Titles are not easy to think of...

In a couple of weeks, if my math is correct, autumn will make its arrival. I'm excited about this because that means six days later the new season of Castle begins! Seriously, I am missing my new episodes of Castle but thank God for reruns. I'm also looking forward to it because autumn and spring are my favorite seasons. I love the weather in both seasons and the various things that come with both seasons fashion and food wise (I get to bring out my hoodies and boots and let us not forget hot chocolate!). Not only that but in a way, at least for me, both seasons represent a kind of change and new beginnings. It's a time of the year that the animals are preparing to make it through the winter and oh-to-soon-to-arrive cold weather, the leaves are changing colors and slowly falling to the ground. You wait months to see the beautiful colors of all of the leaves as they change and then they all fall to the ground so you wait those months anxiously waiting for the day you see the first sign of new life in spring. I guess it's a sort of reminder that there is a reward for all the waiting and work you have to do for change and what you have to do to be who you want to be or something like that! It's hard to explain but just like there are seasons and each has it's own reward and beautiful thing about it so is each season of ones life. There is change, there is work to be done and lots of waiting to see that change but in the end it's worth it. I can't see the new leaves and flowers blooming without seeing the leaves change and fall and try to patiently wait through the winter season.

I feel like I'm always writing on here about my walls that I have built up and working on taking them down. The other day I realized a couple of things and one of those was a big chunk of my walls have fallen down. I also have, or am truly with more accuracy seeing the lies that I have been used for the foundation to keep these walls up are just that - nothing but lies. It's like the more I'm realizing this the more the foundation for these walls is cracking and parts of the walls are coming down and I'm hoping they shatter into such small pieces there isn't anyway I can rebuild them. It's as though I built these walls and foundations up thinking they were great protection and on good solid ground that I wanted to stay on for a long time only to realize that I didn't build any windows or door so who I am can't be seen nor can I truly get to other people and the ground is pretty shaky, muddy and not a good place to stay. As these chunks of foundations and walls fall down I'm slowly moving out and rebuilding on the place I really am supposed to be. Which is just mumbo jumbo talk to say I get that being that quiet girl that loves to read and had rather listen to people tell stories and or talk is perfectly okay and it's perfectly fine to build a door and let people in so they can visit for awhile and we can sit by the window and chat even.

This makes my 150th post on my blog, never thought I'd write that many when I first started this. You know what that means? I successfully found 150 different ways to say the same thing!

I had a reason for writing this but not sure what it was now

Recently I was in Lifeway and was walking through the book section because I can't go in a store and not look at books. Before I even go on what follows is nothing against the store Lifeway nor any of the books/products that are found in the store. If you've ever been in there you've no doubt seen those racks they have in the middle with these booklets that focus on specific areas people may want help in figuring out how to change. Normally, I go right by that and straight to another area of the books. Nothing against them, specifically those booklets, because I'm sure they have helped people but me personally I can't read them because inevitably they just end up causing me more confusion then helping. With that being said for some unknown reason I was walking by on my merry little way to the other books when I saw one of those booklets (or whatever you call them) and noticed one titled friendships. Again for whatever reason I stopped and picked it up. Opened it up to a random page, like you do, and it just so happens I turn to a page that is talking about self-absorbed friends. It had bold faced titles and examples of these people. The first one included pride then I skipped down a couple and saw a title followed by the example of shy. Now that one really got my attention so I then skipped down to the paragraph below these examples and read the first couple of sentences. It basically was saying these types of friends can be bad, now it may have ended with a but wait these can be good friends to have if...but I didn't get that far. After I read that first part I had a I...but wait...yup...nope moment and just closed it and put it back. This is not the first time I've ever heard being shy described as being selfish in some way. It could be argued that this is bothering me because there is some truth to it and that may be the case but I don't think it is 100 percent the reason and here's why. First, this is why I have such a problem with labels and trying to fit people in a category because of certain traits they have. To me people are more than just labels and besides that I think it's safe to say that no one 100% falls under a specific label. For some they are quiet around large groups but get them around their close friends and they are very talkative yet they get the label of introvert, quiet, or shy. There are a lot of factors in how people are around others and to restrict them to one specific label well you only restrict yourself from potentially getting to know one of the best people you may ever meet. To say a person is selfish because they are quiet is just ludicrous to me. Rich, poor, quiet or loud if you are human you have it in you to be selfish and because one is quiet does not automatically mean they have selfish motives or are self absorbed. I don't fully understand why there seems to be this stigma for quiet people. Not to do a woe to the quiet people because there is some level of negative for every thing but I know quiet and I can talk about what I know. Or should I say I know certain levels of quiet but there are so many different kinds of quiet (just more proof why you can't definitively label someone). Have I ever done anything with selfish motives? Yeah, I may not remember an exact event but I think it's safe to say at some point in my thirty years I have. Was it solely because I'm shy/quiet? No, that quite possibly didn't even influence it. I think it's bothering me because I'm not fully understanding how or why they get that a shy person is being selfish. From my perspective of my shyness I've not ever thought watch this I'm going to act like I can't go up to this person and ask them for something so I can con someone into doing it for me. Nope, nine times out of ten, I've wrestled with it and played scenarios of the conversation in my head and did the whole come on April it's not that bad you can do this in my head (see we really don't need anyone reminding us it's not that difficult or I don't understand why you can't just go up there and ask, etc.) Because it's so fun constantly being told you are so quiet, or why don't you just ask/talk it's no big deal. I think people say that as a means to try to lighten it up and not make the issue at hand as serious but it just does the opposite, at least for me. If it bothers someone, no matter how little or much, it's a big deal to that person. Reading that whole thing just made me wonder and kind of realize just how much quiet people are misunderstood. It's almost like it's considered not normal to be quiet. It's like everyone is constantly saying be yourself but they forget that sometimes being oneself is actually being quiet and that's okay. A person shouldn't be made to feel bad because they like to take a few minutes to get just the right word to answer a question they were asked, or they are no good at small talk but get them talking on a subject they enjoy and you may just find you can't get a word in, and so on of examples of what sometimes people try to portray as there's something wrong with you because you like to do them. Just like we all like different foods, even eat the same kind of foods differently each personality trait has an advantage, and yes sometimes a disadvantage. I know for me I test my friends patience because it takes forever for me to truly open up and God bless the few true friends I have because with all my quirks good and bad they still consider me a friend. I've recently found and been reading several articles on introverts and highly sensitive personalities and one, it's fantastic to finally read something that describes me and has actually helped me better understand my personality. I wish I could find the link to one I recently read but it mentioned in it how people need introverts if for nothing else but for us to listen and another one mentioned how it's good to know a highly sensitive person because they have the empathy that you sometimes need when you are going through something. I think it's safe to say everyone has something in their personality that they need to work on but I guess my whole point of this is just because a person is quiet don't automatically assume they need or even want to change. I've seen this quote that says  6+3=9 and under it will have 5+4=9 and it says something about how they both have the same answer but were gotten in different ways. Just because someone gets an answer different than you doesn't make them wrong. It kind of ties in with this you may answer a question and take five minutes to answer it but I may answer it with a simple yes or no but that doesn't mean my answer is wrong or any worse than yours. There are many aspects of what makes a good friend, not just how much they talk and curiosity is almost making me want to go back and find that page to finish reading the paragraph but when it comes right down to it I don't need a book to tell me that friends come in all different packages and they work. It doesn't matter how or why but what matters is you find those friends that even if from the outside person it looks like you all would never get along you do. Sure you got to watch out for those toxic friendships, I mean let's be real everyone that calls you friend is not going to be your friend. In that aspect no matter what else that book says I agree you have to be careful in your friendships in choosing them and making sure you are also being a good one.  I don't think I'm getting what I want to say fully across so I'll end it with the simplest most basic way I know how to say it. I can be labeled as a quiet, shy, introverted, highly sensitive person but in the end I am just me doing the best I can be. If that means that in the end I'm a decent friend, thank God because I want to treat people the way I want to be treated....yeah I totally didn't say what I wanted to say but hopefully it makes some sense to the whole two people that will read this!

For the record totally not writing this fishing for a comment (honest to God...I don't do well with comments, good or bad)

I think I overdid it on the coffee today

I'm having a major thought overload, like in the movies where every alarm is going off and you have the annoying computer counting down to remind you of the pending doom....okay it's probably not to that extreme but it sounded like a good way to put it. Although it is to the point of I'm seriously wishing there was a mute button. Shall we get on the wonderful ride of random thoughts? Fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride :)

I have little habits that I do when I'm nervous that normally I don't even realize I'm doing them (biting/picking at my fingernails, I know it's gross, don't judge me!). I'm not even sure how or why one does those habits because for me they don't even really help me calm down. I recently discovered I have a new habit that I do when thinking and/or nervous and that one I do notice and it actually can get annoying. I can't even explain how I do it but I end up making this snapping sound but I'm not actually snapping my fingers. It's not so bad for a while then suddenly I realize I'm doing it and the more I try to stop the more I do it. Kind of like when I have an ink pen and persistently click the button. Funny how that one is automatically annoying when someone else does it but it takes longer to realize when you are doing it yourself. I guess I do these things for the same unknown reason I have to move my hands when I talk. That's another one I don't realize I'm doing until I about knock someone out (lol not really, I just thought I'd throw that in, although you may want to be on guard if I'm talking about something I'm really excited about).

Sometimes I think I am surrounded by The Silence (sorry for the Doctor Who reference, if you don't watch the show go with the analogy of walking in to the room with a reason to get something but as soon as you walk in the room you forget why you even came to the room to begin with but you have that nagging feeling you know there was something you needed). Why, you ask, well let me over explain this to make absolutely no sense. I'll once again have an a-ha! moment to realize what exactly I am doing that is holding me back from, well pretty much everything. Personally I can say the two biggest culprits are fear and doubt, those are some major bullies let me tell you. So I'll have a big plan of action of how I can face these and knock 'em out, at least a wall or two of them down to get a peek on the outside. Then I turn around to face them head on and completely forget my plan of action of how I was going to face these and sometimes even forget that I had gotten so far as to figure out what I'm facing is what is hindering me and keeping me from being who I can be. However, kind of like how in DW they would put the tally marks on them to know how many Silence they have seen I am figuring out that if I don't tuck my tail and run but go ahead and face the challenge, even if that's only taking one step before I retreat it is a reminder to myself that I do have it in me to face these fears and any kind of step in the right direction is progress. I'm facing the same thing with trying to open up and something as simple as being comfortable at peoples houses. I've seen some quotes before about how real friends just make themselves at homes at their friends house and get stuff to eat without asking and things like that. I have never, ever been able to do that at anyone's house. I have a theory on the why and it's not just because I'm backwards or I think I'd be rude if I did that (those are on the list but not the number one reason). For me the closest I've ever gotten is actually sitting down without someone telling me to sit down but then in my head I'm thinking I wonder if it's okay if I sit here, maybe I should've sit somewhere else or waited until they said for me to sit down. Should I get back up, no that would look stupid I'll just sit here...and so on. And people think quiet people are quiet, y'all just ain't hearing it but we talk a lot.

Last but not least have you ever gotten aggravated and did something stupid that you ended up injuring yourself. See I don't know why I do these things (thankfully it's really rare that it goes to the injuring myself or really getting that aggravated at something - I like to pile it all up and then vent but I don't recommend it) I mean I'm clumsy I don't need to do anything else to help increase the chances of me hurting myself. For example, this past weekend while walking on a trail I tripped over a limb that was in the middle of the trail but I honest to God didn't even see. Apparently, my subconscious was upset that I didn't injure myself so a couple of days later I go and get aggravated at something and kicked an inanimate object and now my poor big toe is paying for my lack of patience. First, yes I know it was stupid to begin with but I did not think I even kicked it that hard but for the record it did get what I needed opened. It's one of those you can't even really complain about it hurting because it was avoidable and I totally brought it all on myself. So all I can really do is laugh about it and say Good job oh ye of little patience how about we not repeat this one in a long time. I'm hoping that this one can work to my advantage and I'll remember the pain that I'm in so the next time I think about losing my patience to that degree something clicks and says hold up I think we did this once before and it didn't end so well how about we just walk away and let it go (everyone break out into Let It Go from Frozen!)

With that I do believe our Random Thought Ride has come to an end so if you will unbuckle your seat belt and exit to your right. I thank you for riding this ride with me and apologize that it was a bit long of a ride, it was all that coffee I drank or that's what I'm blaming it on anyway. So please no suing me for wasting your time after you read this! I'm really, really done now...I think...yup definitely done.

I Just Felt Like Writing Today

I can easily get overwhelmed and not even know why I feel overwhelmed and then there are times that I'll be listening to what someone is saying to me and I just smile because whether they know it or not it will go along and/or be exactly what I needed to hear for whatever it may be that I was over thinking about or just something I was dealing with. Those are my 'Well, huh, ain't that something...' moments. You never really know when you share a thought or something that you have dealt with just how much it can help the person you are talking to, sometimes for no other reason than they can realize they are not the only one that has felt like and had to deal with that kind of problem before. Let's face it, it's nice to know you're not alone in many things. I'm all about having my time to myself to gather my thoughts and stuff but there are times that...well I feel to alone and that's not the good kind of alone that can help you. Usually, and thankfully, the times I get like that I have a few friends that I have grown comfortable enough with that I know I can talk to them. I may not talk about what's bothering me every time but nonetheless I know I can go to them and just talk and they'll get me out of that to alone zone. I recently saw a quote that said something along the lines of I'll always appreciate the ones that can make me laugh when I am feeling down and that is so true.

It amazes me sometimes how much I pay attention to things and the things that I can sometimes get out of them. It's sometimes so out there that I'm not even sure how I get to that particular thought. This most particular example came, from all places, a dog. A while back I had read a quote that stated the reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue (definitely one of those ain't that the truth quotes). Not only could  a lot be learned from that quote but I recently had the thought you could take a lesson in learning patience from a dog. I saw a dog that really wanted what it's owner was eating and he got up sit down and gave them the stare down. That didn't work and he walked away for a minute and laid down. Normally this is the way people are they don't get what they want the first time they try, ask, or seek it they just give up. However, here's where the lesson in patience kicked in, me watching this thinking he had given up only to see him get back up in a minute or two and walk back to his owner sit down beside him and patiently  watch the person eat what the dog very much wanted a bite of. This time he didn't leave again but he sat there and his patience and persistence paid off because he got a bit of what that person was eating. So see there's lessons to be learned in all kinds of places if you just watch (and perhaps over think). 

Just A Thought...

 By now I'm sure everyone has heard of the tragic loss of Robin Williams. Be it a well known celebrity such as Mr. Williams or the person down the street it is a terrible loss and so sad when someone feels that this is the last hope of escaping the pain and torment that is caused by depression and/or other mental health problems or even other issues. It truly bothers me when tragedies like this happen and people can't find the decency in them to have an ounce of respect for the families of the person and will downplay the seriousness of suicide and what leads up to it. If someone wants to believe it's a cowardly way out, or no one can be that depressed well it's by all means your right to have that opinion but some opinions are best left unsaid especially during the time of a tragedy. With that being said I wholeheartedly disagree and would say so to anyone that has those types of opinions. It truly bothers me when people have this mindset because suicide is a very real problem. There's a saying that states treat everyone you see with kindness because you don't know what kind of battle they are facing. Just because one seems to have it all, or societies lies of what having it all is, or they have the biggest smile doesn't mean that they aren't facing something that could ultimately make them think there is only one way left to escape the pain and sorrow they are hiding. One hopes that everyone has at least one person they can go to and be able to talk to them when things get to overwhelming for them, or have someone you can just say please pray for me but that's not always the case.  If you don't please call help numbers such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and talk to someone because no matter how you may feel or what you may think you are special and mean a lot to those around you and it is worth fighting to make it another day.

A step out of my comfort zone

Recently I was sitting at the house bored and I got a text from a friend. When I looked at it I saw that it was information about a poetry contest, The National Amateur Poetry Contest, to be exact. Now I've never entered anything I've ever written for any kind of contest. To be perfectly honest I spend way to much time wondering if I should even share it with a select few friends and even more time if I should post it on here and/or Facebook. So I replied with something along the line of that's cool may have to try to enter that. Now as soon as I hit send I thought I don't have anything good enough to send. However, the more I thought about it and after doing a quick search and read of the rules something very much unlike me happened. I thought what do I have to lose if I do enter it, providing I can find a poem that fits the rules. Besides if my friend took the time to send me the information and and apparently thinks my writings would be decent enough to send one than maybe, just maybe I should have as much confidence in my writing and step out of my comfort zone to see what happens. I'm fairly certain I've made up my mind on which poem I'm going to send in and will make my procrastinating self send that in within the next week or two. Although, I did recently see a quote that is funny because it is so true that went like this: with an introvert, you never have to worry that they'll make a rash decision. Good luck getting them to make any decision at all. But this time I have decided that I am for sure going to try my luck at this contest, if for nothing else but to finally say I entered something I wrote into a contest. It's a little step, but a step nonetheless, in a direction that will take me out of my comfort zone. Do I expect anything to come out of it? I'm not sure but I sure won't have a chance of saying I had the opportunity to have a poem published if I don't try. You don't know if you don't do so here I go doing something I'd normally run in the opposite direction from.

Update: Not that anyone that reads this probably cares but I didn't back out and have mailed in a poem to the contest. I ended up sending in my poem Quiet Girl because that one met the rules and that one means a lot to me. It just felt fitting to send that one in. I posted it on a blog months ago but here it is again, just because :)

Quiet Girl

By: April Donahue

To many she is just a quiet girl

Feels like she is on a tilt-o-whirl

Always watching the people rush on by

Trying to find her place in this life

Quiet girl don't you see your worth

Shake those fears and face this world

It's time for your quiet voice to be heard

Few or many so much is hidden in your words

Don't listen to those whispered lies

Quiet girl hold your head up high

Don't be afraid to show your smile

Take it all one step at a time

Quiet girl it's okay to be yourself

When others try to make you someone else

Never, ever forget the truth

You are you and there's nothing you can't do

This post is like a really bad amusement ride...just saying

Good grief apparently I got on the emotional roller coaster ride without knowing it and it is not a fun ride, not a fun ride at all. While wrestling for days of how to write what I want to write on here and if I should even write what I want to write I've ended up with not much of nothing because every thing I type ends up being deleted. So just a fair warning this post will probably be like the emotional roller coaster I seem to have been on. Such is life though, eh? 

So the following is what I had finally got completed as of yesterday while trying to write this:

Sometimes when I am listening to music I'll hear a certain line in a song and either think it or actually say out loud something along the lines of 'Ain't that the truth.' In my quest to find what kind of song/music I even wanted to hear today I heard the song Troubadour by George Strait and it got to the line of well the truth about a mirror is that it don't really tell the whole truth. It don't show what's deep inside, or read between the lines. I just love that verse. Maybe it's because I hate mirrors and will avoid them like the plague. Or perhaps because there is so much an over thinker and analyzer like myself can get out of that. Unless someone out there is the Evil Queen and has a magic mirror that will tell you who is the fairest of them all a mirror, like so many other things, can only show and tell a small portion of the story, or truth if you will. In today's society there is so much emphasis on beauty and to often when people look in mirrors they only see their flaws not the whole truth. They aren't seeing the whole picture of what's deep inside and forget to read between the lines. They completely forget and miss the fact that no matter what society tries to say the person looking back at them in that mirror is beautiful and amazing in their own unique way. It also reminds me of the song Beautiful by Group 1 Crew. Guess it's kind of obvious pretty much everything reminds me of a song. Anyway, I suppose the main thing I was thinking and am trying to type but having a difficult time getting out is that no matter what we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror or what you see in someone else we should always remember that it doesn't always show what's deep inside and isn't telling the whole truth...or something like that. It makes sense the way it is rolling around in my head but not exactly having an easy time getting my thoughts properly written down. I could understand if I was face to face trying to talk but generally I don't have this much trouble with writing.

Now to see if I can finally finish this post and hit publish because quite frankly I'm tired of seeing draft written by this. 

Some days are just days where I think I just need a hug and to have a good cry that is all. I think that must be the major loop on that roller coaster but it's all good and it eventually passes. Sometimes with the hug and/or cry and sometimes not but either way life manages to move on. For someone that doesn't particularly like to be hugged it can prove to be tricky when I actually get where I want/need a hug. As an introvert sometimes I rather like to do things by myself. Sometimes you get weird looks with that or if I tell someone I did something by myself they automatically assume it was because I couldn't find anyone to do whatever it may be with. Generally, that is a safe bet and you would win but there are times I choose to do things by myself. I need my alone time to recharge. Now I have found myself in a bit of a predicament because there is something I want to do and wouldn't mind doing by myself except I'm feeling guilty. Why, I'm not sure, but I'm feeling guilty that I want to do things by myself and then particularly that I wouldn't take a couple family members on this particular adventure because...well I don't really know the because. I hate feeling guilty when I really have no reason to and I don't understand why I feel the need to try to guilt myself because I want to do stuff by myself.  Anyway, I guess it's time I write what I have gone back and forth on writing on here and if you read it you're going to be like what was the big deal about writing it...and my answer is, I have no idea, no idea at all. 

So I used to some times hear people talk about their church family and to be honest I didn't get it. My thought was why are you calling them family you just go to church with them. It's kind of like how friends can feel more like family to you than the ones that are listed on that family tree. Shoot a lot of the time they even treat you better. Now after being at the church I go to for about 9 years now I think I finally understand why people will say they are family. Some of my best and closest friends I met at church. I'm one that I never really understand why people like me, pick on me I totally get cause I make it incredibly easy for that, but for someone to be my friend well the over thinking kicks in and it's just one hot mess. That's a whole other post to sit in draft mode for a long time. To continue with this one...I guess basically what I'm trying to say is not only am I so thankful and glad to have those close, and to be honest quite unexpected, friendships but I'm fortunate in that I can say they are family too. I'm glad for the ones that actually want to hang out with me, will listen to me, and let me ask my endless questions :) oh and the picking on because they have actually thrown in some quips about me being quiet and such that I hadn't heard and life is more fun when you can be around people that want to be around you and make you laugh. And I guess that's all I have to say, or all I'm going to, about that. 

Oh, on another and last, random thought I have been rolling around a couple of ideas about a story to maybe-possibly-but- probably- not- try to write. Ever since I went to the lighthouse I've been so very much wanting to try to write a story with a lighthouse setting. Not sure if anything will ever come about from it but at least with these little random ideas and the ones that will come to me by seeing some street signs or other things that will jog my imagination...well let's just say I can create little stories while I'm driving around. 

Well hopefully the next time I post something it's more well put together and all that.