Now what?

Can't never could do anything....you know my brain goes about 100mph with thoughts, like constantly, and y'all think I'm quiet take a ride in my head it's loud in there but in it's travels thus far this morning those first few words came to mind. Actually I was thinking about something and thought I can't do that then I thought I say I can't a lot and then I thought can't never could do anything...Keeping up so far? I'm not so there's no telling where else this may go. Funny how sometimes I'll be going through something, not having told anyone or just be thinking something and it seems I see something or someone says something that goes right along with what I'm thinking or going through. Today keeping with the can't theme for a bit longer I saw a painting/drawing of a bear holding a pencil marking something out. On the wall was written 'what if I can't' but the bear was marking out the t so it now said what if I can and I loved the quote the the artist wrote with it (by the way it was on the Facebook page for My Painted Bear, you should check out her page or website) but she had written: strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't. You are so much stronger than you think.... You also ever notice how the fears, lies and such get so very much louder and more intimidating the closer you get to where you are supposed to be even if that getting closer is just taking one step forward. Like you manage one step forward thinking oh that wasn't that bad I can do this and BAM!! out of no where here comes an army of lies and fears and junk that makes you want to tuck tail and run - figuratively cause I don't run in real life, thirty two years and some days I still can't quite get the walking thing. but what a shame one can't literally lose weight from the figurative running from things. So here's where I find myself, I feel all of my life has been nothing but being stuck on a carousal  of going in circles of the same fears, lies, etc. then the past year or so has been me trying so very much and failing oh so badly at trying to move forward and I have made a few steps forward but I've been figuratively running back more times then I can count but each time I feel like I'll start to run back and after a few steps I have a wait a minute what am I doing moment and stop and have a stare down with the walls and stuff keeping me from going forward. Some days I win and get that step forward, some days the fears, lies, etc. wins and either runs me back a few steps or at least stops me from going anywhere. In a way it gives me strength and hope because it has to mean that place where I'm trying my absolute best to get to must have an amazing view and something big is going to happen when I get there or it wouldn't be such a fight, would it?

So apparently quiet people can make people nervous, who knew? I'm just content in my little corner listening but I guess sometimes it can seem like I'm not listening or what you're saying isn't getting through to me. As I briefly wrote on a FB post I promise I am listening and am making notes to what you are saying. Now sometimes it's a struggle to listen because you wouldn't believe the battle that is going on in my head but still most of what you say is getting through and though it may take me a while to apply any advice given it is there and I'm fighting with everything in me to take the advice to heart and apply it. I'm not sure who said it but I read once that quiet people have the loudest minds. I'm not sure how true it is but I tell you some days I do wish I could find that mute button. But either way I don't mean to be rude in anyway if I ever come across that way.

I titled this 'Now, what?' and if I had to answer that I think today I choose to face these fears and lies and such even if it is with trembling knees even if it means today I get that step forward but tomorrow I get knocked down because I will get back up and face them again because though I may be quiet I've a feeling this quiet girl has an amazing journey if I just keep moving forward.

You must become unshakable in the belief that you that you are worthy of a big life ~ K Lohr

 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
Psalm 91:4

Life, eh?

We said together, wistfully, 'Life, eh?' It says everything without having to say anything: that we all experience moments of joyful or painful reflection, sometimes alone, sometimes sharing laughs and tears with others; that we all know and appreciate that however wonderful and precious life is, it can equally be a terribly confusing and mysterious beast. 'Life, eh?
-Is It Just Me by Miranda Hart (if you choose to read this book, and you should, nay you must read this book because it is hilarious)

Life - a joke I'm not sure I'll ever get and sometimes I feel like the punchline, or is today your turn to be the punchline...who knows? If you do can I have a hint, just a little one? No...okay, moving on. Wait, do you know which way we're supposed to turn? Oh dear I think I may be going in circles, now to find that button to stop this part of the ride and move on. In my driving adventures to see what I can find to take pictures of I generally just see a road and take it making several turns not always paying attention or thinking through said turns. This often results in me back tracking myself and ending up close to where I began which I jokingly think is a rather perfect analogy of how I find myself managing this ride called life. It's a peculiar ride isn't it? In real life I can't handle rides like roller coasters and such and sometimes I can't handle this life ride. Usually it is in these moments where I'm like nope I want off this ride, can't do it anymore, then life (I should say God cause I'm convinced they are God moments) brings someone to help in one or more of a variety of ways....oooh squirrel moment totally random thought but you know I always call life a ride and like a roller coaster has so many carts where people sit and throughout our life we'll have people get on the ride some only stay for a ride or two some longer. In my ride I'm cool with you riding along but I'm not the best at letting people sit in my cart with me. Don't judge, and I'm getting somewhat better about it...maybe, possibly...probably not but I'm trying so there's that. Actually a peculiar thing seems to be happening because be it good or not I am usually really good at keeping people at a distance (nothing against you, I have my reasons though, not important). However, it seems that barrier is slowly, albeit very slowly, it is disappearing. I'm still not quite sure how to feel about that but I suppose it's time to see what's on the other side of that barrier. (Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this? - Esther 4:14b) but enough about my ride. In general I guess it's important to appreciate those on your ride called life and know it's okay to let people even sit in your cart because everyone is on your ride for some reason. Some will stay for a long time some just a short while but they will make some kind of impact. And yes there will be some that get on your ride that will not be out to help you but they are there for a reason too just make sure you don't try to keep them on the ride longer then you should and don't forget to take a ride or two on your friends ride called life because as you read in the quote earlier (you didn't skip the quote did you, scroll back up and read the quote even if you read it, it's good enough to read again!) as wonderful and precious as life can be it can be terribly confusing and mysterious too. A much appreciated and heart felt thank you to those that have found their way on my ride and I hope I have been more help than hindrance to those I have been on your ride called life. Because I still ain't getting the joke! Life, eh?