Taking A Step Forward

I woke up this morning at 1:00am after an unexpected but much needed nap….this might be the point where I warn you to get a few snacks because this could take a bit to navigate through my thoughts. So if you so choose and if you have your snacks (and patience) shall we buckle up and take a ride? As I was saying I woke up early, like I sometimes do with my very erratic sleep pattern, and like I also often do I grabbed my phone and got on Facebook. I read a few of the things trending and some other posts that my friends had shared and I had to put the phone down. One of my first thoughts was united we stand, divided we fall and my goodness how we seem to be falling. But when have I just had one thought? So I somehow went from that to the tortoise and the hare story. Don’t ask, I give up trying to figure out how my mind does that but I promise I have a point if you just stick with me. I think everyone knows the story of the tortoise and the hare. In my early morning train wreck of thinking on this fable I thought you know to many of us have become the hare (I’m pointing all my fingers to myself). Think about it, the hare bragged no one can beat me I’m the fastest one around. The day came for the race what did the hare do? Took a nap and when he woke up he saw the tortoise hadn’t gotten that far so he ate and got sleepy so took another nap. Each time the hare would look and see the tortoise seemingly hadn’t gotten very far and the hare thought he had plenty of time to cross the finish line…until it was to late and he lost the race. Now when I say I’m the hare I’m not necessarily saying I’m going around bragging that I’m the best at this or I can finish this first or better than anyone. What I am saying though is to often people think they got plenty of time so they let other things distract them and/or hold them back. They look at the racetrack (life if you will) and think oh I got plenty of time. I think to often we look at life like we do that screen on the phone and all we see is this ridiculously small part, and it’s time we get a panoramic view because the blinders have made it look like the tortoise isn’t that far ahead, like we’re still a long way away from the finish line. On car side view mirrors it often says objects in mirror may appear closer than they are. Free thought alert…we are running the race looking through the side view mirror. Everything looks closer than it appears giving us the illusion we have plenty of time, or we’re insignificant we can’t make a difference. Lies, all lies. Let’s just say we do have plenty of time, what are you doing with that time? I don’t know about you but me, well I’ve been spending to much of my time like the hare and taking naps and just going through the motions (there’s a whole other blog post in limbo right now that gets into all of that, that one may or not get posted). Making excuses why not to do something just yet. I think if you was to ask someone without ever even reading the story which animal would win the race, most would say the hare. Everyone is so concerned with finishing the race first, somehow that got important like you’re a loser if you’re not first. It’s just important that you finish, take the scenic route, get lost a few times, whatever happens don’t get so discouraged that you quit taking steps toward the finish line. I applaud those marathon runners that keep running long after the first person crossed the finish line. They get it. It’s not important where you finish, it’s just important you finish. You know what I admire about the tortoise and why I want to be more like him? His steps were slow but he kept moving. To often in life when we’re to focused on being first, or let’s just be honest, we’re to focused on self we miss out. Actually, I saw this presented in a way this past weekend that made perfect sense. You put it in a way I can see it right in front of me or pull a Sophia Petrillo and say Picture it….it helps make more sense and something clicks and it sticks with me a lot longer. Anyway back to the tortoise. I want to be like him because no matter how slow or small his steps appeared to others he kept moving forward. And again it’s not about being fast, I often wonder how much we miss by worrying or being so focused on everything else. It’s like we become the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland and all we can do is say, ‘I’m late! I’m late! No time to say to say hello, goodbye. I’m late!’ Then what happens we very well may miss the opportunity to talk to someone that either we may help get a little further on in their race or they may have been sent to help us carry a little of our load or take some stuff away or a number of other things. Now you may be thinking wait isn’t that more like the hare and stopping, how is that moving forward. We all have pit stops in life, some expected some unexpected. Some look like they are going to destroy us and make us lose the race only for us to look back and at least for me think I see what you did there God. I think if we were walking with the tortoise we would see he had pit stops, he probably stopped and got him something to eat but maybe he also had a pit stop where he met a snail and the snail was like I wish I could do that but I’m even slower than you are there’s no way I can finish the race so the tortoise took the time to encourage and give the snail some wisdom he had learned along the way. Perhaps the tortoise got so far and he started getting discouraged he got a heavy burden that was slowing him down even further. Then along came a butterfly that landed on his shell and started whispering some words of wisdom to the tortoise. Because you never, ever meet anyone by accident. You ever watch Bob Ross (the painter), I used to love it when he was painting something and I knew there would eventually be a tree. Sounds silly but if you’ve ever watched him you know he never painted just one tree, he always painted that tree a friend and I loved what he’d say, ‘Gotta give him a friend. Like I always say everyone needs a friend.’ You see we all get tired, we all at one point or another get a heavy load. There’s a song called I’ll Keep On by NF (featuring Jeremiah Carlson) and part of it says, ‘Oh these hands are tired, oh this heart is tired, oh this soul is tired but I’ll keep on, I’ll keep on, I’ll keep on.’ Speaking from personal experience I know that sometimes it can seem impossible to be able to keep on but I think that’s often times when God paints us a friend or someone you may have never even met (in my most recent case both) to provide a way so you can get rid of some of that baggage that is making you tired. Seeing as how I’m on a roll with quoting songs and using stories and such it’s like the song That’s God by Jo Dee Messina and the part that states, ‘when people make a difference just being who they are, or when someone wants to lend a helping hand. Maybe it’s somebody who just takes the time to listen to let you know that they understand.’ It goes on to say how that’s God, obviously these people aren’t really God but He places these people in your life or let’s you see that sunrise/sunset, the waves of the ocean just to remind you or in many cases to help you. And I truly am grateful for the people and even the circumstances that happened that were meant and what I thought was going to destroy me because they ended up bringing me right where I needed to be and to meet the people I have and to be fortunate enough to have the friends I do because as I have said many times I don’t make it easy to be my friend (or didn’t but I think that wall has been torn down not to be built back again, dear God please don’t let me ever, ever build that wall again). Before I take another side road I guess I should end this with some points that I intended to make but not sure I really have.  I hope that in this race called life we can remember and find the ability to slow down because it’s not how fast you run or even how you start but being able to cross the finish line that matters. In the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise says, ‘slowly does it every time.’ A slow step is a step and as long as you are stepping in the right direction and moving forward it is better to take your time because as I did mention you just never know who and what you might learn from them along the way. You ever met people along those pit stops that encourage you to take a major step of faith and I’m thinking no I’m good really but they help you along or give you words of wisdom. I’ve had people do that and then maybe ask if I’m mad or apologize saying they don’t mean to be pushy or whatever. To those people thank you because with me sometimes that’s just what you have to do and if I wasn’t so backwards on hugging people I’d totally give each of you a huge hug. I appreciate anyone willing to take the time to help me, and I appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from people that they don’t even know about. I just read a blog post from Billy Coffey and he talked about asking people questions on why you pray all the smart people with the degrees just left him with more questions but good old Ralph while sitting at the Dairy Queen eating his cheeseburger,  well he had the answer and he didn‘t need to turn around and grab a lot of books from his bookshelf or rely on a Ph. D. degree (not sure how that fits in but somehow, somewhere in my land of many thoughts it does). I’m not really sure how to end this, I’m not even really sure this is where it should end. I imagine you’re getting pretty low on snacks now and maybe even patience. Just remember you’re not the only one in the race and you don’t have to finish first. That person walking beside of you that looks like they are holding their own in the race, they just may need a pat on the back or an encouraging word just like on down the road you may need the same thing.

Psalm 30:5 - ….weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning

Change In The Making

Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”  (or so the internet says truthfully I'm not entirely for sure but that's not the point). I tend to get lost in my head...a lot and it can be a toss up if it's a good thing or not. I am rather thankful and love it when I hear a song, read a passage from a book or hear something someone says and it flips a switch to help me find that elusive thought. I am very visual person (which considering how truly terrible my vision is could be borderline ironic I suppose). So sometimes when I hear a song something will pop in my mind or when I read I am walking in Narnia or the old town in the West. I also tend to start with something and go so many turns and so far I don't even know how I get there but that's part of the fun I suppose. Tonight I was listening to the song Change in the Making by Addison Road and something clicked, truthfully the whole song did that. Part of the particular song that did this states, This is me under construction...and every day I'm closer to who I'm meant to be I'm a change in the making. Here's where that visual thing kicked in and I pictured a big block of stone and someone chiseling away. Then I took it further and thought what if I was that block of stone that got hid by all this stuff until it finally started getting chipped away. And what if when each piece of that stone that fell turned into the word of what was being chipped away. Like the quote at the beginning of this with each chunk of stone (or lie if you will) that falls away the real me emerges. I love this song because it's saying there's a better version of me but right now I'm a total mess but that's okay because things are going to change because you (God) aren't through with me yet. I believe that I have to take the step and responsibility towards the change but I need Gods help one hundred percent. I can't chip away a lot of those things without God but I can't start getting rid of this stuff if I don't take the step and responsibility in handing over the chisel and hammer or whatever tools need to be used. Basically just don't get so lost looking at the stone (the mess) you forget to chip away and find the person that got hid away by the lies and such. We're all messes but we're all also a change in the making.

20/20 Vision

You got to have a storm, or at the very least rain, to help things grow. In much the same way we sometimes have to go through storms but all storms eventually pass. Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Awhile back I wrote about having to have steroid injections due to some issues with my eyes. Well I thought all of that was over and I was back to my normal trouble seeing, until today. It would seem what was initially said was wrong with my eyes really wasn't the real issue to begin with. It is no secret nor do I ever pretend not to have a fear of losing my vision so needless to say I wasn't looking forward to my appointment today. Long story short I was told I have optic nerve drusen. Thankfully I don't think it's to big of a deal and the name is fun to say. According to the vision field test I took, my peripheral vision ian't so good but I'm a terrible test taker so not sure how accurate that was. At least I can't tell or feel that my peripheral vision is as bad as that test says it is. Funny enough the doctor asked again if I was bumping into stuff or just clumsy. Tripping on air is my talent and I can't help things like to jump in my path. But apparently he was saying that the optic nerve drusen could be why. I say sometimes clumsy is just clumsy but I guess sometimes it isn't. I still just say I'm clumsy the end. Needless to say my emotions were all over the place on my way home. And to be honest I feel bad for even worrying because it truly isn't that big of a thing yet here I go trying to fret over it. As I was contemplating another cry on my way home I saw some storm clouds (those April showers wasted no time showing up) and though it was a dark cloud there was still some light around it. Got me thinking, it did. Sometimes, ready or not we get caught in storms but the storm always passes, eh? Now I am not trying to downplay the seriousness of storms some face. A storm is a storm and when you're the one in it I realize it can feel like the worse storm and it very well may be. For me I think it's that even though I don't know what this particular storm has in store for me I think what is meant to shake or drown my faith is going to end up helping it grow. At least I hope. I want to dance even in the rain (figuratively because that's as close to dancing I get and for that you are welcome). So it is my belief that this to shall pass and/or Lord willing I'll figure out ways to cope. I did say I wanted answers so I can't go to to much extreme on any emotion because I'm finally getting told something and like I said I don't think it's even that big of a deal. I guess since I'm writing all of this that doesn't seem like I believe that to much but I truly do. I personally think to many get caught up on getting through the storm completely dry or unscathed and thinking that means they made it. Somehow they think they have failed if they fall or it takes linger to fet through the storm than others say it should be (do yourself a favor and don't do anything based on others time table). To me it isn't about how dry you are when you get out of the storm. It's the keeping on keeping on no matter how drenched, scared, or how many times you stopped and/or cried on your way through. You can only be a quitter when you completely and whole heartedly quit. So not to be naive or anything but from what I've read and everything I don't think this will be that big of a deal. I might not gave nor will I ever have 20/20 vision but I got vision nonetheless and for that I'm grateful.

There Once was a Title...

Sometimes very random things happen to me and they strike me as funny or maybe a well huh moment. Yesterday I had two events, although one really doesn't fall in either of those categories, it would be filed under miscellaneous I suppose. We'll start with that one first. I was waiting for my frappuccino and was in a zone somewhere between listening to the workers talking and lost in my own thoughts. Not sure how long I was standing there but it wasn't that long and one of the workers realizes my cup is there and he says 'I'm sorry I didn't even see this. Why didn't you tell me?' I just say it's no big deal but I think even if I was the type to do that you wouldn't have heard me anyway. They then go on to say something along the line of thanks for being nice about it and I couldn't help but wonder how often people do get rude or at the very least impatient with workers at places like that. I just try to think they have a job that can be stressful and I don't know what they are going through in their personal life either so no real point in taking anything out on them. I'm a very impatient person but taking advantage of something like that to be rude or whatever just isn't my thing to do. To prove my point on being impatient not even forty five minutes later I unexpectedly had to wait for some work being done (trees being cut) and it wasn't that long but I started getting impatient and thinking I didn't understand why someone wasn't getting to go either the side I was on or people that bound to have been waiting in the opposite direction. Before that event though I had the funny random thing. There is a one lane bridge that I cross if I go a certain way which I did yesterday and in theory the cars should take turns so no one is waiting forever but that theory never happens. Generally if there is a car that is going the same direction you are and is already on the car you floor it like you're trying to get through a caution light so you can get on across the bridge. I write that from experience but for whatever reason yesterday I started to go across and suddenly stopped and backed up so the other people could go on across. The car that had been in front of me had barely gotten off of the bridge and the car on the opposite side was going to go no matter what which cracked me up and I thought oh wow they are aggravated and coming across no matter what. So as they get closer to my side I see they are rolling the window down and my mind comes up with a lot of scenarios of how this could go bad. Thankfully it didn't but I was right in that she was aggravated. She stopped and said something about if everyone would take turns you could go and not have to wait and then she thanks me for stopping. She went on to say something of what she thought she was going to have to do, I didn't catch it all but I'm fairly certain we all should be glad she didn't have to. Ironically enough just as I was about to go someone decided it was their turn so I had to back up again. Third time was the charm and I finally got to go. I just  kept thinking that was weird twice I got thanked for stuff that I don't even really know what I did and it was just random. I had somewhere I was going to go with all of this but I took to long to type it and now I don't know. I guess it shows that you can be appreciative for even the simplest things sometimes. I have a bad habit of saying thank  you every time someone agrees with me, could be a worse habit I suppose.

I'm not sure if other people do this or not but I'm not a good planner when it comes to going somewhere for a trip. Basically I get the idea of where I'm going and I wing the rest of it. I might try to look up some popular attractions and think of some things I could do but never set anything in stone. I guess it's because I know how indecisive I am so I give myself many options for when I no doubt change my mind and only decide for certain right before I leave the house or am on the road. I don't tend to be that bad when I'm going with someone mainly when it's solo trips.  So with that in mind I've been trying to figure out where I could go for a few days. Most places I can't for various reasons and most all come back to I can't go there by myself....or can I? That's where I'm at now because I have a safe back up place I can go to get away but I want to go somewhere different. My goal is to go to different places I've never been this year. I've about convinced myself that I need to go to this place it will be a quick trip but I'll get to see what I want or at least the two things I know for sure I want to see. When I get there I may regret not having more time. Really as long as I use common sense I don't see why I should let going somewhere by myself hold me back. I have tried so much to find somewhere else to go but I keep going back to this particular place. Whatever I do and wherever I go I just hope I can get away for a few days and I hope I don't let fear keep me from going somewhere, common sense sure but not the fear.

With that I guess all that is left to say for now is thank you for reading this, especially if you got to this point.