Looking out the Window

Forgive me because I'm sure this has been an analogy I've used countless times but I have a terrible memory and it takes me a long time to get things sometimes. It still should be different enough from any other time I've wrote this so there is that at least. Picture it if you will you're in a room looking at what just seems like a wall but there is one area that is just a different enough color to make you wonder what that spot is, could it be part of the wall or something else? As you get closer you see just a big enough spot of something shining through this spot? What is this, is it a hole in the wall? So you wipe your hand across this and suddenly light shines through because this wasn't part of the wall at all there has been a window there this whole time. Now in my weird way of thinking I picture this room as how I see things, how I even see myself, actually perhaps even mostly how I see myself. At some point this window was very much visible and for whatever reason(s) it slowly got covered up with grime and dirt. I think of this grime and dirt as lies. Lies to keep out the truth, to keep out the light and to keep your light from shining out. Everyone has a story and in ways that story will be different of how the grime and dirt started piling up but each story is important and matters. I won't tell you how or why mine started building up but at some point I started believing the lie that I had to be perfect to earn people's love or for them to like me. That was one of the many things that has added layers upon layers of my window. If I was just perfect enough they won't leave (yet here's a kicker I also built up walls to keep people out, actually to help make that maybe make a bit more sense I built the walls up so I'd have a bit more control of how close you got to me and I got to you to protect me or what I thought was protecting me but I also thought I had to be perfect in everything I did in part for previously stated reasons and other reasons as well, I'd list them but some to be honest I'm still just figuring out myself and some I'm just about to open the door to see why.). Anyway I think a lot of people fall in the perfectionism category. We think we need the perfect house, perfect car, have to be the perfect size and have the perfect hair to find someone to love us, perfect job to make the perfect amount of money. Perfect, perfect perfect.....Lies, lies, lies. I saw a quote today from Steven Furtick today that stated, 'Perfectionism is the enemy of progress.' And I can believe that. There's other things that can build up the dirt too but I'm just going to leave it at this and move on to getting to see that little speck of light shining through. Short version of this is sometimes we may hear voices on the other side and curiosity gets the best of us so we wipe at this grimed up window and see what's on the other side, sometimes we need other people to help us see and wipe away the lies that have built up. And yes it is ultimately up to you but sometimes you have to have help. Also an area I struggle with but I'm getting a bit better with that, I think...okay I hope. I am getting a better understanding of my room and this window that has been blocking my view from the truth of who I am most of my life. Am I saying oh look I've typed this scenario and I'm who I want to be and everything is just fine now? No, no I am not I still have so many struggles and some days I feel like I'm getting a clear picture and view out of the window and some days I can barely see out. For example I have times where I get unbelievably anxious and my mind races with to many things to even list. I've learned there are certain things I do when this hits and sometimes it means hiding from people and sometimes I end up messaging a couple of people a lot (so sorry) with stuff that probably makes no sense cause I think so fast that it probably sounds like messed up ramblings. And sometimes I think I do both. Now when I struggle with this I should go to someone and just be honest with what's going on and see if they can help me but these moments are when the grime gets built up big time on my window and it's more difficult for me to be honest with myself and others of what's going on. I just say I'm fine because I believe the lie of what will people say and think if they knew well they'd leave or laugh or whatever. But that's all it is, is a lie. I'll never be perfect this side of heaven and I'll never be the person some people think I should be. I'll always be to much of something or not enough of this. Here's something else I sometimes deal with when trying to wipe away those lies...you are making some progress in getting through these lies to the truth but you slip up, fall back down on another area. A lot of times this is when I would think well I messed up again I'm not good enough, never going to make it and lies upon lies. However recently I've discovered what I decide to put after the conjunction (where as before it would be yeah but negative thought after negative condemnation about myself) now if I mess up or whatever and those lies try to attack I think Yeah I did mess up but look at how far I have made it, there was a time I wouldn't have tried that or Yeah I did but let's take the time to look at all of the bad habits or lies I'm not doing). I had a moment one day where the negative thoughts were trying to come after that conjunction and I though no not today I'm sorry conjunction junction is closed I ain't going there today. And again no one is going to have a lifetime of that window being perfectly clean, mine is getting cleaner and clearer than it has been for awhile, possibly ever but I have days when it gets blocked. And when this happens to you I hope you have people you can go to that will help you or as is sometimes the case with me when I try to hide people that will make sure you don't hide from them. Because there's nothing wrong with not having a perfectly clean window all of the time. And in the end it is important for that light and truth to get in so you can grow not to be perfect but to be who you really are and it's important that the light inside of you can get out so others can see it so you can help others.