I know I said I wasn't going to do a year in review type post but it's been a pretty interesting year and those don't happen to often for me so I guess why not go ahead and write a little. Plus I just want to write. As usual part of this post is I guess inspired by a status I recently wrote on Facebook. To recap that, I recently had a memory pop up quite randomly of a teacher back in sixth grade who when practicing for an awards ceremony she came up to me and asked if I would do something for her at the ceremony and of course I panicked thinking I was in trouble but she said when you go to get your award will you walk with your head held up. I honestly couldn't tell if you if I really did walk with my head held up that day or not, I think it would be safe to say I at least tried my best to. Some twenty or so years later and I have had many times where I have literally and figuratively walked with my head down and I was also reminded to walk in a room with my head held up - that is quite difficult to do, just saying. And that all actually does have something to do with my year in review. The beginning of the year, well to be honest it was the same ol' same as far as my personal walk. I however early on had deemed 2016 the year of concerts because I was very fortunate to get to go to some of the best concerts ever this year and some dream concerts that I never, ever thought would happen. Kind of silly to have dream and never, ever thought would happen in the same sentence isn't it? I guess that's kind of how 2016 and so many other years honestly had started and usually ended for me. I'd start the year so hopeful and thinking this will be the year I move forward and I find out who I am and such but somewhere along the road I would get lost in that never, ever section. I am not one to make resolutions because I never complete them, kudos to those of you that do, but had a resolution at the beginning of this year one of them would be just to survive the year (!) but it would have been wanting to move forward. As I said the first half of the year, nothing to brag about personally, I actually found myself lost in my head and stuck in that never, ever section. But I remember several times praying and more honestly and sincerely than possibly ever just asking for help. And again as I say you don't meet anyone by accident and I think oftentimes God uses people and He places people in your life to help you and helps show you and remind you of just who God is. See I'm the worst at asking for help from God and people, I am great at listening to others and hopefully good at being there for them but reverse that and it's a big fail on my part. So the first half of 2016, awesome concerts (that continued throughout the whole year), some random road trips, just trudging along. Then comes the second half of the year. Have you ever prayed for something or just wanted something (if you ain't the praying type) so long and so much but you honestly begin to wonder if it will ever happen and dare I say you even wonder if God heard any of the prayers you said? I had one of those moments, well truthfully it is one of those things that has been carried over year after year. Now this may be one of those times people would be like see that's why I don't believe in God or whatever but even in that I have learned something because I think over the years I know God heard me and I think He was maturing me and getting me to the place I needed to be spiritually, emotionally and stuff and to ultimately meet the people I needed to. And I don't really know how or why it came about or why I sent whatever I wrote in a particular message the day I sent it. But I remember getting a reply not at all what I was expecting but they said they would meet with me and talk and try to help work through these things. Not gonna lie I had a major wait, what moment again and thought God are you really answering a prayer, you were really listening (of course He was, He always does). So I finally came to the right time for me to really truly have the opportunity to figure out how to take the time and work on me because I have neglected taking care of me and I've spent most of my life wearing masks and just going through the motions. But thank God that this last half of 2016 has found me tearing walls down, figuring out and accepting who I am (in God and because of God which has helped me figure out who I am in general), and I have just grown all the way around. Funny to say that I'm thirty two and saying I have grown but I hope to never stop growing and improving and always striving to be who I am. Because ultimately I think my story has helped prepare me for such a time as this and I'm not saying the last half of 2016 has been completely perfect. In fact, if I'm honest I just found myself lost in that never, ever section of my head but again thank God that He is always there and I can go to Him anytime and I have to thank Him for some people that He placed in my life that have been there to help remind me when I get to far in that forest of lies and God uses them to help me. So here's to all the walls that have been torn down, the lessons learned, the tears and laughter, to all the friends and people that have walked the journey through the year with me ( a most sincere thank you to each of you), and here's a big thank you to God for all you have done and continue to do. May yours and mine last couple of weeks of 2016 be good and I pray each of you all that read this have an amazing 2017. Can't wait to see what ramblings I get to write about next year.
But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You
intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to
this position so I could save the lives of many people.
-Genesis 50: 19-20 (NLT)
(I read this in a devotional earlier today and it just hit home a bit. When I get to heaven I want to meet Joseph, his story has helped me a great deal, more than I ever imagined how it could truthfully.)
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Friday, December 2, 2016
From Rejected to Accepted
So it's officially December which means it really finally is okay to get by with listening to Christmas music, watch the movies and cartoons and the like without getting to many looks that if possible would cause serious harm Hopefully this time of year is filled more with fun times and making traditions but it is also a difficult time that I think amplifies some feelings and things people deal with including loneliness, abandonment and rejection.I can't remember if I wrote about the book or not but earlier this year I found and read a book titled,Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst and I highly recommend it. That and several other things that has occurred this year has really helped me. Now I'm just typing cause I don't want to tell you what I'm still not sure I am supposed to write in these next few sentences. Like I'm feeling a bit nauseous, biting my fingernails (have had a bit of a slip up with that nervous habit), leg shaking kind of not wanting to type this. Deep breath and let's go....In the book Lysa Terkeurst in part writes about her dad leaving and not having a relationship with him and feeling rejected. And maybe it's just me but it seems quite difficult to find Christian based books that talk about a parent leaving, not even sure it's really talked about so this reading about this really helped. For my story it wasn't my dad that wasn't around it was my mom. I'll leave it at I did hear from her from time to time and I'm not playing the blame game, no hard feelings toward her and ultimately it happened for a reason it's all good. But with that I don't really know what it is to have a mom or those things that is done with mom's but thankfully I had my grandma and I always looked at her as my mom, always will really. That's not to take anything from my mom or meaning to be rude or disrespectful towards her. So I've dealt with the lies of feeling abandoned and rejected, again I am not laying blame on anyone because it's just lies. But if I continue to be honest I have also dealt with believing the lie that God hated me and I must have been a terrible person because of things that happened. Now that I have shared way more than I am comfortable sharing I told that little bit to get from there to the truth. As I always say everything happens for a reason and you meet everyone for a reason. I believe what I went through 1) was no fault of my own and ultimately it was the best thing that could have happened and 2) because of it I believe I will be able to help and/or encourage others that have went through similar situations. To be honest as recent as last year I still struggled with the abandonment and rejection and trying to keep people at a distance and the walls up. Here's why I think everything happens for a reason and you meet people for a reason (and if you read to the end there's a few more of those moments that have recently happened to me that I'll share). But last year at the church I go to there was a retreat thing and as I was sitting there listening I was also thinking I just needed to leave, I had the it's going to be late when you get home, you don't need to be here, you're not going to hear anything to help, etc. In the midst of just about to go ahead and leave I hear something along the lines of (they were talking about Joseph, coat of many colors Joseph), 'He grew up without a mom, didn't have a mom influence.' and I had a major boy I wish it was possible to ask if she said what I think she just said and then I thought well now I have to stay cause maybe they'll repeat that and I had a did he really, well I guess so I never thought of that, that's odd one never really thinks of that. Well God loved Joseph and he grew up without a mom so maybe, just maybe all this time I've believed a lie that God hated me. I'm doing a really bad job at making my point but my point is we all have felt rejected and maybe even abandoned by someone be it a parent, friend, loved one, significant other we've unfortunately at some point been there. And for me when I felt that sometimes it felt strongest during the holidays and there would be the lies that it was my fault, I'm a terrible person, I'm not worthy, etc. So if you are struggling with that as sound and true as what is going through your mind please know you did nothing wrong it's not your fault or even if you did it's okay because sometimes what we may think looks like rejection is actually the path to being accepted. Accepted for all and who we are, flaws and all. Accepted to a greater calling. In the book Uninvited Lysa TerKeurst writes this: To be set aside is to be rejected.To be set apart is to be given an assignment that requires preparation...For me that fateful April evening I think I got reminded of something and that is I am so much more of what happened to me. See sometimes if people find out certain things happen to you they label you, which I hate labels, but if we get that label we get stuck and thinking that's all we are all we'll ever be. And I think I did that with the labels of abandoned and rejected I thought that's who I was and all I would ever be. But that was just a chapter, part of my story. Because God didn't let anything happen, it wasn't cause He wasn't there ( because He was there or trust me I wouldn't be here) or because He didn't care or because He hated me. That was a lie that kept me stuck for so long on a chapter that wasn't even really mine to be in to begin with. No longer rejected I am now accepted. Accepted by everyone probably not, will I still face a time I am rejected by someone, possibly but I'll face that when and if it happens because right now I have walls that have been torn down and I know that I went from feeling rejected to without a doubt accepted (and forgiven) by God and He has placed people in my life that have helped me not saying I'm putting them on a pedestal or trying to have them take place of other people not at all. One they're human too and have their own things going on and such and I have no idea how long anyone in my life will be there but however long it is I'll forever be appreciative of what they have shown me and how they have helped me. So to end this part of what I'm writing I'll end with this part from the book Uninvited: "I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do. I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them. I lay down my desire to prove my worth. I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord. I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself. I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection. I lay all these things down with my broken boards and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes. And as I walk away, my soul feels safe. Held. And truly free to finally be me.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely
Now normally I write a post of my year in review but I think I'm going to combine it with this. Earlier I wrote how we meet everyone for a reason. This year strangers and oddly enough two Christian singers inadvertently have shown me so much. I've written about the two strangers I met while on vacation one being a little boy that very much made an impact when he told me that I shouldn't be walking alone and another being an elderly lady that is/was battling breast cancer and she still found the strength and courage to climb a lot of steps to the top of a lighthouse and even when she had to stop and rest she found something to laugh about and just be thankful for. Recently I was at a Logan's restaurant and was waiting on the bill when the server told me that the lady that was sitting in the booth in front of me actually paid for my bill. Dork that I am said, 'Get out!' and I got a bit teary eyed because that has never happened, definitely not a stranger paying for a meal and somewhere like Logan's. I felt bad cause I was like why would she spend that much money on a stranger and wished I could pay her back but if it was even possible I suppose that would be taking away from her blessing so I will try to pay it forward the best ways I know how. And speaking of paying it forward I think we sometimes think we have to pay it forward monetarily but I don't think we always do, sometimes just being there for someone, helping them in some way listening maybe, I think that can be paying it forward. Then in my many fortunate times of getting to go to concerts I was able to be reminded or hear actually on three occasions very encouraging things and twice specifically I heard talk of tearing walls down. So even though there are a few weeks left I am quite thankful for what all has happened this year, how I've gotten to be closer to some people, things I've let go of and things I've picked up that have long needed picked up and accepted. I'm thankful for the good and the bad and though I have no idea what the rest of 2016 or any of 2017 has in store I'm hoping for the best and will do my utmost to keep moving forward.
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis
― Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely
Now normally I write a post of my year in review but I think I'm going to combine it with this. Earlier I wrote how we meet everyone for a reason. This year strangers and oddly enough two Christian singers inadvertently have shown me so much. I've written about the two strangers I met while on vacation one being a little boy that very much made an impact when he told me that I shouldn't be walking alone and another being an elderly lady that is/was battling breast cancer and she still found the strength and courage to climb a lot of steps to the top of a lighthouse and even when she had to stop and rest she found something to laugh about and just be thankful for. Recently I was at a Logan's restaurant and was waiting on the bill when the server told me that the lady that was sitting in the booth in front of me actually paid for my bill. Dork that I am said, 'Get out!' and I got a bit teary eyed because that has never happened, definitely not a stranger paying for a meal and somewhere like Logan's. I felt bad cause I was like why would she spend that much money on a stranger and wished I could pay her back but if it was even possible I suppose that would be taking away from her blessing so I will try to pay it forward the best ways I know how. And speaking of paying it forward I think we sometimes think we have to pay it forward monetarily but I don't think we always do, sometimes just being there for someone, helping them in some way listening maybe, I think that can be paying it forward. Then in my many fortunate times of getting to go to concerts I was able to be reminded or hear actually on three occasions very encouraging things and twice specifically I heard talk of tearing walls down. So even though there are a few weeks left I am quite thankful for what all has happened this year, how I've gotten to be closer to some people, things I've let go of and things I've picked up that have long needed picked up and accepted. I'm thankful for the good and the bad and though I have no idea what the rest of 2016 or any of 2017 has in store I'm hoping for the best and will do my utmost to keep moving forward.
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Courage, dear heart
It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no
one understood them...But no one except Lucy
knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, “Courage, dear heart,” and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan’s, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis
Isn't it amazing how one simple word can just give you that simple push to keep going, literally it can just be one word or sometimes like in the above quote it can be part of a bunch of words and all of it together also can give you that push to keep going or to get up after a sit down or a trip or a fall even a fail. If you read my previous post you know I had a sit down as I like to call it, or set back but during those times I kept seeing some words and such that encouraged me. One of those words was courage. Cause as I stated somewhat in the last post sometimes in life you find yourself surrounded by walls of lies and fears and doubts and it feels like the light is quickly fading like it does on a winter day. I'm learning something or being reminded of it but even in the midst of those times there somehow, some way always seems to be a beacon of hope, be it in a word that seems to show up everywhere you look or someone sending a text, email or just telling you in person something that is the exact thing that you needed reminding of or that you needed to hang on to the truth, to the light. Can I be honest with you? Sometimes during these times that it gets a bit dark I sometimes wonder where God is, now before you do *gasp* I would never how dare someone say that and you say you are a Christian. I know God is always there and He'll never leave nor forsake me but sometimes it's hard to hear or remember those truths or keep a firm grasp on them. In these times I hang on for dear life though and always without fail, it may take longer than I like or it may feel like forever, but always there will come a time when someone will say something or just be there to encourage or even just be like look it's time you get your butt up (because sometimes tough love is what you need too). So in my recent time of Lord help me not to give up some themes seemed to be popping up everywhere. Most of them had to do with courage. I'll list them all at the end that kept showing up, maybe they'll help you too but right now I have to share one that showed up on my FB yesterday because you know how I said sometimes God seems far away and I wonder are you there, am I bothering God, does He care about a little problem such as mine when so much else is going on....well this verse showed up and I think it answered those questions:
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Now to continue with the courage thing, I'm a quiet person even when I do talk, and I can talk you just got to pick the right subjects, but when I do talk there's going to be several times you have to say what. With that I sometimes think I get stuck in because I'm quiet and sometimes timid and such that I don't really have any courage and not really much I can do. Kind of a who am I type thing. Had a fairly big epiphany about that earlier this morning. A lot of times I think we get stuck in how many times we roar and even how loud we roar and if you're like me and not good at either one of those well you think you are the cowardly lion. You know the cool thing about the cowardly lion, his legs may have been shaking his roar might have even been a bit shaky and not quite as loud and impressive as one thought it should be but he faced many of his fears. I love this quote from The Wizard of Oz:
Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it!
See even though he was scared and shaking and even said talk me out of it he had the courage to do it twitching tail and shaky legs and all. See my a-ha! moment this morning was we think courage is having the most and loudest roar and standing on firm ground without an ounce of shaking in the legs or an ounce of fear. But I think courage is saying alright I'll go, I'll face this and when you stand it might take a minute to get your footing and during the whole time you still might have some shakiness in your legs but your standing. When you go to roar it might come out weak, you might have to clear your throat and might even have to say it again but you have a voice and you're using it. And sometimes we're like Lucy and we hear that small voice that says, Courage, dear heart that little voice that says you aren't alone, most importantly I got you and along the way I've got some people that will be there to help remind you of this too. So today if you feel like the cowardly lion or just think your roar is to weak to make a difference to even be heard can I just say, Courage, dear heart.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”
And lastly this is a quote/poem that I stumble across from time to time and I just really love it (me and my obsession with quotes and all) but I think it says so much and is just really encouraging.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.
Unknown
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis
Isn't it amazing how one simple word can just give you that simple push to keep going, literally it can just be one word or sometimes like in the above quote it can be part of a bunch of words and all of it together also can give you that push to keep going or to get up after a sit down or a trip or a fall even a fail. If you read my previous post you know I had a sit down as I like to call it, or set back but during those times I kept seeing some words and such that encouraged me. One of those words was courage. Cause as I stated somewhat in the last post sometimes in life you find yourself surrounded by walls of lies and fears and doubts and it feels like the light is quickly fading like it does on a winter day. I'm learning something or being reminded of it but even in the midst of those times there somehow, some way always seems to be a beacon of hope, be it in a word that seems to show up everywhere you look or someone sending a text, email or just telling you in person something that is the exact thing that you needed reminding of or that you needed to hang on to the truth, to the light. Can I be honest with you? Sometimes during these times that it gets a bit dark I sometimes wonder where God is, now before you do *gasp* I would never how dare someone say that and you say you are a Christian. I know God is always there and He'll never leave nor forsake me but sometimes it's hard to hear or remember those truths or keep a firm grasp on them. In these times I hang on for dear life though and always without fail, it may take longer than I like or it may feel like forever, but always there will come a time when someone will say something or just be there to encourage or even just be like look it's time you get your butt up (because sometimes tough love is what you need too). So in my recent time of Lord help me not to give up some themes seemed to be popping up everywhere. Most of them had to do with courage. I'll list them all at the end that kept showing up, maybe they'll help you too but right now I have to share one that showed up on my FB yesterday because you know how I said sometimes God seems far away and I wonder are you there, am I bothering God, does He care about a little problem such as mine when so much else is going on....well this verse showed up and I think it answered those questions:
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Now to continue with the courage thing, I'm a quiet person even when I do talk, and I can talk you just got to pick the right subjects, but when I do talk there's going to be several times you have to say what. With that I sometimes think I get stuck in because I'm quiet and sometimes timid and such that I don't really have any courage and not really much I can do. Kind of a who am I type thing. Had a fairly big epiphany about that earlier this morning. A lot of times I think we get stuck in how many times we roar and even how loud we roar and if you're like me and not good at either one of those well you think you are the cowardly lion. You know the cool thing about the cowardly lion, his legs may have been shaking his roar might have even been a bit shaky and not quite as loud and impressive as one thought it should be but he faced many of his fears. I love this quote from The Wizard of Oz:
Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it!
See even though he was scared and shaking and even said talk me out of it he had the courage to do it twitching tail and shaky legs and all. See my a-ha! moment this morning was we think courage is having the most and loudest roar and standing on firm ground without an ounce of shaking in the legs or an ounce of fear. But I think courage is saying alright I'll go, I'll face this and when you stand it might take a minute to get your footing and during the whole time you still might have some shakiness in your legs but your standing. When you go to roar it might come out weak, you might have to clear your throat and might even have to say it again but you have a voice and you're using it. And sometimes we're like Lucy and we hear that small voice that says, Courage, dear heart that little voice that says you aren't alone, most importantly I got you and along the way I've got some people that will be there to help remind you of this too. So today if you feel like the cowardly lion or just think your roar is to weak to make a difference to even be heard can I just say, Courage, dear heart.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”
And lastly this is a quote/poem that I stumble across from time to time and I just really love it (me and my obsession with quotes and all) but I think it says so much and is just really encouraging.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.
Unknown
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