will be just a stranger in passing, maybe a stranger that becomes a friend or maybe even people that become your chosen family. Don't give up a dream, calling, or hope because some around you don't see it.</p><p>The second and last thought kind of ties in I suppose because it was a quote that stated something along the lines of I hope your success offends those don't want to see you win. I think I see what it's saying but also at the same time my thought went to I hope not, to be honest with respect I don't really care what they think. If it bothers them that's on them. Of course there are people out there that want to see us fall there are those that will spend all their energy digging a hole trying to make you look bad to try to get you to fall in and be destroyed but those people need to be careful and mindful that they may be ending up digging the hole for themselves. There are people that will lie and do whatever to ease their conscience and again try to make you look bad, again I say they better be careful cause when that comes back on them and I believe one day (be it months or years before it happens) it will come back and knock them down with the same fierce force that they spewed out. People are going to lie, hate, reject, abandon and use us one way or one time (sometimes lots of ways and times) I won't say that there aren't times what pushed me a step forward was to try to get to say I told you so to someone but honestly where I'm at now for sure I don't even care. If you've tried to hold me back or knock me down, just know I will get back up and loose. If you don't want to see me win look away! I'm moving forward not so it can offend those that don't want me to win but I'm moving forward cause I want to get to where I belong, to sit at the table where I belong. I want to succeed in the simple things as never believing the lies that I'm a bother or I'm intruding so that I can move forward not to say I told you so but so I can finally be where I belong. I try to let my focus never even go to those that left, aren't there, want to see me fail, etc I want my time to be spent on and with those that are there and care. The ones that try to knock you down just use that junk they throw and all that dirt to build the steps to get you to where you're going and where you belong and only look back to see how far you've made it. </p><p>So if you need the reminder you're going to make it and if you haven't met those people that will be in the corner for you don't you give up and if you believe as I do always remember God is in that corner with you and don't let anyone </p><p><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Noto Sans", sans-serif, Arial; font-size: 16px;"><span class="text Eccl-4-9" id="en-KJV-17391">Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.</span><span class="versenum" style="font-size: 1.2rem; font-weight: 700; line-height: normal; position: relative; top: auto; vertical-align: text-top;"> </span>For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Noto Sans", sans-serif, Arial; font-size: 16px;">Ecclesiastes 4:9-10</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-31514497766146802792021-02-08T06:44:00.006-05:002021-02-08T15:41:00.159-05:00I believe, help my unbelief<p> <sup class="versenum"></sup>Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24</p><p>This and another verse that will be mentioned a little later on have been on my heart so much lately. I commend this father and am so very thankful for this verse. Allow me to tell you why. Some have almost scoffed at this verse as if to say how are you going to say in the same breath you believe help my unbelief. Briefly let's look at this man's story than I'm going to share one of my own if you so choose to read it. This man was desperate to get help for his soon he had just asked the disciples to deliver his son and they couldn't help. But Jesus came on the scene and said if you believe...this man knew he believed but he also knew that his faith had been shaking by seeing the disciples not being able to help his son and perhaps even all these years seeing his son in this shape. So he took the mask off and he said Lord, I believe but help my unbelief...help those parts of my faith that are weak, that have been shaken Lord strengthen them, strengthen me.</p><p> That took faith.</p><p> That took faith that many of us today in the very moment don't have. So often we've gotten used to carrying it all on our own, somehow believing it makes us seem weak and wrong to say my faith has been shaking in this part. I daresay a many of you are carrying shame for unbelief. Some have worn the mask so long you may not even see it. In Psalm 139: 23-24 David cries out, <span class="text Ps-139-23" id="en-NKJV-16263">Search me, O God, and know my heart;</span><span class="text Ps-139-23"> Try me, and know my anxieties; </span><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24" id="en-NKJV-16264">And see if <i>there is any</i> wicked way in me,</span><span class="text Ps-139-24"> And lead me in the way everlasting.</span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">I can only speak for myself (though I have seen it but won't call it out) but there have been many times I have faith and believe but also there is unbelief. It's so easy to see and believe for things to happen for others but if it involves me in any capacity unbelief can easily creep in. I can pray believing for you or a loved one to be healed, to get a job, etc. But can I tell you a possibly repeated story of how it took a long time for me to even see my unbelief and will try to tell at least one area unbelief likes to rear it's ugly head (trust me there are a few...a lot at times) </span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">Take it back just a little for a bit of a background of this but I grew up without a mom and I would see people doing stuff with their mom or having that person they could go to and talk to and say their mom is their best friend and my heart truly ached to know what that was. Fast forward I've forgiven the situation and all involved to cause that scenario but still don't have a mom. I've given God a lot of the hurts and things I'd held onto thinking it was protecting me when in reality it wasn't at all. Skip ahead to about 2014, I am 30 years old still saved, still believing but also got a lot of unbelief. One day someone makes a statement that I've heard so many times and for many I know it's true and I promise I'm so happy for you that you have it but that day I was over it and I just needed to talk and I didn't have anyone I could go to and talk. But I did. And that day I said God I need to talk to you and be honest no holds bar, you can strike me down or whatever (if you are one that has that little lie floating in your head, trust me you can talk to God about absolutely anything and He won't strike you down or be mad or disappointed in you). So that day I asked two things one, for anyone at all to tell me about someone in that Bible that had a similar situation to me that God helped them through and while I'm asking that, you can call me crazy that's okay won't be the first, but I felt even almost heard "there's something else you're holding on to, it's time to give it to Me" and I knew what it was and that it was time but I was afraid, my faith had never been whole from that part of my story. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. So I admitted to the fears and doubts and what I'd been trying to carry my whole life on my own and I told God this is the last time I'll ask but if You're answer is no I beg you to take that want and need away of me wanting and needing a mom but Lord will I ever know a mom's love, will there be someone that is okay with me seeing them as my mom that would want me for their daughter and see me as their daughter, that I could do whatever mom's and daughters do that my mom could be my best friend. That prayer was answered but not immediately and I thank God it did take months (well really years, but months after I didn't let my unbelief keep me from asking God) because it taught me to trust God more and that I can be honest with God especially about my unbelief. Because you see five days before my 31st birthday I heard someone tell about Joseph and how he grew up without a mom and how God also brought him through being in the pit and prison. The person that told me was none other than my mom and I love that God worked it out that it was her. And thankfully and I'll forever be grateful that God chose my mom and Pop and bless them for all they do for me and all they have and continue to show me that I never knew. </span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">I say that to say this it's okay that there are places our faith can be weak or even shaken, Lord knows there are many areas my faith has been both. That's not the problem, the problem gets when we try to carry it on our own, when we try to wear the masks and aren't even honest with God. Listen I know you can't talk to just anyone but I do believe God gives us people we can go to and talk and be real with. Those people that will help hold us accountable, that will pray for us, that will sit with us in our time of need or just be there. And you always can and should take things to God again He's not going to be mad cause you say Lord I believe help my unbelief. I believe and know God is going to heal my mom but there have been times that I have said Lord I believe but help my unbelief. </span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">Going back to when David cried out search me Oh God and know my...that has really been on my heart as well and I'm finding myself more and more asking that. God knows me better than I know me because I lie to myself a lot intentionally or not. I say I'm fine when I'm not even to myself. I notoriously say things are no big deal when in fact they are a very big deal to me and be it from it's caused me hurt to it's just a thing I get really excited about but I know I don't shut up when I get excited about something and don't want to be annoying or a bother so I just say oh it's no big deal. I'm good with walls and masks - a little to good at times. But I've gotten to where I ask search me O God, show me any wrong in me but also I honestly feel like God is not only showing that but showing me ways in which we don't always think about needing change or as maybe bad. Of course we got the big ones that we can honestly even justify and say we don't have or say well it's not that bad or it's not really pride or anything like. So I've been asking a lot God show me and I see things in me like pride but I'm going to take it to something that I'm not sure is mentioned a lot. Not for this to sound arrogant and forgive me if it does not the intent but I have a serving heart, I love to help people. I'm notoriously known and picked on for being quiet but my quiet doesn't always get in the way and is a way I can show who I am and my love by helping you. Granted the quiet backwardness can get in the way of me stepping up like I want to or just saying let me help or can I help but working on that one. But I struggle badly with letting people help me. God on more than one occasion especially lately has told me I feel if you want to be there and help people you have to let those that I've put in your life be there and help you it's not a one way street and to be honest I've always treated it that way. I'm so used to carrying it all on my own that it's even hard to let those that I know won't leave, or make fun of me or that I can trust help me. </span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">So today or any day never ever feel bad for having to say Lord I believe help my unbelief and also don't neglect in asking search me O God and allow God to show and help you grow.</span></span></p><p><span class="text Ps-139-23"><span class="text Ps-139-24">I thank God for loving me enough to forgive me, to correct me, to pick me up time and time again and that He loved me enough to give me the chosen family that He truly did choose for me and thank them for always being there for me. <br /></span></span></p>Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-49856596336099616092020-02-13T10:07:00.001-05:002020-02-13T12:40:11.446-05:00Good SamaritanWe're all traveling on a road called life and we're all on the same yet different roads and in life circumstances happen that takes us on different roads meeting different people. On those roads we pass people and in those brief moments that's the only time we will see them this side of heaven and sometimes we meet people that become a part of our journey be it for a season or the very few that are a lifetime.<br />
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Sometimes we find people on these roads in a mess, sometimes we've got found on the road in a mess. Robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead. Oh I don't necessarily mean literally but oftentimes there have been circumstances that have happened to us that have robbed us of joy, hope, peace. Stripped us of trust, comfort and beaten us so bad we don't think we can forward and are left there for dead.<br />
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In Luke 10: 30-37 you'll read of a traveler that was robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead on the road. By chance a priest walked by....and kept walking. Then a Levite walked by...and kept walking. But a certain Samaritan came where he was and was moved with compassion and came to the traveler bound his wounds, set him on his animal taking him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he gave the host money to cover the costs and told the host whatever you spend beyond this I will repay upon my return.<br />
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I love how this one translation writes it as by chance a priest walked by, then the Levite then it changes it to but a certain Samaritan came where he was. We can put down the priest and the Levite and some will focus on the title priest and knock the church and whatnot. I'm not here to do that. I want to say a couple things. First, sometimes in life and our walk we have certain people that we think will surely be there for us, to come when we've been left for dead and we see them coming but they walk on by. Sometimes maybe because they don't know be it you got that good of a poker face or they just don't see it. Then you have others that you know well or just in passing and to be honest sometimes people want to us fall and fail and not make it for whatever of the many reasons that may be.<br />
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I once heard my (real) mom, in what was actually the first time I ever saw her, once say nothing in life just so happens, no coincidences, it's all God - even when we don't understand or see how it's all going to work out. They all 'by chance' walked by that traveler that day but a certain one was sent for that traveler. You can go through stuff and think well you are so and so you should stop why didn't you stop but I promise you there is a certain one that is meant to stop and help. Now for me and my beliefs and trust me it has taken me a long time to fully believe and understand that this does indeed apply to me but I know that God is always with me and never forsakes me. Does that mean that bad stuff will never happen to me? No. Does that mean that God is a terrible unloving God? No. In trying not to get into to much of my story I have felt alone for a majority of my walk in this road called life, I have had to face stuff on my own, pick myself up and walk best I could figure out - now I know what you're thinking I just said I know God is with me and never forsakes me. From certain circumstances in life that left me robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead they left me thinking God hated me, that I was unworthy and unlovable and unwanted because if a certain person in my life up and left me, literally dropping me out of their life and others doing the same well I stayed on that road beaten, robbed, stripped, dying for a long time. In that time I faced stuff on my own because I wouldn't dare let anyone in and also because I never felt like I had anyone that I could go to, no one that came to me. But thanks be to God that I found out God loves me a mess like me and wants me and thanks to God that later in my adult life God sent certain people in my life. Those people that I won't name here but I pray I've thanked you enough and shown my gratefulness to you in person. But those people they saw me in the road and I'll always believe and know that God answered my prayer and they are my family. They took the time to help heal the wounds, they help me to see who I really am, they've taken me in to their home and let me rest and are okay that I call it my home now. They spend time with me, I get to laugh and have joy and peace and comfort and love. I have a home and a family.<br />
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I say that to say this we're not meant to or even able to save everyone we pass on this road called life that needs help. But I firmly believe that there are those in our paths that we are that travelers certain person that is meant to stop and help. To often we think it is going to take a long time, a lot of money and such to help. Or maybe you're like me and afraid to let people in. It's okay to but you take the steps you need to take to feel comfortable doing that and don't you let no one knock you for how long or the stride in those steps. Now back to the helping you see sometimes the bandaging of the wounds is as simple as a hug, including someone, saying thank you I appreciate you, or an I love you or just sitting with them while they are going through something. Sometimes the picking them up or taking them to an inn is spending time with them even if just sitting at the house just being there making them feel wanted. For me my biggest struggle now is feeling like a burden and I wonder if that traveler in any moment felt like a burden. He shouldn't have, I shouldn't and nor should you if you ever do. We're not a burden because God sent those people in our lives and no matter what your mind or mine is telling us they want us in their life. Because those lifetime people in your life God knits them in your life they ain't going no where. Those people that cross the road, dress your wounds, take you in they're not worrying about how dirty they get while picking you up and being there for you, they're not worried about recognition, they are just that certain ones that God sent along the way to be the ones that you've needed in your walk and to keep you company and encourage you and make sure you know that you're not alone.<br />
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So if you see someone along the road that looks beaten, robbed, stripped and left for dead and you have that inkling in your heart that you need to cross the road my prayer is that you listen and be it just sending a text, sitting with someone during a hard time, or whatever it is on your heart that needs to be done - no matter how small, simple or silly it may sound - I pray you do it today because that person may be the one that God is knitting in your life to be the mom, pop or child or friend that you've longed for for many years that will walk this road with you and help you. And if you're on the side of the road I pray that you don't give up that you know that there is a certain person(s) coming along that will stop and help and not leave (for those that God sends that are a lifetime, again some are just a season but those that are knitted in your life from God, don't be afraid to open up and let them in and let help it's okay). And may you know that God is always there and if you don't understand what you're going through, if it's hard talk to Him about it it's okay, you may find you pray that prayer that sends along the person(s) you've needed. Happened for me.<br />
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Time to go walking. Maybe we'll cross paths and if I'm meant to stop and help this round I promise to do my best and if you stop I promise to be forever grateful. <br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-16293820133675074712019-11-08T10:54:00.001-05:002019-11-08T13:37:02.114-05:00Island of MisfitsI thought I had written about this random thought before but I can't find it so I'm just going to go with I need to hear it again and thus potentially write it again.<br />
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Two of my favorite things about the animation of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was year after year seeing Yukon Cornelius and the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys. I absolutely love the spotted elephant and I always wanted to go the island because I felt like I would belong there. Yet I never understood why those toys was brought there. Each year they tried to convince me they belonged there because who wants a train with square wheels, or a Charlie-in-the-box, a spotted elephant, a water pistol that shoots jelly, a bird that swims...am I forgetting any, well you get the idea. And each year I would think but those things make you the best toys ever. Recently those toys and that island came to mind and like I do I got to over thinking and something came to mind.<br />
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To often we put ourselves on the Island of Misfits and we wait for so long thinking we won't ever get off the island and even that we don't deserve to get off the Island. When Hermey, Yukon and Rudolph crash into the island and realize what it is Hermey and Rudolph feel like they've finally found a place they can belong. Rudolph's feeling like he belongs is short lived because he feels like his nose that shines so bright will cause harm to those he has come to care about so he makes his way off by himself.<br />
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Oftentimes in life we get put on the Island of Misfits be it from something we went through, a cutting remark or two (or more) from someone that meant a lot to us or nowadays a troll on the internet, or many other reasons of things being said or done (or not done) that cause us to believe lies about ourselves. To many of us at one point, now or for entirely to long have probably felt unworthy, unchosen, like you don't belong, unlovable, maybe even a bother.<br />
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Sometimes we even feel like we have the wrong name. Charlie-in-the-box felt like he was a misfit because all Jack-in-the-boxes are supposed to be named Jack and who would want a Charlie-in-the-box. He thought his name is what made him what he was supposed to be. Why would anyone want a Charlie-in-the-box? To him it made no sense, no one has ever said oh I want a Charlie-in-the-box, he had to have the name Jack to be wanted to become who he was supposed to be. You may have a first name you hate and/or a last name that comes with a lot of baggage (those [insert last name] aren't anything but trouble, not a good one in the bunch). You may have even been given labels that have made you believe you aren't able to be who and/or what you want to be. Maybe you've been told you're to much or to little of something, been given the label of can't - sometimes we get told we can't be or do something so much we believe it so much that we don't ever even try cause why waste the time I can't do it anyway. What Charlie and many of us don't realize is our name is just part of us it doesn't define us. Charlie was the best and still to this date the only jack-in-the-box that I like. His name made him unique. He still was able to do exactly what he was meant to do and he was remembered more for it because he had a name that would be remembered. You may think you have the wrong name or even a name you hate don't let it keep you on the island because you have a name that deserves to be and will be remembered for the awesome thing(s) that make you who you are. And those labels that was put on you that aren't who you are how about you and I both start making an effort to mark those out and replace them one by one with labels of who we really are and what if we try one more time or for the first time in a long time to do that thing that's been on your heart for a long time. <br />
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Sometimes we are put on a shelf for so long that we feel forgotten, unworthy and unlovable. Many argue that the doll doesn't belong on the island but what makes her feel like a misfit isn't seen with the eye. So many of us are walking around with things that make us feel like a misfit that we cover with smiles, laughs and an I'm okay. Some of us in some way, shape, or form have had things happen to us that have made us feel rejected, abandoned, forgotten, unworthy, undeserving and/or unlovable. We have situations, illnesses that effect us and give us challenges that not everyone sees or understands, and we just feel like a misfit put on a shelf and forgotten about. For those in our lives that have struggles from things that have happened to them or from illnesses that cause challenges may we show and give them a little patience and extra love and whatever else they may need (each person has different individual needs, concerns, etc.). And perhaps you're like me and are backwards and unsure what to do for those people in your life to you maybe reach out and explain or say this is where you are now can you do or not do X,Y,Z....sometimes we all get in a hurry in this rat race of a life and maybe don't realize we are leaving you behind or doing something that is making things more difficult for you. And may we always find time to be there for those that are in our life and may we always have someone there for us when we need it. I say this so much but we truly don't know what a simple message of praying for you, love you, thank you, how are you, you're not alone, etc can truly mean and help someone. It doesn't take an all day thing or lots of money to take someone off the shelf and remind them they matter and be there.<br />
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With Rudolph he found a friend in Hermey and Yukon and truly loved them so much so that when his nose shone bright he felt like he was a bother and was going to cause them harm by unintentionally bringing the abominable snowman right to their door. So he left on his own, not telling anyone where exactly he was heading and felt he was safer by himself. At least this way he wouldn't be a bother. Me personally, I am notorious for feeling like I'm a bother to people and I have gotten so used to just doing things for myself by myself that I'm not the best at accepting or even asking for help. I'm not even good at understanding the concept of it's good to visit and I'm not a bother at visiting or spending time with people. It's a learning process for me so if you personally know me and I do this to you it's nothing personal at all and I do sincerely apologize I'm probably thinking I'm being a bother so I'm trying to step back - I'll be back or you can say what are you doing get back here if you see fit. Sometimes people think they are protecting others and/or themselves by going away and not being as present as they really want to be because they don't want to be a bother they don't want the abominable to find you cause of them. Sometimes people think they are a bother or are going to interfere and cause trouble even with other relationships and friendships you have and sometimes people may feel threatened by those other friendships and relationships so some to keep peace they think the best is to just step back or go away to try to keep peace but there's room and love for all kinds of different friendships and relationships and we need them all. And don't ever think you're a bother cause your nose shines bright and you are there or say thank you or love you to much (some days we need that more than we ever let anyone know) Don't hide or run away because you think you are a bother I promise nine times out of ten you aren't being a bother and you know what just ask - cause I have found that that jerk of a voice in my head loves to lie to me and make me think I'm to much or a bother or whatever so just ask and that way when you find out no you're not a bother then you have some fight back the next time that lie comes back again.<br />
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Lastly, one has to mention Yukon Cornelius he is the kind of person you want in your corner and the kind of person I hope to be in others corner. He didn't conform to what others said you needed or had to be or had to like. He was there for Hermey and Rudolph and I think he helped them see so much in themselves. Hermey and Yukon never stopped looking for Rudolph.<br />
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May we never stop looking be it for gold, silver, or that friend that seems to think they are a misfit and just don't belong and may we never ever fall in the trap that because we are different or have a defect based on the world that we don't belong or matter.The ones that was labeled misfits were never misfits they was some of the best toys a kid could have ever gotten.<br />
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Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-62587377182580022212019-10-15T10:47:00.000-04:002019-10-15T10:48:14.022-04:00The truth is...Recently I had a memory come to mind of something that I heard repetitively at concert I went to a few years ago. You ever have those moments of you repeatedly see/hear a quote, verse, a theme of some sort and it finally gets to the point this isn't a coincidence what am I supposed to be getting from this. Back on that day and recently it in short kept being brought up about tearing the walls down around your heart to let people and to let God in, just to be you. And that came to mind so vividly recently and I thought oh God am I trying to build the walls back up again or is there a part that I've not thrown away or is it a fear. I believe it was fear because just like while driving when I got to doing some soul searching if you will this time the light hit the shadows to expose the lies. I know someone and I've always said they've lied to themselves so much that they believe what they say and remember as truth. Sometimes that's done to live with the guilt, sometimes it's done unknowingly and it starts out even as a protection mode. Let me see if I can explain it and end up being a lot vulnerable to expose some of my truths or so I thought they were, maybe we'll find out we're not alone in these lies we for to long believed as truth. (Honest disclaimer I'm panicking and not even writing the truths yet, oh how I don't like to be this vulnerable and exposed and I will barely scrape the surface)<br />
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The truth is I'm not perfect. Simple enough truth right? No one is perfect - not even those that act like they are. The lie I for so long believed was I have to be perfect for people to love me, for people to not leave. I had to say the right thing or they'd be gone again and I don't know when I'd hear from them and it had to be my fault I let a little something slip of how I really felt of something that had happened. Well anyway, you get the point. That all was a lie. The truth is all that did was have me walking on egg shells and I've never been nor will I ever be perfect. I've got traits and habits that will annoy the daylights out of people, plenty that annoy myself. People are going to leave and it's not my fault. Most people are leaves or branches in our lives they may be there for a short time or some many years and then you have the roots those awesome people that God knits in your life that are your tribe. I just need to be myself because those that are meant to will love me faults and all - now that's not giving me a pass to be a jerk but those people know you, me us all are or should be always a work in progress finding out new things about ourselves getting rid of learned traits and habits. There is such a freedom in not searching for that perfect picture (with the filter added just in case) but in those moments and especially with your tribe that you can just be real and yourself. Those moments you can share that picture with and have the inside jokes and just enjoy the moments with them.<br />
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The truth is I'm worthy - of love, happiness, joy - to receive and to give. I have probably caused a lot of unintentional hurt and got called some names because I built a wall that I would only let you in so far you tried to get further sorry got to shut that down because you come that close then you'll leave and that's a hurt I can't and don't know how to deal with and don't want to anymore. That was the lie to keep me from being loved and giving the love that I felt for others and it made me feel guilty for being happy and laughing and enjoying life. But the truth is laughter really is the best medicine and I like my obnoxious laugh/snort - not enough people have heard it. The truth is there is a freedom in being loved and loving back and in the moments of joy and happiness.<br />
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The truth is the past is in the past for a reason, don't live there. It didn't really have much for me while I was there so why visit it especially the not so good moments. Oh sure sometimes we got to look back to see how far we've made it and visit with those good memories. But the hurts, the people that caused those hurts, the walls - all that's in the past. If I live in those moments I'm giving control to the hurts and to those people to others and that's not a life, not much of an existence. So I'll hold on to and cherish any good memory I may have but I'm living in the now and going to make memories and spend time with the ones that are here for me and in my life and enjoy the moments I have with them and the adventures I get to have.<br />
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The truth is I'll have a bad day and slip into those lies. I recently heard Mariska Hargitay give an interview and in it she said in her twenties she felt herself having emotions and thoughts and such pertaining to the death of her mom and she had a really again kind of moment and she went to therapy and said we're taking care of this. First she is an amazing person and talented actress but I respected that honest moment she shared. Some days it may get bad but thankfully I can generally catch when I was walking and not paying attention and am now face to face with that lie. Used to I think I'd just let it take me by the hand and lead me further away but nowadays I do so much better at spotting them sometimes far enough ahead that I can avoid that route but when I come face to face I don't let it take my hand and I sometimes with a shaking voice speak the truth to destroy it and sometimes I don't even listen and keep walking forward. There have been moments where I feel myself trying to push away and that little lie tries to whisper it's ugliness. I've learned that they rear their ugly head when I'm closest to a victory and they get scared. The lies don't want me to see who I really am and what all I can and am going to do. The lies aren't going to stop me. They may trip me I won't say that but they won't stop me. A bad day or a mistake doesn't mean I'm over with I'm a failure or I'll never make and please never ever believe that lie cause that's what it is. A bad day is just that a bad day, a moment - let me refer you back to the you're not perfect truth.<br />
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The truth is I'm going to make it - the truth is I have already made it so far and I'm going to keep going forward. The lies said I'd never, ever be where I am now or have the people in my life that I do. The lies was afraid and didn't want me to get this far so they did whatever they could to keep me in the pit but thank God I made it to the palace.<br />
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There are more truths and maybe I'll mention them another time but I want to end with the one that may mean the most to me because it includes people that mean so very much to me.<br />
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The truth is I don't have to do this alone and I'm not. First I very much need to thank God for getting me to this point and not giving up on me. I thank God for saving me (my soul yes but my life too because I was in a very bad place) and I thank God for the people that He has knit in my life so I don't have to do this alone (yes I know God is always with me and I'm thankful for that). The journey to get to where I am now has been a long one and not easy - I will never wish or say I want to go back - but if it took that journey to meet the people that are in my life now then it was worth it. There are a few they are my tribe, they are my family that God bless them they saw something in me and that I was worth their time and to have in their life that they had patience but also pushed through those walls and doors. They sit with me, they take the time to explain things to me to help me navigate, they're right there with me to face things, they laugh with me, they spend time with me. they love me enough to correct me and they love me flaws and all. To each of you I most sincerely thank you for making my life better because it truly has become better with you all in it and I hope each of you know how grateful I am for you and that I love you all.<br />
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So the truth is none of us have it completely together every day and that's okay. <br />
<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-90449354706665962892019-10-08T08:41:00.001-04:002019-10-08T08:41:10.003-04:00Family (or a better title that will make you want to read this)I recently heard someone say something along the lines of we don't know what season someone is in and in this life we will go through many seasons. They say that you are in one of three places getting ready to go through a storm, in a storm or getting out of a storm. Then there is me and I don't know where I am but I know it's time to put off writing this post wherever it leads to.<br />
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I recently heard a story of a man in Wisconsin that passed away and unbeknownst to the people in his community he had a small fortune (half a million to be exact) and he didn't have a wife or children so in his will he had it that the money was to be equally divided between those that attended his funeral. There was a total of 270 people that showed up and signed that little book and pay their last (or maybe first) respect to this gentleman. They had no idea by signing that paper they was going to end up just a little over 1,800 dollars richer. They didn't care. They said that the man had a list of how he wanted to live his life and on it was a life that God would be pleased with and to have true friends to be less lonely. Some of the people described him as a loner. I sometimes think we misuse that word but I may get into that later. I think that was a man that I would have liked to have called friend and no not cause he had a half a million dollars but because in a little over two minute segment I learned a lot from this man and the people that showed up one last time for him. How many times any of those 270 people was there for this gentleman in the years they were acquainted and how many times he was there for them I don't know. He owned a dry cleaning business so who knows maybe just a simple hello from him when someone brought something in when they was having the Monday-est Monday in the history of Mondays helped someone and they never forgot that. Here's what I do know there's not a price we can put on what it means to someone to be there for them, to show a little kindness, to let them know in this jacked up, hectic, sometimes downright mean world we live in you know what I see you, you're not alone, here let me help you carry this heavy bag of worry, hurt, fear, doubt, loneliness....my goodness can I just have a sidestep to that to live in a world full of so many ways to talk to people or have interactions with people we are living in a lonely time. Y'all can we please just take a minute - you can even literally make it just a minute - to reach out to someone today. If you're able to see whoever comes to mind then throw in a hug too would you? I was reading an excerpt from a devotional the other day on hugs and touch and how in America they watched people for an hour to see how many times the people touched each other - it was 2 times there was other countries that they touch over 100 times. Now I know you need to respect people and there are various things to consider in just those moments of having an oh did you know moment and touching their arm or me when I get extremely tickled about something and hit you on the arm. But I also know the importance of touch and hugs. There's something about that that lets you know that you're seen, you're not alone. I've been sitting by my mom before and in my own little world and she'd pat me on the leg or back and that little gesture meant a lot which I guess may sound weird or dumb and you're thinking well it's your mom you've had that your whole life - I've had it for the years that God chose her as my family and put her in my life but growing up no didn't really have that not a lot. And here would be a good moment to go on to my second thought for this post<br />
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Family is important - very important- there's no denying that. There's two things that I think people don't like to talk about and may not even agree with if you don't that's okay. That's that your given family can be toxic and that you can have a chosen family. Growing up or even in adulthood you've probably had someone say so and so isn't a very good friend, they're toxic you need to stay away from them. Family can be toxic too. So if you have to limit your time around a person that cause of a family tree has a label of mom, dad, brother, sister, etc and someone says but that's your family please don't let that condemn you. Some people we have to love from a distance and/or limited time and sometimes those people are our given family. Don't go back or stay around someone that's toxic because someone that may not even know all or part of the story says well that's your family and please if that family has done something to you and you know you've forgiven them and you know you got to limit or are waiting on the right time to even remotely let them back in your life don't let that lie of you've not forgiven them or you'd have them in your life trip you up. You can forgive and not have them constantly in your life or at all. I don't understand it that if it's a friend we don't even say anything we usually just say well sometimes we outgrow people or nothing at all we don't even question if you've really forgiven them. My own personal opinion but family can be toxic and you can forgive and love and still limit the time you are around them.<br />
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Now before I get to that second part of family - our chosen family - let me have a little side stop. Don't let the toxic family or things that happened keep you in a story that was only meant to be a chapter. I spent well over half of my life living a story and being stuck in a story that was only a chapter. Trust me I am not taking away or making light that those chapters are hard, difficult and can about take you out of this world or make you want out. I won't even say it's easy to get out of the chapters or that those memories, fears, people won't try to take you back to those chapters because there is going to be people in your life that don't want you to see your story through to see what an awesome story you have to fulfill. Again sometimes that's given family and sometimes it's friends. Don't let an event or person write your story when it's only meant to be a chapter. Sure things are going to happen and you're going to change, you're going to grow and you're going to move forward - you're not staying in that pit.In grief they say there is a you before and after the heart wrenching see you later we have to tell our loved ones. I agree and in many ways you may never fully get back to the you before. That's okay. But you will become you again you will just move on to a different you. You'll still laugh, have joy and make great memories granted it's a chapter and new chapters that you don't ever want to have to go through but you'll always carry those loved ones with you. many things in life are like that there's a before and after. Sometimes when bad things happen we're afraid to move on or don't know how and we even feel guilty. The next chapter may not be one we wanted to face yet or it may not be written when or how we had envisioned but baby you got a story to tell and you got some awesome things left to do in your story. You ain't in that pit anymore and you are moving forward and I can't wait to see what all your story has in story. I'm rooting for you. <br />
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Now our chosen family. Many of us didn't/don't have a mother or father figure, didn't have a sibling or don't have a relationship with yours, or maybe you don't have a given child but longed to have one. Many of us long for that we want a mom that will be our best friend a dad that we can go fishing with or a sibling we can have inside jokes with and go do something silly to get into or a child to love and help grow and see the world from their view. I specifically remember asking God would I ever have a mom, a motherly influence. See when I'd think/hope and even finally get the nerve to pray about it in my head I would hear why would anyone want you to call them mom and see you as their daughter. But the last time I asked God about it with those lies still loud in my mind I asked God will I ever know is there someone, I don't know how you have it written with my given family and I don't know but if there's even anyone that would be okay with me seeing them as my mom if they'd be okay seeing me as their daughter but God if it's not meant to be however you have it written can you take this ache and want away especially if it's not meant for me to have a mom figure. With that way to much insight into my story being said I've met people over the last fourteen years that have truly become family I call them my chosen family because I truly believe God put them in my life and gave them to me to be my family and I probably don't tell them near enough but I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to call them family and they let me intrude on their life. I had to wait a long time to meet my chosen family but I'm thankful that I have them now and I'll forever call them family. Some people can be in our lives for all of our life and they may have a title but there are some that you meet in what seems like a just so happens scenario and you hope that's not the last time you see them because they have already made such an impact on your life. If I named people I could specifically name four people that God just dropped in my life all right when I needed them and was even questioning God will I have this kind of person in my life and it took me awhile to accept that I was allowed this and they do want me in their life and their not going anywhere and their perfectly okay that I call them my family. Sometimes people come into our lives as friends but they become so much more they become a sister, mom, pop - they become our chosen family and I thank God for them.<br />
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So in closing don't wait until your signing your name in one of those books to let people know what they mean, to just be there for them and however you got the family you have and though it may have taken a long time to have them in your life let's not get to busy trying to make the perfect post to get the likes, hearts and laughs on social media that we forget to give the hugs, laughs and time to those in our life. Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-35577539693251372302019-09-20T00:21:00.000-04:002019-09-20T00:21:30.926-04:00Battle CryThis is a post I will want to delete as soon as I share it because it is going to make me feel vulnerable and probably repetitive! Let's get this over with.<br />
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I've been in a battle - spiritual, mental I don't know what label it would have but it's been a battle. Earlier this week I was driving in my car, crying trying to pray but to be honest I just felt like it wasn't getting no where close to God's ear and I said out loud it would just be easier if it was all over and I knew then just how bad this battle had gotten and I had to fight come hell or high water I had to fight like my life depended on it cause it very well may have. Oh this isn't a post to give you five points of say this, read this and it's all good. Nope just a post of a quiet girl that still doesn't have very much figured out but will hold on for dear life to the truths I know and have learned and continue to learn some days are just hard sometimes the a-ha! moment doesn't show up when I need or want it to or how - we don't really talk much about that do we. See all my life I lived in my head in my own little world it was safer there and I thought for things to get better and safer for me to be able to tear the walls down and put some doors in to let people inside it could never be because of what was needed and what I wanted just didn't seem likely to ever happen but if I'm honest I was wrong on all accounts and the answer sure didn't show up how I thought it would. Can I say we're quick to tell people to not be like anyone else or worry about what others think and I agree but I at least am one that I must let go and quit holding on to these preconceived ideas of this is how certain things should work out and if not well there's something wrong with me or well this will never happen because it wasn't said or done just like this. Careful my friend I think a wall was just trying to be built back up and we're not going backwards but only forward. Now let me get to some good things yes even the kick I gave myself because sometimes listen kicks aren't fun getting your toes stepped in hurts a little but they move us forward or should - I mean you can sit there and sulk and throw you a pity party if you want to but I'll limp with the pain and move forward thankful I am loved enough to be told enough, or you're wrong, it's time to get out of your comfort zone.<br />
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So here's a few thoughts I had I'm not even sure it goes with any of this.<br />
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I recently had to go somewhere and the person gave me directions. Well I missed the turn time and time again. Finally I pulled in a parking lot and said I am not dumb I may not be smart but I know I can find this. If I would quit focusing on the voice that says I'm going to mess up so much that I miss half of the directions and focus on the person giving the directions I may not miss the turn. To me that's like life it's even like how I see myself. I mean first I miss out or have missed out on so much because of those good pals fear and doubt fear tells me I'll make the wrong turn be it driving or the wrong turn in a decision in life or even in something as simple as a conversation and doubt is right there saying you aren't going to make it I doubt they even care or listened, I doubt that anyone will read this and if they do they'll talk about you (fear had to add it's two cents in), etc. But you see there's another voice that says I will mess up but it's okay because I still matter, I'm still worthy and oh yeah I still very much am an overcomer. If I focus on the truth on the voice giving me the directions fear and doubt will show up to try to knock me down but if I hold on to the truth if I get back up or just pull into a parking lot and say wait a minute this is taking me the wrong/long way stop, let's get it together I can make this I will win and I am not giving up.<br />
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Now second thought this one is funny and just hit me. So I have curly hair if you don't know me and there's a science to taming the beast or trying to. I washed my hair and was waiting on that perfect time for it to not be to wet or to dry to put the fixings on it to tame the beast. Y'all I got sidetracked like I so often do and didn't put anything on it. I wouldn't tell this except I went out to eat with some family and didn't think nothing of it the whole time until I got back and was like oh my word I did nothing to my hair I bet it looks awful - by some miracle it didn't. But in my weird way of putting pieces of puzzles together in my head it reminded me how to often we put on masks - I have to wear this mask for this person or they will leave or they will see me get frustrate or see me vulnerable can't have that wear the mask...tonight I didn't put anything on my hair but I didn't wear a mask either. There was no worry of oh no my hair isn't what it is supposed to be, and there wasn't even no mask of oh no don't say this or that. I don't know about my hair but myself realized the freedom there is of no masks. I was me, my quiet annoying self and it was great and guess what they still love me.<br />
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The third thing also deals with the dinner with my family. If I go out to eat with you and I think you're going to pay I am going to tell a secret that's not really a secret on myself - I'll never get what I want I will get the cheapest thing because I don't want people to spend their money on me, spend it on you (lots of lessons I'm learning on that, one being be it food, time or another gift I don't want to knock anyone out of their blessing to do something for me just as I don't want people to tell me or not let me help them or take them out to eat or whatever is on my heart to do). So in thinking they may actually let me pay - to be fair I asked all along to let me pay I wanted to do that for them - they never answered so I was fairly certain I'd have to figure out a way to get the ticket/check before they did when the server brought it - but point, if there is one is that they saw something that I liked and said now we know if you order something else what you're doing basically. Again weird roundabout way to get to this but if I wear a mask or if I don't tell my story or shorten the answer to something as simple as what's you're favorite (insert what you like here) because I'm afraid I may get excited and ramble to long or laugh to loud or whatever. I'm giving them the chicken fingers platter when I want the ribs or steak or whatever - anything but the chicken. <br />
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So whatever battle you may be facing please hold on and I am so glad you are still here and am proud of the fighter you are first and foremost. This week I've learned a lot, cried possibly enough to end the drought but I won a lot and I lost too - and oh how glad I am that I lost. Yes I'm glad I lost a battle because I lost things that were just a hindrance, lost some fears and doubts and silly ideas of how things had to be and if they wasn't that meant I wasn't winning or moving forward but I won laughter and freedom and joy. Sometimes our battle cry may not be loud but shout it anyway because it may be the one to knock that stronghold down for the count and give you that victory.<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-81202725914769998072019-09-10T11:34:00.004-04:002019-09-10T14:37:32.498-04:00Watch Your StepLet's not waste to much time with an oh this may be a good post opening paragraph to get you to maybe keep reading. You got your water, maybe some snacks and a map <br />
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Watch your step.<br />
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Last weekend I went walking on a trail I'd never been on and it was rated as moderately difficult. To be honest I know my limits but also have not so good confidence in myself so generally I automatically avoid moderate or higher rated trails. Although one should never really do that because you then automatically limit yourself and never get to grow, never get stronger, miss out on seeing some amazing views, and never really get a change of view cause your stuck on the same trails and same views - or the same lies and the same fears and you don't get where you are most definitely able and meant to be at. <br />
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Watch your step.<br />
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I'm walking it starts out not so bad. Then I get to the top of one trail and I could go back the same way I came or according to the map on my app I can make a loop and not have to repeat a whole lot of what I just walked. So I keep walking forward. Get to another intersection and if I went straight it said it would be 2.5 miles to the road whereas the other way was 3 so I think I'll keep going straight save a little length in what I have to walk. I get down this hill and something keeps telling me this isn't right. So I finally look at the map again (I know would have been smart to do that first but I wouldn't have my fantastic point to make if you give me just a minute) I then realize I can get to my car if I keep going but it will take me way longer than 2 miles to get to it and I should have went to the one that was 3 miles to the road. So I go back up the hill to the intersection and get on the trail I should have taken. All the while I've been tripping on roots, having to stop, trying to force myself to keep going, questioning why I decided on this trail, questioning could I make it, and drinking lots of water to the point of being on my last bottle by the time I get to the car. Ready to hear the rambling thought I got and until now only shared with one person from walking this trail.<br />
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Watch your step<br />
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Trails remind me a lot of trials in life. One could argue the only difference is you step out knowing your going on a trail sometimes we wake up in the morning not knowing we may be about to step into one of the most difficult trails we've had to face or perhaps one of the most rewarding or perhaps both if we just don't give up walking the trail.<br />
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I'm just naturally a clumsy person. I will walk into stuff and trip over roots even when I see them and try to step over but to be honest many times I don't even see them. And to be honest when walking on the trail at some point I was just so tired I didn't see them but had I I'm not sure I would've had it in me to go ahead and pick up my foot to miss the root. Trials are like that sometimes. They either trip us up before we see them or sometimes we've been in one so long we're so tired we just can't quite get over this root that's trying to trip us up.<br />
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The elevation changed quite a bit on this trail so you'd have to go up a hill level out go down a hill back up a hill so on and so forth. Also like a trial in life sometimes it feels like it's more up hill than not. When I had to go back to get on the trail I should have taken I hadn't seen anyone in awhile and I finally saw two women and a man. One of the women asked if they was getting close to the intersection and I said oh yeah I just go on this trail not far back at all. I'm a slow walker so I know it's a joke that you always tell people oh you're almost there even when they could be far, far away. I promise if you meet me on a trail and I say I just got on the trail I did I don't make progress very fast and that's in life and on the trail. So I asked them I said how rough is this trail. The man answered and said oh it's pretty rough but once you get on the other side it's not to bad. I never reached the other side he was talking about! First I appreciate that mans honesty cause if I'm honest had he said it was easy not far on that trail my state would have been I wish I was in as good a shape that man was in to say this was easy and quite possibly calling him a liar such as it was I several times said I appreciate your honesty sir and am I getting close to this other side.<br />
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Trials in life are like that part in that sometimes we meet people on our trials and I think they are there to remind us how far we got to go, how rough it may be or just for little moment of time to not feel alone.<br />
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On this really rough part of the trail I was about to give up giving myself down the road and I also according to the map should be getting close to the meeting of the trail I started on but the trail was getting harder and almost seemed to disappear and thus I was getting afraid I was lost. I knew I couldn't turn around and go back the way I had come I didn't have it in me to make it that way, I didn't even want to go back to where I had been. I knew I needed to trust myself and calm down that I wasn't really lost I just needed to have a little confidence in myself. And I needed to sit and rest. At least once in trying to get up one of those never ending hills y'all I got out of breath cause I am out of shape! So I tried to make myself going to get to the top of the hill and made it a few times and some times I just had to stop because wearing myself out and essentially hurting myself to beat some unimaginable time frame wasn't doing myself any good.<br />
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Ultimately I realized I wasn't lost that was the fear talking and I made it to the trail I had originally started on and there was a tree and I sit there leaned against that tree as others walked on by and my little timer on my app kept on ticking by.<br />
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Trials in life are like that we think we have to get through a trial by a certain time or we've failed or we're a failure as we see people walking on by completing there trial. Not true my friend. Just like there is no time frame on grieving the lost of a loved on there is no time frame on getting through a trial. Some no doubt talked about me sitting there at that tree. Some will talk about you for the times you sit or the time you take to get through a trial. Let them talk but don't you dare listen to what they say in those moments because you know what I've learned sometimes I get my answer in the sitting not the walking and sometimes I get to meet the best people in the sitting and honestly I know they've helped me but just maybe we've helped each other. In the sitting I caught my breath but I also go to catch a view or two.<br />
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Because you see I think we're afraid to stop thinking we'll take to long or miss something or be seen taking a break and be talked about. Here's something else I think - see in that walk I made the statement it's a good thing I"m by myself or I'd slow people down. See even in trials we're afraid to accept help because we will slow someone down or will be a bother. Can I tell you something that hit me hard when I got to the car and I was sharing this part with someone. Be it walking on a trail or in a trial in life if someone comes in your path and they offer to help can I challenge myself and you to not say oh no I'll just slow you down you go on but instead say okay. Listen I know that's going to be hard for me I'm used to doing stuff on my own be it walking a trail or a trial in life. It's what I've had to do most of my life for various circumstances to the point that in life I got to the point I have said I won't let no one I'm not letting someone say I wouldn't have this or made it if they hadn't sacrificed their time or done this and hold it over me and the times I did try to ask for help I was met with broken promises and by myself. So please understand I know how hard this is. But there have been a few times that there are people that have shown me they will walk this with me. Now I understand we got to walk it and do our part but we don't have to walk it alone all the way. So if someone asks to walk with you don't say no it will just slow you down because who are we to say that that slow down isn't exactly what that person needs maybe they need to slow down and take in the view themselves and maybe in that slow down you all will build a friendship that you didn't even know you needed. We're in to big of a hurry to say no I'm fine when sometimes we just need to sit with that person and find out we're not fine and that's okay and to share encouragement or you know what sometimes even a kick to say hey time to get up it's time you see the view that has evaded you for long enough.<br />
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Watch your step<br />
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In short don't get in such a hurry of getting through a trial at a certain time frame or beat your self up for the things you trip over on your trial. A shortcut to save you some time doesn't always mean it's the right turn. The hills aren't easy nor fun to climb. You're going to get tired, hurt, dirty and might be on your last bottle of water when you get to the car or end of your trial. Don't be afraid to take a turn or the long way. Don't forget to stop to catch your breath and to just take in the view of that pretty flower or oddly shaped rock. Accept help when you need it and give that help forward every chance you can. Don't let fear stop you. And even if you get lost just turn around and get back where you know you can get your footing back or just stop and check every lie and fear that is coming at you to make sure did I mess up or is this a trick to make me go back to the old ways.<br />
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Watch your step but you take that step and always enjoy the view and the time you have with those that are on the trial with you (and those that are testing you and not helping keep walking forward in the end you'll have distance from them and see it was all worth the view)<br />
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Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-1230802949294778932019-08-26T08:52:00.001-04:002019-08-26T08:52:17.173-04:00I can see clearly now (that I'm terrible with titles!) Insert the most perfectly imperfect opening sentence here to grab your attention and make you want to continue reading...oh my friend have I got some ramblings to write about today if you got the patience and time to read this (if not skip to where you see me talking about glasses and sight just look for this *). I watched that cursor blink for quite some time then I wrote a paragraph and then I deleted it. It was then I heard something someone said to me just yesterday in fact. I always say I can't talk where people can hear me and to a degree that may always be true but when I said that I can't talk where I can be heard I was thankfully called out. I was told something along the lines of yes you can when you don't think about it. I automatically think anything and everything I say won't be heard, or I'll get excited and talk 'loud' and ramble on and be a bother, etc (and trust me this list goes on and on) and as I was staring at that cursor I realized I was doing the same thing. I can't write...yes you can when you don't think about it. Don't worry about the perfect opening sentence or paragraph. Just write it. So if you're still reading I'm going to just write my perfectly imperfect just maybe loud enough for you to hear it rambling thought.<br />
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In part of a conversation I heard that I'm still not sure if I wasn't supposed to say part of what I'm about to write or not but I'm going to write some thoughts that just won't leave me alone and perhaps I just need the reminder or maybe someone that reads this needs it. Two parts that keep coming to mind that was asked/said during this conversation was I just don't understand and Do you have any....<br />
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The first one I have absolutely no problem with I say I don't understand a lot and there are somethings that I just don't think it's time for me to understand, some I'm just not ever going to be smart enough to understand and somethings I'll just never understand. All of those are okay and in my own opinion I don't think God gets mad at me for going to Him and saying God I don't understand but I'm not going to end with that because though I don't understand and may never I want to ask and know what can I learn from this, how can I grow, how can I help others, how can I just rest in the unknown and not understanding.<br />
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The second one I have a smidgen problem with because if you aren't careful you become like Job's friends. His friends started off well they came and set with and was there with their friend. Then the started talking. Not a problem there at all. The problem was with what they said. They did the do you have any question...what did you do Job, what sin have you committed, what have you not repented of, etc. They intentionally or not added to Job's burden and trials. Not one time did they say Job can I pray for you...can I got to the market and get you something for these health ailments you got going on....can I take you somewhere to run an errand....can clean up your campsite...can I take you to my house to rest for a bit. No they just said do you have any....what did you do. Now there may be times you should ask someone this but don't let that be the only thing you say...here's my thinking and I may be wrong but don't say do you have any if you ain't going to say can I pray for you or can I sit with you during this.<br />
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*So even though I don't understand I believe I had a random thought that I think God used to show me something and maybe it was just for me or maybe I need to share it or at least write it on here to remind myself one more time. If you don't know me I have to wear glasses - I have terrible eyesight. If you saw me with my glasses you'd know that and you would think oh well she can see just fine now - not always the case though is it. Sometimes even with my glasses I have trouble reading a sign or something. Now if you know me and see me without my glasses you know I can't see but you don't know how little that I can't see. Sometimes that's the way it is in our trials and storms I can sometimes see and know you're in a trial but not how bad and sometimes I can't see at all that you're in a storm and not able to see....God upped this little thought because I then had this moment of just seeing if you will myself in a moment of where I desperately needed my glasses to see to do what I thought God wanted me to do but I had a moment of take your glasses off and sit them down....no I can't do that God I need them to see, how will I find my way....take the glasses off and look. So in this little thought I did, I take my glasses off and it's so blurry and I think okay now what I can't see God. Yes you can just look. I am God...no you're not. You think you need those glasses to get the answer to see the answer clearly but you're looking with the wrong set of eyes. See my glasses are my eyes or so I thought but in this moment of blurriness I did see I actually saw some stuff more clear than I have in a long time. Because in a particular situation specifically I've never given up that God is going to heal this person and I know that God sent them in my life to be my family (and I waited 24 years for God to decide it was time for them to be in my life and now that they've been in my life for four years well over half of that has been me seeing them have health problems and deal with pain and frustrations that I can't even begin to imagine but also faith that has helped me in my own walk). So if it was about this particular situation or lots of something elses or nothing at all. I do know one thing in that moment I realized that in my I don't understand moments of life I can't look with my glasses on but instead take them off and just look....remember what God has told me, what He has shown me time and time again, what He has promised (in His Word and what I believe He sometimes personally gives us) and in that moment do you see it now.....yeah I can see it now <br />
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Sometimes we have to do a something that doesn't make very much sense and often times is just down right nerve wrecking. Sometimes we have to spend a longer time in the I don't understand season then we want to. More times than not we just need to speak even if they may not hear us and take our glasses off so we can truly see what's going on (no you won't see me taking my glasses off trying to drive or anything!) but to really see what's going on and how far we have made it in a certain situation or that the person we're praying for is going to be okay may not know when their season will be over of the trial/storm they're in but they're going to win and be okay.<br />
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So please never be afraid to say something even if it may be to loud cause you got excited or you had to repeat it cause it wasn't heard and don't always think you are seeing an outcome clearly because you have your 'glasses' on sometimes we need to take them off and not go by feelings, or what things look like, or an outcome others have had (especially if it was bad cause that can and will be used against you). And never, ever be afraid to say can I sit with you while you're going through this, are you okay, can I pray for you and/or can I do anything to help to lighten the load (and give some examples if something is on your heart especially even if the person is stubborn and you think there's no way they will let me help them - ask anyway and if it's praying well pray for them all the time they don't have to know but sometimes I think it gets put on our hearts to go and actually pray with the person too)<br />
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I guess that's all I got to say about that.<br />
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To every <i>thing there is</i> a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up <i>that which is</i> planted;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;</div>
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<span class="reftext"></span>A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.</div>
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Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8</div>
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Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-20237729537559900542019-08-21T08:38:00.002-04:002019-08-21T08:38:56.855-04:00Girl Going NowhereHello old friend, how have you been? It's been way to long. I have so many things to say yet nothing at all and I have no idea where to start at. It's funny cause I've written this and more posts in my head countless times since the last time we got to visit but I guess fear and doubt and over thinking has stopped me from writing these words. The lovely statement I'll write it tomorrow turned into so many months of not saying anything.<br />
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Can I tell you a secret? I'm getting my song back. I suppose that's part of life isn't it - some days you sing, some days you listen and some days you just keep searching for that song unsure if you're going to find it again. Courage, dear heart - you will find the song. <br />
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This past week - on August 12th to be exact - I was looking at my memories on Facebook and on that day I was stranded in Glendive Montana all by myself well over one thousand miles away from the people I care about and especially the ones that have a way to calm me down when I have my freak out moments and I will believe when they say it's going to be okay. Y'all have those people that if so and so says it's going to be okay it must going to be even if I still don't see how. Well on that day last year I went walking in well over 100 degree weather and I happened to find a feather. Fast forward to the same day this year and I went walking. Where? I'm so glad you asked. I was in one of the places I was trying to get to on that fateful trip last year and to a place I had about given up on ever making it to. On this day I was walking a trail and probably about halfway of the whole way I walked on this trail I looked down and I found a feather. A few days later I was on another trail and I found another feather. Is there anything to finding the feathers on any of the times I have ever found - I don't know but it's always felt like a little hug from God when I find them, an it's okay my child I'm here and will always be. Silly? Probably but just maybe not.<br />
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I was recently having a conversation with Mama J (y'all know I don't write names) and first do you all just have those people in your life that you just know God placed them in there (here would be a good place to just let me say thank you God for Mama J, Mom and Pop - and if you all happen to read this thank you all so very much for putting up with me you all have no idea how grateful I am to have you all in my life)....but in this conversation we got talking about life and such and I made the statement of how I finally feel like I'm actually living and becoming who I was meant to be. In case you didn't know I turned 35 since we last visited and to be honest with you I never thought I'd make it to say that. Growing up I lived in my head a lot because I had a bit of control of how things were in there and I could be myself and just have the people in my life I always hoped to have but never really thought I would. Thank God for healing and working on me and for sending people in my life that are my family - not like family but honest to goodness I will forever call them and see them as my family. Our stories are never written in the sequence or way we hope or have it figured in our head (if yours was God bless you that's awesome and I'm truly happy for you). But what I've discovered is that how my story has went so far isn't all bad because things that I went through I'll get to use and help someone else and it all led me to people like the ones I've mentioned and for that it was all worth it. My story obviously started when I was born and have I had some chapters in between there - some I'd rather not remember and some I probably never will remember because I've got it blocked so much some I still have trouble sharing and then there's the last week of my 30th chapter to now that have for sure still had it's ups and downs but it has led me to healing, going places I never thought possible, laughing and learning to open up and be myself with people and so much more. You know what I'm learning - the chapters may be in different sequence some names and situations may be different but at the core of our stories we have so very much in common we just got to find our tribe to share the story with. And never, ever think you're story doesn't matter or need to be shared I promise there is someone (or more) waiting to hear your story.<br />
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I don't know about you but I'm ready to write some more in my story and find a song or two to sing. It has been lovely catching up we must do this again real soon I feel like I left a whole lot out that I meant to write. <br />
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It's nice to be in a place in my story to be able to say not bad for a girl going nowhere*<br />
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*based on the song Girl Going Nowhere by Ashley McBryde<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-49415572893416912872018-11-27T08:37:00.000-05:002018-11-27T08:37:03.198-05:00Storms of LifeStorms. We all go through them and at one point I think we’ve all went through a storm we didn’t think we’d survive. I dare say this year has been the stormiest year – I have seen so many people I care about have to face what they would probably call their worst storms. Sometimes I get myself in storms, sometimes we get put in storms by our circumstances and sometimes storms just happen. If you wish to continue reading I’m going to ramble on about ships and storms because whatever the reason for your storm there’s going to be a ship and you’re going to make it through this storm. In Jonah chapter 1 it starts out that God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and we see Jonah decided to take the scenic route. No, in fact Jonah fled from what God said to do and got on a boat to go to Tarshish and while on the boat a storm came but we find Jonah in the vessel asleep many commentaries say that it wasn’t a soundful or peaceful sleep but that at this time Jonah was depressed, exhausted and even stressed. So when the people cast lots and discover Jonah is the reason for this storm and their lives in danger Jonah admits he is the reason and tells them to throw him off the boat. Even now Jonah had rather take his chances of surviving swimming in the water then to say fine I’ll go to Nineveh so they throw him overboard and Jonah gets a three day stay in the belly of a fish where he ultimately prays and calls out to God saying he will go tell the people of Nineveh the word God tells him to. I have lost count at how many storms I have gotten myself into like Jonah. Many times I believe God has told me to go tell someone something or do something for someone and I panic – my pride gets in the way a lot to if I’m honest – and so often I think God wouldn’t use someone like me or what if I’m wrong and that’s not God. So I run. I also end up in a storm until I ultimately say okay God I’ll do it or sometimes I’ve waited to late and God has sent someone else and I’m left asking God to forgive me. If you feel like God is telling you to do something and you worry what if it’s not God or the person will think you’ve lost your mind or why would God use me, I’m convinced those are tell-tell signs that it is indeed God. If God tells you to go to someone and give them a hug, go up to someone and tell them something no matter how silly it sounds to you and no matter if you have to say it with a shaky voice and trembling knees what you have to say may be the light that person is needing to survive their own storm. I like to look at this event as yes Jonah disobeyed, he flat out ran from something that God knew Jonah could do and there was a reason that it was to be Jonah to tell the people of Nineveh just like it is you that needs to tell that person hey you got this, or you might want to turn away from the road you are on, or even thank you for helping me and being there. The storm was like that rebuke from a loved one saying you messed up I still love you but how about we turn around and try this again and the fish is when we say nope but God still loves us enough to provide shelter until we have our moment of right I really am running and have our little talk with God and finally decide it’s time to do what we ran from. <br /><br />Then there are times in life we are going along when a storm hits and it’s not due to anything we’ve done (seems that’s our first thought isn’t it when a storm hits – what did I do, why is God mad at me, and of course will I make it through this?). In Matthew chapter 14 verses 24 through 31 we see that just before that the disciples were on the boat in the sea of Galilee minding their own business going along just fine but soon the boat was in the middle of the sea, tossed by the wind and waves when the disciples see a man walking on the water and they think it’s a ghost but it is Jesus and Peter says if it’s really you bid me to come and Jesus did. Peter got off of the boat and started walking on the water only to be distracted by the waves and so he began to sink and as he did he cried out “Lord, save me.” and immediately Jesus was there and brought him up out of the water. Jesus said to him, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” First, again let me say this storm wasn’t anyones fault it was like those storms you have to face in life that are just part of life, losing a loved one comes to mind as one of those storms. Second, when people read this they always focus on Peter sinking but during that storm he saw Jesus through all the waves and wind and probably even mist and he was willing to get off the boat to get to Jesus. We can’t walk a storm with a nice paved road and will complain about a pot hole and Peter was willing to get off the boat and walk on not only water but water that most definitely wasn’t calm. When Peter got on the water he got distracted by the waves, I like to look at the waves as fears, lies, doubts and worries. So often in these not in our control storms we can see Jesus and know he’s there but those waves of you won’t survive this, you did something to cause this, you should’ve could’ve would’ve done this different, etc until we start to sink. Can I whisper a little something to you today that you may be struggling with, I know I do, when Jesus said oh you of little faith he wasn’t saying Peter had no faith and a sort of you deserved that type thing but instead it was that Peter’s faith was unbelievably strong to get off of the boat but there was still some growing and maturing to do so he could steadily walk on the water. Don’t be afraid to get off of the boat in the storm because in that moment Peter was heading right where he needed to be – to be with Jesus in the storm. Yes, he sank but he called out in the storm and while sinking Lord save me and Jesus was right there to catch him. Oftentimes when we call out we feel like our prayers wasn’t heard but my friend can I remind you and myself that God is always right there, He has you when you call out to him for help, we may not always feel those arms or hear that reassuring voice loudly but you’re not going to drown. There will be times those waves will knock us down but there is hope and don’t you think you are weak or have no faith when you start to sink and call out Lord save me. Sometimes it takes storms for our faith to have to grow. The waves may be crashing right now but my friend keep looking through the rain and wind because I believe I see a man walking on the water to come help you get through this storm.<br /><br />Lastly, sometimes there are storms that we are put in and have to go through due to circumstances beyond our control. I encourage you to read all of Acts chapter 27 and for times sake I’m going to do some paraphrasing. We find Paul a prisoner being put on a boat on his journey to ultimately be seen before Caeser. The whole journey talks about the difficulty and at one point Paul advises they should stay in this one area but his advice is ignored. It is now that they find themselves in a terrible storm, one where they are having to throw stuff off of the ship to try to keep it afloat and many other obstacles all to the point that the people lost all hope that they would be saved. It was then Paul told them that God sent an angel and told him that no one would lose their life, only the ship itself would be lost as long as everyone stayed on the boat. Then Paul encouraged the people to eat for they hadn’t eaten for many days and told them to take heart because he believed God would do as He said He would. At one point some people tried to jump off of the boat and Paul told the centurion that if they did you’re not going to survive this storm. Ultimately they did indeed make it to shore with some of the people having to float to shore on pieces of the boat. Sometimes events take place in our lives and it makes us a prisoner and we go through storms. It wasn’t Paul’s fault he went through that storm just like it wasn’t your fault you had to go through that thing that sometimes finds you on this boat in a storm that you just don’t think you’re ever going to escape and you’re very tempted to just jump off the boat (sometimes no matter which of these three storms you are going through it’s tempting to jump off of the boat). One of the worst things to lose when you’re going through a storm is your hope. When I think of the word hope, I think light in darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel, and that if I can just hang on a little longer I can make it but when I lose that all I can see is the dark, waves crashing, rain never ending storm that I am now convinced I won’t survive after all. Sometimes we are in this part way longer then we want to be but I truly believe that when we have lost the sight of God really is there then God sends someone to us to remind us and encourage us. Paul encouraged the people that they would make it as long as they didn’t jump off the boat and he encouraged them to eat to gain strength. Oftentimes in storms we forget to eat, sometimes literal food but also our spiritual food of prayer, reading the Bible, fellowshipping with our brothers and sisters in Christ, or even stopping going to church. In these moments thank God for the Paul’s in our lives that encourage us and on those moments they see us with one leg over the side of the boat ready to jump they say if you jump you will not survive this storm.<br /><br /> Because the boat you’re on right now might not survive the trip but you my friend are going to survive this storm. You might have to float on a piece of the boat but you’re going to make it to the shore. I can’t promise you that it will be an easy ride through this storm but let me reassure you that no matter the reason behind the storm you are in God is right there with you I know you may not feel like it but He is and if you’re about to lose hope let me encourage you to stay on the boat if it’s a storm that I’m on the boat with you I promise I won’t jump off the boat but ride it out with you so we can make it to the shore and while we’re here can I pray for you? I mean that too. The storms aren’t easy and they seem to be hitting harder and more frequently, now more then ever let us be the hope and light to bring our ship to shore. <br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-5320890187431488082018-08-27T10:55:00.001-04:002018-08-27T10:55:18.316-04:00Climbing Out of the PitCan I tell you a secret? I'm not okay and I'm running and hiding. Can I tell you another secret? Maybe it's okay to not be okay. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm not staying in this pit of lies that is telling me that I am such a failure, look at you falling and stumbling again you'll never get anywhere. Lies are such bullies aren't they? But I'm also not going to write this and act like everything is okay, I'm tired of pretending - that pit of pretending I'm perfect and I'm okay and using those wonderful little catch phrases while inside and by myself I'm crying asking God what is wrong with me...oh everything in me wants to delete that because someone will read it and say what kind of Christian am I for feeling like this or struggling or even have a bad day. I'll tell you - a forgiven and very much loved by God - He's my heavenly Father that loves me enough to say okay it's time to take my hand and get up again quit beating yourself up for fallen you asked for forgiveness I've forgiven you, now forgive yourself, He loves to spend time with me and hear about my day and my struggles and my steps forward, God loves me enough to say I know you may not like this and think it's not fair but this isn't good for you trust Me, He loves me enough to say wait and He loves me enough to say it's okay to not be okay here baby girl cry on my shoulder I promise I'll see you through this storm. <br />
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And as many a preacher will say that wasn't in my notes! <br />
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I recently got to see We Are Messengers in a concert that I just so happened to find out about (it was totally a God wink, as I heard someone call it and as my mom once said there is no such thing as coincidences, God has a reason for you meeting those people or in this case being at this show). In one part of the show Darren was talking how his wife says he stretches out his t-shirts because any time he talks about God holding on to him he will grab hold and pull on his shirt. I don't know about you but I felt like many times God has taken a hold of my shirt and grabbed me and kept me from falling off of a cliff into a not so good situation. You know what else is great, when I didn't listen and got myself in a mess God grabbed a hold of my shirt and helped lift me up out of that pit. A couple weeks ago I found myself in a mess and it's all cause I didn't listen to God and the people that God has placed in my life to be my family and to help me in this walk. This not listening got me in a place with any option I had didn't seem good and all I wanted was to get back home. I was talking to my mom (one if you are reading this hope you are okay with me writing that or any of this and also isn't it awesome that God gives us family and people that will love us and be there for us) but she said that whatever I did that her and pop would love me no matter what. Now if you don't know me I have a terrible time trusting people and even more so not being afraid that people aren't going to leave me but thankfully that's gotten so much better. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me because it let me know that she and pop will love me even when I make dumb mistakes or don't listen and it unintentionally helped me see that God is like that - He loves me even when I mess up. So don't get upset when God grabs you by the shirt because He may be keeping you from falling off of a cliff and always know He'll grab you and get you out of any pit you may be in (and though it may not feel like it He's right there with you). <br />
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Have you ever felt like you needed to tell someone something, or give them a hug, or just do something with them (if anyone ever would like to get the notion that they would like to take me fishing so I can finally say I got to go fishing, that would be great!)? This happens to me a lot but to be perfectly honest I let my fears and doubts usually win and don't do what I should. I lose out on letting someone know how I feel and also they may need that seemingly simple pointless couple of sentences or that hug because we don't know what people are struggling with. In every We Are Messenger show he has a part where you hold the hand of the person(s) next to you and he says the person that you are holding hands with you don't know what they may be going through, how broken hearted they may be, the doubts fears and storms they are going through. Anyway, it just so happened that at the end of the show that Darren was going to be signing and meeting with anyone that wanted to meet with him. This is one of my favorite groups and I have wanted to meet him just to tell him how much God has used his music and what he says in his shows to help me and my walk with God. As it was I never got the chance any other time I have seen him. This night, though I felt I very much needed to stay and see if I could meet him. Not cause what I have to say is important or even matters but I had that nudge that I needed to (speaking from experience of not paying attention to that nudge, always, I repeat ALWAYS pay attention and listen to that nudge). Anyway, so I didn't know what I was going to say or even if he would hear me. I'm not even going to say what I told him cause I don't want it to come across as me bragging but I think I said what I was supposed to. I will tell you a couple things he said (not to brag, one of them is just funny especially if you know me and know the never ending jokes about me being quiet). So one thing was when I started talking he said wow you're softly spoken (I am convinced the bottle with volume was mislabeled when God created me and somehow it got switched with the tears so I got just a dollop of volume and a whole bottle of tears and crying very easily when I'm happy, sad, mad, etc.). He and everyone else that has ever said it is right I am quiet but though I am quiet I have a lot to say I'm just going to have to be a bit creative in how I say it and how I am heard. Though I am quiet I have a lot to say and I have a roar that will be heard one day. You know it's okay that I'm quiet but I think I'm going to make a big impact and I will always be known as that quiet girl but that's not all I will be known for. <br />
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Last thing and really the only reason I meant to write about and why I started to write this post. When I was talking to Darren obviously I'm trying to hurry cause he has a line of people still waiting to talk to him and such but I said what I did and was getting ready to leave and he said Can I give you another hug I don't know when (or if) I will see you again. And yes for the record I do not mind hugs, I am a hugger I just haven't gotten to where I can give hugs (it's funny cause it is true, I always say if I could figure out how to give hugs I know good and well I'd be a hugger). That got me thinking how true that is for us all and I probably won't ever get to meet him again or if I'm fortunate enough to who knows when that will be and I'm sure he won't remember me. Here's the thing though- may we never wait to tell someone something, may we never be afraid to give just one more hug, may we always listen to that nudge to say, listen or so something with someone. And give that extra hug. I have a couple of people that I'm sure they have caught on that when I ask for a hug I got a little bit much going on my mind but it's also because they give the best hugs ever and it's one of those hugs that reminds me I am loved. <br />
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So today can I remind you that you matter, that whatever storm you are facing please hang on because today may be the day you feel the tug on your t-shirt to pull you the rest of the way through the storm or at least to hold on to you so that you don't drown, you may not see it or believe it but you are strong enough to get through this, and if you need a hug I'm sending you a great big hug and love ya (because though I think showing it can mean more and there are plenty of ways to show it sometimes we just need to hear or see it in writing)<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-84575832895222445932018-06-12T11:19:00.000-04:002018-06-12T11:45:04.887-04:00I'm Afraid of the DarkSome of you all ust read the title and are laughing, some already typing out God didn't give you a spirit of fear before they even open it, and some of you are thinking what in the world is she rambling about now (nothing wrong with either of those). That's a good question, I don't know if I will answer it but if you give me a few minutes of your time I would like to confess something.<br />
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I'm afraid of the dark.<br />
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Yes, you read that correctly and no I don't really mean the night time. Sure I used to be afraid of the dark when I was a kid but the night time is also when I got to see the stars and imagine flying up in the skies to get a better view. No, this is a different dark I am going to confess facing. I have no label or title for it so I just call it dark because that's how it feels - dark, empty, alone. Want to know what I am more afraid of than the dark? I'm afraid I won't find the light again.<br />
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Now that we got that out of the way please allow me to take this somewhat of a side road on this thought. The dark, fear, lies, whatever of the many names it attacks you as has this way to make the ones facing it to maybe think I can't talk to so and so I will bother them,they are going through stuff themselves, etc. And for those of us that are seeing and know the darkness is attacking a loved one well sometimes there is this uncomfortable sense that may stop you from asking one more time are you okay, let's grab lunch, or to just sit. Seeing the tricks and lies is a huge step to getting through this,no I will not type get over it. Yes, sometimes people get so stuck you need to show a little tough love to snap them out of it and help them back up. But to be honest with you I don't like the phrase get over it or something that implies that. And no doubt I am guilty of saying that - my apologies to anyone I did that to. When I get over it, I don't it just gets buried because I didn't get that process of even dealing with why it bothered me and such but that just may be me and something else I need to work on. Here's what I want to do for me and I hope I can do for others. I want to get through it, I know it might not be easy and I may get beat up and I may fall a few times but I want to get through it so if there is a next time that I have to face a particular darkness I got some armor on and know that I can beat this and I will have some of my own tricks and maneuvers to fight back. And sure there may be a time you get over it but I'm getting through it, I'm going to fight back, I'm going to see the light.<br />
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I'm currently reading a book titled, What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts)<br />
by Nancy Guthrie..it was a book I kind of found by accident while looking through a section at the bookstore but I know so many that are grieving and I don't ever know what to say so it seemed worth buying. So far it has helped but I also realized these are not only good for someone grieving a loss of a loved one but really even in those moments that one may just be facing any kind of dark moment. I'm only in chapter 3 but if you will allow me the time I would like to point tout a few things that have stuck with me and can really be used with anyone facing a difficulty. One was thinking there was someone checking on them so they didn't and it becomes no one ends up being there for the person. Now you all know I am a firm believer you meet people for a reason and I believe God places people in your life and may we all have at least one person that we can go to or that will think I haven't heard from so and so I need to check on them. Please if you ever have that gut feeling listen to it, your simple message may make the person's day so much better. The other thing was we think the person we go to to talk needs to be left alone because they are going through stuff - on the other hand also don't get offended if they don't talk like they used to for a time. But they need time and space but not to the point of feeling deserted. This one has been a tricky one for me on both ends to be honest especially lately cause one of the people I have finally gotten comfortable to talk with is going through their own stuff and I keep not talking to them cause I feel like I will bother them (even more than I normally worry about that). And the last one I will mention is we worry we will say the wrong thing - so much so that we don't say anything. There is absolutely a time to just sit with the person but don't be afraid to say something no matter how simple or not helpful you think it may be because it really may come out wrong but it could also be just what the person needs to hear.<br />
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So the dark can be a pit but we won't be in the pit forever. This life can be tricky so may we not hesitate to help those that God puts in our life to help them out of the pit and sometimes that may even mean giving them a tough love kick (I'm fairly certain I have one I will be getting and rightfully so). See sometimes I will repeat the right words I know to say in trying to spark the light to brighten the room again and find my way out and every drop of the truth helps and I most definitely have to do my part but sometimes we need that trusted friend to pray with us, to kick us, to hold out a hand or lend an ear.<br />
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I'm afraid of the dark but I see the light.<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-78016532672019597462018-05-29T01:23:00.000-04:002018-05-29T11:39:39.940-04:00Letters to MeI can't sleep. I have way to much on my mind with way to many tabs open in my brain. So here I am writing. Rambling. It's probably a repeat rambling too. Not even sure why I am sharing this one but I got it all wrote out so I guess I might as well. I've been slacking on writing anyway so at least it will be something.<br />
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You know how people often say if I could go back I would change so and so decision that I made or something like that? I got thinking about that tonight, actually been thinking about that for a while. I don't ever under any circumstances want to go back even if it ever did become possible. Nope, don't you dare make me. I would however send a letter to younger me if possible just cause younger me likes to get letters/cards too and I might would pay attention to that. I would specifically like to have a letter sent to me at six years old and 17 years old. Each one would be slightly different.<br />
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For example the letter to six year old me would go something like this:<br />
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Dear April,<br />
I know you don't really understand what is going on right now and are trying to figure it out to make some kind of sense. It will never make perfect sense and that's going to be okay and you know what so are you. I need you to remember that God doesn't hate you and is in fact with you and is going to get you through some pretty rough nights and moments - it just may take you many years to fully understand this. Please remember that it is going to be okay and you are tough, you will make it through this.<br />
Sincerely,<br />
You wouldn't believe me if I told you<br />
<br />
Then at 17 years old my letter would go something like this:<br />
<br />
Dear April,<br />
Congratulations you have made it to your senior year of high school almost survived. That's awesome, I hope you are proud of yourself because you should be. I need to give you a little warning it's going to be a difficult year for you but please remember you are strong, so much stronger then you give yourself credit for. For many, many years, potentially for the rest of your life you are going to think of your senior year as the worst year of your life because you see for three months you will see your grandma fight her hardest fight against cancer and she gave it her all but from this side it looks like the cancer won and you are going to have to say see you later to your grandma - I won't lie it's going to be the hardest thing you will have to do. I'm going to warn you too that at this time you are going to have to fight really, really hard cause you will have some massive lies and fears coming your way and it will even look like they are going to win but you hold on okay, hold on with everything you got because although the lies are going to say just give up, you would be better off dead you have some awesome things to look forward to. Can I tell you a few things? By now you have fought really hard with feeling alone and that you aren't worthy and that you don't matter - keep fighting against those lies and fears. Because you aren't alone God is always there with you (it's true and one day you do start to fully grasp this) and on top of that God is going to send some amazing people in your life. Please always remember that you are an overcomer and you will overcome these battles that have and will try to destroy you, you are going to accomplish some goals that you never even dreamed of because you was to afraid to, you're going to fall and that's okay because you're going to get back up each time, you're going to cry a lot I will just let you know now you are a crier but that's okay, you may want to get used to people saying you are quiet and always be ready to spell your last name. Now by now you have got some really high walls built up it's going to be awhile longer but you will get to tear those walls down - it's a good thing, I promise. In a few months you're going to be really angry with God and think you aren't going to ever have anyone in your life to even get a hug from and feel really alone but I promise it gets better. You are going to meet someone that will take you under their wings and help you a lot, they will become more like family. And you are going to get to meet some cousins that will also help you tremendously. Now it's going to be an interesting roller coaster of a ride one that you will wish for it to permanently stop a few times. Keep fighting here okay. And you even get to talk to your brother, I know you won't believe it when it happens either. As I write this that's about all I know of that but it's a major step forward. Now, are you still wondering about the question you have been asking since you was six? I know you are and can I tell you the answer - yes...yes you will get to know what it is like to have a mother's love and influence and God will even send someone that you get to call mom and you are going to meet people that will adopt you into their family and come to mean so very much to you. See you got so very much ahead of you, more than I even realize as I write this to send to you. So it's going to be difficult but you are strong and you will hang in there and fight like hell to overcome it. Because you got a story to share one that though you don't think it matters it is going to - it always has and it always will. You may not see it now and it may take a long time but you're going to laugh like you ain't laughed and you're going to get a lot of hugs and even get to where you can give hugs. So you keep fighting because you are going to do some amazing things. Don't you ever give up okay?<br />
Sincerely,<br />
You still wouldn't believe me if I told you.<br />
<br />
I guess that's why we can't go back or send letters because we wouldn't believe what we told our younger selves at all, at least I wouldn't. But you know I am glad I can take a quick trip and look back at how far I have made it. I may still have a lot to work on but thank God I am not where I used to be. And I am so thankful for the people that are in my life that have and continue to be there for me and help me. I'm so glad I am realizing it's okay to let people in. I'm thankful for the scars and the wear and tear from carrying loads that we're never mine to carry because though it has been and some days continues to be a hard fight it is also a reminder that I am stronger then I think and I am a fighter. No I'm a warrior. And though the giant has thought he has defeated me for good several times I will not quit, I will not give up, I will have the victory.Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-65542514658053312612018-05-17T10:58:00.002-04:002018-05-17T11:21:05.774-04:00Finding My SongI had a couple paragraphs written out, thought I was finally getting what I needed to write out. I was wrong. I was writing, yes, even had it flowing and sounding pretty but I don't need this post to be pretty or the words to flow and say what I think whoever may read this would want to read. I just need to be honest. I just need to have my many grammatical errors and my hillbilly talk. I just need to find my song and that's what I'm going to try to do.<br />
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The previous paragraph has been sitting in draft form for a long time and to be honest I'm still not sure how or what to write but let's see what song I can come up with. I'm going to start by sharing some lyrics for a song that I recommend you look up and listen to, titled Scars by I Am They:<br />
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Darkest water and deepest pain<br />
I wouldn't trade it for anything<br />
Cause my brokenness brought me to You<br />
And these wounds are a story You'll use<br />
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So I'm thankful for the scars<br />
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart<br />
And I know they'll always tell of who You are<br />
So forever I am thankful for the scars<br />
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Now I'm standing in confidence<br />
With the strength of Your faithfulness<br />
And I'm not who I was before<br />
No, I don't have to fear anymore...<br />
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Physical scars are easier to get over, they heal and all you have is the scar to remind you of whatever happened to cause the scar (generally, physically scars can hurt too). Emotional scars, those can be very painful scars that can take a very long time to heal from - but you can heal from them - will it be easy each time, possibly not but there is healing. May I be a small voice of reasoning in case those emotional scars have caused the lies of you will not be this, you don't deserve happiness, this is your fault, etc of lies that are swirling in your mind. Every single one of those are lies, you are worthy, you deserve happiness and you will be happy, and a lot of times we are carrying loads that were never, ever ours to carry. If you are carrying one of those loads may I encourage you to lay it down, you've carried it long enough. If you can't lay it down right away please find someone to help you lay it down or at the very least help you carry it until you can lay it down. See that voice doesn't want you to hear your true song.<br />
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Last night as I was driving home I was listening to a song, I didn't know all of the lyrics to it but the ones I knew I would sing out (not really sing - be glad to never hear me sing, it's more of a noise!). It got me thinking. See I've been struggling with some fears that stem from some emotional scars and baggage that I have carried. I'll tell you three of them: scared beyond measure that things were going to happen and some people would leave and not be in my life anymore, that there was no way people could see me as their family or even why would they want me to be a part of their lives, and that I didn't deserve that and those people. LIE, LIE and another big old LIE. As I was listening to this song last night and I only knew parts of the lyrics I thought it's kind of like our own songs if you will. So often life gives us songs that were never meant to be on our playlists and we believe they have to stay and we even start to believe the lyrics that spew out nothing but lies of who we are. There are some parts of the emotional scars that are easy to beat and some they have cut so deep that it can be a little more tricky but you just keep playing the song of who you really are. All of our songs are different but put together they make one awesome playlist. See my song had been playing those lies I had mentioned plus a few more and it was so loud that's all I could hear, it was like when you play a CD and it skips, mine was skipping right over the lines of the truth. But something happened and I remembered this isn't all of the song so I cleaned up the CD if you will and tried playing it again. In real life wanna know what I did? I just so happened to be reading over some old messages that someone sent me and I realized one just how much they have put with me but also how much that they have encouraged me and help me carry the load and have helped me to sit it down and I also realized they really do see me as a part of their family and they don't mind that I see them as my family and to steal a line God knits people in your life cause He's a fantastic author and knows who you need (took me a long time to get that and more so to get that I am deserving to have those kinds of people in my life and to accept the love they have to give).<br />
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Hopefully in conclusion I just want to say that when your song is playing and it tries to play the old version and tell the lies and fears and whatnot may you and I both remember that those things that caused the scars are just a line in the song it's not the whole song. No matter how many times you have to replay it and no matter how loud you have to play it - sing those lines and verses of the truth of who you really are and you sing them loud because you deserve to be heard. You have a beautiful song and don't let anyone try to tell you that it doesn't deserve to be heard or played. And on those moments when you can't quite hear the lyrics of the truth or you just don't think you'll make I encourage you to go to someone you trust and let them help you (and if you are like me trust and know that God is there and will work it out - even though it isn't always easy to remember that, it is true) Because fear is a liar and you my friend are an overcomer and you know what I am too. I think we need to turn up our song and let some people hear it, what do you say? <br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-48241155090933659092018-02-26T14:23:00.002-05:002018-02-26T14:23:22.252-05:00Deep WatersIn my car I have certain radio stations preset so I can get to them quickly - some days I just can't find a song and so I either hit the skip button, try my luck with a CD, or just give up and turn the radio off. That one is a last ditch effort cause I like to listen to music. It's nice to have a soundtrack to go with the random thoughts.<br />
The other day I noticed that one of the stations I had preset wasn't the same station anymore, it was completely different so I had to do some resetting and I'm still not quite used to the change.<br />
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One more pointless thing to know about me and I will get to my point but while I'm working I will listen to Pandora (I have to work from home so my only interaction with talking to people is via email and occasionally sending a text to a friend...or two.) It seems that I hear the same songs every day, no real change and some days you hear the same song multiple times in the same day.<br />
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Where am I going with this? I am so glad you asked. I have no idea! No, I have a general idea but I have been struggling with being able to write anything at all so I'm trying to just ignore the not so nice thoughts and just write. Which is actually a good lead into what I am hoping to say, or what I think I am trying to say. Recently at my church they had a thing called Brunch with the Broken and there was three people that gave their testimonies and it was a way to help people know that they aren't alone and no matter how broken you're never to broken. And someone said sometimes we all need to know that we're not alone in whatever we're facing. I very much 100% agree with that, it's something that I am quite passionate about actually I just haven't figured out what to do with that to further help others. And I thought how often do we really stand by that though - I don't think I do a good job at it some days. I may be wrong but I think we would be surprised at just what the person we sit next to in the pew, on the bus, or a very dear friend may be going through and we have no idea. I also think we would be surprised at how much it would truly mean to really ask how someone is doing, send them a funny meme, send a hey how are you text or send a letter saying how much that person means to you maybe even ask hey do you want to go grab a cup of coffee or something. But getting a bit ahead of myself. We all have bad days, we all have fears and doubts that we thought we had conquered that try to come back for another round of fighting, we all are stories. We all have been broken but we're not garbage. I have those radio stations set on my preset on my radio in my car. I had got used to which station went with which button until recently I had to change it. Sometimes life is like that be it things against our control or sometimes we finally have a moment of this is not where I'm supposed to be I need to move forward so we have to do some changing of the preset buttons. Sometimes we have to change some of those negative thoughts we have been told by ourselves or others about ourselves that isn't true, some of them are fears and doubts, even not being able to trust others or let others in. Changing them is sometimes easy but remembering them isn't always easy. It was easy for me to change that one button to be a preset for another radio station - remembering that it's now 98.1 instead of 101.5 has proven to be a bit more trickier and difficult to get to used. And just like some days Pandora plays the same songs and I get tired of hearing them. And some days I just can't find a song I want to listen to.<br />
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What I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to change the preset, you're not a failure because you messed up. You're not forever broken because you had a moment of an old lie, fear or doubt paralyzing you and causing you to hide or to be afraid that someone in your life is going to leave. You just forgot that the preset was changed and the same old song played before you could remember that this preset button is how important you are, that it reminds you that you have overcome, that you are moving forward. Some days are just plain difficult, not every day will be perfect but don't let that make you stop or try to reset the preset to those old lies because the station that you are playing now, that's the song you have always supposed to have been playing. I mentioned about the same songs being played and some days it just gets really old there are some days that I could listen to the same song on repeat for several times. I am learning I have to be careful which song I listen to - I'm not talking about a real song on Pandora - but my songs, those that help me remember who I am, that I am an overcomer, that I am moving forward and just that joyful song that is some days still afraid to play or be heard but little by little note by note it is being played and one day it will be played in full and at a very loud volume so many others will hear it and that will be amazing. I'm calling it now there will be laughter, tears and both at the same time. Some days those old nagging songs like to try to play again. Those lies of you can't let anyone in they'll just leave, you're a bother, you don't matter, you're to quiet to ever make a difference, you'll never write that book, etc. Some days I won't lie I leave it on that station for to long be it because that is what I have known for so long or sometimes I think I am afraid to change the station, what if it's even worse than this one. Don't be afraid to change the station. Don't ever be afraid to sing another song because to many of us for way to long have been singing and listening to the wrong song. When we find our song though - it's a beautiful and amazing thing.<br />
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One last thought if you don't mind. It has rained a lot in Kentucky. To the point of I bet if anyone is named Noah and they live here someone has at least once asked them if they got the Ark built yet because we gonna need. This past Saturday shockingly it was raining and I am on my way to somewhere and decide I think if I can hurry I will have enough time to stop at McDonald's and not be late to where I was heading. I pull in and I know I am parking in a puddle - at this point it's a miracle to not find or see a puddle. I step out of my vehicle and I say whoa that's cold and I look down and realize the puddle is a bit deeper than I thought it was. This isn't where I have a well that's just great my day is ruined moment, quite the opposite actually because I love splashing puddles so that was my excuse to go ahead and not worry how much I stomped and splashed while walking through the puddle. Go in get my food and am back to my car when I am standing in the puddle right next to the door and look down and realize the puddle is deeper, as in probably three quarters of my shoe is under water while I am standing there. In those few seconds the thought of deep waters came to mind quickly followed by yup that is still cold. As I am driving I am still thinking about deep waters and how sometimes we will be going through something and it doesn't seem that bad until we take one step and realize oh no this is deeper water than I thought or even realized. Sometimes we aren't prepared for those deep waters and some times we think we won't survive them. But you can and you will I'm not going to say it will be easy or fun. You may be left with some really wet and smelly socks and shoes! But you got this and please just in case anyone reading this is like me, please don't be afraid to reach out to someone be it a hotline specifically for what you are going through, an online friend or someone you see and know in your personal life. And if you are one of those people that someone reaches out to please don't brush their feelings aside sometimes I think we all get in to big of a hurry and don't want to take an extra minute to show that person that we meant it when we said we would help them whether that is listening or helping them find other needed resources or just going and doing something together to get away from the screen that we hold in our hand. Sometimes it may call for some hard truth and some tough love also and that's okay because whether we see it at the time or not it's still showing that the person is there for us and that they do love us. I know people have lives and we can't always depend on others but don't be afraid to be there for others and don't be afraid to let others help you. I always say we never meet anyone by accident and I believe God places people in our lives and sometimes those people are used to remind us that God is always there - always and sometimes God uses those people to remind us that it's okay to let people in and it's to let God in too. <br />
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I almost forgot and I think this will be a good thing to use to end this. I said when I stepped in the puddle I thought about deep waters but brushed it off as i silly thought until later when I just so happened to see a verse.<br />
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<span class="text Isa-43-2" id="en-NLT-18484">When you go through deep waters, </span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-43-2">I will be with you.</span></span><span class="text Isa-43-2"> </span><br />
<span class="text Isa-43-2">When you go through rivers of difficulty,</span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-43-2">you will not drown.</span></span><br /><span class="text Isa-43-2">When you walk through the fire of oppression, </span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-43-2">you will not be burned up;</span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-43-2">the flames will not consume you.</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-43-2">Isaiah 43:2 </span></span>Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-37162980672698582332018-01-29T12:45:00.001-05:002018-01-29T12:45:09.074-05:00Don't Look BackStepping stones. Seeds. Looking back. Moving forward.<br />
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I know that makes absolutely no sense and it probably won't if you keep reading but let me try to make it make a little more sense.<br />
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I guess let's start with the looking back first. I'm not sure how long back it has been but the other day (more like months if not years), I was at the drag strip in a bordering county. Now I obviously don't even remember when it was but there is one thing that has stuck with me and comes back every so often about that particular day at the races. There was this driver and when he and his competitor took off down the strip this driver kept looking back - in fact he looked back more than he did forward. He had his torso and head turned back to see where the other driver was and again stayed like this well over three quarters of the way down the track. Can I be honest, it irritated me. He spent so much time looking back to see where his opponent was that he wasn't focused on where he was going and you know he wasn't giving it his all, meaning to or not, noticing it or not he couldn't have been giving it the gas and acceleration he needed to win or to make the progress that he had the potential to make.<br />
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Not done with that thought just yet but moving on to the seeds. I recently went into a craft store by myself (never in the history of ever should I ever be allowed in a craft store or bookstore by myself). I went specifically looking for one thing but I didn't know where this one thing was and instead of doing the smart thing and finding someone to ask, I just walked up and down some aisles (y'all I ain't even playing at just how shy and not good at talking with people I am). I'm not sure why I told you that because the thought I am about to write about actually just came to me today and has nothing to do with that - but if you didn't know before now you know I can't be a responsible adult in the craft or bookstore.<br />
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You know that game where you have an item and will put your hands behind your back switching the item from hand to hand and then you reveal your hands and ask the person which hand it is in. I think sometimes in life we have seeds. One hand has seeds of lies, fears and doubts that we are going to have to deal with in life and the other hand has the seeds of who we really are, our worth and potential and our dreams. We may plant the seeds from both hands in different pots or perhaps we planted the seeds from one hand - not knowing which seeds they were and decided to hold on to the seeds that were in the other hand. We're going to use this scenario although sometimes I think we plant the seeds in both hands and spend to much time cultivating the seeds of the fears and lies and doubts not realizing it is all those things until those are flourishing and we have for to long neglected the seeds of our worth and such. But let's just say we planted the seeds from one hand and decided to hold on to the other ones. These seeds thrived and grew quickly only over the years of certain circumstances we discover these are the seeds of fears, lies and doubts. I think sometimes we even forget we have the seeds in the other hand, maybe some seeds get knocked out and sometimes we just have a death grip on those seeds and won't open our hands to see if they are still there or to plant them if they are there. What if they are bad seeds? What if they are good seeds? Which is scarier? Can I be honest, I think sometimes it can be scary to see our true worth and what we can do. In part I suppose cause those fears feed the it won't last, that's not who you really are, people will never see you like that (in reality many around us see our worth far greater and sooner than we sometimes can). I think the fears and such can make us think those seeds will never survive or thrive that it may even take a lot of work - and it really will especially if those fears, lies and doubts have grown some serious roots they will try to destroy and make you forget to take care of those seeds of your worth and the truth of who you really are.<br />
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Again, not exactly done but let's move on to stepping stones. We all have different bridges to cross and those bridges are made out of different materials and are at varying heights depending on whatever the situation may be. I, for whatever reason, keep picturing a body of water like a creek with stepping stones going across it and that is the only way to get to the other side. It doesn't always necessarily look dangerous or doom and gloom, sometimes it's just a picture in my head of a calm creek with stepping stones to get you across to the other side. I'm not sure which is worse for it to look safe or for it to look dangerous. If it looks safe one would think that would make it easier to cross but again to be honest for me sometimes that makes it more difficult and that's because I stand on the side so long and I think of and up scenarios that aren't even really plausible but it's enough to make me hesitate on even taking the first step. I have recurring dreams of bridges collapsing while I am on them, all of them made out of different materials and all at varying heights. But I think what is more scarier is to just stand on one side and never, ever even take the first step. Perhaps you can see on the other side all of what you have ever dreamed of (now this isn't the grass is greener on the other side scenario - it's a you need to move forward because you have been in the midst of the fears, lies and doubts for to long. And you are on the side that you was never meant to be on and definitely not for this long, you have got so much you were meant to do than stand on this side that you are on.)<br />
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Moving forward. I recently saw a post that dealt with a similar situation that happened to me growing up and I realized just how far I have made it. Am I where I need to be? No because I also had to fight some fears and lies just this past weekend. But I am moving forward - at a snails pace some days but I am moving. I saw a quote recently that stated something along the lines of you can't stay in survival mode and thrive, you were meant for more, new habits new life. And even with those fears that hit me (and man did they hit me hard and out of no where) I realized how much and often I go into my own version of survival mode - those old habits that I would do to try to protect myself. That's not good. So I try to remember some advice and things I have learned over the past couple or so years to help me better deal when these situations show up - as they will. It's never going to be an easy ride - never will I ever write or say anything to promise or tell you that. Just ain't how this life is - but having the right people and having safer and better habits or coping mechanisms helps when those not easy days hits.<br />
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Here's where I sum up what I just said in a couple of sentences and where you should by now know just to skip here (but why would you want to miss out on the ramblings? haha!). We can't spend more time looking back at who is behind us or how close they are or even trying to figure out just how far we have made it. It only slows us down and prevents us seeing the amazing view ahead - I don't know about you but there's a lot behind me that I don't want to see (it's not all bad and I like to glance back at the good times every so often - nothing wrong with that - just that I don't recommend spending the majority of your race or life looking back). Don't be afraid to plant, cultivate or take care of those seeds that show your worth, will help your dreams come true or even let you be able to help others - and don't be afraid to let other people in to help you. If you're like me that is one of the scariest things ever but it's okay to let people in. It's a little less lonely, lot more vulnerable but it's better - so much better. And can I just say this you know how there is this thing about talking to your plants and stuff - this is so random -- but if you find yourself in the position the help someone else out or maybe your are the one needing it - never underestimate what one or two simple words can do. I'm not a big talker and I sure can't talk loud. Now I am only writing this from the receiving end point of view but I think we put to much emphasis on how many words are said --oh I'm not a big talker I can't say more than 3 words I won't say anything at all. I've been around people that have talked for hours on end and left feeling more down and depressed and lonely than ever. I have been around someone that has said I was just thinking of you how are you...or just wanted to let you know I am here for you...or thank you for being in my life, etc. If you want to say more by all means do but if you only say it in a few that's great too. Look I went to rambling again....<br />
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Don't spend more time looking back then you do looking forward. Don't be afraid to plant those seeds and let the real you bloom because you are worth it, you have got some amazing dreams to fulfill and don't be afraid to take that first step because it's time to move forward and fly baby fly.<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-67001641783837108602018-01-11T00:28:00.001-05:002018-01-11T00:28:58.573-05:00Keep On FlyingAwhile back I saw a picture of these two eagles flying. Except one of the eagles had snuck underneath the other eagle and grabbed hold of the fish that eagle had caught. To make this a little easier let's name these eagles. Ralph will be the one trying to steal the fish and Sam is the one that caught the fish fair and square. Now both had a death grip on this fish. Ralph is upside down hanging on trying to wrestle this fish away from Sam. Who would win? Will Ralph pull and tug and just wear Sam down to where he finally loses grip of the fish? Or will Sam, perhaps, in the last moment just when all hope seems gone he will keep his grip on the fish and finally shake Ralph away?<br />
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I have no idea who won the battle between Ralph and Sam but it did prove to be an unusual visual for me. See I imagine Sam flying and perhaps waiting a long time and working hard to get that fish. As he is flying along he is thinking how good it will be to have a belly full of this scrumptious fish. When suddenly he feels a jerk from underneath. What is this? Oh no, it's Ralph,that sneaky eagle from across the way that always tries to steal Sam's food because Ralph isn't a good hunter or maybe he just wants to destroy and rob Sam.<br />
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Sometimes things happen in life that try to be like Ralph and try to come and steal our peace, joy, our hope or something else. Perhaps we have been like Sam and have waited a long time for a promise to be fulfilled, or we're finally moving forward from some obstacles that have hindered us for a long time. Maybe we have been fighting this for so long and we are so hungry and so excited and thankful for catching that fish if you will and so we are flying back to enjoy this moment and gain some strength back. When suddenly we feel that jerk come from underneath us, the rug has been pulled right out from underneath us and we feel like we are going to fall and lose our fish and any progress we may have made. These moments can be attacks personally against us or sometimes it can be watching or knowing someone you care about is going through something and you don't know what to do to help and you just feel so helpless. Either way, the enemy has snuck in and got a grasp on that hope, joy, love or faith that you picked up and he wants to take it back away from you. In those moments when I have to fight yet again for some of these things I will be honest sometimes I just want to let the "fish" go. I just am tired of fighting. I feel like is there even a point, will there be enough of the "fish" left to eat and gain any strength and get any nutrients from. But then I remember how hard and long I waited to get this hope, joy, peace, etc and I am not going to let go of it that easy. And you know what sometimes I need help making sure I don't lose this fish to my enemy.<br />
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Bit of a vulnerable moment but I recently was flying along when suddenly I got hit pretty hard with depression. I tried to hide it, tried to even fight it on my own but I was fighting a losing battle and quickly losing my grip on what hope and strength I had. I am fortunate enough to have a couple of people that won't let me hide and they help me in so very many ways. This time was no different. They each in their own way reminded me and helped me to be able to grab a hold just a little tighter to the truth. Now I am flying a little better and have managed to get a much better grip on my faith. I have been reminded once again that I don't have to fight these battles by myself. See I believe God places people in our lives for a reason and if you're really fortunate you get those people that will stick with you and love you when you aren't very lovable and they remind you of who you are and help you find those things that you can lose when you try to fight a battle for to long on your own. I thank God for those people that will help you fight those battles or just every now and then remind you they are there and care for you. I am thankful that even on the worst days God still lives me and doesn't get frustrated and forsakes me but instead proves just how much He cares - do I always easily see it - no - but I know it to be true and I will stand on that until the day I die.<br />
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One last thought. The weather can be so messed up. For example today it was in the 60's and by this weekend we could have a winter storm with snow, ice and cold temperatures. As I was walking to my vehicle this evening I thought wow this is nice makes me ready for spring and then I thought this almost feels like the calm before the storm. Did I stop thinking there? I think not! Is it just me or does it sometimes feel like just when you are about to let go of that fish you generally seem to get a break. That moment that reminds you why you can't give up, let's you catch your breath and get a little rest, or maybe it just reminds you that yeah it really sucks right now but hang on because it will not last forever. Today felt like that. I don't do well in the winter, it's just not an easy season for me. And just like how the rough days don't last forever, not saying they don't last longer than I would like sometimes, the warm weather today reminded me to just breathe and remember that even though a storm may be coming or perhaps you are in it now, the warm and better days will return. <br />
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If you are going through something and you are losing your grip you most sincerely have my prayers and if you need to talk I will be happy to listen and at least let you know you aren't alone in this. So send an email, leave a comment, or if you read this and know me personally send a text or call anytime. I may not have the answers or know what to say but I never want anyone to feel they have to go it alone and I will sit with you until the storm passes. Keep on flying, the view will be worth it.<br />
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Lastly, I would just like to add a couple of verses.<br />
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Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.<br />
Matthew 11:28<br />
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But those who wait on the Lord<br />
Shall renew their strength;<br />
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,<br />
They shall run and not be weary,<br />
They shall walk and not faint.<br />
Isaiah 40:31<br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-49761215983505520842017-12-20T10:48:00.002-05:002017-12-20T10:48:47.787-05:00A Piece of Clay<br />I don't really know where to start so let's just jump and hope I remembered to put my cape on...on second thought let's just sit here awhile, yeah that seems like a better idea. *(read in your best movie narrator voice) - Weeks, days and hours later and we find the wannabe writer still standing and pacing in the same place we last left her. If we listen closely we may be able to understand some of what she is saying.*<br />
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I wonder how long I have been up here, I'm going to have to take off and fly one of these days I can't just stand up here forever. The view is getting kind of boring and I'm terrified of heights so my area of pacing gets shrunk dramatically....<br />
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I typed that in hopes that if I at least started typing it would break down that wall of fear and pride that has been hindering me from writing this post for honest to goodness weeks. I need 2017 to get its act together though, I mean it didn't have to wait for the last month to throw stuff at me to have me feeling a bit blah and overwhelmed - not cool, my friend, not cool at all. But I was recently told to discard the bad thoughts and focus on the good so I think I should listen. And by discard I am going to share what some of those thoughts have been teaching me and really try to make that epic nail biter shot with one second to spare as I make the winning shot throwing these lies and fears away for good.<br />
I like to think this year found me put-putting right along making some decent progress (more on that at some point) until now that is. Now I feel stuck. I sometimes have these weird pains in my arms and legs and I describe it as it feels like little people are at each end of a limb and they are playing tug-o-war with my muscle now imagine this happening on both arms and both legs at the same time. I have no clue what causes it and I ain't about to Google it! One of these days I'll mention it again to my doctor but I mention that solely because whatever this little trial/test or season I am in now some days it feels like that pain in my limbs and like I am being stretched but I'm not growing it just feels painful and gets old (like how I feel way to often these days). You know I said I feel stuck and even unsure. Have you ever walked aross a swinging bridge or something that is shakey as you are walking across it and when you get across your legs are still shaking (if you are like me it could mostly be from nerves but there is a little bit to from your body is trying to adjust to not have to move to keep balance and such - that's my story anyway.) I recently read a story from Humans of New York and this woman's husband died suddenly and she was left alone and she was struggling so she researched what the best dog to get for grief and depression and poodle kept coming up so she went to adopt a poodle. On the day she went to adopt a dog there wasn't any poodles but there was an old dog in the back that no one was paying attention to. This dog was scared, fragile, skin and bones and the woman saw the dog that was in the back and seemingly forgotten and she adopted the dog and named her Grace. Now Grace has gained her weight back and the woman said she and Grace are getting better together. If you actually know me you know how much I love dogs (almost all animals) and how much I want a dog so I loved this story for many different reasons. You also know I can't read anything without getting some random things from it. Here are those things: In life sometimes when things are thrown at us we may try to do research and figure out what the best route is and think we have the best plan to get us unstuck or to help us fly but sometimes those plans don't work out and sometimes, possibly every time, it is the best thing ever that it doesn't work out. This woman thought a poodle would be best to help her heal but turns the friend she needed was a timid, fragile, forgotten dog hiding in the back. Now the other thing I thought of was how many people were there that day looking to rescue a dog and overlooked Grace thinking she would be to much work, she would never gain weight and would take so much time to get her where she wouldn't be afraid. How many people do we pass are like Grace? We overlook them, forget them, think they'll never change. I can relate to Grace because I was/am timid, backwards, even have often felt forgotten just hiding in the back and no one ever noticing me. Now can I point out what the woman said - she said they are getting better together. She helped nurture, feed and take time to be with Grace and in turn Grace learned she could trust this woman, this woman cared for her and now they are both helping heal wounds and scars they each had. I spent a lot of time being timid and hidden and forgotten in the back but over the years I've met people that each in their own way has helped me take baby steps out of the corner, not be so timid, etc. In my weird, terrible way of trying to make a point we all have something we need help healing from (spiritual, physical, emotional, etc) and if we don't know anyone currently give it time cause when you think you going to get a poodle you're going to find a Grace and find out you all were meant to meet all along. I believe it is 1 Thessalonians 5:11 that states, therefore encourage one another and build each other up. Some of us just take some extra time and effort and for those that God places in our lives to help us well I for one am quite thankful and grateful for each of you, especially because I know I don't always make it easy. Sometimes I want to run back to the corner cause it feels like it will be safer there, sometimes the fears try to come that people are going to leave or some other scenario but I'll remember something someone said or something they did and it helps me see that the ones that have been there to help get me out of the corner are in my corner if you will. Sometimes I do need that reminder or reassurance or encouragement. Y'all know I am big on the encouraging and lifting others up and you never meet anyone by accident and for no reason. So don't over look those of us that are or have been in the corner we have important roles to play too and can help make a difference. Sometimes, like we all do from time to time, we just need help finding and seeing that potential. <br />
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I'm not good at a lot but let me tell you I am great at panicking and getting overwhelmed! I say that half joking but it's all true. I have very vivid dreams and I recently had one that in part I was having one of those frustrated, overwhelmed moments. I knew I needed and was supposed to get to this particular place and no one seemed to know what I was talking about and things kept getting in my way preventing me from getting anywhere and I got frustrated. So dream me did like I do in real life and I had a moment of pacing and having my hands on my head thinking okay what am I missing, there is a way for me to get to this place, think April, breathe and think. Then in the dream I did figure out that there was a way to get to where I needed except there was two options - now if you know me personally you know my decision skills are like that of a squirrel in the middle of the road with a car coming and it's trying to figure out which way do I go, which way do I go. I don't know about the squirrel but I am always afraid I am going to pick the wrong choice and I remember in this dream it felt like this was a test, a riddle and it was very important I picked the right one (cause I really needed to get to this place). I actually didn't mean to go into all of that, I was just going to write a sentence or two to lead into potters and clay. Because I feel like a piece of clay, like a damaged, marred piece. There's a couple verses in Jeremiah chapter 18 (verses 3-4) that state: Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. The Potter and the Clay is one of my favorite go to parts of the bible. In one commentary I read on those verses it stated that the potter's vessel was marred and unsuitable for its intended purpose but the potter remolded it into an acceptable and unblemished piece of work. I sometimes have this fear that I am to marred and what can I do, I can't be made into a vessel that can be used to even be worth sitting on a mantle somewhere little alone serving a purpose. And sometimes I wonder do I have to many blemishes will the Potter (God) get tired of trying to mold me and just toss me away (He won't, I don't think it has ever even once crossed His mind to do so but fear and lies have had me think that but the truth is God will never leave nor forsake me). So this chapter and particularly those verses I previously wrote give me hope. It might not exactly be fun getting those blemishes taken out and having to get remolded but God sees the vessel I can and am supposed to be and when a blemish comes up He doesn't have a that's it I'm done moment but He remolds me and doesn't give up on me, like I sometimes so easily give up on myself and shall I be honest here, how I sometimes can easily give up on God. I have even had moments of asking God why - not why certain things are happening or have happened - instead why He is willing to take this blemished piece of clay and pick it back up when I have ran and tried to hide or tried to push God away, He is still there and picks me up and takes away those fears and lies that got stuck in this piece of clay and He puts me back on the wheel and starts remolding me. He's willing cause He loves me (and you). I'm still not sure what my intended purpose is and I think I am in a part where God is taking some blemishes out and putting me back on the wheel to remold me. I think if nothing else I am being taught trust - trusting in God and in others. But I do also think I have some kind of intended purpose of being here, what - well that's a fantastic question and one day hopefully I figure that out. I guess that's where I can also use the advice that mom and pop gave me which I have just combined and made it to be just relax, don't worry be happy (also a good example of why I say you always meet people for a reason and sometimes God places people in your life and they become more like family, in this case more like a mom and dad to me). I might be at the crossroad trying to figure out which one of those paths to take is the right one, I'm that piece of clay that got a few blemishes and is being remolded, I may catch myself pacing with my hands on my head trying not to freak out any worse than I currently am but I am not a useless forgotten piece of clay, nope far from it. <br />
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As much trouble as I have had writing this I am just going to end this with my usual year in review. I hope and like to think I have learned and grown and moved forward this year. This year I was very fortunate to get to mark off a lot of things off of my bucket list. I got to go to the Grand Canyon and see and ride on part of Route 66! I got to mark off 8 states that I hadn't been to before list and got to go to California and see some of Yosemite Park and so many amazingly awesome places all along that trip that I am forever grateful for the opportunity and will be a trip that I will always remember. I got to see the Blue Angels and go to an air show for the first time and that was awesome and well worth the sun burn I got and extra bonus I got to visit with a cousin that weekend that I hadn't seen in way to many years, that actually was my favorite part of the weekend. I got to hold a tiger cub which was so very cool. I got to meet and talk to Terri Clark and Suzy Bogguss which was really neat. I got to talk to my brother more than I ever have and it has been nice getting to know him - we've never met and the first time I ever talked to him was via email maybe six or seven years ago and that was only a couple of messages and we lost contact again until this year. I got to spend time with people who mean so very much to me. I faced some fears and ran and hid from others. I learned a lot about myself - some not so good stuff but some was good. I'm thankful that I have seen another year, that may I say went by really fast. I'm grateful for the opportunities and dreams that came true this year and I'm so very thankful for the people that was with me on all of the different journey's I had this year and those that stuck with me and encouraged me, helped me, picked me up when I fell or just sit with me on the bad days. Here's to keeping moving forward and flying the rest of the year right on into 2018 and throughout next year.Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-76856417728893079662017-11-09T12:48:00.003-05:002017-11-09T12:48:40.869-05:00Fear is knocking on the doorKnock - Knock<br />
(shhh...don't say who's there. I just took a peak out the window and it's our old friend fear again.)<br />
Knock-Knock<br />
(maybe if I answer and tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore he will go away...no don't open the door he gets a foot in the door he will come back in and stay for way to long.)<br />
Knock-Knock - from the other side I hear - "You'll never get rid of me, you're nothing without me, what will people think if they knew who you really were..."<br />
(Shut up, just shut up, I whisper as I sit with my back against the door wondering will I ever get rid of fear, trying to remember the truths that I know)<br />
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Sometimes that how it feels like when I have one of visits from fear. I don't like when fear comes for a visit. I try not to answer the door anymore but sometimes it finds its way back inside. It has recently. I finally got to buy NF's latest record, Perception and I'd like to use some lines from his Intro 3 to write some thoughts that I have had. First and foremost fear is a liar - one of those you wish that saying liar, liar pants on fire could happen to. It took me way to long to get that and I've spent the last year working and trying very hard to fight and defeat that lie and I have but it likes to come back and try to visit sometimes. So if you're not familiar with NF on his last record he had a song called Mansion and on it he talked about building a room to keep everyone out cause it was safer that way and how fear moved in and there is a line that states: Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can<br />'cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors. Is that me or the fear talking? I don't know anymore...I learned in the past year that it's fear talking and telling you don't open the door it's locked and it's safer on this side of the door, if people find out what has been in this room they'll never accept you, don't open that door there's a monster on the other side of that door you can't face it. I got help opening that door and I realized it was fear talking, there wasn't anything bad or scary on the other side of that door, in fact there was some people that was willing to help me and they even accepted me. Now fast forward to last night listening to Perception CD for the first time and usually I will skip a song after about thirty seconds to a minute and then go back and listen to all of the songs (habit I do when I get a new CD, not sure why) but that didn't happen when Intro 3 started playing. So in the song it's basically a conversation between fear and NF and fear is just doing what fear does best beating you down and keeping you down and in that room that it has made you believe is safe. There is a part where fear is talking and it says I know I'm controlling but you are just going to have to get used to it cause I got a room and I'm comfortable I'm not going anywhere and you can't get rid of me, not completely, not ever. And for me that is one thing that has been the hardest to get rid of is that part of the fear that says you never will completely be rid of me, you're nothing without me, you will never be completely rid of me. So fear is just pounding him - you know what fear reminds me of - Goliath, ever read the story of David and Goliath in the Bible (if not you should, I keep finding stuff I never noticed before each time I read it also would recommend reading the story of Joseph, I keep getting taught stuff from his story too). So yeah, fear is this thing that likes to run its mouth to try to keep you scared and from seeing who you really are and your potential, tries to keep in your tent in the campground like what was happening in the story of David and Goliath. Now in the song they've taken this fight outside still going back and forth and a hole is being dug and fear says <span>Wait a minute, you don't really think for a second that you're puttin' me in this? And NF responds back with</span><span> No, of course not, just a lil' deeper then we'll go inside and we can stop diggin'</span> So Fear gives a sigh of relief and says<span> You had me scared for a second, I though we were diggin' my grave....Now we're getting ready to talk about my two favorite parts of this song and this subject - if you have had enough patience to read this far it's about to pay off - I hope - it did for me anyway when I realized some things.</span><br />
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Okay so fear has got a little bit nervous, right, we're fighting back we're starting to see that he is a controlling, pushing, lying nuisance. So we've been digging and figuring out ways to defeat him. So in the song fear has just said he's scared cause he thought NF was digging fears grave and NF says: <span>We did, what, you don't like bein' afraid?</span><span> It's a dose of your own medicine</span><span>. What, you don't like how it tastes? And he goes on to say putting the shovel away going back in his house and fear will be back in a week saying he wants his room back and he will just look out the window and laugh. Now for the line that started this whole thing to begin with...</span><br />
<span></span><br /><span><span>'Cause I thought you had me in prison this whole time, but I'm the one holdin' the keys.</span></span><br />
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<span><span>One line can hold so very much truth. See here's what I am figuring out, myself and so many others we're in this prison that fear has us believing we can't get out of or we shouldn't get out of because it's safer in here and he's distracting us from seeing that we have the keys to get out, he's distracting us from seeing the real state of the room we are in. I don't know about yours but mine was a mess and it was lonely. If you ever watched The Andy Griffith Show you know when Otis had a bit to much to drink or as I think he said just needed to get away from his wife he'd show up at the sheriff's office and what would he do - get the keys that was hanging in between the two cells, unlock his cell, walk in and shut the door and reach through and hang the keys back up on the wall. The next day or however long he decided to stay when he was ready to leave or when he wanted to grab a bite of food that Aunt Bea brought in what would he do? Reach through grab the keys off the wall and unlock the door and let himself out. But Otis knew he had the keys, he knew they were right there he could come and go as he pleased. Otis didn't see the jail cell as a prison. So it got me thinking - again. Sometimes you just got to look at things like Otis (minus the drinking part - for me anyway). See fear is good at running its mouth and keeping you distracted cause it's like that bully, it's more scared of you than you have a reason to be of it. I've dealt with lots of different kinds of fears growing up and I've dealt with a couple different ones since I was a kid, ones that caused me to build that room and make my own prison. In part I didn't even realize it was a prison and I never thought I could get out of it until about a year ago. Now I've got out of that prison but sometimes like Otis I go back in but unlike Otis sometimes I stay to long and the fear distracts me and makes me forget that I have the keys so I get back in those old fears and they try to take me back to where I used to be but I'm not going back there. Sometimes, fear follows me out of the cell I think and I get afraid and unsure when I get out of my comfort zone, what is this, I don't understand what is going on this doesn't feel safe, so fear whispers go back to that room, go back to your comfort zone, it's safe there, nothing can hurt you there. Sometimes I listen to fear and I walk, no I sometimes run back to my prison. Fear might trick me and get me back in the prison but I'm going to find the keys and get out, might need some help. In fact I have even tried to do better about that and tell one of the two people I feel I can talk to about stuff that I'm dealing with and I try to tell them these fears and lies are really attacking me again, what do I do, basically I'm telling them I can't find the keys, where did I put the keys so I can open this door to get out, please help me out. Oh and can I also say please don't beat yourself up if there is a lie or fear that seems to keep coming back or you think you are never going to beat it - that's just the fear talking, it's afraid you're going to realize just how far you have come and how close you are to really destroying this thing once and for all. And you know sometimes it takes the bird dropping that ol' snake a few times before it's ready to be served for lunch but you will beat it, you have the keys, never forget that. </span></span><br />
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<span><span>That Irish in me, I can't tell a story short to save me. But my point in all of this is, yeah sometimes fears come back and sometimes in the sneakiest of ways but don't let it bully you into silence or to believe that you can't win or have no fight (for me the popular things seems to be why fight it you know I'll win or will be right back, you're never getting rid of me, that type of thing)...but you my friend are a warrior and you must have it in you to be one awesome fighter otherwise why is fear so afraid of you seeing who you really are - because it knows you will stomp it's scrawny butt into the ground into tiny little pieces never to be put back together again. So please don't ever forget that you are not what fear says you are, you are not going to be like that person that fear tells you that you will be like (I can't be the only one that gets that one too). You are so much more. You are an unfinished masterpiece that every day is getting more and more pieces of the truth added to it. You are an overcomer, you are a survivor. You are a warrior. </span></span>Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-22352079395402142332017-11-02T12:02:00.001-04:002017-11-02T12:09:20.555-04:00Finding My Seat at the TableIt's a grab bag of random thoughts and I don't know what's about to be written. Let's see what our first prize in the grab bag of thoughts is shall we?<br />
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Carrying a lot of weight can wear you out and I'm not talking about someone's physical stature I mean carrying an object or sometimes the weight of something we were told or went through. I have some how managed to get a really early start on shopping for Christmas gifts (it's nothing short of a miracle) and the other day I was in WalMart with the sole intention of getting just one persons gift but then I thought while I'm here let me see if I can find something for someone else. Wouldn't have been a big deal except both of those gifts ended up being in big boxes and I didn't have a buggy (cart, whatever you prefer to call that lovely invention that I forget to get every time I go to the store)I briefly thought I could go get one but then I thought no I am going to go as soon as I pick up that last big box I should be okay. So picture it, me carrying two big boxes with a few small things on top (because have I mentioned I have an obsession with cards cause you never know when someone may need a card giving to them). Wasn't to heavy walking and finally finding a line that didn't have to many people. So I'm standing there holding my stuff thinking I can hold this until I can put it on the counter it's not that heavy, no big deal. It got heavy. And I am convinced glasses know when you have your hands full because that's when they decide to slide down every time without fail. So the boxes are getting heavy, my glasses are slowly using my nose as a slide and I finally just have to set the boxes down. By the time I get to pay for my stuff my arms have got a rest and my glasses are staying just fine where they need to -mostly. The cashier asks if I have a buggy (just work with me if you call it something different!) and I say no but I'll be okay, I think, I hope. Because I don't learn and I didn't want to take up anyone's time. So again i have my little bag full of cards and my two big boxes. This isn't that bad I got this. Until there go the glasses sliding and when I walk outside I have an oh no I forgot where I parked moment. So I finally am fairly certain I am in the right lane of where I parked but am having that did I really park this far down moment - I did. I make it to my car without any stops and keeping my glasses from doing an epic slide off of my nose but by the time I got to my vehicle those boxes had gotten heavy again. Shew, that was a lot to get to my point! Which is this - sometimes in life things happen, many times we have no control over it, but it places a weight on us. Often times we don't even realize we are carrying it or even how heavy it is - until that moment we sit it down. I have had a weight that I have carried for a long time, now back in 2005 I sit a box of it down and thought that was it but it wasn't I was still carrying weight from it with me. I'll be honest I thought what I had laid down was as good as it was ever going to get, this weight was just something I was going to have to learn to carry. But fast forward to 2015 and I get to meet someone, one of those people that God places in your life. So with their help and patience they helped me see how much of the weight I was still carrying and I laid some more down. Now you'd think I would have laid it all down at this point right, not quite. I still had some walls up and still carrying some of the weight from lies and fears. So here we are in 2017 - if you want a count this is 27 years since I picked up a box of lies and fears (if you want to know that means that this chapter in my story started way back when I was six years old). Last night, a simple just sitting and talking and listening to someone helped me knock down one of those last small pieces - can I just say sometimes those small pieces can weigh you down more than the heavy pieces and can be a lot more tricky to get rid of - but because someone chose to take time and sit with me and talk - they unknowingly helped me sit that last piece down and that last piece was small but it held a lot. I suddenly seemed to realize yup God has placed the right people in my life and these people really see me how they have said and shown it and you know what it's time to let people in because God is restoring things that were lost, things that I never got to have or know what it was like to have - simple kinds of relationships - but God is letting me have that now. Is it or has it been easy - nope but boy does that make the victories that much more sweeter and more awesome.<br />
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So we've shed some of that weight we've been carrying around - I don't know about you but I feel like taking a deep breath and just enjoying how light this feels. I really didn't realize how heavy that was. Now let what else is in this grab bag....looks like a pack of seeds.<br />
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I think throughout all of our lives different seeds are planted and grow - for many of us, I daresay all of us to some degree - seeds of lies and fears can take over our garden and keep the truth seeds of who we are, what we can do, what we are meant to do, our importance, etc from growing like they were meant to. Those fears and lies are nothing but weeds that take over and prevent the truth seeds from getting the light, water and nutrients they were meant to get. Can I tell you something though? You can't defeat the truth - the truth always finds a way to breakthrough - it's not always easy and it can take along time but the truth of who you are and all the awesomeness that you bring to this world will come out. I always you never meet anyone by accident - some of those people knowingly or not plant the seeds that become fears and lies but thank God for those people that get planted that bring truth. Those people that take the time to pull the weeds of lies and fear and have the patience to sit with you while the seeds of truth get nourished and get the light that has been withheld for so long but is now getting to them and helping them to grow and be who they were always meant to be. Because sometimes we need help and if you are like me and have spent many years with those walls built up afraid to let people in that's not always easy to admit or accept. But I am learning that it makes that weight a lot easier to carry, it makes this ride a lot less lonely and even fun and we just wasn't meant to tackle this all on our own.<br />
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We're just moving right along in this grab bag, aren't we? So this next one is sitting at the table and being vulnerable (it was a buy one get one free grab). If you have never heard the song To The Table by Zach Williams, you need to look it up and listen to it (actually just buy the whole CD that song is on you won't regret it). Recently I saw Zach Williams in concert and before he sang this song he said picture the longest table you can imagine and there is a seat at this table with your name on it. This table is a special table that God has and this table has what many of us would label failures, rejects, those that have been abandoned, the nothings - see that's what the seeds of lies and fears would have us think we are and it makes us think we can't have a seat at this table. Part of that song states: But you keep standing at a distance in the shadow of your shame. There's a light of hope that's shining won't you come and take your place and bring it all to the table...it goes on to state: He can see the weight you carry the fears that hold your heart but through the cross you've been forgiven you're accepted as you are.<br />
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I am one to stand off to the side and at a distance - literally and figuratively - and I'll be honest I spent all of my life thinking there is no way I could have a seat at this table because all those lies and fears and that shame kept me from walking up and sitting down at this table. Recently I went to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in awhile and we got talking about some stuff that had happened and she said that has to be a deep wound and I just kind of shrugged and thought yeah it is a little bit but it's all good. Then a few days later I was at this service at a church and a woman came up and was talking to me and it was one of those that they don't know you and they tell you stuff so you know that God is using them to get you to listen and one thing she said was there is a deep wound but she said that in every single one of the times I was abandoned and rejected and every thing else that happened God was with me. Now if you don't know my story, I won't get into it but I will you that during a lot of times I questioned God and I wondered where He was at and I thought, no I was convinced that God hated me and I had done something to make Him mad at me and not be there. Now over the past couple of years especially I have learned that was a lie but to hear and have that really sink in that God was with me through it all well that pulled a lot of those weeds of lies and fears. Zach Williams also sings a song called Fear Is A Liar and in that song he lists all those negative things that we sometimes hear others say about us or sometimes we say about ourselves but fear is a liar. I'm learning that as much as it scares me to let people in it's also okay to be vulnerable and to be real. I've worn a mask most of my life - put on that front that I'm okay, look and act like I think supposed to so I can be liked and hopefully I can be a ninja and y'all won't even notice me. But that mask gets smothering and I'm tired of wearing it. Is that to say I won't pick it up and put it back on some days - no because I am sure I will. But I'm learning that my story has a purpose and it's okay to share my story, it's okay for me to be my dorkish, nerd self. It's even okay if I laugh my obnoxious laugh. Because can I tell you something for the first time in possibly ever, I have a sense of belonging, a sense of joy and love that I have never had, that I was to afraid to accept or thought I was deserving of. There is a part of me that is afraid of what is going to happen or what will they really think of me but see the people that are meant to be in my life they will love me and they will continue to be there to help me pull up those weeds of lies and fears and they will be there to just enjoy the simple things in life. There are so many things that I am getting to enjoy and see and have for the first time - things that are so unbelievably simple and people wouldn't even think about. I'll be honest I'm in new territory. I'm truly thankful that God has placed the people He has in my life. And I am so glad that I had people that have helped me see that I do have that seat at the table and I deserve to sit there - and so do you.<br />
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So in conclusion, never underestimate what seems simple to you but could be the one thing that will help lift a weight from someone that they have been carrying. May we always be careful which seeds we water and nourish and may we always be able to pull up those weeds of lies and fears so the seeds of truth can flourish and thank God for those that help destroy the lies and fears. Always remember you have never done anything that has made you undeserving of a seat at the table and sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable because oftentimes you will find you wasn't the only one that has been through that or felt like that. Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-47643736701794637802017-10-17T12:22:00.005-04:002017-10-17T12:24:36.022-04:00Hold On TightI don't want to write this. I don't want anyone to read this but I have to write this and perhaps someone needs to read it. I'm not even sure exactly how this is going to end up written but I think I am about to be more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. Shall we see far out of my comfort zone I do get with this?<br />
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I have always dreamed of being able to get close to a tiger cub, if you don't know tigers are my favorite animal, and I always thought it would be cool to hold a tiger but never thought I would get to. I, however, recently got to mark that off my bucket list and it was everything I dreamed it would be. This post isn't about whether you agree or disagree with facilities like this - you are entitled to however you believe on that (I will say all of the animals were very well taken care of and in a facility that was well maintained, probably the best I have ever seen.). I will say that I think it is a very educational thing and positive thing to have. That's all of my opinion I will give. Now on to what I really want to say. I am one to get very random thoughts in situations and things I see. This experience was no different. Remember these two things cause I'm going to hit on them throughout this. The first was when the tiger cubs were in the room and someone stood up in the middle of the room they told the person you can stand but you have to stand against the wall. The second is at the end you could get your picture taken with any of the animals you saw. I got a picture taken with a Bengal tiger when she handed the tiger cub to me she said you have to hold him, you have to hold on to him tight. Got those two - standing with your back against the wall and hold on tight. Remember those cause I am about to have a squirrel moment and we're going to another thing.<br />
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We all have stories and in those stories we have things and sometimes even people that we can't be around less it triggers fears and doubts and causes us to retreat back behind the walls that we have tried so hard to tear down. Y'all have no idea how much I don't want to write this. I don't like for people to know I am struggling cause I feel like people will think I am trying to get attention or at the very least it seems to draw attention to me and I don't like that. But I have to write this. So this past week has been full blown trigger week. I'm not going into detail on a lot of it but the first one started last week and that one doesn't matter but it started the fears of people leaving or not being there, with this person I have never met them, they are kin to me but we never got the chance to meet or talk until recently and we've kind of gotten the chance to text back and forth. So that was trigger one of the week and starts the fears. Now I'm not anti social networks by no means that is the only way I have to contact several people. Trigger number two was seeing some things on Facebook - from pages that I follow just so no one thinks it was a friend. Those memes and articles that triggered the lies and fears of I am unworthy, I bother people, no one loves me they just tolerate me, etc. I'm about to have another trigger just writing this! Then there was some old lies and fears that was climbing out and showing their faces. Now this next one isn't against anyone and I know what was said wasn't even thought or meant to be a trigger to those fears and lies. Which also has got me thinking and wondering how many times I have said or done something and unintentionally and potentially never realizing that I caused a trigger to someone and hurt them. Can I say right now I am most sincerely sorry if I ever have, I would never ever intentionally cause any kind of hurt or harm to anyone. You know sometimes we say stuff and sometimes we say stuff to try to help and it has the opposite effect. But someone said something and again they didn't mean anything by it was never their intention for it to cause the trigger that it did and I hope they never find out or know cause it doesn't need to be known. But that triggered the fears and lies and added to what was already building of people leaving, things changing (which is life and I know change isn't always bad, if/when it does happen) and I caught myself building the wall back up. See I know I keep people at a distance and have hopefully gotten better at that but when the fears and lies attack like they have been I don't know how to handle it and the only thing that has ever made sense and 'helped' (cause it really doesn't help and I know it doesn't) is to build the wall up. You know you think walls protect you from the elements, shield you from the rain and wind and heat of the day but the walls I build up to keep people out they don't protect me, they actually in turn cause more damage. I am a quiet person in that when I talk the volume of my voice isn't very loud but I also am a very private person and am probably really difficult to get to know. I prefer listening and learning about others, I feel I am not that important or have much to offer. I also just don't talk that much - except for a couple or so people that I seem to talk to a lot even though one said that they have to work and pull things out of me (it's true, if I am in the moments like I am now, you have to have serious patience for me to be able to talk and I will ultimately just say it's nothing I'm good) and to those two people I promise I am trying not to talk to you all as much and tell you so much....but can I also say that as I write that I am reminded of a couple of things. You know a predator will isolate it's prey (generally in the animal kingdom it goes for the weakest most vulnerable too but I want to say if you are being attacked or going through something I think it's the opposite it's because you very much matter and you have so much to offer that these attacks try to isolate you to keep you from seeing that you are a warrior and a game changer). And I think that is one of the most powerful ways for a person to be attacked - to isolate them and to make them feel alone - which you can feel even when you are in a room full of people. If we feel alone and isolated it's like it causes an avalanche, suddenly we feel vulnerable we feel unworthy, unloved, that we don't matter, etc. One of my favorite stories and people from the bible is Joseph and in the past couple of years his story has and continues to encourage and help me. And I was thinking today how he went from the pit to the palace to prison and probably spent several of those years wondering if he would be remembered and brought out of the prison but he was and he was brought back to the palace and was someone of great importance and helped many. In the times he was in prison for something he didn't even do it became a time that he was actually planted and grew and it even prepared him for when he got back to the palace. But as I was writing that about not talking so much I was also reminded of how people are placed in our lives to steal the phrase I have wrote on here before and was told to me God knits people into our lives and those are our home team, that is there to help us any time of day or night, to encourage us, to laugh with us and to help us out of the pit back into the palace, to help us and to just make this ride a little bit more fun and tolerable. Those people that can help keep the predator away and keep you from feeling or being isolated and alone. And if I'm honest one of my biggest struggles is feeling alone and in turn I start to isolate myself - no for the record my personality and just who I am is one that I could disappear for a long time and just not really talk or whatever, that's just who I am, it's not that no one has done anything I don't even think I realize I am doing it. But back to those people - the ones that whatever chapter they show up in they are meant to be there for the remaining chapters. So I guess I'm saying I know I'm weird and difficult to probably put up with to even get to know - it's not done on purpose to test or anything I probably don't even realize I am doing it, I am very bad about living in my own little world and I quite often get lost in there.<br />
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Now to get back to those two random thoughts I had while visiting with the tiger cubs. When we was in the room telling the person to stand against the wall was a safety measure but in life sometimes things comes against us and pushes us against the wall. All those things that have piled up and dug up some fears and lies and added some new ones have me against the wall and it makes you feel trapped and hopeless. I have this shirt, I call it my preaching shirt because I have got comments on it in Indiana, Arizona and Kentucky all of them saying they love the message on the shirt. What does the shirt say? Glad you asked. It says Hope is the Message We are the Messengers. That shirt reminds me that we all have days that we lose hope, we misplace it and thank God for those people that whether they know it or not are messengers to help us find that hope again, maybe to find the faith we lost or find it for the first time. Things are going to happen and sometimes those things will push you up against the wall - or in my case sitting in a fetal position with the walls starting to build back up. Now I know I will get through this and those walls aren't staying up, I've worked to hard and went through to much to build them back up. The second thing, when the woman handed me the tiger to hold while the other woman (who made the comment on my shirt) took my picture she said you've got to hold him, you've got to hold on to him tight. Okay, no problem, I'm holding a tiger cub - I want to hug him and name him George lol (I hate having my picture taken but that day I didn't care and I had the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. I was so stinking happy). At one point when I was holding him the tiger roared, which was cute, scary and intimidating all at once. When she said you got to hold him tight it reminded of how sometimes when we're having a bad day we have to hold on tight to those truths and even hold on to those people that are there for us - and I do hope anyone that reads this you have at least one person like that (it ain't about having a lot of people like that just having the true sincere people that got your back). I had to hold tight to the tiger so he didn't get down and start exploring and when I'm against the wall, in a storm, just having a rough day I have to hold on to the truth that this will pass, I will make it, I am an overcomer. I will grow from this, it might hurt and it might not be fun, might last longer than I want it to but I will grow and I will make it. The other thing that kind of just came to mind was when the tiger roared. Sometimes when we're in a battle our battle cry might sound like that little tiger and you think aww and it doesn't really intimidate or scare your enemy but don't let you that make you stop you roar because what the enemy doesn't want you to know is that the first roar did scare him but he's trying to make you think you ain't going to win that your roar isn't causing any damage trying to make you stop to get you hide behind the walls. Roar, I don't care how quiet you are or how loud you are, roar and you keep roaring. You keep taking those steps, you keep telling yourself those truths that you matter that you will make this that you are unfinished but you are still here and you are gonna fly cause you have something to offer this world. It doesn't matter how shaky your voice is, doesn't matter how bad your knees are knocking you got this and I so very much believe in you. Don't kick yourself while your down cause you are struggling or are having a bad day, that's okay, we all do, just don't unpack there and stay cause you don't deserve that.<br />
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I think I will end this with a couple of lines from a song I heard today called I'll Find You by Lecrae and in it it states: But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together. I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room...No don't let the fear make you feel like you can't fight this on your own<br />
You know I, I'll be there for you no matter where you go. You'll never be alone, no. Just fight a little longer my friend it's all worth it in the end<br />
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So as I am in this prison or pit I will keep fighting and appreciate those that stick around and are there for me during these times because I'm not staying in this prison I'm going to the palace. And I will grow and I will fly. A bad day might knock me down and keep me out for longer than I want it to but it ain't knocking me out, I will get back. I might have a scar or two but those just prove that I am a survivor. So I will hold on tight and know that I am going to make it. <br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-90909432853800395662017-10-02T12:01:00.000-04:002017-10-02T12:01:25.056-04:00I'm Not Who I WasThis post is brought to you by the song I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath (probably some more songs before I finish writing but mainly this one). I know and apologize to those that personally know me because I don't make it easy to know me or to know things about me. Music is a way for me to use to help people know a little more about me in an odd way. The song I'm Not Who I Was has meant a lot to me from the very first time I heard it and can I just tell you I have come a long way from that moment so now it means even more to me. I believe it was early last year I got to go to a concert and see Third Day with Brandon Heath. Brandon sang this song and he gave the story behind it (I may have written about this before but in case I haven't or just as a refresher I'll tell it - possibly telling it again). So the story was that his parents divorced and his dad remarried and later on his stepmom left too and at some point in his life he wrote this song about that moment in his life. So this song holds a lot of meaning to me, I can listen to it and think of how I can relate in feeling that way towards someone and I'm not who I was in that situation anymore - thank God. I'm also just not who I was in general and again thank God. Do you ever feel like you are playing a game of dodge ball with life and sometimes life hits you good with a scenario that knocks you. Life's rules of dodge ball are a bit different in that you are still in the game when you get hit but life doesn't always play fair and keeps throwing the balls if you will to try to persuade you to not try to get back up. I'm not who I was in that I have also figured out that I can fight back and though I may be pretty much mostly known as that quiet girl I have more to contribute to my little bitty part in my little bitty section of this world and the stories I am in and my own narrative.<br />
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There is a line from that song that states: 'When the pain came back again like a bitter friend it was all that I could do to keep myself from blaming you...Now I'm not who I was I write about love and such. Maybe 'cause I want it so much. I'm not who I was. I was thinking maybe I -I should let you know that I am not the same.' Forgive me cause I'm going to be jumping all over the place and probably not making much sense. But can I tell you something that I seem to really be understanding and getting and I don't know why it's suddenly happening but I have spent most of my life (from the time I was six until now at the good ol' age of 33) thinking I was damaged and that these scars well I've been trying to hide my scars - these scars have made me who I am these scars don't make me damaged they just add a bit more to my story. There is a song by Casting Crowns called Loving My Jesus and there is lines from that song that states: Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy can reach you where you are. And I pray the whole world hears the cry of my heart is to see all the ones I love loving my Jesus. Sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside 'cause no one will understand...' See I think we often all at some point for some amount of time put on a mask - and that falls for people of all races, gender, age, religion, etc. I recently had a conversation with someone and knowingly or not they hit the bulls eye on some of the things I have been struggling with again and they helped me be able to take the mask off and to help remind me of the truth because the fears and lies were sneaking back in. Sometimes it's not always the bitterness that tries to sneak back in - maybe your situation doesn't even really involve a bitterness of any kind but sometimes those fears and lies come back. And I can honestly say there is no bitterness on my part for anything but I will also honestly say that some of the fears and lies that have plagued me try to weasel their way back in sometimes. Well I'll just tell you how it has been here lately and first I will say I have no idea what has happened but I have made huge steps and the past three or so weeks it's as if some blinders have been taken off and I am seeing for the first time. You know what it is kind of like before I started sixth grade I had to get glasses and I knew that things were blurry and I wasn't seeing things like they were meant to be seen but I didn't realize how much I was missing until I put those glasses on and suddenly so much was so very clear. I was going around reading signs from a distance I probably wouldn't have even seen there was something written on it before. I kind of feel like that now, that I am seeing stuff that I was meant to see and understand for so long and I am just now finally getting it and able to read it.... to accept it. In part of the conversation I brought up a couple of people and what they mean to me and in particular I had stated how I call one of them mom and though I didn't say this part I often struggle with if that was/is okay and some other stuff I'll get to in a moment but when I said that I called them mom the person said something that really helped and that was that it was okay because God knows the people that we need in our lives and they shared some of their story. But it helped so much to be reminded how no matter how old we may be or the situation that it is okay and that we will have those people that are like a parent or a sibling or whatever that we need. In part of the conversation I had said how I struggled with accepting that this person could and would see me as their daughter and actually I struggle with even accepting love and that I deserve to have those kinds of people in my life and the person said yeah because you feel damaged and that is true. I've been going about seeing my scars in the wrong way. See I thought, still sometimes struggle with, thinking that those scars make me damaged goods. Have you ever been to the store and saw something be it food or recently I bought a USB cord for I think $5 cheaper because the box was damaged but there was nothing wrong with the USB cord. Or maybe if you buy that box of food for a little cheaper there was nothing wrong with the food just the box was a little damaged but it still served its purpose. Sometimes people are like those boxes. See what we see on the outside may look damaged and more often than not what is damaged is on the inside but we hide it with masks and if you are like me keeping people at a distance and such. That damage, those scars that for whatever reason we can fall in the trap of thinking that it makes us unworthy or undeserving or unable well that is all lies. Those scars are just part of your story. They don't define who you are, they just add to it, you know many of our scars we think ruin our story, they make us less than but that is so wrong. I still am not the best at letting people see my scars - telling what I have told in the past few posts on here is huge for me - but I am trying to look at it like this and that my scars are proof that I am way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and it proves to me that God has my back and all this time has watched out for me. Though I may be or have been damaged I am still worthy and so are you. I don't know if anyone will read this and if you are I may have talked to you and know your story or maybe we have never met but I can say this no matter what your scars may be from and how damaged you may think you are and you'll never be perfect - well we won't be perfect so I don't know about you but big sigh of relief I can quit trying to live up to that standard but your scars make you beautiful and remind you and can help others know they can make it through their own storms that have caused scars perhaps similar to yours. You know when that person was talking to me yesterday I am not sure I knew one part of her story that she shared with me and it helped to hear someone say they struggled with feeling a certain way because of this situation. Never belittle yourself, period but never think your story doesn't matter or is to damaged or whatever to make a difference. Even if you have went through something I have never had to deal with just hearing your story will still make an impact and help. Because who knows maybe even on down the road I will go through something similar and I will think oh wait so and so went through something like this hey maybe I need to go talk to them or maybe I will remember something you said while telling me your story of what you did to help get through the storm. Wounds don't always heal over night and that's okay sometimes it can take years for wounds of things we have went through to even start to heal. Don't fall in the trap that you have to put on the mask and act like you are okay or healed from a wound because it has been x amount of time and you should be over that by now. We all heal at a different pace. You know I could get a cut on my arm and you could get the same length and depth of cut on your arm and your wound may heal over in a day with no scar or anything whereas mine may take a few days and leave a scar. But we're both healed now it just that it took my wound a little longer to heal. Are all of my wounds healed perfectly - no I mean I do still have scars but again those scars are just a reminder that I made it through, didn't make it through unscathed but I made it through. You know I think I need to point this out because I don't want it to seem like I don't have bad days or that I don't have struggles - I have just made huge steps forward. See I do still very much struggle with letting people in and not keeping them at a distance. In fact, I will tell on myself I have made huge steps in letting people in and accepting that yup God did send these people to fill in and be like such and such in my life. But you know what, just today even I had a major fear that those people would leave and that I needed to not get any closer and not let them any closer because something is going to happen and their not going to be in my life that much I won't get to see them or spend time with them and just don't get any closer. I had to remind myself of a couple of things one something they told me and then I tried to remind myself that all of that very well may be true but I need to focus on the now and I don't want to miss out on any opportunity I have now to be with them to spend time or talk with them in any capacity. Because keeping people at a distance just leaves me alone and I want to be with those that God knows I need to spend time with and that will be there for me. And you know what I think it's time for this quiet girl to fly, it's time for me to sing my song and to accept what I am deserving of. How about you? Maybe we have to help each other remember that though we have scars it doesn't disqualify us, I'll be honest with you I think it makes us that much more qualified. You know some days it's easy to fly and some days it's not so easy to fly - I watched a bird flying the other day and the wind was catching under its wings and trying to knock it off course but the bird kept maneuvering and it kept flight and was able to get where it wanted to. It may not always be an easy flight and some days we have to find a tree branch to sit on and rest and some days we can keep flight it just takes a little longer to get to our destination. Some days or just bad days and you need that friend, that person that you can go to and talk to and they can remind you to focus on the good and don't worry be happy or just to be there. Am I where I want to be - no but thank God I'm not who I was. I daresay I think I am becoming who I am meant to be. Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-6506732867502363262017-09-26T14:14:00.001-04:002017-09-26T14:14:38.030-04:00Whispers of HopeI'm not a very loud person, I am fairly certain I have unintentionally annoyed several people cause I couldn't talk loud and they couldn't hear me. I promise I am not doing it on purpose, I am trying to talk where I can be heard and to me it feels like I am yelling, like I am giving it my all. Have you ever been sick with a sore throat and you're trying to talk and it's just not getting above a whisper? That is probably a good idea of what it is like trying to hear me talk! That is actually a good unintentional lead way into another thought.<br />
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Sometimes I get random thoughts (I call them that someone once told me that I think that they are random but they are really from God) and I will also get random pictures pop in my head (we won't even talk about the dreams I have sometimes that could very much fall in this little category!). Yes, I probably do need a straight jacket and padded walls too! However, if you so wish to continue reading I think I would like to write about a few of these random thoughts.<br />
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I love lighthouses I think they are a perfect representation of a beacon of hope. I am terrified of heights but even with that fear when I look at or even climb a lighthouse I always think of hope and how we are sometimes knowingly or unknowingly a light to others. Now I'm one to not stand tall, I quite often walk looking at the ground and we've established how quiet I am. By all means just those few things alone should disqualify me from being a lighthouse but that would be wrong. Being a light has been one of those random thoughts. This world can get dark, it make you feel alone and isolated very easily and those are some of the worst feelings ever. It is in those dark moments that I imagine it is how a sailor felt when he was alone on his boat at night and may have been having trouble navigating even felt alone and so lost. Maybe he was thinking to himself now what do I do and as he started looking around it was pitch black and he is going in a circle and when he about to give up almost completing his circle he sees this light. It's the lighthouse. Suddenly, he has hope again, he knows where he is at and now a better idea of how far away he is from shore. Someone recently said how sometimes we may be the only light people see. Some people will think me, really, but how I am to quiet, to young, to old, to something. That's where you would be very wrong. Yes, you may be one or more of those but doesn't mean you can't be a light. There have been people that has been a light to me and they still don't know it and in ways you would never even think about. You don't have to have elegant speech, a lot of money in your bank account, or be a certain age to be a lighthouse in someones life. A friend sent me a message the other day and they have no idea how that message came at just the right time and they were a lighthouse to me that day. Never, ever underestimate or ignore that little nudge to tell someone something or to do something with someone even if it's just to go up and give them a hug. I promise you whether you know it or not there is a reason why you feel like you need to say or do that. That person may be circling around in the dark looking for a light and that simple thank you for being my friend, or are you doing okay I've had you on my mind or if you are able to go to them and just give them a hug - you just became a lighthouse. I know they say never say never - but never ignore those little nudges no matter how much you have to step out of your comfort zone or if your like me how much you feel like you may be a bother to the person.<br />
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So recently I posted something on Facebook that stated my little heart could just burst with joy and that is just from what has happened in the past two weeks. I guess...well I'm not really sure actually what people thought I meant but some asked what my news was. I thought first am I really that private of a person that no one really knows much of my story past or present chapters. I also thought wouldn't it be funny if I commented I met a guy from Ireland, we're getting married and I'm moving to Ireland....bazinga. No but I'm just so happy because so many dreams are coming true. Have you ever got to do something and someone ask you bet you never thought you could say you got to (insert whatever dream thing you got to do here) did you? I have bucket lists - none that I have actually written down but I keep mental notes of them and I have different bucket lists - concert lists, travel lists, even just little things I hope to do with certain people one day. And the last two weeks found me marking off lots on each of those bucket lists. Some times we go through dry spells don't we? Those times where you are just going through the motions, feel like you are the hamster in the wheel, and you still have that hope that certain dreams will happen and certain things will come to pass but it's getting a little dried up. (Kind of feel like here is where you would hear Cassandra say Moisturize me...Doctor Who reference just in case no one has seen that.). Sometimes right when you have taken that last big gulp of air before you sink and think this is the end is when you see that light and/or someone grabs you arm and picks you up. This past Saturday I got to go see Terri Clark and Suzy Bogguss at Renfro Valley and I got to meet them afterwards and get their autograph. I even talked to them and they heard me! Suzy Bogguss looked at me and asked if I had ever thought about picking (music...I mean I don't know someone might read that and think she meant my nose or something!!). I went on to say I wish but I don't although I have a guitar and mandolin and Terri Clark said well don't just let them sit around collecting dust. And then as I was walking away Terri said it was nice to meet you April. Here is where I would love to tell you I have gotten my guitar and mandolin out every day since then and have been practicing and stuff but that would be a lie. Though I haven't done that yet with that simple question and with Terri saying what she did (as well as Suzy saying some of the songs on the CD I bought of hers only had three chords and were easy to try to learn - a good place to start if you will) that really encouraged me. So if you want an answer to what is making my little heart burst with joy it is that I am getting what I mean to people, I have amazing people in my life that mean the world to me - I even get to call a couple of them mom and pop, I have gotten to go traveling and seeing places that I dreamed about, I have gotten to go to concerts and meet singers that their music I would listen to to pass time and to try to distract my mind on those days it liked to get really loud. That's why I am so happy, that little kid that was always so afraid to let people in that was so afraid that she was to backwards and wouldn't ever be able to do anything, well she has gotten to do oh so very much and I'm just getting started. If I was to use pictures to tell my story I could sum it up in three pictures - chains, a bird cage and a road. At some point and to some degree of time we are all bound by some kind of chain that holds us back I think - some of us have a lot of chains or one that the lock is rusted and you think you are not ever going to break free from it. I have had lots of chains broken - shattered - and though there has been no magic I am right where I want to be now that the chains are broken I have been able to move forward and make progress toward getting to where I want to be, where I have meant to be all along. A bird cage because if a bird has been in a cage for so long it may take some coaxing and a while for them to realize the door is open and they can fly out. People are like that too. We stay so long in our comfort zones, or in the lies and fears that we don't realize the door has been opened and we can be free. Also because when I think of a bird I think of them chirping or singing and sometimes maybe a bird loses its song or forgets some of the words oh but that moment when it remembers or finds its voice again - that's the most beautiful version of that song you will ever hear. I think the same goes for people. When they find their song or remember the words to their song and you see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice - I think that's true beauty right there. And a road because I have traveled some interesting roads - literally while driving and figuratively while making my way through life. Some I have traveled and they looked like they would be safe, in good condition and I would even see some pretty views along the way and that wasn't always the case. Sometimes those turned in to the worst roads I could have ever traveled. Some roads I got on they were just gravel roads, had some rough places and even got narrow but boy have some of those roads had some of the best views and met some of the best people on those roads. My hope is I never stand to long at a road questioning whether it is a good road to take and all the scenarios my mind could come with and end up not taking any road. I'd rather take the wrong road and turn around and get back on track or take the road that may start out rough but you find it was the right road and it has some amazing views. I'd rather do either of those than just standing at the road and never taking any road. To me that is the worst kind of confusion than any I may have on whatever road I take. You can always turn around but you can't do anything if you don't go.<br />
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I titled this whispers of hope and I don't know if it really goes with what I have written but sometimes I'll get little phrases pop in my head and sometimes those phrases will not leave me alone and I will even see things that make me think of it randomly. For example flying and in particular an eagle flying has in some way quite often played a role in popping up in various ways - why I don't know - probably nothing. Then those three words keep coming to mind - whispers of hope. Sometimes, it can take a really long time to find that hope, sometimes it can be loud and so very obvious and sometimes it's just a little whisper. Whether it's loud or just a whisper never stop believing or looking for hope. <br />
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<br />Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7614540081584278782.post-940573540623371172017-09-19T13:23:00.004-04:002017-09-19T13:23:31.028-04:00This is my story, this is my song...You know the drill random thoughts and your guess is as good as mine as where this ride will end up...<br />
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On my memories that popped up for this day on Facebook one was from a year ago and I had been reading In Such Good Company by Carol Burnett (still recommend that book if you haven't read it yet) and I had wrote about the people in the studio not wanting her to hire Vicki Lawrence as a regular and how they said she was to rough around the edges. I still love Carol's response which was, so is a diamond at first. Thankfully Carol stood her ground and knew what Vicki had to offer. Carol Burnett is one of my favorite people who happen to be a celebrity, somehow I feel a connection to her that happened the moment I found out her grandma raised her and was a mom to her plus I just love her sense of humor and she is definitely one celebrity I would love to meet. I did get a letter from her, forever grateful she took the time back to respond to a letter I sent to her. Anyway, I loved her response because whether it's a shot at being a regular on what in my opinion is still the best variety show ever created or just building the confidence to do another dream you may have or even just to build confidence in you - we all at some point I think need or can use someone to remind us and to drown out the lies or just to give us a shot. Sometimes just to know that there are people that care and will be there for you.<br />
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So onto another thought, I saw a post the other day from Lisa Harper and it was a video of her daughter (who she adopted from Haiti) and in it her daughter said that if Lisa did good when she got her shots that she just may get her an ice cream and a pony! On the post Lisa used the hashtag apple didn't fall far from the tree and it made me smile for a few reasons. One her daughter is just precious she has such a joyful, happy spirit that you can tell she is just going to go places and be used mightily. Two you can tell the love that is there between mother and daughter. A lot of times when she posts stuff she'll to some degree mention how awesome it is how God worked it out and He picked the perfect daughter for her. You ever see those women that you just know they are meant to be a mom. And to see women like that get to be a mom just makes my heart happy. I love their story too because it gives me hope that maybe one day I will get to adopt and meet the son or daughter that God picks out for me or as I think is more accurate I will just get to meet more kids that I get to be an 'aunt' to. But I love their story too because it reminds me of how God has worked out my story - my story in how I get to have a mom. It's kind of cool isn't to take a glance back at your story and see how things have and/or are working out. To be honest with you I am at a major page turner part of my story and I love my story. I embrace everything about my story cause it made me who I am and it let me meet and now I have some awesome people in my life. I'm still not the best at telling it and I don't always like to tell it but maybe I need to tell more. Disclaimer - anything I write is not to make anyone look bad or to put them down in anyway. I have no ill feelings toward anyone, no grudges, nothing of the like. Growing up I used to wonder if I would ever know what it was to have a mother/daughter relationship and to be honest I didn't think I would cause in part I thought that was part of God punishing me and just proving that He hated me (on a previous post I had written about that in a bit more detail). As I've grown up and over the years I realized that wasn't true but I do think God worked it all out and was actually looking out for me. See when I look back in previous chapters I won't name them but I can tell you that there has been three women that has been a big influence on me and all three in one way or another has or is like a mom to me. First my grandma cause she helped raise me and was the closest thing I had to know what a mom may be, she was sickly all my life so didn't really get to do stuff with her or anything but she gave the best hugs and she was there for me. Then there is the pastor's wife at my church (which I suppose gives it away if you personally know me and read this) who is like a mom and she's helped me tremendously over the years and then a person that God allowed me to meet a couple years ago who is also very much like my mom and I even call her mom and she has helped me a lot too. These three women in their own ways have and are a huge influence in my life. It kind of amazes me really when I look back on my story and the thing that probably has plagued me the most and has been a chain is what happened growing up and that not having a mom or the mom influence that you think of. Now I look back and I see where I currently am in my story and I have a major thanks God moment and I see why what happened did happen and now I wouldn't change any of it for nothing. If I had wrote the story how I thought it was supposed to be written I would have never met those two very important women that are in my life now. Sometimes I think I am selfish and sometimes I worry that I am a bother to them and stuff but recently I had a thought that could be very wrong or possibly very right. As I have said I don't think you meet anyone by accident or for no reason. Each of these women in their own ways have and are filling in the gap and are letting me know and have a mother's love which I am forever in debt to them for and am forever grateful. Not to mention they just mean so very much to me for just being who they are and I'll never be able to repay them for all that they have done for me. I often say they got the bad end of the deal but I recently had a thought that I may be very wrong and maybe shouldn't say that because maybe I am feeling in some kind of gap that they may have had - at the very least I get to annoy them! But I love Lisa Harper's story with her daughter and so many because I think it proves how awesome God is that in my wee little human brain I am in some way taught to think that it's supposed to happen this way and if it doesn't it never will but stories like mine and Lisa Harper's helps me realize that that isn't true and that it may take awhile ( I was in my twenties when I met one of those women and days away from turning 31 when I met the other one) but things do work out and I think it's a way cooler story and page turner when it happens like this. I love those stories that just when you think they are over and this is going to be a crappy ending something happens and you have the you have got to be kidding me I did not see this happening. It's way better than I could have ever imagined. So in my story I have no idea if I will ever have a kid (biological or adopted), I have no idea how it will play out with certain people in my life but I love my story.<br />
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I was recently reading a blog and it was about what to do when we think God is late and it mentioned Sarah and how she laughed and thought there was no way she was going to have a child so she tried to help God and messed up. And how often do we do that, think God didn't hear us or what we may hear or be told is going to happen well we laugh and think there is no way. So we either forget about it or we try to help God out. With Sarah and Abraham they had to wait 25 years for that promise to be fulfilled. That's a lifetime! But I bet if we could talk to Sarah she would say now looking back she saw how it was all worth it and she had a better understanding of how and why it all worked out the way it did. I loved in part of that blog the person wrote how God knows exactly who we are supposed to meet and who is supposed to be in our story and when they are supposed to be in their story. How often do you hear I wish I could have met you sooner? But maybe for various reasons had we met people sooner we wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know them like we did when we first met them and then we would have missed the chance for them to have the place that they hold in our lives now. If that makes sense. Like I know if I had met some friends that I have sooner we wouldn't have become friends and that would have been terrible. So I'm glad I'm not writing that part of my story either or I would mess it up.<br />
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I had another thought but I think this post is done. I don't know your story or where you are in your story but even if it looks a little rough around the edges just remember so does a diamond at first. And no matter how much you may think your story isn't going to end well or make a difference please know that your story is very important and matters and the very next page may just have that dream that you have been waiting so long for. Shall we all keep going to see where our stories lead and may they have the most epic stories and best ending ever! Ramblings of a Quiet Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03130918436096624536noreply@blogger.com0