I'm Not Who I Was

This post is brought to you by the song I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath (probably some more songs before I finish writing but mainly this one). I know and apologize to those that personally know me because I don't make it easy to know me or to know things about me. Music is a way for me to use to help people know a little more about me in an odd way. The song I'm Not Who I Was has meant a lot to me from the very first time I heard it and can I just tell you I have come a long way from that moment so now it means even more to me. I believe it was early last year I got to go to a concert and see Third Day with Brandon Heath. Brandon sang this song and he gave the story behind it (I may have written about this before but in case I haven't or just as a refresher I'll tell it - possibly telling it again). So the story was that his parents divorced and his dad remarried and later on his stepmom left too and at some point in his life he wrote this song about that moment in his life. So this song holds a lot of meaning to me, I can listen to it and think of how I can relate in feeling that way towards someone and I'm not who I was in that situation anymore - thank God. I'm also just not who I was in general and again thank God. Do you ever feel like you are playing a game of dodge ball with life and sometimes life hits you good with a scenario that knocks you. Life's rules of dodge ball are a bit different in that you are still in the game when you get hit but life doesn't always play fair and keeps throwing the balls if you will to try to persuade you to not try to get back up. I'm not who I was in that I have also figured out that I can fight back and though I may be pretty much mostly known as that quiet girl I have more to contribute to my little bitty part in my little bitty section of this world and the stories I am in and my own narrative.

There is a line from that song that states: 'When the pain came back again like a bitter friend it was all that I could do to keep myself from blaming you...Now I'm not who I was I write about love and such. Maybe 'cause I want it so much. I'm not who I was. I was thinking maybe I -I should let you know that I am not the same.' Forgive me cause I'm going to be jumping all over the place and probably not making much sense. But can I tell you something that I seem to really be understanding and getting and I don't know why it's suddenly happening but I have spent most of my life (from the time I was six until now at the good ol' age of 33) thinking I was damaged and that these scars well I've been trying to hide my scars - these scars have made me who I am these scars don't make me damaged they just add a bit more to my story. There is a song by Casting Crowns called Loving My Jesus and there is lines from that song that states: Showing my scars Telling my story of how mercy can reach you where you are. And I pray the whole world hears the cry of my heart is to see all the ones I love loving my Jesus. Sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside 'cause no one will understand...' See I think we often all at some point for some amount of time put on a mask - and that falls for people of all races, gender, age, religion, etc. I recently had a conversation with someone and knowingly or not they hit the bulls eye on some of the things I have been struggling with again and they helped me be able to take the mask off and to help remind me of the truth because the fears and lies were sneaking back in. Sometimes it's not always the bitterness that tries to sneak back in - maybe your situation doesn't even really involve a bitterness of any kind but sometimes those fears and lies come back. And I can honestly say there is no bitterness on my part for anything but I will also honestly say that some of the fears and lies that have plagued me try to weasel their way back in sometimes. Well I'll just tell you how it has been here lately and first I will say I have no idea what has happened but I have made huge steps and the past three or so weeks it's as if some blinders have been taken off and I am seeing for the first time. You know what it is kind of like before I started sixth grade I had to get glasses and I knew that things were blurry and I wasn't seeing things like they were meant to be seen but I didn't realize how much I was missing until I put those glasses on and suddenly so much was so very clear. I was going around reading signs from a distance I probably wouldn't have even seen there was something written on it before. I kind of feel like that now, that I am seeing stuff that I was meant to see and understand for so long and I am just now finally getting it and able to read it.... to accept it. In part of the conversation I brought up a couple of people and what they mean to me and in particular I had stated how I call one of them mom and though I didn't say this part I often struggle with if that was/is okay and some other stuff I'll get to in a moment but when I said that I called them mom the person said something that really helped and that was that it was okay because God knows the people that we need in our lives and they shared some of their story. But it helped so much to be reminded how no matter how old we may be or the situation that it is okay and that we will have those people that are like a parent or a sibling or whatever that we need. In part of the conversation I had said how I struggled with accepting that this person could and would see me as their daughter and actually I struggle with even accepting love and that I deserve to have those kinds of people in my life and the person said yeah because you feel damaged and that is true. I've been going about seeing my scars in the wrong way. See I thought, still sometimes struggle with, thinking that those scars make me damaged goods. Have you ever been to the store and saw something be it food or recently I bought a USB cord for I think $5 cheaper because the box was damaged but there was nothing wrong with the USB cord. Or maybe if you buy that box of food for a little cheaper there was nothing wrong with the food just the box was a little damaged but it still served its purpose. Sometimes people are like those boxes. See what we see on the outside may look damaged and more often than not what is damaged is on the inside but we hide it with masks and if you are like me keeping people at a distance and such. That damage, those scars that for whatever reason we can fall in the trap of thinking that it makes us unworthy or undeserving or unable well that is all lies. Those scars are just part of your story. They don't define who you are, they just add to it, you know many of our scars we think ruin our story, they make us less than but that is so wrong. I still am not the best at letting people see my scars  - telling what I have told in the past few posts on here is huge for me - but I am trying to look at it like this and that my scars are proof that I am way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and it proves to me that God has my back and all this time has watched out for me. Though I may be or have been damaged I am still worthy and so are you. I don't know if anyone will read this and if you are I may have talked to you and know your story or maybe we have never met but I can say this no matter what your scars may be from and how damaged you may think you are and you'll never be perfect - well we won't be perfect so I don't know about you but big sigh of relief I can quit trying to live up to that standard but your scars make you beautiful and remind you and can help others know they can make it through their own storms that have caused scars perhaps similar to yours. You know when that person was talking to me yesterday I am not sure I knew one part of her story that she shared with me and it helped to hear someone say they struggled with feeling a certain way because of this situation. Never belittle yourself, period but never think your story doesn't matter or is to damaged or whatever to make a difference. Even if you have went through something I have never had to deal with just hearing your story will still make an impact and help. Because who knows maybe even on down the road I will go through something similar and I will think oh wait so and so went through something like this hey maybe I need to go talk to them or maybe I will remember something you said while telling me your story of what you did to help get through the storm. Wounds don't always heal over night and that's okay sometimes it can take years for wounds of things we have went through to even start to heal. Don't fall in the trap that you have to put on the mask and act like you are okay or healed from a wound because it has been x amount of time and you should be over that by now. We all heal at a different pace. You know I could get a cut on my arm and you could get the same length and depth of cut on your arm and your wound may heal over in a day with no scar or anything whereas mine may take a few days and leave a scar. But we're both healed now it just that it took my wound a little longer to heal. Are all of my wounds healed perfectly - no I mean I do still have scars but again those scars are just a reminder that I made it through, didn't make it through unscathed but I made it through. You know I think I need to point this out because I don't want it to seem like I don't have bad days or that I don't have struggles - I have just made huge steps forward. See I do still very much struggle with letting people in and not keeping them at a distance. In fact, I will tell on myself I have made huge steps in letting people in and accepting that yup God did send these people to fill in and be like such and such in my life. But you know what, just today even I had a major fear that those people would leave and that I needed to not get any closer and not let them any closer because something is going to happen and their not going to be in my life that much I won't get to see them or spend time with them and just don't get any closer. I had to remind myself of a couple of things one something they told me and then I tried to remind myself that all of that very well may be true but I need to focus on the now and I don't want to miss out on any opportunity I have now to be with them to spend time or talk with them in any capacity. Because keeping people at a distance just leaves me alone and I want to be with those that God knows I need to spend time with and that will be there for me. And you know what I think it's time for this quiet girl to fly, it's time for me to sing my song and to accept what I am deserving of.  How about you? Maybe we have to help each other remember that though we have scars it doesn't disqualify us, I'll be honest with you I think it makes us that much more qualified. You know some days it's easy to fly and some days it's not so easy to fly - I watched a bird flying the other day and the wind was catching under its wings and trying to knock it off course but the bird kept maneuvering and it kept flight and was able to get where it wanted to. It may not always be an easy flight and some days we have to find a tree branch to sit on and rest and some days we can keep flight it just takes a little longer to get to our destination. Some days or just bad days and you need that friend, that person that you can go to and talk to and they can remind you to focus on the good and don't worry be happy or just to be there. Am I where I want to be - no but thank God I'm not who I was. I daresay I think I am becoming who I am meant to be.