Hold On Tight

I don't want to write this. I don't want anyone to read this but I have to write this and perhaps someone needs to read it. I'm not even sure exactly how this is going to end up written but I think I am about to be more vulnerable than I am comfortable with. Shall we see far out of my comfort zone I do get with this?

I have always dreamed of being able to get close to a tiger cub, if you don't know tigers are my favorite animal, and I always thought it would be cool to hold a tiger but never thought I would get to. I, however, recently got to mark that off my bucket list and it was everything I dreamed it would be. This post isn't about whether you agree or disagree with facilities like this - you are entitled to however you believe on that (I will say all of the animals were very well taken care of and in a facility that was well maintained,  probably the best I have ever seen.). I will say that I think it is a very educational thing and positive thing to have. That's all of my opinion I will give. Now on to what I really want to say. I am one to get very random thoughts in situations and things I see. This experience was no different. Remember these two things cause I'm going to hit on them throughout this. The first was when the tiger cubs were in the room and someone stood up in the middle of the room they told the person you can stand but you have to stand against the wall. The second is at the end you could get your picture taken with any of the animals you saw. I got a picture taken with a Bengal tiger when she handed the tiger cub to me she said you have to hold him, you have to hold on to him tight. Got those two - standing with your back against the wall and hold on tight. Remember those cause I am about to have a squirrel moment and we're going to another thing.

We all have stories and in those stories we have things and sometimes even people that we can't be around less it triggers fears and doubts and causes us to retreat back behind the walls that we have tried so hard to tear down. Y'all have no idea how much I don't want to write this. I don't like for people to know I am struggling cause I feel like people will think I am trying to get attention or at the very least it seems to draw attention to me and I don't like that. But I have to write this. So this past week has been full blown trigger week. I'm not going into detail on a lot of it but the first one started last week and that one doesn't matter but it started the fears of people leaving or not being there, with this person I have never met them, they are kin to me but we never got the chance to meet or talk until recently and we've kind of gotten the chance to text back and forth. So that was trigger one of the week and starts the fears. Now I'm not anti social networks by no means that is the only way I have to contact several people. Trigger number two was seeing some things on Facebook - from pages that I follow just so no one thinks it was a friend. Those memes and articles that triggered the lies and fears of I am unworthy, I bother people, no one loves me they just tolerate me, etc. I'm about to have another trigger just writing this! Then there was some old lies and fears that was climbing out and showing their faces. Now this next one isn't against anyone and I know what was said wasn't even thought or meant to be a trigger to those fears and lies. Which also has got me thinking and wondering how many times I have said or done something and unintentionally and potentially never realizing that I caused  a trigger to someone and hurt them. Can I say right now I am most sincerely sorry if I ever have, I would never ever intentionally cause any kind of hurt or harm to anyone. You know sometimes we say stuff and sometimes we say stuff to try to help and it has the opposite effect. But someone said something and again they didn't mean anything by it was never their intention for it to cause the trigger that it did and I hope they never find out or know cause it doesn't need to be known. But that triggered the fears and lies and added to what was already building of people leaving, things changing (which is life and I know change isn't always bad, if/when it does happen) and I caught myself building the wall back up. See I know I keep people at a distance and have hopefully gotten better at that but when the fears and lies attack like they have been I don't know how to handle it and the only thing that has ever made sense and 'helped' (cause it really doesn't help and I know it doesn't) is to build the wall up. You know you think walls protect you from the elements, shield you from the rain and wind and heat of the day but the walls I build up to keep people out they don't protect me, they actually in turn cause more damage. I am a quiet person in that when I talk the volume of my voice isn't very loud but I also am a very private person and am probably really difficult to get to know. I prefer listening and learning about others, I feel I am not that important or have much to offer. I also just don't talk that much - except for a couple or so people that I seem to talk to a lot even though one said that they have to work and pull things out of me (it's true, if I am in the moments like I am now, you have to have serious patience for me to be able to talk and I will ultimately just say it's nothing I'm good) and to those two people I promise I am trying not to talk to you all as much and tell you so much....but can I also say that as I write that I am reminded of a couple of things. You know a predator will isolate it's prey (generally in the animal kingdom it goes for the weakest most vulnerable too but I want to say if you are being attacked or going through something I think it's the opposite it's because you very much matter and you have so much to offer that these attacks try to isolate you to keep you from seeing that you are a warrior and a game changer). And I think that is one of the most powerful ways for a person to be attacked - to isolate them and to make them feel alone - which you can feel even when you are in a room full of people. If we feel alone and isolated it's like it causes an avalanche, suddenly we feel vulnerable we feel unworthy, unloved, that we don't matter, etc. One of my favorite stories and people from the bible is Joseph and in the past couple of years his story has and continues to encourage and help me. And I was thinking today how he went from the pit to the palace to prison and probably spent several of those years wondering if he would be remembered and brought out of the prison but he was and he was brought back to the palace and was someone of great importance and helped many. In the times he was in prison for something he didn't even do it became a time that he was actually planted and grew and it even prepared him for when he got back to the palace. But as I was writing that about not talking so much I was also reminded of how people are placed in our lives to steal the phrase I have wrote on here before and was told to me God knits people into our lives and those are our home team, that is there to help us any time of day or night, to encourage us, to laugh with us and to help us out of the pit back into the palace, to help us and to just make this ride a little bit more fun and tolerable. Those people that can help keep the predator away and keep you from feeling or being isolated and alone. And if I'm honest one of my biggest struggles is feeling alone and in turn I start to isolate myself - no for the record my personality and just who I am is one that I could disappear for a long time and just not really talk or whatever, that's just who I am, it's not that no one has done anything I don't even think I realize I am doing it. But back to those people - the ones that whatever chapter they show up in they are meant to be there for the remaining chapters. So I guess I'm saying I know I'm weird and difficult to probably put up with to even get to know  - it's not done on purpose to test or anything I probably don't even realize I am doing it, I am very bad about living in my own little world and I quite often get lost in there.

Now to get back to those two random thoughts I had while visiting with the tiger cubs. When we was in the room telling the person to stand against the wall was a safety measure but in life sometimes things comes against us and pushes us against the wall. All those things that have piled up and dug up some fears and lies and added some new ones have me against the wall and it makes you feel trapped and hopeless. I have this shirt, I call it my preaching shirt because I have got comments on it in Indiana, Arizona and Kentucky all of them saying they love the message on the shirt. What does the shirt say? Glad you asked. It says Hope is the Message We are the Messengers. That shirt reminds me that we all have days that we lose hope, we misplace it and thank God for those people that whether they know it or not are messengers to help us find that hope again, maybe to find the faith we lost or find it for the first time. Things are going to happen and sometimes those things will push you up against the wall - or in my case sitting in a fetal position with the walls starting to build back up. Now I know I will get through this and those walls aren't staying up, I've worked to hard and went through to much to build them back up. The second thing, when the woman handed me the tiger to hold while the other woman (who made the comment on my shirt) took my picture she said you've got to hold him, you've got to hold on to him tight. Okay, no problem, I'm holding a tiger cub - I want to hug him and name him George lol (I hate having my picture taken but that day I didn't care and I had the biggest cheesiest grin on my face. I was so stinking happy). At one point when I was holding him the tiger roared, which was cute, scary and intimidating all at once. When she said you got to hold him tight it reminded of how sometimes when we're having a bad day we have to hold on tight to those truths and even hold on to those people that are there for us - and I do hope anyone that reads this you have at least one person like that (it ain't about having a lot of people like that just having the true sincere people that got your back). I had to hold tight to the tiger so he didn't get down and start exploring and when I'm against the wall, in a storm, just having a rough day I have to hold on to the truth that this will pass, I will make it, I am an overcomer. I will grow from this, it might hurt and it might not be fun, might last longer than I want it to but I will grow and I will make it. The other thing that kind of just came to mind was when the tiger roared. Sometimes when we're in a battle our battle cry might sound like that little tiger and you think aww and it doesn't really intimidate or scare your enemy but don't let you that make you stop you roar because what the enemy doesn't want you to know is that the first roar did scare him but he's trying to make you think you ain't going to win that your roar isn't causing any damage trying to make you stop to get you hide behind the walls. Roar, I don't care how quiet you are or how loud you are, roar and you keep roaring. You keep taking those steps, you keep telling yourself those truths that you matter that you will make this that you are unfinished but you are still here and you are gonna fly cause you have something to offer this world. It doesn't matter how shaky your voice is, doesn't matter how bad your knees are knocking you got this and I so very much believe in you. Don't kick yourself while your down cause you are struggling or are having a bad day, that's okay, we all do, just don't unpack there and stay cause you don't deserve that.

I think I will end this with a couple of lines from a song I heard today called I'll Find You by Lecrae and in it it states: But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together. I'm smilin' in everyone's face I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room...No don't let the fear make you feel like you can't fight this on your own
You know I, I'll be there for you no matter where you go. You'll never be alone, no. Just fight a little longer my friend it's all worth it in the end

So as I am in this prison or pit I will keep fighting and appreciate those that stick around and are there for me during these times because I'm not staying in this prison I'm going to the palace. And I will grow and I will fly. A bad day might knock me down and keep me out for longer than I want it to but it ain't knocking me out, I will get back. I might have a scar or two but those just prove that I am a survivor. So I will hold on tight and know that I am going to make it.