Set backs, or sit downs as I sometimes like to call them because sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed and 'sit down.' Problem with me sitting down is I can stay there to long and there's not good company at these sit downs. Nope, not at all because fears, lies and doubts are the 'friends' at these sit downs. But you got to give it to them they sure know how to talk the talk. Make a lie sound good and if you ain't careful you're about ready to pay for that ocean front property in Arizona and forget all the truths you have known. I've found myself in a sit down moment. However, I'm getting up scooting that chair I was sitting in back under the table of lies and walking, no I'm running away. These lies, well see some people tell themselves a lie so much they'll believe it's true because it's the only way they can deal with what they did or their part in it and some people have some things happen to them and they believe the lies that they have no worth, that what happened is their fault and they build walls up and push people away. In some ways maybe we all fit in both categories. I'm not here to play the blame game because who did what and why they did what they did, well sometimes you'll never get the true answer of that and that's okay because that's not my whole story, it's not my whole puzzle. Good thing to because it's not my favorite part...hmmm, random thought but you know we all have a part of our puzzle we don't want people to see cause we think it's ugly, a part we just can't understand why it happened, we can't see how it fits. Maybe these are our most important pieces not because you deserved or it was good that you went through the struggle but 1) you made it, you survived that struggle that you thought was going to end you. 2) maybe you'll have a just so happen encounter with someone or several someones that you'll find out are going through something similar to you or have gone through it too and you can help them. And sometimes, because I don't think we fully realize sometimes the effects something we have gone through has had on us, we meet people that will help us. They may or may not have gone through a similar situation, sometimes I think you just need someone that is there to help you see the truth of who you are and help you move forward and sometimes you do need someone to say I understand or even if they don't have the perfect answer just knowing you aren't in this alone is such a huge help. I try to do things alone way to much to be honest, I hide it's what I do, not wise, like seriously please don't do that. I'll tell you why because when you hide that's when those sneaky little lies come out of hiding in the shadows. And if you're not careful you'll hide more and more until you start to believe you'll never get out of the dark that you're so far from the light (just another lie). So I don't know what you have gone through or what you're going through, or even what lies you face because of something that happened to you. I don't have a perfect solution of how to face the lies or that will make it 100% better for the rest of your life at the snap of your fingers. I am figuring some things on how to deal with it. You know I've said it countless times but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and I think I'm slowly understanding some reasons or getting a clearer view of the truth. Because maybe the why isn't important but knowing and getting the truth of who I am is what is important. Who I am isn't all of in my name and who is in my blood line which is interesting to find out for sure. But for me what is important is knowing that I am a child of God and that He loves me and I am important to Him my imperfections, slip ups, set backs and all. Now if you believe in God and this is also a struggle for you to completely comprehend it is my sincerest prayer and hope that you and I both 100% get the truth of that. If you're still reading I would like to add that though I have no perfect no fail course to get through these things again I have to say please, please don't try to go it alone. I sincerely hope you have at least one person you can confide in and will help you (I'll listen if you don't have anyone) and of course if you have faith believe in God by all means pray too. Speaking from experience I know sometimes it's difficult to pray when the lies get to loud so again I hope you have someone you can go to and ask them to pray for/with you. I know that can be difficult to do, Lord knows I am unbelievably private, several people that know me barely have the surface story of some of my life and there's a couple that probably wish they only knew that much because somehow I have gotten just comfortable enough to let them in and I'll talk to them. As I stated earlier sometimes people lie to themselves so they can deal with what they did but sometimes we hear lies (you're unworthy, you're a terrible person for so and so to leave, God doesn't love you, you'll never get through this just give up...etc.) those lies well I am fairly convinced that those are the lies of someone that is afraid that when you realize the truth watch out because you are worthy, you are a great person that God loves and you will get through this and on the other side of the lies you're gonna fly and oh the things that you will accomplish. Lastly, I just want to share a few things I stumbled across the last couple of days that have showed up at the right time to help me get a glimpse of the lies I had started to surround myself with and that have reminded me that I don't have to ride this ride alone. So even if it feels like it's over it's not, because you are important and are worth so very much so no matter how quiet the voice of truth may sound right now focus everything you have on that and I don't care how small a step someone may say you have taken and it won't help take that step anyway because the light and truth may be in that very next step.
God sends people into our lives for many reasons, and in many cases, it is in response to a need we have — whether it’s now, or yet to come. No relationship happens in the Kingdom of God by circumstance or without reason, whether it’s to provide friendship, help us through a season of difficulty, provide wisdom or inspire us to stand strong in our faith when we feel weak and unsure.
- from Proverbs 31 Ministries, Godly Friends, Godly Wisdom devotion
Life is full of disappointments, failures and setbacks. None of those things can permanently stop you. You have the power in you to overcome anything that life throws at you. There is nothing as powerful as a mind made up. Surround yourself with people who remind you that you matter, and support you in the ways that matter most to you. No person, situation, or circumstance can define who you are. Don't give up or stop believing that it's possible. It's not over until you win...whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Facing My Giants
I have no idea why I am writing this or what exactly I am even about to write so forgive the randomness and whatever else may follow. This is going to possibly end up like a preview of my now traditional year in review post but enough speculating where this is going to go let's just see where it does go.
This time of year is quite difficult for a lot of people, they miss loved ones that are no longer here with them and/or people just feel especially alone and that they don't matter around the holidays. I have struggled with this time of year since 2002 when my grandma passed away, never quite got over it. I was thinking about that today and I've seen a lot of items with cardinals on them, now usually this will have me almost in tears and just such sorrow and sadness while I think of my grandma. But this year, thank God something has happened and this year I'm facing some giants. The other day I saw a cardinal figurine and I had 'Aww, maw-maw would have loved that.' and normally this is where it would just go downhill but I have peace and I finally know that she's in a better place and one day I will see her again and after 14 years I finally got the goodbye that I didn't get that fateful morning of January 30, 2002. So one stone knocked down the giant of sorrow that I had felt for so many years with that and thank God I was able to have a way to face that giant and conquer it. I'll always miss my grandma and will no doubt catch myself wanting to go tell her something but until the day I get to see her again I have wonderful memories of her and I forever will have the dream I had with her in it after she passed away and she looked so young and healthy and had her voice again and when she turned around and saw me she said, 'Where have you been? I've been waiting for you.' Oh, maw-maw I've been facing some giants and tearing down some walls and have found some great friends that are helping me run this race.
Sticking with the facing giants and running a race theme I don't know if you have ever read this poem called Undo Me (or Lord Undo Me) by Blake Williams, if not you should read the whole thing it is really good. In part of this poem it states: break down these walls that I love so much No, wait don’t, I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this don’t But I can’t live this way anymore I can’t stand here in this half-life this going through the motions life this not really alive life Father, I need you so come in and do what you must...I heard this read on K-LOVE a little while back and when it got to this part me being apparently ridiculously emotional got teary eyed and said that's me God.At some point this whole poem has been me but this particular time I'm mostly in that part of Lord break these walls down and then freaking out when the walls do start to come down and think No God don't take the walls what will happen I don't know if I can face what is on the other side of the wall. And to be perfectly honest I think these walls are my absolute biggest giants that I have/am facing. Because you see in my house that I built the walls were built, insulated and painted with lies and fears. Some will tell you it doesn't matter what kind of materials you use to build a house, or in this case build your life and what you have in your heart. It does. For a long time in my house I had built the walls, had very few windows and only one door all built on lies and fears and all along thinking I had the best protection from storms of life and from being hurt but that was wrong. So I've been doing some major remodeling thank God. Now over the years I've thought I've done some remodeling and it was just enough to quiet the lies really but this time, well this time I've really knocked some walls down and have been adding some windows and doors. I have also had moments where I've tried to build the walls back up and block the windows and doors I added. Now some will read this and say I am a complete failure at one point I would have 100% agreed with that. However, I am learning in this remodeling that it doesn't happen over night especially with how much I have to remodel. Also that is just a major lie and generally in the midst of these lies I have learned and gotten so much better at hearing the still small voice that is whispering the truth. The truth that I will make it, to just take one more step. to remove just one more small piece of that wall because there is no giant on the other side of that wall there is so much more. It was put to me this way by someone recently that when the walls are gone that there can be more good things that can take its place like more of Gods' presence, more love and more friends (and if you happen to be reading this a huge thank you as always because it was something I needed to hear and/or be reminded of). Thankfully I really have been able to knock down a lot of walls and for the most part keep them completely down. I find myself facing the big wall now and part of me really does just want to have a nope this isn't ever coming down moment but I look back and around at what I've been able to do just this year alone and I know that there will be some amazing things that can and will happen when this last wall comes down. And I know for me it can all be a bit overwhelming and quite often I will just go in circles, I've never been part of a real life house model but this kind of remodel sometimes feels like I am over budget and can't even afford to finish tearing the walls down. But I can and I will. I ain't saying it's going to be a pretty or easy remodel but I am saying I've come to far, I have to much to do and I am worthy enough to have the foundation and rooms built of truth.
Now this brings me to my next to last thought and that is about a race, particularly at the starting line waiting for the sound that it's time to go and start the race. The other day as I was taking a bit of a break and pacing the floor to try to sort through some thoughts something came to mind. I feel like I am at the starting line of a race, what kind of race I don't know but I think it's a big one. Now usually when I feel like this or even when I'm trying to tear those walls down if things go a bit slower than I think they should be or whatever of the many number of scenarios one could write here I'll start having doubts and fears and such. But this race it is different. Sure those things still try to find their way but this just feels different. It's like in the waiting I am being prepared and growing so that when I do hear the sound that gives me the go ahead to run the race I will be prepared to face the obstacles and to finish the race and not saying finish the race in first place because that's not what is important, not to me anyway. What I place in the race is such a small part for me what matters is I finish, I cross that line. And it may not be easy I don't know but while I wait for this race to start I'm going to do some remodeling and face some giants.
Lastly, I'm including a poem I recently wrote and it starts out I have a story to be told and I do and that story will somehow serve a purpose and maybe one day I can feel that it is okay to share more of that story here but until that day, I'll share the bits and pieces that I think is time to share. Whatever giant you are facing, wherever you may be in remodeling, or if you are waiting to start a race of your own may you never give up and always remember that you are worthy and matter and no matter how small a step or piece of wall you take down it's still moving forward and go you for moving forward.
Facing My Giants
By: April Donahue
11/13/16
I have a story to be told
But not one I would have chose
Full of twists and turns
Even a lesson or two was learned
Fears tried to turn out the light
While I held on for dear life
Not always quite sure what to do
As lies try to block my view
Telling me I have to many scars
And that I've gone to far
Keeping me from seeing my worth
The truth it didn't want me to unearth
To many, they'll see broken
But to God I am chosen
I wear brand new clothes
Made of forgiveness, peace and hope
Because I will face my giants
Like David did Goliath
Not with a spear or sword
But in the name of the Lord
This time of year is quite difficult for a lot of people, they miss loved ones that are no longer here with them and/or people just feel especially alone and that they don't matter around the holidays. I have struggled with this time of year since 2002 when my grandma passed away, never quite got over it. I was thinking about that today and I've seen a lot of items with cardinals on them, now usually this will have me almost in tears and just such sorrow and sadness while I think of my grandma. But this year, thank God something has happened and this year I'm facing some giants. The other day I saw a cardinal figurine and I had 'Aww, maw-maw would have loved that.' and normally this is where it would just go downhill but I have peace and I finally know that she's in a better place and one day I will see her again and after 14 years I finally got the goodbye that I didn't get that fateful morning of January 30, 2002. So one stone knocked down the giant of sorrow that I had felt for so many years with that and thank God I was able to have a way to face that giant and conquer it. I'll always miss my grandma and will no doubt catch myself wanting to go tell her something but until the day I get to see her again I have wonderful memories of her and I forever will have the dream I had with her in it after she passed away and she looked so young and healthy and had her voice again and when she turned around and saw me she said, 'Where have you been? I've been waiting for you.' Oh, maw-maw I've been facing some giants and tearing down some walls and have found some great friends that are helping me run this race.
Sticking with the facing giants and running a race theme I don't know if you have ever read this poem called Undo Me (or Lord Undo Me) by Blake Williams, if not you should read the whole thing it is really good. In part of this poem it states: break down these walls that I love so much No, wait don’t, I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this don’t But I can’t live this way anymore I can’t stand here in this half-life this going through the motions life this not really alive life Father, I need you so come in and do what you must...I heard this read on K-LOVE a little while back and when it got to this part me being apparently ridiculously emotional got teary eyed and said that's me God.At some point this whole poem has been me but this particular time I'm mostly in that part of Lord break these walls down and then freaking out when the walls do start to come down and think No God don't take the walls what will happen I don't know if I can face what is on the other side of the wall. And to be perfectly honest I think these walls are my absolute biggest giants that I have/am facing. Because you see in my house that I built the walls were built, insulated and painted with lies and fears. Some will tell you it doesn't matter what kind of materials you use to build a house, or in this case build your life and what you have in your heart. It does. For a long time in my house I had built the walls, had very few windows and only one door all built on lies and fears and all along thinking I had the best protection from storms of life and from being hurt but that was wrong. So I've been doing some major remodeling thank God. Now over the years I've thought I've done some remodeling and it was just enough to quiet the lies really but this time, well this time I've really knocked some walls down and have been adding some windows and doors. I have also had moments where I've tried to build the walls back up and block the windows and doors I added. Now some will read this and say I am a complete failure at one point I would have 100% agreed with that. However, I am learning in this remodeling that it doesn't happen over night especially with how much I have to remodel. Also that is just a major lie and generally in the midst of these lies I have learned and gotten so much better at hearing the still small voice that is whispering the truth. The truth that I will make it, to just take one more step. to remove just one more small piece of that wall because there is no giant on the other side of that wall there is so much more. It was put to me this way by someone recently that when the walls are gone that there can be more good things that can take its place like more of Gods' presence, more love and more friends (and if you happen to be reading this a huge thank you as always because it was something I needed to hear and/or be reminded of). Thankfully I really have been able to knock down a lot of walls and for the most part keep them completely down. I find myself facing the big wall now and part of me really does just want to have a nope this isn't ever coming down moment but I look back and around at what I've been able to do just this year alone and I know that there will be some amazing things that can and will happen when this last wall comes down. And I know for me it can all be a bit overwhelming and quite often I will just go in circles, I've never been part of a real life house model but this kind of remodel sometimes feels like I am over budget and can't even afford to finish tearing the walls down. But I can and I will. I ain't saying it's going to be a pretty or easy remodel but I am saying I've come to far, I have to much to do and I am worthy enough to have the foundation and rooms built of truth.
Now this brings me to my next to last thought and that is about a race, particularly at the starting line waiting for the sound that it's time to go and start the race. The other day as I was taking a bit of a break and pacing the floor to try to sort through some thoughts something came to mind. I feel like I am at the starting line of a race, what kind of race I don't know but I think it's a big one. Now usually when I feel like this or even when I'm trying to tear those walls down if things go a bit slower than I think they should be or whatever of the many number of scenarios one could write here I'll start having doubts and fears and such. But this race it is different. Sure those things still try to find their way but this just feels different. It's like in the waiting I am being prepared and growing so that when I do hear the sound that gives me the go ahead to run the race I will be prepared to face the obstacles and to finish the race and not saying finish the race in first place because that's not what is important, not to me anyway. What I place in the race is such a small part for me what matters is I finish, I cross that line. And it may not be easy I don't know but while I wait for this race to start I'm going to do some remodeling and face some giants.
Lastly, I'm including a poem I recently wrote and it starts out I have a story to be told and I do and that story will somehow serve a purpose and maybe one day I can feel that it is okay to share more of that story here but until that day, I'll share the bits and pieces that I think is time to share. Whatever giant you are facing, wherever you may be in remodeling, or if you are waiting to start a race of your own may you never give up and always remember that you are worthy and matter and no matter how small a step or piece of wall you take down it's still moving forward and go you for moving forward.
Facing My Giants
By: April Donahue
11/13/16
I have a story to be told
But not one I would have chose
Full of twists and turns
Even a lesson or two was learned
Fears tried to turn out the light
While I held on for dear life
Not always quite sure what to do
As lies try to block my view
Telling me I have to many scars
And that I've gone to far
Keeping me from seeing my worth
The truth it didn't want me to unearth
To many, they'll see broken
But to God I am chosen
I wear brand new clothes
Made of forgiveness, peace and hope
Because I will face my giants
Like David did Goliath
Not with a spear or sword
But in the name of the Lord
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Broken But Still Worthy
Bare with me if we're friends on Facebook you've seen part of this but I felt I needed to write more on it. If you've not read any of it yet still bare with me I had it in my head while driving on 68 how I wanted to write it but that's been a few hours ago now. Shall we begin?
This morning I dropped my phone for the who knows what number time now. This morning that fall put a crack on the screen of my phone to go along with the other crack that is in the upper left hand corner and the chips all around the edge of the phone. Yes, I am that clumsy. No worries it's not a fancy schmancy phone but I really do still try to take care of it. Now most would look at my phone and say it's ruined and ask when I was going to get another one. I'm learning a lot from this broken screen. By all accounts this phone shouldn't work it should be discarded but the phone does still work and it serves its purpose. Though it's broken it can definitely still be used. People are like that too. Somehow people will see others and how they are broken and count them out. You know what's bad is when we look at ourselves and see broken and unworthy, believing the lie we can never be used again (loved, whole, free, etc.). I can only speak for myself but maybe you can relate. I have spent most of my life thinking I was broken and unworthy. And I was broken and that's okay because broken pieces can be put back together, broken pieces can still be a masterpiece. What wasn't okay is believing the lie that I was/am unworthy and that I was unworthy because I was broken or not perfect. As I've stated I'm clumsy and growing up I had a little tea set, you guessed it, I broke the little plate the tea set sat on. It was glued back together but there was this little crack you could forever see on that plate. To most it wasn't perfect anymore, it was flawed, broken, unworthy. And to be honest I felt terrible every time I saw that plate (I guess it would be more like the tray) but now thinking about it that tray still served its purpose, it just had an added story to tell thanks to that place where it was put back together. I have some places where I've been put back together again, I have some places that I'm working on and/or still need to work on getting the pieces glued back together again. I spent most of my life either pretending I had the pieces together or putting them back together with lies (that whole unworthy, using fears as the glue, just trying to act perfect) but that glue hides the masterpiece it doesn't let the right light shine out from you or the right light in, it doesn't protect or hold you together like you are meant to be. There's a line from the song Loving My Jesus by Casting Crowns that states, 'sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside cause no one will understand...' That's the kind of glue I have used most of my life, still do sometimes if I'm honest. Later on in the song it stated, '...truth that has set me free is that I'm just a broken man...' And in the song it talks about showing his scars. It's funny to me that if we fall and get a scar we show it like a badge of honor but the scars we have from our own mistakes or that were caused by others we hide them. We think those make us to broken to ever be fixed, put back together again, usable again, we think we are forever unworthy now but that's a lie. There's a quote that states even a broken crayon can still color. The things that broke you, the things that broke me they may have tried to destroy us, may still be trying to destroy us but it doesn't make us unworthy. It makes us stronger and will help us help others. It's not easy and it takes help (and above all else God) to get the pieces put back together, for some pieces to even be found again. I'm thankful I'm getting my pieces put back together, I'm thankful for what some may see as cracks in my pieces put back together and some may even only see broken but I see so much more. I see someone that held on to hope when I thought for sure I had no hope or faith left. I see someone that tries to hide behind walls but there are people and God that sees someone that matters and tries to help tear the walls down. I see an imperfect person that is loved and forgiven by a perfect God. I see someone that is broken and may have a few scars and cracks but is still worthy. And if you're reading this I hope you know and always remember that no matter how broken you or the world says you are that you matter, you are important and you are worthy.
This morning I dropped my phone for the who knows what number time now. This morning that fall put a crack on the screen of my phone to go along with the other crack that is in the upper left hand corner and the chips all around the edge of the phone. Yes, I am that clumsy. No worries it's not a fancy schmancy phone but I really do still try to take care of it. Now most would look at my phone and say it's ruined and ask when I was going to get another one. I'm learning a lot from this broken screen. By all accounts this phone shouldn't work it should be discarded but the phone does still work and it serves its purpose. Though it's broken it can definitely still be used. People are like that too. Somehow people will see others and how they are broken and count them out. You know what's bad is when we look at ourselves and see broken and unworthy, believing the lie we can never be used again (loved, whole, free, etc.). I can only speak for myself but maybe you can relate. I have spent most of my life thinking I was broken and unworthy. And I was broken and that's okay because broken pieces can be put back together, broken pieces can still be a masterpiece. What wasn't okay is believing the lie that I was/am unworthy and that I was unworthy because I was broken or not perfect. As I've stated I'm clumsy and growing up I had a little tea set, you guessed it, I broke the little plate the tea set sat on. It was glued back together but there was this little crack you could forever see on that plate. To most it wasn't perfect anymore, it was flawed, broken, unworthy. And to be honest I felt terrible every time I saw that plate (I guess it would be more like the tray) but now thinking about it that tray still served its purpose, it just had an added story to tell thanks to that place where it was put back together. I have some places where I've been put back together again, I have some places that I'm working on and/or still need to work on getting the pieces glued back together again. I spent most of my life either pretending I had the pieces together or putting them back together with lies (that whole unworthy, using fears as the glue, just trying to act perfect) but that glue hides the masterpiece it doesn't let the right light shine out from you or the right light in, it doesn't protect or hold you together like you are meant to be. There's a line from the song Loving My Jesus by Casting Crowns that states, 'sin tries to make you hide whispers that same old lie keep all your pain inside cause no one will understand...' That's the kind of glue I have used most of my life, still do sometimes if I'm honest. Later on in the song it stated, '...truth that has set me free is that I'm just a broken man...' And in the song it talks about showing his scars. It's funny to me that if we fall and get a scar we show it like a badge of honor but the scars we have from our own mistakes or that were caused by others we hide them. We think those make us to broken to ever be fixed, put back together again, usable again, we think we are forever unworthy now but that's a lie. There's a quote that states even a broken crayon can still color. The things that broke you, the things that broke me they may have tried to destroy us, may still be trying to destroy us but it doesn't make us unworthy. It makes us stronger and will help us help others. It's not easy and it takes help (and above all else God) to get the pieces put back together, for some pieces to even be found again. I'm thankful I'm getting my pieces put back together, I'm thankful for what some may see as cracks in my pieces put back together and some may even only see broken but I see so much more. I see someone that held on to hope when I thought for sure I had no hope or faith left. I see someone that tries to hide behind walls but there are people and God that sees someone that matters and tries to help tear the walls down. I see an imperfect person that is loved and forgiven by a perfect God. I see someone that is broken and may have a few scars and cracks but is still worthy. And if you're reading this I hope you know and always remember that no matter how broken you or the world says you are that you matter, you are important and you are worthy.
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