Can I tell you a secret? I'm not okay and I'm running and hiding. Can I tell you another secret? Maybe it's okay to not be okay. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm not staying in this pit of lies that is telling me that I am such a failure, look at you falling and stumbling again you'll never get anywhere. Lies are such bullies aren't they? But I'm also not going to write this and act like everything is okay, I'm tired of pretending - that pit of pretending I'm perfect and I'm okay and using those wonderful little catch phrases while inside and by myself I'm crying asking God what is wrong with me...oh everything in me wants to delete that because someone will read it and say what kind of Christian am I for feeling like this or struggling or even have a bad day. I'll tell you - a forgiven and very much loved by God - He's my heavenly Father that loves me enough to say okay it's time to take my hand and get up again quit beating yourself up for fallen you asked for forgiveness I've forgiven you, now forgive yourself, He loves to spend time with me and hear about my day and my struggles and my steps forward, God loves me enough to say I know you may not like this and think it's not fair but this isn't good for you trust Me, He loves me enough to say wait and He loves me enough to say it's okay to not be okay here baby girl cry on my shoulder I promise I'll see you through this storm.
And as many a preacher will say that wasn't in my notes!
I recently got to see We Are Messengers in a concert that I just so happened to find out about (it was totally a God wink, as I heard someone call it and as my mom once said there is no such thing as coincidences, God has a reason for you meeting those people or in this case being at this show). In one part of the show Darren was talking how his wife says he stretches out his t-shirts because any time he talks about God holding on to him he will grab hold and pull on his shirt. I don't know about you but I felt like many times God has taken a hold of my shirt and grabbed me and kept me from falling off of a cliff into a not so good situation. You know what else is great, when I didn't listen and got myself in a mess God grabbed a hold of my shirt and helped lift me up out of that pit. A couple weeks ago I found myself in a mess and it's all cause I didn't listen to God and the people that God has placed in my life to be my family and to help me in this walk. This not listening got me in a place with any option I had didn't seem good and all I wanted was to get back home. I was talking to my mom (one if you are reading this hope you are okay with me writing that or any of this and also isn't it awesome that God gives us family and people that will love us and be there for us) but she said that whatever I did that her and pop would love me no matter what. Now if you don't know me I have a terrible time trusting people and even more so not being afraid that people aren't going to leave me but thankfully that's gotten so much better. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me because it let me know that she and pop will love me even when I make dumb mistakes or don't listen and it unintentionally helped me see that God is like that - He loves me even when I mess up. So don't get upset when God grabs you by the shirt because He may be keeping you from falling off of a cliff and always know He'll grab you and get you out of any pit you may be in (and though it may not feel like it He's right there with you).
Have you ever felt like you needed to tell someone something, or give them a hug, or just do something with them (if anyone ever would like to get the notion that they would like to take me fishing so I can finally say I got to go fishing, that would be great!)? This happens to me a lot but to be perfectly honest I let my fears and doubts usually win and don't do what I should. I lose out on letting someone know how I feel and also they may need that seemingly simple pointless couple of sentences or that hug because we don't know what people are struggling with. In every We Are Messenger show he has a part where you hold the hand of the person(s) next to you and he says the person that you are holding hands with you don't know what they may be going through, how broken hearted they may be, the doubts fears and storms they are going through. Anyway, it just so happened that at the end of the show that Darren was going to be signing and meeting with anyone that wanted to meet with him. This is one of my favorite groups and I have wanted to meet him just to tell him how much God has used his music and what he says in his shows to help me and my walk with God. As it was I never got the chance any other time I have seen him. This night, though I felt I very much needed to stay and see if I could meet him. Not cause what I have to say is important or even matters but I had that nudge that I needed to (speaking from experience of not paying attention to that nudge, always, I repeat ALWAYS pay attention and listen to that nudge). Anyway, so I didn't know what I was going to say or even if he would hear me. I'm not even going to say what I told him cause I don't want it to come across as me bragging but I think I said what I was supposed to. I will tell you a couple things he said (not to brag, one of them is just funny especially if you know me and know the never ending jokes about me being quiet). So one thing was when I started talking he said wow you're softly spoken (I am convinced the bottle with volume was mislabeled when God created me and somehow it got switched with the tears so I got just a dollop of volume and a whole bottle of tears and crying very easily when I'm happy, sad, mad, etc.). He and everyone else that has ever said it is right I am quiet but though I am quiet I have a lot to say I'm just going to have to be a bit creative in how I say it and how I am heard. Though I am quiet I have a lot to say and I have a roar that will be heard one day. You know it's okay that I'm quiet but I think I'm going to make a big impact and I will always be known as that quiet girl but that's not all I will be known for.
Last thing and really the only reason I meant to write about and why I started to write this post. When I was talking to Darren obviously I'm trying to hurry cause he has a line of people still waiting to talk to him and such but I said what I did and was getting ready to leave and he said Can I give you another hug I don't know when (or if) I will see you again. And yes for the record I do not mind hugs, I am a hugger I just haven't gotten to where I can give hugs (it's funny cause it is true, I always say if I could figure out how to give hugs I know good and well I'd be a hugger). That got me thinking how true that is for us all and I probably won't ever get to meet him again or if I'm fortunate enough to who knows when that will be and I'm sure he won't remember me. Here's the thing though- may we never wait to tell someone something, may we never be afraid to give just one more hug, may we always listen to that nudge to say, listen or so something with someone. And give that extra hug. I have a couple of people that I'm sure they have caught on that when I ask for a hug I got a little bit much going on my mind but it's also because they give the best hugs ever and it's one of those hugs that reminds me I am loved.
So today can I remind you that you matter, that whatever storm you are facing please hang on because today may be the day you feel the tug on your t-shirt to pull you the rest of the way through the storm or at least to hold on to you so that you don't drown, you may not see it or believe it but you are strong enough to get through this, and if you need a hug I'm sending you a great big hug and love ya (because though I think showing it can mean more and there are plenty of ways to show it sometimes we just need to hear or see it in writing)
