Garden of Life

Have you ever been talking to someone and they give you a little nugget of advice and whether they intended for it to or not it hits on so very many levels? I had one of those moments the other day. To try to help this make a bit of sense I have been trying to learn pyrography, or wood burning, and I had said that if you could see the pieces in person that you could see mistakes that I have made on them. Then they said don't look for mistakes look at how far you've come (for the record if you are reading this, I owe you another hug for that). Because you see I tend to quite often get trapped and/or stuck in this fear and lie that causes me to focus on my mistakes and I forget to look at how far I have come. Forgive me because from here on it's probably going to go all over the place but you know that fear and lie that you have to be perfect, you have to do good works and earn people's friendships and for me I thought I had to earn God's love and forgiveness that I had to be a certain age and to do so many good things before God would even think about forgiving or loving me but a little more on that later on. Those lies and fears that get latched on and can suck the life out of you, literally, figuratively, spiritually, emotionally, physically and any other kind -lly there is. I recently got to see MercyMe in concert and Bart, the lead singer was talking about how he had grew up thinking he had to be and act certain ways and he had to keep doing works to earn God's love and that he had to be perfect and he talked about how he realized that was wrong and how in the past five years he has finally come to realize God loved him no matter what and kind of who God is and who he is to God. Distracted thought but have you ever been talking to someone, be it someone you've known for a long time or a stranger in the grocery store, and they just so happen to share part of their story or they add a little bit to a chapter of their story. I think that's so cool when people do that because you're getting a glimpse of who they are and maybe of what helped shape them into who they are. I've heard some  people's stories and I think no way, you went through that, I would've never guessed or the get out, you went through that too. To me no matter how big or little or important you may or may not think your story is if anyone ever shares any part of their story with me, I consider it an honor that you are willing to share because personally I struggle to be open enough to share any part of my story, to trust anyone with it so I'll listen wholeheartedly to anyone's story. Whether I've been through anything similar or not we can all always learn something from each other's story. But when He was talking about just now understanding who God is I could relate - there is a line from their song, Wishful Thinking, that says: Lord is it possible to get this far and just now understand who You are? I'm feeling foolish yet relieved as well  cause what I bought before, I just can’t sell...Because though I still am sometimes struggling with who God is and who I am to God in the past two or three years I have really started to understand that. I think I may have wrote this before but growing up because of certain circumstances and to some degree in my own way of thinking I was protecting myself I began to think and truly believe that God hated me, that I somehow kept doing things that was making God mad and that's why things kept happening and I thought I had to say and do things certain ways and I had to earn back God's love. I even had and to be honest still sometimes struggle with this fear that God will leave and forsake me.  I have a really weird way of understanding and sometimes even seeing things. Often I'll have random words and images pop in my head that somehow end up eventually making something I'm going through make a bit more sense. Over the years God has placed people in my life that have helped me also make my way through the thorns and vines of lies that had grown up. He also seems to use music and so many other things. One of them being the somewhat controversial movie The Shack. specifically when Mack meets Papa and He appears as a black woman and tells him I didn't think you could use a father figure right now. Some seem to have trouble with this but here's my take on it, not that it counts for anything but one God is so very many things that it would take a lifetime to even scratch the surface and there's not enough words in all of the languages combined to even remotely come close to explaining who He is. See growing up and a good chunck of my adult life I thought God was up there arms crossed disappointed in me at any moment going to turn His back and leave but now I'm getting that He loves me even when I mess up, he is comfort peace, joy, and so very much more. So when Papa shows up to Mack as a black woman that meant a lot to me because to me that represented protection, comfort, peace, and help. Even when Mack was sitting there and just being flat out honest with how he felt about certain circumstances that took place in His life, Papa didn't get mad and accuse Mack of all the things he didn't do or messed up on, he didn't walk away, He listened and ultimately explained and answered the accusations and questions Mack had. For me at least for some reason I have always been afraid to be honest with God and the times I was I was scared to death that I had messed up, well now God will never want to have anything to do with me again but it's the farthest thing from the truth. I saw a thing that stated don't rush things that need or take time to grow. I think people are like that. We somehow have this timetable of you're supposed to reach certain goals and things in life at or by a certain age. According to this timetable I am way off on every single thing and I am perfectly okay with that. Haven't always been because I look at it like a flower garden. Sometimes circumstances in life come along and delay the preparation of the ground, sometimes wrong seeds get planted and when they start growing you realize that is not what you wanted to plant so you got to dig it up and prepare the ground again and plant the right seed. Sometimes people and other circumstances come along just when the flowers are really growing and this is just going to be a beautiful garden and they walk all over the flowers and they seemingly completely and utterly destroy the garden. And sometimes at this point you just want to give up you may even sit down awhile and not work on the garden for some time it may even end up being so long that vines and thorns so taking over and when you do get back to working on the garden you got to face some things and dig up some things that will hurt, those thorns will cut and those vines will cause some blisters but you realize that those vines and thorns or fears, lies, hurts was never ever supposed to be a part of your garden and those cuts and blisters do truly heal. So you keep on keeping on and you replant the seeds. Sometimes you have a friend come along that helps you pull up the weeds, helps you water the flowers and will just sit with you to help you see how far the flowers have come along. Because there are times and that we think things aren't growing fast enough aren't happening at the right time and there are times that others not purposefully meaning anything by it I don't think but they will make it seem like you or your flower garden isn't growing or near what it should be. Which is why one should always be careful of who they let in to help and/or see their garden if you will. I'm slowly realizing that it's not how big your garden is or how fast it has grown that makes it something amazing to look at. Because when many people look at my garden they probably just see a mess but I see something that has seen a fair share of wrong seeds planted and taken root for a really long time,  where storms tried to completely destroy the garden and there are spots that still have some thorns and vines some spots where some seeds need to be planted but I am a bit hesitant and afraid to plant them, some areas where flowers are blooming and even some trees are taking root. It might not be growing as fast as I or even others like or think it should but my garden known as me as went through some stuff that was meant to destroy it but it's coming out better and for the flowers and trees left to grow, I'm not going to rush but will take the time to do what is needed to help them grow. And I won't look for any mistakes in my garden but focus on how far it has made it and continue to help do my part in making sure it grows and gets the right seeds planted all while also being very thankful and appreciative of the people that God has placed in my life to help me continue to grow.

Letters

It has been a while but this post is largely due to this book I got today, and have finished reading, called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. It has been awhile since I have read a book to spark an idea to write something here. To be honest it has been a while since I have really read little alone finished a book. Not for lack of trying but I just couldn't read and I do love to read. Then I found this book today (and four others, I don't lie when I say I can't go to bookstores without someone willing to say that's enough books time to go!).

Onto the book, it was one of those just caught my attention not sure why books. I read the summary, flipped through the pages and discovered the whole book was letters. A book and the whole thing is written like letters to and from various characters. It was quickly settled that book was going home with me and not back on the shelf.

Bit of a background it's set in mid forties just after then end of World War II and Juliet is writing letters to her publisher and a few other people then gets a letter from a man in Guernsey who happens to mention a society he belongs to. This begins correspondence between Dawsey and several people from the society and the Island. Juliet is an author (only my dream career, that and photography) and is my age and has naturally curly hair ( I laughed at this line from the book - Naturally curly hair is a curse, and don't ever let anyone tell you different...I have days where I wholeheartedly agree with that!). It's probably a weird habit to have but when I see letters written in books I always check the date if it's included just to see if it happens to be on my birthday because I just think it's really neat when that happens. Alas, close but no letter written on my birthday in this book.

I love letters, I think there is just something about getting a letter or card from someone. It's like a gift in and of itself. The person took time to sit and write a note or if it's a card took time to find that just right card and then add their own little note to it. And in this fast paced world I am thankful for text messages and FB messenger because that helps me keep in contact with people I don't get to see in person very often so I am not knocking those ways to keep in touch. You know what I noticed in the letters written in the book, how it is with letters written in real life and even in conversations - we all have a story and are more alike in ways than people seem to grasp. In the book someone would mention something that happened growing up or get talking a lot about a subject only to apologize for going on to long on that only for the person to reply with a story of how they did something similar growing up and to appreciate the person's enthusiasm on the subject. I think I like writing letters or sending messages for a couple of reasons: it allows me to say what I want without being interrupted and I can say far more than I may get the chance or time to in person and with dare I say a bit more honesty. I have the time to think of how to say what I want sometimes in talking in person I don't get that chance before the subject is already changed. For you really do have to have a lot of patience and be ready to say what a lot when I do get to talk. With the exception of those rare people that if it's just them and me I could talk a lot or sit with them in silence and still say a lot. I think sometimes in talking or reading we sometimes miss those little moments of something really important people are telling about themselves. I was reading a devotional today and it actually talked about that and they called it a heart-drop. I love that and the writer of this went on to say A heart-drop is when a person, either directly or in a cryptic way, gives you a peek into their heart. It may be through actual words, or you might pick up on a feeling, perhaps sadness or loneliness...God uses people to hear the cries of other people and respond with sincere love and care, to reach out and hearten another soul. If we will only learn to pay attention, to live alert...Hearing a heart-drop is an art we must lovingly cultivate. It can lead to the most wonderful times of encouragement as we make it our habit to listen and to love. (- from devotion 'How To Hear A Heart-Drop' on Proverbs 31 Ministries). Sometimes in the hustle and bustle we miss those heart drops but maybe a letter or card can be used as a way for someone to let a heart-drop be known and sometimes we can use a letter or card (or email) to encourage them. The cool thing about the letters is how strangers became friends and how friends stayed in touch even living a distance away from each other. I loved in one letter Juliet writes to her publisher about the people of the society saying in part how she wants to be adopted by one of the women in the group and how she wants to adopt another. Which I also think is cool in real life how people just get placed in your life at the right time and all. Those people that just take you under their wings and help in more ways than I think they may ever realize and then those people that you just want to take under your wings and protect them and help them and just be around like those people you do want to just say will you adopt me?! I just love this story and the characters. I love how it reminded me how we can learn so much from people and how much we can mean to them by just taking the time to listen, remembering that little detail that we thought no one was paying attention to when we was talking (or writing) about. That moment of oh wow you listened and you just want to hug them because it just means that much. Lastly, does anyone know how to get to Guernsey?!

One last quote from the book:

That's what I love about reading: one tiny thing will interest you in a book, and that tiny thing will lead you onto another book, and another bit there will lead you into a third book

Knocked Down but Not Knocked Out

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven.... - Ecclesiastes 3:1

Kind of a fitting verse since we're less than two weeks away from spring to which I say, thank God, I am so ready to see the colors of the leaves back on the trees and the flowers and the pretty days to go walking in the woods lost in the sounds of the birds and animals. I like to think part of those sounds are them saying, 'Whoo! We made it through the winter. We survived.' No matter how mild or severe the weather may have been that winter. And I think that applies to the seasons we go through in life. I don't know about you but some seasons though I know it is mild and will pass I really have my moments of doubt that I will make it. That's just those sneaky lies and fears talking. In my visual way of thinking and understanding things it's like I am walking down this hallway and it could start out okay, no obstacles and then suddenly all the doors open and people come rushing out of the rooms and crowd the hallway so that I can't see where I was heading and I can't get them to move out of my way so I can get where I want to go, where I am supposed to be. Those people are the lies and fears and the baggage that has never been mine to carry. I am trying to keep pressing through but they are pushing back. Now here's where I struggle in a lot of areas one and the biggest is that I try to do it all by myself. I can't. I have to learn to trust and lean on and rely on God and that it's also okay to ask others for help and let them help carry the load or in this case help push some of those people out of the way. Cause those people in that hallway, they are armed and ready for battle, they ain't playing. There is another area I need to work on cause I don't always check my armor to make sure it's still in good shape, I don't always even wear it. Sometimes I forget it, sometimes I think oh it's not that bad I got it I don't need to wear my armor. You'd think by now I would learn that is wrong. I am getting there and I am at the point where I am getting my armor back on and fixing the holes and places where I have let it get wore out. Now let me tell on myself a little bit, so recently I very much found myself in the middle of this hallway and I had gotten pushed down. And I was trying to pray my way through but I did start out a little better than I usually do in that I tried to reach out to someone but when they was willing to help I stupidly reverted back to listening to those lies and fears that was surrounding me in the hallway and tried to push people away. Not gonna lie I thought at one point I really had succeeded in pushing them away. Which worried me cause I didn't want that to happen. So I had a moment where, one of those where you have found just enough fight because you know trying to walk through this hallway it can wear you out and sometimes wear you out quickly. But I found just enough to have my shut up, just shut up and it quieted the voices just enough so I didn't have my breakdown at that moment and that I could still try not to dig the hole deeper but try to get out. It was also at this point that I realized if I didn't succeed in pushing them away I needed to talk. I needed help cause I had gotten knocked down, and it was a pretty hard push and the lies and fears was crowding in not leaving me any room to let me be able to get back up. That's how it felt anyway. You know it's kind of like the buddy system, I've overheard groups of kids or people and they will ask the kids have you got your buddy. As I always say, I go to and rely on God first but to be honest there are times where I may feel like my prayers aren't getting through, or I just find myself in that hallway overwhelmed and honestly I forget to pray. Here's my problem when things happen I shut down and I shut people out. That's the honest to goodness truth. But thankfully I am learning I can't do it alone and thankfully God is always there and He has placed people in my life that have seriously amazing patience and won't let me push them away and stick around to help me get through the hallway. Cause I really don't want to go back in the cocoon, I really do want to fly. But I said all that to get to this which is that for everything there is a season and a purpose. Just like even right now you can see signs of leaves coming back flowers breaking through the ground, the song of the birds. I love spring (autumn is a very, very close second) because spring to me means hope and reminds me every year that though it got cold, it was gray and bleak looking, the season passed and the beauty and life came back to the flowers and trees and every year it seems more beautiful and worth the wait. So I don't know how long the season may last for what you are going through I don't know how long it will take for me to get through this hallway but we'll make it, eh? I may have to reach out a lot to those that are willing to lend a hand to help me and remind me that God is there and they are there to help too. Because we may get knocked down and what knocked us down may think they have won but we're not knocked out, may feel close but we'll get back up. May be staggering for a bit getting my footing back up but I'm getting back up. I got some flying to do. And I am going to soar!

Just a-thinking and a-writing

I was reading a blog post from Billy Coffey the other day and there was a particular line that stuck out that essentially said that  life is just like every good story in that the beginning is important but the ending is everything. I really liked that cause I am not sure I really thought of it quite like that before. Putting it like that puts it in a whole new perspective. Sometimes, at least for my story, I let the beginning hinder a lot of my later chapters. Even knowing what I know now I wouldn't change any of the previous chapters even if it was possible. I am quickly approaching the end of my chapter 32 with roughly 57 days or pages left in this chapter. Now I don't know how many chapters are in my book or what is going to happen in any of those chapters. A couple or so years ago I read a post, ironically it was also from Billy Coffey and it was about this woman that was smiling at people as she walked down the street, adding money to a meter so someone wouldn't get a ticket, just a taking a minute to acknowledge those she passed. In that post he wrote about the impact she was making and essentially leaving on those people but she didn't had no clue because she didn't look back and see the smile that was still on the persons face or the look of bewilderment of wow someone I don't even know cared enough to say hello or no doubt the look of relief and possibly confusion from the person that thought for sure they was going to have a ticket from a meter that run out of time. And I still love that because apparently I have this weird fascination and amazement at how such simple things can make an impact on people and how that can help remind someone that they matter. I don't know why but that is such an important thing to me, that people know they matter. Earlier I wrote about the ending being everything and I think when you say that people automatically go to the ultimate ending where you take your last breath but there are also so many other endings, to seasons to chapters be it the ones where we grow another year older or a job or relationship, etc. Because even with those the beginnings are important but the ending to each of those is everything even when they may not end how we wanted because given enough time you can look back and see how those puzzle pieces worked to get to the piece you are on now or one you are on your way to. A bad chapter doesn't end a story or ruin it sometimes it leads to one of the best written chapters, one so amazingly amazing you would have never thought about writing it like that. And you know often times I think we meet people like that woman in passing that just says or smiles at us at the right time and sometimes, to steal a phrase that someone has told me, God knits people together. And I think both of those kinds of people are awesome. It's like God saying hey I see you are having a bad day let me put this stranger in your path to smile or say something to lift you up a bit and sometimes He sees you need a bit longer of a visit with people so he lets you meet and know people who become friends and so much more. Those people that even though I worry I talk way to much to and they get tired of me I am finally comfortable to talk to someone about stuff that I haven't ever really been able to talk to anyone about. Those people that remind you of things you forget, or put things in a perspective that you never would have seen, or just simply say I understand and I have my oh thank God finally someone gets it - no you should look at it like this or whatever just a simple I understand how you feel. Oftentimes my brain feels like it's going 100mph in a fog on a road that I'm not sure what kind of turn lies ahead. And ultimately it's up to me to get back up but sometimes it's needed and much appreciated to have those people that simply smile at you passing or sit with you or whatever the thing is that they may do but they take the time to do it or say it and help. Because there have been several times that in the beginning of my chapters and story in general I didn't think I was going to make it, sure didn't think I would make it this far, but here I am a few scars and a few, no a lot of stumbles along the way, but nonetheless here I am. You know I think chapter 32 may just be my favorite so far. Some may say why are you dating someone, get married, etc? Nope, none of those but I did finally start to find me, the me that has so long hid behind walls and behind lies of who I thought I was, who others say I am and what society said I should be. And I have some of the best people in my life who whether you know it or not have helped me in so many ways and helped me get up when I'm not even sure you knew I was down (well a couple of y'all know with your ninja skills and all even when I try to hide it). So as important as the beginning is to any story or chapter don't settle or think that's all there is because who knows what is on the next page or in the next chapter. The ending truly is everything and what is written in between the beginning and the end helps make sure that the ending is epic.

I'll never be a non-stumbler. I'll be a forgiven stumbler, but never a non-stumbler. - TobyMac