If there ever was a point...this probably isn't it.

Was recently watching an episode of Running Wild with Bear Grylls and at one point he said something along the lines of when people get to the descending part of their journey they not only get tired and just ready for it to be over but they get complacent and that's when they make most of their mistakes. Kinda that way with life it sometimes seems. Get to the top of that metaphorical mountain and start the journey down on to the next mountain or maybe on the climb up you get complacent or for other reasons that may make you momentarily lose focus so you may make a small or major mistake. But mistakes can happen sometimes when you take extreme cautions, I suppose got to have both to grow and take chances just got to make sure one doesn't get to complacent. Earlier in the evening I was thinking how sometimes it seems like taking a step, or two backwards has somewhat of a negative outlook with people. But should it always? Take this extreme scenario: you are on the edge of a mountain a leg raised ready to take another step. Using the always move forward theory could send you quite literally over the edge. In this case taking a step back could save your life. Sometimes you got to take a step back to get your bearings, take a few more back to build momentum so you can make it over the obstacle, side step so you can better control your balance or just walk forward. The point is keep moving, don't get complacent.

A feather. A random sentence, yes, but one with a point. Oftentimes over the years I would seemingly randomly find a feather. Generally it was at a time I was missing my grandma or just lost in my own thoughts. I've saved several of them (weird? probably but oh well). Anyway, I hadn't found any in a while but I got a package today and it had a letter that had a couple things that I guess I needed reminded of or just didn't think could apply to me. And one of the things that was also in the package, yes, a couple of feathers. This verse was also written:

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armour and protection.
Psalm 91:4

It kind of brought on a whole new perspective of finding feathers. Does it mean there is anything more then a random feather? I don't know but sometimes it's nice to see something that makes you smile, encourages you or just reminds you that you can make it even if that reminder is a feather.

Do You Ever...

I've thought I had some thoughts I wanted to write on here, even had written a note or two so I wouldn't forget (and one I was sure I'd remember but is unfortunately long gone now) only to get stuck wrestling should I or shouldn't I, an area I find myself stuck in way to often. Oftentimes I get thinking and whatever I may be thinking I usually find myself having many 'do you ever moments' which can range from weird to well probably whatever is after weird. I won't write to many but here are a few that have rolled around in my mind recently.

Do you ever...

...just have a difficult time saying or writing your thoughts, finding just the right word(s) because I'm having that problem. Who am I kidding I almost always have trouble with that. I guess I put even to much thought on what to say and how to, got to word it just right, only to end up usually not getting the chance to say it or to get it all messed up.

...wonder how much better  it could be if we talked to people instead of about them? Hold out a helping hand instead of pointing an accusing finger.

...think maybe we should take that minute to say hi to the stranger you just passed (or smile, or just nod for my fellow people that may not find it easy to actually say hi). Or take a minute to call, text, write a letter to a friend, maybe someone you have been thinking about. Everyone is going through something, has a bad day or just needs to know they matter. I just think there is something about those seemingly rare people that ask how you are and when you say the normal good/fine they are like no really how are you and listen to your response.

...find yourself thinking about how you maybe should deal with something, what road to take, or maybe just being discouraged only to seem to find little things in the most random places or through people that encourage or help you find the answer. For example, today I saw at least three different times pictures or quotes or something that had to deal with not giving up. You ever get that little nudge that you need to tell someone something? Maybe it's because it's just what they need to hear and you are someone they will listen to and it will be there moment where the light bulb finally gets turned on...or maybe I'm just overthinking, again.

...wonder where Waldo is now?! (just thought I'd try to write a funny one)

Lastly I guess this does fall in the do you ever category but I'll just write it out like this. I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and saw where one of my elementary school teachers had passed away, of all the teachers I had this person always remained my absolute favorite teacher. She was the perfect example of a teacher. It's funny isn't it when I read the post I went searching in the memory bank and thought of a few things including the day several years ago when at a store  she somehow still remembered me and called out to me came over talked to me and hugged me. I even got the chance (and courage) to tell her she had always been my favorite and such a great teacher. I guess my whole point is things that can seem like nothing to you and no point in saying or doing that because it's so minute it won't matter just may be the very thing someone needs to see or hear. It's not always the loudest, most elaborate speech, or takes a lot of money or time to make a difference. The people that have helped me, encouraged me, or made some kind of impact on my life have done so in ways they would never even likely guess or imagine. I just want to spend time making sure I fill out and place good memory cards for people to be able to have and keep.


Do you ever get to the last sentence (or first) and think why did I just waste that time reading this, I'll never get that time back?

It's Time to Fly

Tonight as I was driving home there was a bird in the middle of the road. The closer I got it wasn't even hopping or acting like it was going to fly away so I start slowing down as I am saying 'Fly! Have you forgotten you have wings?' It finally did and safely flew away but cue the squirrel moment music because my thinking process never makes things easy. So I thought how people are like that bird. We...or I at least get distracted, very easily. I get distracted by every day things, don't we all, but my focus on this particular thought was on a couple other things. Often times I've gotten my focus on past mistakes, failures (the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of life if you will) that the bigger obstacles that can really destroy me are upon me before I've even realized it and/or I'm so focused on these things that I don't see the escape, the grand things around me. I forget I can fly. Or maybe I even think I got more time. I got plenty of time to (insert what you like here) before I have to spread my wings and fly to safety, sometimes those things are closer than they appear and it's a close call to fly out of harms way. More than that those distractions that block our view, those lies that say we're not good enough, your wings can never take you to the journey to fulfill that dream you've carried around for years. That's all they are is lies to make you forget you have wings, to stop you from trying to fly. Great news those lies that weigh you down, that make you forget you have wings as much as they feel like it and the illusion they have created is just that, an illusion. We're kind of like a buterfly in that we have the learning stage(s) (being the caterpillar then the growing stage (build the cocoon) but to often this is where I stay to long because fear holds me back, distractions, and I'll be honest the lies (I'm not good enough, I can't do that, etc) but when I finally step, no break out of that cocoon something amazing happens. I discover I have wings and I can fly. Now a butterfly never knows the beauty of its wings, it can't see the intricate color or details on its wings but others can. Just like people can't always see the difference they make in others lives, how amazing they are, or how much they are loved. I don't know what my wings look like but it is always my hope and goal that I let everyone I meet or have contact with know they do matter and their wings are not only beautiful but they can fly. I ain't saying it's easy because I still have a lot of moments I struggle to believe  I have wings (that I really can do these things I want to do, my dreams and such) but I'm having more days it's worth trying and seeing how these wings work, even if I only make it a little off the ground (a few steps in the right direction) it's closer than I was. I recently saw a quote that stated your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready. I hope you and I never spend to much time distracted or hiding due to lies, fears, etc that we don't realize our wings are ready because it's time to fly.

Good Titles Are Difficult To Find

I'm not sure if I've posted this poem/writing/whatever you would like to call it before (and ultimately deleted it because I can't find it) or I really have wrestled with myself that much and from the point of writing this whether or not to post it. I'm not sure why I am so hesitant about sharing this one, not that it's the first time, but it has been so long since I was even able to write anything I don't remember the last time. Because I'm still wrestling with whether to post this or not and because I haven't written about any books for awhile shall I procrastinate this a little bit longer. First, why is there not a warning on books that it is part of a series? It should be mentioned on the cover, on a page before the story begins and even an I told you so page at the end. I say that because I recently bought the book The Choosing  by Rachelle Dekker (to be fair it does say A Seer Novel on the cover which should have clued me in that it was part of a series but I was just so excited to get the book I didn't put two and two together). I'm only a few chapters in and already I can so relate to some of the thoughts and emotions of the main character, Carrington, but now that I know it's part of a series and the next book doesn't come out until Summer 2016. That's over a year to wait, thank God I have a fairly decent sized stack of books in my to be read pile. I think I'm just going to have to read it and read it again before the next book in the series is released. For now I've stopped reading it and moved to a book called Snow on the Tulips by Liz Tolsma (also recommend Daisies are Forever by her and both are set in WWII era). Funny story, I had tried to start reading this one awhile back and it just wasn't working but started reading it last night and I only stopped cause sleep was winning. Short synopsis is that it's about Cornelia hiding her brother but now also a man named Gerrit who shows up on her doorstep not in good shape and not under the best of circumstances. Well now I'm just becoming like Grover in the book The Monster at the End of this Book (one of my many treasured Little Golden Books growing up and definitely one of my favorites....do you feel the nostalgia?!) So I guess if you are still reading and continue to read well you shall read the 'poem' I'm not sure if it is really finished or not but I suppose it's as good as it's gonna get and okay enough to resist the fear, vulnerability and such to post another writing...but before that enjoy this picture from the book The Monster at the End of this Book because maybe like Grover I'm being afraid for nothing...

Oh yeah and if the title sounds familiar, well you know I'm terrible with titles and I liked the one I used for a recent post and it seemed fitting for this particular writing so I recycled it.

Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope

There once was a seed sown

I added water to help it grow

It became a deep rooted vine

Full of nothing but lies

Sweeping them under the rug

Thought that was enough

Couldn't let others see my pain

M mind feeling like a derailed train

Fear had become my gatekeeper

It was my person grim reaper

But what was meant to destroy me

Is only part of my story

Thought I was turning the last page

But God said, 'No, wait.

There are some things I need to take

Chapters to add, time for a change.'

'My child you've felt so unworthy

It's time you see how important you are to me'

The walls I'd built finally crumbled

I built a staircase to the next level with the rubble

You put the broken pieces

Back together again

What I thought never would be

A new beginning instead of an end

Whether I fall or fly

Either way I'll be alright

Cause God is by my side

He'll catch me every time

Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope...

You ever watch an illusionist perform a trick and the whole time you're watching him/her just so sure you are going to catch the slip up and turn the tables to figure out how the trick is being done only to end up not figuring it out and the trick is pulled on you and your left asking how did you do that and how did I fall for that? I think Fear is one of the biggest illusionists that we have to face, I would dare say that fear is nothing more than a fancy word for a lie. Fear starts out looking like a simple card trick that you can easily figure out  and then suddenly before you may even realize it you are in a straight jacket wondering how this fear got such a hold on you. I recently saw a picture and I loved what it said which was, the voice in your head that is saying, 'You can't do this.' is a liar (it was written in all caps but I didn't want to cap shout at you!) and that is so very true. I also recently read an article titled There Is a 'Right' Way to Talk to Yourself (http://news.bitofnews.com/talk-to-yourself/). The article mentions how if we talk to ourselves in the third person it actually helps take away any negative  thoughts and fear/anxiety that we associate with ourselves and/or situations when we talk to ourselves in first person especially when these situations are stressful. It was basically saying that when you use the first person, I, that it triggers the part of your brain associated with emotions such as anxiety and fear but when you use the third person it's kind of like when a friend asks for your advice and you can give it without any problem, you're not associating any of your fears or negative thoughts to the situation which helps you see a way out if you will instead of all of the fear, stress and anxiety. I thought it was pretty interesting, not to say to always talk about yourself in the third person especially to others but a nice little trick to try and have when fear shows up or you made a mistake. There is an acronym for fear which is False Evidence Appearing Real which truthfully is the best and most accurate definition of the word one could give or remember. Fear is that voice that lies and says you can't do this and brings up all of the thoughts and reasons why/how this is going to go wrong or how you will mess it up and all of the negative things until that straight jacket is so tight you can barely even breath (or at least you feel like it). And I'm sorry this isn't flowing very well, what with my thoughts coming all at once and not being able to type fast enough and such so it's probably not making much sense. So I've started out with what I thought was simple card trick (simple task that shouldn't bother me normally) and suddenly I have now found myself in a straight jacket (a fear that paralyzes me and I think I can't get out of). I'll be the first to admit I have several fears and have or am working on getting rid of a lot of them because often times now when they try to come back and I can see them for the lies they are. Just like the illusionists have tricks and things to do to escape from the straight jacket I'm figuring out that I am bigger than the fears and actually I should really say God is bigger than my fears because I have and am learning to rely more on my faith and God to help me during those times I'm in the straight jacket as well as when I'm not.  I can't speak for you and your fears but as far as me I do tend to get the deer in the headlights and I am paralyzed physically but mentally my mind is going full speed ahead with countless thoughts. But I am figuring out some tricks to help stop the overload of thoughts and talking myself out as much as possible if not all the way out of the fear, at least enough to realize it is nothing more than an irrational lie. Now I am most certainly not making light of any fears you may have or of things such as anxiety because it's very real and very serious and doesn't mean there is something wrong with you because you have fears/anxieties and trust me I do understand. So just let me get that out there. What I'm hoping I'm saying and am wanting to say is that fear is very real but it's a very big bully too that puffs itself up to make it look bigger than it is and unescapable. Just like the illusionists have tricks and ways to escape the straight jacket you can beat and escape fear no matter how much the voice of fear whispers you can't. Also like it isn't always easy and without pain for the illusionist to escape the straight jacket it may not be easy or without obstacles to beat fear. Plus everyone has different fears and symptoms with those fears as well as different  ways to cope with them. Because unlike not always being able to figure out how the illusionist tricked you on something you can turn the tables on fear and become the illusionist and trap that fear, maybe even make it disappear for good. I titled this post goodbye fear, hello hope and I did that because well for one I have spent to much time letting fear have control and dictate what and how I react to things. Another reason is because the way I see it I'll hold on to the hope that everything will work out and as long as I can hold on to that hope, well I have hope (!) but it is also like that lighthouse that ships use to guide them and it is like my life line if you will to know that I know that there is a way out of this fear, this lie. There have been times I think I can safely say that I have just one finger left grasping to the wall of hope and just when I thought I was going to lose my grasp something or someone or I would suddenly get clarity and I would get a better grasp and footing to climb over that wall of fear. Hope makes for a very secure place to put your feet. I guess basically what I had hoped to write/say was that fear is nothing but a lie and bully but don't feel bad if it gets you cause it gets us all in one way or another at one time or another no matter what anyone tells you or doesn't. I hope you have faith, people and/or other tricks to help you when you find your way in a straight jacket of fear and no matter how loud or many times that voice says you can't beat the fear or you can't do something I hope, even if you just start out continuously whispering it, you can remember to say that is a lie. With that I say goodbye fear, hello hope...and of course a video! It only seemed appropriate to include a video of storyteller/illusionist Harris III since I did talk so much about tricks. This is probably my favorite of his because it is such a great visual to show and tell who Jesus is and how He is the Truth. So if you have never seen it or are thinking how can an illusionist be a Christian and teach about God then I most definitely recommend you give it a watch.

Up On The Mountain

A lot of times when someone is going through something they will say they are in the valley and when they make it through they will say they are on the mountain. It's a good analogy, who doesn't like the amazing views from the top of the mountain? You can see how far you came and maybe from that view it doesn't look near as terrible as it seemed while walking up. I was recently walking on a trail in a state park. It was toward the end of the day, we'd walked a few trails already and at one part of this trail it was a straight up hill. I got halfway up this hill and I said, 'I'm done. I get to the top of this hill that's it I'm done...' And I was, I didn't care about the view at the top and how it may be worth it or even how close I may be to the top of that hill because my out of shape self just didn't think I could make it (more on that later on though). How often do I (maybe you too) do that in life? More than I should probably but not as often as I did (I hope) because I think I'm getting a clearer picture. That antennae is getting moved so the picture is becoming more clearer (growing up for awhile we had to use an antennae to get any television channels and where we lived certain times of the year it could be difficult to get a decent picture but when you got it just right boy could you see the picture).  Some few years ago, 2011 to be exact, I was fortunate enough to see Pikes Peak in Colorado. Before the day we went to the top of the mountain as we were traveling to different places you could see the snow capped mountains just about anywhere you went in town. Stunning. The day came we got to go to the top of the mountain. At the top the view was amazing, one could see how it inspired the lyrics to what would later become the song America The Beautiful. Let's travel back to the valley though or I'm going to get to far ahead of myself. So the valley can get a bad name. People automatically think if you are in a valley you are in trouble, you're not in a good place and it's going to be a long, rough never ending walk (and sometimes it can be those and feel like you're never going to reach your destination). Maybe the view of the mountain gets blocked by all of the trees and such so much so that you may start to feel defeated. Hating that valley yet? Can I point out a couple or so good things about the valley? It is here where the best plants grow, where the best nourishment can be found and generally found pretty easily even if sometimes you got to take the time to search for it. Down in the valley is where you can find a water source. You can more easily find shelter which is not to say to put up permanent camp and just quit trying to get to the top of the mountain. Rest, yes, find the nourishment and water that is going to help you be able to walk that mountain but don't stay so long it becomes a comfort zone you never want to leave. My point that I hope to make is that when you are in the figurative valley to not get so distracted by how long or rough the walk is you don't see the creek with the clear fresh running water that's right in front of you and your so thirsty but you are so focused on something else, maybe that irritating bug that won't leave you alone, that you don't see the water that could so easily quench your thirst and give you the strength to go farther. Or you don't see the food and shelter that are easily accessible. These figurative things could in reality be several things including family, friends, or just the opportunity for you to sit reflect/pray/meditate/ or just grow in trusting God or grow in some other way. Sometimes in life I think we all have different mountains to see the view from but we get comfortable on one mountain and stay there longer than we are meant to or we get intimidated by the valley that we will have to walk through to get to the other mountain that we just don't go. See I don't thin the valley is always bad because sometimes it's just the bridge that connects the other mountain to the one you are on and it's just nothing more than a simple little walk to get to the other mountain and you can enjoy the stroll. It can be a time to strengthen your muscles (or faith or whatever you want to insert here). So we've made it through the valley and now we are on top of the mountain and looking at the view, and wow what a view, eh? The mountain can be a time to just bask in the beauty of it all and rest because we all need that. What is this? You look down and see that spot where you wanted to say I'm done and it is then you realize just how close you were to the top and breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't stop and/or turn around and go back. See when I was on top of Pikes Peak I realized that it was worth the risk of getting dizzy from the high elevation to get to see the amazing view and I also realized that it was worth being in the valley to be able to look up get the full picture of the snow capped mountains. Earlier I mentioned how I was on that trail and said I'm done. Well I did walk on to to the top of the hill and when I got there and looked down at the view I forgot about why I didn't want to keep going and was just in awe of the view(and can I just say that although I got a long way to go before I get in what I would even say is decent shape there was a time that I really would have just quit and not gone any farther but that day I only had to stop one time and kept going). All of this isn't to make light of the real valleys and mountains people have to climb I guess it's more of just to say don't give up and don't be so intimidated you never try to walk to another mountain or you stay in the valley so that you never get to see that amazing view. There's a line from the song I'll Keep On by NF that says I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means and sometimes I think that we can get so comfortable in places that we don't even realize they have become like prisons until for whatever reason we get to take the step out and look back and see where we were and the freedom you feel being away from that place.There's also a line from a song called Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson that states, ' I'm tellin' you somethin' this racing, this running oh, you're working way too hard! And this perfection you're chasing  is just energy wasted cause He love's you like you are!So go ahead and live like you're loved.It's ok to act like you've been set free.' I love that part because sometimes we get stuck in the working to hard to be perfect and get stuck or even regress but it's not about that. So to end this I guess I'll just say that wherever you are and however far it may feel or really be for you to get to that mountain please don't give up because each step you take forward is a step that gets you closer. See I don't know if I'd say I'm on a mountain or a valley and I'm not sure it even matters to have it labeled as either because what does matter is that I'm moving forward to the place I want and am supposed to be.

Since I mentioned Pikes Peak figured I'd add a couple of pictures from there.

Who I Am...

Sometimes whole driving, working or like now when I'm trying to go to sleep I somehow think of the most random questions, thoughts and such. One of those was recently while working I thought who am I? Not as in I really didn't know but what kind of question that is and what would my answer be. Then I thought I've already written something similar to that and went digging to see if I could find it. I didn't but I did discover a bit more of who I am. You see normally when people ask that you say your name a few kin folks names and maybe where you are from. A couple or so years ago I wrote a poem called, ironically enough Who I Am, kind of a this may be who you see me as but I am so much more. If I remember correctly there was a line that stated I am more than how I fix my hair or even the clothes that I wear. It is in there, actually I just found it and even with that poem it's amazing to see how who I was then to who I am today has changed for the better I think. Maybe that post is where I wrote about this question of who I am. Oh yeah back to me looking trying to see if I wrote about this already or not. Some of the title didn't jog the memory so I opened them to read. Quite often I thought no way I wrote that or how'd I even get to that thought (only God knows I'm convinced). I noticed something else even if ever so slightly, there was times of growth, maturing if you like. There was times of sorrow, confusion, apparently a lot of magenta days but a change through it all and though I hadn't really seen it besides most recently I truly began to notice it reading a few of those posts. I gave up trying to find out for sure and figured I'd just write it again if I have already wrote about it. Because even if I did already write about it I'm not the same person now that I was then and the next time I think of that question and write about it I hope I can see how I have continued to grow and change for the better becoming more and more to who I am. But who is that. At the end of that poem I wrote 'now there are chapters to review. This tale will have to be continued as I walk this land to find out who I am.' When I posted the original poem on Facebook someone wrote something along the lines of who you are is a child of God and a couple other things. At that time I couldn't whole heartedly believe or accept that, today I would say you know what yeah I am. So I suppose if I was to answer the question of who I am this would be my reply:

I am a sinner that is forgiven.
More chances then I deserved was I given. I laugh, cry and fall
Some days I do them all.Perfect I never will be but God still loves me. Everyday that I live  kindness, my time and love I try to give. So to answer who I am I'm not sure I that I can but I'm not in the same place thanks to God's amazing grace.

 So maybe that is one of those questions I spend to much time trying to create the perfect answer but flaws and all is what makes me who I am.

As I was trying to sleep I just felt this urgency yet the need to wait. Kind of like when a race car is at the starting line waiting for the light to change green. Hesitate to long after the light changes you lose valuable seconds, get in a hurry and go before the light changes you get some kind of penalty but keep the focus on the light (God) with the urgency and readiness and it's time to go oh the places you will go.

That's about all the thoughts I have to share