(Almost) Goodbye 2016, (Almost) Hello 2017

I know I said I wasn't going to do a year in review type post but it's been a pretty interesting year and those don't happen to often for me so I guess why not go ahead and write a little. Plus I just want to write. As usual part of this post is I guess inspired by a status I recently wrote on Facebook. To recap that, I recently had a memory pop up quite randomly of a teacher back in sixth grade who when practicing for an awards ceremony she came up to me and asked if I would do something for her at the ceremony and of course I panicked thinking I was in trouble but she said when you go to get your award will you walk with your head held up. I honestly couldn't tell if you if I really did walk with my head held up that day or not, I think it would be safe to say I at least tried my best to. Some twenty or so years later and I have had many times where I have literally and figuratively walked with my head down and I was also reminded to walk in a room with my head held up - that is quite difficult to do, just saying. And that all actually does have something to do with my year in review. The beginning of the year, well to be honest it was the same ol' same as far as my personal walk. I however early on had deemed 2016 the year of concerts because I was very fortunate to get to go to some of the best concerts ever this year and some dream concerts that I never, ever thought would happen. Kind of silly to have dream and never, ever thought would happen in the same sentence isn't it? I guess that's kind of how 2016 and so many other years honestly had started and usually ended for me. I'd start the year so hopeful and thinking this will be the year I move forward and I find out who I am and such but somewhere along the road I would get lost in that never, ever section. I am not one to make resolutions because I never complete them, kudos to those of you that do, but had a resolution at the beginning of this year one of them would be just to survive the year (!) but it would have been wanting to move forward. As I said the first half of the year, nothing to brag about personally, I actually found myself lost in my head and stuck in that never, ever section. But I remember several times praying and more honestly and sincerely than possibly ever just asking for help. And again as I say you don't meet anyone by accident and I think oftentimes God uses people and He places people in your life to help you and helps show you and remind you of just who God is. See I'm the worst at asking for help from God and people, I am great at listening to others and hopefully good at being there for them but reverse that and it's a big fail on my part. So the first half of 2016, awesome concerts (that continued throughout the whole year), some random road trips, just trudging along. Then comes the second half of the year. Have you ever prayed for something or just wanted something (if you ain't the praying type) so long and so much but you honestly begin to wonder if it will ever happen and dare I say you even wonder if God heard any of the prayers you said? I had one of those moments, well truthfully it is one of those things that has been carried over year after year. Now this may be one of those times people would be like see that's why I don't believe in God or whatever but even in that I have learned something because I think over the years I know God heard me and I think He was maturing me and getting me to the place I needed to be spiritually, emotionally and stuff and to ultimately meet the people I needed to. And I don't really know how or why it came about or why I sent whatever I wrote in a particular message the day I sent it. But I remember getting a reply not at all what I was expecting but they said they would meet with me and talk and try to help work through these things. Not gonna lie I had a major wait, what moment again and thought God are you really answering a prayer, you were really listening (of course He was, He always does). So I finally came to the right time for me to really truly have the opportunity to figure out how to take the time and work on me because I have neglected taking care of me and I've spent most of my life wearing masks and just going through the motions. But thank God that this last half of 2016 has found me tearing walls down, figuring out and accepting who I am (in God and because of God which has helped me figure out who I am in general), and I have just grown all the way around. Funny to say that I'm thirty two and saying I have grown but I hope to never stop growing and improving and always striving to be who I am. Because ultimately I think my story has helped prepare me for such a time as this and I'm not saying the last half of 2016 has been completely perfect. In fact, if I'm honest I just found myself lost in that never, ever section of my head but again thank God that He is always there and I can go to Him anytime and I have to thank Him for some people that He placed in my life that have been there to help remind me when I get to far in that forest of lies and God uses them to help me. So here's to all the walls that have been torn down, the lessons learned, the tears and laughter, to all the friends and people that have walked the journey through the year with me ( a most sincere thank you to each of you), and here's a big thank you to God for all you have done and continue to do. May yours and mine last couple of weeks of 2016 be good and I pray each of you all that read this have an amazing 2017. Can't wait to see what ramblings I get to write about next year.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
-Genesis 50: 19-20 (NLT)

(I read this in a devotional earlier today and it just hit home a bit. When I get to heaven I want to meet Joseph, his story has helped me a great deal, more than I ever imagined how it could truthfully.)

From Rejected to Accepted

So it's officially December which means it really finally is okay to get by with listening to Christmas music, watch the movies and cartoons and the like without getting to many looks that if possible would cause serious harm Hopefully this time of year is filled more with fun times and making traditions but it is also a difficult time that I think amplifies some feelings and things people deal with including loneliness, abandonment and rejection.I can't remember if I wrote about the book or not but earlier this year I found and read a book titled,Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst and I highly recommend it. That and several other things that has occurred this year has really helped me. Now I'm just typing cause I don't want to tell you what I'm still not sure I am supposed to write in these next few sentences. Like I'm feeling a bit nauseous, biting my fingernails (have had a bit of a slip up with that nervous habit), leg shaking kind of not wanting to type this. Deep breath and let's go....In the book Lysa Terkeurst in part writes about her dad leaving and not having a relationship with him and feeling rejected. And maybe it's just me but it seems quite difficult to find Christian based books that talk about a parent leaving, not even sure it's really talked about so this reading about this really helped. For my story it wasn't my dad that wasn't around it was my mom. I'll leave it at I did hear from her from time to time and I'm not playing the blame game, no hard feelings toward her and ultimately it happened for a reason it's all good. But with that I don't really know what it is to have a mom or those things that is done with mom's but thankfully I had my grandma and I always looked at her as my mom, always will really. That's not to take anything from my mom or meaning to be rude or disrespectful towards her. So I've dealt with the lies of feeling abandoned and rejected, again I am not laying blame on anyone because it's just lies. But if I continue to be honest I have also dealt with believing the lie that God hated me and I must have been a terrible person because of things that happened. Now that I have shared way more than I am comfortable sharing I told that little bit to get from there to the truth. As I always say everything happens for a reason and you meet everyone for a reason. I believe what I went through 1) was no fault of my own and ultimately it was the best thing that could have happened and 2) because of it I believe I will be able to help and/or encourage others that have went through similar situations. To be honest as recent as last year I still struggled with the abandonment and rejection and trying to keep people at a distance and the walls up. Here's why I think everything happens for a reason and you meet people for a reason (and if you read to the end there's a few more of those moments that have recently happened to me that I'll share). But last year at the church I go to there was a retreat thing and as I was sitting there listening  I was also thinking I just needed to leave, I had the it's going to be late when you get home, you don't need to be here, you're not going to hear anything to help, etc. In the midst of just about to go ahead and leave I hear something along the lines of (they were talking about Joseph, coat of many colors Joseph), 'He grew up without a mom, didn't have a mom influence.' and I had a major boy I wish it was possible to ask if she said what I think she just said and then I thought well now I have to stay cause maybe they'll repeat that and I had a did he really, well I guess so I never thought of that, that's odd one never really thinks of that. Well God loved Joseph and he grew up without a mom so maybe, just maybe all this time I've believed a lie that God hated me. I'm doing a really bad job at making my point but my point is we all have felt rejected and maybe even abandoned by someone be it a parent, friend, loved one, significant other we've unfortunately at some point been there. And for me when I felt that sometimes it felt strongest during the holidays and there would be the lies that it was my fault, I'm a terrible person, I'm not worthy, etc. So if you are struggling with that as sound and true as what is going through your mind please know you did nothing wrong it's not your fault or even if you did it's okay because sometimes what we may think looks like rejection is actually the path to being accepted. Accepted for all and who we are, flaws and all. Accepted to a greater calling. In the book Uninvited Lysa TerKeurst writes this:  To be set aside is to be rejected.To be set apart is to be given an assignment that requires preparation...For me that fateful April evening I think I got reminded of something and that is I am so much more of what happened to me. See sometimes if people find out certain things happen to you they label you, which I hate labels, but if we get that label we get stuck and thinking that's all we are all we'll ever be. And I think I did that with the labels of abandoned and rejected I thought that's who I was and all I would ever be. But that was just a chapter, part of my story. Because God didn't let anything happen, it wasn't cause He wasn't there ( because He was there or trust me I wouldn't be here) or because He didn't care or because He hated me. That was a lie that kept me stuck for so long on a chapter that wasn't even really mine to be in to begin with. No longer rejected I am now accepted. Accepted by everyone probably not, will I still face a time I am rejected by someone, possibly but I'll face that when and if it happens because right now I have walls that have been torn down and I know that I went from feeling rejected to without a doubt accepted (and forgiven) by God and He has placed people in my life that have helped me not saying I'm putting them on a pedestal or trying to have them take place of other people not at all. One they're human too and have their own things going on and such and I have no idea how long anyone in my life will be there but however long it is I'll forever be appreciative of what they have shown me and how they have helped me. So to end this part of what I'm writing I'll end with this part from the book Uninvited: "I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

Now normally I write a post of my year in review but I think I'm going to combine it with this. Earlier I wrote how we meet everyone for a reason. This year strangers and oddly enough two Christian singers inadvertently have shown me so much. I've written about the two strangers I met while on vacation one being a little boy that very much made an impact when he told me that I shouldn't be walking alone and another being an elderly lady that is/was battling breast cancer and she still found the strength and courage to climb a lot of steps to the top of a lighthouse and even when she had to stop and rest she found something to laugh about and just be thankful for. Recently I was at a Logan's restaurant and was waiting on the bill when the server told me that the lady that was sitting in the booth in front of me actually paid for my bill. Dork that I am said, 'Get out!' and I got a bit teary eyed because that has never happened, definitely not a stranger paying for a meal and somewhere like Logan's. I felt bad cause I was like why would she spend that much money on a stranger and wished I could pay her back but if it was even possible I suppose that would be taking away from her blessing so I will try to pay it forward the best ways I know how. And speaking of paying it forward I think we sometimes think we have to pay it forward monetarily but I don't think we always do, sometimes just being there for someone, helping them in some way listening maybe, I think that can be paying it forward. Then in my many fortunate times of getting to go to concerts I was able to be reminded or hear actually on three occasions very encouraging things and twice specifically I heard talk of tearing walls down. So even though there are a few weeks left I am quite thankful for what all has happened this year, how I've gotten to be closer to some people, things I've let go of and things I've picked up that have long needed picked up and accepted. I'm thankful for the good and the bad and though I have no idea what the rest of 2016 or any of 2017 has in store I'm hoping for the best and will do my utmost to keep moving forward.

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

― C.S. Lewis

Courage, dear heart

It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them...But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, “Courage, dear heart,” and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan’s, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis

Isn't it amazing how one simple word can just give you that simple push to keep going, literally it can just be one word or sometimes like in the above quote it can be part of a bunch of words and all of it together also can give you that push to keep going or to get up after a sit down or a trip or a fall even a fail. If you read my previous post you know I had a sit down as I like to call it, or set back but during those times I kept seeing some words and such that encouraged me. One of those words was courage. Cause as I stated somewhat in the last post sometimes in life you find yourself surrounded by walls of lies and fears and doubts and it feels like the light is quickly fading like it does on a winter day. I'm learning something or being reminded of it but even in the midst of those times there somehow, some way always seems to be a beacon of hope, be it in a word that seems to show up everywhere you look or someone sending a text, email or just telling you in person something that is the exact thing that you needed reminding of or that you needed to hang on to the truth, to the light. Can I be honest with you? Sometimes during these times that it gets a bit dark I sometimes wonder where God is, now before you do *gasp* I would never how dare someone say that and you say you are a Christian. I know God is always there and He'll never leave nor forsake me but sometimes it's hard to hear or remember those truths or keep a firm grasp on them. In these times I hang on for dear life though and always without fail, it may take longer than I like or it may feel like forever, but always there will come a time when someone will say something or just be there to encourage or even just be like look it's time you get your butt up (because sometimes tough love is what you need too). So in my recent time of Lord help me not to give up some themes seemed to be popping up everywhere. Most of them had to do with courage. I'll list them all at the end that kept showing up, maybe they'll help you too but right now I have to share one that showed up on my FB yesterday because you know how I said sometimes God seems far away and I wonder are you there, am I bothering God, does He care about a little problem such as mine when so much else is going on....well this verse showed up and I think it answered those questions:

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Now to continue with the courage thing, I'm a quiet person even when I do talk, and I can talk you just got to pick the right subjects, but when I do talk there's going to be several times you have to say what. With that I sometimes think I get stuck in because I'm quiet and sometimes timid and such that I don't really have any courage and not really much I can do. Kind of a who am I type thing. Had a fairly big epiphany about that earlier this morning. A lot of times I think we get stuck in how many times we roar and even how loud we roar and if you're like me and not good at either one of those well you think you are the cowardly lion. You know the cool thing about the cowardly lion, his legs may have been shaking his roar might have even been a bit shaky and not quite as loud and impressive as one thought it should be but he faced many of his fears. I love this quote from The Wizard of Oz:

 Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it!

See even though he was scared and shaking and even said talk me out of it he had the courage to do it twitching tail and shaky legs and all. See my a-ha! moment this morning was we think courage is having the most and loudest roar and standing on firm ground without an ounce of shaking in the legs or an ounce of fear. But I think courage is saying alright I'll go, I'll face this and when you stand it might take a minute to get your footing and during the whole time you still might have some shakiness in your legs but your standing. When you go to roar it might come out weak, you might have to clear your throat and might even have to say it again but you have a voice and you're using it. And sometimes we're like Lucy and we hear that small voice that says, Courage, dear heart that little voice that says you aren't alone, most importantly I got you and along the way I've got some people that will be there to help remind you of this too. So today if you feel like the cowardly lion or just think your roar is to weak to make a difference to even be heard can I just say, Courage, dear heart.

  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

 
Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”

And lastly this is a quote/poem that I stumble across from time to time and I just really love it (me and my obsession with quotes and all) but I think it says so much and is just really encouraging.


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.
Unknown

It Ain't Over Yet

Set backs, or sit downs as I sometimes like to call them because sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed and 'sit down.' Problem with me sitting down is I can stay there to long and there's not good company at these sit downs. Nope, not at all because fears, lies and doubts are the 'friends' at these sit downs. But you got to give it to them they sure know how to talk the talk. Make a lie sound good and if you ain't careful you're about ready to pay for that ocean front property in Arizona and forget all the truths you have known. I've found myself in a sit down moment. However, I'm getting up scooting that chair I was sitting in back under the table of lies and walking, no I'm running away. These lies, well see some people tell themselves a lie so much they'll believe it's true because it's the only way they can deal with what they did or their part in it and some people have some things happen to them and they believe the lies that they have no worth, that what happened is their fault and they build walls up and push people away. In some ways maybe we all fit in both categories. I'm not here to play the blame game because who did what and why they did what they did, well sometimes you'll never get the true answer of that and that's okay because that's not my whole story, it's not my whole puzzle. Good thing to because it's not my favorite part...hmmm, random thought but you know we all have a part of our puzzle we don't want people to see cause we think it's ugly, a part we just can't understand why it happened, we can't see how it fits. Maybe these are our most important pieces not because you deserved or it was good that you went through the struggle but 1) you made it, you survived that struggle that you thought was going to end you. 2) maybe you'll have a just so happen encounter with someone or several someones that you'll find out are going through something similar to you or have gone through it too and you can help them. And sometimes, because I don't think we fully realize sometimes the effects something we have gone through has had on us, we meet people that will help us. They may or may not have gone through a similar situation, sometimes I think you just need someone that is there to help you see the truth of who you are and help you move forward and sometimes you do need someone to say I understand or even if they don't have the perfect answer just knowing you aren't in this alone is such a huge help. I try to do things alone way to much to be honest, I hide it's what I do, not wise, like seriously please don't do that. I'll tell you why because when you hide that's when those sneaky little lies come out of hiding in the shadows. And if you're not careful you'll hide more and more until you start to believe you'll never get out of the dark that you're so far from the light (just another lie). So I don't know what you have gone through or what you're going through, or even what lies you face because of something that happened to you. I don't have a perfect solution of how to face the lies or that will make it 100% better for the rest of your life at the snap of your fingers. I am figuring some things on how to deal with it. You know I've said it countless times but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and I think I'm slowly understanding some reasons or getting a clearer view of the truth. Because maybe the why isn't important but knowing and getting the truth of who I am is what is important. Who I am isn't all of in my name and who is in my blood line which is interesting to find out for sure. But for me what is important is knowing that I am a child of God and that He loves me and I am important to Him my imperfections, slip ups, set backs and all. Now if you believe in God and this is also a struggle for you to completely comprehend it is my sincerest prayer and hope that you and I both 100% get the truth of that. If you're still reading I would like to add that though I have no perfect no fail course to get through these things again I have to say please, please don't try to go it alone. I sincerely hope you have at least one person you can confide in and will help you (I'll listen if you don't have anyone) and of course if you have faith believe in God by all means pray too. Speaking from experience I know sometimes it's difficult to pray when the lies get to loud so again I hope you have someone you can go to and ask them to pray for/with you. I know that can be difficult to do, Lord knows I am unbelievably private, several people that know me barely have the surface story of some of my life and there's a couple that probably wish they only knew that much because somehow I have gotten just comfortable enough to let them in and I'll talk to them. As I stated earlier sometimes people lie to themselves so they can deal with what they did but sometimes we hear lies (you're unworthy, you're a terrible person for so and so to leave, God doesn't love you, you'll never get through this just give up...etc.) those lies well I am fairly convinced that those are the lies of someone that is afraid that when you realize the truth watch out because you are worthy, you are a great person that God loves and you will get through this and on the other side of the lies you're gonna fly and oh the things that you will accomplish. Lastly, I just want to share a few things I stumbled across the last couple of days that have showed up at the right time to help me get a glimpse of the lies I had started to surround myself with and that have reminded me that I don't have to ride this ride alone.  So even if it feels like it's over it's not, because you are important and are worth so very much so no matter how quiet the voice of truth may sound right now focus everything you have on that and I don't care how small a step someone may say you have taken and it won't help take that step anyway because the light and truth may be in that very next step.

God sends people into our lives for many reasons, and in many cases, it is in response to a need we have — whether it’s now, or yet to come. No relationship happens in the Kingdom of God by circumstance or without reason, whether it’s to provide friendship, help us through a season of difficulty, provide wisdom or inspire us to stand strong in our faith when we feel weak and unsure.
- from Proverbs 31 Ministries, Godly Friends, Godly Wisdom devotion

Life is full of disappointments, failures and setbacks. None of those things can permanently stop you. You have the power in you to overcome anything that life throws at you. There is nothing as powerful as a mind made up. Surround yourself with people who remind you that you matter, and support you in the ways that matter most to you. No person, situation, or circumstance can define who you are. Don't give up or stop believing that it's possible. It's not over until you win...whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come.  Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.

Facing My Giants

 I have no idea why I am writing this or what exactly I am even about to write so forgive the randomness and whatever else may follow. This is going to possibly end up like a preview of my now traditional year in review post but enough speculating where this is going to go let's just see where it does go.

This time of year is quite difficult for a lot of people, they miss loved ones that are no longer here with them and/or people just feel especially alone and that they don't matter around the holidays. I have struggled with this time of year since 2002 when my grandma passed away, never quite got over it. I was thinking about that today and I've seen a lot of items with cardinals on them, now usually this will have me almost in tears and just such sorrow and sadness while I think of my grandma. But this year, thank God something has happened and this year I'm facing some giants. The other day I saw a cardinal figurine and I had 'Aww, maw-maw would have loved that.' and normally this is where it would just go downhill but I have peace and I finally know that she's in a better place and one day I will see her again and after 14 years I finally got the goodbye that I didn't get that fateful morning of January 30, 2002. So one stone knocked down the giant of sorrow that I had felt for so many years with that and thank God I was able to have a way to face that giant and conquer it. I'll always miss my grandma and will no doubt catch myself wanting to go tell her something but until the day I get to see her again I have wonderful memories of her and I forever will have the dream I had with her in it after she passed away and she looked so young and healthy and had her voice again and when she turned around and saw me she said, 'Where have you been? I've been waiting for you.' Oh, maw-maw I've been facing some giants and tearing down some walls and have found some great friends that are helping me run this race.

Sticking with the facing giants and running a race theme I don't know if you have ever read this poem called Undo Me (or Lord Undo Me) by Blake Williams, if not you should read the whole thing it is really good. In part of this poem it states: break down these walls that I love so much No, wait don’t, I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this don’t But I can’t live this way anymore I can’t stand here in this half-life this going through the motions life this not really alive life Father, I need you so come in and do what you must...I heard this read on K-LOVE a little while back and when it got to this part me being apparently ridiculously emotional got teary eyed and said that's me God.At some point this whole poem has been me but this particular time I'm mostly in that part of Lord break these walls down and then freaking out when the walls do start to come down and think No God don't take the walls what will happen I don't know if I can face what is on the other side of the wall. And to be perfectly honest I think these walls are my absolute biggest giants that I have/am facing. Because you see in my house that I built the walls were built, insulated and painted with lies and fears. Some will tell you it doesn't matter what kind of materials you use to build a house, or in this case build your life and what you have in your heart. It does. For a long time in my house I had built the walls, had very few windows and only one door all built on lies and fears and all along thinking I had the best protection from storms of  life and from being hurt but that was wrong. So I've been doing some major remodeling thank God. Now over the years I've thought I've done some remodeling and it was just enough to quiet the lies really but this time, well this time I've really knocked some walls down and have been adding some windows and doors. I have also had moments where I've tried to build the walls back up and block the windows and doors  I added. Now some will read this and say I am a complete failure at one point I would have 100% agreed with that. However, I am learning in this remodeling that it doesn't happen over night especially with how much I have to remodel. Also that is just a major lie and generally in the midst of these lies I have learned and gotten so much better at hearing the still small voice that is whispering the truth. The truth that I will make it, to just take one more step. to remove just one more small piece of that wall because there is no giant on the other side of that wall there is so much more. It was put to me this way by someone recently that when the walls are gone that there can be more good things that can take its place like more of Gods' presence, more love and more friends (and if you happen to be reading this a huge thank you as always because it was something I needed to hear and/or be reminded of). Thankfully I really have been able to knock down a lot of walls and for the most part keep them completely down. I find myself facing the big wall now and part of me really does just want to have a nope this isn't ever coming down moment but I look back and around at what I've been able to do just this year alone and I know that there will be some amazing things that can and will happen when this last wall comes down. And I know for me it can all be a bit overwhelming and quite often I will just go in circles, I've never been part of a real life house model but this kind of remodel sometimes feels like I am over budget and can't even afford to finish tearing the walls down. But I can and I will. I ain't saying it's going to be a pretty or easy remodel but I am saying I've come to far, I have to much to do and I am worthy enough to have the foundation and rooms built of truth.

Now this brings me to my next to last thought and that is about a race, particularly at the starting line waiting for the sound that it's time to go and start the race. The other day as I was taking a bit of a break and pacing the floor to try to sort through some thoughts something came to mind. I feel like I am at the starting line of a race, what kind of race I don't know but I think it's a big one. Now usually when I feel like this or even when I'm trying to tear those walls down if things go a bit slower than I think they should be or whatever of the many number of scenarios one could write here I'll start having doubts and fears and such. But this race it is different. Sure those things still try to find their way but this just feels different. It's like in the waiting I am being prepared and growing so that when I do hear the sound that gives me the go ahead to run the race I will be prepared to face the obstacles and to finish the race and not saying finish the race in first place because that's not what is important, not to me anyway. What I place in the race is such a small part for me what matters is I finish, I cross that line. And it may not be easy I don't know but while I wait for this race to start I'm going to do some remodeling and face some giants.

Lastly, I'm including a poem I recently wrote and it starts out I have a story to be told and I do and that story will somehow serve a purpose and maybe one day I can feel that it is okay to share more of that story here but until that day, I'll share the bits and pieces that I think is time to share. Whatever giant you are facing, wherever you may be in remodeling, or if you are waiting to start a race of your own may you never give up and always remember that you are worthy and matter and no matter how small a step or piece of wall you take down it's still moving forward and go you for moving forward. 

 Facing My Giants
By: April Donahue
11/13/16

I have a story to be told
But not one I would have chose
Full of twists and turns
Even a lesson or two was learned

Fears tried to turn out the light
While I held on for dear life
Not always quite sure what to do
As lies try to block my view

Telling me I have to many scars
And that I've gone to far
Keeping me from seeing my worth
The truth it didn't want me to unearth

To many, they'll see broken
But to God I am chosen
I wear brand new clothes
Made of forgiveness, peace and hope

Because I will face my giants
Like David did Goliath
Not with a spear or sword
But in the name of the Lord

Broken But Still Worthy

Bare with me if we're friends on Facebook you've seen part of this but I felt I needed to write more on it. If you've not read any of it yet still bare with me I had it in my head while driving on 68 how I wanted to write it but that's been a few hours ago now. Shall we begin?

This morning I dropped my phone for the who knows what number time now. This morning that fall put a crack on the screen of my phone to go along with the other crack that is in the upper left hand corner and the chips all around the edge of the phone. Yes, I am that clumsy. No worries it's not a fancy schmancy phone but I really do still try to take care of it. Now most would look at my phone and say it's ruined and ask when I was going to get another one. I'm learning a lot from this broken screen. By all accounts this phone shouldn't work it should be discarded but the phone does still work and it serves its purpose. Though it's broken it can definitely still be used. People are like that too. Somehow people will see others and how they are broken and count them out. You know what's bad is when we look at ourselves and see broken and unworthy, believing the lie we can never be used again (loved, whole, free, etc.). I can only speak for myself but maybe you can relate. I have spent most of my life thinking I was broken and unworthy. And I was broken and that's okay because broken pieces can be put back together, broken pieces can still be a masterpiece. What wasn't okay is believing the lie that I was/am unworthy and that I was unworthy because I was broken or not perfect. As I've stated I'm clumsy and growing up I had a little tea set, you guessed it, I broke the little plate the tea set sat on. It was glued back together but there was this little crack you could forever see on that plate. To most it wasn't perfect anymore, it was flawed, broken, unworthy. And to be honest I felt terrible every time I saw that plate (I guess it would be more like the tray) but now thinking about it that tray still served its purpose, it just had an added story to tell thanks to that place where it was put back together. I have some places where I've been put back together again, I have some places that I'm working on and/or still need to work on getting the pieces glued back together again. I spent most of my life either pretending I had the pieces together or putting them back together with lies (that whole unworthy, using fears as the glue, just trying to act perfect) but that glue hides the masterpiece it doesn't let the right light shine out from you or the right light in, it doesn't protect or hold you together like you are meant to be. There's a line from the song Loving My Jesus by Casting Crowns that states, 'sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside cause no one will understand...' That's the kind of glue I have used most of my life, still do sometimes if I'm honest. Later on in the song it stated, '...truth that has set me free is that I'm just a broken man...' And in the song it talks about showing his scars. It's funny to me that if we fall and get a scar we show it like a badge of honor but the scars we have from our own mistakes or that were caused by others we hide them. We think those make us to broken to ever be fixed, put back together again, usable again, we think we are forever unworthy now but that's a lie. There's a quote that states even a broken crayon can still color. The things that broke you, the things that broke me they may have tried to destroy us, may still be trying to destroy us but it doesn't make us unworthy. It makes us stronger and will help us help others. It's not easy and it takes help (and above all else God) to get the pieces put back together, for some pieces to even be found again. I'm thankful I'm getting my pieces put back together, I'm thankful for what some may see as cracks in my pieces put back together and some may even only see broken but I see so much more. I see someone that held on to hope when I thought for sure I had no hope or faith left. I see someone that tries to hide behind walls but there are people and God that sees someone that matters and tries to help tear the walls down. I see an imperfect person that is loved and forgiven by a perfect God. I see someone that is broken and may have a few scars and cracks but is still worthy. And if you're reading this I hope you know and always remember that no matter how broken you or the world says you are that you matter, you are important and you are worthy.

Looking out the Window

Forgive me because I'm sure this has been an analogy I've used countless times but I have a terrible memory and it takes me a long time to get things sometimes. It still should be different enough from any other time I've wrote this so there is that at least. Picture it if you will you're in a room looking at what just seems like a wall but there is one area that is just a different enough color to make you wonder what that spot is, could it be part of the wall or something else? As you get closer you see just a big enough spot of something shining through this spot? What is this, is it a hole in the wall? So you wipe your hand across this and suddenly light shines through because this wasn't part of the wall at all there has been a window there this whole time. Now in my weird way of thinking I picture this room as how I see things, how I even see myself, actually perhaps even mostly how I see myself. At some point this window was very much visible and for whatever reason(s) it slowly got covered up with grime and dirt. I think of this grime and dirt as lies. Lies to keep out the truth, to keep out the light and to keep your light from shining out. Everyone has a story and in ways that story will be different of how the grime and dirt started piling up but each story is important and matters. I won't tell you how or why mine started building up but at some point I started believing the lie that I had to be perfect to earn people's love or for them to like me. That was one of the many things that has added layers upon layers of my window. If I was just perfect enough they won't leave (yet here's a kicker I also built up walls to keep people out, actually to help make that maybe make a bit more sense I built the walls up so I'd have a bit more control of how close you got to me and I got to you to protect me or what I thought was protecting me but I also thought I had to be perfect in everything I did in part for previously stated reasons and other reasons as well, I'd list them but some to be honest I'm still just figuring out myself and some I'm just about to open the door to see why.). Anyway I think a lot of people fall in the perfectionism category. We think we need the perfect house, perfect car, have to be the perfect size and have the perfect hair to find someone to love us, perfect job to make the perfect amount of money. Perfect, perfect perfect.....Lies, lies, lies. I saw a quote today from Steven Furtick today that stated, 'Perfectionism is the enemy of progress.' And I can believe that. There's other things that can build up the dirt too but I'm just going to leave it at this and move on to getting to see that little speck of light shining through. Short version of this is sometimes we may hear voices on the other side and curiosity gets the best of us so we wipe at this grimed up window and see what's on the other side, sometimes we need other people to help us see and wipe away the lies that have built up. And yes it is ultimately up to you but sometimes you have to have help. Also an area I struggle with but I'm getting a bit better with that, I think...okay I hope. I am getting a better understanding of my room and this window that has been blocking my view from the truth of who I am most of my life. Am I saying oh look I've typed this scenario and I'm who I want to be and everything is just fine now? No, no I am not I still have so many struggles and some days I feel like I'm getting a clear picture and view out of the window and some days I can barely see out. For example I have times where I get unbelievably anxious and my mind races with to many things to even list. I've learned there are certain things I do when this hits and sometimes it means hiding from people and sometimes I end up messaging a couple of people a lot (so sorry) with stuff that probably makes no sense cause I think so fast that it probably sounds like messed up ramblings. And sometimes I think I do both. Now when I struggle with this I should go to someone and just be honest with what's going on and see if they can help me but these moments are when the grime gets built up big time on my window and it's more difficult for me to be honest with myself and others of what's going on. I just say I'm fine because I believe the lie of what will people say and think if they knew well they'd leave or laugh or whatever. But that's all it is, is a lie. I'll never be perfect this side of heaven and I'll never be the person some people think I should be. I'll always be to much of something or not enough of this. Here's something else I sometimes deal with when trying to wipe away those lies...you are making some progress in getting through these lies to the truth but you slip up, fall back down on another area. A lot of times this is when I would think well I messed up again I'm not good enough, never going to make it and lies upon lies. However recently I've discovered what I decide to put after the conjunction (where as before it would be yeah but negative thought after negative condemnation about myself) now if I mess up or whatever and those lies try to attack I think Yeah I did mess up but look at how far I have made it, there was a time I wouldn't have tried that or Yeah I did but let's take the time to look at all of the bad habits or lies I'm not doing). I had a moment one day where the negative thoughts were trying to come after that conjunction and I though no not today I'm sorry conjunction junction is closed I ain't going there today. And again no one is going to have a lifetime of that window being perfectly clean, mine is getting cleaner and clearer than it has been for awhile, possibly ever but I have days when it gets blocked. And when this happens to you I hope you have people you can go to that will help you or as is sometimes the case with me when I try to hide people that will make sure you don't hide from them. Because there's nothing wrong with not having a perfectly clean window all of the time. And in the end it is important for that light and truth to get in so you can grow not to be perfect but to be who you really are and it's important that the light inside of you can get out so others can see it so you can help others.

Hello Old Friend

Habits are a tricky thing aren't they? I mean they can become something to help and make you have  better life or it can end up being something on the flip side and hindering you. Some habits you may not even realize you have until maybe it's pointed out or one day you just catch it yourself and realize just how much you do said habit. Me personally I have a lot of mostly nervous fidgets and habits. I don't know how long it takes to break a bad habit or create a new habit but I think (hope and pray may be more accurate) that I'm at least  somewhere in the middle of breaking the old and creating new and better habits. You know what's funny, sometimes frustrating ,about trying to break bad habit or just move forward in general? It can be difficult at times to see how much progress you are truly making, many times it can feel like you aren't making progress or am I the only one that does that? I have this sneaky little voice that likes to point out how much farther I still have to go and tries to quiet the voice that says how far I have made it. Fear and lies all it is. I've written about this before but it's like that book 'The Monster at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover' (still one of my favorite books along with Horton Hears a Who and some more). In the book Grover keeps trying to get you to not turn the page because someone said there was a monster at the end of the book and the closer you get to the end the more Grover panics because he doesn't want to see the monster. At the end there is no scary monster it's just lovable, furry old Grover nothing to be afraid of at all. I am like Grover and I haven't quite got to end of the book to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of but I think I have an advantage over Grover cause I don't have to wait until I get to the end of the book to realize that. I'm somewhere between yay, I've made it three weeks without biting or picking my fingernails and oh no I'm trying to push people away again. So I find myself at in interesting place in my book. Do I do like I normally would at this part of my book (actually to be honest I've never gotten this far in my book due to what I'm about to write) and do I close the book and hide it away or do I turn the page? I think it's time to turn the page because what is behind all of these doors or what will be on the next page will not necessarily be scary or bad it could be good. And the good thing is I don't have to finish the book by myself (if I haven't pushed people away to many times, so sorry to those I do that too, momentarily listen to the fear and lie that I can't get close to people and I freak out when I realize how close I am getting. I'll turn the page from that lie too.). Maybe you are in the beginning, middle or really close to seeing that monster at the end of your book. Maybe you're like me and are stuck on a page afraid to read on debating closing the book. I think I got this part of the story memorized and it's time to read on and see what the next page has in store because I may not know what all will unfold in the rest of the story but I know that whatever it is will be worth it because there are some good things that are going to happen on the pages I haven't gotten to yet and well I'll never get to my happy ending if I don't turn the page, because in the end I do believe it will be a happy ending, but I got some reading to do before I get there.

For Such A Time As This - One Year Later

A year ago today, according to my memories on Facebook, I wrote a post titled For Such A Time As This. I actually opened it and as I was reading it I thought 1) oh Lord, maybe I shouldn't write a blog 2) wow, what a difference a year makes and 3) thank God I am truly moving forward and I can actually tell that finally. In the end of last years post I wrote in part, 'See I don't know or truly understand what season I am at right now but I know that I am here and I am who I am right now for such a time as this.' I often say one shouldn't live in the past but that post was a reminder of how sometimes a glance back to see how far you have made it is that encouragement you needed cause sometimes it just feels like you aren't moving forward (sometimes you really ain't but more on that later) and isn't it sometimes just completely amazing to see how you have made it, thank God. So where I was at last year was on my way moving forward but not really. See I was going through the motions, had gotten rid of just enough hurts and such that I thought I was okay, that's all I thought was really possible or all I deserved to have because it seemed I should carry these hurts, rejections and burdens, it's all I would allow to happen in part cause I didn't know how or what to do to get rid of these things and I didn't want anyone to know all this that I was feeling or going through, safer to go through the motions. But what I didn't know or understand that all these years have been making me and leading me to such a time as this. I hear people say if they could live life over again they'd do this or that different. I don't know if I would, sure it'd be great to live many less years dealing with things I've dealt with but everything led me to meet the people and go places to get me where I am now, for such a time as this. For so long I wanted to escape these feelings and I tried but it only masked how I was feeling it never gave me the freedom I so wanted from these chains and such. I was so tired of just going through the motions and it was killing me but thank God He heard my cries and has helped me so much  since I wrote that post last year. We all have seasons, trials and such and it's not fun but at least it can be used so you can help others as I read in a quote we're not here to see through people but to help see people through. I'm still not sure what my such a time as this involves but I finally have a better understanding of what my role and place is and am so glad and thankful God allowed me to meet and have the people that are in my life and have played a role in helping me move forward or just being there, that means more to me than I can ever pay you all back but i'm forever grateful. Most of all I am so glad and thankful for the freedom and chains that have truly been broken, I'm no longer walking through the motions but in a peace and freedom I haven't ever known. So in this time I will continue to grow and move forward to whatever such a time as this has in store for me.

I'll Look Up

If you know me the title of this is kind of funny and a bit ironic because pretty much all of my life I have had the habit of looking down whenever I walk, I used to jokingly say I'll know who you are more by your shoes than your face. I have however gotten better about looking up while I walk who knew I was missing so much?! It's also based on a song by We Are Messengers, although technically the title of that song is I Look Up, but I really like that song and there is a line that goes: So if I wanna catch a glimpse of something bigger than me I have to look up. And can I just tell you I am, finally at the age of thirty two, finally getting that and figuring out who I am, not the lies I've told myself or been told by others, not the walls I've built and hid behind. I recently finished reading In Such Good Company by Carol Burnett (good read by the way) and in it she writes about how they went about hiring the regulars and how the studio didn't want her to hire Vicki Lawrence because she was 'rough' and I love Carol's response, 'So is a diamond, at first.' and thankfully Carol stood her ground and hired Vicki. She saw who Vicki was, the person hidden behind what would be labeled as shy exterior and Harvey Korman saw her potential and took her under his wings and helped show her the ropes and well as they say the rest is history, some of televisions best laughs history (the famous elephant story blooper, need I say more...if I do just look it up on YouTube). Point being we all have stories and have all went through stuff that has made us believe lies about ourselves, sometimes we fuel those lies and keep them alive for way longer than they ever should have been. Sometimes we believe we can't do something or we'll never be who we want to be, really the list goes on and on (like the song that will not end!). That is where I am quite thankful and grateful for the Carol Burnett's in my life because sometimes we need help in getting past those lies because they can be hurdles that we think we will never cross or dare I say we believe that we don't deserve to be able to cross them (I'm sure I'm not the only one that has thought that). We're not meant or supposed to walk this road alone we need help be it reminding that we can take that next step or just someone to laugh with sometimes we just need a friend.  I was reading an old blog post from January 2015 I had written about crossing bridges and how I have trouble with that. To be honest for some time I just decided I'm going to quit trying I'll just park myself here behind these walls because I'm not setting myself up for failure yet again because it would seem when I try to cross a bridge or even build one the fear and such would win and I'd run back to the comfort zone side of the bridge. That's just a lie though and again if I'm honest I hate my comfort zone it is has become so unbelievably boring It's funny because oftentimes in my dreams I would be on a bridge and the bridge would collapse. I think subconsciously I started thinking that if I built bridges in real life that they also would collapse so to keep myself safe I just didn't. Just another lie. So starting today I've tore the walls down and I'm going to start building some bridges because the views on the other side look amazing and I got so much I got to do. Because I may just be a diamond in the rough but I'm going to shine.

Walls

Advanced apologies because some of this may be repeats from previous writings. I have so much going through my head that sometimes I can't remember if I really wrote or told someone or if it is still in draft mode in my head. Now that we got that out of the way shall we carry on?

I guess  I'll start with another thought or two that has really stuck with me from my vacation. I was able to climb three lighthouses while on my trip. Ironic I am terrified of heights but love lighthouses, to me they represent a beacon of hope. While climbing the last one, which also happened to be the tallest (Cape Hatteras) there was an older woman and I believe her daughter and son in law. They were ahead of me and I heard the man telling the woman to take her time it wasn't a race, that it didn't matter how long it took for them to get to the top. I ended up catching up to them at the third level where we all ended up needing to rest. The older lady needed to sit on the steps (bless her, she was all worried she'd be in my way and keep me from going. I told her to take her time it wouldn't interfere with me.) As she was sitting she said, 'I have breast cancer and don't have the energy I used to.' At that moment and probably until I take my last breath I was and am in complete awe of her determination to climb that lighthouse. I learned a few things that day. One being life isn't a race, don't think you're less than another if you have to take a rest or don't get to a level as fast as another. Sometimes you got to give yourself a pep talk and sometimes you got to have someone there to give you that reminder and pep talk so you'll take the rest you need and/or so you can take that next step that you just don't think you can take. I also learned we can be like lighthouses. You don't have to be loud sometimes all you have to do is stand tall and let your light shine. You see that day I climbed an 198 feet tall lighthouse but I met a lighthouse on the third landing that day when I met that woman.

On Saturday I got the chance to go to the Rock the Smokies event at Dollywood. And I am so glad that I did because I was reminded of a couple things, actually encouraged may be more appropriate. I just went thinking I was going to see a few artists I really enjoy hearing but got so much more out if it. I was able to see 7eventh Time Down, a band I have wanted to see for awhile. Twice during that show the singer said, Today let's tear those walls down we have built around our hearts. Twice. I was like dude I'm working on it. After that show ended I had planned on going to wait to see another band but I just felt like I needed to walk to the church (my favorite place at Dollywood). As I'm walking I hear We Are Messengers, I'm super excited cause I wanted to see him but I thought for sure I had missed the whole show. So I go lean against a post to listen to what is left of the show. Two things happened during this show. The first was before he started another sing he was talking (he is from Ireland if you aren't familiar with the band) and he says something along the lines of, 'Jesus wants to take that sorrow, shame and condemnation that you've been carrying.' At this point I'm having an Okay I think you're trying to tell me something God moment. Anyway, next thing, later on in his set he had everyone hold hands (I conviently hid by that pole that was holding me up). And he talks about how people need love, they sometimes need that pat on the back or hug that touch to remind them they aren't alone. Then he asks ,'If you're lonely would you just raise your hand.' Which several did and one has to wonder how many were lonely but didn't raise their hand. Then he says, 'That's okay that you're lonely. And basically he didn't have the perfect answer to to make them not lonely anymore but to know they are loved and it's okay to not be okay. This one hit me because I often do wonder is the person I'm sitting next to, do they know how much they matter? Are they really okay when you ask how they are or did they put on that mask with the smile and inside are crying. I saw a thing on Facebook that went something like this:

Person: How are things with you?
Me: things are good
Narrator: things were not good

(Please tell me I'm not the only one that imagines the narrator in Morgan Freeman's voice?)

And sadly sometimes I think tjis happens more than it should because we believe the lie that we are a bother, that no one really cares and/or that we always have to be strong. You don't, as that guy said it's okay to not be okay. You know apparently I need to learn this cause I keep going back to you (nor I) have to ride this life by ourselves. It's okay to let people in and help carry a load. I'm not the best at having the right words to say and may not be the best at giving hugs when needed (I'm getting there and it's not cause I don't want to give or receive hugs), but I try my best to be there for people. I'll sit there and cry, laugh (or both), listen or just sit in silence with you. Because I've felt lonely a lot and I want to do all I can to let people know they matter. I don't have all the answers most of the time I don't have any answer but I know it's okay if you're not okay, you aren't alone and you matter.

So today I'm taking a few more pieces away from these walls built up, trying to destroy these masks society has tried to tell me I have to wear to be normal and fit in because it's time for some giants to fall because those lies and fears have blocked my view and road to long. 

Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven....
Ecclesiastes 3:1

In a few weeks we'll be going into a new season and one of my favorites at that. I love Spring because to me it represents renewal, the plants and trees growing and blooming once again after winters brutal cold.  I love Fall because the leaves changing just before they make the last journey to the ground as the trees prepare to rest is almost a reminder that, well for everything there is a season and remember these beautiful colors during those days when it may not be the most beautiful of days. Life is like that. We all have seasons, I daresay you are in one right now. Some seasons are like your favorite season of weather and some are like your least favorite (winter for me) and those seasons seem like they'll never end don't they. I've been thinking a lot lately about seasons and what season I am in now. I recently was fortunate enough to go to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. At a park I was walking by myself and as I was leaving this little boy about five or six and his little sister began running just ahead of their parents into the park. The little boy saw me, stopped and looked at me quite concerned and said, " You shouldn't be walking by yourself." I smiled and said, "No, I shouldn't, should I?" I thought about that and at first was like I totally just got in trouble by a kid and he was right I shouldn't walk in certain places by myself. I think he is onto something else. I am the worst at trying to walk this ride called life by myself. I'll be thee to help you out any time any day but to let others in to help me with my walk, the struggle is real. But that little boy reminded me one shouldn't walk this ride called life by yourself. We all have seasons, those we need to have someone help us carry these burdens, help us stay on the path and just know we're not alone. Than we have seasons we will do those things for someone else. I think I'm finally getting that, or I'm trying more than I ever have to get it and apply it to my life. I've always thought everyone in your life and even the strangers you pass are put in your path for a reason. As Tyler Perry put it some are leaves, some branches and some are roots but all serve a purpose. The season I'm in now I've been in to some degree for way to long. However, just like in a few weeks it will be a new season, Idon't know when it will happen but I'm about to enter a new season in my life. You know how a window will fog up sometimes and you know what is outside but you can't see the clear picture due to the foggy window. Sometimes life has felt like that to me and I've often forgot all I had to do was wipe away the fog and I could see clearly. And that is why we need to not walk alone because sometimes we forget, sometimes we just don't have the strength and sometimes we just need the company whether we know it or not. So whatever season you are in or about to enter into I hope you remember to not walk alone and you have some roots kind of people in your life to walk with you. I have my hoodies ready and waiting to wear in the fall and my camera ready as we get closer and closer to fall and I have my head held up  thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help make sure I don't walk by myself as I'm about to enter a new season in my life.

Vines

If I kept a count of my random thoughts I wonder which number this one would be? Probably one I would get tired of saying before I finished the ridiculously astronomical number. Earlier I got thinking about thoughts and how amazing it is that what seemingly is nothing but a simple thought can help or hinder you. Where I live there is this vine, not a clue what it is called, but it is a pain. It is nearly impossible to get rid of and just when you think you have here it comes back again. It was at this point in my thinking I had the light bulb come on and well here I am writing what I saw when the light came on. This particular writing is going to focus on the thoughts that hinder, mostly anyway. I'm going to assume it's safe to say we all have our times where we battle thoughts that hinder us, that take us to a place that isn't good for us, and/or we have fears and doubts that we face. Perhaps you're like me and sometimes have battles with all three, most of the time they all three gang up on me and I feel outnumbered and overwhelmed in the fight. Those thoughts, fears and doubts all to often become like that vine. See that vine didn't really serve a purpose but to take up room and prevent anything else from growing in its place. Growing up on occasion I would see a spot where these vines had taken over and decide I was going to pull up the vine so maybe something else could grow there. At least once while doing this there would be some pieces of the vine that I could pull up and remove with ease and there was some I just wasn't strong enough to pull even though I put every ounce of strength I had in me at the time. Usually it started out the big pieces were really easy to get rid of and I thought oh this is going to be easy I'll get this taken care of and rid of in no time. I was wrong. Once I got the big pieces out of the way I had to try to get rid of the smaller pieces. Those were more difficult to get a grasp on, more difficult to get much pulled up besides what was on the surface. Some of the vines I just couldn't make any progress on without help. Did I mention the blisters I got from trying to get rid of these vines? I think thoughts, fears and doubts can be like those vines. Some can be easy to face and vanquish. Some you really got to fight to get a good grip on and use every ounce of strength to conquer. There are those doubts and fears you may have carried for years, maybe your whole life, I think those are like those little pieces of vines. It can be those pieces that you not only have to sit down and take your time at even being able to get a hold of but those are sometimes the ones you need help with getting rid of them and not just on the surface but destroying the roots from which the lies grow. Just like those vines would look like they were gone and I would think they had been overthrown sometimes they would come back as do the thoughts, fears and doubts of life. This can be discouraging, I daresay even overwhelming even. Don't let it be water to the lies of those thoughts, doubts and fears so that you think you'll never beat these things but instead hopefully you can see it as it doesn't have the hold on you that it once did and every bit you pull up, every time you face those fears and doubts and every time you conquer that thought you have pulled a bit more of the root and ultimately you will overcome this vine or battle. I recently had a really, really, I mean absolutely terrible day. It was one of those I'm still not sure if it was a panic attack, breakdown or both, I'm leaning towards both because well I'll just say I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Because I couldn't breathe among other things I ended up messaging someone to ask if they would pray for me. To be honest I felt stupid about it after I did so (I tend to do that any time I open up, not sure why). Anyway the other day they asked how I was I said okay (again who ever answers that question honestly) and I said I felt stupid for saying that and I shouldn't have bothered her and she said something along the lines of it's only bad not to ask or talk. I guess I'm slowly learning that but Lord have mercy it's difficult for me to do so. I leave you with this when you go to pull those vines of hindering thoughts, fears and doubts make sure you have a good pair of gloves and as much as those thoughts, fears and doubts may try to convince you not to it is okay to ask for help. And it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get the vines destroyed just because others may say you aren't making as much or quick of a progress as they did. Please always remember you aren't going to run the race at the same pace or with the same abilities as others and that is great because you have something that will help someone just like you'll meet others that will help you. I think that's what often makes this life bearable.

Sail Away

Well something is going to happen with this post just for the sole reason that I came up with the title before I even typed this first sentence. I have been thinking and trying to figure out how to type what I want to say and have been pondering on for a few days now. I'm still honestly not sure or to terribly confident I'll get it wrote the way I want to but I suppose it's time to quit procrastinating and just type. As with most of my posts they are courteous of a song and/or a book that in turn produces a list of thoughts mostly over thinking probably but still certain things just seem to have a way to bring things out and help thoughts and/or situations make just a smidgen more sense. And I'm sure somewhere in the past I've written something similar to this thought but maybe, albeit a slim maybe, I haven't. Shall we move on with the show.

Recently I was listening to a song and in part some of the lines were, 'Call me to the ocean but all I see are winds and waves...My ship is in the harbor but You're calling me much farther...' Am I the only one that seems to notice themes or patterns in things, for instance the current theme that seems to be popping up quite frequently for me is dealing with ships and water but I digress. These lines in particular stuck out to me and it got me thinking 1) Wow that's how I feel right now and 2) people are like a ship. I really have quit trying to figure out how my brain gets to these routes I just go along for the ride nowadays. So there is this quote and I'm not sure who said it but it goes like this: A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. I won't be able to write it all to tie it together but I promise at least in my head it is all tied together and makes sense and if it does make sense awesome. A ship is usually in harbor for a rest if you will but it's not built to live out its days in the harbor. Can you imagine? A ship is built and someone looks at it and thinks, ' That is to pretty of a ship to risk sailing it into the rough waters or to let anyone on it to put scuff marks on the wood or to have it carry cargo only for it to spill and damage this masterpiece.' and the person leaves the ship in harbor and doesn't allow anyone on it thus the ship doesn't get to serve its purpose and wastes away in the harbor. Here's why I keep saying people are like ships. We're not meant to stay in the harbor, or comfort zone, all of our lives. Sometimes we need to stay in harbor for a rest or to come back to harbor to restock our supplies be that our rest, energy, strength, faith, etc. My problem isn't getting to the harbor my problem is leaving it. Because you see I to often only see waves and winds when I look out into the ocean, or this life and I get rather intimidated and think who am I there's no way I can make it through that. I think I'll just stay in harbor for a little bit longer. The bad thing with that is 1) that storm may be way out, in fact that storm may not even cross my path if I ever left the harbor 2) just like a ship can endure the winds and waves I can endure more than I think I can. Funny how a crashing wave can look like a mighty mountain sometimes and my mind goes straight to, 'nope can't do it.' Another thing is the anchor, now the anchor is meant to help the ship not to hinder it but you got to be careful what you are using as an anchor. I'll be honest I think I use fear as my anchor more times than not and it has hindered in so many ways. See when fear is my anchor it keeps me in the harbor for way longer than I was ever supposed to stay there. It causes me to tuck tail and run at the slightest sign of a storm without even thinking how to avoid it or if I can even get through it with minimal damage. Storms aren't always bad not always fun either but I think the storms make the ship stronger just like the storms of life can make us stronger. We realize what looked like a storm that was going to destroy us might have knocked us down or caused us to stumble but we just made it part of the dance and are better for it. Some ships use sails here's how we can be like those sails. Say we're in the harbor and looking around at the other ships sails. Some of them have that brand new look, some made out of the best material, some may have intricate patterns or details on them and than we look up at our own sails. What is this there is some stains on my sail and is that, it can't be, oh no it's a small tear and let's not even talk about how faded the sails look. Comparing where we are in our walk with where others are only helps us see our faults and hinders us from seeing how far we have made it. We forget the strength and way we faced our fears to go through the storm that caused that small tear. Furthermore, we most likely don't know the whole story of where those other ships have been and how much longer they have been on these sails to get where they are. Judy Garland said, ' Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.' and I absolutely love that because when you are first rate version of yourself that just magnifies the amazing person that is you and what is awesome is that version of yourself could be the very thing that could help someone else get out of the harbor or through a storm. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let fear be your anchor to keep you in the harbor and don't think because your ship may be smaller or what some may call less majestic that it can't make a difference in carrying that cargo wherever it is supposed to go or that it won't make it through the storm. And it's okay to let others on your ship to help out. So go to the harbor and rest if you need to but don't forget you were made for so much more so pull the anchor up, raise up the sails and let's sail away because there are some amazing adventures to be had.


Here's the song that started this whole train of thoughts...

And here is another song that I've hit replay on a few times....

I Wish I Had A Good Title For This

As I am writing this I am sitting in church, no there is no service going on at the moment, just me sitting here. I live an hour-ish (an hour or less if I break speed limits, a bit more if I drive right) from where I go to church so sometimes I just hang out at the church between services on Sunday. I'm weird I know God knows I've gotten all kinds of looks because of how far I drive to church and because I sit in an empty church between services. I don't get why. There is something peaceful about sitting in a church. I love sitting in the little church at Dollywood and going in the little churches through Cades Cove in Tennessee. It may just be a building but there is just something about it that calms me and gives me a bit of peace. And in those churches they just have the simple wooden pews, no cushions, no air conditioning but I never really notice. Don't get me wrong I am all about the cushioned pew or chair and A.C. but there is something so simple yet powerful getting to take a step back in time and sit in little country churches of old (or replicas as is the case at the church in Dollywood). Moving on...have you ever seen someone and you can just tell, even feel, that they are not okay, that they have something on their mind. I do that sometimes and other times i'm completely blind to it. I'm not sure which is worse cause when I see the person and/or feel that hurt I don't know what i'm supposed to do, if I should even do anything. I ask how they are but that question causes people to lie more than any other question around, I am convinced of that. And back to the hugging thing I saw someone and thought I should give them a hug...I didn't, couldn't make myself but at least someone did give them a hug. Maybe that was the answer and I ignored or fought with it to long and I missed the chance to help in a very small way. Maybe I think I have to have the right words and don't say anything because I just know I'll stumble over my words, repeat things and it just not make any sense but maybe i'm wrong. I don't always have to say anything and when I do does it matter if I stumble over my words or it takes me a bit longer to get a simple i'm here if you need to talk said. Sometimes I think I am a rather selfish person, more concerned about things I shouldn't be instead of just being...being present, being there for others, being there for myself. Because really in allof the times people have been there for me when I said I was okay but really wasn't I don't remember if they stumbled over their words I remember that they cared enough to say and/or show they were there for me by simply saying they were there if I ever needed to talk or just giving me a hug and the looks! I say the looks part mostly joking but I'm fairly certain I have gotten a look from those i'm closest to or been around. You know the look, the you want to try that again cause you and I both know that's a lie. Maybe that's why I don't do well with the whole eye contact while talking I ain't looking at you I can't see the looks you're given me. That and if you can't see my eyes you can't as easily see any hurt or anything else I try to hide. You know it's funny we seem to think we have to do such elaborate things to show people we care but oh how much a simple you doing okay, did you make it home safely, be careful, can prove just how much you mean to someone. I don't have a good quote or video to end this with so I'll just say I hope you are doing okay, have a good week and be safe whatever you do.

Current Title Missing

A big hello and how goes it to the two people that read these posts! Hopefully life is treating you kindly. I sometimes feel most of my life is spent turning in circles scratching my head while trying to figure out how I got to that spot and/or how I can get to another spot. But life is still treating me kindly, I have deemed 2016 the year to go to concerts which works out since I again haven't gotten to travel very far or have any decent getaways. This past week I was able to see Martina McBride which was a fantastic show and she had been on my singers to see in concert bucket list. I have to say though that my favorite part may have actually been before the show started. More repeat stories if we're friends on Facebook and you saw this status...but while sitting on a bench this older couple came up and the man asked if I was saving the seat for him and I said yeah and he said you're alright kid. Me and his wife talked for a bit too, apparently the west side of Michigan is prettier than the East side FYI. I absolutely love older people. One, they have fantastic stories and the wisdom they have is better than any self help book one could buy (no offense if you like those kinds of books). And not to mention they just make you want to hug them. That's a bit ironic since I am utterly backwards about hugs, people should probably be glad about that cause I have a feeling I would be a hugger if not so awkward, backwards, what have you. I realize how bad it is when people say i'm going to hug you. I feel I should apologize because any of those people I really am okay if they hug me I don't mean to be so whatever it is that I am. And truth be told there are a couple people that give those good hugs where it just makes you feel better, hugs like my grandma gave, it's rare but those people I don't mind at all when they just give me a hug. I have no idea why I went on so long about that, didn't mean to! Anyway, I do cherish those times I get to hear any bit of someone's story or a nugget of wisdom they share. But my next concert will be getting to see Wynonna and I wasn't even trying but somehow I got a front row seat, super excited I am. So it's no secret I love to read I don't love how I really haven't been able to read like I love to. Not due to any books to read but I have trouble staying focused and it seems sleep decides that's a perfect time to show up, sleep truly hates me. Sometimes I just don't enjoy reading like I normally do, which is quite sad but luckily a book does come around to help end that. I don't know you ever feel like you're on a roller coaster ride of emotions? My ride stops at the worst places and sometimes takes forever to get moving again. Back to the books, I try to stay away from certain story lines, they just hit to close, almost open doors I try to keep closed. But I bought one of those books the other day. I just started reading it tonight, still not sure I will like it or be able to finish it. I'm having trouble getting into the story but not sure if it's just due to me not liking that kind of story anymore or cause I know part of the storyline and I just don't want to get there. Speaking of opening doors I try to keep closed I realize how I probably need to do that and how much that scares me when a few weeks ago something happened and I suddenly felt like I was in a time machine back to events I don't like to think or talk about. I have also decided I am fat due to all of the stuff I keep bottled up! That and I found every fat gene, not to mention every curly haired gene, in my blood line. I swear there was something about that dream I had about going through those briars, weeds, etc to get where I was supposed to go for whatever reason, or not i don't know. So my  absolute favorite show is Call the Midwife and I think I will end this with a quote from an episode I just watched (i'm still playing catch up and am just starting season four, tear jerker warning if you haven't seen season three finale)...

Invisible wounds are the hardest to heal, for their closure depends on the love of others, on patience, understanding and the tender gift of time. - Jenny (Call The Midwife)

I Just Wanted to Write...so I did :)

As the title suggests there really is no rhyme or reason for this post (is there ever though?!) other then the fact that I just wanted to write. Funny isn't it how just typing a few letters together to combine a word then another until you have some random sentence can help calm your thoughts or just get rid of a few thoughts floating around. This past weekend found me getting to drive around and get to take a few pictures, something else that really calms me and is just something that I truly enjoy getting to do. I'm not sure how weird this is or if I'm the only one to do it but quite often when I'm driving around in places I've never been I tend to imagine what it would be like to live there. Sometimes I even see a house I like and wonder what it would be like to live there and the important things like wonder where they go to the store at (that one always cracks me up but I'm all about food so there you go and some of those places are way out in the country) and wonder where you could go to church at. I'm just trying to live up to the times I get called weird! And I love finding these abandoned buildings, the old churches and schoolhouses being my favorite find. Although it is a bit sad to see them abandoned my imagination has a field day when I stumble across them. I imagine what they looked like in their prime and make up stories and envision people being there. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out where I belong and not only just where I want to live, although I wish I could hurry up and figure that one out too. I'm restless, which usually means I'm about to have a breakdown or a breakthrough or both (can you have both? I think so). It reminds me of, this dream I had a couple or so weeks ago. Granted I don't know if it meant anything or was just another one of my very vivid dreams, I'll go with just a dream. Dreams are weird aren't they? I tend to have themes that show up quite often in my dreams, mainly water and bridges but I digress. Oh the dream that I had...so it started with me and another person in a paintball competition with two other people in this quite difficult maze. At one point the only way I could keep going and make it through was to have the person on my team help me so I said as much to the person as we talked through the plan to get out of it. I don't know if we ever made it or not but skip to another part of the dream and I'm climbing on this tall hill, I suppose you could say it was a mountain, but either way I was at the top or close to the top and looking down in the valley. Again there was someone else there and again I couldn't really see their face but both times I was comfortable around the person and knew I could trust them and they were there to help me. So at the hill there was a place where the person said I needed to go through to get to wherever I needed to be. The only thing was this place was grown up with briars, tall thick weeds and such. The person said I could just stomp them down and make a path. I looked at the overgrown mess and back at the person and back at the weeds. I'm scared I want to go through but all I can think is I can't, that's going to hurt, I'm going to trip and fall. Somethings don't change even in my dreams. And I looked at the person and said, "I can't." yet I so very much wanted to..again somethings I am the same even in my dreams. Anyway I don't know if I did go through or not because I woke up. I'm sure it was a dream but if I'm honest I do feel like I'm at that stage presently. Do I walk through the weeds and briars and risk the getting hurt and tripping or am I going to stand there looking at it forever stuck in my uncomfortable comfort zone? Can I tell you what I hope I do? I hope that I walk through and try to make a path no matter how many times I get cut by the briars or how many times I trip and fall because let's be honest I trip on air so I may as well trip while trying to get somewhere that may be where I'm supposed to be.

Now what?

Can't never could do anything....you know my brain goes about 100mph with thoughts, like constantly, and y'all think I'm quiet take a ride in my head it's loud in there but in it's travels thus far this morning those first few words came to mind. Actually I was thinking about something and thought I can't do that then I thought I say I can't a lot and then I thought can't never could do anything...Keeping up so far? I'm not so there's no telling where else this may go. Funny how sometimes I'll be going through something, not having told anyone or just be thinking something and it seems I see something or someone says something that goes right along with what I'm thinking or going through. Today keeping with the can't theme for a bit longer I saw a painting/drawing of a bear holding a pencil marking something out. On the wall was written 'what if I can't' but the bear was marking out the t so it now said what if I can and I loved the quote the the artist wrote with it (by the way it was on the Facebook page for My Painted Bear, you should check out her page or website) but she had written: strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't. You are so much stronger than you think.... You also ever notice how the fears, lies and such get so very much louder and more intimidating the closer you get to where you are supposed to be even if that getting closer is just taking one step forward. Like you manage one step forward thinking oh that wasn't that bad I can do this and BAM!! out of no where here comes an army of lies and fears and junk that makes you want to tuck tail and run - figuratively cause I don't run in real life, thirty two years and some days I still can't quite get the walking thing. but what a shame one can't literally lose weight from the figurative running from things. So here's where I find myself, I feel all of my life has been nothing but being stuck on a carousal  of going in circles of the same fears, lies, etc. then the past year or so has been me trying so very much and failing oh so badly at trying to move forward and I have made a few steps forward but I've been figuratively running back more times then I can count but each time I feel like I'll start to run back and after a few steps I have a wait a minute what am I doing moment and stop and have a stare down with the walls and stuff keeping me from going forward. Some days I win and get that step forward, some days the fears, lies, etc. wins and either runs me back a few steps or at least stops me from going anywhere. In a way it gives me strength and hope because it has to mean that place where I'm trying my absolute best to get to must have an amazing view and something big is going to happen when I get there or it wouldn't be such a fight, would it?

So apparently quiet people can make people nervous, who knew? I'm just content in my little corner listening but I guess sometimes it can seem like I'm not listening or what you're saying isn't getting through to me. As I briefly wrote on a FB post I promise I am listening and am making notes to what you are saying. Now sometimes it's a struggle to listen because you wouldn't believe the battle that is going on in my head but still most of what you say is getting through and though it may take me a while to apply any advice given it is there and I'm fighting with everything in me to take the advice to heart and apply it. I'm not sure who said it but I read once that quiet people have the loudest minds. I'm not sure how true it is but I tell you some days I do wish I could find that mute button. But either way I don't mean to be rude in anyway if I ever come across that way.

I titled this 'Now, what?' and if I had to answer that I think today I choose to face these fears and lies and such even if it is with trembling knees even if it means today I get that step forward but tomorrow I get knocked down because I will get back up and face them again because though I may be quiet I've a feeling this quiet girl has an amazing journey if I just keep moving forward.

You must become unshakable in the belief that you that you are worthy of a big life ~ K Lohr

 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
Psalm 91:4

Life, eh?

We said together, wistfully, 'Life, eh?' It says everything without having to say anything: that we all experience moments of joyful or painful reflection, sometimes alone, sometimes sharing laughs and tears with others; that we all know and appreciate that however wonderful and precious life is, it can equally be a terribly confusing and mysterious beast. 'Life, eh?
-Is It Just Me by Miranda Hart (if you choose to read this book, and you should, nay you must read this book because it is hilarious)

Life - a joke I'm not sure I'll ever get and sometimes I feel like the punchline, or is today your turn to be the punchline...who knows? If you do can I have a hint, just a little one? No...okay, moving on. Wait, do you know which way we're supposed to turn? Oh dear I think I may be going in circles, now to find that button to stop this part of the ride and move on. In my driving adventures to see what I can find to take pictures of I generally just see a road and take it making several turns not always paying attention or thinking through said turns. This often results in me back tracking myself and ending up close to where I began which I jokingly think is a rather perfect analogy of how I find myself managing this ride called life. It's a peculiar ride isn't it? In real life I can't handle rides like roller coasters and such and sometimes I can't handle this life ride. Usually it is in these moments where I'm like nope I want off this ride, can't do it anymore, then life (I should say God cause I'm convinced they are God moments) brings someone to help in one or more of a variety of ways....oooh squirrel moment totally random thought but you know I always call life a ride and like a roller coaster has so many carts where people sit and throughout our life we'll have people get on the ride some only stay for a ride or two some longer. In my ride I'm cool with you riding along but I'm not the best at letting people sit in my cart with me. Don't judge, and I'm getting somewhat better about it...maybe, possibly...probably not but I'm trying so there's that. Actually a peculiar thing seems to be happening because be it good or not I am usually really good at keeping people at a distance (nothing against you, I have my reasons though, not important). However, it seems that barrier is slowly, albeit very slowly, it is disappearing. I'm still not quite sure how to feel about that but I suppose it's time to see what's on the other side of that barrier. (Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this? - Esther 4:14b) but enough about my ride. In general I guess it's important to appreciate those on your ride called life and know it's okay to let people even sit in your cart because everyone is on your ride for some reason. Some will stay for a long time some just a short while but they will make some kind of impact. And yes there will be some that get on your ride that will not be out to help you but they are there for a reason too just make sure you don't try to keep them on the ride longer then you should and don't forget to take a ride or two on your friends ride called life because as you read in the quote earlier (you didn't skip the quote did you, scroll back up and read the quote even if you read it, it's good enough to read again!) as wonderful and precious as life can be it can be terribly confusing and mysterious too. A much appreciated and heart felt thank you to those that have found their way on my ride and I hope I have been more help than hindrance to those I have been on your ride called life. Because I still ain't getting the joke! Life, eh?