To publish or not...that is the question

I recently finished rewriting the story that I thought I had finished back in November, so I guess I should use the term finished very loosely. Anyway, so far I've given a copy of it to two people to read  and I kind of feel like I'm back in school waiting to see what kind of grade I'll get on a report I worked really hard on. I was told by one person it should be published (I just gave the other person a copy of it last night so she hasn't had time to say anything yet), but I'm fairly sure that she was just being really, really nice about it. Although it did get me thinking (again) about looking into self publishing my poems and the two stories I have written. I've gone back and forth on it so many times in just the past few days that I'm just going to have to force myself to quit thinking about it before it drives me crazy. I just don't think my writing are that good or even something others would like to read but I do seem to be my own worst critic. My problem seems to be that I always think when people read something I have written and say it's good I automatically think they are just saying that to be nice and not hurt my feelings and I'm not sure how to completely get out of that mindset. I have posted a couple of my poems/writings on here and on Facebook which is a step I suppose. Obviously, not every one is going to like every thing I write, whatever it may be, which is fine. All I can keep thinking is I want to do more with my writing, at least improve it if nothing else. It's not like I want to make a career, or side career with writing but I....uh, this not thinking about it is already proving to be very hard. I must be off to try to find this off switch to my thinking

What is normal?

 Why do we always think we know what normal is and are constantly trying or thinking people should become that and if not there is something really wrong with them?  I've always had mixed feelings about  being that quiet, shy girl but most days I don't think I'd change if there was a magic button to push to make me however I think would be better. I actually like a lot of the things that people seem  to want to try and mae me change, like talking. It's not like I don't know how to talk or don't want to talk to people, with the exception of a few topics, I just don't particularly like to talk. Plus there are some people that it's easier to talk to than others. Some times I'd like to return the question of why don't you talk more with why don't you listen more because it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to people. Always makes me wonder where that book is that states what normal is. Wouldn't that be an interesting book, to say the least, if there was a book that had every one's definition of what a normal person is. Kind of makes me wonder how people would define normal if I was to ask them. I think to often we keep our definition of normal to constricted and perhaps that based on each persons comfort zone. Good example may be, I get really nervous and anxious around people that are really loud, have to get up in my personal bubble when talking or in other words the opposite of me but because being around them makes me have to get out of my comfort zone can I rightfully say that they aren't normal? I don't think so but I think if one was to honestly take a look at the list of the people they put in their not normal list it is mostly because they are people that make you have to be outside your comfort zone if you are around them. Looks like I'm going to have to add the question what is normal to my list of questions that will never be fully and truthfully answered. My normal may be abnormal to others but I like it and I don't think it is causing any harm to others and at the end of the day I think that's what's most important.

Just typing to be typing

I guess  I wasn't quite out of stuff to write about - so I just deleted my last post and will see how long my current thoughts last to make this post. Have you ever heard a song and thought, that would make such a great story for a book? One time I saw a picture that said something along the lines of  'why read when you can get the story in 3 minutes,' but that is just more of a reason to read a book in my opinion. I also think that most of my favorite songs are ones that tell a story. There's a song by Dolly Parton called Mountain Angel and it's one of my favorite songs that tell a story, she actually has a lot of songs that I like because they tell such great stories even if they some times are sad. I figure life isn't always perfect and happy so why have a song list that is, plus you got to have a song for any occasion that might come up in life to help you get through it when there is no friend to talk to. I often wonder what it is about music that, at least for me, the more I like the song the louder I tend to turn it up. Some thing about that just adds to it being even better, or maybe I just want to every one else to hear it so they can see how great of a song it is. If you think about it music and writing go hand in hand though. So often I've read or heard authors that say they listen to certain music while writing to help inspire them and such. Perhaps even some of the books I've read have came about because of a song the author heard. All I know for certain is that my life would be very dull and boring if I couldn't listen to my music, honestly sometimes that's the only way I can get how I really feel out, and I definitely don't know what I could do if I couldn't escape reality for a bit and go to another place and/or time while I go read a book for awhile. I think just like when a book is good and I finish it I want to know more about the characters I feel the same way in songs that tell stories, those three minutes or so just aren't enough. Or maybe all of this proves that I need to get a life.

Keeping My Faith

I’ve heard it so many times when people get done wrong in every scenario one can think of they will say, ‘That’s it I’ve lost my faith in God.” I would lean towards you didn’t have much faith in Him to begin with, if you get mad from reading that than I know you didn’t. Not to mention that I’ve been there, done that…they was sold out of the T-shirt or I would have an abundance of them. Now I’m finally getting a better understanding of what it really means to have faith in God and not just religion. I recently saw a billboard that had religion wrote out but the -igion section was crossed out and had -ationship wrote above that so that the word said relationship instead of religion. Anyway, back to the losing faith in God thing, for so long I’ve focused on people and the things they do to me - positive and negative- and depending on how that went I would be thanking or hating God. It’s a warped way of thinking about God really and thankfully I finally got the real meaning and understanding of who He is. Now I get that people are going to abuse you, betray, disappoint, use you, talk about you but I can’t judge all the negatives people do and think every one is like that. I believe that every one is in a persons life for a certain amount of time, short or for a lifetime, for a reason and some times with those negative people they are there to make you a stronger and better person. Whether they knowingly say or do those things are not it is being done solely to tear you apart and keep you down so you can’t see your true potential. For every negative person there is, or should be,  a person that will be positive and will help you without expecting anything in return, listen when you need to vent, or is there to laugh with for those inside jokes that only you all get. There is a quote that is attributed to C.S. Lewis that states, ‘Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:  “What! You too? I though I was the only one.” It’s those kinds of people that really matter and should make up the majority of the people you have dealings with in your life. Whoever you encounter you shouldn’t blame God and say you’re done with faith in Him. From every thing I truly believe and understand about God I know he loves me unconditionally and although I’ve had to face things in my life that I would’ve preferred not to I know it’s not God’s fault and that it only made me be the person I have eventually become and actually helped me. I, nor anyone else, can get out of this life unscathed by something that will haunt you, or scar you to a certain degree. What matters is how will you let those scars define you. I’m not saying be so naïve and trust and believe every one and it’s always going to be happy, skipping through life singing a song like you came straight from a Disney movie but I am saying  be careful how high a standard and how much you lean on others because they can fail you, they are only human - not Superman or some invincible perfect being. That is one thing we are all alike on no matter race, age, height or weight - we all will falter. So if you have to do the blame game for something that happened in your life don’t blame God or lose faith in Him because of others, He doesn’t force them or make them act like that a bit more than He makes you make the choices you do. Personally, I think it’s best if you can avoid the blame game for to long, it really doesn’t help any one. Call them out for their wrong but don’t wear out your welcome in the blame game corner, at least for me personally it has kept me in that negative part of my life way longer than I should have been. There is another quote that is by C.S. Lewis that I think sums it all up pretty well and I like to think this is perhaps what’s going on when I have to deal with difficult situations and those times that make me wonder if there is any hope for human kind.

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.:
- C.S. Lewis


Perhaps if you read this you have a different idea of God or not even believe in Him at all, if so that is your choice, my idea and opinion of God may be wrong but this is how I see Him and that’s how I will continue to, I’m getting to that point in my life that I won’t apologize for my beliefs. I’m not writing this blog to force anything on any one, it is solely written as my outlet to clear a little space in my head with absolutely no intention of it even being read. If you do take the time to read it, thanks, hopefully you get something out of it, or at least won’t jump to conclusions and opinions without trying to really see what I’m attempting to say. And no I’m not always a happy, think positive, every thing goes right kind of person. I know life can throw things at you that really ain’t fair and make you start to question. That’s where you find yourself at a fork in the road of life and have to decide which you want to take - it’s all your choice though. So often things are only half listened to or read and the rest is filled in with what we want to fill in the blanks with to make it be what we want it to be. And as Forest Gump said, that’s all I have to say about that

Change

I think one of the hardest things to do is take a honest look at yourself because sometimes it's not fun what you see about yourself, whether it's physical, spiritual, or emotional. I guess in a way if you have a problem area in one of them it can in some way, shape, or form affect all of the other areas in your life.I'll be honest I feel like I have a long list of things that I want to change and/or work on. Some I'm fairly certain I'm holding the standards at an unbelievably hard and unattainable level for myself or anyone to ever achieve. However, for the last couple of months or so I've been slowly trying to focus and improve at least one area in my life and that is to become healthier and get in a better shape. I've heard it said and have even said it myself of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sometimes feel like it takes getting to that point before you can finally make up your mind that it's time to make some changes and helps you stick with that goal. I think it's helping me because I'm not doing this or any of the other things I'm trying to work on for anyone else but me. I am my own worst critic and enemy which can make it hard but it can also push me, whereas if I was doing it for someone else and they tried to push me by some thing they thought was being helpful it may just further frustrate me and help me decide this was a bad idea. Or put another way I'd just use it as an excuse to quit. At least this getting older thing is helping me get my priorities right and figure out what's really important and what counts in life. I realize this about myself because countless times before I've tried this getting in better physical shape countless times before and give up in no time (as in a week or two). Now, I'm slowly seeing results physically and mentally about myself and I'm happy about that. Perhaps it's even helping me with having better patience. Whatever it is I'm thankful and for not being a big fan of change I'm looking forward to a better change in me.

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All last week it seemed to be raining every time I looked out of the window or happened to go outside. I personally like the rain and it only minimally started to bother me after a week or so of it. Besides apparently the storms brought along some more rainbows that I didn't personally see but I saw the pictures on Facebook. I've been enjoying it because it's not been near as hot as it usually is and can get around here this time of year. With an equal part of sarcasm and truth-ism I put on Facebook that  we were running out of things to talk about so God said, 'Let it rain so they can have something to talk about.' so it rained and we talked. I think there are some people that would never talk if they couldn't talk about the weather. It has saved me in starting a conversation countless times over, not to mention it has been the subject of many of my posts on here. Anyway, after reading countless status updates and hearing it in person of people complaining about the rain every one finally got what they had been wanting --- a beautiful sunny day. I took advantage of it and went up to the Arboretum and walked around to kill a little time in between church yesterday. Thankfully, I'm still on this kick where all I want to do is be outside and walk around. It seems to calm me down, help me clear my thoughts, and gets me some exercise - all of which I need. I've noticed that it even helps me not even think at all if that makes sense - it somehow takes my focus off of all the unnecessary thoughts and forces me to focus on the beauty of the nature around me. I don't know why I suddenly got on this kick of wanting to appreciate and enjoy these little things more than I probably ever have but I sure am glad and thankful that I am. The only thing it costs me is slowing down and taking the time to appreciate and truly look at it and as cheesy as it sounds I always see something that makes me stop and smile.

Storms

The other day I was driving back home from seeing a movie and it was easy to see that a storm was a-coming, as Sophia from the Golden Girls would say. So I got in my car, getting hit by a few drops of rain, and started my journey back home. I had good timing in leaving because I stayed just enough ahead of the storm that I didn't get caught in it but I could see it behind me in the rear view mirror. I realize this doesn't seem like much to write about but I had a bit of an epiphany that day. Generally speaking, most people don't particularly like it when storms are in the forcast or you look up in the sky and see it begin to darken. With this particular storm it left me absolutely stunned at how beautiful the sky looked with the dark clouds rolling in. I realize that probably sounds strange because usually if people say the sky looks beautiful it is at least on a sunny day not when a storm is about to come. Kind of like life, we never say the metaphorical storm we're having to go through  is beautiful but when things are going good we can see the beauty around us. The farther I drove I kept looking back in my rear view mirror and continued to be in awe of what I was seeing. I also saw the clouds getting closer. Here's where I probably got thinking a little to much. Just like I can't always out drive the storms, I can't always stay away and run from the storms of life, but both can be beneficial if we can hang on for the ride and wait it out. I don't think one can truly appreciate the beauty of a sunny day or when you get good news if you don't have to go through a storm every now and then. It doesn't mean that it's going to be fun but occasionally you can even find something good and/or beautiful to focus on even in the storm, just like the amazing artistry of the clouds in the sky that I saw that evening. I realize this can be a lot easier when it's concerning the storms that involve rain, thunder and lightening instead of the ones we face in life. Of the two storms I prefer to face the weather storms instead of life storms, it's much easier to always know how to make the right decision to stay safe in the weather storms. Some times there can just be way to many roads to take to figure out what is the right one when you are in a life storm. I figure with either one you can't spend all of your time looking in the rear view mirror or you'll never get out of either one.