It's a grab bag of random thoughts and I don't know what's about to be written. Let's see what our first prize in the grab bag of thoughts is shall we?
Carrying a lot of weight can wear you out and I'm not talking about someone's physical stature I mean carrying an object or sometimes the weight of something we were told or went through. I have some how managed to get a really early start on shopping for Christmas gifts (it's nothing short of a miracle) and the other day I was in WalMart with the sole intention of getting just one persons gift but then I thought while I'm here let me see if I can find something for someone else. Wouldn't have been a big deal except both of those gifts ended up being in big boxes and I didn't have a buggy (cart, whatever you prefer to call that lovely invention that I forget to get every time I go to the store)I briefly thought I could go get one but then I thought no I am going to go as soon as I pick up that last big box I should be okay. So picture it, me carrying two big boxes with a few small things on top (because have I mentioned I have an obsession with cards cause you never know when someone may need a card giving to them). Wasn't to heavy walking and finally finding a line that didn't have to many people. So I'm standing there holding my stuff thinking I can hold this until I can put it on the counter it's not that heavy, no big deal. It got heavy. And I am convinced glasses know when you have your hands full because that's when they decide to slide down every time without fail. So the boxes are getting heavy, my glasses are slowly using my nose as a slide and I finally just have to set the boxes down. By the time I get to pay for my stuff my arms have got a rest and my glasses are staying just fine where they need to -mostly. The cashier asks if I have a buggy (just work with me if you call it something different!) and I say no but I'll be okay, I think, I hope. Because I don't learn and I didn't want to take up anyone's time. So again i have my little bag full of cards and my two big boxes. This isn't that bad I got this. Until there go the glasses sliding and when I walk outside I have an oh no I forgot where I parked moment. So I finally am fairly certain I am in the right lane of where I parked but am having that did I really park this far down moment - I did. I make it to my car without any stops and keeping my glasses from doing an epic slide off of my nose but by the time I got to my vehicle those boxes had gotten heavy again. Shew, that was a lot to get to my point! Which is this - sometimes in life things happen, many times we have no control over it, but it places a weight on us. Often times we don't even realize we are carrying it or even how heavy it is - until that moment we sit it down. I have had a weight that I have carried for a long time, now back in 2005 I sit a box of it down and thought that was it but it wasn't I was still carrying weight from it with me. I'll be honest I thought what I had laid down was as good as it was ever going to get, this weight was just something I was going to have to learn to carry. But fast forward to 2015 and I get to meet someone, one of those people that God places in your life. So with their help and patience they helped me see how much of the weight I was still carrying and I laid some more down. Now you'd think I would have laid it all down at this point right, not quite. I still had some walls up and still carrying some of the weight from lies and fears. So here we are in 2017 - if you want a count this is 27 years since I picked up a box of lies and fears (if you want to know that means that this chapter in my story started way back when I was six years old). Last night, a simple just sitting and talking and listening to someone helped me knock down one of those last small pieces - can I just say sometimes those small pieces can weigh you down more than the heavy pieces and can be a lot more tricky to get rid of - but because someone chose to take time and sit with me and talk - they unknowingly helped me sit that last piece down and that last piece was small but it held a lot. I suddenly seemed to realize yup God has placed the right people in my life and these people really see me how they have said and shown it and you know what it's time to let people in because God is restoring things that were lost, things that I never got to have or know what it was like to have - simple kinds of relationships - but God is letting me have that now. Is it or has it been easy - nope but boy does that make the victories that much more sweeter and more awesome.
So we've shed some of that weight we've been carrying around - I don't know about you but I feel like taking a deep breath and just enjoying how light this feels. I really didn't realize how heavy that was. Now let what else is in this grab bag....looks like a pack of seeds.
I think throughout all of our lives different seeds are planted and grow - for many of us, I daresay all of us to some degree - seeds of lies and fears can take over our garden and keep the truth seeds of who we are, what we can do, what we are meant to do, our importance, etc from growing like they were meant to. Those fears and lies are nothing but weeds that take over and prevent the truth seeds from getting the light, water and nutrients they were meant to get. Can I tell you something though? You can't defeat the truth - the truth always finds a way to breakthrough - it's not always easy and it can take along time but the truth of who you are and all the awesomeness that you bring to this world will come out. I always you never meet anyone by accident - some of those people knowingly or not plant the seeds that become fears and lies but thank God for those people that get planted that bring truth. Those people that take the time to pull the weeds of lies and fear and have the patience to sit with you while the seeds of truth get nourished and get the light that has been withheld for so long but is now getting to them and helping them to grow and be who they were always meant to be. Because sometimes we need help and if you are like me and have spent many years with those walls built up afraid to let people in that's not always easy to admit or accept. But I am learning that it makes that weight a lot easier to carry, it makes this ride a lot less lonely and even fun and we just wasn't meant to tackle this all on our own.
We're just moving right along in this grab bag, aren't we? So this next one is sitting at the table and being vulnerable (it was a buy one get one free grab). If you have never heard the song To The Table by Zach Williams, you need to look it up and listen to it (actually just buy the whole CD that song is on you won't regret it). Recently I saw Zach Williams in concert and before he sang this song he said picture the longest table you can imagine and there is a seat at this table with your name on it. This table is a special table that God has and this table has what many of us would label failures, rejects, those that have been abandoned, the nothings - see that's what the seeds of lies and fears would have us think we are and it makes us think we can't have a seat at this table. Part of that song states: But you keep standing at a distance in the shadow of your shame. There's a light of hope that's shining won't you come and take your place and bring it all to the table...it goes on to state: He can see the weight you carry the fears that hold your heart but through the cross you've been forgiven you're accepted as you are.
I am one to stand off to the side and at a distance - literally and figuratively - and I'll be honest I spent all of my life thinking there is no way I could have a seat at this table because all those lies and fears and that shame kept me from walking up and sitting down at this table. Recently I went to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in awhile and we got talking about some stuff that had happened and she said that has to be a deep wound and I just kind of shrugged and thought yeah it is a little bit but it's all good. Then a few days later I was at this service at a church and a woman came up and was talking to me and it was one of those that they don't know you and they tell you stuff so you know that God is using them to get you to listen and one thing she said was there is a deep wound but she said that in every single one of the times I was abandoned and rejected and every thing else that happened God was with me. Now if you don't know my story, I won't get into it but I will you that during a lot of times I questioned God and I wondered where He was at and I thought, no I was convinced that God hated me and I had done something to make Him mad at me and not be there. Now over the past couple of years especially I have learned that was a lie but to hear and have that really sink in that God was with me through it all well that pulled a lot of those weeds of lies and fears. Zach Williams also sings a song called Fear Is A Liar and in that song he lists all those negative things that we sometimes hear others say about us or sometimes we say about ourselves but fear is a liar. I'm learning that as much as it scares me to let people in it's also okay to be vulnerable and to be real. I've worn a mask most of my life - put on that front that I'm okay, look and act like I think supposed to so I can be liked and hopefully I can be a ninja and y'all won't even notice me. But that mask gets smothering and I'm tired of wearing it. Is that to say I won't pick it up and put it back on some days - no because I am sure I will. But I'm learning that my story has a purpose and it's okay to share my story, it's okay for me to be my dorkish, nerd self. It's even okay if I laugh my obnoxious laugh. Because can I tell you something for the first time in possibly ever, I have a sense of belonging, a sense of joy and love that I have never had, that I was to afraid to accept or thought I was deserving of. There is a part of me that is afraid of what is going to happen or what will they really think of me but see the people that are meant to be in my life they will love me and they will continue to be there to help me pull up those weeds of lies and fears and they will be there to just enjoy the simple things in life. There are so many things that I am getting to enjoy and see and have for the first time - things that are so unbelievably simple and people wouldn't even think about. I'll be honest I'm in new territory. I'm truly thankful that God has placed the people He has in my life. And I am so glad that I had people that have helped me see that I do have that seat at the table and I deserve to sit there - and so do you.
So in conclusion, never underestimate what seems simple to you but could be the one thing that will help lift a weight from someone that they have been carrying. May we always be careful which seeds we water and nourish and may we always be able to pull up those weeds of lies and fears so the seeds of truth can flourish and thank God for those that help destroy the lies and fears. Always remember you have never done anything that has made you undeserving of a seat at the table and sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable because oftentimes you will find you wasn't the only one that has been through that or felt like that.
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