Garden of Life

Have you ever been talking to someone and they give you a little nugget of advice and whether they intended for it to or not it hits on so very many levels? I had one of those moments the other day. To try to help this make a bit of sense I have been trying to learn pyrography, or wood burning, and I had said that if you could see the pieces in person that you could see mistakes that I have made on them. Then they said don't look for mistakes look at how far you've come (for the record if you are reading this, I owe you another hug for that). Because you see I tend to quite often get trapped and/or stuck in this fear and lie that causes me to focus on my mistakes and I forget to look at how far I have come. Forgive me because from here on it's probably going to go all over the place but you know that fear and lie that you have to be perfect, you have to do good works and earn people's friendships and for me I thought I had to earn God's love and forgiveness that I had to be a certain age and to do so many good things before God would even think about forgiving or loving me but a little more on that later on. Those lies and fears that get latched on and can suck the life out of you, literally, figuratively, spiritually, emotionally, physically and any other kind -lly there is. I recently got to see MercyMe in concert and Bart, the lead singer was talking about how he had grew up thinking he had to be and act certain ways and he had to keep doing works to earn God's love and that he had to be perfect and he talked about how he realized that was wrong and how in the past five years he has finally come to realize God loved him no matter what and kind of who God is and who he is to God. Distracted thought but have you ever been talking to someone, be it someone you've known for a long time or a stranger in the grocery store, and they just so happen to share part of their story or they add a little bit to a chapter of their story. I think that's so cool when people do that because you're getting a glimpse of who they are and maybe of what helped shape them into who they are. I've heard some  people's stories and I think no way, you went through that, I would've never guessed or the get out, you went through that too. To me no matter how big or little or important you may or may not think your story is if anyone ever shares any part of their story with me, I consider it an honor that you are willing to share because personally I struggle to be open enough to share any part of my story, to trust anyone with it so I'll listen wholeheartedly to anyone's story. Whether I've been through anything similar or not we can all always learn something from each other's story. But when He was talking about just now understanding who God is I could relate - there is a line from their song, Wishful Thinking, that says: Lord is it possible to get this far and just now understand who You are? I'm feeling foolish yet relieved as well  cause what I bought before, I just can’t sell...Because though I still am sometimes struggling with who God is and who I am to God in the past two or three years I have really started to understand that. I think I may have wrote this before but growing up because of certain circumstances and to some degree in my own way of thinking I was protecting myself I began to think and truly believe that God hated me, that I somehow kept doing things that was making God mad and that's why things kept happening and I thought I had to say and do things certain ways and I had to earn back God's love. I even had and to be honest still sometimes struggle with this fear that God will leave and forsake me.  I have a really weird way of understanding and sometimes even seeing things. Often I'll have random words and images pop in my head that somehow end up eventually making something I'm going through make a bit more sense. Over the years God has placed people in my life that have helped me also make my way through the thorns and vines of lies that had grown up. He also seems to use music and so many other things. One of them being the somewhat controversial movie The Shack. specifically when Mack meets Papa and He appears as a black woman and tells him I didn't think you could use a father figure right now. Some seem to have trouble with this but here's my take on it, not that it counts for anything but one God is so very many things that it would take a lifetime to even scratch the surface and there's not enough words in all of the languages combined to even remotely come close to explaining who He is. See growing up and a good chunck of my adult life I thought God was up there arms crossed disappointed in me at any moment going to turn His back and leave but now I'm getting that He loves me even when I mess up, he is comfort peace, joy, and so very much more. So when Papa shows up to Mack as a black woman that meant a lot to me because to me that represented protection, comfort, peace, and help. Even when Mack was sitting there and just being flat out honest with how he felt about certain circumstances that took place in His life, Papa didn't get mad and accuse Mack of all the things he didn't do or messed up on, he didn't walk away, He listened and ultimately explained and answered the accusations and questions Mack had. For me at least for some reason I have always been afraid to be honest with God and the times I was I was scared to death that I had messed up, well now God will never want to have anything to do with me again but it's the farthest thing from the truth. I saw a thing that stated don't rush things that need or take time to grow. I think people are like that. We somehow have this timetable of you're supposed to reach certain goals and things in life at or by a certain age. According to this timetable I am way off on every single thing and I am perfectly okay with that. Haven't always been because I look at it like a flower garden. Sometimes circumstances in life come along and delay the preparation of the ground, sometimes wrong seeds get planted and when they start growing you realize that is not what you wanted to plant so you got to dig it up and prepare the ground again and plant the right seed. Sometimes people and other circumstances come along just when the flowers are really growing and this is just going to be a beautiful garden and they walk all over the flowers and they seemingly completely and utterly destroy the garden. And sometimes at this point you just want to give up you may even sit down awhile and not work on the garden for some time it may even end up being so long that vines and thorns so taking over and when you do get back to working on the garden you got to face some things and dig up some things that will hurt, those thorns will cut and those vines will cause some blisters but you realize that those vines and thorns or fears, lies, hurts was never ever supposed to be a part of your garden and those cuts and blisters do truly heal. So you keep on keeping on and you replant the seeds. Sometimes you have a friend come along that helps you pull up the weeds, helps you water the flowers and will just sit with you to help you see how far the flowers have come along. Because there are times and that we think things aren't growing fast enough aren't happening at the right time and there are times that others not purposefully meaning anything by it I don't think but they will make it seem like you or your flower garden isn't growing or near what it should be. Which is why one should always be careful of who they let in to help and/or see their garden if you will. I'm slowly realizing that it's not how big your garden is or how fast it has grown that makes it something amazing to look at. Because when many people look at my garden they probably just see a mess but I see something that has seen a fair share of wrong seeds planted and taken root for a really long time,  where storms tried to completely destroy the garden and there are spots that still have some thorns and vines some spots where some seeds need to be planted but I am a bit hesitant and afraid to plant them, some areas where flowers are blooming and even some trees are taking root. It might not be growing as fast as I or even others like or think it should but my garden known as me as went through some stuff that was meant to destroy it but it's coming out better and for the flowers and trees left to grow, I'm not going to rush but will take the time to do what is needed to help them grow. And I won't look for any mistakes in my garden but focus on how far it has made it and continue to help do my part in making sure it grows and gets the right seeds planted all while also being very thankful and appreciative of the people that God has placed in my life to help me continue to grow.