A Piece of Clay

I don't really know where to start so let's just jump and hope I remembered to put my cape on...on second thought let's just sit here awhile, yeah that seems like a better idea. *(read in your best movie narrator voice) - Weeks, days and hours later and we find the wannabe writer still standing and pacing in the same place we last left her. If we listen closely we may be able to understand some of what she is saying.*

I wonder how long I have been up here, I'm going to have to take off and fly one of these days I can't just stand up here forever. The view is getting kind of boring and I'm terrified of heights so my area of pacing gets shrunk dramatically....

I typed that in hopes that if I at least started typing it would break down that wall of fear and pride that has been hindering me from writing this post for honest to goodness weeks. I need 2017 to get its act together though, I mean it didn't have to wait for the last month to throw stuff at me to have me feeling a bit blah and overwhelmed - not cool, my friend, not cool at all. But I was recently told to discard the bad thoughts and focus on the good so I think I should listen. And by discard I am going to share what some of those thoughts have been teaching me and really try to make that epic nail biter shot with one second to spare as I make the winning shot throwing these lies and fears away for good.
I like to think this year found me put-putting right along making some decent progress (more on that at some point) until now that is. Now I feel stuck. I sometimes have these weird pains in my arms and legs and I describe it as it feels like little people are at each end of a limb and they are playing tug-o-war with my muscle now imagine this happening on both arms and both legs at the same time. I have no clue what causes it and I ain't about to Google it! One of these days I'll mention it again to my doctor but I mention that solely because whatever this little trial/test or season I am in now some days it feels like that pain in my limbs and like I am being stretched but I'm not growing it just feels painful and gets old (like how I feel way to often these days). You know I said I feel stuck and even unsure. Have you ever walked aross a swinging bridge or something that is shakey as you are walking across it and when you get across your legs are still shaking (if you are like me it could mostly be from nerves but there is a little bit to from your body is trying to adjust to not have to move to keep balance and such - that's my story anyway.) I recently read a story from Humans of New York and this woman's husband died suddenly and she was left alone and she was struggling so she researched what the best dog to get for grief and depression and poodle kept coming up so she went to adopt a poodle. On the day she went to adopt a dog there wasn't any poodles but there was an old dog in the back that no one was paying attention to. This dog was scared, fragile, skin and bones and the woman saw the dog that was in the back and seemingly forgotten and she adopted the dog and named her Grace. Now Grace has gained her weight back and the woman said she and Grace are getting better together. If you actually know me you know how much I love dogs (almost all animals) and how much I want a dog so I loved this story for many different reasons. You also know I can't read anything without getting some random things from it. Here are those things: In life sometimes when things are thrown at us we may try to do research and figure out what the best route is and think we have the best plan to get us unstuck or to help us fly but sometimes those plans don't work out and sometimes, possibly every time, it is the best thing ever that it doesn't work out. This woman thought a poodle would be best to help her heal but turns the friend she needed was a timid, fragile, forgotten dog hiding in the back. Now the other thing I thought of was how many people were there that day looking to rescue a dog and overlooked Grace thinking she would be to much work, she would never gain weight and would take so much time to get her where she wouldn't be afraid. How many people do we pass are like Grace? We overlook them, forget them, think they'll never change. I can relate to Grace because I was/am timid, backwards, even have often felt forgotten just hiding in the back and no one ever noticing me. Now can I point out what the woman said - she said they are getting better together. She helped nurture, feed and take time to be with Grace and in turn Grace learned she could trust this woman, this woman cared for her and now they are both helping heal wounds and scars they each had.  I spent a lot of time being timid and hidden and forgotten in the back but over the years I've met people that each in their own way has helped me take baby steps out of the corner, not be so timid, etc. In my weird, terrible way of trying to make a point we all have something we need help healing from (spiritual, physical, emotional, etc) and if we don't know anyone currently give it time cause when you think you going to get a poodle you're going to find a Grace and find out you all were meant to meet all along. I believe it is 1 Thessalonians 5:11 that states, therefore encourage one another and build each other up. Some of us just take some extra time and effort and for those that God places in our lives to help us well I for one am quite thankful and grateful for each of you, especially because I know I don't always make it easy. Sometimes I want to run back to the corner cause it feels like it will be safer there, sometimes the fears try to come that people are going to leave or some other scenario but I'll remember something someone said or something they did and it helps me see that the ones that have been there to help get me out of the corner are in my corner if you will. Sometimes I do need that reminder or reassurance or encouragement.  Y'all know I am big on the encouraging and lifting others up and you never meet anyone by accident and for no reason. So don't over look those of us that are or have been in the corner we have important roles to play too and can help make a difference. Sometimes, like we all do from time to time, we just need help finding and seeing that potential.

I'm not good at a lot but let me tell you I am great at panicking and getting overwhelmed! I say that half joking but it's all true. I have very vivid dreams and I recently had one that in part I was having one of those frustrated, overwhelmed moments. I knew I needed and was supposed to get to this particular place and no one seemed to know what I was talking about and things kept getting in my way preventing me from getting anywhere and I got frustrated. So dream me did like I do in real life and I had a moment of pacing and having my hands on my head thinking okay what am I missing, there is a way for me to get to this place, think April, breathe and think. Then in the dream I did figure out that there was a way to get to where I needed except there was two options - now if you know me personally you know my decision skills are like that of a squirrel in the middle of the road with a car coming and it's trying to figure out which way do I go, which way do I go. I don't know about the squirrel but I am always afraid I am going to pick the wrong choice and I remember in this dream it felt like this was a test, a riddle and it was very important I picked the right one (cause I really needed to get to this place). I actually didn't mean to go into all of that, I was just going to write a sentence or two to lead into potters and clay. Because I feel like a piece of clay, like a damaged, marred piece. There's a couple verses in Jeremiah chapter 18 (verses 3-4) that state: Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. The Potter and the Clay is one of my favorite go to parts of the bible. In one commentary I read on those verses it stated that the potter's vessel was marred and unsuitable for its intended purpose but the potter remolded it into an acceptable and unblemished piece of work. I sometimes have this fear that I am to marred and what can I do, I can't be made into a vessel that can be used to even be worth sitting on a mantle somewhere little alone serving a purpose. And sometimes I wonder do I have to many blemishes will the Potter (God) get tired of trying to mold me and just toss me away (He won't, I don't think it has ever even once crossed His mind to do so but fear and lies have had me think that but the truth is God will never leave nor forsake me). So this chapter and particularly those verses I previously wrote give me hope. It might not exactly be fun getting those blemishes taken out and having to get remolded but God sees the vessel I can and am supposed to be and when a blemish comes up He doesn't have a that's it I'm done moment but He remolds me and doesn't give up on me, like I sometimes so easily give up on myself and shall I be honest here, how I sometimes can easily give up on God. I have even had moments of asking God why - not why certain things are happening or have happened - instead why He is willing to take this blemished piece of clay and pick it back up when I have ran and tried to hide or tried to push God away, He is still there and picks me up and takes away those fears and lies that got stuck in this piece of clay and He puts me back on the wheel and starts remolding me. He's willing cause He loves me (and you). I'm still not sure what my intended purpose is and I think I am in a part where God is taking some blemishes out and putting me back on the wheel to remold me. I think if nothing else I am being taught trust - trusting in God and in others. But I do also think I have some kind of intended purpose of being here, what - well that's a fantastic question and one day hopefully I figure that out. I guess that's where I can also use the advice that mom and pop gave me which I have just combined and made it to be just relax, don't worry be happy (also a good example of why I say you always meet people for a reason and sometimes God places people in your life and they become more like family, in this case more like a mom and dad to me). I might be at the crossroad trying to figure out which one of those paths to take is the right one, I'm that piece of clay that got a few blemishes and is being remolded, I may catch myself pacing with my hands on my head trying not to freak out any worse than I currently am but I am not a useless forgotten piece of clay, nope far from it.

As much trouble as I have had writing this I am just going to end this with my usual year in review. I hope and like to think I have learned and grown and moved forward this year. This year I was very fortunate to get to mark off a lot of things off of my bucket list. I got to go to the Grand Canyon and see and ride on part of Route 66! I got to mark off 8 states that I hadn't been to before list and got to go to California and see some of Yosemite Park and so many amazingly awesome places all along that trip that I am forever grateful for the opportunity and will be a trip that I will always remember. I got to see the Blue Angels and go to an air show for the first time and that was awesome and well worth the sun burn I got and extra bonus I got to visit with a cousin that weekend that I hadn't seen in way to many years, that actually was my favorite part of the weekend. I got to hold a tiger cub which was so very cool. I got to meet and talk to Terri Clark and Suzy Bogguss which was really neat. I got to talk to my brother more than I ever have and it has been nice getting to know him - we've never met and the first time I ever talked to him was via email maybe six or seven years ago and that was only a couple of messages and we lost contact again until this year. I got to spend time with people who mean so very much to me. I faced some fears and ran and hid from others. I learned a lot about myself - some not so good stuff but some was good. I'm thankful that I have seen another year, that may I say went by really fast. I'm grateful for the opportunities and dreams that came true this year and I'm so very thankful for the people that was with me on all of the different journey's I had this year and those that stuck with me and encouraged me, helped me, picked me up when I fell or just sit with me on the bad days. Here's to keeping moving forward and flying the rest of the year right on into 2018 and throughout next year.