Don't Look Back

Stepping stones. Seeds. Looking back. Moving forward.

I know that makes absolutely no sense and it probably won't if you keep reading but let me try to make it make a little more sense.

I guess let's start with the looking back first. I'm not sure how long back it has been but the other day (more like months if not years), I was at the drag strip in a bordering county. Now I obviously don't even remember when it was but there is one thing that has stuck with me and comes back every so often about that particular day at the races. There was this driver and when he and his competitor took off down the strip this driver kept looking back - in fact he looked back more than he did forward. He had his torso and head turned back to see where the other driver was and again stayed like this well over three quarters of the way down the track. Can I be honest, it irritated me. He spent so much time looking back to see where his opponent was that he wasn't focused on where he was going and you know he wasn't giving it his all, meaning to or not, noticing it or not he couldn't have been giving it the gas and acceleration he needed to win or to make the progress that he had the potential to make.

Not done with that thought just yet but moving on to the seeds. I recently went into a craft store by myself (never in the history of ever should I ever be allowed in a craft store or bookstore by myself). I went specifically looking for one thing but I didn't know where this one thing was and instead of doing the smart thing and finding someone to ask, I just walked up and down some aisles (y'all I ain't even playing at just how shy and not good at talking with people I am). I'm not sure why I told you that because the thought I am about to write about actually just came to me today and has nothing to do with that - but if you didn't know before now you know I can't be a responsible adult in the craft or bookstore.

You know that game where you have an item and will put your hands behind your back switching the item from hand to hand and then you reveal your hands and ask the person which hand it is in. I think sometimes in life we have seeds. One hand has seeds of lies, fears and doubts that we are going to have to deal with in life and the other hand has the seeds of who we really are, our worth and potential and our dreams. We may plant the seeds from both hands in different pots or perhaps we planted the seeds from one hand - not knowing which seeds they were and decided to hold on to the seeds that were in the other hand. We're going to use this scenario although sometimes I think we plant the seeds in both hands and spend to much time cultivating the seeds of the fears and lies and doubts not realizing it is all those things until those are flourishing and we have for to long neglected the seeds of our worth and such. But let's just say we planted the seeds from one hand and decided to hold on to the other ones. These seeds thrived and grew quickly only over the years of certain circumstances we discover these are the seeds of fears, lies and doubts. I think sometimes we even forget we have the seeds in the other hand, maybe some seeds get knocked out and sometimes we just have a death grip on those seeds and won't open our hands to see if they are still there or to plant them if they are there. What if they are bad seeds? What if they are good seeds? Which is scarier? Can I be honest, I think sometimes it can be scary to see our true worth and what we can do. In part I suppose cause those fears feed the it won't last, that's not who you really are, people will never see you like that (in reality many around us see our worth far greater and sooner than we sometimes can). I think the fears and such can make us think those seeds will never survive or thrive that it may even take a lot of work - and it really will especially if those fears, lies and doubts have grown some serious roots they will try to destroy and make you forget to take care of those seeds of your worth and the truth of who you really are.

Again, not exactly done but let's move on to stepping stones. We all have different bridges to cross and those bridges are made out of different materials and are at varying heights depending on whatever the situation may be. I, for whatever reason, keep picturing a body of water like a creek with stepping stones going across it and that is the only way to get to the other side. It doesn't always necessarily look dangerous or doom and gloom, sometimes it's just a picture in my head of a calm creek with stepping stones to get you across to the other side. I'm not sure which is worse for it to look safe or for it to look dangerous. If it looks safe one would think that would make it easier to cross but again to be honest for me sometimes that makes it more difficult and that's because I stand on the side so long and I think of and up scenarios that aren't even really plausible but it's enough to make me hesitate on even taking the first step. I have recurring dreams of bridges collapsing while I am on them, all of them made out of different materials and all at varying heights. But I think what is more scarier is to just stand on one side and never, ever even take the first step. Perhaps you can see on the other side all of what you have ever dreamed of (now this isn't the grass is greener on the other side scenario - it's a you need to move forward because you have been in the midst of the fears, lies and doubts for to long. And you are on the side that you was never meant to be on and definitely not for this long, you have got so much you were meant to do than stand on this side that you are on.)

Moving forward. I recently saw a post that dealt with a similar situation that happened to me growing up and I realized just how far I have made it. Am I where I need to be? No because I also had to fight some fears and lies just this past weekend. But I am moving forward - at a snails pace some days but I am moving. I saw a quote recently that stated something along the lines of you can't stay in survival mode and thrive, you were meant for more, new habits new life. And even with those fears that hit me (and man did they hit me hard and out of no where) I realized how much and often I go into my own version of survival mode - those old habits that I would do to try to protect myself. That's not good. So I try to remember some advice and things I have learned over the past couple or so years to help me better deal when these situations show up - as they will. It's never going to be an easy ride - never will I ever write or say anything to promise or tell you that. Just ain't how this life is - but having the right people and having safer and better habits or coping mechanisms helps when those not easy days hits.

Here's where I sum up what I just said in a couple of sentences and where you should by now know just to skip here (but why would you want to miss out on the ramblings? haha!). We can't spend more time looking back at who is behind us or how close they are or even trying to figure out just how far we have made it. It only slows us down and prevents us seeing the amazing view ahead - I don't know about you but there's a lot behind me that I don't want to see (it's not all bad and I like to glance back at the good times every so often - nothing wrong with that - just that I don't recommend spending the majority of your race or life looking back). Don't be afraid to plant, cultivate or take care of those seeds that show your worth, will help your dreams come true or even let you be able to help others - and don't be afraid to let other people in to help you. If you're like me that is one of the scariest things ever but it's okay to let people in. It's a little less lonely, lot more vulnerable but it's better - so much better. And can I just say this you know how there is this thing about talking to your plants and stuff - this is so random -- but if you find yourself in the position the help someone else out or maybe your are the one needing it - never underestimate what one or two simple words can do. I'm not a big talker and I sure can't talk loud. Now I am only writing this from the receiving end point of view but I think we put to much emphasis on how many words are said --oh I'm not a big talker I can't say more than 3 words I won't say anything at all. I've been around people that have talked for hours on end and left feeling more down and depressed and lonely than ever. I have been around someone that has said I was just thinking of you how are you...or just wanted to let you know I am here for you...or thank you for being in my life, etc. If you want to say more by all means do but if you only say it in a few that's great too. Look I went to rambling again....

Don't spend more time looking back then you do looking forward. Don't be afraid to plant those seeds and let the real you bloom because you are worth it, you have got some amazing dreams to fulfill and don't be afraid to take that first step because it's time to move forward and fly baby fly.