This time of year is quite difficult for a lot of people, they miss loved ones that are no longer here with them and/or people just feel especially alone and that they don't matter around the holidays. I have struggled with this time of year since 2002 when my grandma passed away, never quite got over it. I was thinking about that today and I've seen a lot of items with cardinals on them, now usually this will have me almost in tears and just such sorrow and sadness while I think of my grandma. But this year, thank God something has happened and this year I'm facing some giants. The other day I saw a cardinal figurine and I had 'Aww, maw-maw would have loved that.' and normally this is where it would just go downhill but I have peace and I finally know that she's in a better place and one day I will see her again and after 14 years I finally got the goodbye that I didn't get that fateful morning of January 30, 2002. So one stone knocked down the giant of sorrow that I had felt for so many years with that and thank God I was able to have a way to face that giant and conquer it. I'll always miss my grandma and will no doubt catch myself wanting to go tell her something but until the day I get to see her again I have wonderful memories of her and I forever will have the dream I had with her in it after she passed away and she looked so young and healthy and had her voice again and when she turned around and saw me she said, 'Where have you been? I've been waiting for you.' Oh, maw-maw I've been facing some giants and tearing down some walls and have found some great friends that are helping me run this race.
Sticking with the facing giants and running a race theme I don't know if you have ever read this poem called Undo Me (or Lord Undo Me) by Blake Williams, if not you should read the whole thing it is really good. In part of this poem it states: break down these walls that I love so much No, wait don’t, I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this don’t But I can’t live this way anymore I can’t stand here in this half-life this going through the motions life this not really alive life Father, I need you so come in and do what you must...I heard this read on K-LOVE a little while back and when it got to this part me being apparently ridiculously emotional got teary eyed and said that's me God.At some point this whole poem has been me but this particular time I'm mostly in that part of Lord break these walls down and then freaking out when the walls do start to come down and think No God don't take the walls what will happen I don't know if I can face what is on the other side of the wall. And to be perfectly honest I think these walls are my absolute biggest giants that I have/am facing. Because you see in my house that I built the walls were built, insulated and painted with lies and fears. Some will tell you it doesn't matter what kind of materials you use to build a house, or in this case build your life and what you have in your heart. It does. For a long time in my house I had built the walls, had very few windows and only one door all built on lies and fears and all along thinking I had the best protection from storms of life and from being hurt but that was wrong. So I've been doing some major remodeling thank God. Now over the years I've thought I've done some remodeling and it was just enough to quiet the lies really but this time, well this time I've really knocked some walls down and have been adding some windows and doors. I have also had moments where I've tried to build the walls back up and block the windows and doors I added. Now some will read this and say I am a complete failure at one point I would have 100% agreed with that. However, I am learning in this remodeling that it doesn't happen over night especially with how much I have to remodel. Also that is just a major lie and generally in the midst of these lies I have learned and gotten so much better at hearing the still small voice that is whispering the truth. The truth that I will make it, to just take one more step. to remove just one more small piece of that wall because there is no giant on the other side of that wall there is so much more. It was put to me this way by someone recently that when the walls are gone that there can be more good things that can take its place like more of Gods' presence, more love and more friends (and if you happen to be reading this a huge thank you as always because it was something I needed to hear and/or be reminded of). Thankfully I really have been able to knock down a lot of walls and for the most part keep them completely down. I find myself facing the big wall now and part of me really does just want to have a nope this isn't ever coming down moment but I look back and around at what I've been able to do just this year alone and I know that there will be some amazing things that can and will happen when this last wall comes down. And I know for me it can all be a bit overwhelming and quite often I will just go in circles, I've never been part of a real life house model but this kind of remodel sometimes feels like I am over budget and can't even afford to finish tearing the walls down. But I can and I will. I ain't saying it's going to be a pretty or easy remodel but I am saying I've come to far, I have to much to do and I am worthy enough to have the foundation and rooms built of truth.
Now this brings me to my next to last thought and that is about a race, particularly at the starting line waiting for the sound that it's time to go and start the race. The other day as I was taking a bit of a break and pacing the floor to try to sort through some thoughts something came to mind. I feel like I am at the starting line of a race, what kind of race I don't know but I think it's a big one. Now usually when I feel like this or even when I'm trying to tear those walls down if things go a bit slower than I think they should be or whatever of the many number of scenarios one could write here I'll start having doubts and fears and such. But this race it is different. Sure those things still try to find their way but this just feels different. It's like in the waiting I am being prepared and growing so that when I do hear the sound that gives me the go ahead to run the race I will be prepared to face the obstacles and to finish the race and not saying finish the race in first place because that's not what is important, not to me anyway. What I place in the race is such a small part for me what matters is I finish, I cross that line. And it may not be easy I don't know but while I wait for this race to start I'm going to do some remodeling and face some giants.
Lastly, I'm including a poem I recently wrote and it starts out I have a story to be told and I do and that story will somehow serve a purpose and maybe one day I can feel that it is okay to share more of that story here but until that day, I'll share the bits and pieces that I think is time to share. Whatever giant you are facing, wherever you may be in remodeling, or if you are waiting to start a race of your own may you never give up and always remember that you are worthy and matter and no matter how small a step or piece of wall you take down it's still moving forward and go you for moving forward.
Facing My Giants
By: April Donahue
11/13/16
I have a story to be told
But not one I would have chose
Full of twists and turns
Even a lesson or two was learned
Fears tried to turn out the light
While I held on for dear life
Not always quite sure what to do
As lies try to block my view
Telling me I have to many scars
And that I've gone to far
Keeping me from seeing my worth
The truth it didn't want me to unearth
To many, they'll see broken
But to God I am chosen
I wear brand new clothes
Made of forgiveness, peace and hope
Because I will face my giants
Like David did Goliath
Not with a spear or sword
But in the name of the Lord
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