The truth is...

Recently I had a memory come to mind of something that I heard repetitively at concert I went to a few years ago. You ever have those moments of you repeatedly see/hear a quote, verse, a theme of some sort and it finally gets to the point this isn't a coincidence what am I supposed to be getting from this. Back on that day and recently it in short  kept being brought up about tearing the walls down around your heart to let people and to let God in, just to be you. And that came to mind so vividly recently and I thought oh God am I trying to build the walls back up again or is there a part that I've not thrown away or is it a fear. I believe it was fear because just like while driving when I got to doing some soul searching if you will this time the light hit the shadows to expose the lies. I know someone and I've always said they've lied to themselves so much that they believe what they say and remember as truth. Sometimes that's done to live with the guilt, sometimes it's done unknowingly and it starts out even as a protection mode. Let me see if I can explain it and end up being a lot vulnerable to expose some of my truths or so I thought they were, maybe we'll find out we're not alone in these lies we for to long believed as truth. (Honest disclaimer I'm panicking and not even writing the truths yet, oh how I don't like to be this vulnerable and exposed and I will barely scrape the surface)

The truth is I'm not perfect. Simple enough truth right? No one is perfect - not even those that act like they are. The lie I for so long believed was I have to be perfect for people to love me, for people to not leave. I had to say the right thing or they'd be gone again and I don't know when I'd hear from them and it had to be my fault I let a little something slip of how I really felt of something that had happened. Well anyway, you get the point. That all was a lie. The truth is all that did was have me walking on egg shells and I've never been nor will I ever be perfect. I've got traits and habits that will annoy the daylights out of people, plenty that annoy myself. People are going to leave and it's not my fault. Most people are leaves or branches in our lives they may be there for a short time or some many years and then you have the roots those awesome people that God knits in your life that are your tribe. I just need to be myself because those that are meant to will love me faults and all - now that's not giving me a pass to be a jerk but those people know you, me us all are or should be always a work in progress finding out new things about ourselves getting rid of learned traits and habits. There is such a freedom in not searching for that perfect picture (with the filter added just in case) but in those moments and especially with your tribe that you can just be real and yourself. Those moments you can share that picture with and have the inside jokes and just enjoy the moments with them.

The truth is I'm worthy - of love, happiness, joy - to receive and to give. I have probably caused a lot of unintentional hurt and got called some names because I built a wall that I would only let you in so far you tried to get further sorry got to shut that down because you come that close then you'll leave and that's a hurt I can't and don't know how to deal with and don't want to anymore. That was the lie to keep me from being loved and giving the love that I felt for others and it made me feel guilty for being happy and laughing and enjoying life. But the truth is laughter really is the best medicine and I like my obnoxious laugh/snort - not enough people have heard it. The truth is there is a freedom in being loved and loving back and in the moments of joy and happiness.

The truth is the past is in the past for a reason, don't live there. It didn't really have much for me while I was there so why visit it especially the not so good moments. Oh sure sometimes we got to look back to see how far we've made it and visit with those good memories. But the hurts, the people that caused those hurts, the walls - all that's in the past. If I live in those moments I'm giving control to the hurts and to those people to others and that's not a life, not much of an existence. So I'll hold on to and cherish any good memory I may have but I'm living in the now and going to make memories and spend time with the ones that are here for me and in my life and enjoy the moments I have with them and the adventures I get to have.

The truth is I'll have a bad day and slip into those lies. I recently heard Mariska Hargitay give an interview and in it she said in her twenties she felt herself having emotions and thoughts and such pertaining to the death of her mom and she had a really again kind of moment and she went to therapy and said we're taking care of this. First she is an amazing person and talented actress but I respected that honest moment she shared. Some days it may get bad but thankfully I can generally catch when I was walking and not paying attention and am now face to face with that lie. Used to I think I'd just let it take me by the hand and lead me further away but nowadays I do so much better at spotting them sometimes far enough ahead that I can avoid that route but when I come face to face I don't let it take my hand and I sometimes with a shaking voice speak the truth to destroy it and sometimes I don't even listen and keep walking forward. There have been moments where I feel myself trying to push away and that little lie tries to whisper it's ugliness. I've learned that they rear their ugly head when I'm closest to a victory and they get scared. The lies don't want me to see who I really am and what all I can and am going to do. The lies aren't going to stop me. They may trip me I won't say that but they won't stop me. A bad day or a mistake doesn't mean I'm over with I'm a failure or I'll never make and please never ever believe that lie cause that's what it is. A bad day is just that a bad day, a moment - let me refer you back to the you're not perfect truth.

The truth is I'm going to make it - the truth is I have already made it so far and I'm going to keep going forward. The lies said I'd never, ever be where I am now or have the people in my life that I do. The lies was afraid and didn't want me to get this far so they did whatever they could to keep me in the pit but thank God I made it to the palace.

There are more truths and maybe I'll mention them another time but I want to end with the one that may mean the most to me because it includes people that mean so very much to me.

The truth is I don't have to do this alone and I'm not.  First I very much need to thank God for getting me to this point and not giving up on me. I thank God for saving me (my soul yes but my life too because I was in a very bad place) and I thank God for the people that He has knit in my life so I don't have to do this alone (yes I know God is always with me and I'm thankful for that). The journey to get to where I am now has been a long one and not easy - I will never wish or say I want to go back - but if it took that journey to meet the people that are in my life now then it was worth it. There are a few they are my tribe, they are my family that God bless them they saw something in me and that I was worth their time and to have in their life that they had patience but also pushed through those walls and doors. They sit with me, they take the time to explain things to me to help me navigate, they're right there with me to face things, they laugh with me, they spend time with me. they love me enough to correct me and they love me flaws and all. To each of you I most sincerely thank you for making my life better because it truly has become better with you all in it and I hope each of you know how grateful I am for you and that I love you all.

So the truth is none of us have it completely together every day and that's okay.