Typing the Night Away

I guess with my last post I should have put a footnote with the first paragraph. That note would have said, *Not every day that starts out and even stays overwhelming and/or bad am I able to just laugh it off and pretend everything is okay because some days it's just to much and all I can do is just throw my hands up and say I give up (end of footnote). As I posted on FB sometimes all you can do is sit down for a bit and think (really hope) that tomorrow will be better. I say all of that because go figure after I post that about bad days and laughing them away a couple days ago I had a really bad day and couldn't find anything to laugh, or even have a good cry over, so I did the throwing my hands up in defeat and frustration. Later in the day I found myself at a place I could just sit down by myself for a brief moment and not think or do anything but listen to the sound of water cascading over rocks which is so relaxing and calming. It's hard to be in a terrible mood while listening to that. And while on the subject of bad moods, apparently it's rare I show people my bad moods and what not because I had someone say you rarely ever let things get to you or have a bad day. It would seem I'm a better actor then I thought. It really does take a lit to get to me, well get where I'm vocal about it getting to me and will show that I'm bothered or will talk to someone about it. Granted, there are a few people that know me well enough that I can't fool them at all (they've not pushed the subject when I said nothing is wrong but I don't think I fooled them.) I am human and do have my limits and some days I just can't handle it as well as others, or what usually happens is I have tried to tuck away to much in a very limited space and a feather falls down on that pile and barely touches all that I've bottled up and before you know it....hello bad day and break down. As the saying goes, fall down seven times get back up eight (no matter how bad I fall on those terrible days what's important is that I get back up even if I have to ask for help.)

Have you ever been talking and/or listening to a conversation and someone will say you said something you know good and well that was not what you really said or even close to a summary to what you said. Makes you wonder what conversation they was a part of or where their thoughts was at when you said what you really did say. I guess it is true people hear and see what they want to, at least at times. I've occasionally tried to correct them but they always go back to the incorrect wording of what I said. Part of me wants to ask when I said that but obviously it wouldn't help or matter because they will always be convinced that is what I said. So I generally just say sure, or nothing at all, and correcting it in my mind or just thinking that is not what I said. I don't know maybe the way I talk or phrase things it does sound like that's what I'm saying and my true meaning and point isn't heard or understood. Oh well it is what it is and apparently sometimes I find it irritating.

You know if I could talk to people as easy as Ican animals, especially dogs, it would make things so much easier. I may could even have an easier to follow conversation with my friends for once in my life. Small talk with people equals awkwardness and panic but small talk with an animal I can do that because there's no pressure and they are great listeners! Of course my true friends have patience with me and for that I'm grateful so it's all good I reckon. Still it'd be nice if small talk, or at least talking in general, wasn't always so difficult.

Have you ever heard the saying, if your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either. I agree animals and even kids can be a fairly good judge of people. With that being said when that statement is pointed directly at me I would question whether it could be true or not. It seems I can fool dogs, generally anyway, and they like me. I had one follow me around at a park before and one walk with me from my car to my uncles house. So either I am good at fooling dogs (and people) and making them think I'm a decent person or I'm fooling myself to think I'm not a very good person, a combination of the two or there's nothing to said statement at all. I have more scenarios but by now I imagine you get the point and no need to write them. I don't have a dog so I'll try not to over think it and just be glad when a dog (and of course people) like me.

You ever have friends that are more like family. I like to call them framily - people that start out as friends but before you know it they become more like family then just friends. Those kinds of friends are the rarest kinds of friends which makes it even more special when you find them.

I think I'm finished now :)

One day I'll think of a good title...today is not that day

Ever have one of those days where so much goes wrong that all you can do is laugh (or cry but I try to laugh, especially if people are around). I had one of those today. It was one of those you might as well laugh about it cause getting frustrated about it doesn't usually end well. Would you look a-there I may have learned my lesson from that time I injured myself because of my lack of patience and abundance of frustration.

I hate how if someone gives me a compliment I automatically go to you got the wrong person and/or what do you want. After I remind myself to take it and say thank you and realize they meant it and no strings attached. It is nice to be thanked for something you do. Not that I do anything solely for that. I don't ever even want to do anything for recognition or to earn brownie points with someone. Anyway, point being I totally fail at accepting compliments and what not.

I love it how sometimes something as simple as a television show can connect you to people and you make great friends. I owe Doctor Who and Castle for letting that happen. In the case of Doctor Who there's a little boy that will come up to me now and talk Doctor Who. I love it cause it's interesting to see things, including that show, through his eyes but can I tell you a secret that little boy has taught me so much and not about a television show. When you see things through the lens kids see you get so much more of the picture and a more honest view. I've learned so much about my own walk of faith, or to be honest sometimes lack of it, when I see this young fellow ask for prayer for people and believing God will heal them and seeing him not be ashamed to be seen praying. People don't give kids enough credit. They remind you of the simple things and help you see things your adult eyes and way of thinking can so often prevent you from being able, or wanting to.

Speaking of God I've wrestled with a few things I've wanted to post and I'm still not sure if I'm supposed to make a post or if it's all just for me and where I'm at right now. So as I wait a while longer on that I do want to write a couple of things. First, why do we try to fit God in this itty-bitty box and limit Him then people will ask where are you God. In that box you shoved and hid Him away in. It's not that He can't but to often we hinder Him. Like those people that interrupt you every time you try to talk. I think we do that sometimes along with putting Him in that box. I recently had someone say I should be out of church by a certain time and I said not necessarily how you get that. And there response was well you're supposed to be (the time they gave would have me in church exactly one hour, no more no less). Apparently along with that life is fair when.. book I didn't get the book on correct church service etiquette. But that's an example of putting God in a box. It's like people say alright God I'll give you a couple hours on Sunday (including Sunday School) and an hour on Wednesday then you got to go back in the box until something is goes wrong then I'll come let you back out. We don't like it when friends only contact us when they want something and don't know us all other times yet we do God the same way sometimes. God's done to much for me to try to keep Him in a box and hidden until I need Him because I need His help and guidance everyday, all day.

Lastly, unlike a preacher saying they'll close ten times I really will stick with the two points I said I would, I often hear people say they say their a Christian and they said or did this. Said statement comes from Christians and non Christians alike. Many will say that person is a hypocrite and yes there are hypocrites in the church, always has been always will be down here anyway. A Christian isn't perfect they make mistakes but when they fall, and they will, they try to make it right and ask for forgiveness. And for the ones pointing fingers always remember you'll always have more fingers pointing back at yourself and that goes for anything and everything you judge others on for failing and such. Christians should be willing and ready to pray for, well everyone, but I also feel they should do so for that person that is struggling in an area. I believe we are all capable and have areas where we can help people. I believe people are in our lives for a reason and often times it's to help and encourage them through things they struggle with. So long story short don't judge if you ain't willing to help that person in whatever way you can because as I saw on a quote be an encourager the world already has enough critics. Love people, give them time and chances to grow before you go saying there's no chance and try to pull them up and discard them like a flower you planted and after one day said it's not going to do any good, there's no hope because there is always hope until the last breath.

Oh just another post

I was going to get on my soap box but decided nah, I'll just sit back here with my feet propped up on it and see where the topics of this post go.

Fall (or autumn, if you prefer the correct title), is finally here and I'm pretty excited. The weather is so beautiful this time of year cause you still get a few warm days but without that humidity it's nicer. I am, however, trying to keep thoughts of winter at bay. Enjoy the moment, right? No need dreading and fretting over something that may not be that bad and if it is I sure have no control over the weather, just how many layers and trying to limit my complaining and see the positive in it instead.

Working my life away, not getting nothing but a headache. Working my life away, ready for a vacay (vacation wouldn't really work). Squirrel! It happens...a lot. Love it when I say a phrase and it reminds me of something, generally a song, and I try to write my own version of said song to something. Fun times. Okay, lame but whatever it passes time by. I'm thankful for my job but sometimes it saddens me to realize just how much time I spend at work. There's no fulfillment, nothing to step back and look at and say I can make a difference. Oh well, guess it's a phase I'm going through and I think it's called Adulthood with Responsibility.

You ever said or did something you immediately thought why did I do that. Happens to me a lot. In fact, I need to get me a new book to write these moments in because my current one just got full! I end up sticking my foot in my mouth all the time. I saw a thing one time that said something like, 'remembers mistake made in conversation years ago...gets embarrassed again.' I do that all the time. With my most recent event I've kicked myself over it but then thought well this isn't helping. It is what it is if it's a major goof up there should be some scenario to fix it, fairly certain it's not the end of the world like I will make it if kept worrying

Time, I don't use it wisely...and this proves it

You ever notice how in television shows and/or movies when a person is typing it looks like they hardly ever hit the space bar and/or backspace. Just once I think they should make the person hit the backspace button and they should have it at a crucial part when the person has to type in a very important message. Picture it: action scene bad guy about to knock the door down, good guy typing in the life saving message to stop the bad guys and save the world, dramatic music playing in the background. Camera pans from bad guy to good guy typing. He's supposed to type: FANTASTIC CODE GOES HERE but instead types I FORGOT MY LINE....he still saves the world just in time.

Ever notice if you say Hyundai a lot it sounds like someone saying Hi Andy. Let's not forget the Yukon, I can't see one of them without saying Yukon do it...you know cause Yukon sounds like someone saying You can. What can I say, sometimes music isn't enough to pass the time by while I drive. And the truth is...shiny...seriously it takes absolutely nothing and everything to distract and humor me so I take whatever I can and run with it, metaphorically speaking of course cause I can't eveen safely speed walk.

Things I don't understand:
- Why I wrote the previous paragraphs
- What is so difficult about merging...there are signs and arrows painted on the road warning you the lane ends. Yet people will still get to the end and suddenly panic and not want to get over like they think maybe if I sit here long enough a lane will magically appear and keep going. It won't, please just give up and finally merge so we both can continue on our journey.
-Why autocorrect is like some people and thinks it knows what I'm trying to say and fixes it before I'm done and I think nope that's not where I was going with that how about you just let me finish saying it and mess it up on my own.
- Why politicians suddenly turn into five year olds at election time (okay all the time but way worse at election time.) All the commercials sound like a whiny kid saying (s)he took my crayon (or potential vote) now let me kick, jump and scream and talk about what a big meanie my opponent is. Really? Just, really? Look I vote because I appreciate and respect the hard fight to get me that right but those commercials are beyond a waste of money that could go to actually, oh I don't know, help people (gasp! what an outrageous thing to think I know.).

I think that will conclude my Things I Don't Understand list. I think that will conclude this post.

Ooooh one last one if you read all of that I don't understand how you did but hopefully you at least laughed once cause saying this was such a waste, mess or just no thought at all to sum up what you just read is a safe bet to occur.

A Ride on Random Express

Figured it's about time for another ride on the Rambling Express, so if you got your ticket and are ready...All aboard!

(If you are on FB you will have already read about this first tidbit of information so you can read it again since I will no doubt add something different or skip to the next paragraph.) About a month ago I had sent in a poem to a contest held by a publishing company. Last week-ish I got a letter from them and it stated my poem had advanced to the semi-finals and because of that it would be included in the multi-volume books it would publish of the poems sent in from this current contest. Now if you read that post about me sending a poem in I had said that all I wanted was for it to get to the stage where I could say I had a poem published so for that to have happened I am very happy. Granted, not bragging on my writing because sixty to seventy percent of the poems advance to the semi-finals. I'm not really expecting  to go any further but if I do that's fantastic. So I posted a picture of the letter on FB and got some super nice comments and such that I really do appreciate and I had a cousin that wanted to know what poem I had submitted so I copied it in the comment section so she could read it. And to be honest her comment probably meant more to me then reading the letter that I had gone on to the semi final round. She stated that she could relate to the poem and other stuff but that part meant a lot because that particular poem is 100% me and for someone else to read it and say I feel that way too it's something I guess everyone breaths a sigh of relief that they are not the only one. Because that poem is so much of me the comments, making it on to the next, all of it just means a lot because I'm not always, or even very often, an open book are a very easy one to read and to share my writings makes me always feel very vulnerable.

Well that was a beautiful quick little stop, now it's time to go on to our next stop and on the way I would like to take this time to ramble about another little thought I had while driving home last night and that was life is like a waiting room. Most everyone has had to be in a waiting room of some sort at some point in your life be it waiting on a doctors appointment or waiting in a hospital waiting room for news of some sort. When you're in these waiting rooms you may bring a book, catch up on the latest pics and quotes uploaded to FB, flip through the magazines in the waiting room, talk to a stranger or family member, or maybe even find it's the perfect time and place to say a prayer. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in life's waiting room while I'm waiting on perhaps news of some sort, deciding which particular road I should take on my latest journey in life, or whatever else could be added. Just like how when you're in the waiting room at the doctors office sometimes waiting in life's waiting room can seem to take forever and you are never going to hear your name called and be able to go through the door and proceed to the next part of your journey. Kinda, but not really, like how what you bring to the real waiting room to help pass the time by can really help make sure the time passes by how you decide to pass the time by and what you bring along while you feel like you're in that waiting room can not only help the time pass by but help you potentially grow while you are waiting and that can sometimes be the biggest lesson learned and the most profound experience that we'll always remember and not what happens when we hear our name called and we get to walk through the door to the next round.

I sometimes think I drive to long to have thoughts like that but then they seem to pop up when I'm trying to sleep to so there really is no escaping them. We're having a brief delay while another train comes through you may take this time to get up and stretch or what have you at this time we're not sure how long the delay will be but thank you for your patience.

Alright, looks like that didn't take to long now we can continue with our journey. I'm one that believes that actions speak louder than words and treat people how you want to be treated because I see everyone as a story, weird perhaps but I do, to me we're all a living breathing story that whether we know it or not or even believe it has more people to share it with then we may ever realize and more people that it will help in ways we may never fully know or understand. Where am I going with this? I have absolutely no idea I am just typing what pops in my head cause I was tired of seeing the cursor blinking at me.Something happened the other day that just kind of got me thinking maybe I make a bigger impact on people than I even realize. Whether I do or not I'll probably never truly know or even believe if I did happen to find out but what I do know is that I always want to take the time to get to know people, to know their stories and make sure they know their story matters. Many of those stories, and most definitely the people behind them, have helped me in ways I can never repay or truly thank them. You know how sometimes in wills or whatnot they say a person has to wait until a certain age to receive a particular item(s) I sometimes wonder if life doesn't come with a will of some sort (bare with me I do know where I'm going with this one). For months before I turned 30 I was full out panicking about it now that I've been this age for a few months I am loving being thirty. Apparently, thirty was my year to receive a few things that wasn't quite available to me in my twenties. This year, in particular the last few months, it's like I got a package and I was finally allowed to open it and with that I got some long awaited knowledge and acceptance of myself. I look back and I see that I stayed in some places to long and some not enough but everyone got me to this point and this road I'm on now though it may have pot holes, curves and hills the ride I'm in is making it feel like a smooth ride. I got to remember to keep up the maintenance of my ride and there's going to be times no matter what I do it won't be so smooth but all in all thirty has been my favorite birthday and year so far.

Well that was quite the random stops we had on today's ride but I thank you for riding along. Just because this quote from Shrek has randomly been floating in my head I'll leave you with it and thank you for riding this weeks Random Express.

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes... No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. CAKE! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes

Titles are not easy to think of...

In a couple of weeks, if my math is correct, autumn will make its arrival. I'm excited about this because that means six days later the new season of Castle begins! Seriously, I am missing my new episodes of Castle but thank God for reruns. I'm also looking forward to it because autumn and spring are my favorite seasons. I love the weather in both seasons and the various things that come with both seasons fashion and food wise (I get to bring out my hoodies and boots and let us not forget hot chocolate!). Not only that but in a way, at least for me, both seasons represent a kind of change and new beginnings. It's a time of the year that the animals are preparing to make it through the winter and oh-to-soon-to-arrive cold weather, the leaves are changing colors and slowly falling to the ground. You wait months to see the beautiful colors of all of the leaves as they change and then they all fall to the ground so you wait those months anxiously waiting for the day you see the first sign of new life in spring. I guess it's a sort of reminder that there is a reward for all the waiting and work you have to do for change and what you have to do to be who you want to be or something like that! It's hard to explain but just like there are seasons and each has it's own reward and beautiful thing about it so is each season of ones life. There is change, there is work to be done and lots of waiting to see that change but in the end it's worth it. I can't see the new leaves and flowers blooming without seeing the leaves change and fall and try to patiently wait through the winter season.

I feel like I'm always writing on here about my walls that I have built up and working on taking them down. The other day I realized a couple of things and one of those was a big chunk of my walls have fallen down. I also have, or am truly with more accuracy seeing the lies that I have been used for the foundation to keep these walls up are just that - nothing but lies. It's like the more I'm realizing this the more the foundation for these walls is cracking and parts of the walls are coming down and I'm hoping they shatter into such small pieces there isn't anyway I can rebuild them. It's as though I built these walls and foundations up thinking they were great protection and on good solid ground that I wanted to stay on for a long time only to realize that I didn't build any windows or door so who I am can't be seen nor can I truly get to other people and the ground is pretty shaky, muddy and not a good place to stay. As these chunks of foundations and walls fall down I'm slowly moving out and rebuilding on the place I really am supposed to be. Which is just mumbo jumbo talk to say I get that being that quiet girl that loves to read and had rather listen to people tell stories and or talk is perfectly okay and it's perfectly fine to build a door and let people in so they can visit for awhile and we can sit by the window and chat even.

This makes my 150th post on my blog, never thought I'd write that many when I first started this. You know what that means? I successfully found 150 different ways to say the same thing!

I had a reason for writing this but not sure what it was now

Recently I was in Lifeway and was walking through the book section because I can't go in a store and not look at books. Before I even go on what follows is nothing against the store Lifeway nor any of the books/products that are found in the store. If you've ever been in there you've no doubt seen those racks they have in the middle with these booklets that focus on specific areas people may want help in figuring out how to change. Normally, I go right by that and straight to another area of the books. Nothing against them, specifically those booklets, because I'm sure they have helped people but me personally I can't read them because inevitably they just end up causing me more confusion then helping. With that being said for some unknown reason I was walking by on my merry little way to the other books when I saw one of those booklets (or whatever you call them) and noticed one titled friendships. Again for whatever reason I stopped and picked it up. Opened it up to a random page, like you do, and it just so happens I turn to a page that is talking about self-absorbed friends. It had bold faced titles and examples of these people. The first one included pride then I skipped down a couple and saw a title followed by the example of shy. Now that one really got my attention so I then skipped down to the paragraph below these examples and read the first couple of sentences. It basically was saying these types of friends can be bad, now it may have ended with a but wait these can be good friends to have if...but I didn't get that far. After I read that first part I had a I...but wait...yup...nope moment and just closed it and put it back. This is not the first time I've ever heard being shy described as being selfish in some way. It could be argued that this is bothering me because there is some truth to it and that may be the case but I don't think it is 100 percent the reason and here's why. First, this is why I have such a problem with labels and trying to fit people in a category because of certain traits they have. To me people are more than just labels and besides that I think it's safe to say that no one 100% falls under a specific label. For some they are quiet around large groups but get them around their close friends and they are very talkative yet they get the label of introvert, quiet, or shy. There are a lot of factors in how people are around others and to restrict them to one specific label well you only restrict yourself from potentially getting to know one of the best people you may ever meet. To say a person is selfish because they are quiet is just ludicrous to me. Rich, poor, quiet or loud if you are human you have it in you to be selfish and because one is quiet does not automatically mean they have selfish motives or are self absorbed. I don't fully understand why there seems to be this stigma for quiet people. Not to do a woe to the quiet people because there is some level of negative for every thing but I know quiet and I can talk about what I know. Or should I say I know certain levels of quiet but there are so many different kinds of quiet (just more proof why you can't definitively label someone). Have I ever done anything with selfish motives? Yeah, I may not remember an exact event but I think it's safe to say at some point in my thirty years I have. Was it solely because I'm shy/quiet? No, that quite possibly didn't even influence it. I think it's bothering me because I'm not fully understanding how or why they get that a shy person is being selfish. From my perspective of my shyness I've not ever thought watch this I'm going to act like I can't go up to this person and ask them for something so I can con someone into doing it for me. Nope, nine times out of ten, I've wrestled with it and played scenarios of the conversation in my head and did the whole come on April it's not that bad you can do this in my head (see we really don't need anyone reminding us it's not that difficult or I don't understand why you can't just go up there and ask, etc.) Because it's so fun constantly being told you are so quiet, or why don't you just ask/talk it's no big deal. I think people say that as a means to try to lighten it up and not make the issue at hand as serious but it just does the opposite, at least for me. If it bothers someone, no matter how little or much, it's a big deal to that person. Reading that whole thing just made me wonder and kind of realize just how much quiet people are misunderstood. It's almost like it's considered not normal to be quiet. It's like everyone is constantly saying be yourself but they forget that sometimes being oneself is actually being quiet and that's okay. A person shouldn't be made to feel bad because they like to take a few minutes to get just the right word to answer a question they were asked, or they are no good at small talk but get them talking on a subject they enjoy and you may just find you can't get a word in, and so on of examples of what sometimes people try to portray as there's something wrong with you because you like to do them. Just like we all like different foods, even eat the same kind of foods differently each personality trait has an advantage, and yes sometimes a disadvantage. I know for me I test my friends patience because it takes forever for me to truly open up and God bless the few true friends I have because with all my quirks good and bad they still consider me a friend. I've recently found and been reading several articles on introverts and highly sensitive personalities and one, it's fantastic to finally read something that describes me and has actually helped me better understand my personality. I wish I could find the link to one I recently read but it mentioned in it how people need introverts if for nothing else but for us to listen and another one mentioned how it's good to know a highly sensitive person because they have the empathy that you sometimes need when you are going through something. I think it's safe to say everyone has something in their personality that they need to work on but I guess my whole point of this is just because a person is quiet don't automatically assume they need or even want to change. I've seen this quote that says  6+3=9 and under it will have 5+4=9 and it says something about how they both have the same answer but were gotten in different ways. Just because someone gets an answer different than you doesn't make them wrong. It kind of ties in with this you may answer a question and take five minutes to answer it but I may answer it with a simple yes or no but that doesn't mean my answer is wrong or any worse than yours. There are many aspects of what makes a good friend, not just how much they talk and curiosity is almost making me want to go back and find that page to finish reading the paragraph but when it comes right down to it I don't need a book to tell me that friends come in all different packages and they work. It doesn't matter how or why but what matters is you find those friends that even if from the outside person it looks like you all would never get along you do. Sure you got to watch out for those toxic friendships, I mean let's be real everyone that calls you friend is not going to be your friend. In that aspect no matter what else that book says I agree you have to be careful in your friendships in choosing them and making sure you are also being a good one.  I don't think I'm getting what I want to say fully across so I'll end it with the simplest most basic way I know how to say it. I can be labeled as a quiet, shy, introverted, highly sensitive person but in the end I am just me doing the best I can be. If that means that in the end I'm a decent friend, thank God because I want to treat people the way I want to be treated....yeah I totally didn't say what I wanted to say but hopefully it makes some sense to the whole two people that will read this!

For the record totally not writing this fishing for a comment (honest to God...I don't do well with comments, good or bad)