Yeah but what if...

Buckle up buttercup this could be an interesting or very boring ride - I got about 25 tabs in the old brain opened up today and I came up with that title before I started writing...all systems are good to go keep your hands inside at all times there may be a few bumps along the way but set back and enjoy the ride as best as you can and we thank you for riding with ramblings of a quiet girl on this mighty fine day!

Have you ever noticed that the statement yeah but what if truly has the potential to build up walls or build bridges? You really have to be careful and pay attention on which station you pick that statement up at. Because it can open up doors or build them or it can close them. It can help a dream go a little further or destroy it. Give hope or take it away. Now I don't know maybe you are already thinking she has lost it that makes no sense whatsoever. Can I just tell on myself and maybe explain a little better at what I mean?

Let's just get the negative out of the way first. I am one that will keep people at a distance - work in progress on that one. I, well I like to have control on how far you come in my little bubble and if you start getting close then I freak out. Granted not near to the level I did even this time last year. Now here is where that yeah but what if statement plays havoc on me. It's not that I don't want to let people in or to be close to people - quite the opposite actually. However, there are days that I pick up my buddy yeah but what if on the wall building station. So as an example I have realized that I have let that wall down with a couple people and I'll talk to them and be honest with them about what is going on with me and stuff like that and I had my moment of oh no I am getting comfortable around them I am being myself - that mask I sometimes wear around people is coming off - and I panic and pull into a station to grab a solution. Only problem is I don't pay attention to what station I am at and so I get the not good station and here's what I get. Yeah you've taken a step forward and are letting people in but what if....what if you are bothering them, what if they don't want you around, what if you are interfering with them, and my good frienemy the ever popular what if they leave. You know what all of these statements are - blocks. They are blocks that can be used to build that wall back up. I don't want that wall built back up.

Now here's a bit of how that statement can be used in a positive maybe even encouraging way. So let's say I'm having a not so good day and I picked up some of those blocks thanks to the yeah but what if at the negative station. Here I am already laying the blocks up perhaps someone comes along and says something to me, maybe to even say hey I just wanted to say you have come a really long way or some other encouraging statement. I am just about to put another block down and what they say gets me thinking and I catch another ride to another station. This time I get the positive yeah but what if. Yeah I started building that wall back up and yeah I stumbled and said something I shouldn't have but what if I make that stumble a part of the dance. What if on the things that didn't work out exactly like we planned that we don't give up but have a well okay I know that won't work but what if I try it this way, what if I look at it from this perspective, what if I just ask for help.

I like to go walking on trails, don't get to that often unfortunately, but I enjoy it. Recently I went walking on a trail that whooped my out of shape self - oh but when I got to the destination it was worth every single bit of sweat that was drenching my shirt and helping make sure I had a bad hair day and sore muscle that I was already feeling. I wasn't exaggerating about the out of shape thing! I try to push myself as far as I can before I stop because there was a time that I couldn't have even went a short distance without having to stop just because I was already that pooped and ready to go back. On this trail and safe to say on every trail I have or will ever walk I am going to have to stop. No shame in that. Be it a trail you are walking or a trail you are going through in life. Somedays you just got to rest - who knows while you are resting someone might come along with something to say that will help you or you just might have something to say to help them. On one trail I recently walked I got to this part and there was lots of steps - good gravy if it didn't look like they went on forever - so I stood at the bottom of those steps thinking how am I going to make it up those steps (I got a knee sometimes both that like to remind me they hate climbing steps). Finally I had my right, well this ain't getting me no where so I take that first step and walk. I'd love to say I got up those steps in one take no stops and not even that out of breath and barely broke a sweat. I didn't. I got about half way and had to stop. As I was catching my breath I looked back and thought well I got pretty far before I had to stop then I look forward and thought oh my look how far I got to go. As I was standing there catching my breath I tried to change that first though of oh no look how far I still got to go to look how far you made it you can make it the rest of the way. So I've got my breath now and again I take that first step and this time though it looked forever away to the top of what I had left of those steps wouldn't you know I made it. Oh I forgot to mention see there was this woman and her dog that was walking ahead of me on the trail well she took those stairs and took them fast and didn't have to stop one time and was gone. That in my weird way of thinking is a good example of why you can't judge how fast or far you get in life or a trial. You see some people they face stuff and nip it in the bud and fast while you're still at the bottom of the stair case afraid to take the first step. Now that lady she was in better shape she was more prepared to go up those steps - just like it can be with some trails people face. I don't know what a person has had to go through how their faith or what have you has been exercised to be built up to take this trial or to get them so far. See there are some people that would look at both of us and how we took those stairs and some may say that woman won hands down and I lost big time. I'd say we both won. It's not in how fast you go walking a trail or enduring a trial in life. Starting out great doesn't always equal ending great and as much as I want a great start and to be able to enjoy the ride in between the start and finish a great ending is what I ultimately strive for. I want a well done kind of ending. That is my goal. See that day when I stopped halfway up those steps or that one time that I was halfway up a hill and became a tree hugger as I leaned against a tree to catch my breath I had two choices - actually three. I could say this isn't worth it and I'm just going back or I could say just let me catch my breath and I'll keep going forward or I could have rested there and just stayed there. Resting ain't quitting unless you want it to be. As I have said sometimes we all have to rest, you got to get the food and water be it literal or figurative to help build up what you have lost and give you strength. And some days even after you have rested and started walking forward well some days you just got tel yourself one step at a time baby one step at a time. Don't get so focused on how far you got to go or oh I only made it this far today. Some days that one step is all you needed to take that day, or at least for me some times that one step was like crossing a canyon and that's all I got in me for that day. And don't be in such a hurry - you never know the person that you might meet along the way that y'all can help each other or that stumble and even the rest just might be keeping you from an obstacle that you ain't prepared to properly face and defeat just yet.

Am I always going to pick up my thoughts and such on the right station - nope. Am I going to have days where I rest just a little bit to long until someone comes along and asks hey you coming - yeah to both.

Still may we be careful what station we pick up our own thoughts and where we are picking up the people that we travel this journey with. I am so thankful for the people that have become more like family, they are family and encourage, help and are a positive influence for this ride.

*Rest if you must but don't quit.
*Use those doubts and fears as blocks to build a bridge instead of a wall - that way you get to the other side and drown those doubts and fears too
 *You got this, look how far you have already made - good for you

Every day may not be perfect and I might not gracefully take the steps that I took that day but I want to keep going forward. I didn't come this far to stay here or to go back and if you ever see me start to go back please do not, I repeat do not hesitate to call me out on it or just grab my arm and say nope nothing back there you're destination is this way. We ain't getting out of this thing alive we might as well have each others backs - makes it less lonely and some days we all need a little help and encouragement.