Hold On Tight

I don't want to write this. I don't want anyone to read this but I have to write this and perhaps someone needs to read it. I'm not even sure exactly how this is going to end up written but I think I am about to be more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. Shall we see far out of my comfort zone I do get with this?

I have always dreamed of being able to get close to a tiger cub, if you don't know tigers are my favorite animal, and I always thought it would be cool to hold a tiger but never thought I would get to. I, however, recently got to mark that off my bucket list and it was everything I dreamed it would be. This post isn't about whether you agree or disagree with facilities like this - you are entitled to however you believe on that (I will say all of the animals were very well taken care of and in a facility that was well maintained,  probably the best I have ever seen.). I will say that I think it is a very educational thing and positive thing to have. That's all of my opinion I will give. Now on to what I really want to say. I am one to get very random thoughts in situations and things I see. This experience was no different. Remember these two things cause I'm going to hit on them throughout this. The first was when the tiger cubs were in the room and someone stood up in the middle of the room they told the person you can stand but you have to stand against the wall. The second is at the end you could get your picture taken with any of the animals you saw. I got a picture taken with a Bengal tiger when she handed the tiger cub to me she said you have to hold him, you have to hold on to him tight. Got those two - standing with your back against the wall and hold on tight. Remember those cause I am about to have a squirrel moment and we're going to another thing.

We all have stories and in those stories we have things and sometimes even people that we can't be around less it triggers fears and doubts and causes us to retreat back behind the walls that we have tried so hard to tear down. Y'all have no idea how much I don't want to write this. I don't like for people to know I am struggling cause I feel like people will think I am trying to get attention or at the very least it seems to draw attention to me and I don't like that. But I have to write this. So this past week has been full blown trigger week. I'm not going into detail on a lot of it but the first one started last week and that one doesn't matter but it started the fears of people leaving or not being there, with this person I have never met them, they are kin to me but we never got the chance to meet or talk until recently and we've kind of gotten the chance to text back and forth. So that was trigger one of the week and starts the fears. Now I'm not anti social networks by no means that is the only way I have to contact several people. Trigger number two was seeing some things on Facebook - from pages that I follow just so no one thinks it was a friend. Those memes and articles that triggered the lies and fears of I am unworthy, I bother people, no one loves me they just tolerate me, etc. I'm about to have another trigger just writing this! Then there was some old lies and fears that was climbing out and showing their faces. Now this next one isn't against anyone and I know what was said wasn't even thought or meant to be a trigger to those fears and lies. Which also has got me thinking and wondering how many times I have said or done something and unintentionally and potentially never realizing that I caused  a trigger to someone and hurt them. Can I say right now I am most sincerely sorry if I ever have, I would never ever intentionally cause any kind of hurt or harm to anyone. You know sometimes we say stuff and sometimes we say stuff to try to help and it has the opposite effect. But someone said something and again they didn't mean anything by it was never their intention for it to cause the trigger that it did and I hope they never find out or know cause it doesn't need to be known. But that triggered the fears and lies and added to what was already building of people leaving, things changing (which is life and I know change isn't always bad, if/when it does happen) and I caught myself building the wall back up. See I know I keep people at a distance and have hopefully gotten better at that but when the fears and lies attack like they have been I don't know how to handle it and the only thing that has ever made sense and 'helped' (cause it really doesn't help and I know it doesn't) is to build the wall up. You know you think walls protect you from the elements, shield you from the rain and wind and heat of the day but the walls I build up to keep people out they don't protect me, they actually in turn cause more damage. I am a quiet person in that when I talk the volume of my voice isn't very loud but I also am a very private person and am probably really difficult to get to know. I prefer listening and learning about others, I feel I am not that important or have much to offer. I also just don't talk that much - except for a couple or so people that I seem to talk to a lot even though one said that they have to work and pull things out of me (it's true, if I am in the moments like I am now, you have to have serious patience for me to be able to talk and I will ultimately just say it's nothing I'm good) and to those two people I promise I am trying not to talk to you all as much and tell you so much....but can I also say that as I write that I am reminded of a couple of things. You know a predator will isolate it's prey (generally in the animal kingdom it goes for the weakest most vulnerable too but I want to say if you are being attacked or going through something I think it's the opposite it's because you very much matter and you have so much to offer that these attacks try to isolate you to keep you from seeing that you are a warrior and a game changer). And I think that is one of the most powerful ways for a person to be attacked - to isolate them and to make them feel alone - which you can feel even when you are in a room full of people. If we feel alone and isolated it's like it causes an avalanche, suddenly we feel vulnerable we feel unworthy, unloved, that we don't matter, etc. One of my favorite stories and people from the bible is Joseph and in the past couple of years his story has and continues to encourage and help me. And I was thinking today how he went from the pit to the palace to prison and probably spent several of those years wondering if he would be remembered and brought out of the prison but he was and he was brought back to the palace and was someone of great importance and helped many. In the times he was in prison for something he didn't even do it became a time that he was actually planted and grew and it even prepared him for when he got back to the palace. But as I was writing that about not talking so much I was also reminded of how people are placed in our lives to steal the phrase I have wrote on here before and was told to me God knits people into our lives and those are our home team, that is there to help us any time of day or night, to encourage us, to laugh with us and to help us out of the pit back into the palace, to help us and to just make this ride a little bit more fun and tolerable. Those people that can help keep the predator away and keep you from feeling or being isolated and alone. And if I'm honest one of my biggest struggles is feeling alone and in turn I start to isolate myself - no for the record my personality and just who I am is one that I could disappear for a long time and just not really talk or whatever, that's just who I am, it's not that no one has done anything I don't even think I realize I am doing it. But back to those people - the ones that whatever chapter they show up in they are meant to be there for the remaining chapters. So I guess I'm saying I know I'm weird and difficult to probably put up with to even get to know  - it's not done on purpose to test or anything I probably don't even realize I am doing it, I am very bad about living in my own little world and I quite often get lost in there.

Now to get back to those two random thoughts I had while visiting with the tiger cubs. When we was in the room telling the person to stand against the wall was a safety measure but in life sometimes things comes against us and pushes us against the wall. All those things that have piled up and dug up some fears and lies and added some new ones have me against the wall and it makes you feel trapped and hopeless. I have this shirt, I call it my preaching shirt because I have got comments on it in Indiana, Arizona and Kentucky all of them saying they love the message on the shirt. What does the shirt say? Glad you asked. It says Hope is the Message We are the Messengers. That shirt reminds me that we all have days that we lose hope, we misplace it and thank God for those people that whether they know it or not are messengers to help us find that hope again, maybe to find the faith we lost or find it for the first time. Things are going to happen and sometimes those things will push you up against the wall - or in my case sitting in a fetal position with the walls starting to build back up. Now I know I will get through this and those walls aren't staying up, I've worked to hard and went through to much to build them back up. The second thing, when the woman handed me the tiger to hold while the other woman (who made the comment on my shirt) took my picture she said you've got to hold him, you've got to hold on to him tight. Okay, no problem, I'm holding a tiger cub - I want to hug him and name him George lol (I hate having my picture taken but that day I didn't care and I had the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. I was so stinking happy). At one point when I was holding him the tiger roared, which was cute, scary and intimidating all at once. When she said you got to hold him tight it reminded of how sometimes when we're having a bad day we have to hold on tight to those truths and even hold on to those people that are there for us - and I do hope anyone that reads this you have at least one person like that (it ain't about having a lot of people like that just having the true sincere people that got your back). I had to hold tight to the tiger so he didn't get down and start exploring and when I'm against the wall, in a storm, just having a rough day I have to hold on to the truth that this will pass, I will make it, I am an overcomer. I will grow from this, it might hurt and it might not be fun, might last longer than I want it to but I will grow and I will make it. The other thing that kind of just came to mind was when the tiger roared. Sometimes when we're in a battle our battle cry might sound like that little tiger and you think aww and it doesn't really intimidate or scare your enemy but don't let you that make you stop you roar because what the enemy doesn't want you to know is that the first roar did scare him but he's trying to make you think you ain't going to win that your roar isn't causing any damage trying to make you stop to get you hide behind the walls. Roar, I don't care how quiet you are or how loud you are, roar and you keep roaring. You keep taking those steps, you keep telling yourself those truths that you matter that you will make this that you are unfinished but you are still here and you are gonna fly cause you have something to offer this world. It doesn't matter how shaky your voice is, doesn't matter how bad your knees are knocking you got this and I so very much believe in you. Don't kick yourself while your down cause you are struggling or are having a bad day, that's okay, we all do, just don't unpack there and stay cause you don't deserve that.

I think I will end this with a couple of lines from a song I heard today called I'll Find You by Lecrae and in it it states: But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together. I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room...No don't let the fear make you feel like you can't fight this on your own
You know I, I'll be there for you no matter where you go. You'll never be alone, no. Just fight a little longer my friend it's all worth it in the end

So as I am in this prison or pit I will keep fighting and appreciate those that stick around and are there for me during these times because I'm not staying in this prison I'm going to the palace. And I will grow and I will fly. A bad day might knock me down and keep me out for longer than I want it to but it ain't knocking me out, I will get back. I might have a scar or two but those just prove that I am a survivor. So I will hold on tight and know that I am going to make it.

I'm Not Who I Was

This post is brought to you by the song I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath (probably some more songs before I finish writing but mainly this one). I know and apologize to those that personally know me because I don't make it easy to know me or to know things about me. Music is a way for me to use to help people know a little more about me in an odd way. The song I'm Not Who I Was has meant a lot to me from the very first time I heard it and can I just tell you I have come a long way from that moment so now it means even more to me. I believe it was early last year I got to go to a concert and see Third Day with Brandon Heath. Brandon sang this song and he gave the story behind it (I may have written about this before but in case I haven't or just as a refresher I'll tell it - possibly telling it again). So the story was that his parents divorced and his dad remarried and later on his stepmom left too and at some point in his life he wrote this song about that moment in his life. So this song holds a lot of meaning to me, I can listen to it and think of how I can relate in feeling that way towards someone and I'm not who I was in that situation anymore - thank God. I'm also just not who I was in general and again thank God. Do you ever feel like you are playing a game of dodge ball with life and sometimes life hits you good with a scenario that knocks you. Life's rules of dodge ball are a bit different in that you are still in the game when you get hit but life doesn't always play fair and keeps throwing the balls if you will to try to persuade you to not try to get back up. I'm not who I was in that I have also figured out that I can fight back and though I may be pretty much mostly known as that quiet girl I have more to contribute to my little bitty part in my little bitty section of this world and the stories I am in and my own narrative.

There is a line from that song that states: 'When the pain came back again like a bitter friend it was all that I could do to keep myself from blaming you...Now I'm not who I was I write about love and such. Maybe 'cause I want it so much. I'm not who I was. I was thinking maybe I -I should let you know that I am not the same.' Forgive me cause I'm going to be jumping all over the place and probably not making much sense. But can I tell you something that I seem to really be understanding and getting and I don't know why it's suddenly happening but I have spent most of my life (from the time I was six until now at the good ol' age of 33) thinking I was damaged and that these scars well I've been trying to hide my scars - these scars have made me who I am these scars don't make me damaged they just add a bit more to my story. There is a song by Casting Crowns called Loving My Jesus and there is lines from that song that states: Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy can reach you where you are. And I pray the whole world hears the cry of my heart is to see all the ones I love loving my Jesus. Sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside 'cause no one will understand...' See I think we often all at some point for some amount of time put on a mask - and that falls for people of all races, gender, age, religion, etc. I recently had a conversation with someone and knowingly or not they hit the bulls eye on some of the things I have been struggling with again and they helped me be able to take the mask off and to help remind me of the truth because the fears and lies were sneaking back in. Sometimes it's not always the bitterness that tries to sneak back in - maybe your situation doesn't even really involve a bitterness of any kind but sometimes those fears and lies come back. And I can honestly say there is no bitterness on my part for anything but I will also honestly say that some of the fears and lies that have plagued me try to weasel their way back in sometimes. Well I'll just tell you how it has been here lately and first I will say I have no idea what has happened but I have made huge steps and the past three or so weeks it's as if some blinders have been taken off and I am seeing for the first time. You know what it is kind of like before I started sixth grade I had to get glasses and I knew that things were blurry and I wasn't seeing things like they were meant to be seen but I didn't realize how much I was missing until I put those glasses on and suddenly so much was so very clear. I was going around reading signs from a distance I probably wouldn't have even seen there was something written on it before. I kind of feel like that now, that I am seeing stuff that I was meant to see and understand for so long and I am just now finally getting it and able to read it.... to accept it. In part of the conversation I brought up a couple of people and what they mean to me and in particular I had stated how I call one of them mom and though I didn't say this part I often struggle with if that was/is okay and some other stuff I'll get to in a moment but when I said that I called them mom the person said something that really helped and that was that it was okay because God knows the people that we need in our lives and they shared some of their story. But it helped so much to be reminded how no matter how old we may be or the situation that it is okay and that we will have those people that are like a parent or a sibling or whatever that we need. In part of the conversation I had said how I struggled with accepting that this person could and would see me as their daughter and actually I struggle with even accepting love and that I deserve to have those kinds of people in my life and the person said yeah because you feel damaged and that is true. I've been going about seeing my scars in the wrong way. See I thought, still sometimes struggle with, thinking that those scars make me damaged goods. Have you ever been to the store and saw something be it food or recently I bought a USB cord for I think $5 cheaper because the box was damaged but there was nothing wrong with the USB cord. Or maybe if you buy that box of food for a little cheaper there was nothing wrong with the food just the box was a little damaged but it still served its purpose. Sometimes people are like those boxes. See what we see on the outside may look damaged and more often than not what is damaged is on the inside but we hide it with masks and if you are like me keeping people at a distance and such. That damage, those scars that for whatever reason we can fall in the trap of thinking that it makes us unworthy or undeserving or unable well that is all lies. Those scars are just part of your story. They don't define who you are, they just add to it, you know many of our scars we think ruin our story, they make us less than but that is so wrong. I still am not the best at letting people see my scars  - telling what I have told in the past few posts on here is huge for me - but I am trying to look at it like this and that my scars are proof that I am way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and it proves to me that God has my back and all this time has watched out for me. Though I may be or have been damaged I am still worthy and so are you. I don't know if anyone will read this and if you are I may have talked to you and know your story or maybe we have never met but I can say this no matter what your scars may be from and how damaged you may think you are and you'll never be perfect - well we won't be perfect so I don't know about you but big sigh of relief I can quit trying to live up to that standard but your scars make you beautiful and remind you and can help others know they can make it through their own storms that have caused scars perhaps similar to yours. You know when that person was talking to me yesterday I am not sure I knew one part of her story that she shared with me and it helped to hear someone say they struggled with feeling a certain way because of this situation. Never belittle yourself, period but never think your story doesn't matter or is to damaged or whatever to make a difference. Even if you have went through something I have never had to deal with just hearing your story will still make an impact and help. Because who knows maybe even on down the road I will go through something similar and I will think oh wait so and so went through something like this hey maybe I need to go talk to them or maybe I will remember something you said while telling me your story of what you did to help get through the storm. Wounds don't always heal over night and that's okay sometimes it can take years for wounds of things we have went through to even start to heal. Don't fall in the trap that you have to put on the mask and act like you are okay or healed from a wound because it has been x amount of time and you should be over that by now. We all heal at a different pace. You know I could get a cut on my arm and you could get the same length and depth of cut on your arm and your wound may heal over in a day with no scar or anything whereas mine may take a few days and leave a scar. But we're both healed now it just that it took my wound a little longer to heal. Are all of my wounds healed perfectly - no I mean I do still have scars but again those scars are just a reminder that I made it through, didn't make it through unscathed but I made it through. You know I think I need to point this out because I don't want it to seem like I don't have bad days or that I don't have struggles - I have just made huge steps forward. See I do still very much struggle with letting people in and not keeping them at a distance. In fact, I will tell on myself I have made huge steps in letting people in and accepting that yup God did send these people to fill in and be like such and such in my life. But you know what, just today even I had a major fear that those people would leave and that I needed to not get any closer and not let them any closer because something is going to happen and their not going to be in my life that much I won't get to see them or spend time with them and just don't get any closer. I had to remind myself of a couple of things one something they told me and then I tried to remind myself that all of that very well may be true but I need to focus on the now and I don't want to miss out on any opportunity I have now to be with them to spend time or talk with them in any capacity. Because keeping people at a distance just leaves me alone and I want to be with those that God knows I need to spend time with and that will be there for me. And you know what I think it's time for this quiet girl to fly, it's time for me to sing my song and to accept what I am deserving of.  How about you? Maybe we have to help each other remember that though we have scars it doesn't disqualify us, I'll be honest with you I think it makes us that much more qualified. You know some days it's easy to fly and some days it's not so easy to fly - I watched a bird flying the other day and the wind was catching under its wings and trying to knock it off course but the bird kept maneuvering and it kept flight and was able to get where it wanted to. It may not always be an easy flight and some days we have to find a tree branch to sit on and rest and some days we can keep flight it just takes a little longer to get to our destination. Some days or just bad days and you need that friend, that person that you can go to and talk to and they can remind you to focus on the good and don't worry be happy or just to be there. Am I where I want to be - no but thank God I'm not who I was. I daresay I think I am becoming who I am meant to be.