I believe, help my unbelief

 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

This and another verse that will be mentioned a little later on have been on my heart so much lately. I commend this father and am so very thankful for this verse. Allow me to tell you why. Some have almost scoffed at this verse as if to say how are you going to say in the same breath you believe help my unbelief. Briefly let's look at this man's story than I'm going to share one of my own if you so choose to read it. This man was desperate to get help for his soon he had just asked the disciples to deliver his son and they couldn't help. But Jesus came on the scene and said if you believe...this man knew he believed but he also knew that his faith had been shaking by seeing the disciples not being able to help his son and perhaps even all these years seeing his son in this shape. So he took the mask off and he said Lord, I believe but help my unbelief...help those parts of my faith that are weak, that have been shaken Lord strengthen them, strengthen me.

 That took faith.

 That took faith that many of us today in the very moment don't have. So often we've gotten used to carrying it all on our own, somehow believing it makes us seem weak and wrong to say my faith has been shaking in this part. I daresay a many of you are carrying shame for unbelief. Some have worn the mask so long you may not even see it. In Psalm 139: 23-24 David cries out, Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

I can only speak for myself (though I have seen it but won't call it out) but there have been many times I have faith and believe but also there is unbelief. It's so easy to see and believe for things to happen for others but if it involves me in any capacity unbelief can easily creep in. I can pray believing for you or a loved one to be healed, to get a job, etc. But can I tell you a possibly repeated story of how it took a long time for me to even see my unbelief and will try to tell at least one area unbelief likes to rear it's ugly head (trust me there are a few...a lot at times) 

Take it back just a little for a bit of a background of this but I grew up without a mom and I would see people doing stuff with their mom or having that person they could go to and talk to and say their mom is their best friend and my heart truly ached to know what that was. Fast forward I've forgiven the situation and all involved to cause that scenario but still don't have a mom. I've given God a lot of the hurts and things I'd held onto thinking it was protecting me when in reality it wasn't at all. Skip ahead to about 2014, I am 30 years old still saved, still believing but also got a lot of unbelief. One day someone makes a statement that I've heard so many times and for many I know it's true and I promise I'm so happy for you that you have it but that day I was over it and I just needed to talk and I didn't have anyone I could go to and talk. But I did. And that day I said God I need to talk to you and be honest no holds bar, you can strike me down or whatever (if you are one that has that little lie floating in your head, trust me you can talk to God about absolutely anything and He won't strike you down or be mad or disappointed in you). So that day I asked two things one, for anyone at all to tell me about someone in that Bible that had a similar situation to me that God helped them through and while I'm asking that, you can call me crazy that's okay won't be the first, but I felt even almost heard "there's something else you're holding on to, it's time to give it to Me" and I knew what it was and that it was time but I was afraid, my faith had never been whole from that part of my story. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. So I admitted to the fears and doubts and what I'd been trying to carry my whole life on my own and I told God this is the last time I'll ask but if You're answer is no I beg you to take that want and need away of me wanting and needing a mom but Lord will I ever know a mom's love, will there be someone that is okay with me seeing them as my mom that would want me for their daughter and see me as their daughter, that I could do whatever mom's and daughters do that my mom could be my best friend. That prayer was answered but not immediately and I thank God it did take months (well really years, but months after I didn't let my unbelief keep me from asking God) because it taught me to trust God more and that I can be honest with God especially about my unbelief. Because you see five days before my 31st birthday I heard someone tell about Joseph and how he grew up without a mom and how God also brought him through being in the pit and prison. The person that told me was none other than my mom and I love that God worked it out that it was her. And thankfully and I'll forever be grateful that God chose my mom and Pop and bless them for all they do for me and all they have and continue to show me that I never knew. 

I say that to say this it's okay that there are places our faith can be weak or even shaken, Lord knows there are many areas my faith has been both. That's not the problem, the problem gets when we try to carry it on our own, when we try to wear the masks and aren't even honest with God. Listen I know you can't talk to just anyone but I do believe God gives us people we can go to and talk and be real with. Those people that will help hold us accountable, that will pray for us, that will sit with us in our time of need or just be there. And you always can and should take things to God again He's not going to be mad cause you say Lord I believe help my unbelief. I believe and know God is going to heal my mom but there have been times that I have said Lord I believe but help my unbelief. 

Going back to when David cried out search me Oh God and know my...that has really been on my heart as well and I'm finding myself more and more asking that. God knows me better than I know me because I lie to myself a lot intentionally or not. I say I'm fine when I'm not even to myself. I notoriously say things are no big deal when in fact they are a very big deal to me and be it from it's caused me hurt to it's just a thing I get really excited about but I know I don't shut up when I get excited about something and don't want to be annoying or a bother so I just say oh it's no big deal. I'm good with walls and masks - a little to good at times. But I've gotten to where I ask search me O God, show me any wrong in me but also I honestly feel like God is not only showing that but showing me ways in which  we don't always think about needing change or as maybe bad. Of course we got the big ones that we can honestly even justify and say we don't have or say well it's not that bad or it's not really pride or anything like. So I've been asking a lot God show me and I see things in me like pride but I'm going to take it to something that I'm not sure is mentioned a lot. Not for this to sound arrogant and forgive me if it does not the intent but I have a serving heart, I love to help people. I'm notoriously known and picked on for being quiet but my quiet doesn't always get in the way and is a way I can show who I am and my love by helping you. Granted the quiet backwardness can get in the way of me stepping up like I want to or just saying let me help or can I help but working on that one. But I struggle badly with letting people help me. God on more than one occasion especially lately has told me I feel if you want to be there and help people you have to let those that I've put in your life be there and help you it's not a one way street and to be honest I've always treated it that way. I'm so used to carrying it all on my own that it's even hard to let those that I know won't leave, or make fun of me or that I can trust help me. 

So today or any day never ever feel bad for having to say Lord I believe help my unbelief and also don't neglect in asking search me O God and allow God to show and help you grow.

I thank God for loving me enough to forgive me, to correct me, to pick me up time and time again and that He loved me enough to give me the chosen family that He truly did choose for me and thank them for always being there for me.