I should probably title this post have you ever because I have a feeling I will be using that phrase a lot as I write this. I think it's safe to say at some point and to some degree we all wrestle with lies and fears and everything that falls in between those. I had a thought on that (which I have probably thought and wrote about here before) and in my weird way of seeing and understanding things I thought it's kind of like a dam in your head and on one side, the inside that not everyone can see, is where those lies just pile up over the years. Now on the outside it looks like nothing is going on, mostly, at least for me, because the lies are piling up and are so very loud and big that it blocks the view so much so that often I'm not even sure we realize there is a dam there. However, I like to picture it as there is the truth banging against the dam to try to make a crack big enough to break through and if you was able to see it you would see the truths just bouncing off and looking like it wasn't making any kind of progress but it is. And over time, be it short or what feels like forever, the truth does break through and now you have rubble laying on the ground, lies scrambling around trying to make sure you don't realize what happen and see the light, breathe in the fresh air and embrace the truth. Some of that rubble you easily pick up and toss far, far away and thus destroying a few of those lies but some of the pieces are a bit more heavier. We're going to walk on by those for the moment because we got some new territory to explore. This would also be the moment where one could say we're just ignoring them and sometimes that is true. However, sometimes it's just not the right moment to tackle those pieces, sometimes you just need to bask in the truth for a moment. For example, have you ever heard a song, tried to have a conversation or read a book and it was just a song, just a chat about the weather and other small talk, or just a book that you may have lost interest in and couldn't even finish. There's nothing wrong with the song, person you are talking to or book just at the moment that's all it is supposed to be. Then comes the day you hear a song, possibly even the same song you have heard several times and suddenly would you look at that it hit that big piece of debris that was still left and it just made that piece a little smaller. I don't know about anyone else but I'm quite thankful for those little a-ha! moments. Because sometimes when the dam is trying to get rebuilt from the lies and you try to fight the lies with some truths you know but they just are getting whipped by the lies and in those moments you can pull out those other truths that you have picked up along the way while exploring that territory that was blocked before. So I've been reading this book called Eve by Wm. Paul Young, I'm about half way through it but so far it's really good. It's one that has gotten me thinking about me and how I view myself and such. Actually it's one of those that I think has helped me take a few more steps away from the dam and see some things. I always seem to somehow find a character in a book I can relate to who often reminds me of how I feel or what I may have gone through which I suppose is weird. Anyway, in the book Lilly puts a front up so people don't see her vulnerability or at least so she doesn't feel vulnerable, she has a fear of people leaving, not good at trusting people, thinks if people knew what all she's done and such that they wouldn't even want to look at her, etc. There's a part in the book where she tells Eve to please not leave her and Eve assures her that she's not and at one point she sees Eternal Man and wants to run to him to hug him but she feels unworthy. And at one point she feels the loneliness that Adam feels and is that not the worst feeling ever, that feeling of isolation and even if you are surrounded by people you still feel alone. It feels like you are in a room so very dark and it feels so big and empty yet it feels like it is closing in on you. Terrible feeling. But there are little things and people that are helping Lilly see things differently, those little truths that are making an impact to get through that dam of lies. One part was when Lilly first meets Eve and Lilly says something and Eve laughs but it embarrasses Lilly so Eve draws her close to her side and tells Lilly you are not at risk with me. My amusement is because you said something funny. I will never laugh to shame you.' And I think another part is when John tells her she can always trust what he says and the time when she asks why he is doing all of this for her and he tells her that he believes she came into his life because God loves him. Which I love that it was written that way because though I absolutely believe there is always a reason we meet people and they have their time in our lives I always tend to look at it that it's a terrible joke on the person that has to put up with me. Somehow reading that kind of helped me see that I know that God knits people together but I never fully got that maybe me being in their life is helping them in someway just as much as it is helping me that they are in my life and hopefully not to just teach them patience that they probably didn't even ask for! One last thing about the book, where I currently am in it, Lilly was given a mirror and was told when she looked in it that it would show who she really was and when she holds it up to look into it the mirror pricks her thumb and then shows her, well it shows her lies of who she is but she starts to believe that's exactly who she is that there is no good in her and such. And it causes her to isolate herself even more cause she hasn't even told anyone that she has the mirror and looked into it. That's where we find ourselves in our comfort zone, which I find ironic that it's called that, I have never once been comfortable in my comfort zone. But it isolates us and keeps us away from others and from realizing who we are, truly are not what that mirror says or on those bad days what our heads are saying. Some days it's easy to win the battle and defeat those lies and some days it's not and you have to figure out a new strategy to go about attacking this lie and some days you need help and all of those are okay. I admittedly still struggle with asking for help on those days that I just can't win this one by myself but I'm getting better. Probably not a good thing to the couple of people I actually talk to though. (You can skip to very end for a chorus from a song that is to good for me not to share at this point if you so choose because from here on out I'm not even sure why or if I should write this but I will) But you know that is really the funny thing about life isn't it? How just the right people get placed in your life at just the right time. It is no secret how much I hate and struggle with Mother's Day, my piece of the dam/wall/door that seems like it is bigger than it is and over the years has and is not having the hold that it once had just sometimes it takes the truth a few tries to break through and from some of the most unlikely places and people. And it is to the point that it really isn't that big of a piece at all, not what my mind likes to try to trick me to think it is some days. Because there was many, many years that even right now I would not be in a good place just because of it about to be Mother's Day. However, I know and have some truths to hang onto and I've come such a long way with all that and the story that goes along with why I don't do well with that holiday. I recently heard Chonda Pierce say something along the lines of there will always be that sadness but there comes a day that you have to forgive that person and forgive yourself and that doesn't mean that you may have lunch with that person but you have a peace about it all. And she also talks at one point about this woman and her child that she just so happened to meet and they met each other just when they both needed to and so now that woman and her child is like a daughter and grandchild to her and she says at one point that God knew she needed that and she's so glad that God knew that and placed them in her life. And I can so relate to that, I think we all have those people in our lives that you just so happened to meet and somehow they have come to mean so much to you. It's a struggle for me to let people in and especially when I realize how close I am getting to people I have this fear that they will leave but I'm learning that it's okay to let people in and get close to them that they aren't going anywhere so enjoy the time that they are here. I really think God has placed people in my life and there are those that have come to feel more like a mom to me which again scares me and for a while I've struggled with if that's okay to be that close to them and such (that fear of they'll leave and such) but I've really come to realize that you know one I really do feel like these people are placed in my life to help me, to encourage me and just to be my friend (and hopefully I at least don't annoy or drive them crazy and maybe help at least in some way) but now I am seeing that it's okay because a mom isn't just a mom because they gave birth to you there is so much more to it than that. And I appreciate those in my life that have shown me that and they have become more like a mom to me and have been there to help me so very much in destroying these walls and helping me in so many ways and just taking the time to be there. So that's my Mother's Day spill and I will go ahead and say does that mean that come May 14th will I have no problems on that day, I don't know but I know that I will still have to do a lot of praying and reminding myself of truths so that any lie that tries to knock me down that day at the very least is going to have to work to knock me over.
So whether your dam/wall/door still seems impossible to be knocked down or it's been knocked down but there is a piece that seems just to big that you can never throw far, far away, don't give up. I recently heard a song called We Win by MercyMe (on their most recently released CD entitled Lifer) and I absolutely love the chorus which states:
This goes out, to anyone down for the count, it's not over, don't give up, don't throw in the towel, just remember who you belong to, let me remind you how this ends, we win..
So don't give up, today may be the day that that one more truth, maybe that person just giving you a hug or saying something that is the very thing that finally knocks those lies out for the count.
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