Looking out the Window

Forgive me because I'm sure this has been an analogy I've used countless times but I have a terrible memory and it takes me a long time to get things sometimes. It still should be different enough from any other time I've wrote this so there is that at least. Picture it if you will you're in a room looking at what just seems like a wall but there is one area that is just a different enough color to make you wonder what that spot is, could it be part of the wall or something else? As you get closer you see just a big enough spot of something shining through this spot? What is this, is it a hole in the wall? So you wipe your hand across this and suddenly light shines through because this wasn't part of the wall at all there has been a window there this whole time. Now in my weird way of thinking I picture this room as how I see things, how I even see myself, actually perhaps even mostly how I see myself. At some point this window was very much visible and for whatever reason(s) it slowly got covered up with grime and dirt. I think of this grime and dirt as lies. Lies to keep out the truth, to keep out the light and to keep your light from shining out. Everyone has a story and in ways that story will be different of how the grime and dirt started piling up but each story is important and matters. I won't tell you how or why mine started building up but at some point I started believing the lie that I had to be perfect to earn people's love or for them to like me. That was one of the many things that has added layers upon layers of my window. If I was just perfect enough they won't leave (yet here's a kicker I also built up walls to keep people out, actually to help make that maybe make a bit more sense I built the walls up so I'd have a bit more control of how close you got to me and I got to you to protect me or what I thought was protecting me but I also thought I had to be perfect in everything I did in part for previously stated reasons and other reasons as well, I'd list them but some to be honest I'm still just figuring out myself and some I'm just about to open the door to see why.). Anyway I think a lot of people fall in the perfectionism category. We think we need the perfect house, perfect car, have to be the perfect size and have the perfect hair to find someone to love us, perfect job to make the perfect amount of money. Perfect, perfect perfect.....Lies, lies, lies. I saw a quote today from Steven Furtick today that stated, 'Perfectionism is the enemy of progress.' And I can believe that. There's other things that can build up the dirt too but I'm just going to leave it at this and move on to getting to see that little speck of light shining through. Short version of this is sometimes we may hear voices on the other side and curiosity gets the best of us so we wipe at this grimed up window and see what's on the other side, sometimes we need other people to help us see and wipe away the lies that have built up. And yes it is ultimately up to you but sometimes you have to have help. Also an area I struggle with but I'm getting a bit better with that, I think...okay I hope. I am getting a better understanding of my room and this window that has been blocking my view from the truth of who I am most of my life. Am I saying oh look I've typed this scenario and I'm who I want to be and everything is just fine now? No, no I am not I still have so many struggles and some days I feel like I'm getting a clear picture and view out of the window and some days I can barely see out. For example I have times where I get unbelievably anxious and my mind races with to many things to even list. I've learned there are certain things I do when this hits and sometimes it means hiding from people and sometimes I end up messaging a couple of people a lot (so sorry) with stuff that probably makes no sense cause I think so fast that it probably sounds like messed up ramblings. And sometimes I think I do both. Now when I struggle with this I should go to someone and just be honest with what's going on and see if they can help me but these moments are when the grime gets built up big time on my window and it's more difficult for me to be honest with myself and others of what's going on. I just say I'm fine because I believe the lie of what will people say and think if they knew well they'd leave or laugh or whatever. But that's all it is, is a lie. I'll never be perfect this side of heaven and I'll never be the person some people think I should be. I'll always be to much of something or not enough of this. Here's something else I sometimes deal with when trying to wipe away those lies...you are making some progress in getting through these lies to the truth but you slip up, fall back down on another area. A lot of times this is when I would think well I messed up again I'm not good enough, never going to make it and lies upon lies. However recently I've discovered what I decide to put after the conjunction (where as before it would be yeah but negative thought after negative condemnation about myself) now if I mess up or whatever and those lies try to attack I think Yeah I did mess up but look at how far I have made it, there was a time I wouldn't have tried that or Yeah I did but let's take the time to look at all of the bad habits or lies I'm not doing). I had a moment one day where the negative thoughts were trying to come after that conjunction and I though no not today I'm sorry conjunction junction is closed I ain't going there today. And again no one is going to have a lifetime of that window being perfectly clean, mine is getting cleaner and clearer than it has been for awhile, possibly ever but I have days when it gets blocked. And when this happens to you I hope you have people you can go to that will help you or as is sometimes the case with me when I try to hide people that will make sure you don't hide from them. Because there's nothing wrong with not having a perfectly clean window all of the time. And in the end it is important for that light and truth to get in so you can grow not to be perfect but to be who you really are and it's important that the light inside of you can get out so others can see it so you can help others.

Hello Old Friend

Habits are a tricky thing aren't they? I mean they can become something to help and make you have  better life or it can end up being something on the flip side and hindering you. Some habits you may not even realize you have until maybe it's pointed out or one day you just catch it yourself and realize just how much you do said habit. Me personally I have a lot of mostly nervous fidgets and habits. I don't know how long it takes to break a bad habit or create a new habit but I think (hope and pray may be more accurate) that I'm at least  somewhere in the middle of breaking the old and creating new and better habits. You know what's funny, sometimes frustrating ,about trying to break bad habit or just move forward in general? It can be difficult at times to see how much progress you are truly making, many times it can feel like you aren't making progress or am I the only one that does that? I have this sneaky little voice that likes to point out how much farther I still have to go and tries to quiet the voice that says how far I have made it. Fear and lies all it is. I've written about this before but it's like that book 'The Monster at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover' (still one of my favorite books along with Horton Hears a Who and some more). In the book Grover keeps trying to get you to not turn the page because someone said there was a monster at the end of the book and the closer you get to the end the more Grover panics because he doesn't want to see the monster. At the end there is no scary monster it's just lovable, furry old Grover nothing to be afraid of at all. I am like Grover and I haven't quite got to end of the book to realize that there is nothing to be afraid of but I think I have an advantage over Grover cause I don't have to wait until I get to the end of the book to realize that. I'm somewhere between yay, I've made it three weeks without biting or picking my fingernails and oh no I'm trying to push people away again. So I find myself at in interesting place in my book. Do I do like I normally would at this part of my book (actually to be honest I've never gotten this far in my book due to what I'm about to write) and do I close the book and hide it away or do I turn the page? I think it's time to turn the page because what is behind all of these doors or what will be on the next page will not necessarily be scary or bad it could be good. And the good thing is I don't have to finish the book by myself (if I haven't pushed people away to many times, so sorry to those I do that too, momentarily listen to the fear and lie that I can't get close to people and I freak out when I realize how close I am getting. I'll turn the page from that lie too.). Maybe you are in the beginning, middle or really close to seeing that monster at the end of your book. Maybe you're like me and are stuck on a page afraid to read on debating closing the book. I think I got this part of the story memorized and it's time to read on and see what the next page has in store because I may not know what all will unfold in the rest of the story but I know that whatever it is will be worth it because there are some good things that are going to happen on the pages I haven't gotten to yet and well I'll never get to my happy ending if I don't turn the page, because in the end I do believe it will be a happy ending, but I got some reading to do before I get there.

For Such A Time As This - One Year Later

A year ago today, according to my memories on Facebook, I wrote a post titled For Such A Time As This. I actually opened it and as I was reading it I thought 1) oh Lord, maybe I shouldn't write a blog 2) wow, what a difference a year makes and 3) thank God I am truly moving forward and I can actually tell that finally. In the end of last years post I wrote in part, 'See I don't know or truly understand what season I am at right now but I know that I am here and I am who I am right now for such a time as this.' I often say one shouldn't live in the past but that post was a reminder of how sometimes a glance back to see how far you have made it is that encouragement you needed cause sometimes it just feels like you aren't moving forward (sometimes you really ain't but more on that later) and isn't it sometimes just completely amazing to see how you have made it, thank God. So where I was at last year was on my way moving forward but not really. See I was going through the motions, had gotten rid of just enough hurts and such that I thought I was okay, that's all I thought was really possible or all I deserved to have because it seemed I should carry these hurts, rejections and burdens, it's all I would allow to happen in part cause I didn't know how or what to do to get rid of these things and I didn't want anyone to know all this that I was feeling or going through, safer to go through the motions. But what I didn't know or understand that all these years have been making me and leading me to such a time as this. I hear people say if they could live life over again they'd do this or that different. I don't know if I would, sure it'd be great to live many less years dealing with things I've dealt with but everything led me to meet the people and go places to get me where I am now, for such a time as this. For so long I wanted to escape these feelings and I tried but it only masked how I was feeling it never gave me the freedom I so wanted from these chains and such. I was so tired of just going through the motions and it was killing me but thank God He heard my cries and has helped me so much  since I wrote that post last year. We all have seasons, trials and such and it's not fun but at least it can be used so you can help others as I read in a quote we're not here to see through people but to help see people through. I'm still not sure what my such a time as this involves but I finally have a better understanding of what my role and place is and am so glad and thankful God allowed me to meet and have the people that are in my life and have played a role in helping me move forward or just being there, that means more to me than I can ever pay you all back but i'm forever grateful. Most of all I am so glad and thankful for the freedom and chains that have truly been broken, I'm no longer walking through the motions but in a peace and freedom I haven't ever known. So in this time I will continue to grow and move forward to whatever such a time as this has in store for me.

I'll Look Up

If you know me the title of this is kind of funny and a bit ironic because pretty much all of my life I have had the habit of looking down whenever I walk, I used to jokingly say I'll know who you are more by your shoes than your face. I have however gotten better about looking up while I walk who knew I was missing so much?! It's also based on a song by We Are Messengers, although technically the title of that song is I Look Up, but I really like that song and there is a line that goes: So if I wanna catch a glimpse of something bigger than me I have to look up. And can I just tell you I am, finally at the age of thirty two, finally getting that and figuring out who I am, not the lies I've told myself or been told by others, not the walls I've built and hid behind. I recently finished reading In Such Good Company by Carol Burnett (good read by the way) and in it she writes about how they went about hiring the regulars and how the studio didn't want her to hire Vicki Lawrence because she was 'rough' and I love Carol's response, 'So is a diamond, at first.' and thankfully Carol stood her ground and hired Vicki. She saw who Vicki was, the person hidden behind what would be labeled as shy exterior and Harvey Korman saw her potential and took her under his wings and helped show her the ropes and well as they say the rest is history, some of televisions best laughs history (the famous elephant story blooper, need I say more...if I do just look it up on YouTube). Point being we all have stories and have all went through stuff that has made us believe lies about ourselves, sometimes we fuel those lies and keep them alive for way longer than they ever should have been. Sometimes we believe we can't do something or we'll never be who we want to be, really the list goes on and on (like the song that will not end!). That is where I am quite thankful and grateful for the Carol Burnett's in my life because sometimes we need help in getting past those lies because they can be hurdles that we think we will never cross or dare I say we believe that we don't deserve to be able to cross them (I'm sure I'm not the only one that has thought that). We're not meant or supposed to walk this road alone we need help be it reminding that we can take that next step or just someone to laugh with sometimes we just need a friend.  I was reading an old blog post from January 2015 I had written about crossing bridges and how I have trouble with that. To be honest for some time I just decided I'm going to quit trying I'll just park myself here behind these walls because I'm not setting myself up for failure yet again because it would seem when I try to cross a bridge or even build one the fear and such would win and I'd run back to the comfort zone side of the bridge. That's just a lie though and again if I'm honest I hate my comfort zone it is has become so unbelievably boring It's funny because oftentimes in my dreams I would be on a bridge and the bridge would collapse. I think subconsciously I started thinking that if I built bridges in real life that they also would collapse so to keep myself safe I just didn't. Just another lie. So starting today I've tore the walls down and I'm going to start building some bridges because the views on the other side look amazing and I got so much I got to do. Because I may just be a diamond in the rough but I'm going to shine.

Walls

Advanced apologies because some of this may be repeats from previous writings. I have so much going through my head that sometimes I can't remember if I really wrote or told someone or if it is still in draft mode in my head. Now that we got that out of the way shall we carry on?

I guess  I'll start with another thought or two that has really stuck with me from my vacation. I was able to climb three lighthouses while on my trip. Ironic I am terrified of heights but love lighthouses, to me they represent a beacon of hope. While climbing the last one, which also happened to be the tallest (Cape Hatteras) there was an older woman and I believe her daughter and son in law. They were ahead of me and I heard the man telling the woman to take her time it wasn't a race, that it didn't matter how long it took for them to get to the top. I ended up catching up to them at the third level where we all ended up needing to rest. The older lady needed to sit on the steps (bless her, she was all worried she'd be in my way and keep me from going. I told her to take her time it wouldn't interfere with me.) As she was sitting she said, 'I have breast cancer and don't have the energy I used to.' At that moment and probably until I take my last breath I was and am in complete awe of her determination to climb that lighthouse. I learned a few things that day. One being life isn't a race, don't think you're less than another if you have to take a rest or don't get to a level as fast as another. Sometimes you got to give yourself a pep talk and sometimes you got to have someone there to give you that reminder and pep talk so you'll take the rest you need and/or so you can take that next step that you just don't think you can take. I also learned we can be like lighthouses. You don't have to be loud sometimes all you have to do is stand tall and let your light shine. You see that day I climbed an 198 feet tall lighthouse but I met a lighthouse on the third landing that day when I met that woman.

On Saturday I got the chance to go to the Rock the Smokies event at Dollywood. And I am so glad that I did because I was reminded of a couple things, actually encouraged may be more appropriate. I just went thinking I was going to see a few artists I really enjoy hearing but got so much more out if it. I was able to see 7eventh Time Down, a band I have wanted to see for awhile. Twice during that show the singer said, Today let's tear those walls down we have built around our hearts. Twice. I was like dude I'm working on it. After that show ended I had planned on going to wait to see another band but I just felt like I needed to walk to the church (my favorite place at Dollywood). As I'm walking I hear We Are Messengers, I'm super excited cause I wanted to see him but I thought for sure I had missed the whole show. So I go lean against a post to listen to what is left of the show. Two things happened during this show. The first was before he started another sing he was talking (he is from Ireland if you aren't familiar with the band) and he says something along the lines of, 'Jesus wants to take that sorrow, shame and condemnation that you've been carrying.' At this point I'm having an Okay I think you're trying to tell me something God moment. Anyway, next thing, later on in his set he had everyone hold hands (I conviently hid by that pole that was holding me up). And he talks about how people need love, they sometimes need that pat on the back or hug that touch to remind them they aren't alone. Then he asks ,'If you're lonely would you just raise your hand.' Which several did and one has to wonder how many were lonely but didn't raise their hand. Then he says, 'That's okay that you're lonely. And basically he didn't have the perfect answer to to make them not lonely anymore but to know they are loved and it's okay to not be okay. This one hit me because I often do wonder is the person I'm sitting next to, do they know how much they matter? Are they really okay when you ask how they are or did they put on that mask with the smile and inside are crying. I saw a thing on Facebook that went something like this:

Person: How are things with you?
Me: things are good
Narrator: things were not good

(Please tell me I'm not the only one that imagines the narrator in Morgan Freeman's voice?)

And sadly sometimes I think tjis happens more than it should because we believe the lie that we are a bother, that no one really cares and/or that we always have to be strong. You don't, as that guy said it's okay to not be okay. You know apparently I need to learn this cause I keep going back to you (nor I) have to ride this life by ourselves. It's okay to let people in and help carry a load. I'm not the best at having the right words to say and may not be the best at giving hugs when needed (I'm getting there and it's not cause I don't want to give or receive hugs), but I try my best to be there for people. I'll sit there and cry, laugh (or both), listen or just sit in silence with you. Because I've felt lonely a lot and I want to do all I can to let people know they matter. I don't have all the answers most of the time I don't have any answer but I know it's okay if you're not okay, you aren't alone and you matter.

So today I'm taking a few more pieces away from these walls built up, trying to destroy these masks society has tried to tell me I have to wear to be normal and fit in because it's time for some giants to fall because those lies and fears have blocked my view and road to long. 

Seasons

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven....
Ecclesiastes 3:1

In a few weeks we'll be going into a new season and one of my favorites at that. I love Spring because to me it represents renewal, the plants and trees growing and blooming once again after winters brutal cold.  I love Fall because the leaves changing just before they make the last journey to the ground as the trees prepare to rest is almost a reminder that, well for everything there is a season and remember these beautiful colors during those days when it may not be the most beautiful of days. Life is like that. We all have seasons, I daresay you are in one right now. Some seasons are like your favorite season of weather and some are like your least favorite (winter for me) and those seasons seem like they'll never end don't they. I've been thinking a lot lately about seasons and what season I am in now. I recently was fortunate enough to go to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. At a park I was walking by myself and as I was leaving this little boy about five or six and his little sister began running just ahead of their parents into the park. The little boy saw me, stopped and looked at me quite concerned and said, " You shouldn't be walking by yourself." I smiled and said, "No, I shouldn't, should I?" I thought about that and at first was like I totally just got in trouble by a kid and he was right I shouldn't walk in certain places by myself. I think he is onto something else. I am the worst at trying to walk this ride called life by myself. I'll be thee to help you out any time any day but to let others in to help me with my walk, the struggle is real. But that little boy reminded me one shouldn't walk this ride called life by yourself. We all have seasons, those we need to have someone help us carry these burdens, help us stay on the path and just know we're not alone. Than we have seasons we will do those things for someone else. I think I'm finally getting that, or I'm trying more than I ever have to get it and apply it to my life. I've always thought everyone in your life and even the strangers you pass are put in your path for a reason. As Tyler Perry put it some are leaves, some branches and some are roots but all serve a purpose. The season I'm in now I've been in to some degree for way to long. However, just like in a few weeks it will be a new season, Idon't know when it will happen but I'm about to enter a new season in my life. You know how a window will fog up sometimes and you know what is outside but you can't see the clear picture due to the foggy window. Sometimes life has felt like that to me and I've often forgot all I had to do was wipe away the fog and I could see clearly. And that is why we need to not walk alone because sometimes we forget, sometimes we just don't have the strength and sometimes we just need the company whether we know it or not. So whatever season you are in or about to enter into I hope you remember to not walk alone and you have some roots kind of people in your life to walk with you. I have my hoodies ready and waiting to wear in the fall and my camera ready as we get closer and closer to fall and I have my head held up  thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help make sure I don't walk by myself as I'm about to enter a new season in my life.

Vines

If I kept a count of my random thoughts I wonder which number this one would be? Probably one I would get tired of saying before I finished the ridiculously astronomical number. Earlier I got thinking about thoughts and how amazing it is that what seemingly is nothing but a simple thought can help or hinder you. Where I live there is this vine, not a clue what it is called, but it is a pain. It is nearly impossible to get rid of and just when you think you have here it comes back again. It was at this point in my thinking I had the light bulb come on and well here I am writing what I saw when the light came on. This particular writing is going to focus on the thoughts that hinder, mostly anyway. I'm going to assume it's safe to say we all have our times where we battle thoughts that hinder us, that take us to a place that isn't good for us, and/or we have fears and doubts that we face. Perhaps you're like me and sometimes have battles with all three, most of the time they all three gang up on me and I feel outnumbered and overwhelmed in the fight. Those thoughts, fears and doubts all to often become like that vine. See that vine didn't really serve a purpose but to take up room and prevent anything else from growing in its place. Growing up on occasion I would see a spot where these vines had taken over and decide I was going to pull up the vine so maybe something else could grow there. At least once while doing this there would be some pieces of the vine that I could pull up and remove with ease and there was some I just wasn't strong enough to pull even though I put every ounce of strength I had in me at the time. Usually it started out the big pieces were really easy to get rid of and I thought oh this is going to be easy I'll get this taken care of and rid of in no time. I was wrong. Once I got the big pieces out of the way I had to try to get rid of the smaller pieces. Those were more difficult to get a grasp on, more difficult to get much pulled up besides what was on the surface. Some of the vines I just couldn't make any progress on without help. Did I mention the blisters I got from trying to get rid of these vines? I think thoughts, fears and doubts can be like those vines. Some can be easy to face and vanquish. Some you really got to fight to get a good grip on and use every ounce of strength to conquer. There are those doubts and fears you may have carried for years, maybe your whole life, I think those are like those little pieces of vines. It can be those pieces that you not only have to sit down and take your time at even being able to get a hold of but those are sometimes the ones you need help with getting rid of them and not just on the surface but destroying the roots from which the lies grow. Just like those vines would look like they were gone and I would think they had been overthrown sometimes they would come back as do the thoughts, fears and doubts of life. This can be discouraging, I daresay even overwhelming even. Don't let it be water to the lies of those thoughts, doubts and fears so that you think you'll never beat these things but instead hopefully you can see it as it doesn't have the hold on you that it once did and every bit you pull up, every time you face those fears and doubts and every time you conquer that thought you have pulled a bit more of the root and ultimately you will overcome this vine or battle. I recently had a really, really, I mean absolutely terrible day. It was one of those I'm still not sure if it was a panic attack, breakdown or both, I'm leaning towards both because well I'll just say I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Because I couldn't breathe among other things I ended up messaging someone to ask if they would pray for me. To be honest I felt stupid about it after I did so (I tend to do that any time I open up, not sure why). Anyway the other day they asked how I was I said okay (again who ever answers that question honestly) and I said I felt stupid for saying that and I shouldn't have bothered her and she said something along the lines of it's only bad not to ask or talk. I guess I'm slowly learning that but Lord have mercy it's difficult for me to do so. I leave you with this when you go to pull those vines of hindering thoughts, fears and doubts make sure you have a good pair of gloves and as much as those thoughts, fears and doubts may try to convince you not to it is okay to ask for help. And it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get the vines destroyed just because others may say you aren't making as much or quick of a progress as they did. Please always remember you aren't going to run the race at the same pace or with the same abilities as others and that is great because you have something that will help someone just like you'll meet others that will help you. I think that's what often makes this life bearable.