Recently I had a memory come to mind of something that I heard repetitively at concert I went to a few years ago. You ever have those moments of you repeatedly see/hear a quote, verse, a theme of some sort and it finally gets to the point this isn't a coincidence what am I supposed to be getting from this. Back on that day and recently it in short kept being brought up about tearing the walls down around your heart to let people and to let God in, just to be you. And that came to mind so vividly recently and I thought oh God am I trying to build the walls back up again or is there a part that I've not thrown away or is it a fear. I believe it was fear because just like while driving when I got to doing some soul searching if you will this time the light hit the shadows to expose the lies. I know someone and I've always said they've lied to themselves so much that they believe what they say and remember as truth. Sometimes that's done to live with the guilt, sometimes it's done unknowingly and it starts out even as a protection mode. Let me see if I can explain it and end up being a lot vulnerable to expose some of my truths or so I thought they were, maybe we'll find out we're not alone in these lies we for to long believed as truth. (Honest disclaimer I'm panicking and not even writing the truths yet, oh how I don't like to be this vulnerable and exposed and I will barely scrape the surface)
The truth is I'm not perfect. Simple enough truth right? No one is perfect - not even those that act like they are. The lie I for so long believed was I have to be perfect for people to love me, for people to not leave. I had to say the right thing or they'd be gone again and I don't know when I'd hear from them and it had to be my fault I let a little something slip of how I really felt of something that had happened. Well anyway, you get the point. That all was a lie. The truth is all that did was have me walking on egg shells and I've never been nor will I ever be perfect. I've got traits and habits that will annoy the daylights out of people, plenty that annoy myself. People are going to leave and it's not my fault. Most people are leaves or branches in our lives they may be there for a short time or some many years and then you have the roots those awesome people that God knits in your life that are your tribe. I just need to be myself because those that are meant to will love me faults and all - now that's not giving me a pass to be a jerk but those people know you, me us all are or should be always a work in progress finding out new things about ourselves getting rid of learned traits and habits. There is such a freedom in not searching for that perfect picture (with the filter added just in case) but in those moments and especially with your tribe that you can just be real and yourself. Those moments you can share that picture with and have the inside jokes and just enjoy the moments with them.
The truth is I'm worthy - of love, happiness, joy - to receive and to give. I have probably caused a lot of unintentional hurt and got called some names because I built a wall that I would only let you in so far you tried to get further sorry got to shut that down because you come that close then you'll leave and that's a hurt I can't and don't know how to deal with and don't want to anymore. That was the lie to keep me from being loved and giving the love that I felt for others and it made me feel guilty for being happy and laughing and enjoying life. But the truth is laughter really is the best medicine and I like my obnoxious laugh/snort - not enough people have heard it. The truth is there is a freedom in being loved and loving back and in the moments of joy and happiness.
The truth is the past is in the past for a reason, don't live there. It didn't really have much for me while I was there so why visit it especially the not so good moments. Oh sure sometimes we got to look back to see how far we've made it and visit with those good memories. But the hurts, the people that caused those hurts, the walls - all that's in the past. If I live in those moments I'm giving control to the hurts and to those people to others and that's not a life, not much of an existence. So I'll hold on to and cherish any good memory I may have but I'm living in the now and going to make memories and spend time with the ones that are here for me and in my life and enjoy the moments I have with them and the adventures I get to have.
The truth is I'll have a bad day and slip into those lies. I recently heard Mariska Hargitay give an interview and in it she said in her twenties she felt herself having emotions and thoughts and such pertaining to the death of her mom and she had a really again kind of moment and she went to therapy and said we're taking care of this. First she is an amazing person and talented actress but I respected that honest moment she shared. Some days it may get bad but thankfully I can generally catch when I was walking and not paying attention and am now face to face with that lie. Used to I think I'd just let it take me by the hand and lead me further away but nowadays I do so much better at spotting them sometimes far enough ahead that I can avoid that route but when I come face to face I don't let it take my hand and I sometimes with a shaking voice speak the truth to destroy it and sometimes I don't even listen and keep walking forward. There have been moments where I feel myself trying to push away and that little lie tries to whisper it's ugliness. I've learned that they rear their ugly head when I'm closest to a victory and they get scared. The lies don't want me to see who I really am and what all I can and am going to do. The lies aren't going to stop me. They may trip me I won't say that but they won't stop me. A bad day or a mistake doesn't mean I'm over with I'm a failure or I'll never make and please never ever believe that lie cause that's what it is. A bad day is just that a bad day, a moment - let me refer you back to the you're not perfect truth.
The truth is I'm going to make it - the truth is I have already made it so far and I'm going to keep going forward. The lies said I'd never, ever be where I am now or have the people in my life that I do. The lies was afraid and didn't want me to get this far so they did whatever they could to keep me in the pit but thank God I made it to the palace.
There are more truths and maybe I'll mention them another time but I want to end with the one that may mean the most to me because it includes people that mean so very much to me.
The truth is I don't have to do this alone and I'm not. First I very much need to thank God for getting me to this point and not giving up on me. I thank God for saving me (my soul yes but my life too because I was in a very bad place) and I thank God for the people that He has knit in my life so I don't have to do this alone (yes I know God is always with me and I'm thankful for that). The journey to get to where I am now has been a long one and not easy - I will never wish or say I want to go back - but if it took that journey to meet the people that are in my life now then it was worth it. There are a few they are my tribe, they are my family that God bless them they saw something in me and that I was worth their time and to have in their life that they had patience but also pushed through those walls and doors. They sit with me, they take the time to explain things to me to help me navigate, they're right there with me to face things, they laugh with me, they spend time with me. they love me enough to correct me and they love me flaws and all. To each of you I most sincerely thank you for making my life better because it truly has become better with you all in it and I hope each of you know how grateful I am for you and that I love you all.
So the truth is none of us have it completely together every day and that's okay.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Family (or a better title that will make you want to read this)
I recently heard someone say something along the lines of we don't know what season someone is in and in this life we will go through many seasons. They say that you are in one of three places getting ready to go through a storm, in a storm or getting out of a storm. Then there is me and I don't know where I am but I know it's time to put off writing this post wherever it leads to.
I recently heard a story of a man in Wisconsin that passed away and unbeknownst to the people in his community he had a small fortune (half a million to be exact) and he didn't have a wife or children so in his will he had it that the money was to be equally divided between those that attended his funeral. There was a total of 270 people that showed up and signed that little book and pay their last (or maybe first) respect to this gentleman. They had no idea by signing that paper they was going to end up just a little over 1,800 dollars richer. They didn't care. They said that the man had a list of how he wanted to live his life and on it was a life that God would be pleased with and to have true friends to be less lonely. Some of the people described him as a loner. I sometimes think we misuse that word but I may get into that later. I think that was a man that I would have liked to have called friend and no not cause he had a half a million dollars but because in a little over two minute segment I learned a lot from this man and the people that showed up one last time for him. How many times any of those 270 people was there for this gentleman in the years they were acquainted and how many times he was there for them I don't know. He owned a dry cleaning business so who knows maybe just a simple hello from him when someone brought something in when they was having the Monday-est Monday in the history of Mondays helped someone and they never forgot that. Here's what I do know there's not a price we can put on what it means to someone to be there for them, to show a little kindness, to let them know in this jacked up, hectic, sometimes downright mean world we live in you know what I see you, you're not alone, here let me help you carry this heavy bag of worry, hurt, fear, doubt, loneliness....my goodness can I just have a sidestep to that to live in a world full of so many ways to talk to people or have interactions with people we are living in a lonely time. Y'all can we please just take a minute - you can even literally make it just a minute - to reach out to someone today. If you're able to see whoever comes to mind then throw in a hug too would you? I was reading an excerpt from a devotional the other day on hugs and touch and how in America they watched people for an hour to see how many times the people touched each other - it was 2 times there was other countries that they touch over 100 times. Now I know you need to respect people and there are various things to consider in just those moments of having an oh did you know moment and touching their arm or me when I get extremely tickled about something and hit you on the arm. But I also know the importance of touch and hugs. There's something about that that lets you know that you're seen, you're not alone. I've been sitting by my mom before and in my own little world and she'd pat me on the leg or back and that little gesture meant a lot which I guess may sound weird or dumb and you're thinking well it's your mom you've had that your whole life - I've had it for the years that God chose her as my family and put her in my life but growing up no didn't really have that not a lot. And here would be a good moment to go on to my second thought for this post
Family is important - very important- there's no denying that. There's two things that I think people don't like to talk about and may not even agree with if you don't that's okay. That's that your given family can be toxic and that you can have a chosen family. Growing up or even in adulthood you've probably had someone say so and so isn't a very good friend, they're toxic you need to stay away from them. Family can be toxic too. So if you have to limit your time around a person that cause of a family tree has a label of mom, dad, brother, sister, etc and someone says but that's your family please don't let that condemn you. Some people we have to love from a distance and/or limited time and sometimes those people are our given family. Don't go back or stay around someone that's toxic because someone that may not even know all or part of the story says well that's your family and please if that family has done something to you and you know you've forgiven them and you know you got to limit or are waiting on the right time to even remotely let them back in your life don't let that lie of you've not forgiven them or you'd have them in your life trip you up. You can forgive and not have them constantly in your life or at all. I don't understand it that if it's a friend we don't even say anything we usually just say well sometimes we outgrow people or nothing at all we don't even question if you've really forgiven them. My own personal opinion but family can be toxic and you can forgive and love and still limit the time you are around them.
Now before I get to that second part of family - our chosen family - let me have a little side stop. Don't let the toxic family or things that happened keep you in a story that was only meant to be a chapter. I spent well over half of my life living a story and being stuck in a story that was only a chapter. Trust me I am not taking away or making light that those chapters are hard, difficult and can about take you out of this world or make you want out. I won't even say it's easy to get out of the chapters or that those memories, fears, people won't try to take you back to those chapters because there is going to be people in your life that don't want you to see your story through to see what an awesome story you have to fulfill. Again sometimes that's given family and sometimes it's friends. Don't let an event or person write your story when it's only meant to be a chapter. Sure things are going to happen and you're going to change, you're going to grow and you're going to move forward - you're not staying in that pit.In grief they say there is a you before and after the heart wrenching see you later we have to tell our loved ones. I agree and in many ways you may never fully get back to the you before. That's okay. But you will become you again you will just move on to a different you. You'll still laugh, have joy and make great memories granted it's a chapter and new chapters that you don't ever want to have to go through but you'll always carry those loved ones with you. many things in life are like that there's a before and after. Sometimes when bad things happen we're afraid to move on or don't know how and we even feel guilty. The next chapter may not be one we wanted to face yet or it may not be written when or how we had envisioned but baby you got a story to tell and you got some awesome things left to do in your story. You ain't in that pit anymore and you are moving forward and I can't wait to see what all your story has in story. I'm rooting for you.
Now our chosen family. Many of us didn't/don't have a mother or father figure, didn't have a sibling or don't have a relationship with yours, or maybe you don't have a given child but longed to have one. Many of us long for that we want a mom that will be our best friend a dad that we can go fishing with or a sibling we can have inside jokes with and go do something silly to get into or a child to love and help grow and see the world from their view. I specifically remember asking God would I ever have a mom, a motherly influence. See when I'd think/hope and even finally get the nerve to pray about it in my head I would hear why would anyone want you to call them mom and see you as their daughter. But the last time I asked God about it with those lies still loud in my mind I asked God will I ever know is there someone, I don't know how you have it written with my given family and I don't know but if there's even anyone that would be okay with me seeing them as my mom if they'd be okay seeing me as their daughter but God if it's not meant to be however you have it written can you take this ache and want away especially if it's not meant for me to have a mom figure. With that way to much insight into my story being said I've met people over the last fourteen years that have truly become family I call them my chosen family because I truly believe God put them in my life and gave them to me to be my family and I probably don't tell them near enough but I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to call them family and they let me intrude on their life. I had to wait a long time to meet my chosen family but I'm thankful that I have them now and I'll forever call them family. Some people can be in our lives for all of our life and they may have a title but there are some that you meet in what seems like a just so happens scenario and you hope that's not the last time you see them because they have already made such an impact on your life. If I named people I could specifically name four people that God just dropped in my life all right when I needed them and was even questioning God will I have this kind of person in my life and it took me awhile to accept that I was allowed this and they do want me in their life and their not going anywhere and their perfectly okay that I call them my family. Sometimes people come into our lives as friends but they become so much more they become a sister, mom, pop - they become our chosen family and I thank God for them.
So in closing don't wait until your signing your name in one of those books to let people know what they mean, to just be there for them and however you got the family you have and though it may have taken a long time to have them in your life let's not get to busy trying to make the perfect post to get the likes, hearts and laughs on social media that we forget to give the hugs, laughs and time to those in our life.
I recently heard a story of a man in Wisconsin that passed away and unbeknownst to the people in his community he had a small fortune (half a million to be exact) and he didn't have a wife or children so in his will he had it that the money was to be equally divided between those that attended his funeral. There was a total of 270 people that showed up and signed that little book and pay their last (or maybe first) respect to this gentleman. They had no idea by signing that paper they was going to end up just a little over 1,800 dollars richer. They didn't care. They said that the man had a list of how he wanted to live his life and on it was a life that God would be pleased with and to have true friends to be less lonely. Some of the people described him as a loner. I sometimes think we misuse that word but I may get into that later. I think that was a man that I would have liked to have called friend and no not cause he had a half a million dollars but because in a little over two minute segment I learned a lot from this man and the people that showed up one last time for him. How many times any of those 270 people was there for this gentleman in the years they were acquainted and how many times he was there for them I don't know. He owned a dry cleaning business so who knows maybe just a simple hello from him when someone brought something in when they was having the Monday-est Monday in the history of Mondays helped someone and they never forgot that. Here's what I do know there's not a price we can put on what it means to someone to be there for them, to show a little kindness, to let them know in this jacked up, hectic, sometimes downright mean world we live in you know what I see you, you're not alone, here let me help you carry this heavy bag of worry, hurt, fear, doubt, loneliness....my goodness can I just have a sidestep to that to live in a world full of so many ways to talk to people or have interactions with people we are living in a lonely time. Y'all can we please just take a minute - you can even literally make it just a minute - to reach out to someone today. If you're able to see whoever comes to mind then throw in a hug too would you? I was reading an excerpt from a devotional the other day on hugs and touch and how in America they watched people for an hour to see how many times the people touched each other - it was 2 times there was other countries that they touch over 100 times. Now I know you need to respect people and there are various things to consider in just those moments of having an oh did you know moment and touching their arm or me when I get extremely tickled about something and hit you on the arm. But I also know the importance of touch and hugs. There's something about that that lets you know that you're seen, you're not alone. I've been sitting by my mom before and in my own little world and she'd pat me on the leg or back and that little gesture meant a lot which I guess may sound weird or dumb and you're thinking well it's your mom you've had that your whole life - I've had it for the years that God chose her as my family and put her in my life but growing up no didn't really have that not a lot. And here would be a good moment to go on to my second thought for this post
Family is important - very important- there's no denying that. There's two things that I think people don't like to talk about and may not even agree with if you don't that's okay. That's that your given family can be toxic and that you can have a chosen family. Growing up or even in adulthood you've probably had someone say so and so isn't a very good friend, they're toxic you need to stay away from them. Family can be toxic too. So if you have to limit your time around a person that cause of a family tree has a label of mom, dad, brother, sister, etc and someone says but that's your family please don't let that condemn you. Some people we have to love from a distance and/or limited time and sometimes those people are our given family. Don't go back or stay around someone that's toxic because someone that may not even know all or part of the story says well that's your family and please if that family has done something to you and you know you've forgiven them and you know you got to limit or are waiting on the right time to even remotely let them back in your life don't let that lie of you've not forgiven them or you'd have them in your life trip you up. You can forgive and not have them constantly in your life or at all. I don't understand it that if it's a friend we don't even say anything we usually just say well sometimes we outgrow people or nothing at all we don't even question if you've really forgiven them. My own personal opinion but family can be toxic and you can forgive and love and still limit the time you are around them.
Now before I get to that second part of family - our chosen family - let me have a little side stop. Don't let the toxic family or things that happened keep you in a story that was only meant to be a chapter. I spent well over half of my life living a story and being stuck in a story that was only a chapter. Trust me I am not taking away or making light that those chapters are hard, difficult and can about take you out of this world or make you want out. I won't even say it's easy to get out of the chapters or that those memories, fears, people won't try to take you back to those chapters because there is going to be people in your life that don't want you to see your story through to see what an awesome story you have to fulfill. Again sometimes that's given family and sometimes it's friends. Don't let an event or person write your story when it's only meant to be a chapter. Sure things are going to happen and you're going to change, you're going to grow and you're going to move forward - you're not staying in that pit.In grief they say there is a you before and after the heart wrenching see you later we have to tell our loved ones. I agree and in many ways you may never fully get back to the you before. That's okay. But you will become you again you will just move on to a different you. You'll still laugh, have joy and make great memories granted it's a chapter and new chapters that you don't ever want to have to go through but you'll always carry those loved ones with you. many things in life are like that there's a before and after. Sometimes when bad things happen we're afraid to move on or don't know how and we even feel guilty. The next chapter may not be one we wanted to face yet or it may not be written when or how we had envisioned but baby you got a story to tell and you got some awesome things left to do in your story. You ain't in that pit anymore and you are moving forward and I can't wait to see what all your story has in story. I'm rooting for you.
Now our chosen family. Many of us didn't/don't have a mother or father figure, didn't have a sibling or don't have a relationship with yours, or maybe you don't have a given child but longed to have one. Many of us long for that we want a mom that will be our best friend a dad that we can go fishing with or a sibling we can have inside jokes with and go do something silly to get into or a child to love and help grow and see the world from their view. I specifically remember asking God would I ever have a mom, a motherly influence. See when I'd think/hope and even finally get the nerve to pray about it in my head I would hear why would anyone want you to call them mom and see you as their daughter. But the last time I asked God about it with those lies still loud in my mind I asked God will I ever know is there someone, I don't know how you have it written with my given family and I don't know but if there's even anyone that would be okay with me seeing them as my mom if they'd be okay seeing me as their daughter but God if it's not meant to be however you have it written can you take this ache and want away especially if it's not meant for me to have a mom figure. With that way to much insight into my story being said I've met people over the last fourteen years that have truly become family I call them my chosen family because I truly believe God put them in my life and gave them to me to be my family and I probably don't tell them near enough but I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to call them family and they let me intrude on their life. I had to wait a long time to meet my chosen family but I'm thankful that I have them now and I'll forever call them family. Some people can be in our lives for all of our life and they may have a title but there are some that you meet in what seems like a just so happens scenario and you hope that's not the last time you see them because they have already made such an impact on your life. If I named people I could specifically name four people that God just dropped in my life all right when I needed them and was even questioning God will I have this kind of person in my life and it took me awhile to accept that I was allowed this and they do want me in their life and their not going anywhere and their perfectly okay that I call them my family. Sometimes people come into our lives as friends but they become so much more they become a sister, mom, pop - they become our chosen family and I thank God for them.
So in closing don't wait until your signing your name in one of those books to let people know what they mean, to just be there for them and however you got the family you have and though it may have taken a long time to have them in your life let's not get to busy trying to make the perfect post to get the likes, hearts and laughs on social media that we forget to give the hugs, laughs and time to those in our life.
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