A Rambling I Will Go

I may be wrong, but I think every one at some time or another has dreamt of what it would be like to be another person, perhaps walking in the footsteps of a famous public figure. I imagine that's why those fortunate enough to have the gift to portray others get into acting so they, for a little while, can become someone else. I wasn't blessed with that kind of talent but I do have an exceptional love of reading and that is how I become someone else and travel to many different places and time periods. I must be honest and admit for awhile I had lost the enjoyment I so often got from reading but thankfully the past few books I've found to read have brought back my appreciation and want to read. Not to mention it has kept me away from television, at least until the new season of Castle begins, so that's a positive thing. The only bad thing is when reading a good book I become torn because I want to rush back to the characters and see what happens next but then I don't because I know it will be over all to soon. If you read this blog much at all it is no secret how these last few books have really got me thinking, if that's good or bad is still debatable. I've not finished the current book, To Know Her By Name (by Lori Wick), but I just had to try to sort through my thoughts and try to write. I love this book  because the main female character is quiet, clumsy, and keeps people at arm's length, much like myself. In the book Callie, or Pup, is clumsy but only when she is herself. See Pup works for the treasury department as a spy and when she takes on a new persona for her job she isn't clumsy. She even has to use this at times when she's not on the job. Now to what the book got me thinking about. I think that just like Callie we sometimes have to put on a different persona and clothes to not show certain sides of ourselves and it all can depend on who we are around or even due to circumstances surrounding us at the time. I find it a bit fascinating how we can, even at times unknowingly, put on these different facades around people. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism or our way of being who we think the other person sees us as. Some people of course do it to hide who they really are, whether it's because they really are a bad person trying to not let it show or because the person is afraid to let others see the real them for fear of rejection, ridicule, etc. Just like in the book Callie is beginning to wonder if her job is worth not being able to trust people and having to keep them at a distance I can't help but wonder if we are putting on these facades without fully seeing or understanding the possible consequences. I know certain people I get more quiet around all the while I'm so desperately wanting to talk to them. Being clumsy, well I'm just starting to claim the ability to trip on air as a talent and go with that. Like Callie, I've gotten to the point I just go on like nothing happened when I trip on that invisible high place on the floor. I don't think there is nothing wrong with having different ways to interact with people, just like there is a time and place to act a certain way there are many different ways to interact with people but when does it cross the line of becoming someone you really aren't? I think that's what's important to know and understand about oneself. I may be quiet and clumsy but that is the real me, granted, if you pick a select few subjects I'm more talkative but still quiet and always clumsy.  I won't say I don't or haven't put on facades around people because if nothing else I have when I would put on my I'm okay face when inside I was most definitely not okay. Now for my very randomly placed favorite quote from the book(so far, although there was another that really made me laugh but taken out of context it loses what makes it so funny):

"You don't say much do you?" McKay
"Not if I don't have anything to say." Callie
 (I wish I could remember to say this the next time someone brings up my lack of talking.)

Honest to goodness last thought. I know this post, like so many of the other ones I've written, doesn't make much sense. If nothing else I hope my point that we shouldn't layer on to many different persona's because we may soon lose some of our true personality is found somewhere in all these sentences. Even if it doesn't seem as glamorous or doesn't make a difference our personality makes us unique and whether we see it or not and for better or worse it can make a difference. One should never, ever compromise who they are just to fit in or be who they think someone wants them to be just to keep them in their life. Whatever your true personality is it is what makes you who you are and me who I am even if that does make me quiet and clumsy with the tendency to keep people at arm's length.

Whispers in the dark

I recently heard something said about failing that was so simple and made so much sense that I don't know how I didn't see it before. One of my biggest fears is failing. Now for the simple example that has me thinking... Imagine if you had only one egg to eat and you had to carry that egg a mile back to your house before you could eat it. You're going to hold that egg very carefully and watch it to make sure it doesn't fall out of your hands while you're walking. Suddenly as your walking, watching the egg very carefully, you tripped and the egg has fallen out of your hands and cracked, your only meal slowly falling upon the road. Why, you may ask, you was being so careful, watching the egg, but that was the problem you was focusing more on the egg and failing instead of just carefully holding the egg and focusing on the road and where you was going. You can't focus on your failures that you already have made or the could be failures (which I personally think are the worst ones to hold you back and make you trip) or you'll always feel defeated, not to mention, you'll never make it home to fix that egg (or whatever you would like to eat)!

As I mentioned in an earlier post I've been reading the second book in this series I'm reading and last night I finished Whispers in the Moonlight. Since it kind of goes with the previous paragraph I'll just save a post and write about it as well. You know how in movies sequels are usually never as good and sometimes that can be the case for series of books as well but not this time, the second book had just as much, if not more in it's own way, to offer. This book focuses on Travis and Rebecca and how she has to marry him without really knowing him. After her father passes away circumstances cause Rebecca to believe Travis only married her to get her fathers ranch. With growing assumptions and doubt Rebecca chooses to listen to all the questions rolling around in her mind and with growing suspicion and doubt that Travis cares about her but more about the ranch she runs away. Without giving much more away Travis and Rebecca both have to face a lot of things and discover a lot about themselves before you get to the happy ending. I, like Rebecca, tend to put walls up and take something that is said and make dozens of turns down assume drive, which can be a one way road that is hard to find a place to turn around on. You know how it is, all those questions attack you and come out of nowhere and they all always go down the wrong road but seem so legit and no way it isn't true at the time. And with the walls being built, mine aren't to keep a husband away, but like Rebecca it still hinders me and my friendships, or lack thereof. Another thing was how at times Rebecca would try to tear the wall down and change but fear quickly rose at the last minute causing her to quickly build the wall back up and forget about trying to change because after all she would fail anyway and Travis didn't really love her. I, personally, do the same thing with making up my mind I can do something as simple as going up to a friend or acquaintance for example and starting a conversation and will play it out in my head only to chicken out at the last minute and build the wall back up and only keep the conversation on my end to the bare minimum. Anyway, Rebecca finally starts letting the wall down, not completely but enough to make progress and I think the wall will come completely down in the third book. So like Rebecca I got to remember not to do 20 questions in my head all based on assuming what was behind the short conversation exchange and how something was said sounded may not have been intended the way I took it (someone sounding like they are mad at you when in fact they are just short with you because of something personal going on in their own life that has absolutely nothing to do with you type of thing) I got to remember it's okay not to always have the wall up.I'm posting the video for the song Austin by Blake Shelton because it is a perfect analogy of how Travis' love never dwindled or stopped for Rebecca while he searched and ultimately had to wait for her to come back to him. In fact if this book had a soundtrack, that would definitely be on it. What can I say, when I read I am not only there I also include the musical score too!

So next time you, or I, have those whispers in the dark about failing remember to take one step at a time and focus on where you're going instead of all those questions/thoughts pointing out how it could go wrong. Easier said than done but I think it's worth trying, at least for myself, maybe you will to. Here's to learning not to focus on my failings and short comings but on the finish line, and how I will make it there without dropping my egg. :)

Travel Bug

I'm always ready to go anywhere and love to travel but I think I really got bit by the travel bug here lately because all I can think about is going somewhere out of state and actually staying over at least one night. The only problem is according to everyone that I mention the places I want to go I get told they are to far for me to go by myself. Every one I know has a life and/or just doesn't want to travel with me, not that I blame them I doubt I'm easy to travel with. I have officially given up making plans on going anywhere because they never work out. I figure there is some reason for them not working out but don't think I'll ever know that reason. I think the word plan should be added to the list of the words that when written in comics symbols are used instead of letters and it should be written something like *?^!.....I mean this year I actually had a week off of work back in the spring and just had another week off last week, did I get to go on any trips and stay anywhere for any length of time? Nope. I don't mind going anywhere by myself but I won't turn down any company either. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and go somewhere by myself and just break out the extra cautious common sense. I never know if watching to many criminal shows has helped or hurt me. Either way I wish this irritation from the travel bug bite would go away either because I get to actually go somewhere or just out of sympathy for me not to be able to go anywhere at the moment.

And just a warning if you read the post 'Eyesight isn't always 20/20' I am about to start reading the second book in that series so if it is anything like that first it's safe to say I'll be writing about it as well but otherwise I think I got enough writing on here out of me to last a little bit.

You like me, you really like me

This may make me sound very conceited but I don't mean it like that, but I often wonder how people see me, and by this I really mean am I really treating people like I want to be treated and am I as good as a friend as I want to, things like that. Here lately I've really found myself questioning these things about myself and what I am very slowly getting to write about are things that I think may be happening to help show me that I obviously got work to do but I may be just a little to hard on myself and people really do see me differently than I see myself. Perhaps that is why here lately I've had people directly tell me or I've over heard it being said positive things about me and go figure it is exactly about the things that I've been questioning about myself. Have you ever been walking away from a group of friends, or whoever, and someone will say something (good!) about you? I never know how I'm supposed to address this - do I act like I didn't hear it, was I even suppose to hear it? By now, if you've read very much of this blog it is obvious I ask A LOT of questions. God probably made me quiet so half of my questions wouldn't be heard, otherwise no one would get anything accomplished. Anyway, back to the over hearing thing (I also have a hard time staying on subject), this has happened and I know I was suppose to hear it but I still didn't know what to say. I tend to not accept compliments very easily, I appreciate them very much but I don't always believe them at first. This past Sunday I heard someone talking about me and saying some really nice stuff about me and she went on to say I wish she could find her a nice Christian man that liked to travel like she does. You just can't avoid that pesky relationship question/statement even when you're not around! That got me thinking how much you wanna bet someone is praying I end up in a relationship, I wish I knew if that was the case because I got a lot better things they could be praying for concerning me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder is there a correct way to handle that whole over hearing people talk about you. I have recently truly seen how much and what people do think about me. I guess I always knew but the last few weeks I suppose it's starting to sink in and I have gotten ever so slightly better about telling people and showing them as well. It's still a work in progress but I am going in the right direction.

Eyesight is not always 20/20 (patience suggested while reading this one)

*Disclaimer: I know this starts out sounding like a book report but I promise if you have patience and read it, towards the end I will finally get to my point, you can look for the * if you want to skip ahead to just get to my point

I recently had someone lend me some books to read. I love that because it ends up keeping me out of bookstores and from buying books when I get the impulse to get another one. Anyway, this book is part of  a series, which I sometimes hesitate to start because I either get really involved and the characters become so real to me I hate for the series to end or I don't get involved but feel obligated to finish the series. So far this series is definitely leaning towards getting involved and truly liking the characters and stories. In case you are wondering this book is, Where the Wild Rose Blooms by Lori Wick. I think this book is sticking out as one I can appreciate and feel like I'm right there because I can so relate to the characters. I love finding books where there is a character, or more, that reminds me of myself or someone I know. Many times while reading, at least if I'm really lucky, I'll catch myself reading something a character says or does and think, 'I do or say that all the time. I wonder how weird it is that if the character is going through a situation similar to one I am or have gone through I tend to read it more carefully than normal to see how they went about solving and getting through the problem. Sometimes books take the Hollywood way out but I have found two books that have made a great impact on me and legitimately helped me even though both were works of fiction. Those being the one aforementioned and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Without giving anything away in the book by Lori Wick I have to say it's one of those times you find yourself really thinking and asking yourself serious thought provoking questions. Or at least I did, but maybe I take reading to a whole other level above what most people do when they read. I found myself at first relating to the character Edwina, she after all was the kind of person everyone assumes they are and wants to be but I quickly found I may be more like Jacqueline, or Jack as her father calls her. Basically, Jacqueline can let her pride get in her way and she thinks she's okay and will make it to heaven because she's a good person. Until tragedy hits and she pushes the man she loves away thinking he couldn't love her the way she is now. As fate would have it they meet again and Jacqueline begins to better understand the true meaning of accepting the love of the man she loves as well as the true meaning of God's love and forgiveness.

*Here's where I get to my point if you want to skip ahead*

Anyway, before this sounds even more like a book report I'll get to my point. While reading and ever since finishing the book I can't help but wonder how many of us are walking around blind but have vision. So often we see people with disabilities and find ourselves saying how terrible it is they have to face the world with their disability. Not realizing that even though they face a different route to get things done and no doubt a harder, steeper climb to get there they don't let it get in there way.  All the while not realizing that we so often are more disabled than the person we see as being hindered. I dare say the people I've seen that have had to face diversity and had disabilities were more determined and even thankful than people that can take the easy way to get their goal accomplished. Put another way, sometimes I wonder how many of us have sight but don't really see. When was the last time you took the time to enjoy the beauty of a sunset or looked up to see the wonder of a night sky full of stars? How many of us have hearing but don't really listen to the sounds and words of music, or catch the excitement as a friend tells about an event or even that change in their voice that says they aren't being 100% honest when they say everything is fine. Most importantly, perhaps,  is how many of us have health and the true blessings and treasures of life but aren't living and appreciating what we have? It's a lot of questions I know but I have asked myself all of them because like Jacqueline I thought I was okay but now I think it's time I take an honest look at myself. Sometimes it involves asking some tough questions I don't like the answer to and sometimes it means going through some trials to open your eyes to see the truth and what matters and to even be able to accept help and love and to move pride out of the way. Basically, in my long drawn out way, I'm just saying just because we have the gift of the senses (sight, hearing, touch, etc.) don't take for granted that you are using them to the full potential. And I do highly recommend the two books I mentioned, even if they aren't books you would normally read. I'll try reading any kind of book once. Forgive the longer than normal post, I have a lot of thinking to get out.

If only this post had a point but it doesn't....

I think I've momentarily forgot about having a blog, feels like forever since I've written anything on here or could think of anything to write. Now I have something I want to write about and for the life of me I can't sort my thoughts enough to make a sentence that would be understandable. I thought about going ahead and trying to type it out and go with the flow on here but I can't do that because it just doesn't feel right this time to just type and get it out that way. Last night I tried writing it out on paper and it didn't seem to want to be written on paper yet either. Wonder if anyone else has ever had that happen, have a thought that you really want to share and actually makes sense and could get others thinking but for the life of you it just can't be written.Normally this would worry me that I will forget it, and it's still very possible, but the fact that I can't stop thinking about it should help me to get it written down eventually. I only hope that by the time my thoughts will cooperate and I can write it down and get it posted that I don't read it and think why did I think this was worth sharing. Even if I don't post it on here, I desperately want to get it written down, maybe it's just for my own benefit to help me see what I need to change. I feel like there is some sort of changing coming for me and I don't know if it's just my imagination or if it is possible and if it  is possible I don' t know how to feel about it. However, if it's a change to help me in areas that I've really been wanting to improve than I'll take it even if at first it is very grudgingly.

Memories

A friend of mine recently posted a photo from back in the day with me and another girl I went to school with and for the life of me I can't remember that ever happening. I know it did cause I'm staring at the photo evidence and there is no way it was photo shopped. Isn't it funny though how you can not have a single memory, faintest idea of even where or when something happened and you know it did because there is legitimate photo evidence. Although, the strange and funny thing is I do distinctly remember the shirt I was wearing in the picture but I have tried to will and even force myself to remember anything else and I can't. The same thing happened about a year ago when people were posting pictures from school days like crazy in getting ready and/or excited about the ten year high school reunion. Truth be told there is probably a post about that as well but it just really fascinates me how the mind can work and how you just seem to lose memories or even block memories. Guess that's proof that it's a good thing to take as many pictures and make as many memories as possible. The more you make maybe the better chance you will still have some to look back on. And when you stumble across the pictures with you in it or even of places you know you went to but that particular place looks so unfamiliar at least you can look at it and know you was there and did something and wait for the day that just maybe that memory may be found again.