Now what?

Can't never could do anything....you know my brain goes about 100mph with thoughts, like constantly, and y'all think I'm quiet take a ride in my head it's loud in there but in it's travels thus far this morning those first few words came to mind. Actually I was thinking about something and thought I can't do that then I thought I say I can't a lot and then I thought can't never could do anything...Keeping up so far? I'm not so there's no telling where else this may go. Funny how sometimes I'll be going through something, not having told anyone or just be thinking something and it seems I see something or someone says something that goes right along with what I'm thinking or going through. Today keeping with the can't theme for a bit longer I saw a painting/drawing of a bear holding a pencil marking something out. On the wall was written 'what if I can't' but the bear was marking out the t so it now said what if I can and I loved the quote the the artist wrote with it (by the way it was on the Facebook page for My Painted Bear, you should check out her page or website) but she had written: strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't. You are so much stronger than you think.... You also ever notice how the fears, lies and such get so very much louder and more intimidating the closer you get to where you are supposed to be even if that getting closer is just taking one step forward. Like you manage one step forward thinking oh that wasn't that bad I can do this and BAM!! out of no where here comes an army of lies and fears and junk that makes you want to tuck tail and run - figuratively cause I don't run in real life, thirty two years and some days I still can't quite get the walking thing. but what a shame one can't literally lose weight from the figurative running from things. So here's where I find myself, I feel all of my life has been nothing but being stuck on a carousal  of going in circles of the same fears, lies, etc. then the past year or so has been me trying so very much and failing oh so badly at trying to move forward and I have made a few steps forward but I've been figuratively running back more times then I can count but each time I feel like I'll start to run back and after a few steps I have a wait a minute what am I doing moment and stop and have a stare down with the walls and stuff keeping me from going forward. Some days I win and get that step forward, some days the fears, lies, etc. wins and either runs me back a few steps or at least stops me from going anywhere. In a way it gives me strength and hope because it has to mean that place where I'm trying my absolute best to get to must have an amazing view and something big is going to happen when I get there or it wouldn't be such a fight, would it?

So apparently quiet people can make people nervous, who knew? I'm just content in my little corner listening but I guess sometimes it can seem like I'm not listening or what you're saying isn't getting through to me. As I briefly wrote on a FB post I promise I am listening and am making notes to what you are saying. Now sometimes it's a struggle to listen because you wouldn't believe the battle that is going on in my head but still most of what you say is getting through and though it may take me a while to apply any advice given it is there and I'm fighting with everything in me to take the advice to heart and apply it. I'm not sure who said it but I read once that quiet people have the loudest minds. I'm not sure how true it is but I tell you some days I do wish I could find that mute button. But either way I don't mean to be rude in anyway if I ever come across that way.

I titled this 'Now, what?' and if I had to answer that I think today I choose to face these fears and lies and such even if it is with trembling knees even if it means today I get that step forward but tomorrow I get knocked down because I will get back up and face them again because though I may be quiet I've a feeling this quiet girl has an amazing journey if I just keep moving forward.

You must become unshakable in the belief that you that you are worthy of a big life ~ K Lohr

 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
Psalm 91:4

Life, eh?

We said together, wistfully, 'Life, eh?' It says everything without having to say anything: that we all experience moments of joyful or painful reflection, sometimes alone, sometimes sharing laughs and tears with others; that we all know and appreciate that however wonderful and precious life is, it can equally be a terribly confusing and mysterious beast. 'Life, eh?
-Is It Just Me by Miranda Hart (if you choose to read this book, and you should, nay you must read this book because it is hilarious)

Life - a joke I'm not sure I'll ever get and sometimes I feel like the punchline, or is today your turn to be the punchline...who knows? If you do can I have a hint, just a little one? No...okay, moving on. Wait, do you know which way we're supposed to turn? Oh dear I think I may be going in circles, now to find that button to stop this part of the ride and move on. In my driving adventures to see what I can find to take pictures of I generally just see a road and take it making several turns not always paying attention or thinking through said turns. This often results in me back tracking myself and ending up close to where I began which I jokingly think is a rather perfect analogy of how I find myself managing this ride called life. It's a peculiar ride isn't it? In real life I can't handle rides like roller coasters and such and sometimes I can't handle this life ride. Usually it is in these moments where I'm like nope I want off this ride, can't do it anymore, then life (I should say God cause I'm convinced they are God moments) brings someone to help in one or more of a variety of ways....oooh squirrel moment totally random thought but you know I always call life a ride and like a roller coaster has so many carts where people sit and throughout our life we'll have people get on the ride some only stay for a ride or two some longer. In my ride I'm cool with you riding along but I'm not the best at letting people sit in my cart with me. Don't judge, and I'm getting somewhat better about it...maybe, possibly...probably not but I'm trying so there's that. Actually a peculiar thing seems to be happening because be it good or not I am usually really good at keeping people at a distance (nothing against you, I have my reasons though, not important). However, it seems that barrier is slowly, albeit very slowly, it is disappearing. I'm still not quite sure how to feel about that but I suppose it's time to see what's on the other side of that barrier. (Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this? - Esther 4:14b) but enough about my ride. In general I guess it's important to appreciate those on your ride called life and know it's okay to let people even sit in your cart because everyone is on your ride for some reason. Some will stay for a long time some just a short while but they will make some kind of impact. And yes there will be some that get on your ride that will not be out to help you but they are there for a reason too just make sure you don't try to keep them on the ride longer then you should and don't forget to take a ride or two on your friends ride called life because as you read in the quote earlier (you didn't skip the quote did you, scroll back up and read the quote even if you read it, it's good enough to read again!) as wonderful and precious as life can be it can be terribly confusing and mysterious too. A much appreciated and heart felt thank you to those that have found their way on my ride and I hope I have been more help than hindrance to those I have been on your ride called life. Because I still ain't getting the joke! Life, eh?

Find Rest My Soul

I sometimes tend to go stretches listening to the same songs, odd since I get tired of listening to the radio because they play the same two songs (and endless commercials with the exception of K-LOVE and Air-1) but I guess at least I get to pick the songs I'm listening to over and over. One of those songs is Find Rest by Francesca Battistelli I guess because I've been a bit restless and such....stuck I've felt stuck. One of those you're already in the pit trying to climb back up, maybe you've got to the top but you misstep and fall back down or are at the top but just need that little help to pull you all the way out. That particular song had a couple of lines that got stuck in my head (I think I should change the title to stuck at this point) and go figure they ended up being a reminder to me to keep pushing forward, climbing if you will, because obviously staying where I was at wasn't helping me any. I also had a light bulb moment and realized that I just found the title for the last thing I wrote which I also realized I hadn't shared on here and can't really break tradition now. So though I may not be completely out of that pit at least I'm not stuck and am almost out of that pit and as those couple lines that are stuck in my head from that song say find rest my soul put your hope in God (and keep an eye out for those people that show up with the encouragement, helping hand but don't quit climbing or give up if those people aren't around and never ever forget that you matter)...

Find Rest My Soul

By: April Donahue

I can see the hurt in your eyes
The emptiness you feel inside
So unsure of where to turn
And question the lesson to be learned

 You are feeling so broken
Fears and doubts left unspoken
Thinking you can't go another mile
But remember this is only a trial

You try to run and hide
As those same old lines
Keep running through your mind
Saying you don't belong but my child

Cast your worries
Rewrite your story
There is One who cares
Your burdens He will bare

For God understands your hurts
And knows your true worth
You are loved more than you know
Time to plant that seed and grow

Turn that page
This is a new day
Start a brand new chapter
Full of hope, joy, peace and laughter

So if your day is sunny or cloudy and gray
Keep fighting today and always
For the truth causes walls to shatter
And never ever forget that you matter

An Invisible Thread

Hopefully this doesn't turn into a book report but it is brought to you by a book titled An Invisible Thread by Laura Schroff and Alex Tresniowski (and the Letter O and the number 3....it felt like Sesame Street briefly!). Moving on this was a great book and I do recommend it. Briefly I will tell you it is about a woman walking to work when a young boy asks if she has spare change. At first, like so many, she ignores him and walks on but something stops her and she goes back to the boy. She ends up buying him a meal and it starts a friendship that ends up helping  them both in so may ways and continues to last.

There is an ancient Chinese Proverb that states: An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break.

That proverb is in the book and I had never heard it before but I really like how it is put because I truly believe we meet everyone for a reason. I like to think that invisible thread is God.You may think I'm crazy for that which is okay and maybe I am. This book reminded me that we all for one have a story and two, there has been at least one event in our life (many times more than one) that has shaped us in some way be it for better or worse. Be it that homeless person we turn our head to try to ignore or that person that has the best car and designer clothes. To often it seems people are stuck in the idea they can't make a difference because they aren't rich or they need money to make a difference and that's not true because I believe, and again maybe I'm wrong, but I believe that at the core of it all people really want and need is to know that someone cares. Maybe that's why in 1 Corinthians 13:13 it states, And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. And again sometimes I think we equate love and showing someone we love them as having to spend a lot of money but at least speaking for myself I don't think that is true. If I could list you every example of how people has shown and proven to me that they care none of them would involve spending a dime, if anything was spent it was their time and patience while busting through the walls and taking the time to listen and/or help in some way. Even if money was spent it wasn't some extravagant thing it would be something as simple as buying a gravy and biscuit or fixing me something at their house...shoot even letting me come to their house. I have to share this example from the book. The boy didn't have food at home and really wasn't sure where or when his next meal would be so the woman gave him a couple options one being she bought the food and would pack him a lunch and he stop by every morning on his way to school and get it. He thought about it and asked if she'd pack his lunch in a brown paper bag. She agreed but you want to know the reason why he wanted the lunch packed in a brown paper bag? When he saw the other kids that brought lunch that showed someone cared for them and when he had that lunch to bring to school in a brown paper bag it not only fed and nourished his body it gave him something to see and know someone cared. Sometimes I look and am amazed at how the invisible thread led me to strangers that helped me in various ways for me to never meet them again and for those strangers that became some of the best friends one could hope to have while on this ride called life. I always think things happen for a reason and I can look back on certain things and see how some situations that I thought were going to destroy me actually happened in a way that was in my favor and though I may not have always picked the right road or stayed on the right road the invisible thread was weaving its way through all of it to help me meet the people I needed to.

I will close with this quote from the book from Laura where she states: But the beauty of life is that inside these disappointments are hidden the most miraculous of blessings.What we lose and what might have been pales against what we have.

In Between Days

Today reminded me of one of those in between days where winter isn't entirely ready to let go but you still see signs of spring. Those days where the mornings and night can have a crisp feel but the afternoon is so beautiful you forgot you the cold crisp air woke you up without the aid of any coffee. And there are those days where the April (or March as is the case now) showers show up to bring May flowers. Those showers, I don't know, they are kind of like in between days. The rain can feel inconvenient at the time especially when it shows up on a day when you had the perfect plan of how to spend the day outside and sometimes it can hurt getting pelted by the rain especially when there is a wind swaying the raindrops at just the right angle and force. Although for the most part I like a rainy day even on those days when it ruins plans or causes a little pain in the end just like the flowers appreciate that refreshing hydration and I appreciate the beauty of the flowers that bloom I can see how the rainy in between day was needed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a in between decade because thirties are an odd age yet quite possibly my favorite thus far because I am finally finding out who I am or at least better understanding myself. Of course there are still days where the rain pours or at the very least the sky (my thoughts) gets dark and gray with threats that the biggest storm of my life is going to let loose and I won't make it through. You know I got thinking about that today and the thought came out of the blue really that I am thankful and appreciate the light because I have known the darkness. I think I started this post by putting the cart before the horse in ways but hopefully I get what I want to say out where it can be understood. To get that in the right order I guess I should write what I don't really want to write. At the top of my no doubt fairly long list of shortcomings/failings is that I tend to try to carry my load by myself because I don't want to bother people. On the other end of that I try and hope I succeed in doing my best to help others carry their loads. I try to be a person that you can come to me at any time and I'll listen to what's going on and do whatever I can to help relieve the heaviness of the load, most of the time that is just being there to listen. I'm notorious for any time I do open up or whatever whether you know it or not I go into a panic and immediately think why did I say that I've said to much oh I really wish I hadn't said that. It's pointless but I still do it. I admit and bring that up only because in the past couple or so weeks I have been reminded that we're not on this ride alone and it's okay to let that person(s) know hey I'm having a major in between day that is pretty dark and cloudy. Sometimes it's just nice knowing there is someone that is there not because they're just wanting gossip to have to spread, or to belittle you but to be there and help you. Sometimes when you carry so much for so long you just have a bit of a difficult time seeing the good that will come out of what is going on. Because I guess I was also reminded that to some degree everyone we know and meet is facing something or at some point will have one of those days. I also learned that apparently I am still good at hiding just how I feel, I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or not. I guess my point is that when you have these kinds of days may you always remember 1) that you matter, 2) it's okay to let others help you carry the load, 3) if you're like me may you always keep a tight hold on your faith/hope, 4) may you always hear and believe the voice of truth and not the one that can sometimes so easily tell such believable lies. Because sometimes the storm that was meant to destroy us in the end it makes the blossom that much stronger and brighter. I guess I've wrote enough but I will end with sharing a quote I read from a picture I recently saw (I unfortunately don't know who to give credit for saying this but it was well worth sharing) and that was: Never, ever tell me that 'it doesn't matter' because if it was enough to make you cry, it it hurt you that much then it does matter. Never think that you are insignificant or that your problems aren't important because you matter.

Broken Chains

I've had this story posted before...well a version of it that I recently read again and decided I would try to rewrite it, even changed the title (cause you know I am terrible with titles). I think I'm okay with this version, I just probably shouldn't read it again or I'll find something that I'll think needs worded differently but there comes a time you have to say a story is finished and let it be or there could be nothing to the story but a bunch of words. In case you never read the original version or whatever the idea of this came from a lesson in a Sunday School class and it was to write a few sentences of what Barabbas may have thought that day and the wannabe writer in me couldn't let it go at a few sentences so a few days later I wrote the more in depth story and after a few changes and this final change this is what I wrote. It's not meant to add or take away from anything, ultimately the end is my story.


Broken Chains

I opened my eyes unsure of whether it was day or night. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure what day it was. When thinking is all you have to pass the time by  what day it is doesn’t always matter. As I stood up the tug of the chains that had me bound reminded me quickly of where I was. How long had it been since I was thrown in this prison? It was then I overheard the guards talking. They mentioned something about Passover and how Pilate would often pardon one prisoner. In fact, he was doing so today.
    I wasn’t going to start planning my first day of freedom yet. Honestly, could anyone really set me free? There were more people happy to see me rotting away in this prison cell than ones ready to see me outside among them again. Sure I may have broken a law or two. I’d probably do it again but I’m not that bad of a person and I’m certain there are people enjoying their freedom that have broken as many and even worse laws. My thoughts were interrupted as the guards dragged me out of my cell. They said they were taking me to Pilate. Could it be that I may have a chance to be pardoned after all?
    I soon found myself standing in front of a large crowd of people. I almost wanted to ask the guards to take me back as the voices of the crowd grew louder shouting about the other prisoner I was now standing beside. As I listened more closely to the crowd I could hear them saying, ‘Crucify Him! Crucify Him!’ It sounded like a riot could break out any moment. I looked at the crowd then at this man beside me. They called him Jesus and were accusing him of serious crimes and were really wanting Him to pay with his life.
    Maybe I can start planning for my first day of freedom after all. Wait, I spoke to soon because it was then I heard Pilate ask the roaring crowd what evil had this Jesus done and wouldn’t they rather just release Him. Great, I’m so close to being free yet still so far from its grasp. Oddly Jesus remained silent throughout all of this. When Pilate asked the people who they wanted released to my surprise it was my name they called out. Pilate must not have believed it either because he repeated the question and again it was my name they shouted. I couldn’t believe it, I was going to be pardoned. I must admit I was a bit upset Pilate was trying to keep me imprisoned and let Jesus go. However, I began to think of what all I had heard about Jesus. There were talks of how he had fed thousands and had even healed people. As I was thinking this I could still hear the crowd almost joyfully chanting ‘Crucify Him! Crucify Him!’ I then began to question why these people were so determined that Jesus shed his blood on a cross. Standing beside Jesus I found myself really seeing him. It was odd He was on the brink of being crucified yet He didn’t act mad or even try to get out of this. Here I was about to be released only because they hated the other guy more. I’d lived my whole life not really caring about any consequences my actions may have on my life or others. I’ve done wrong to so many yet I was walking away.
    Jesus acted like He was meant to be there. As if He was willing to die for someone He really loved. Whoever it is they must mean a lot to Him. That’s a strong love that’s willing to take the pain and agony of death by crucifixion. I wonder if they’ll appreciate it or even recognize what He’s doing? It was then I realized the guards were taking my chains off and began to push me away from Jesus and toward the crowd. As I stepped toward the angry people in the crowd I looked back at Jesus.
    I had a feeling that is still difficult to find the correct words to truly describe it but everything was finally sinking in on what had just occurred. I was trying my best to sort it out in my mind. Why in the world were they letting me go? There was no denying I was guilty of the crimes I had been sitting in that dingy cell for but what was Jesus really guilty of? Now these people were not even thinking or concerned that I was back on the streets living among them or that I could easily go back to my wicked ways. I should have been excited, or at the very least relieved, yet I still felt like a prisoner. I couldn’t help but ask myself why were they letting Jesus be beaten and crucified? He was dying for my crimes, for all of my sins. You may not believe me but it was as though He knew that too. That’s when I finally started understanding it all a little more. That was the reason Jesus didn’t speak up and defend himself, to say anything to get out of being punished by death. He really was not only dying for me but everyone. He did love me and care about me. When I understood and finally believed that, it was like I became a different person. I didn’t feel like a prisoner anymore, the chains were truly and finally coming unbound. All those chains of guilt, hate and even shame that I hadn’t even realized I was bound by were being removed.
    Some may remember that day as one that justice was served to Jesus, this man that supposedly broke the laws, but that’s not how I remember it. That day will forever be in my memory as the day Jesus, an innocent man and the Son of God, loved me enough to be crucified and I, the one that deserved that fate was set free…truly set free.
  


 I heard this song earlier today while listening to Pandora while working and thought I'd add it here just because it's a good song, I like it and well why not add it. 

Just a Number

As I was driving around today I got to thinking and if I'm honest I was thinking about weather or not to fully cross that line to frustration. With what, you may ask, and am I glad you did! I was about to get frustrated....okay, I was at the very least bothered by the number I saw when I weighed this morning. Oh, the number didn't go up but it didn't go down either. I'm stuck....but that's not exactly what I want to focus on because you see in the end that number that showed up is just that...a number.

That number doesn't tell you anything about who I really am. It doesn't accurately or completely show the outer shell of my being. Somehow we to often see that number on the scale (now why that and diet aren't considered bad words is still beyond me) and I, and maybe you too, think that defines us. Like if we were to look ourselves up in the people dictionary all that would be there is that number. I don't think that number would even make it because as stated earlier it's just a number. Who I am is so much more than that number could come close to showing. It doesn't show how I can find the corniest jokes funny, my favorite book, color or movie.  It doesn't show how often I go walking in the woods to enjoy the sounds and sights or to clear the clutter in my head. It doesn't tell you about the amazing people in my life, doesn't tell you about my faith or about my dreams. No, it's just a number. One that the scale doesn't show, or accurately show, just how I have been more conscious of if I am eating cause I am hungry or bored and how I have been exercising.
But you see I got trapped in that lie earlier today, that lie that all that I am and who I am is all in that number. I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what more I could do to get that number down. I hate labels and here I was labeling myself based on a number. Oh, but I am so much more...and so are you. May we get the idea of the perfect number and size out of our minds and just be the perfectly imperfect person that makes us each who we are.