I can't sleep. I have way to much on my mind with way to many tabs open in my brain. So here I am writing. Rambling. It's probably a repeat rambling too. Not even sure why I am sharing this one but I got it all wrote out so I guess I might as well. I've been slacking on writing anyway so at least it will be something.
You know how people often say if I could go back I would change so and so decision that I made or something like that? I got thinking about that tonight, actually been thinking about that for a while. I don't ever under any circumstances want to go back even if it ever did become possible. Nope, don't you dare make me. I would however send a letter to younger me if possible just cause younger me likes to get letters/cards too and I might would pay attention to that. I would specifically like to have a letter sent to me at six years old and 17 years old. Each one would be slightly different.
For example the letter to six year old me would go something like this:
Dear April,
I know you don't really understand what is going on right now and are trying to figure it out to make some kind of sense. It will never make perfect sense and that's going to be okay and you know what so are you. I need you to remember that God doesn't hate you and is in fact with you and is going to get you through some pretty rough nights and moments - it just may take you many years to fully understand this. Please remember that it is going to be okay and you are tough, you will make it through this.
Sincerely,
You wouldn't believe me if I told you
Then at 17 years old my letter would go something like this:
Dear April,
Congratulations you have made it to your senior year of high school almost survived. That's awesome, I hope you are proud of yourself because you should be. I need to give you a little warning it's going to be a difficult year for you but please remember you are strong, so much stronger then you give yourself credit for. For many, many years, potentially for the rest of your life you are going to think of your senior year as the worst year of your life because you see for three months you will see your grandma fight her hardest fight against cancer and she gave it her all but from this side it looks like the cancer won and you are going to have to say see you later to your grandma - I won't lie it's going to be the hardest thing you will have to do. I'm going to warn you too that at this time you are going to have to fight really, really hard cause you will have some massive lies and fears coming your way and it will even look like they are going to win but you hold on okay, hold on with everything you got because although the lies are going to say just give up, you would be better off dead you have some awesome things to look forward to. Can I tell you a few things? By now you have fought really hard with feeling alone and that you aren't worthy and that you don't matter - keep fighting against those lies and fears. Because you aren't alone God is always there with you (it's true and one day you do start to fully grasp this) and on top of that God is going to send some amazing people in your life. Please always remember that you are an overcomer and you will overcome these battles that have and will try to destroy you, you are going to accomplish some goals that you never even dreamed of because you was to afraid to, you're going to fall and that's okay because you're going to get back up each time, you're going to cry a lot I will just let you know now you are a crier but that's okay, you may want to get used to people saying you are quiet and always be ready to spell your last name. Now by now you have got some really high walls built up it's going to be awhile longer but you will get to tear those walls down - it's a good thing, I promise. In a few months you're going to be really angry with God and think you aren't going to ever have anyone in your life to even get a hug from and feel really alone but I promise it gets better. You are going to meet someone that will take you under their wings and help you a lot, they will become more like family. And you are going to get to meet some cousins that will also help you tremendously. Now it's going to be an interesting roller coaster of a ride one that you will wish for it to permanently stop a few times. Keep fighting here okay. And you even get to talk to your brother, I know you won't believe it when it happens either. As I write this that's about all I know of that but it's a major step forward. Now, are you still wondering about the question you have been asking since you was six? I know you are and can I tell you the answer - yes...yes you will get to know what it is like to have a mother's love and influence and God will even send someone that you get to call mom and you are going to meet people that will adopt you into their family and come to mean so very much to you. See you got so very much ahead of you, more than I even realize as I write this to send to you. So it's going to be difficult but you are strong and you will hang in there and fight like hell to overcome it. Because you got a story to share one that though you don't think it matters it is going to - it always has and it always will. You may not see it now and it may take a long time but you're going to laugh like you ain't laughed and you're going to get a lot of hugs and even get to where you can give hugs. So you keep fighting because you are going to do some amazing things. Don't you ever give up okay?
Sincerely,
You still wouldn't believe me if I told you.
I guess that's why we can't go back or send letters because we wouldn't believe what we told our younger selves at all, at least I wouldn't. But you know I am glad I can take a quick trip and look back at how far I have made it. I may still have a lot to work on but thank God I am not where I used to be. And I am so thankful for the people that are in my life that have and continue to be there for me and help me. I'm so glad I am realizing it's okay to let people in. I'm thankful for the scars and the wear and tear from carrying loads that we're never mine to carry because though it has been and some days continues to be a hard fight it is also a reminder that I am stronger then I think and I am a fighter. No I'm a warrior. And though the giant has thought he has defeated me for good several times I will not quit, I will not give up, I will have the victory.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Finding My Song
I had a couple paragraphs written out, thought I was finally getting what I needed to write out. I was wrong. I was writing, yes, even had it flowing and sounding pretty but I don't need this post to be pretty or the words to flow and say what I think whoever may read this would want to read. I just need to be honest. I just need to have my many grammatical errors and my hillbilly talk. I just need to find my song and that's what I'm going to try to do.
The previous paragraph has been sitting in draft form for a long time and to be honest I'm still not sure how or what to write but let's see what song I can come up with. I'm going to start by sharing some lyrics for a song that I recommend you look up and listen to, titled Scars by I Am They:
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use
So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore...
Physical scars are easier to get over, they heal and all you have is the scar to remind you of whatever happened to cause the scar (generally, physically scars can hurt too). Emotional scars, those can be very painful scars that can take a very long time to heal from - but you can heal from them - will it be easy each time, possibly not but there is healing. May I be a small voice of reasoning in case those emotional scars have caused the lies of you will not be this, you don't deserve happiness, this is your fault, etc of lies that are swirling in your mind. Every single one of those are lies, you are worthy, you deserve happiness and you will be happy, and a lot of times we are carrying loads that were never, ever ours to carry. If you are carrying one of those loads may I encourage you to lay it down, you've carried it long enough. If you can't lay it down right away please find someone to help you lay it down or at the very least help you carry it until you can lay it down. See that voice doesn't want you to hear your true song.
Last night as I was driving home I was listening to a song, I didn't know all of the lyrics to it but the ones I knew I would sing out (not really sing - be glad to never hear me sing, it's more of a noise!). It got me thinking. See I've been struggling with some fears that stem from some emotional scars and baggage that I have carried. I'll tell you three of them: scared beyond measure that things were going to happen and some people would leave and not be in my life anymore, that there was no way people could see me as their family or even why would they want me to be a part of their lives, and that I didn't deserve that and those people. LIE, LIE and another big old LIE. As I was listening to this song last night and I only knew parts of the lyrics I thought it's kind of like our own songs if you will. So often life gives us songs that were never meant to be on our playlists and we believe they have to stay and we even start to believe the lyrics that spew out nothing but lies of who we are. There are some parts of the emotional scars that are easy to beat and some they have cut so deep that it can be a little more tricky but you just keep playing the song of who you really are. All of our songs are different but put together they make one awesome playlist. See my song had been playing those lies I had mentioned plus a few more and it was so loud that's all I could hear, it was like when you play a CD and it skips, mine was skipping right over the lines of the truth. But something happened and I remembered this isn't all of the song so I cleaned up the CD if you will and tried playing it again. In real life wanna know what I did? I just so happened to be reading over some old messages that someone sent me and I realized one just how much they have put with me but also how much that they have encouraged me and help me carry the load and have helped me to sit it down and I also realized they really do see me as a part of their family and they don't mind that I see them as my family and to steal a line God knits people in your life cause He's a fantastic author and knows who you need (took me a long time to get that and more so to get that I am deserving to have those kinds of people in my life and to accept the love they have to give).
Hopefully in conclusion I just want to say that when your song is playing and it tries to play the old version and tell the lies and fears and whatnot may you and I both remember that those things that caused the scars are just a line in the song it's not the whole song. No matter how many times you have to replay it and no matter how loud you have to play it - sing those lines and verses of the truth of who you really are and you sing them loud because you deserve to be heard. You have a beautiful song and don't let anyone try to tell you that it doesn't deserve to be heard or played. And on those moments when you can't quite hear the lyrics of the truth or you just don't think you'll make I encourage you to go to someone you trust and let them help you (and if you are like me trust and know that God is there and will work it out - even though it isn't always easy to remember that, it is true) Because fear is a liar and you my friend are an overcomer and you know what I am too. I think we need to turn up our song and let some people hear it, what do you say?
The previous paragraph has been sitting in draft form for a long time and to be honest I'm still not sure how or what to write but let's see what song I can come up with. I'm going to start by sharing some lyrics for a song that I recommend you look up and listen to, titled Scars by I Am They:
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use
So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore...
Physical scars are easier to get over, they heal and all you have is the scar to remind you of whatever happened to cause the scar (generally, physically scars can hurt too). Emotional scars, those can be very painful scars that can take a very long time to heal from - but you can heal from them - will it be easy each time, possibly not but there is healing. May I be a small voice of reasoning in case those emotional scars have caused the lies of you will not be this, you don't deserve happiness, this is your fault, etc of lies that are swirling in your mind. Every single one of those are lies, you are worthy, you deserve happiness and you will be happy, and a lot of times we are carrying loads that were never, ever ours to carry. If you are carrying one of those loads may I encourage you to lay it down, you've carried it long enough. If you can't lay it down right away please find someone to help you lay it down or at the very least help you carry it until you can lay it down. See that voice doesn't want you to hear your true song.
Last night as I was driving home I was listening to a song, I didn't know all of the lyrics to it but the ones I knew I would sing out (not really sing - be glad to never hear me sing, it's more of a noise!). It got me thinking. See I've been struggling with some fears that stem from some emotional scars and baggage that I have carried. I'll tell you three of them: scared beyond measure that things were going to happen and some people would leave and not be in my life anymore, that there was no way people could see me as their family or even why would they want me to be a part of their lives, and that I didn't deserve that and those people. LIE, LIE and another big old LIE. As I was listening to this song last night and I only knew parts of the lyrics I thought it's kind of like our own songs if you will. So often life gives us songs that were never meant to be on our playlists and we believe they have to stay and we even start to believe the lyrics that spew out nothing but lies of who we are. There are some parts of the emotional scars that are easy to beat and some they have cut so deep that it can be a little more tricky but you just keep playing the song of who you really are. All of our songs are different but put together they make one awesome playlist. See my song had been playing those lies I had mentioned plus a few more and it was so loud that's all I could hear, it was like when you play a CD and it skips, mine was skipping right over the lines of the truth. But something happened and I remembered this isn't all of the song so I cleaned up the CD if you will and tried playing it again. In real life wanna know what I did? I just so happened to be reading over some old messages that someone sent me and I realized one just how much they have put with me but also how much that they have encouraged me and help me carry the load and have helped me to sit it down and I also realized they really do see me as a part of their family and they don't mind that I see them as my family and to steal a line God knits people in your life cause He's a fantastic author and knows who you need (took me a long time to get that and more so to get that I am deserving to have those kinds of people in my life and to accept the love they have to give).
Hopefully in conclusion I just want to say that when your song is playing and it tries to play the old version and tell the lies and fears and whatnot may you and I both remember that those things that caused the scars are just a line in the song it's not the whole song. No matter how many times you have to replay it and no matter how loud you have to play it - sing those lines and verses of the truth of who you really are and you sing them loud because you deserve to be heard. You have a beautiful song and don't let anyone try to tell you that it doesn't deserve to be heard or played. And on those moments when you can't quite hear the lyrics of the truth or you just don't think you'll make I encourage you to go to someone you trust and let them help you (and if you are like me trust and know that God is there and will work it out - even though it isn't always easy to remember that, it is true) Because fear is a liar and you my friend are an overcomer and you know what I am too. I think we need to turn up our song and let some people hear it, what do you say?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)