Battle Cry

This is a post I will want to delete as soon as I share it because it is going to make me feel vulnerable and probably repetitive! Let's get this over with.

I've been in a battle - spiritual, mental I don't know what label  it would have but it's been a battle. Earlier this week I was driving in my car, crying trying to pray but to be honest I just felt like it wasn't getting no where close to God's ear and I said out loud it would just be easier if it was all over and I knew then just how bad this battle had gotten and I had to fight come hell or high water I had to fight like my life depended on it cause it very well may have. Oh this isn't a post to give you five points of say this, read this and it's all good. Nope just a post of a quiet girl that still doesn't have very much figured out but will hold on for dear life to the truths I know and have learned and continue to learn some days are just hard sometimes the a-ha! moment doesn't show up when I need or want it to or how - we don't really talk much about that do we. See all my life I lived in my head in my own little world it was safer there and I thought for things to get better and safer for me to be able to tear the walls down and put some doors in to let people inside it could never be because of what was needed and what I wanted just didn't seem likely to ever happen but if I'm honest I was wrong on all accounts and the answer sure didn't show up how I thought it would. Can I say we're quick to tell people to not be like anyone else or worry about what others think and I agree but I at least am one that I must let go and quit holding on to these preconceived ideas of this is how certain things should work out and if not well there's something wrong with me or well this will never happen because it wasn't said or done just like this. Careful my friend I think a wall was just trying to be built back up and we're not going backwards but only forward. Now let me get to some good things yes even the kick I gave myself because sometimes listen kicks aren't fun getting your toes stepped in hurts a little but they move us forward or should - I mean you can sit there and sulk and throw you a pity party if you want to but I'll limp with the pain and move forward thankful I am loved enough to be told enough, or you're wrong, it's time to get out of your comfort zone.

So here's a few thoughts I had I'm not even sure it goes with any of this.

I recently had to go somewhere and the person gave me directions. Well I missed the turn time and time again. Finally I pulled in a parking lot and said I am not dumb I may not be smart but I know I can find this. If I would quit focusing on the voice that says I'm going to mess up so much that I miss half of the directions and focus on the person giving the directions I may not miss the turn. To me that's like life it's even like how I see myself. I mean first I miss out or have missed out on so much because of those good pals fear and doubt fear tells me I'll make the wrong turn be it driving or the wrong turn in a decision in life or even in something as simple as a conversation and doubt is right there saying you aren't going to make it I doubt they even care or listened, I doubt that anyone will read this and if they do they'll talk about you (fear had to add it's two cents in), etc. But you see there's another voice that says I will mess up but it's okay because I still matter, I'm still worthy and oh yeah I still very much am an overcomer. If I focus on the truth on the voice giving me the directions fear and doubt will show up to try to knock me down but if I hold on to the truth if I get back up or just pull into a parking lot and say wait a minute this is taking me the wrong/long way stop, let's get it together I can make this I will win and I am not giving up.

Now second thought this one is funny and just hit me. So I have curly hair if you don't know me and there's a science to taming the beast or trying to. I washed my hair and was waiting on that perfect time for it to not be to wet or to dry to put the fixings on it to tame the beast. Y'all I got sidetracked like I so often do and didn't put anything on it. I wouldn't tell this except I went out to eat with some family and didn't think nothing of it the whole time until I got back and was like oh my word I did nothing to my hair I bet it looks awful - by some miracle it didn't. But in my weird way of putting pieces of puzzles together in my head it reminded me how to often we put on masks - I have to wear this mask for this person or they will leave or they will see me get frustrate or see me vulnerable can't have that wear the mask...tonight I didn't put anything on my hair but I didn't wear a mask either. There was no worry of oh no my hair isn't what it is supposed to be, and there wasn't even no mask of oh no don't say this or that. I don't know about my hair but myself realized the freedom there is of no masks. I was me, my quiet annoying self and it was great and guess what they still love me.

The third thing also deals with the dinner with my family. If I go out to eat with you and I think you're going to pay I am going to tell a secret that's not really a secret on myself - I'll never get what I want I will get the cheapest thing because I don't want people to spend their money on me, spend it on you (lots of lessons I'm learning on that, one being be it food, time or another gift I don't want to knock anyone out of their blessing to do something for me just as I don't want people to tell me or not let me help them or take them out to eat or whatever is on my heart to do). So in thinking they may actually let me pay - to be fair I asked all along to let me pay I wanted to do that for them - they never answered so I was fairly certain I'd have to figure out a way to get the ticket/check before they did when the server brought it - but point, if there is one is that they saw something that I liked and said now we know if you order something else what you're doing basically. Again weird roundabout way to get to this but if I wear a mask or if I don't tell my story or shorten the answer to something as simple as what's you're favorite (insert what you like here) because I'm afraid I may get excited and ramble to long or laugh to loud or whatever. I'm giving them the chicken fingers platter when I want the ribs or steak or whatever - anything but the chicken. 


So whatever battle you may be facing please hold on and I am so glad you are still here and am proud of the fighter you are first and foremost. This week I've learned a lot, cried  possibly enough to end the drought but I won a lot and I lost too - and oh how glad I am that I lost. Yes I'm glad I lost a battle because I lost things that were just a hindrance, lost some fears and doubts and silly ideas of how things had to be and if they wasn't that meant I wasn't winning or moving forward but I won laughter and freedom and joy. Sometimes our battle cry may not be loud but shout it anyway because it may be the one to knock that stronghold down for the count and give you that victory.