Walls

Advanced apologies because some of this may be repeats from previous writings. I have so much going through my head that sometimes I can't remember if I really wrote or told someone or if it is still in draft mode in my head. Now that we got that out of the way shall we carry on?

I guess  I'll start with another thought or two that has really stuck with me from my vacation. I was able to climb three lighthouses while on my trip. Ironic I am terrified of heights but love lighthouses, to me they represent a beacon of hope. While climbing the last one, which also happened to be the tallest (Cape Hatteras) there was an older woman and I believe her daughter and son in law. They were ahead of me and I heard the man telling the woman to take her time it wasn't a race, that it didn't matter how long it took for them to get to the top. I ended up catching up to them at the third level where we all ended up needing to rest. The older lady needed to sit on the steps (bless her, she was all worried she'd be in my way and keep me from going. I told her to take her time it wouldn't interfere with me.) As she was sitting she said, 'I have breast cancer and don't have the energy I used to.' At that moment and probably until I take my last breath I was and am in complete awe of her determination to climb that lighthouse. I learned a few things that day. One being life isn't a race, don't think you're less than another if you have to take a rest or don't get to a level as fast as another. Sometimes you got to give yourself a pep talk and sometimes you got to have someone there to give you that reminder and pep talk so you'll take the rest you need and/or so you can take that next step that you just don't think you can take. I also learned we can be like lighthouses. You don't have to be loud sometimes all you have to do is stand tall and let your light shine. You see that day I climbed an 198 feet tall lighthouse but I met a lighthouse on the third landing that day when I met that woman.

On Saturday I got the chance to go to the Rock the Smokies event at Dollywood. And I am so glad that I did because I was reminded of a couple things, actually encouraged may be more appropriate. I just went thinking I was going to see a few artists I really enjoy hearing but got so much more out if it. I was able to see 7eventh Time Down, a band I have wanted to see for awhile. Twice during that show the singer said, Today let's tear those walls down we have built around our hearts. Twice. I was like dude I'm working on it. After that show ended I had planned on going to wait to see another band but I just felt like I needed to walk to the church (my favorite place at Dollywood). As I'm walking I hear We Are Messengers, I'm super excited cause I wanted to see him but I thought for sure I had missed the whole show. So I go lean against a post to listen to what is left of the show. Two things happened during this show. The first was before he started another sing he was talking (he is from Ireland if you aren't familiar with the band) and he says something along the lines of, 'Jesus wants to take that sorrow, shame and condemnation that you've been carrying.' At this point I'm having an Okay I think you're trying to tell me something God moment. Anyway, next thing, later on in his set he had everyone hold hands (I conviently hid by that pole that was holding me up). And he talks about how people need love, they sometimes need that pat on the back or hug that touch to remind them they aren't alone. Then he asks ,'If you're lonely would you just raise your hand.' Which several did and one has to wonder how many were lonely but didn't raise their hand. Then he says, 'That's okay that you're lonely. And basically he didn't have the perfect answer to to make them not lonely anymore but to know they are loved and it's okay to not be okay. This one hit me because I often do wonder is the person I'm sitting next to, do they know how much they matter? Are they really okay when you ask how they are or did they put on that mask with the smile and inside are crying. I saw a thing on Facebook that went something like this:

Person: How are things with you?
Me: things are good
Narrator: things were not good

(Please tell me I'm not the only one that imagines the narrator in Morgan Freeman's voice?)

And sadly sometimes I think tjis happens more than it should because we believe the lie that we are a bother, that no one really cares and/or that we always have to be strong. You don't, as that guy said it's okay to not be okay. You know apparently I need to learn this cause I keep going back to you (nor I) have to ride this life by ourselves. It's okay to let people in and help carry a load. I'm not the best at having the right words to say and may not be the best at giving hugs when needed (I'm getting there and it's not cause I don't want to give or receive hugs), but I try my best to be there for people. I'll sit there and cry, laugh (or both), listen or just sit in silence with you. Because I've felt lonely a lot and I want to do all I can to let people know they matter. I don't have all the answers most of the time I don't have any answer but I know it's okay if you're not okay, you aren't alone and you matter.

So today I'm taking a few more pieces away from these walls built up, trying to destroy these masks society has tried to tell me I have to wear to be normal and fit in because it's time for some giants to fall because those lies and fears have blocked my view and road to long.