Take One More Step

 This seemed like a good pointless rambling to make a quick visit back to the forgotten blog. One can thank two things I read today for this post.

Earlier today I was reading a devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries and in short the authors friend and her husband felt God was leading them to foster children but the friends parents as well as others was not in their corner like the friend was expecting or hoping they would be, in fact they was discouraging them to do this. Fast forward to a few days or so later and the author sees the friend again but this time the friend isn't as discouraged, weighted down and when asked why she says she realized she didn't need their permission to do God's will in her life.

So often in life those people that are in pur life whatever label they have well sometimes they don't live up to that label. Or sometimes people just don't have pur back like we thought for sure they would in certain situations. First let me say of course no one is perfect and no one can always be there or live up to a sometimes impossible expectation we may have for them. That's not what this thought is about. I'm sure those people had the authors friends best interest at heart and meant no harm but sometimes we have to take that step of faith especially when we feel God leading us to do something even if it's a simple task. Sometimes in life we don't have who we thought we would in our corner. There are times those we thought would always be there just leave - a long time friend, a spouse, a parent, etc. A big part of my story is how a majority of my life I didn't have a mom little lesser known part is how didn't have other family members too. But God had a plan all along and I have my chosen family (got my real mom, dad and an aunt and got a cousin and a friend that are more like sisters to me- all of whom I annoy the living daylights out of). Now whether it's something like that and I don't know maybe someone doesn't like or see how God knits people in our lives or a situation where you feel God is leading you to do something but you feel like you don't have anyone in your corner like you thought you would. First be like the authors friend and realize you don't need anyone's permission you just need to do God's will. And it may at times get lonely and may not go the way you thought it would but you keep going and I will believe it until I leave this world that God will send people in your life. Maybe it will be just a stranger in passing, maybe a stranger that becomes a friend or maybe even people that become your chosen family. Don't give up a dream, calling, or hope because some around you don't see it.

The second and last thought kind of ties in I suppose because it was a quote that stated something along the lines of I hope your success offends those don't want to see you win. I think I see what it's saying but also at the same time my thought went to I hope not, to be honest with respect I don't really care what they think. If it bothers them that's on them. Of course there are people out there that want to see us fall there are those that will spend all their energy digging a hole trying to make you look bad to try to get you to fall in and be destroyed but those people need to be careful and mindful that they may be ending up digging the hole for themselves. There are people that will lie and do whatever to ease their conscience and again try to make you look bad, again I say they better be careful cause when that comes back on them and I believe one day (be it months or years before it happens) it will come back and knock them down with the same fierce force that they spewed out. People are going to lie, hate, reject, abandon and use us one way or one time (sometimes lots of ways and times) I won't say that there aren't times what pushed me a step forward was to try to get to say I told you so to someone but honestly where I'm at now for sure I don't even care. If you've tried to hold me back or knock me down, just know I will get back up and loose. If you don't want to see me win look away! I'm moving forward not so it can offend those that don't want me to win but I'm moving forward cause I want to get to where I belong, to sit at the table where I belong. I want to succeed in the simple things as never believing the lies that I'm a bother or I'm intruding so that I can move forward not to say I told you so but so I can finally be where I belong. I try to let my focus never even go to those that left, aren't there, want to see me fail, etc I want my time to be spent on and with those that are there and care. The ones that try to knock you down just use that junk they throw and all that dirt to build the steps to get you to where you're going and where you belong and only look back to see how far you've made it. 

So if you need the reminder you're going to make it and if you haven't met those people that will be in the corner for you don't you give up and if you believe as I do always remember God is in that corner with you and don't let anyone 

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I believe, help my unbelief

 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

This and another verse that will be mentioned a little later on have been on my heart so much lately. I commend this father and am so very thankful for this verse. Allow me to tell you why. Some have almost scoffed at this verse as if to say how are you going to say in the same breath you believe help my unbelief. Briefly let's look at this man's story than I'm going to share one of my own if you so choose to read it. This man was desperate to get help for his soon he had just asked the disciples to deliver his son and they couldn't help. But Jesus came on the scene and said if you believe...this man knew he believed but he also knew that his faith had been shaking by seeing the disciples not being able to help his son and perhaps even all these years seeing his son in this shape. So he took the mask off and he said Lord, I believe but help my unbelief...help those parts of my faith that are weak, that have been shaken Lord strengthen them, strengthen me.

 That took faith.

 That took faith that many of us today in the very moment don't have. So often we've gotten used to carrying it all on our own, somehow believing it makes us seem weak and wrong to say my faith has been shaking in this part. I daresay a many of you are carrying shame for unbelief. Some have worn the mask so long you may not even see it. In Psalm 139: 23-24 David cries out, Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

I can only speak for myself (though I have seen it but won't call it out) but there have been many times I have faith and believe but also there is unbelief. It's so easy to see and believe for things to happen for others but if it involves me in any capacity unbelief can easily creep in. I can pray believing for you or a loved one to be healed, to get a job, etc. But can I tell you a possibly repeated story of how it took a long time for me to even see my unbelief and will try to tell at least one area unbelief likes to rear it's ugly head (trust me there are a few...a lot at times) 

Take it back just a little for a bit of a background of this but I grew up without a mom and I would see people doing stuff with their mom or having that person they could go to and talk to and say their mom is their best friend and my heart truly ached to know what that was. Fast forward I've forgiven the situation and all involved to cause that scenario but still don't have a mom. I've given God a lot of the hurts and things I'd held onto thinking it was protecting me when in reality it wasn't at all. Skip ahead to about 2014, I am 30 years old still saved, still believing but also got a lot of unbelief. One day someone makes a statement that I've heard so many times and for many I know it's true and I promise I'm so happy for you that you have it but that day I was over it and I just needed to talk and I didn't have anyone I could go to and talk. But I did. And that day I said God I need to talk to you and be honest no holds bar, you can strike me down or whatever (if you are one that has that little lie floating in your head, trust me you can talk to God about absolutely anything and He won't strike you down or be mad or disappointed in you). So that day I asked two things one, for anyone at all to tell me about someone in that Bible that had a similar situation to me that God helped them through and while I'm asking that, you can call me crazy that's okay won't be the first, but I felt even almost heard "there's something else you're holding on to, it's time to give it to Me" and I knew what it was and that it was time but I was afraid, my faith had never been whole from that part of my story. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. So I admitted to the fears and doubts and what I'd been trying to carry my whole life on my own and I told God this is the last time I'll ask but if You're answer is no I beg you to take that want and need away of me wanting and needing a mom but Lord will I ever know a mom's love, will there be someone that is okay with me seeing them as my mom that would want me for their daughter and see me as their daughter, that I could do whatever mom's and daughters do that my mom could be my best friend. That prayer was answered but not immediately and I thank God it did take months (well really years, but months after I didn't let my unbelief keep me from asking God) because it taught me to trust God more and that I can be honest with God especially about my unbelief. Because you see five days before my 31st birthday I heard someone tell about Joseph and how he grew up without a mom and how God also brought him through being in the pit and prison. The person that told me was none other than my mom and I love that God worked it out that it was her. And thankfully and I'll forever be grateful that God chose my mom and Pop and bless them for all they do for me and all they have and continue to show me that I never knew. 

I say that to say this it's okay that there are places our faith can be weak or even shaken, Lord knows there are many areas my faith has been both. That's not the problem, the problem gets when we try to carry it on our own, when we try to wear the masks and aren't even honest with God. Listen I know you can't talk to just anyone but I do believe God gives us people we can go to and talk and be real with. Those people that will help hold us accountable, that will pray for us, that will sit with us in our time of need or just be there. And you always can and should take things to God again He's not going to be mad cause you say Lord I believe help my unbelief. I believe and know God is going to heal my mom but there have been times that I have said Lord I believe but help my unbelief. 

Going back to when David cried out search me Oh God and know my...that has really been on my heart as well and I'm finding myself more and more asking that. God knows me better than I know me because I lie to myself a lot intentionally or not. I say I'm fine when I'm not even to myself. I notoriously say things are no big deal when in fact they are a very big deal to me and be it from it's caused me hurt to it's just a thing I get really excited about but I know I don't shut up when I get excited about something and don't want to be annoying or a bother so I just say oh it's no big deal. I'm good with walls and masks - a little to good at times. But I've gotten to where I ask search me O God, show me any wrong in me but also I honestly feel like God is not only showing that but showing me ways in which  we don't always think about needing change or as maybe bad. Of course we got the big ones that we can honestly even justify and say we don't have or say well it's not that bad or it's not really pride or anything like. So I've been asking a lot God show me and I see things in me like pride but I'm going to take it to something that I'm not sure is mentioned a lot. Not for this to sound arrogant and forgive me if it does not the intent but I have a serving heart, I love to help people. I'm notoriously known and picked on for being quiet but my quiet doesn't always get in the way and is a way I can show who I am and my love by helping you. Granted the quiet backwardness can get in the way of me stepping up like I want to or just saying let me help or can I help but working on that one. But I struggle badly with letting people help me. God on more than one occasion especially lately has told me I feel if you want to be there and help people you have to let those that I've put in your life be there and help you it's not a one way street and to be honest I've always treated it that way. I'm so used to carrying it all on my own that it's even hard to let those that I know won't leave, or make fun of me or that I can trust help me. 

So today or any day never ever feel bad for having to say Lord I believe help my unbelief and also don't neglect in asking search me O God and allow God to show and help you grow.

I thank God for loving me enough to forgive me, to correct me, to pick me up time and time again and that He loved me enough to give me the chosen family that He truly did choose for me and thank them for always being there for me.

Good Samaritan

We're all traveling on a road called life and we're all on the same yet different roads and in life circumstances happen that takes us on different roads meeting different people. On those roads we pass people and in those brief moments that's the only time we will see them this side of heaven and sometimes we meet people that become a part of our journey be it for a season or the very few that are a lifetime.

Sometimes we find people on these roads in a mess, sometimes we've got found on the road in a mess. Robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead. Oh I don't necessarily mean literally but oftentimes there have been circumstances that have happened to us that have robbed us of joy, hope, peace. Stripped us of trust, comfort and beaten us so bad we don't think we can forward and are left there for dead.

In Luke 10: 30-37 you'll read of a traveler that was robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead on the road. By chance a priest walked by....and kept walking. Then a Levite walked by...and kept walking. But a certain Samaritan came where he was and was moved with compassion and came to the traveler bound his wounds, set him on his animal taking him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he gave the host money to cover the costs and told the host whatever you spend beyond this I will repay upon my return.

I love how this one translation writes it as by chance a priest walked by, then the Levite then it changes it to but a certain Samaritan came where he was. We can put down the priest and the Levite and some will focus on the title priest and knock the church and whatnot. I'm not here to do that. I want to say a couple things. First, sometimes in life and our walk we have certain people that we think will surely be there for us, to come when we've been left for dead and we see them coming but they walk on by. Sometimes maybe because they don't know be it you got that good of a poker face or they just don't see it. Then you have others that you know well or just in passing and to be honest sometimes people want to us fall and fail and not make it for whatever of the many reasons that may be.

I once heard my (real) mom, in what was actually the first time I ever saw her, once say nothing in life just so happens, no coincidences, it's all God - even when we don't understand or see how it's all going to work out. They all 'by chance' walked by that traveler that day but a certain one was sent for that traveler. You can go through stuff and think well you are so and so you should stop why didn't you stop but I promise you there is a certain one that is meant to stop and help. Now for me and my beliefs and trust me it has taken me a long time to fully believe and understand that this does indeed apply to me but I know that God is always with me and never forsakes me. Does that mean that bad stuff will never happen to me? No. Does that mean that God is a terrible unloving God? No. In trying not to get into to much of my story I have felt alone for a majority of my walk in this road called life, I have had to face stuff on my own, pick myself up and walk best I could figure out - now I know what you're thinking I just said I know God is with me and never forsakes me. From certain circumstances in life that left me robbed, stripped, beaten and left for dead they left me thinking God hated me, that I was unworthy and unlovable and unwanted because if a certain person in my life up and left me, literally dropping me out of their life and others doing the same well I stayed on that road beaten, robbed, stripped, dying for a long time. In that time I faced stuff on my own because I wouldn't dare let anyone in and also because I never felt like I had anyone that I could go to, no one that came to me. But thanks be to God that I found out God loves me a mess like me and wants me and thanks to God that later in my adult life God sent certain people in my life. Those people that I won't name here but I pray I've thanked you enough and shown my gratefulness to you in person. But those people they saw me in the road and I'll always believe and know that God answered my prayer and they are my family. They took the time to help heal the wounds, they help me to see who I really am, they've taken me in to their home and let me rest and are okay that I call it my home now. They spend time with me, I get to laugh and have joy and peace and comfort and love. I have a home and a family.

I say that to say this we're not meant to or even able to save everyone we pass on this road called life that needs help. But I firmly believe that there are those in our paths that we are that travelers certain person that is meant to stop and help. To often we think it is going to take a long time, a lot of money and such to help. Or maybe you're like me and afraid to let people in. It's okay to but you take the steps you need to take to feel comfortable doing that and don't you let no one knock you for how long or the stride in those steps. Now back to the helping you see sometimes the bandaging of the wounds is as simple as a hug, including someone, saying thank you I appreciate you, or an I love you or just sitting with them while they are going through something. Sometimes the picking them up or taking them to an inn is spending time with them even if just sitting at the house just being there making them feel wanted. For me my biggest struggle now is feeling like a burden and I wonder if that traveler in any moment felt like a burden. He shouldn't have, I shouldn't and nor should you if you ever do. We're not a burden because God sent those people in our lives and no matter what your mind or mine is telling us they want us in their life. Because those lifetime people in your life God knits them in your life they ain't going no where. Those people that cross the road, dress your wounds, take you in they're not worrying about how dirty they get while picking you up and being there for you, they're not worried about recognition, they are just that certain ones that God sent along the way to be the ones that you've needed in your walk and to keep you company and encourage you and make sure you know that you're not alone.

So if you see someone along the road that looks beaten, robbed, stripped and left for dead and you have that inkling in your heart that you need to cross the road my prayer is that you listen and be it just sending a text, sitting with someone during a hard time, or whatever it is on your heart that needs to be done - no matter how small, simple or silly it may sound - I pray you do it today because that person may be the one that God is knitting in your life to be the mom, pop or child or friend that you've longed for for many years that will walk this road with you and help you. And if you're on the side of the road I pray that you don't give up that you know that there is a certain person(s) coming along that will stop and help and not leave (for those that God sends that are a lifetime, again some are just a season but those that are knitted in your life from God, don't be afraid to open up and let them in and let help it's okay). And may you know that God is always there and if you don't understand what you're going through, if it's hard talk to Him about it it's okay, you may find you pray that prayer that sends along the person(s) you've needed. Happened for me.

Time to go walking. Maybe we'll cross paths and if I'm meant to stop and help this round I promise to do my best and if you stop I promise to be forever grateful.

Island of Misfits

I thought I had written about this random thought before but I can't find it so I'm just going to go with I need to hear it again and thus potentially write it again.

Two of my favorite things about the animation of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was year after year seeing Yukon Cornelius and the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys. I absolutely love the spotted elephant and I always wanted to go the island because I felt like I would belong there. Yet I never understood why those toys was brought there. Each year they tried to convince me they belonged there because who wants a train with square wheels, or a Charlie-in-the-box, a spotted elephant, a water pistol that shoots jelly, a bird that swims...am I forgetting any, well you get the idea. And each year I would think but those things make you the best toys ever. Recently those toys and that island came to mind and like I do I got to over thinking and something came to mind.

To often we put ourselves on the Island of Misfits and we wait for so long thinking we won't ever get off the island and even that we don't deserve to get off the Island. When Hermey, Yukon and Rudolph crash into the island and realize what it is Hermey and Rudolph feel like they've finally found a place they can belong. Rudolph's feeling like he belongs is short lived because he feels like his nose that shines so bright will cause harm to those he has come to care about so he makes his way off by himself.

Oftentimes in life we get put on the Island of Misfits be it from something we went through, a cutting remark or two (or more) from someone that meant a lot to us or nowadays a troll on the internet, or many other reasons of things being said or done (or not done) that cause us to believe lies about ourselves. To many of us at one point, now or for entirely to long have probably felt unworthy, unchosen, like you don't belong, unlovable, maybe even a bother.

Sometimes we even feel like we have the wrong name. Charlie-in-the-box felt like he was a misfit because all Jack-in-the-boxes are supposed to be named Jack and who would want a Charlie-in-the-box. He thought his name is what made him what he was supposed to be. Why would anyone want a Charlie-in-the-box? To him it made no sense, no one has ever said oh I want a Charlie-in-the-box, he had to have the name Jack to be wanted to become who he was supposed to be. You may have a first name you hate and/or a last name that comes with a lot of baggage (those [insert last name] aren't anything but trouble, not a good one in the bunch). You may have even been given labels that have made you believe you aren't able to be who and/or what you want to be. Maybe you've been told you're to much or to little of something, been given the label of can't - sometimes we get told we can't be or do something so much we believe it so much that we don't ever even try cause why waste the time I can't do it anyway. What Charlie and many of us don't realize is our name is just part of us it doesn't define us. Charlie was the best and still to this date the only jack-in-the-box that I like. His name made him unique. He still was able to do exactly what he was meant to do and he was remembered more for it because he had a name that would be remembered. You may think you have the wrong name or even a name you hate don't let it keep you on the island because you have a name that deserves to be and will be remembered for the awesome thing(s) that make you who you are. And those labels that was put on you that aren't who you are how about you and I both start making an effort to mark those out and replace them one by one with labels of who we really are and what if we try one more time or for the first time in a long time to do that thing that's been on your heart for a long time.

Sometimes we are put on a shelf for so long that we feel forgotten, unworthy and unlovable. Many argue that the doll doesn't belong on the island but what makes her feel like a misfit isn't seen with the eye. So many of us are walking around with things that make us feel like a misfit that we cover with smiles, laughs and an I'm okay. Some of us in some way, shape, or form have had things happen to us that have made us feel rejected, abandoned, forgotten, unworthy, undeserving and/or unlovable. We have situations, illnesses that effect us and give us challenges that not everyone sees or understands, and we just feel like a misfit put on a shelf and forgotten about. For those in our lives that have struggles from things that have happened to them or from illnesses that cause challenges may we show and give them a little patience and extra love and whatever else they may need (each person has different individual needs, concerns, etc.). And perhaps you're like me and are backwards and unsure what to do for those people in your life to you maybe reach out and explain or say this is where you are now can you do or not do X,Y,Z....sometimes we all get in a hurry in this rat race of a life and maybe don't realize we are leaving you behind or doing something that is making things more difficult for you. And may we always find time to be there for those that are in our life and may we always have someone there for us when we need it. I say this so much but we truly don't know what a simple message of praying for you, love you, thank you, how are you, you're not alone, etc can truly mean and help someone. It doesn't take an all day thing or lots of money to take someone off the shelf and remind them they matter and be there.

With Rudolph he found a friend in Hermey and Yukon and truly loved them so much so that when his nose shone bright he felt like he was a bother and was going to cause them harm by unintentionally bringing the abominable snowman right to their door. So he left on his own, not telling anyone where exactly he was heading and felt he was safer by himself. At least this way he wouldn't be a bother. Me personally, I am notorious for feeling like I'm a bother to people and I have gotten so used to just doing things for myself by myself that I'm not the best at accepting or even asking for help. I'm not even good at understanding the concept of it's good to visit and I'm not a bother at visiting or spending time with people. It's a learning process for me so if you personally know me and I do this to you it's nothing personal at all and I do sincerely apologize I'm probably thinking I'm being a bother so I'm trying to step back - I'll be back or you can say what are you doing get back here if you see fit. Sometimes people think they are protecting others and/or themselves by going away and not being as present as they really want to be because they don't want to be a bother they don't want the abominable to find you cause of them. Sometimes people think they are a bother or are going to interfere and cause trouble even with other relationships and friendships you have and sometimes people may feel threatened by those other friendships and relationships so some to keep peace they think the best is to just step back or go away to try to keep peace but there's room and love for all kinds of different friendships and relationships and we need them all. And don't ever think you're a bother cause your nose shines bright and you are there or say thank you or love you to much (some days we need that more than we ever let anyone know) Don't hide or run away because you think you are a bother I promise nine times out of ten you aren't being a bother and you know what just ask - cause I have found that that jerk of a voice in my head loves to lie to me and make me think I'm to much or a bother or whatever so just ask and that way when you find out no you're not a bother then you have some fight back the next time that lie comes back again.

Lastly, one has to mention Yukon Cornelius he is the kind of person you want in your corner and the kind of person I hope to be in others corner. He didn't conform to what others said you needed or had to be or had to like. He was there for Hermey and Rudolph and I think he helped them see so much in themselves. Hermey and Yukon never stopped looking for Rudolph.

May we never stop looking be it for gold, silver, or that friend that seems to think they are a misfit and just don't belong and may we never ever fall in the trap that because we are different or have a defect based on the world that we don't belong or matter.The ones that was labeled misfits were never misfits they was some of the best toys a kid could have ever gotten.

The truth is...

Recently I had a memory come to mind of something that I heard repetitively at concert I went to a few years ago. You ever have those moments of you repeatedly see/hear a quote, verse, a theme of some sort and it finally gets to the point this isn't a coincidence what am I supposed to be getting from this. Back on that day and recently it in short  kept being brought up about tearing the walls down around your heart to let people and to let God in, just to be you. And that came to mind so vividly recently and I thought oh God am I trying to build the walls back up again or is there a part that I've not thrown away or is it a fear. I believe it was fear because just like while driving when I got to doing some soul searching if you will this time the light hit the shadows to expose the lies. I know someone and I've always said they've lied to themselves so much that they believe what they say and remember as truth. Sometimes that's done to live with the guilt, sometimes it's done unknowingly and it starts out even as a protection mode. Let me see if I can explain it and end up being a lot vulnerable to expose some of my truths or so I thought they were, maybe we'll find out we're not alone in these lies we for to long believed as truth. (Honest disclaimer I'm panicking and not even writing the truths yet, oh how I don't like to be this vulnerable and exposed and I will barely scrape the surface)

The truth is I'm not perfect. Simple enough truth right? No one is perfect - not even those that act like they are. The lie I for so long believed was I have to be perfect for people to love me, for people to not leave. I had to say the right thing or they'd be gone again and I don't know when I'd hear from them and it had to be my fault I let a little something slip of how I really felt of something that had happened. Well anyway, you get the point. That all was a lie. The truth is all that did was have me walking on egg shells and I've never been nor will I ever be perfect. I've got traits and habits that will annoy the daylights out of people, plenty that annoy myself. People are going to leave and it's not my fault. Most people are leaves or branches in our lives they may be there for a short time or some many years and then you have the roots those awesome people that God knits in your life that are your tribe. I just need to be myself because those that are meant to will love me faults and all - now that's not giving me a pass to be a jerk but those people know you, me us all are or should be always a work in progress finding out new things about ourselves getting rid of learned traits and habits. There is such a freedom in not searching for that perfect picture (with the filter added just in case) but in those moments and especially with your tribe that you can just be real and yourself. Those moments you can share that picture with and have the inside jokes and just enjoy the moments with them.

The truth is I'm worthy - of love, happiness, joy - to receive and to give. I have probably caused a lot of unintentional hurt and got called some names because I built a wall that I would only let you in so far you tried to get further sorry got to shut that down because you come that close then you'll leave and that's a hurt I can't and don't know how to deal with and don't want to anymore. That was the lie to keep me from being loved and giving the love that I felt for others and it made me feel guilty for being happy and laughing and enjoying life. But the truth is laughter really is the best medicine and I like my obnoxious laugh/snort - not enough people have heard it. The truth is there is a freedom in being loved and loving back and in the moments of joy and happiness.

The truth is the past is in the past for a reason, don't live there. It didn't really have much for me while I was there so why visit it especially the not so good moments. Oh sure sometimes we got to look back to see how far we've made it and visit with those good memories. But the hurts, the people that caused those hurts, the walls - all that's in the past. If I live in those moments I'm giving control to the hurts and to those people to others and that's not a life, not much of an existence. So I'll hold on to and cherish any good memory I may have but I'm living in the now and going to make memories and spend time with the ones that are here for me and in my life and enjoy the moments I have with them and the adventures I get to have.

The truth is I'll have a bad day and slip into those lies. I recently heard Mariska Hargitay give an interview and in it she said in her twenties she felt herself having emotions and thoughts and such pertaining to the death of her mom and she had a really again kind of moment and she went to therapy and said we're taking care of this. First she is an amazing person and talented actress but I respected that honest moment she shared. Some days it may get bad but thankfully I can generally catch when I was walking and not paying attention and am now face to face with that lie. Used to I think I'd just let it take me by the hand and lead me further away but nowadays I do so much better at spotting them sometimes far enough ahead that I can avoid that route but when I come face to face I don't let it take my hand and I sometimes with a shaking voice speak the truth to destroy it and sometimes I don't even listen and keep walking forward. There have been moments where I feel myself trying to push away and that little lie tries to whisper it's ugliness. I've learned that they rear their ugly head when I'm closest to a victory and they get scared. The lies don't want me to see who I really am and what all I can and am going to do. The lies aren't going to stop me. They may trip me I won't say that but they won't stop me. A bad day or a mistake doesn't mean I'm over with I'm a failure or I'll never make and please never ever believe that lie cause that's what it is. A bad day is just that a bad day, a moment - let me refer you back to the you're not perfect truth.

The truth is I'm going to make it - the truth is I have already made it so far and I'm going to keep going forward. The lies said I'd never, ever be where I am now or have the people in my life that I do. The lies was afraid and didn't want me to get this far so they did whatever they could to keep me in the pit but thank God I made it to the palace.

There are more truths and maybe I'll mention them another time but I want to end with the one that may mean the most to me because it includes people that mean so very much to me.

The truth is I don't have to do this alone and I'm not.  First I very much need to thank God for getting me to this point and not giving up on me. I thank God for saving me (my soul yes but my life too because I was in a very bad place) and I thank God for the people that He has knit in my life so I don't have to do this alone (yes I know God is always with me and I'm thankful for that). The journey to get to where I am now has been a long one and not easy - I will never wish or say I want to go back - but if it took that journey to meet the people that are in my life now then it was worth it. There are a few they are my tribe, they are my family that God bless them they saw something in me and that I was worth their time and to have in their life that they had patience but also pushed through those walls and doors. They sit with me, they take the time to explain things to me to help me navigate, they're right there with me to face things, they laugh with me, they spend time with me. they love me enough to correct me and they love me flaws and all. To each of you I most sincerely thank you for making my life better because it truly has become better with you all in it and I hope each of you know how grateful I am for you and that I love you all.

So the truth is none of us have it completely together every day and that's okay.

Family (or a better title that will make you want to read this)

I recently heard someone say something along the lines of we don't know what season someone is in and in this life we will go through many seasons. They say that you are in one of three places getting ready to go through a storm, in a storm or getting out of  a storm. Then there is me and I don't know where I am but I know it's time to put off writing this post wherever it leads to.

I recently heard a story of a man in Wisconsin that passed away and unbeknownst to the people in his community he had a small fortune (half a million to be exact) and he didn't have a wife or children so in his will he had it that the money was to be equally divided between those that attended his funeral. There was a total of 270 people that showed up and signed that little book and pay their last (or maybe first) respect to this gentleman. They had no idea by signing that paper they was going to end up just a little over 1,800 dollars richer. They didn't care. They said that the man had a list of how he wanted to live his life and on it was a life that God would be pleased with and to have true friends to be less lonely. Some of the people described him as a loner. I sometimes think we misuse that word but I may get into that later. I think that was a man that I would have liked to have called friend and no not cause he had a half a million dollars but because in a little over two minute segment I learned a lot from this man and the people that showed up one last time for him. How many times any of those 270 people was there for this gentleman in the years they were acquainted and how many times he was there for them I don't know. He owned a dry cleaning business so who knows maybe just a simple hello from him when someone brought something in when they was having the Monday-est Monday in the history of Mondays helped someone and they never forgot that. Here's what I do know there's not a price we can put on what it means to someone to be there for them, to show a little kindness, to let them know in this jacked up, hectic, sometimes downright mean world we live in you know what I see you, you're not alone, here let me help you carry this heavy bag of worry, hurt, fear, doubt, loneliness....my goodness can I just have a sidestep to that to live in a world full of so many ways to talk to people or have interactions with people we are living in a lonely time. Y'all can we please just take a minute - you can even literally make it just a minute - to reach out to someone today. If you're able to see whoever comes to mind then throw in a hug too would you? I was reading an excerpt from a devotional the other day on hugs and touch and how in America they watched people for an hour to see how many times the people touched each other - it was 2 times there was other countries that they touch over 100 times. Now I know you need to respect people and there are various things to consider in just those moments of having an oh did you know moment and touching their arm or me when I get extremely tickled about something and hit you on the arm. But I also know the importance of touch and hugs. There's something about that that lets you know that you're seen, you're not alone. I've been sitting by my mom before and in my own little world and she'd pat me on the leg or back and that little gesture meant a lot which I guess may sound weird or dumb and you're thinking well it's your mom you've had that your whole life - I've had it for the years that God chose her as my family and put her in my life but growing up no didn't really have that not a lot. And here would be a good moment to go on to my second thought for this post

Family is important - very important- there's no denying that. There's two things that I think people don't like to talk about and may not even agree with if you don't that's okay. That's that your given family can be toxic and that you can have a chosen family. Growing up or even in adulthood you've probably had someone say so and so isn't a very good friend, they're toxic you need to stay away from them. Family can be toxic too. So if you have to limit your time around a person that cause of a family tree has a label of mom, dad, brother, sister, etc and  someone says but that's your family please don't let that condemn you. Some people we have to love from a distance and/or limited time and sometimes those people are our given family. Don't go back or stay around someone that's toxic because someone that may not even know all or part of the story says well that's your family and please if that family has done something to you and you know you've forgiven them and you know you got to limit or are waiting on the right time to even remotely let them back in your life don't let that lie of you've not forgiven them or you'd have them in your life trip you up. You can forgive and not have them constantly in your life or at all. I don't understand it that if it's a friend we don't even say anything we usually just say well sometimes we outgrow people or nothing at all we don't even question if you've really forgiven them. My own personal opinion but family can be toxic and you can forgive and love and still limit the time you are around them.

Now before I get to that second part of family - our chosen family - let me have a little side stop. Don't let the toxic family or things that happened keep you in a story that was only meant to be a chapter. I spent well over half of my life living a story and being stuck in a story that was only a chapter. Trust me I am not taking away or making light that those chapters are hard, difficult and can about take you out of this world or make you want out. I won't even say it's easy to get out of the chapters or that those memories, fears, people won't try to take you back to those chapters because there is going to be people in your life that don't want you to see your story through to see what an awesome story you have to fulfill. Again sometimes that's given family and sometimes it's friends. Don't let an event or person write your story when it's only meant to be a chapter. Sure things are going to happen and you're going to change, you're going to grow and you're going to move forward - you're not staying in that pit.In grief they say there is a you before and after the heart wrenching see you later we have to tell our loved ones. I agree and in many ways you may never fully get back to the you before. That's okay. But you will become you again you will just move on to a different you. You'll still laugh, have joy and make great memories granted it's a chapter and new chapters that you don't ever want to have to go through but you'll always carry those loved ones with you. many things in life are like that there's a before and after. Sometimes when bad things happen we're afraid to move on or don't know how and we even feel guilty. The next chapter may not be one we wanted to face yet or it may not be written when or how we had envisioned but baby you got a story to tell and you got some awesome things left to do in your story. You ain't in that pit anymore and you are moving forward and I can't wait to see what all your story has in story. I'm rooting for you.

Now our chosen family. Many of us didn't/don't have a mother or father figure, didn't have a sibling or don't have a relationship with yours, or maybe you don't have a given child but longed to have one. Many of us long for that we want a mom that will be our best friend a dad that we can go fishing with or a sibling we can have inside jokes with and go do something silly to get into or a child to love and help grow and see the world from their view. I specifically remember asking God would I ever have a mom, a motherly influence. See when I'd think/hope and even finally get the nerve to pray about it in my head I would hear why would anyone want you to call them mom and see you as their daughter. But the last time I asked God about it with those lies still loud in my mind I asked God will I ever know is there someone, I don't know how you have it written with my given family and I don't know but if there's even anyone that would be okay with me seeing them as my mom if they'd be okay seeing me as their daughter but God if it's not meant to be however you have it written can you take this ache and want away especially if it's not meant for me to have a mom figure. With that way to much insight into my story being said I've met people over the last fourteen years that have truly become family I call them my chosen family because I truly believe God put them in my life and gave them to me to be my family and I probably don't tell them near enough but I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to call them family and they let me intrude on their life. I had to wait a long time to meet my chosen family but I'm thankful that I have them now and I'll forever call them family. Some people can be in our lives for all of our life and they may have a title but there are some that you meet in what seems like a just so happens scenario and you hope that's not the last time you see them because they have already made such an impact on your life. If I named people I could specifically name four people that God just dropped in my life all right when I needed them and was even questioning God will I have this kind of person in my life and it took me awhile to accept that I was allowed this and they do want me in their life and their not going anywhere and their perfectly okay that I call them my family. Sometimes people come into our lives as friends but they become so much more they become a sister, mom, pop - they become our chosen family and I thank God for them.

So in closing don't wait until your signing your name in one of those books to let people know what they mean, to just be there for them and however you got the family you have and though it may have taken a long time to have them in your life let's not get to busy trying to make the perfect post to get the likes, hearts and laughs on social media that we forget to give the hugs, laughs and time to those in our life.

Battle Cry

This is a post I will want to delete as soon as I share it because it is going to make me feel vulnerable and probably repetitive! Let's get this over with.

I've been in a battle - spiritual, mental I don't know what label  it would have but it's been a battle. Earlier this week I was driving in my car, crying trying to pray but to be honest I just felt like it wasn't getting no where close to God's ear and I said out loud it would just be easier if it was all over and I knew then just how bad this battle had gotten and I had to fight come hell or high water I had to fight like my life depended on it cause it very well may have. Oh this isn't a post to give you five points of say this, read this and it's all good. Nope just a post of a quiet girl that still doesn't have very much figured out but will hold on for dear life to the truths I know and have learned and continue to learn some days are just hard sometimes the a-ha! moment doesn't show up when I need or want it to or how - we don't really talk much about that do we. See all my life I lived in my head in my own little world it was safer there and I thought for things to get better and safer for me to be able to tear the walls down and put some doors in to let people inside it could never be because of what was needed and what I wanted just didn't seem likely to ever happen but if I'm honest I was wrong on all accounts and the answer sure didn't show up how I thought it would. Can I say we're quick to tell people to not be like anyone else or worry about what others think and I agree but I at least am one that I must let go and quit holding on to these preconceived ideas of this is how certain things should work out and if not well there's something wrong with me or well this will never happen because it wasn't said or done just like this. Careful my friend I think a wall was just trying to be built back up and we're not going backwards but only forward. Now let me get to some good things yes even the kick I gave myself because sometimes listen kicks aren't fun getting your toes stepped in hurts a little but they move us forward or should - I mean you can sit there and sulk and throw you a pity party if you want to but I'll limp with the pain and move forward thankful I am loved enough to be told enough, or you're wrong, it's time to get out of your comfort zone.

So here's a few thoughts I had I'm not even sure it goes with any of this.

I recently had to go somewhere and the person gave me directions. Well I missed the turn time and time again. Finally I pulled in a parking lot and said I am not dumb I may not be smart but I know I can find this. If I would quit focusing on the voice that says I'm going to mess up so much that I miss half of the directions and focus on the person giving the directions I may not miss the turn. To me that's like life it's even like how I see myself. I mean first I miss out or have missed out on so much because of those good pals fear and doubt fear tells me I'll make the wrong turn be it driving or the wrong turn in a decision in life or even in something as simple as a conversation and doubt is right there saying you aren't going to make it I doubt they even care or listened, I doubt that anyone will read this and if they do they'll talk about you (fear had to add it's two cents in), etc. But you see there's another voice that says I will mess up but it's okay because I still matter, I'm still worthy and oh yeah I still very much am an overcomer. If I focus on the truth on the voice giving me the directions fear and doubt will show up to try to knock me down but if I hold on to the truth if I get back up or just pull into a parking lot and say wait a minute this is taking me the wrong/long way stop, let's get it together I can make this I will win and I am not giving up.

Now second thought this one is funny and just hit me. So I have curly hair if you don't know me and there's a science to taming the beast or trying to. I washed my hair and was waiting on that perfect time for it to not be to wet or to dry to put the fixings on it to tame the beast. Y'all I got sidetracked like I so often do and didn't put anything on it. I wouldn't tell this except I went out to eat with some family and didn't think nothing of it the whole time until I got back and was like oh my word I did nothing to my hair I bet it looks awful - by some miracle it didn't. But in my weird way of putting pieces of puzzles together in my head it reminded me how to often we put on masks - I have to wear this mask for this person or they will leave or they will see me get frustrate or see me vulnerable can't have that wear the mask...tonight I didn't put anything on my hair but I didn't wear a mask either. There was no worry of oh no my hair isn't what it is supposed to be, and there wasn't even no mask of oh no don't say this or that. I don't know about my hair but myself realized the freedom there is of no masks. I was me, my quiet annoying self and it was great and guess what they still love me.

The third thing also deals with the dinner with my family. If I go out to eat with you and I think you're going to pay I am going to tell a secret that's not really a secret on myself - I'll never get what I want I will get the cheapest thing because I don't want people to spend their money on me, spend it on you (lots of lessons I'm learning on that, one being be it food, time or another gift I don't want to knock anyone out of their blessing to do something for me just as I don't want people to tell me or not let me help them or take them out to eat or whatever is on my heart to do). So in thinking they may actually let me pay - to be fair I asked all along to let me pay I wanted to do that for them - they never answered so I was fairly certain I'd have to figure out a way to get the ticket/check before they did when the server brought it - but point, if there is one is that they saw something that I liked and said now we know if you order something else what you're doing basically. Again weird roundabout way to get to this but if I wear a mask or if I don't tell my story or shorten the answer to something as simple as what's you're favorite (insert what you like here) because I'm afraid I may get excited and ramble to long or laugh to loud or whatever. I'm giving them the chicken fingers platter when I want the ribs or steak or whatever - anything but the chicken. 


So whatever battle you may be facing please hold on and I am so glad you are still here and am proud of the fighter you are first and foremost. This week I've learned a lot, cried  possibly enough to end the drought but I won a lot and I lost too - and oh how glad I am that I lost. Yes I'm glad I lost a battle because I lost things that were just a hindrance, lost some fears and doubts and silly ideas of how things had to be and if they wasn't that meant I wasn't winning or moving forward but I won laughter and freedom and joy. Sometimes our battle cry may not be loud but shout it anyway because it may be the one to knock that stronghold down for the count and give you that victory.