Address in the Stars

Twelve years ago today my very dear grandma passed away. Like so many people, and even some things or abilities (walking, talking, etc.), I didn't fully realize how much I depended and needed her until she was no longer here. As I've stated in a previous post I can finally look back at my actions that day and no longer regret not waking my grandma up to tell her goodbye before I left for school. I won't say I wish I could see my grandma again or that she could be back here again. That would be to selfish on my part and I couldn't handle having to say goodbye to her again. I do wish there was a way I could write her a letter to let her know the person I am and continue to try to be and how much things changed for me. I wish I could tell her how much she helped me get through college and so many other things in life even though she wasn't physically here to see me deal with those trials. I often wonder if she'd be proud of the young woman I am. Even though it's been twelve years I still catch myself going to tell her about something I accomplished, or for advice, or sometimes I even see something in a store that I just know she would like and I'll pick it up and momentarily think I'll buy it for her only to remember I can buy it but there's no mail service where she's at. I am at peace with my grandma's passing because I know she is no longer in pain and the rheumatoid arthritis or cancer isn't bothering her anymore. As long as I'm living there will be a part of me that is missing. I am thankful I had seventeen years to watch and learn just a portion of the wisdom she had to share. I know she loved me and I know that without a doubt she knew how very much I loved her. If I could write her a letter I would tell her I am doing well, I have a great job and have been blessed to do a lot of traveling. I would tell her how I have a lot of great people in my life that help keep me in line and just make life fun. I'd thank her for always being there and how I can't wait to see her again. When we do meet again I'd promise her I'd give her a huge hug and we'll go take a long walk or just sit awhile but we'll have a nice long visit. Most of all I'd just write thank you and I love you. The memories may not be as fresh and crisp in my mind as they used to be but I'll hang on to them with every thing I have. I'll smile every time I see a cardinal or hear Alan Jackson or the other little things I see and hear that will remind me of her. I'll talk about her to anyone who will listen because even though there is no address in the stars I can keep her memory alive and let everyone know what a special person she was. There have been several times since my grandma passed away where I'd be thinking about and/or missing her and while walking I would randomly find a feather (she loved birds of all kinds). I'll always pick up and keep those feathers, in fact, I have several clipped to a thing on my car visor. There may not be an address to physically send a letter to my grandma, but maybe, just maybe, those feathers area a way for my grandma to let me know she's okay. Crazy perhaps, but it gives me peace and comfort and makes me smile every time it happens. Although twelve years ago my grandma went to a better place and I didn't think I would survive without her I have been blessed in ways I never imagined and I now try to remember this day not as the day I had  to say see you in a while before I was ready to (because goodbye is so final) but as the day she got the ultimate healing and peace she so deserved. Love and miss you forever and always Maw-maw, thank you for every thing.