Knock - Knock
(shhh...don't say who's there. I just took a peak out the window and it's our old friend fear again.)
Knock-Knock
(maybe if I answer and tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore he will go away...no don't open the door he gets a foot in the door he will come back in and stay for way to long.)
Knock-Knock - from the other side I hear - "You'll never get rid of me, you're nothing without me, what will people think if they knew who you really were..."
(Shut up, just shut up, I whisper as I sit with my back against the door wondering will I ever get rid of fear, trying to remember the truths that I know)
Sometimes that how it feels like when I have one of visits from fear. I don't like when fear comes for a visit. I try not to answer the door anymore but sometimes it finds its way back inside. It has recently. I finally got to buy NF's latest record, Perception and I'd like to use some lines from his Intro 3 to write some thoughts that I have had. First and foremost fear is a liar - one of those you wish that saying liar, liar pants on fire could happen to. It took me way to long to get that and I've spent the last year working and trying very hard to fight and defeat that lie and I have but it likes to come back and try to visit sometimes. So if you're not familiar with NF on his last record he had a song called Mansion and on it he talked about building a room to keep everyone out cause it was safer that way and how fear moved in and there is a line that states: Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors. Is that me or the fear talking? I don't know anymore...I learned in the past year that it's fear talking and telling you don't open the door it's locked and it's safer on this side of the door, if people find out what has been in this room they'll never accept you, don't open that door there's a monster on the other side of that door you can't face it. I got help opening that door and I realized it was fear talking, there wasn't anything bad or scary on the other side of that door, in fact there was some people that was willing to help me and they even accepted me. Now fast forward to last night listening to Perception CD for the first time and usually I will skip a song after about thirty seconds to a minute and then go back and listen to all of the songs (habit I do when I get a new CD, not sure why) but that didn't happen when Intro 3 started playing. So in the song it's basically a conversation between fear and NF and fear is just doing what fear does best beating you down and keeping you down and in that room that it has made you believe is safe. There is a part where fear is talking and it says I know I'm controlling but you are just going to have to get used to it cause I got a room and I'm comfortable I'm not going anywhere and you can't get rid of me, not completely, not ever. And for me that is one thing that has been the hardest to get rid of is that part of the fear that says you never will completely be rid of me, you're nothing without me, you will never be completely rid of me. So fear is just pounding him - you know what fear reminds me of - Goliath, ever read the story of David and Goliath in the Bible (if not you should, I keep finding stuff I never noticed before each time I read it also would recommend reading the story of Joseph, I keep getting taught stuff from his story too). So yeah, fear is this thing that likes to run its mouth to try to keep you scared and from seeing who you really are and your potential, tries to keep in your tent in the campground like what was happening in the story of David and Goliath. Now in the song they've taken this fight outside still going back and forth and a hole is being dug and fear says Wait a minute, you don't really think for a second that you're puttin' me in this? And NF responds back with No, of course not, just a lil' deeper then we'll go inside and we can stop diggin' So Fear gives a sigh of relief and says You had me scared for a second, I though we were diggin' my grave....Now we're getting ready to talk about my two favorite parts of this song and this subject - if you have had enough patience to read this far it's about to pay off - I hope - it did for me anyway when I realized some things.
Okay so fear has got a little bit nervous, right, we're fighting back we're starting to see that he is a controlling, pushing, lying nuisance. So we've been digging and figuring out ways to defeat him. So in the song fear has just said he's scared cause he thought NF was digging fears grave and NF says: We did, what, you don't like bein' afraid? It's a dose of your own medicine. What, you don't like how it tastes? And he goes on to say putting the shovel away going back in his house and fear will be back in a week saying he wants his room back and he will just look out the window and laugh. Now for the line that started this whole thing to begin with...
'Cause I thought you had me in prison this whole time, but I'm the one holdin' the keys.
One line can hold so very much truth. See here's what I am figuring out, myself and so many others we're in this prison that fear has us believing we can't get out of or we shouldn't get out of because it's safer in here and he's distracting us from seeing that we have the keys to get out, he's distracting us from seeing the real state of the room we are in. I don't know about yours but mine was a mess and it was lonely. If you ever watched The Andy Griffith Show you know when Otis had a bit to much to drink or as I think he said just needed to get away from his wife he'd show up at the sheriff's office and what would he do - get the keys that was hanging in between the two cells, unlock his cell, walk in and shut the door and reach through and hang the keys back up on the wall. The next day or however long he decided to stay when he was ready to leave or when he wanted to grab a bite of food that Aunt Bea brought in what would he do? Reach through grab the keys off the wall and unlock the door and let himself out. But Otis knew he had the keys, he knew they were right there he could come and go as he pleased. Otis didn't see the jail cell as a prison. So it got me thinking - again. Sometimes you just got to look at things like Otis (minus the drinking part - for me anyway). See fear is good at running its mouth and keeping you distracted cause it's like that bully, it's more scared of you than you have a reason to be of it. I've dealt with lots of different kinds of fears growing up and I've dealt with a couple different ones since I was a kid, ones that caused me to build that room and make my own prison. In part I didn't even realize it was a prison and I never thought I could get out of it until about a year ago. Now I've got out of that prison but sometimes like Otis I go back in but unlike Otis sometimes I stay to long and the fear distracts me and makes me forget that I have the keys so I get back in those old fears and they try to take me back to where I used to be but I'm not going back there. Sometimes, fear follows me out of the cell I think and I get afraid and unsure when I get out of my comfort zone, what is this, I don't understand what is going on this doesn't feel safe, so fear whispers go back to that room, go back to your comfort zone, it's safe there, nothing can hurt you there. Sometimes I listen to fear and I walk, no I sometimes run back to my prison. Fear might trick me and get me back in the prison but I'm going to find the keys and get out, might need some help. In fact I have even tried to do better about that and tell one of the two people I feel I can talk to about stuff that I'm dealing with and I try to tell them these fears and lies are really attacking me again, what do I do, basically I'm telling them I can't find the keys, where did I put the keys so I can open this door to get out, please help me out. Oh and can I also say please don't beat yourself up if there is a lie or fear that seems to keep coming back or you think you are never going to beat it - that's just the fear talking, it's afraid you're going to realize just how far you have come and how close you are to really destroying this thing once and for all. And you know sometimes it takes the bird dropping that ol' snake a few times before it's ready to be served for lunch but you will beat it, you have the keys, never forget that.
That Irish in me, I can't tell a story short to save me. But my point in all of this is, yeah sometimes fears come back and sometimes in the sneakiest of ways but don't let it bully you into silence or to believe that you can't win or have no fight (for me the popular things seems to be why fight it you know I'll win or will be right back, you're never getting rid of me, that type of thing)...but you my friend are a warrior and you must have it in you to be one awesome fighter otherwise why is fear so afraid of you seeing who you really are - because it knows you will stomp it's scrawny butt into the ground into tiny little pieces never to be put back together again. So please don't ever forget that you are not what fear says you are, you are not going to be like that person that fear tells you that you will be like (I can't be the only one that gets that one too). You are so much more. You are an unfinished masterpiece that every day is getting more and more pieces of the truth added to it. You are an overcomer, you are a survivor. You are a warrior.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Finding My Seat at the Table
It's a grab bag of random thoughts and I don't know what's about to be written. Let's see what our first prize in the grab bag of thoughts is shall we?
Carrying a lot of weight can wear you out and I'm not talking about someone's physical stature I mean carrying an object or sometimes the weight of something we were told or went through. I have some how managed to get a really early start on shopping for Christmas gifts (it's nothing short of a miracle) and the other day I was in WalMart with the sole intention of getting just one persons gift but then I thought while I'm here let me see if I can find something for someone else. Wouldn't have been a big deal except both of those gifts ended up being in big boxes and I didn't have a buggy (cart, whatever you prefer to call that lovely invention that I forget to get every time I go to the store)I briefly thought I could go get one but then I thought no I am going to go as soon as I pick up that last big box I should be okay. So picture it, me carrying two big boxes with a few small things on top (because have I mentioned I have an obsession with cards cause you never know when someone may need a card giving to them). Wasn't to heavy walking and finally finding a line that didn't have to many people. So I'm standing there holding my stuff thinking I can hold this until I can put it on the counter it's not that heavy, no big deal. It got heavy. And I am convinced glasses know when you have your hands full because that's when they decide to slide down every time without fail. So the boxes are getting heavy, my glasses are slowly using my nose as a slide and I finally just have to set the boxes down. By the time I get to pay for my stuff my arms have got a rest and my glasses are staying just fine where they need to -mostly. The cashier asks if I have a buggy (just work with me if you call it something different!) and I say no but I'll be okay, I think, I hope. Because I don't learn and I didn't want to take up anyone's time. So again i have my little bag full of cards and my two big boxes. This isn't that bad I got this. Until there go the glasses sliding and when I walk outside I have an oh no I forgot where I parked moment. So I finally am fairly certain I am in the right lane of where I parked but am having that did I really park this far down moment - I did. I make it to my car without any stops and keeping my glasses from doing an epic slide off of my nose but by the time I got to my vehicle those boxes had gotten heavy again. Shew, that was a lot to get to my point! Which is this - sometimes in life things happen, many times we have no control over it, but it places a weight on us. Often times we don't even realize we are carrying it or even how heavy it is - until that moment we sit it down. I have had a weight that I have carried for a long time, now back in 2005 I sit a box of it down and thought that was it but it wasn't I was still carrying weight from it with me. I'll be honest I thought what I had laid down was as good as it was ever going to get, this weight was just something I was going to have to learn to carry. But fast forward to 2015 and I get to meet someone, one of those people that God places in your life. So with their help and patience they helped me see how much of the weight I was still carrying and I laid some more down. Now you'd think I would have laid it all down at this point right, not quite. I still had some walls up and still carrying some of the weight from lies and fears. So here we are in 2017 - if you want a count this is 27 years since I picked up a box of lies and fears (if you want to know that means that this chapter in my story started way back when I was six years old). Last night, a simple just sitting and talking and listening to someone helped me knock down one of those last small pieces - can I just say sometimes those small pieces can weigh you down more than the heavy pieces and can be a lot more tricky to get rid of - but because someone chose to take time and sit with me and talk - they unknowingly helped me sit that last piece down and that last piece was small but it held a lot. I suddenly seemed to realize yup God has placed the right people in my life and these people really see me how they have said and shown it and you know what it's time to let people in because God is restoring things that were lost, things that I never got to have or know what it was like to have - simple kinds of relationships - but God is letting me have that now. Is it or has it been easy - nope but boy does that make the victories that much more sweeter and more awesome.
So we've shed some of that weight we've been carrying around - I don't know about you but I feel like taking a deep breath and just enjoying how light this feels. I really didn't realize how heavy that was. Now let what else is in this grab bag....looks like a pack of seeds.
I think throughout all of our lives different seeds are planted and grow - for many of us, I daresay all of us to some degree - seeds of lies and fears can take over our garden and keep the truth seeds of who we are, what we can do, what we are meant to do, our importance, etc from growing like they were meant to. Those fears and lies are nothing but weeds that take over and prevent the truth seeds from getting the light, water and nutrients they were meant to get. Can I tell you something though? You can't defeat the truth - the truth always finds a way to breakthrough - it's not always easy and it can take along time but the truth of who you are and all the awesomeness that you bring to this world will come out. I always you never meet anyone by accident - some of those people knowingly or not plant the seeds that become fears and lies but thank God for those people that get planted that bring truth. Those people that take the time to pull the weeds of lies and fear and have the patience to sit with you while the seeds of truth get nourished and get the light that has been withheld for so long but is now getting to them and helping them to grow and be who they were always meant to be. Because sometimes we need help and if you are like me and have spent many years with those walls built up afraid to let people in that's not always easy to admit or accept. But I am learning that it makes that weight a lot easier to carry, it makes this ride a lot less lonely and even fun and we just wasn't meant to tackle this all on our own.
We're just moving right along in this grab bag, aren't we? So this next one is sitting at the table and being vulnerable (it was a buy one get one free grab). If you have never heard the song To The Table by Zach Williams, you need to look it up and listen to it (actually just buy the whole CD that song is on you won't regret it). Recently I saw Zach Williams in concert and before he sang this song he said picture the longest table you can imagine and there is a seat at this table with your name on it. This table is a special table that God has and this table has what many of us would label failures, rejects, those that have been abandoned, the nothings - see that's what the seeds of lies and fears would have us think we are and it makes us think we can't have a seat at this table. Part of that song states: But you keep standing at a distance in the shadow of your shame. There's a light of hope that's shining won't you come and take your place and bring it all to the table...it goes on to state: He can see the weight you carry the fears that hold your heart but through the cross you've been forgiven you're accepted as you are.
I am one to stand off to the side and at a distance - literally and figuratively - and I'll be honest I spent all of my life thinking there is no way I could have a seat at this table because all those lies and fears and that shame kept me from walking up and sitting down at this table. Recently I went to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in awhile and we got talking about some stuff that had happened and she said that has to be a deep wound and I just kind of shrugged and thought yeah it is a little bit but it's all good. Then a few days later I was at this service at a church and a woman came up and was talking to me and it was one of those that they don't know you and they tell you stuff so you know that God is using them to get you to listen and one thing she said was there is a deep wound but she said that in every single one of the times I was abandoned and rejected and every thing else that happened God was with me. Now if you don't know my story, I won't get into it but I will you that during a lot of times I questioned God and I wondered where He was at and I thought, no I was convinced that God hated me and I had done something to make Him mad at me and not be there. Now over the past couple of years especially I have learned that was a lie but to hear and have that really sink in that God was with me through it all well that pulled a lot of those weeds of lies and fears. Zach Williams also sings a song called Fear Is A Liar and in that song he lists all those negative things that we sometimes hear others say about us or sometimes we say about ourselves but fear is a liar. I'm learning that as much as it scares me to let people in it's also okay to be vulnerable and to be real. I've worn a mask most of my life - put on that front that I'm okay, look and act like I think supposed to so I can be liked and hopefully I can be a ninja and y'all won't even notice me. But that mask gets smothering and I'm tired of wearing it. Is that to say I won't pick it up and put it back on some days - no because I am sure I will. But I'm learning that my story has a purpose and it's okay to share my story, it's okay for me to be my dorkish, nerd self. It's even okay if I laugh my obnoxious laugh. Because can I tell you something for the first time in possibly ever, I have a sense of belonging, a sense of joy and love that I have never had, that I was to afraid to accept or thought I was deserving of. There is a part of me that is afraid of what is going to happen or what will they really think of me but see the people that are meant to be in my life they will love me and they will continue to be there to help me pull up those weeds of lies and fears and they will be there to just enjoy the simple things in life. There are so many things that I am getting to enjoy and see and have for the first time - things that are so unbelievably simple and people wouldn't even think about. I'll be honest I'm in new territory. I'm truly thankful that God has placed the people He has in my life. And I am so glad that I had people that have helped me see that I do have that seat at the table and I deserve to sit there - and so do you.
So in conclusion, never underestimate what seems simple to you but could be the one thing that will help lift a weight from someone that they have been carrying. May we always be careful which seeds we water and nourish and may we always be able to pull up those weeds of lies and fears so the seeds of truth can flourish and thank God for those that help destroy the lies and fears. Always remember you have never done anything that has made you undeserving of a seat at the table and sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable because oftentimes you will find you wasn't the only one that has been through that or felt like that.
Carrying a lot of weight can wear you out and I'm not talking about someone's physical stature I mean carrying an object or sometimes the weight of something we were told or went through. I have some how managed to get a really early start on shopping for Christmas gifts (it's nothing short of a miracle) and the other day I was in WalMart with the sole intention of getting just one persons gift but then I thought while I'm here let me see if I can find something for someone else. Wouldn't have been a big deal except both of those gifts ended up being in big boxes and I didn't have a buggy (cart, whatever you prefer to call that lovely invention that I forget to get every time I go to the store)I briefly thought I could go get one but then I thought no I am going to go as soon as I pick up that last big box I should be okay. So picture it, me carrying two big boxes with a few small things on top (because have I mentioned I have an obsession with cards cause you never know when someone may need a card giving to them). Wasn't to heavy walking and finally finding a line that didn't have to many people. So I'm standing there holding my stuff thinking I can hold this until I can put it on the counter it's not that heavy, no big deal. It got heavy. And I am convinced glasses know when you have your hands full because that's when they decide to slide down every time without fail. So the boxes are getting heavy, my glasses are slowly using my nose as a slide and I finally just have to set the boxes down. By the time I get to pay for my stuff my arms have got a rest and my glasses are staying just fine where they need to -mostly. The cashier asks if I have a buggy (just work with me if you call it something different!) and I say no but I'll be okay, I think, I hope. Because I don't learn and I didn't want to take up anyone's time. So again i have my little bag full of cards and my two big boxes. This isn't that bad I got this. Until there go the glasses sliding and when I walk outside I have an oh no I forgot where I parked moment. So I finally am fairly certain I am in the right lane of where I parked but am having that did I really park this far down moment - I did. I make it to my car without any stops and keeping my glasses from doing an epic slide off of my nose but by the time I got to my vehicle those boxes had gotten heavy again. Shew, that was a lot to get to my point! Which is this - sometimes in life things happen, many times we have no control over it, but it places a weight on us. Often times we don't even realize we are carrying it or even how heavy it is - until that moment we sit it down. I have had a weight that I have carried for a long time, now back in 2005 I sit a box of it down and thought that was it but it wasn't I was still carrying weight from it with me. I'll be honest I thought what I had laid down was as good as it was ever going to get, this weight was just something I was going to have to learn to carry. But fast forward to 2015 and I get to meet someone, one of those people that God places in your life. So with their help and patience they helped me see how much of the weight I was still carrying and I laid some more down. Now you'd think I would have laid it all down at this point right, not quite. I still had some walls up and still carrying some of the weight from lies and fears. So here we are in 2017 - if you want a count this is 27 years since I picked up a box of lies and fears (if you want to know that means that this chapter in my story started way back when I was six years old). Last night, a simple just sitting and talking and listening to someone helped me knock down one of those last small pieces - can I just say sometimes those small pieces can weigh you down more than the heavy pieces and can be a lot more tricky to get rid of - but because someone chose to take time and sit with me and talk - they unknowingly helped me sit that last piece down and that last piece was small but it held a lot. I suddenly seemed to realize yup God has placed the right people in my life and these people really see me how they have said and shown it and you know what it's time to let people in because God is restoring things that were lost, things that I never got to have or know what it was like to have - simple kinds of relationships - but God is letting me have that now. Is it or has it been easy - nope but boy does that make the victories that much more sweeter and more awesome.
So we've shed some of that weight we've been carrying around - I don't know about you but I feel like taking a deep breath and just enjoying how light this feels. I really didn't realize how heavy that was. Now let what else is in this grab bag....looks like a pack of seeds.
I think throughout all of our lives different seeds are planted and grow - for many of us, I daresay all of us to some degree - seeds of lies and fears can take over our garden and keep the truth seeds of who we are, what we can do, what we are meant to do, our importance, etc from growing like they were meant to. Those fears and lies are nothing but weeds that take over and prevent the truth seeds from getting the light, water and nutrients they were meant to get. Can I tell you something though? You can't defeat the truth - the truth always finds a way to breakthrough - it's not always easy and it can take along time but the truth of who you are and all the awesomeness that you bring to this world will come out. I always you never meet anyone by accident - some of those people knowingly or not plant the seeds that become fears and lies but thank God for those people that get planted that bring truth. Those people that take the time to pull the weeds of lies and fear and have the patience to sit with you while the seeds of truth get nourished and get the light that has been withheld for so long but is now getting to them and helping them to grow and be who they were always meant to be. Because sometimes we need help and if you are like me and have spent many years with those walls built up afraid to let people in that's not always easy to admit or accept. But I am learning that it makes that weight a lot easier to carry, it makes this ride a lot less lonely and even fun and we just wasn't meant to tackle this all on our own.
We're just moving right along in this grab bag, aren't we? So this next one is sitting at the table and being vulnerable (it was a buy one get one free grab). If you have never heard the song To The Table by Zach Williams, you need to look it up and listen to it (actually just buy the whole CD that song is on you won't regret it). Recently I saw Zach Williams in concert and before he sang this song he said picture the longest table you can imagine and there is a seat at this table with your name on it. This table is a special table that God has and this table has what many of us would label failures, rejects, those that have been abandoned, the nothings - see that's what the seeds of lies and fears would have us think we are and it makes us think we can't have a seat at this table. Part of that song states: But you keep standing at a distance in the shadow of your shame. There's a light of hope that's shining won't you come and take your place and bring it all to the table...it goes on to state: He can see the weight you carry the fears that hold your heart but through the cross you've been forgiven you're accepted as you are.
I am one to stand off to the side and at a distance - literally and figuratively - and I'll be honest I spent all of my life thinking there is no way I could have a seat at this table because all those lies and fears and that shame kept me from walking up and sitting down at this table. Recently I went to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in awhile and we got talking about some stuff that had happened and she said that has to be a deep wound and I just kind of shrugged and thought yeah it is a little bit but it's all good. Then a few days later I was at this service at a church and a woman came up and was talking to me and it was one of those that they don't know you and they tell you stuff so you know that God is using them to get you to listen and one thing she said was there is a deep wound but she said that in every single one of the times I was abandoned and rejected and every thing else that happened God was with me. Now if you don't know my story, I won't get into it but I will you that during a lot of times I questioned God and I wondered where He was at and I thought, no I was convinced that God hated me and I had done something to make Him mad at me and not be there. Now over the past couple of years especially I have learned that was a lie but to hear and have that really sink in that God was with me through it all well that pulled a lot of those weeds of lies and fears. Zach Williams also sings a song called Fear Is A Liar and in that song he lists all those negative things that we sometimes hear others say about us or sometimes we say about ourselves but fear is a liar. I'm learning that as much as it scares me to let people in it's also okay to be vulnerable and to be real. I've worn a mask most of my life - put on that front that I'm okay, look and act like I think supposed to so I can be liked and hopefully I can be a ninja and y'all won't even notice me. But that mask gets smothering and I'm tired of wearing it. Is that to say I won't pick it up and put it back on some days - no because I am sure I will. But I'm learning that my story has a purpose and it's okay to share my story, it's okay for me to be my dorkish, nerd self. It's even okay if I laugh my obnoxious laugh. Because can I tell you something for the first time in possibly ever, I have a sense of belonging, a sense of joy and love that I have never had, that I was to afraid to accept or thought I was deserving of. There is a part of me that is afraid of what is going to happen or what will they really think of me but see the people that are meant to be in my life they will love me and they will continue to be there to help me pull up those weeds of lies and fears and they will be there to just enjoy the simple things in life. There are so many things that I am getting to enjoy and see and have for the first time - things that are so unbelievably simple and people wouldn't even think about. I'll be honest I'm in new territory. I'm truly thankful that God has placed the people He has in my life. And I am so glad that I had people that have helped me see that I do have that seat at the table and I deserve to sit there - and so do you.
So in conclusion, never underestimate what seems simple to you but could be the one thing that will help lift a weight from someone that they have been carrying. May we always be careful which seeds we water and nourish and may we always be able to pull up those weeds of lies and fears so the seeds of truth can flourish and thank God for those that help destroy the lies and fears. Always remember you have never done anything that has made you undeserving of a seat at the table and sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable because oftentimes you will find you wasn't the only one that has been through that or felt like that.
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