Whispers of Hope

I'm not a very loud person, I am fairly certain I have unintentionally annoyed several people cause I couldn't talk loud and they couldn't hear me. I promise I am not doing it on purpose, I am trying to talk where I can be heard and to me it feels like I am yelling, like I am giving it my all. Have you ever been sick with a sore throat and you're trying to talk and it's just not getting above a whisper? That is probably a good idea of what it is like trying to hear me talk! That is actually a good unintentional lead way into another thought.

Sometimes I get random thoughts (I call them that someone once told me that I think that they are random but they are really from God) and I will also get random pictures pop in my head (we won't even talk about the dreams I have sometimes that could very much fall in this little category!). Yes, I probably do need a straight jacket and padded walls too! However, if you so wish to continue reading I think I would like to write about a few of these random thoughts.

I love lighthouses I think they are a perfect representation of a beacon of hope. I am terrified of heights but even with that fear when I look at or even climb a lighthouse I always think of hope and how we are sometimes knowingly or unknowingly a light to others. Now I'm one to not stand tall, I quite often walk looking at the ground and we've established how quiet I am. By all means just those few things alone should disqualify me from being a lighthouse but that would be wrong. Being a light has been one of those random thoughts. This world can get dark, it make you feel alone and isolated very easily and those are some of the worst feelings ever. It is in those dark moments that I imagine it is how a sailor felt when he was alone on his boat at night and may have been having trouble navigating even felt alone and so lost. Maybe he was thinking to himself now what do I do and as he started looking around it was pitch black and he is going in a circle and when he about to give up almost completing his circle he sees this light. It's the lighthouse. Suddenly, he has hope again, he knows where he is at and now a better idea of how far away he is from shore. Someone recently said how sometimes we may be the only light people see. Some people will think me, really, but how I am to quiet, to young, to old, to something. That's where you would be very wrong. Yes, you may be one or more of those but doesn't mean you can't be a light. There have been people that has been a light to me and they still don't know it and in ways you would never even think about. You don't have to have elegant speech, a lot of money in your bank account, or be a certain age to be a lighthouse in someones life. A friend sent me a message the other day and they have no idea how that message came at just the right time and they were a lighthouse to me that day. Never, ever underestimate or ignore that little nudge to tell someone something or to do something with someone even if it's just to go up and give them a hug. I promise you whether you know it or not there is a reason why you feel like you need to say or do that. That person may be circling around in the dark looking for a light and that simple thank you for being my friend, or are you doing okay I've had you on my mind or if you are able to go to them and just give them a hug - you just became a lighthouse. I know they say never say never - but never ignore those little nudges no matter how much you have to step out of your comfort zone or if your like me how much you feel like you may be a bother to the person.

So recently I posted something on Facebook that stated my little heart could just burst with joy and that is just from what has happened in the past two weeks. I guess...well I'm not really sure actually what people thought I meant but some asked what my news was. I thought first am I really that private of a person that no one really knows much of my story past or present chapters. I also thought wouldn't it be funny if I commented I met a guy from Ireland, we're getting married and I'm moving to Ireland....bazinga. No but I'm just so happy because so many dreams are coming true. Have you ever got to do something and someone ask you bet you never thought you could say you got to (insert whatever dream thing you got to do here) did you? I have bucket lists - none that I have actually written down but I keep mental notes of them and I have different bucket lists - concert lists, travel lists, even just little things I hope to do with certain people one day. And the last two weeks found me marking off lots on each of those bucket lists. Some times we go through dry spells don't we? Those times where you are just going through the motions, feel like you are the hamster in the wheel, and you still have that hope that certain dreams will happen and certain things will come to pass but it's getting a little dried up. (Kind of feel like here is where you would hear Cassandra say Moisturize me...Doctor Who reference just in case no one has seen that.). Sometimes right when you have taken that last big gulp of air before you sink and think this is the end is when you see that light and/or someone grabs you arm and picks you up. This past Saturday I got to go see Terri Clark and Suzy Bogguss at Renfro Valley and I got to meet them afterwards and get their autograph. I even talked to them and they heard me! Suzy Bogguss looked at me and asked if I had ever thought about picking (music...I mean I don't know someone might read that and think she meant my nose or something!!). I went on to say I wish but I don't although I have a guitar and mandolin and Terri Clark said well don't just let them sit around collecting dust. And then as I was walking away Terri said it was nice to meet you April. Here is where I would love to tell you I have gotten my guitar and mandolin out every day since then and have been practicing and stuff but that would be a lie. Though I haven't done that yet with that simple question and with Terri saying what she did (as well as Suzy saying some of the songs on the CD I bought of hers only had three chords and were easy to try to learn - a good place to start if you will) that really encouraged me.  So if you want an answer to what is making my little heart burst with joy it is that I am getting what I mean to people, I have amazing people in my life that mean the world to me - I even get to call a couple of them mom and pop, I have gotten to go traveling and seeing places that I dreamed about, I have gotten to go to concerts and meet singers that their music I would listen to to pass time and to try to distract my mind on those days it liked to get really loud. That's why I am so happy, that little kid that was always so afraid to let people in that was so afraid that she was to backwards and wouldn't ever be able to do anything, well she has gotten to do oh so very much and I'm just getting started. If I was to use pictures to tell my story I could sum it up in three pictures - chains, a bird cage and a road. At some point and to some degree of time we are all bound by some kind of chain that holds us back I think - some of us have a lot of chains or one that the lock is rusted and you think you are not ever going to break free from it. I have had lots of chains broken - shattered - and though there has been no magic I am right where I want to be now that the chains are broken I have been able to move forward and make progress toward getting to where I want to be, where I have meant to be all along. A bird cage because if a bird has been in a cage for so long it may take some coaxing and a while for them to realize the door is open and they can fly out. People are like that too. We stay so long in our comfort zones, or in the lies and fears that we don't realize the door has been opened and we can be free. Also because when I think of a bird I think of them chirping or singing and sometimes maybe a bird loses its song or forgets some of the words oh but that moment when it remembers or finds its voice again - that's the most beautiful version of that song you will ever hear. I think the same goes for people. When they find their song or remember the words to their song  and you see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice - I think that's true beauty right there. And a road because I have traveled some interesting roads - literally while driving and figuratively while making my way through life. Some I have traveled and they looked like they would be safe, in good condition and I would even see some pretty views along the way and that wasn't always the case. Sometimes those turned in to the worst roads I could have ever traveled. Some roads I got on they were just gravel roads, had some rough places and even got narrow but boy have some of those roads had some of the best views and met some of the best people on those roads. My hope is I never stand to long at a road questioning whether it is a good road to take and all the scenarios my mind could come with and end up not taking any road. I'd rather take the wrong road and turn around and get back on track or take the road that may start out rough but you find it was the right road and it has some amazing views. I'd rather do either of those than just standing at the road and never taking any road. To me that is the worst kind of confusion than any I may have on whatever road I take. You can always turn around but you can't do anything if you don't go.

I titled this whispers of hope and I don't know if it really goes with what I have written but sometimes I'll get little phrases pop in my head and sometimes those phrases will not leave me alone and I will even see things that make me think of it randomly. For example flying and in particular an eagle flying has in some way quite often played a role in popping up in various ways - why I don't know - probably nothing. Then those three words keep coming to mind - whispers of hope. Sometimes, it can take a really long time to find that hope, sometimes it can be loud and so very obvious and sometimes it's just a little whisper. Whether it's loud or just a whisper never stop believing or looking for hope.