I recently saw a sign on a church that said something along the lines of Is your prayer well done or rare. Now I'm thinking it means when you pray are you really taking the time to pray and talk to God instead of saying okay God I got a minute before I need to check Facebook again here is what I want, umkay bye. However, my mind also went this route. I have a friend who when he orders meat at a restaurant he gets it rare and he tells them that he wants it as pink as they are allowed to serve it. I saw that because when I think rare in this sense I think raw, when I think raw and prayer I think real and honest. To me a rare prayer is going to God and just laying it out there, having a look God you know the truth you know how I really feel about this so let's just be real, I'm having a hard time forgiving this person, I'm having a hard time understanding why I am having to go through this, or I'm just having a rotten day - one of those type of prayers. And if I'm honest when I have one of those prayers one I feel better and I also never can get through one without crying and usually having a well I feel better moments afterwards - like one of those you sigh and are like okay it's not fixed magically now but I can see there is a bigger picture, I may get some peace or joy or comfort. On the other side of me thinking about this when I thought well done, I almost thought of it as well rehearsed. You know we know what to say - those now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep type prayers. Those we spend to much time trying to sound all elegant and dare I say righteous and holy. It can turn into a Pharisee prayer one of those look at me and how well and long I can pray, listen to what words and how many scriptures I can quote in a prayer. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with this type of well done prayer - okay well it shouldn't ever be about look at me - but there's nothing wrong if you want to use elegant words but I think it becomes bad when it's rehearsed and just going through the motions, a prayer that becomes we are afraid to be real and we think we have to say so many of this and so many of that but we never get to the real issue we never take the time to really spend with God or take the time to listen to God. With that being said I never really knew how to pray or what it really was all about - and that is the honest to goodness truth. I still have my moments where I'm just not sure how to pray or I am afraid to be real with God. And some times I think we all have those moments when we pray when we are like that book by Judy Blume, Are You There God, It's Me Margaret. You have prayed and it just doesn't feel like God is there listening no matter what you say or how you say it - but that isn't true. That's just a lie to try to make you feel more isolated and alone. A good tactic to try to fight and destroy a person and to further make them feel hopeless but it's a tactic that you can destroy. Sometimes you got to step back and rework a strategy to combat an attack from the enemy. And that's okay - it's good to mess the enemy up when he thinks you will get destroyed by something but wait when he goes in for the attack you have thrown in your own trick and are there to attack in a way that he didn't see coming. And sometimes you got to go get help and have others to have your back to help you fight, sometimes you get wounded and you need someone to help nurture, encourage, and help you get back to good health and to watch your back while your recuperating. And don't ever feel bad if you can't give a long elegant drawn out prayer because we all pray different. Some days it doesn't take long to say what you need and some days you need to vent!
I was recently reading in the book of Ephesians and I can't recall the chapter or verse off hand (Chapter 2, maybe) but in that verse it started out with....But God...and I read the commentary and it said something along the lines of those are the two most welcoming words written together in the bible. And I agree. It kind of talks about how people was then it goes into but God still showed mercy and grace and love and forgiveness. I was selfish, prideful, unforgiving, full of hate and hurts and so much more but God still loved me through it all and was waiting for me. It reminds me of the song Amazing Grace - I once was lost but now I am found ---you could even say I once was lost but God found me (and was like the father to the prodigal son was running and excited to see me even in the mess I was in). I recently saw a cartoon depicting Jesus and this person pushing Him away (I can't find it to copy it on here but I believe Dong Haeng is the artist). In it it shows a person hiding behind a cover and curtain type thing and Jesus is saying I want to see you better, I want to see you closer. I love you. In another frame the person is throwing stones at Jesus but Jesus stands there with his hands behind is back just taking it and then the person hides behind a wall and Jesus says, I want to hug you warmly. I wish you would look at Me again, I love you...to which the person stays hid behind the wall and says leave me alone!! It then shows Jesus placing something on the other side of the wall without saying anything and going back and sits down. It is then he says, When you feel better, just lift our head up a little. I will be there. I want to see you. I love you. The person is still hiding behind the wall, head down and next frame it shows Jesus still there. When the person looks up they look into the mirror and see Jesus is indeed still there after all of that and the last frame has - When life is hard, just lift your head up a little because that is when the Lord is closest to you (and speaking from experience I know sometimes it doesn't feel like this but what comfort it is to know or be reminded of it). That illustration hit a little to close to home because that is me. I have done that not only with God but with people too. I think that is another perfect example though of but God - through all of that He was still there. I guess the point is that no matter what your situation is please don't ever give up and your but God could be just around the corner.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Up, Up and Away
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. - Proverbs 12:25
Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are getting sent across a bad connection, like trying to talk to someone on the phone with a bad connection so they are cutting in and out and you don't always get to hear the complete sentence....or that I am getting what seems like random frames to what will eventually all be put together and made into a movie. A movie at which one day I will set back and watch and I will realize it is of my life and if you are sitting next to me I'm going to warn you I will hit you and proclaim, "Oh this is a really good part!" (I would daresay I would knock the fire out of you and yes, fire would be pronounced as far but it wouldn't be to purposefully hurt you, I just get excited and I just happen to hit people. Like when you have that good hearty laugh, hit someone and say shut up/get out...what no one else does that?! I am also a fan of the good hearty laugh that doubles you over and you are crying from laughing so much, stomach hurts, can't breath...love that.). That was a long drawn out way of saying I have been having some short random thoughts, images and ideas popping in my head so I thought I would write, I would say write about them but who knows if that will actually happen!
Somehow it is already June which means we're halfway through the year...who finds the skip button for it to already be June but one Monday or the last thirty minutes of work can feel like it is five years long. I've often heard of people finding a word or theme for the new year when it starts, I've never really done that, but I admire that people do that. I have however noticed that quite often throughout the year certain words, phrases or themes seem to pop up a lot. Maybe it's the procrastinator in me and my words just show up at the last minute when I need them! I recently got to take a short trip and see the ocean and I was standing at the edge as the waves and tide would come in and the waves would hit me. Some of the waves would look like they was going to be massive and strong when they was a little further out but by the time they got to me they wasn't bad at all and some took me by surprise and there was some waves that would almost curve and swoop over towards me even though they had started out on the opposite side of where I was standing. At one point I standing and a wave, actually several, took me by surprise and was more stronger than I had planned on, actually I wasn't prepared at all for it and it knocked me back and I was losing my footing. I stumbled around and back as more waves were coming at me but I somehow managed to stay standing and ultimately got my balance back. I say that to say that those waves are kind of like life. As I was standing there watching and listening to the waves sometimes I got caught up and trying to determine how big and strong a wave may be and so focused on a certain wave that I missed another one that almost knocked me down and if I wasn't careful I was so focused on what could go wrong or afraid I would be knocked down I forgot to just be in the moment and enjoy the view and the sounds of the waves. Life is like that sometimes we can get so focused on worrying about what could go wrong or wow that problem looks huge from afar I better run back to shore only to find out it was barely a ripple by the time it got to you. Or we get so focused on how many waves or problems or how far you have to go that you don't enjoy the beautiful surroundings and the people that are in your life. To use a phrase that someone has been telling me a lot don't worry, be happy. Because when I just took the time and looked at all of the waves and just let the sound calm me instead of intimidate or worry me I realized I was actually not only better prepared for the waves, I was enjoying all of it. I was living and that's what I want to do. I want to have fun, be joyful and live. Be happy.
Earlier I mentioned words and themes and sometimes I think I have the same words and themes play and I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing and to be honest sometimes it just takes me awhile to get it. If I was to make a current list of those words or themes I think mine would be: Trust, Do Not Fear, Be Strong and Courageous, Patience, and It's Your Time. And I think this may be my most favorite list so far in my life. This is the part of the movie that if you are sitting next to me I would probably hit you! I'm fairly certain I have wrote several times that trust does not come easy to me, I have and to some degree still struggle with trusting God, others and even myself but I am doing better. I struggle with asking for help too and I am learning to do that but see when I'm going through things I many times try to fight it all by myself. Recently I had a bit of a battle going on in my head with some lies and doubts and fears and I am fortunate to have a few people that I can go to and talk and a couple that I feel comfortable enough to go to and just be honest. Well during this particular little battle I thought I needed to talk but I had this thought that no, you can't tell them that, they'll think you are crazy and they are getting tired of dealing with you if you keep going to them they are going to leave. Some days I believe this and just try to hide away but I'm getting better at thinking one yes this could be true and how it ends up or this is just a lie that is trying to isolate me from others and I will fight it and have my well let's just see which one is right and I will talk to the person/people. Thus far can I just tell you the record is that thought is a lie. Every. Single. Time. Big ol' lie. Do not fear and be strong and courageous kind of go together. I struggle to have any kind of confidence in myself little alone God and others. And I have a lot of fears but I have and am conquering them. I recently got a letter and in it the person mentioned a hot air balloon. Now all of my life I would dream of flying to escape, growing up and even well into my adult life I would hide within myself and I would wish I could just fly away, to soar above it all for that brief moment of peace. So I find it kind of funny because in the last couple of years it started out as someone telling me that God was saying it was time to move forward and though I may be like a train with a heavy load starting out it's slow moving forward but it's moving and I feel like that's me. Then in the past year a butterfly and now a hot air balloon has been mentioned. I think it's time to fly. The person that mentioned the hot air balloon, one knows nothing at all about my story and in part they mentioned that it was time to dump the sand bags that hold the balloon down and it's time to soar above the circumstances that have basically been holding me back. And I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant cause I don't mean it that way at all but I think in many ways I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and I also feel the themes of, well actually all of the phrases ties in to relying on God - always trust God, do not fear cause God is always with me, Be strong and courageous cause God is by my side, Be patient because God is working everything out and it's time to take back what was stolen and live. And I guess that basically covers all of my words because I am not always the most patient person but I am learning and I really feel that it's my time. It's time for this quiet rambling girl to discard the sandbags of lies so I can soar in my hot air balloon and take back what I for so long believed I never ever deserved or would get. And not only that but to stop worrying and be in the moment and love and just have those fun times with the people that God has placed in my life. I again struggle with that...I can't quite grasp or maybe even accept fully that God would care enough to put these people in my life - I tend to always say God is playing a cruel joke on them but am learning and realizing that's not true. I can tell you what is true - that God has placed some amazing people in my life and they not only are great friends but many knowingly or not are like family and some have stepped up in major ways and are more like a parent or some I feel like they are more like a sibling. And I'm grateful for each of them and for the patience they have to deal with me! A couple years or so ago I wrote a poem that I called Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope and so often it seems when one conquers a lie, doubt or fear that there is that moment of celebration but the fear, lie and doubt of you really didn't win this, it's going to come back is right there whispering. I'm finally learning I have the power to fight back and I can win that fight. It might not be an easily won fight or a fight I win in one day or the first round but I'm not going to quit fighting because I'm going to soar. And it's okay and way past time to let others in and not be afraid to love them and let them love me and be there for me and just to have those days where we can laugh and have fun as well as those days where we can just be there for each other. I am still a somewhat work in progress on how to do that but I am getting there, because I've spent enough time worrying about those waves, it's time to be happy.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 5-6
But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40"31
Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are getting sent across a bad connection, like trying to talk to someone on the phone with a bad connection so they are cutting in and out and you don't always get to hear the complete sentence....or that I am getting what seems like random frames to what will eventually all be put together and made into a movie. A movie at which one day I will set back and watch and I will realize it is of my life and if you are sitting next to me I'm going to warn you I will hit you and proclaim, "Oh this is a really good part!" (I would daresay I would knock the fire out of you and yes, fire would be pronounced as far but it wouldn't be to purposefully hurt you, I just get excited and I just happen to hit people. Like when you have that good hearty laugh, hit someone and say shut up/get out...what no one else does that?! I am also a fan of the good hearty laugh that doubles you over and you are crying from laughing so much, stomach hurts, can't breath...love that.). That was a long drawn out way of saying I have been having some short random thoughts, images and ideas popping in my head so I thought I would write, I would say write about them but who knows if that will actually happen!
Somehow it is already June which means we're halfway through the year...who finds the skip button for it to already be June but one Monday or the last thirty minutes of work can feel like it is five years long. I've often heard of people finding a word or theme for the new year when it starts, I've never really done that, but I admire that people do that. I have however noticed that quite often throughout the year certain words, phrases or themes seem to pop up a lot. Maybe it's the procrastinator in me and my words just show up at the last minute when I need them! I recently got to take a short trip and see the ocean and I was standing at the edge as the waves and tide would come in and the waves would hit me. Some of the waves would look like they was going to be massive and strong when they was a little further out but by the time they got to me they wasn't bad at all and some took me by surprise and there was some waves that would almost curve and swoop over towards me even though they had started out on the opposite side of where I was standing. At one point I standing and a wave, actually several, took me by surprise and was more stronger than I had planned on, actually I wasn't prepared at all for it and it knocked me back and I was losing my footing. I stumbled around and back as more waves were coming at me but I somehow managed to stay standing and ultimately got my balance back. I say that to say that those waves are kind of like life. As I was standing there watching and listening to the waves sometimes I got caught up and trying to determine how big and strong a wave may be and so focused on a certain wave that I missed another one that almost knocked me down and if I wasn't careful I was so focused on what could go wrong or afraid I would be knocked down I forgot to just be in the moment and enjoy the view and the sounds of the waves. Life is like that sometimes we can get so focused on worrying about what could go wrong or wow that problem looks huge from afar I better run back to shore only to find out it was barely a ripple by the time it got to you. Or we get so focused on how many waves or problems or how far you have to go that you don't enjoy the beautiful surroundings and the people that are in your life. To use a phrase that someone has been telling me a lot don't worry, be happy. Because when I just took the time and looked at all of the waves and just let the sound calm me instead of intimidate or worry me I realized I was actually not only better prepared for the waves, I was enjoying all of it. I was living and that's what I want to do. I want to have fun, be joyful and live. Be happy.
Earlier I mentioned words and themes and sometimes I think I have the same words and themes play and I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing and to be honest sometimes it just takes me awhile to get it. If I was to make a current list of those words or themes I think mine would be: Trust, Do Not Fear, Be Strong and Courageous, Patience, and It's Your Time. And I think this may be my most favorite list so far in my life. This is the part of the movie that if you are sitting next to me I would probably hit you! I'm fairly certain I have wrote several times that trust does not come easy to me, I have and to some degree still struggle with trusting God, others and even myself but I am doing better. I struggle with asking for help too and I am learning to do that but see when I'm going through things I many times try to fight it all by myself. Recently I had a bit of a battle going on in my head with some lies and doubts and fears and I am fortunate to have a few people that I can go to and talk and a couple that I feel comfortable enough to go to and just be honest. Well during this particular little battle I thought I needed to talk but I had this thought that no, you can't tell them that, they'll think you are crazy and they are getting tired of dealing with you if you keep going to them they are going to leave. Some days I believe this and just try to hide away but I'm getting better at thinking one yes this could be true and how it ends up or this is just a lie that is trying to isolate me from others and I will fight it and have my well let's just see which one is right and I will talk to the person/people. Thus far can I just tell you the record is that thought is a lie. Every. Single. Time. Big ol' lie. Do not fear and be strong and courageous kind of go together. I struggle to have any kind of confidence in myself little alone God and others. And I have a lot of fears but I have and am conquering them. I recently got a letter and in it the person mentioned a hot air balloon. Now all of my life I would dream of flying to escape, growing up and even well into my adult life I would hide within myself and I would wish I could just fly away, to soar above it all for that brief moment of peace. So I find it kind of funny because in the last couple of years it started out as someone telling me that God was saying it was time to move forward and though I may be like a train with a heavy load starting out it's slow moving forward but it's moving and I feel like that's me. Then in the past year a butterfly and now a hot air balloon has been mentioned. I think it's time to fly. The person that mentioned the hot air balloon, one knows nothing at all about my story and in part they mentioned that it was time to dump the sand bags that hold the balloon down and it's time to soar above the circumstances that have basically been holding me back. And I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant cause I don't mean it that way at all but I think in many ways I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and I also feel the themes of, well actually all of the phrases ties in to relying on God - always trust God, do not fear cause God is always with me, Be strong and courageous cause God is by my side, Be patient because God is working everything out and it's time to take back what was stolen and live. And I guess that basically covers all of my words because I am not always the most patient person but I am learning and I really feel that it's my time. It's time for this quiet rambling girl to discard the sandbags of lies so I can soar in my hot air balloon and take back what I for so long believed I never ever deserved or would get. And not only that but to stop worrying and be in the moment and love and just have those fun times with the people that God has placed in my life. I again struggle with that...I can't quite grasp or maybe even accept fully that God would care enough to put these people in my life - I tend to always say God is playing a cruel joke on them but am learning and realizing that's not true. I can tell you what is true - that God has placed some amazing people in my life and they not only are great friends but many knowingly or not are like family and some have stepped up in major ways and are more like a parent or some I feel like they are more like a sibling. And I'm grateful for each of them and for the patience they have to deal with me! A couple years or so ago I wrote a poem that I called Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope and so often it seems when one conquers a lie, doubt or fear that there is that moment of celebration but the fear, lie and doubt of you really didn't win this, it's going to come back is right there whispering. I'm finally learning I have the power to fight back and I can win that fight. It might not be an easily won fight or a fight I win in one day or the first round but I'm not going to quit fighting because I'm going to soar. And it's okay and way past time to let others in and not be afraid to love them and let them love me and be there for me and just to have those days where we can laugh and have fun as well as those days where we can just be there for each other. I am still a somewhat work in progress on how to do that but I am getting there, because I've spent enough time worrying about those waves, it's time to be happy.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 5-6
But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40"31
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