I can see clearly now (that I'm terrible with titles!)

 Insert the most perfectly imperfect opening sentence here to grab your attention and make you want to continue reading...oh my friend have I got some ramblings to write about today if you got the patience and time to read this (if not skip to where you see me talking about glasses and sight just look for this *). I watched that cursor blink for quite some time then I wrote a paragraph and then I deleted it. It was then I heard something someone said to me just yesterday in fact. I always say I can't talk where people can hear me and to a degree that may always be true but when I said that I can't talk where I can be heard I was thankfully called out. I was told something along the lines of yes you can when you don't think about it. I automatically think anything and everything I say won't be heard, or I'll get excited and talk 'loud' and ramble on and be a bother, etc (and trust me this list goes on and on) and as I was staring at that cursor I realized I was doing the same thing. I can't write...yes you can when you don't think about it. Don't worry about the perfect opening sentence or paragraph. Just write it. So if you're still reading I'm going to just write my perfectly imperfect just maybe loud enough for you to hear it rambling thought.

In part of a conversation I heard that I'm still not sure if I wasn't supposed to say part of what I'm about to write or not but I'm going to write some thoughts that just won't leave me alone and perhaps I just need the reminder or maybe someone that reads this needs it. Two parts that keep coming to mind that was asked/said during this conversation was I just don't understand and Do you have any....

The first one I have absolutely no problem with I say I don't understand a lot and there are somethings that I just don't think it's time for me to understand, some I'm just not ever going to be smart enough to understand and somethings I'll just never understand. All of those are okay and in my own opinion I don't think God gets mad at me for going to Him and saying God I don't understand but I'm not going to end with that because though I don't understand and may never I want to ask and know what can I learn from this, how can I grow, how can I help others, how can I just rest in the unknown and not understanding.

The second one I have a smidgen problem with because if you aren't careful you become like Job's friends. His friends started off well they came and set with and was there with their friend. Then the started talking. Not a problem there at all. The problem was with what they said. They did the do you have any question...what did you do Job, what sin have you committed, what have you not repented of, etc. They intentionally or not added to Job's burden and trials. Not one time did they say Job can I pray for you...can I got to the market and get you something for these health ailments you got going on....can I take you somewhere to run an errand....can clean up your campsite...can I take you to my house to rest for a bit. No they just said do you have any....what did you do. Now there may be times you should ask someone this but don't let that be the only thing you say...here's my thinking and I may be wrong but don't say do you have any if you ain't going to say can I pray for you or can I sit with you during this.

*So even though I don't understand I believe I had a random thought that I think God used to show me something and maybe it was just for me or maybe I need to share it or at least write it on here to remind myself one more time. If you don't know me I have to wear glasses - I have terrible eyesight. If you saw me with my glasses you'd know that and you would think oh well she can see just fine now - not always the case though is it. Sometimes even with my glasses I have trouble reading a sign or something. Now if you know me and see me without my glasses you know I can't see but you don't know how little that I can't see. Sometimes that's the way it is in our trials and storms I can sometimes see and know you're in a trial but not how bad and sometimes I can't see at all that you're in a storm and not able to see....God upped this little thought because I then had this moment of just seeing if you will myself in a moment of where I desperately needed my glasses to see to do what I thought God wanted me to do but I had a moment of take your glasses off and sit them down....no I can't do that God I need them to see, how will I find my way....take the glasses off and look. So in this little thought I did, I take my glasses off and it's so blurry and I think okay now what I can't see God. Yes you can just look. I am God...no you're not. You think you need those glasses to get the answer to see the answer clearly but you're looking with the wrong set of eyes. See my glasses are my eyes or so I thought but in this moment of blurriness I did see I actually saw some stuff more clear than I have in a long time. Because in a particular situation specifically I've never given up that God is going to heal this person and I know that God sent them in my life to be my family (and I waited 24 years for God to decide it was time for them to be in my life and now that they've been in my life for four years well over half of that has been me seeing them have health problems and deal with pain and frustrations that I can't even begin to imagine but also faith that has helped me in my own walk). So if it was about this particular situation or lots of something elses or nothing at all. I do know one thing in that moment I realized that in my I don't understand moments of life I can't look with my glasses on but instead take them off and just look....remember what God has told me, what He has shown me time and time again, what He has promised (in His Word and what I believe He sometimes personally gives us) and in that moment do you see it now.....yeah I can see it now

 Sometimes we have to do a something that doesn't make very much sense and often times is just down right nerve wrecking. Sometimes we have to spend a longer time in the I don't understand season then we want to. More times than not we just need to speak even if they may not hear us and take our glasses off so we can truly see what's going on (no you won't see me taking my glasses off trying to drive or anything!) but to really see what's going on and how far we have made it in a certain situation or that the person we're praying for is going to be okay may not know when their season will be over of the trial/storm they're in but they're going to win and be okay.

So please never be afraid to say something even if it may be to loud cause you got excited or you had to repeat it cause it wasn't heard and don't always think you are seeing an outcome clearly because you have your 'glasses' on sometimes we need to take them off and not go by feelings, or what things look like, or an outcome others have had (especially if it was bad cause that can and will be used against you). And never, ever be afraid to say can I sit with you while you're going through this, are you okay, can I pray for you and/or can I do anything to help to lighten the load (and give some examples if something is on your heart especially even if the person is stubborn and you think there's no way they will let me help them - ask anyway and if it's praying well pray for them all the time they don't have to know but sometimes I think it gets put on our hearts to go and actually pray with the person too)


I guess that's all I got to say about that.



To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

                                                                                    Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

Girl Going Nowhere

Hello old friend, how have you been? It's been way to long. I have so many things to say yet nothing at all and I have no idea where to start at. It's funny cause I've written this and more posts in my head countless times since the last time we got to visit but I guess fear and doubt and over thinking has stopped me from writing these words. The lovely statement I'll write it tomorrow turned into so many months of not saying anything.

Can I tell you a secret? I'm getting my song back. I suppose that's part of life isn't it - some days you sing, some days you listen and some days you just keep searching for that song unsure if you're going to find it again. Courage, dear heart - you will find the song.

This past week - on August 12th to be exact - I was looking at my memories on Facebook and on that day I was stranded in Glendive Montana all by myself well over one thousand miles away from the people I care about and especially the ones that have a way to calm me down when I have my freak out moments and I will believe when they say it's going to be okay. Y'all have those people that if so and so says it's going to be okay it must going to be even if I still don't see how. Well on that day last year I went walking in well over 100 degree weather and I happened to find a feather. Fast forward to the same day this year and I went walking. Where? I'm so glad you asked. I was in one of the places I was trying to get to on that fateful trip last year and to a place I had about given up on ever making it to. On this day I was walking a trail and probably about halfway of the whole way I walked on this trail I looked down and I found a feather. A few days later I was on another trail and I found another feather. Is there anything to finding the feathers on any of the times I have ever found - I don't know but it's always felt like a little hug from God when I find them, an it's okay my child I'm here and will always be. Silly? Probably but just maybe not.

I was recently having a conversation with Mama J (y'all know I don't write names) and first do you all just have those people in your life that you just know God placed them in there (here would be a good place to just let me say thank you God for Mama J, Mom and Pop - and if you all happen to read this thank you all so very much for putting up with me you all have no idea how grateful I am to have you all in my life)....but in this conversation we got talking about life and such and I made the statement of how I finally feel like I'm actually living and becoming who I was meant to be. In case you didn't know I turned 35 since we last visited and to be honest with you I never thought I'd make it to say that. Growing up I lived in my head a lot because I had a bit of control of how things were in there and I could be myself and just have the people in my life I always hoped to have but never really thought I would. Thank God for healing and working on me and for sending people in my life that are my family - not like family but honest to goodness I will forever call them and see them as my family. Our stories are never written in the sequence or way we hope or have it figured in our head (if yours was God bless you that's awesome and I'm truly happy for you). But what I've discovered is that how my story has went so far isn't all bad because things that I went through I'll get to use and help someone else and it all led me to people like the ones I've mentioned and for that it was all worth it. My story obviously started when I was born and have I had some chapters in between there - some I'd rather not remember and some I probably never will remember because I've got it blocked so much some I still have trouble sharing and then there's the last week of my 30th chapter to now that have for sure still had it's ups and downs but it has led me to healing, going places I never thought possible, laughing and learning to open up and be myself with people and so much more. You know what I'm learning - the chapters may be in different sequence some names and situations may be different but at the core of our stories we have so very much in common we just got to find our tribe to share the story with. And never, ever think you're story doesn't matter or need to be shared I promise there is someone (or more) waiting to hear your story.

I don't know about you but I'm ready to write some more in my story and find a song or two to sing. It has been lovely catching up we must do this again real soon I feel like I left a whole lot out that I meant to write.

It's nice to be in a place in my story to be able to say not bad for a girl going nowhere*


*based on the song Girl Going Nowhere by Ashley McBryde