This is my story, this is my song...

You know the drill random thoughts and your guess is as good as mine as where this ride will end up...


On my memories that popped up for this day on Facebook one was from a year ago and I had been reading In Such Good Company by Carol Burnett (still recommend that book if you haven't read it yet) and I had wrote about the people in the studio not wanting her to hire Vicki Lawrence as a regular and how they said she was to rough around the edges. I still love Carol's response which was, so is a diamond at first. Thankfully Carol stood her ground and knew what Vicki had to offer. Carol Burnett is one of my favorite people who happen to be a celebrity, somehow I feel a connection to her that happened the moment I found out her grandma raised her and was a mom to her plus I just love her sense of humor and she is definitely one celebrity I would love to meet. I did get a letter from her, forever grateful she took the time back to respond to a letter I sent to her. Anyway, I loved  her response because whether it's a shot at being a regular on what in my opinion is still the best variety show ever created or just building the confidence to do another dream you may have or even just to build confidence in you - we all at some point I think need or can use someone to remind us and to drown out the lies or just to give us a shot. Sometimes just to know that there are people that care and will be there for you.

So onto another thought, I saw a post the other day from Lisa Harper and it was a video of her daughter (who she adopted from Haiti) and in it her daughter said that if Lisa did good when she got her shots that she just may get her an ice cream and a pony! On the post Lisa used the hashtag apple didn't fall far from the tree and it made me smile for a few reasons. One her daughter is just precious she has such a joyful, happy spirit that you can tell she is just going to go places and be used mightily. Two you can tell the love that is there between mother and daughter. A lot of times when she posts stuff she'll to some degree mention how awesome it is how God worked it out and He picked the perfect daughter for her. You ever see those women that you just know they are meant to be a mom. And to see women like that get to be a mom just makes my heart happy. I love their story too because it gives me hope that maybe one day I will get to adopt and meet the son or daughter that God picks out for me or as I think is more accurate I will just get to meet more kids that I get to be an 'aunt' to. But I love their story too because it reminds me of how God has worked out my story - my story in how I get to have a mom. It's kind of cool isn't to take a glance back at your story and see how things have and/or are working out. To be honest with you I am at a major page turner part of my story and I love my story. I embrace everything about my story cause it made me who I am and it let me meet and now I have some awesome people in my life. I'm still not the best at telling it and I don't always like to tell it but maybe I need to tell more. Disclaimer - anything I write is not to make anyone look bad or to put them down in anyway. I have no ill feelings toward anyone, no grudges, nothing of the like. Growing up I used to wonder if I would ever know what it was to have a mother/daughter relationship and to be honest I didn't think I would cause in part I thought that was part of God punishing me and just proving that He hated me (on a previous post I had written about that in a bit more detail). As I've grown up and over the years I realized that wasn't true but I do think God worked it all out and was actually looking out for me. See when I look back in previous chapters I won't name them but I can tell you that there has been three women that has been a big influence on me and all three in one way or another has or is like a mom to me. First my grandma cause she helped raise me and was the closest thing I had to know what a mom may be, she was sickly all my life so didn't really get to do stuff with her or anything but she gave the best hugs and she was there for me. Then there is the pastor's wife at my church (which I suppose gives it away if you personally know me and read this) who is like a mom and she's helped me tremendously over the years and then a person that God allowed me to meet a couple years ago who is also very much like my mom and I even call her mom and she has helped me a lot too. These three women in their own ways have and are a huge influence in my life. It kind of amazes me really when I look back on my story and the thing that probably has plagued me the most and has been a chain is what happened growing up and that not having a mom or the mom influence that you think of. Now I look back and I see where I currently am in my story and I have a major thanks God moment and I see why what happened did happen and now I wouldn't change any of it for nothing. If I had wrote the story how I thought it was supposed to be written  I would have never met those two very important women that are in my life now. Sometimes I think I am selfish and sometimes I worry that I am a bother to them and stuff but recently I had a thought that could be very wrong or possibly very right. As I have said I don't think you meet anyone by accident or for no reason. Each of these women in their own ways have and are filling in the gap and are letting me know and have a mother's love which I am forever in debt to them for and am forever grateful. Not to mention they just mean so very much to me for just being who they are and I'll never be able to repay them for all that they have done for me. I often say they got the bad end of the deal but I recently had a thought that I may be very wrong and maybe shouldn't say that because maybe I am feeling in some kind of gap that they may have had - at the very least I get to annoy them! But I love Lisa Harper's story with her daughter and so many because I think it proves how awesome God is that in my wee little human brain I am in some way taught to think that it's supposed to happen this way and if it doesn't it never will but stories like mine and Lisa Harper's helps me realize that that isn't true and that it may take awhile ( I was in my twenties when I met one of those women and days away from turning 31 when I met the other one) but things do work out and I think it's a way cooler story and page turner when it happens like this. I love those stories that just when you think they are over and this is going to be a crappy ending something happens and you have the you have got to be kidding me I did not see this happening. It's way better than I could have ever imagined. So in my story I have no idea if I will ever have a kid (biological or adopted), I have no idea how it will play out with certain people in my life but I love my story.

I was recently reading a blog and it was about what to do when we think God is late and it mentioned Sarah and how she laughed and thought there was no way she was going to have a child so she tried to help God and messed up. And how often do we do that, think God didn't hear us or what we may hear or be told is going to happen well we laugh and think there is no way. So we either forget about it or we try to help God out. With Sarah and Abraham they had to wait 25 years for that promise to be fulfilled. That's a lifetime! But I bet if we could talk to Sarah she would say now looking back she saw how it was all worth it and she had a better understanding of how and why it all worked out the way it did. I loved in part of that blog the person wrote how God knows exactly who we are supposed to meet and who is supposed to be in our story and when they are supposed to be in their story. How often do you hear I wish I could have met you sooner? But maybe for various reasons had we met people sooner we wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know them like we did when we first met them and then we would have missed the chance for them to have the place that they hold in our lives now. If that makes sense. Like I know if I had met some friends that I have sooner we wouldn't have become friends and that would have been terrible. So I'm glad I'm not writing that part of my story either or I would mess it up.

I had another thought but I think this post is done. I don't know your story or where you are in your story but even if it looks a little rough around the edges just remember so does a diamond at first. And no matter how much you may think your story isn't going to end well or make a difference please know that your story is very important and matters and the very next page may just have that dream that you have been waiting so long for. Shall we all keep going to see where our stories lead and may they have the most epic stories and best ending ever!

Dreams Come True

I got a lot going through my mind so there really is no rhyme or reason with this just random thoughts I think.

I always say you never meet anyone by chance or for no particular reason even if it's that person in passing that smiles at you - funny isn't it how just a simple acknowledgement of hey I see you and a little smile can help brighten a day. So I recently got to go on a dream road trip and had a couple of those meeting random people moments. One time we had to stop for gas in California and this lady God bless her said she thought I was in high school (I'll take looking that much younger than I am but thank God I am not in high school once was torture enough). Then she asked if I liked the arts ( I do, I love so many different aspects of the arts and Lord knows it is my dream to make a living out of doing stuff related to the arts) and I said yeah and she said I could tell. Then she said a couple more things but I noticed on a couple of the things she said she could feel it and/or tell something about me. I have and still am quite backwards and always worry that I come across as snotty, rude, I am better than you type thing when I really am not. So for her to say one of the things she said made me feel a little better and I hope I am the type of person she said. And then she asked one of the people I went on the trip with if I was their daughter. It is no secret I think of her as my mom and she really has and is like a mom to me but I didn't know what the answer may be - but she told the lady I was their adopted daughter. Hand to God you couldn't have given me a better gift ever than to hear that. But the woman said aw that's great or something like that and I thought oh if you knew my story you would realize just how great that really is. Nw for the other one this one happened in Arizona at a little gas station in I have no idea what part of the state we we're in but I was just glad to see a restroom! So fast forward to me paying for a couple of items and the guy working asks how my day has been and I say it's been great and then ask how his day was. To which he replies well he's at work and would rather be anywhere. I mean I realize it was just small talk but even just taking the time to ask how was your day...sometimes that can mean a whole lot whether you see someone that looks like they have had a rough day and maybe they need to talk or someone that looks like they have had a great day and you ask how has their day been and maybe you find out they have got the best news ever and you get to briefly share in their joy. 

So I have mentioned I went on a recent road trip and it really was the best trip I have ever been on. And not all because of the places I got to see. Although I have to say so many dreams came true on this trip. I got to go out west and to the West coast, got to go to several states I had never been to, got to see part of Route 66 (big time dream of mine and we even stayed in a hotel right off of Route 66), got to see the Grand Canyon (which I cried when I was told we was going there - don't judge, it has also been another long time dream),  got to see parts of Yosemite and see the Painted Dessert. For this little ol' quiet girl from the sticks that was a trip that never seemed likely. So I am forever grateful. But can I tell you my absolute favorite part of the trip - being with the people I got to go on the trip with. Tyler Perry once gave the perfect analogy of people in your life and he said everyone in your life is like a part of a tree you got your roots,branches and leaves. Sometimes we try to force and want the leaves kind of people to be roots but they were never meant to be. They are meant to be in your life for a moment and purpose and then leave, the branches people they stay a bit longer and give a bit more support then you have the roots kind of people or the phrase I have taken to use that I heard someone say - those people God knits you together with. God bless those people. Sometimes I think it's easy to take the roots kind of people for granted but hopefully we never do. Really I think  we should be grateful for the leaves and branches too they all help and make the tree (or help make us who we are). Earlier I mentioned if that woman knew my story - see in part of my story I think we believe there are certain people that have to be roots but they aren't supposed to be cause see by who they are they seemingly should be roots and be there but I think God sees that they are better to you as a leaf or a branch. And the really cool part is that when God makes people as a leaf or branch He also brings those roots kind of people in your life. Cause if you ain't got good roots the tree ain't going to live long. And so we got to be careful trying to put people in roots places when they are only supposed to be branches or leaves. And if you are like me try not to push the people that are supposed to be roots cause I sometimes tend to try to push people away. But point, if there is one, is that it may take awhile to meet those roots kind of people but they show up just when you need them and thank God for them cause they help you grow and they help you learn how to deal with those branches and leaf people that sometimes cause trouble and sometimes you just get to go on a once in a lifetime road trip with those roots kind of people and you get to see it's okay to let people in. 

Whether I am I leaf, branch or happen to be a root in someone's tree I hope I am always able to make a positive difference so that I in some little way can help the tree. And I am grateful for those people that have had their part in my tree and story. Whether it's a lady that thought I was still in high school or those that are more like family to me. It's amazing when something as simple as having the right people in your life makes dreams come true.

Yeah but what if...

Buckle up buttercup this could be an interesting or very boring ride - I got about 25 tabs in the old brain opened up today and I came up with that title before I started writing...all systems are good to go keep your hands inside at all times there may be a few bumps along the way but set back and enjoy the ride as best as you can and we thank you for riding with ramblings of a quiet girl on this mighty fine day!

Have you ever noticed that the statement yeah but what if truly has the potential to build up walls or build bridges? You really have to be careful and pay attention on which station you pick that statement up at. Because it can open up doors or build them or it can close them. It can help a dream go a little further or destroy it. Give hope or take it away. Now I don't know maybe you are already thinking she has lost it that makes no sense whatsoever. Can I just tell on myself and maybe explain a little better at what I mean?

Let's just get the negative out of the way first. I am one that will keep people at a distance - work in progress on that one. I, well I like to have control on how far you come in my little bubble and if you start getting close then I freak out. Granted not near to the level I did even this time last year. Now here is where that yeah but what if statement plays havoc on me. It's not that I don't want to let people in or to be close to people - quite the opposite actually. However, there are days that I pick up my buddy yeah but what if on the wall building station. So as an example I have realized that I have let that wall down with a couple people and I'll talk to them and be honest with them about what is going on with me and stuff like that and I had my moment of oh no I am getting comfortable around them I am being myself - that mask I sometimes wear around people is coming off - and I panic and pull into a station to grab a solution. Only problem is I don't pay attention to what station I am at and so I get the not good station and here's what I get. Yeah you've taken a step forward and are letting people in but what if....what if you are bothering them, what if they don't want you around, what if you are interfering with them, and my good frienemy the ever popular what if they leave. You know what all of these statements are - blocks. They are blocks that can be used to build that wall back up. I don't want that wall built back up.

Now here's a bit of how that statement can be used in a positive maybe even encouraging way. So let's say I'm having a not so good day and I picked up some of those blocks thanks to the yeah but what if at the negative station. Here I am already laying the blocks up perhaps someone comes along and says something to me, maybe to even say hey I just wanted to say you have come a really long way or some other encouraging statement. I am just about to put another block down and what they say gets me thinking and I catch another ride to another station. This time I get the positive yeah but what if. Yeah I started building that wall back up and yeah I stumbled and said something I shouldn't have but what if I make that stumble a part of the dance. What if on the things that didn't work out exactly like we planned that we don't give up but have a well okay I know that won't work but what if I try it this way, what if I look at it from this perspective, what if I just ask for help.

I like to go walking on trails, don't get to that often unfortunately, but I enjoy it. Recently I went walking on a trail that whooped my out of shape self - oh but when I got to the destination it was worth every single bit of sweat that was drenching my shirt and helping make sure I had a bad hair day and sore muscle that I was already feeling. I wasn't exaggerating about the out of shape thing! I try to push myself as far as I can before I stop because there was a time that I couldn't have even went a short distance without having to stop just because I was already that pooped and ready to go back. On this trail and safe to say on every trail I have or will ever walk I am going to have to stop. No shame in that. Be it a trail you are walking or a trail you are going through in life. Somedays you just got to rest - who knows while you are resting someone might come along with something to say that will help you or you just might have something to say to help them. On one trail I recently walked I got to this part and there was lots of steps - good gravy if it didn't look like they went on forever - so I stood at the bottom of those steps thinking how am I going to make it up those steps (I got a knee sometimes both that like to remind me they hate climbing steps). Finally I had my right, well this ain't getting me no where so I take that first step and walk. I'd love to say I got up those steps in one take no stops and not even that out of breath and barely broke a sweat. I didn't. I got about half way and had to stop. As I was catching my breath I looked back and thought well I got pretty far before I had to stop then I look forward and thought oh my look how far I got to go. As I was standing there catching my breath I tried to change that first though of oh no look how far I still got to go to look how far you made it you can make it the rest of the way. So I've got my breath now and again I take that first step and this time though it looked forever away to the top of what I had left of those steps wouldn't you know I made it. Oh I forgot to mention see there was this woman and her dog that was walking ahead of me on the trail well she took those stairs and took them fast and didn't have to stop one time and was gone. That in my weird way of thinking is a good example of why you can't judge how fast or far you get in life or a trial. You see some people they face stuff and nip it in the bud and fast while you're still at the bottom of the stair case afraid to take the first step. Now that lady she was in better shape she was more prepared to go up those steps - just like it can be with some trails people face. I don't know what a person has had to go through how their faith or what have you has been exercised to be built up to take this trial or to get them so far. See there are some people that would look at both of us and how we took those stairs and some may say that woman won hands down and I lost big time. I'd say we both won. It's not in how fast you go walking a trail or enduring a trial in life. Starting out great doesn't always equal ending great and as much as I want a great start and to be able to enjoy the ride in between the start and finish a great ending is what I ultimately strive for. I want a well done kind of ending. That is my goal. See that day when I stopped halfway up those steps or that one time that I was halfway up a hill and became a tree hugger as I leaned against a tree to catch my breath I had two choices - actually three. I could say this isn't worth it and I'm just going back or I could say just let me catch my breath and I'll keep going forward or I could have rested there and just stayed there. Resting ain't quitting unless you want it to be. As I have said sometimes we all have to rest, you got to get the food and water be it literal or figurative to help build up what you have lost and give you strength. And some days even after you have rested and started walking forward well some days you just got tel yourself one step at a time baby one step at a time. Don't get so focused on how far you got to go or oh I only made it this far today. Some days that one step is all you needed to take that day, or at least for me some times that one step was like crossing a canyon and that's all I got in me for that day. And don't be in such a hurry - you never know the person that you might meet along the way that y'all can help each other or that stumble and even the rest just might be keeping you from an obstacle that you ain't prepared to properly face and defeat just yet.

Am I always going to pick up my thoughts and such on the right station - nope. Am I going to have days where I rest just a little bit to long until someone comes along and asks hey you coming - yeah to both.

Still may we be careful what station we pick up our own thoughts and where we are picking up the people that we travel this journey with. I am so thankful for the people that have become more like family, they are family and encourage, help and are a positive influence for this ride.

*Rest if you must but don't quit.
*Use those doubts and fears as blocks to build a bridge instead of a wall - that way you get to the other side and drown those doubts and fears too
 *You got this, look how far you have already made - good for you

Every day may not be perfect and I might not gracefully take the steps that I took that day but I want to keep going forward. I didn't come this far to stay here or to go back and if you ever see me start to go back please do not, I repeat do not hesitate to call me out on it or just grab my arm and say nope nothing back there you're destination is this way. We ain't getting out of this thing alive we might as well have each others backs - makes it less lonely and some days we all need a little help and encouragement.

This and that and a whole lot of rambling

I guess the best way to get these thoughts written down is just to write and not over think the flow or if it makes sense. And as always it's a good chance this has been written before - memory she isn't what it used to be - if it ever was good, I can't remember!

A couple or so weekends ago I went walking on some trails this happened to also be a weekend where the heat index was well in the low 100's. To my credit I really didn't know that it was going to be that hot. I found out quick when I started walking except see I'm kind of a weakling at times when it comes to pain and such so I just had a suck it up buttercup and walk. Plus to be honest I don't always have a lot of energy and I've for quite some time not really been physically, emotionally and such able to make myself little alone want to go walking so that day I found enough gumption if you will to go and I was going to make myself walk. Except I pushed myself a little to much. That's kind of got me thinking. I think there is a fine line sometimes with that. In life - it's never a straight path - narrow, curvy, bumpy, mountains and valleys - that I can sell and buy - but I can't the straight and easy path - never trust anyone that tries to sell you that package deal. That day I tried to push myself but I pushed to much. I think there may be a fine line between staying in your comfort zone and pushing yourself to much. And it's that sometimes easy, sometimes road that looks impossible to navigate - that lovely road we call life.

I don't have kids but I've always heard it takes a village to raise a kid - you know what I think - it takes a village to raise us all - adult or child. I had a line from the song Words by Hawk Nelson come to mind today and that was - "Words can build you up, words can break you down. Start a fire or put it out." If I'm honest my words have been breaking me down and putting out the fire. But back to the village thought for a second. My thought process is weird and as fidgety as I often am especially when I am nervous or bored. Close to where I live is Fort Boonesboro and I got thinking about that and how in a fort there is this big wall/fence to protect the people inside. Now generally you got several families in that fort - but see for a long time I built my own little fort and I wouldn't let anyone in. Over the years I have let a few in - at least so far in but I still kept them at a distance. That's not safe though on so many levels. See in a fort you need all the people in the village to help protect and help you survive. When I am in the fort by myself I can't watch out for any attacks of a predator, take care of the garden so I have, make any repairs to the houses or walls, and so many other things. That's to much for one person to do. And then before long the fort and village falls in despair. Now I've had people that will knock on the door and I will or would open the door a little or open the little window in the door so I could talk to them but not let them in. Here's why I say it takes a village no matter how old you are - because one, I believe we meet everyone for a reason and two because those people can help you. Some people we meet and we're just supposed to have that passing meeting with them which can often have a very powerful impact so don't downplay that simple smile, hi or compliment that you feel you need to tell someone in passing. Some people are meant to stay for a season - some a short season and some a long season - a lifetime kind of season - I think those are the people that God knits in your life. All of these people help you, they help make your village stronger and better and they can help make the walk a little bit more bearable on the rough days and more fun on the other days. Because we all have been through something and we all have something to offer. I'm not the best at everything, good at some things and can barely get by on a lot of things. However, in my strengths I can help myself and use that to make the repairs I can in my fort and use it to help make repairs in others forts or villages and in my weaknesses that's when I can go to someone that has been through it or can encourage me. Maybe their one that can till the garden or plant that seed of hope or water that seed of faith that I neglected for so long while I was repairing other things. I don't know if any of this makes sense at all. Maybe you have these kind of people in your life now and maybe you're like me and sometimes keep them at a distance and God bless those ones that still stick around and when you do open that door they are standing there with a smile and open arms. Do you have those people in your life that just talking to them or getting a hug from or just seeing them makes you feel better? Those are awesome people to have in your village. Those ones that will set you straight but will also just be there. And extra bonus if that person is one that knows when it's the right time to do either or both of those.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful the words you say to others and to yourself because those words can easily become the predator that is trying to invade and destroy your village. And be careful who you let in your village not everyone will be there to help you but don't let that cause you to never let anyone in. I can tell you from experience that's not a wise decision. Because if you keep everyone out but let that one in that wasn't there to help well now you're in trouble cause you are having to fight your enemy on your own and you have no unknown strategy or battle plan cause the enemy has seen what he is against. However, if you let others in then when the enemy is unmasked well now you got more people behind you that can lift you up when you fall, encourage when those words are being said and trying to tear you down and put the fire and you got more people that can help come up with battle plans. Cause some of them may have had to fight the same enemy. I'm thankful for the people that God has placed in my village because they have and are helping me in so many ways and it's a lot less lonely now. They are helping make this road more fun to travel.

I get random verses and lines from songs stuck in my head so I often come up with an unintentional new song! As previously mentioned I had that line from the song by Hawk Nelson come to mind and then I had the line I'm on the battlefield for my Lord come to mind - I don't know why and I know it is so random. But with some of the things I have been facing I think I need to be more careful with my words to others and myself because sometimes that becomes a battlefield and what words I use and think can easily determine whether I win or lose.

And I'm a winner. I'm an overcomer. All days aren't going to be perfect but I won't let the bad days win and take over.

Love Broke Through

"Turtles feel your love when you pet their shells. They can't feel your fingers, but love goes through anything."
~ Andrew Watson (Age 9)

I saw this on a page on Facebook. You know sometimes when we grow up we make things so complicated and spend to much time trying to find the perfect advice, to word it just right, or don't ever even say it cause we're afraid of the reaction. That's when you just so happen to stumble across something a nine year old kid said and you think well there you go. It really is that simple isn't it.

I am not the best at accepting or probably even showing love. And can I be honest, sometimes those old fears of rejection and abandonment pop up and I forget the truth and get busy pushing people away and building walls up. Yes I let my fear become bigger than my faith. I lose hope. I focus on the mistake. I feel like a failure. I feel like Peter in the Bible. That moment when he realized he did indeed deny Christ three times and he as soon as that last denial was spoken he heard the rooster crow.

Can you imagine how Peter felt? I think I know all to well. I imagine if you could go back in time and see Peter's face his eyes got big and you could see the realization spread across his face. You could see the fear of oh no what have I done to the remorse and sincere apologies and repentance for what he did. And Peter was immediately forgiven but I don't think Peter forgave himself that easily. And I love how Jesus specifically takes the time and talks to Peter. He assures him that he still loves him, he has been forgiven and yeah you messed up but you're gonna be restored.

I wonder if after the three times Peter denied him he focused so much on those failings and how he had told Jesus that Lord you know I love you I am ready and willing to go to prison and death with you. And if he beat himself over that so much that he forgot what Jesus said to him...And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren ( Luke 22: 31-32). I wonder this because if I focus on my failures and fears I can't hardly hear or remember the truth and I think Peter would have found great encouragement in remembering what Jesus told him.

Jesus never said well I just wasted my time asking you to follow me. He knew what would happen and He prepared Peter without him even realizing it at the time. Peter was so focused on I'll do anything for you Lord, I would never do these things. Yeah Peter about that, never say never. I always say Peter was the first recorded instance of why you should never say never. But I ain't putting Peter down. I've been right there. Now I love two things specifically that Jesus told Peter. One He said he prayed for Peter. He prayed his faith would not fail - now I imagine after his betrayal Peter felt like a failure - that his faith had failed that Jesus would never love him the same, nothing would be the same again with his relationship with Jesus. But Jesus also told him before he even denied him that Peter would be return. He didn't say if, didn't say well if you do his work and this then maybe I mean I may think about it. Nope. He said when. When you return to Me.

And I find great encouragement in that. I have let down God many times. I have let down others. I have gotten scared and tried to push people away. Because I am convinced I have done to much now. Why in the world would God forgive me again? Why would someone be willing to still let me stick around? Love. God loves me. And God has placed people in my life that love me and He placed people that will encourage me, pray for me and hold me accountable that I think will even help me see things without the distorted view I have for so long seen myself and how to walk - now I have he most responsibility to accomplish this I know but sometimes we need help too.

So in John 21 Peter jumps out of the boat to get to the land when they see Jesus there. And in this chapter (verses 15-19) Jesus asks Peter three times do you love me. Now by the time he asks Peter the third time do you love me Peter is hurt. Here I imagine he is remided of the three times he denied Jesus, perhaps shame is reeking big time and maybe the lies are starting to whisper see Jesus doesn't even believe you was truly repentant, you wasn't sorry, you'll just mess up again, you are such a failure. But Peter also I think has a moment of his pride gets taken down too and sometimes we need that. Our pride can hinder us. And he is humbled. So he doesn't answer Jesus like he may have at one point, Lord I love you more than any other. By this third time he says Lord you know all things - Lord can't you see, surely you can see that I love you. Peter is dying to self and finding a deeper love and reliance, a stronger relationship with the Lord.

So what I find very hopeful in all of this is that yeah I mess up. I push people away, I fail at loving people, I let pride get in the way. I fall. A lot. But sometimes I have to fall to get my pride stripped away. To be humbled. To be reminded I am not perfect but I am still loved.

I had this picture in my head last night as I was struggling to go to sleep because I messed up and was really worried I messed up beyond fixing it. And I don't know why I have this image but I picture this flower in a box, wilted down then the box gets open and the flower gets some light and it lifts its head just a bit. Now it's been planted in new ground and a butterfly comes up to it and it lifts its head a little more. What is this creature talking to a wilted, worthless flower like me but the butterfly reminds the flower it is loved and soon the flower is growing and standing tall and the butterfly is still there and they are friends that help each other and remind each other how they matter.

Some days I am the flower. Some days I am the butterfly. Some days you think you messed up to much but love goes through anything - even a turtles shell.

Living on a Prayer

I recently saw a sign on a church that said something along the lines of Is your prayer well done or rare. Now I'm thinking it means when you pray are you really taking the time to pray and talk to God instead of saying okay God I got a minute before I need to check Facebook again here is what I want, umkay bye. However, my mind also went this route. I have a friend who when he orders meat at a restaurant he gets it rare and he tells them that he wants it as pink as they are allowed to serve it. I saw that because when I think rare in this sense I think raw, when I think raw and prayer I think real and honest. To me a rare prayer is going to God and just laying it out there, having a look God you know the truth you know how I really feel about this so let's just be real, I'm having a hard time forgiving this person, I'm having a hard time understanding why I am having to go through this, or I'm just having a rotten day - one of those type of prayers. And if I'm honest when I have one of those prayers one I feel better and I also never can get through one without crying and usually having a well I feel better moments afterwards - like one of those you sigh and are like okay it's not fixed magically now but I can see there is a bigger picture, I may get some peace or joy or comfort. On the other side of me thinking about this when I thought well done, I almost thought of it as well rehearsed. You know we know what to say - those now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep type prayers. Those we spend to much time trying to sound all elegant and dare I say righteous and holy. It can turn into a Pharisee prayer one of those look at me and how well and long I can pray, listen to what words and how many scriptures I can quote in a prayer. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with this type of well done prayer - okay well it shouldn't ever be about look at me - but there's nothing wrong if you want to use elegant words but I think it becomes bad when it's rehearsed and just going through the motions, a prayer that becomes we are afraid to be real and we think we have to say so many of this and so many of that but we never get to the real issue we never take the time to really spend with God or take the time to listen to God. With that being said I never really knew how to pray or what it really was all about - and that is the honest to goodness truth. I still have my moments where I'm just not sure how to pray or I am afraid to be real with God. And some times I think we all have those moments when we pray when we are like that book by Judy Blume, Are You There God, It's Me Margaret. You have prayed and it just doesn't feel like God is there listening no matter what you say or how you say it - but that isn't true. That's just a lie to try to make you feel more isolated and alone. A good tactic to try to fight and destroy a person and to further make them feel hopeless but it's a tactic that you can destroy. Sometimes you got to step back and rework a strategy to combat an attack from the enemy. And that's okay - it's good to mess the enemy up when he thinks you will get destroyed by something but wait when he goes in for the attack you have thrown in your own trick and are there to attack in a way that he didn't see coming. And sometimes you got to go get help and have others to have your back to help you fight, sometimes you get wounded and you need someone to help nurture, encourage, and help you get back to good health and to watch your back while your recuperating. And don't ever feel bad if you can't give a long elegant drawn out prayer because we all pray different. Some days it doesn't take long to say what you need and some days you need to vent!

I was recently reading in the book of Ephesians and I can't recall the chapter or verse off hand  (Chapter 2, maybe) but in that verse it started out with....But God...and I read the commentary and it said something along the lines of those are the two most welcoming words written together in the bible. And I agree. It kind of talks about how people was then it goes into but God still showed mercy and grace and love and forgiveness. I was selfish, prideful, unforgiving, full of hate and hurts and so much more but God still loved me through it all and was waiting for me. It reminds me of the song Amazing Grace - I once was lost but now I am found ---you could even say I once was lost but God found me (and was like the father to the prodigal son was running and excited to see me even in the mess I was in). I recently saw a cartoon depicting Jesus and this person pushing Him away (I can't find it to copy it on here but I believe Dong Haeng is the artist). In it it shows a person hiding behind a cover and curtain type thing and Jesus is saying I want to see you better, I want to see you closer. I love you. In another frame the person is throwing stones at Jesus but Jesus stands there with his hands behind is back just taking it and then the person hides behind a wall and Jesus says, I want to hug you warmly. I wish you would look at Me again, I love you...to which the person stays hid behind the wall and says leave me alone!! It then shows Jesus placing something on the other side of the wall without saying anything and going back and sits down. It is then he says, When you feel better, just lift our head up a little. I will be there. I want to see you. I love you. The person is still hiding behind the wall, head down and next frame it shows Jesus still there. When the person looks up they look into the mirror and see Jesus is indeed still there after all of that and the last frame has - When life is hard, just lift your head up a little because that is when the Lord is closest to you (and speaking from experience I know sometimes it doesn't feel like this but what comfort it is to know or be reminded of it). That illustration hit a little to close to home because that is me. I have done that not only with God but with people too. I think that is another perfect example though of but God - through all of that He was still there. I guess the point is that no matter what your situation is please don't ever give up and your but God could be just around the corner.

Up, Up and Away

An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. - Proverbs 12:25

 Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are getting sent across a bad connection, like trying to talk to someone on the phone with a bad connection so they are cutting in and out and you don't always get to hear the complete sentence....or that I am getting what seems like random frames to what will eventually all be put together and made into a movie. A movie at which one day I will set back and watch and I will realize it is of my life and if you are sitting next to me I'm going to warn you I will hit you and proclaim, "Oh this is a really good part!" (I would daresay I would knock the fire out of you and yes, fire would be pronounced as far but it wouldn't be to purposefully hurt you, I just get excited and I just happen to hit people. Like when you have that good hearty laugh, hit someone and say shut up/get out...what no one else does that?! I am also a fan of the good hearty laugh that doubles you over and you are crying from laughing so much, stomach hurts, can't breath...love that.). That was a long drawn out way of saying I have been having some short random thoughts, images and ideas popping in my head so I thought I would write, I would say write about them but who knows if that will actually happen!

Somehow it is already June which means we're halfway through the year...who finds the skip button for it to already be June but one Monday or the last thirty minutes of work can feel like it is five years long. I've often heard of people finding a word or theme for the new year when it starts, I've never really done that, but I admire that people do that. I have however noticed that quite often throughout the year certain words, phrases or themes seem to pop up a lot. Maybe it's the procrastinator in me and my words just show up at the last minute when I need them! I recently got to take a short trip and see the ocean and I was standing at the edge as the waves and tide would come in and the waves would hit me. Some of the waves would look like they was going to be massive and strong when they was a little further out but by the time they got to me they wasn't bad at all and some took me by surprise and there was some waves that would almost curve and swoop over towards me even though they had started out on the opposite side of where I was standing. At one point I standing and a wave, actually several, took me by surprise and was more stronger than I had planned on, actually I wasn't prepared at all for it and it knocked me back and I was losing my footing. I stumbled around and back as more waves were coming at me but I somehow managed to stay standing and ultimately got my balance back. I say that to say that those waves are kind of like life. As I was standing there watching and listening to the waves sometimes I got caught up and trying to determine how big and strong a wave may be and so focused on a certain wave that I missed another one that almost knocked me down and if I wasn't careful I was so focused on what could go wrong or afraid I would be knocked down I forgot to just be in the moment and enjoy the view and the sounds of the waves. Life is like that sometimes we can get so focused on worrying about what could go wrong or wow that problem looks huge from afar I better run back to shore only to find out it was barely a ripple by the time it got to you. Or we get so focused on how many waves or problems or how far you have to go that you don't enjoy the beautiful surroundings and the people that are in your life. To use a phrase that someone has been telling me a lot don't worry, be happy. Because when I just took the time and looked at all of the waves and just let the sound calm me instead of intimidate or worry me I realized I was actually not only better prepared for the waves, I was enjoying all of it. I was living and that's what I want to do. I want to have fun, be joyful and live. Be happy.

Earlier I mentioned words and themes and sometimes I think I have the same words and themes play and I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing and to be honest sometimes it just takes me awhile to get it. If I was to make a current list of those words or themes I think mine would be: Trust, Do Not Fear, Be Strong and Courageous, Patience, and It's Your Time. And I think this may be my most favorite list so far in my life. This is the part of the movie that if you are sitting next to me I would probably hit you! I'm fairly certain I have wrote several times that trust does not come easy to me, I have and to some degree still struggle with trusting God, others and even myself but I am doing better. I struggle with asking for help too and I am learning to do that but see when I'm going through things I many times try to fight it all by myself. Recently I had a bit of a battle going on in my head with some lies and doubts and fears and I am fortunate to have a few people that I can go to and talk and a couple that I feel comfortable enough to go to and just be honest. Well during this particular little battle I thought I needed to talk but I had this thought that no, you can't tell them that, they'll think you are crazy and they are getting tired of dealing with you if you keep going to them they are going to leave. Some days I believe this and just try to hide away but I'm getting better at thinking one yes this could be true and how it ends up or this is just a lie that is trying to isolate me from others and I will fight it and have my well let's just see which one is right and I will talk to the person/people. Thus far can I just tell you the record is that thought is a lie. Every. Single. Time. Big ol' lie. Do not fear and be strong and courageous kind of go together. I struggle to have any kind of confidence in myself little alone God and others. And I have a lot of fears but I have and am conquering them. I recently got a letter and in it the person mentioned a hot air balloon. Now all of my life I would dream of flying to escape, growing up and even well into my adult life I would hide within myself and I would wish I could just fly away, to soar above it all for that brief moment of peace. So I find it kind of funny because in the last couple of years it started out as someone telling me that God was saying it was time to move forward and though I may be like a train with a heavy load starting out it's slow moving forward but it's moving and I feel like that's me. Then in the past year a butterfly and now a hot air balloon has been mentioned. I think it's time to fly. The person that mentioned the hot air balloon, one knows nothing at all about my story and in part they mentioned that it was time to dump the sand bags that hold the balloon down and it's time to soar above the circumstances that have basically been holding me back. And I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant cause I don't mean it that way at all but I think in many ways I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and I also feel the themes of, well actually all of the phrases ties in to relying on God - always trust God, do not fear cause God is always with me, Be strong and courageous cause God is by my side, Be patient because God is working everything out and it's time to take back what was stolen and live. And I guess that basically covers all of my words because I am not always the most patient person but I am learning and I really feel that it's my time. It's time for this quiet rambling girl to discard the sandbags of lies so I can soar in my hot air balloon and take back what I for so long believed I never ever deserved or would get. And not only that but to stop worrying and be in the moment and love and just have those fun times with the people that God has placed in my life. I again struggle with that...I can't quite grasp or maybe even accept fully that God would care enough to put these people in my life - I tend to always say God is playing a cruel joke on them but am learning and realizing that's not true. I can tell you what is true - that God has placed some amazing people in my life and they not only are great friends but many knowingly or not are like family and some have stepped up in major ways and are more like a parent or some I feel like they are more like a sibling. And I'm grateful for each of them and for the patience they have to deal with me! A couple years or so ago I wrote a poem that I called Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope and so often it seems when one conquers a lie, doubt or fear that there is that moment of celebration but the fear, lie and doubt of you really didn't win this, it's going to come back is right there whispering. I'm finally learning I have the power to fight back and I can win that fight. It might not be an easily won fight or a fight I win in one day or the first round but I'm not going to quit fighting because I'm going to soar. And it's okay and way past time to let others in and not be afraid to love them and let them love me and be there for me and just to have those days where we can laugh and have fun as well as those days where we can just be there for each other. I am still a somewhat work in progress on how to do that but I am getting there, because I've spent enough time worrying about those waves, it's time to be happy.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

 Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding^. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 5-6

But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40"31