Autumn

Autumn has officially arrived. Spring and autumn are my favorite seasons. The weather is the perfect temperature and I know it's just in my head but it seems like I can see the beauty around me better. I love seeing the leaves change color in the fall and getting to see them return brand new and so fresh in the spring. All of the seasons bring about something new and some kind of change but it always feels like spring and fall bring about the best and most beautiful changes.Seeing all of the different colors one last time before they all disappear is like reading the last few pages of your favorite book, you savor each word like you'll never get to read it again. Then when spring comes around it's like finding that same book again after months of not being able to locate it and getting to enjoy revisiting with the characters and how they change, just like you wait in anticipation for the first flowers to bloom and the leaves to grow on the trees.  I love driving around in the mountains and seeing all of the colors from the leaves changing before they make their graceful fall from the tree. I'm not a big fan of winter but the little kid in me is a little excited that all the predictions show we might actually get snow this year and no ice/sleet but not thrilled about the predicted frigid temperatures. I guess it'll make the approach of spring that much more better when it does get here. Until all that gets here I'll just enjoy the moment and keep watching the changing colors.

What To Do...that is the question of the day

A while back I wrote a short story just to see if I could write a story, than I got some more ideas and added to the story and again thought I was done with it. I had let a couple people read it and one never mentioned it so I just assumed it was so terrible she couldn't even read it and didn't want to say anything in fear of hurting my feelings. Last week, she came up to me and said she read it and didn't want to put it down (not trying to sound like I'm bragging cause I still can't help but wonder if that was an exaggeration, but either way I'll take it) and then she goes and asks me 'So, what are you going to do about it? What is your next step with this story?' I was really content, or at the very least able to lie to myself and say I was content with it staying on my computer and no one seeing it. That was until she asked me that question and now I have constantly been asking myself what are you going to do about it, is it even good enough to try to do anything with? I have tried twice to post on Facebook to see if someone would be willing to read it and give me an honest critique of the story and add any suggestions of what should be added, deleted, or if the whole story is so bad it should be thrown away. I didn't keep the status up for very long because I suddenly got very anxious and worried that for once someone would actually say they would love to read it and that kind of freaked me out. I desperately want someone's opinion about it but apparently not enough to risk someone actually reading my story.  I also have had some ideas come to mind of ways I could add more to the story. Right now I would need to add roughly eight pages to get the word count where I could technically call it a novella and I think I could easily do that with the ideas rolling in my head. I just have a lot of self doubt that I could write that good of a story and again if I did write a decent story then what? I'm not going to lie several times through out my life I have dreamed of being able to have a story published, or since I have wrote some poems even one of them being published. I truly love to write, just like reading, it can take me anywhere and I can better explain myself. I just don't know who to ask that will read it and give an opinion and am I willing to believe their opinion, if they say it's good I would constantly think they are just saying that but if they say it's terrible I'd believe that way to easy. So now I'm stuck with trying to figure out what to do because that is the question!

Stroll Down Memory Lane

I'm not really sure why I'm writing and actually posting this, maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to visit the memory again. I always find it interesting the things that happen that will cause you to take a stroll down memory lane even when you didn't intend to turn down that road. There is an elderly lady that goes to my church who has cancer and by the looks of things the cancer is about to win the battle down here but she gets the final victory. I had been wanting to go see her but things wasn't working out so I could and this past Sunday things worked out perfectly so I could go with a couple other people. When we got to her house we were sitting in the living room area and when she walked in it took me by surprise how much she reminded me of my grandma. I'd never looked at her before and thought about my grandma before but that day I did, many,  many times. I tried not to think on that because that can cause a breakdown if I'm not careful. We got to visit for awhile and when she was sitting in her chair she looked at some roses someone had got her for her birthday and she pointed them out and mentioned how pretty they were as well as some other flowers she had gotten. Again, I caught myself looking at her and thinking that sounds just like my grandma. Before we left she wanted us to pray with her, while the others I came with stood with her to pray I was just going to stand back and let them do their thing but as it was I ended up over there too. As I was standing in front of this person she said here hold my hand, now anyone that knows me any knows I'm not one for being touched or being in contact with other people, this time I didn't even think about it but just held her hand. After they finished praying she let go of my hand and hugged me and as long as I live I'll never be able to fully explain it or the feeling I got but in that moment it was just like I was not only hugging this person but I was getting to hug my grandma one more time. I guess where she has lost so much weight she was about the height and weight of my grandma is enough to explain it away and that I was just imagining things but as crazy as it may make me I like to think there is more to it than that. Oh, and did I mention she is the same age as my grandma.On top of that, yesterday as I had gotten out of my car and dropped something off at the house and as I was getting back in my car I happened to look down and wouldn't you know there was a feather on the ground. I couldn't help but smile as I reached down to pick it up and add it to my collection of feathers I've got in my car. I like to think it's my grandma's way of saying hi.  To not make this to depressing I should also add that before we left she had mentioned that she isn't in any pain, so thank God for that and I'm so glad that I'll always have the memory of getting to visit with this sweet lady I'll have the memory of that hug.

A Rambling I Will Go

I may be wrong, but I think every one at some time or another has dreamt of what it would be like to be another person, perhaps walking in the footsteps of a famous public figure. I imagine that's why those fortunate enough to have the gift to portray others get into acting so they, for a little while, can become someone else. I wasn't blessed with that kind of talent but I do have an exceptional love of reading and that is how I become someone else and travel to many different places and time periods. I must be honest and admit for awhile I had lost the enjoyment I so often got from reading but thankfully the past few books I've found to read have brought back my appreciation and want to read. Not to mention it has kept me away from television, at least until the new season of Castle begins, so that's a positive thing. The only bad thing is when reading a good book I become torn because I want to rush back to the characters and see what happens next but then I don't because I know it will be over all to soon. If you read this blog much at all it is no secret how these last few books have really got me thinking, if that's good or bad is still debatable. I've not finished the current book, To Know Her By Name (by Lori Wick), but I just had to try to sort through my thoughts and try to write. I love this book  because the main female character is quiet, clumsy, and keeps people at arm's length, much like myself. In the book Callie, or Pup, is clumsy but only when she is herself. See Pup works for the treasury department as a spy and when she takes on a new persona for her job she isn't clumsy. She even has to use this at times when she's not on the job. Now to what the book got me thinking about. I think that just like Callie we sometimes have to put on a different persona and clothes to not show certain sides of ourselves and it all can depend on who we are around or even due to circumstances surrounding us at the time. I find it a bit fascinating how we can, even at times unknowingly, put on these different facades around people. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism or our way of being who we think the other person sees us as. Some people of course do it to hide who they really are, whether it's because they really are a bad person trying to not let it show or because the person is afraid to let others see the real them for fear of rejection, ridicule, etc. Just like in the book Callie is beginning to wonder if her job is worth not being able to trust people and having to keep them at a distance I can't help but wonder if we are putting on these facades without fully seeing or understanding the possible consequences. I know certain people I get more quiet around all the while I'm so desperately wanting to talk to them. Being clumsy, well I'm just starting to claim the ability to trip on air as a talent and go with that. Like Callie, I've gotten to the point I just go on like nothing happened when I trip on that invisible high place on the floor. I don't think there is nothing wrong with having different ways to interact with people, just like there is a time and place to act a certain way there are many different ways to interact with people but when does it cross the line of becoming someone you really aren't? I think that's what's important to know and understand about oneself. I may be quiet and clumsy but that is the real me, granted, if you pick a select few subjects I'm more talkative but still quiet and always clumsy.  I won't say I don't or haven't put on facades around people because if nothing else I have when I would put on my I'm okay face when inside I was most definitely not okay. Now for my very randomly placed favorite quote from the book(so far, although there was another that really made me laugh but taken out of context it loses what makes it so funny):

"You don't say much do you?" McKay
"Not if I don't have anything to say." Callie
 (I wish I could remember to say this the next time someone brings up my lack of talking.)

Honest to goodness last thought. I know this post, like so many of the other ones I've written, doesn't make much sense. If nothing else I hope my point that we shouldn't layer on to many different persona's because we may soon lose some of our true personality is found somewhere in all these sentences. Even if it doesn't seem as glamorous or doesn't make a difference our personality makes us unique and whether we see it or not and for better or worse it can make a difference. One should never, ever compromise who they are just to fit in or be who they think someone wants them to be just to keep them in their life. Whatever your true personality is it is what makes you who you are and me who I am even if that does make me quiet and clumsy with the tendency to keep people at arm's length.

Whispers in the dark

I recently heard something said about failing that was so simple and made so much sense that I don't know how I didn't see it before. One of my biggest fears is failing. Now for the simple example that has me thinking... Imagine if you had only one egg to eat and you had to carry that egg a mile back to your house before you could eat it. You're going to hold that egg very carefully and watch it to make sure it doesn't fall out of your hands while you're walking. Suddenly as your walking, watching the egg very carefully, you tripped and the egg has fallen out of your hands and cracked, your only meal slowly falling upon the road. Why, you may ask, you was being so careful, watching the egg, but that was the problem you was focusing more on the egg and failing instead of just carefully holding the egg and focusing on the road and where you was going. You can't focus on your failures that you already have made or the could be failures (which I personally think are the worst ones to hold you back and make you trip) or you'll always feel defeated, not to mention, you'll never make it home to fix that egg (or whatever you would like to eat)!

As I mentioned in an earlier post I've been reading the second book in this series I'm reading and last night I finished Whispers in the Moonlight. Since it kind of goes with the previous paragraph I'll just save a post and write about it as well. You know how in movies sequels are usually never as good and sometimes that can be the case for series of books as well but not this time, the second book had just as much, if not more in it's own way, to offer. This book focuses on Travis and Rebecca and how she has to marry him without really knowing him. After her father passes away circumstances cause Rebecca to believe Travis only married her to get her fathers ranch. With growing assumptions and doubt Rebecca chooses to listen to all the questions rolling around in her mind and with growing suspicion and doubt that Travis cares about her but more about the ranch she runs away. Without giving much more away Travis and Rebecca both have to face a lot of things and discover a lot about themselves before you get to the happy ending. I, like Rebecca, tend to put walls up and take something that is said and make dozens of turns down assume drive, which can be a one way road that is hard to find a place to turn around on. You know how it is, all those questions attack you and come out of nowhere and they all always go down the wrong road but seem so legit and no way it isn't true at the time. And with the walls being built, mine aren't to keep a husband away, but like Rebecca it still hinders me and my friendships, or lack thereof. Another thing was how at times Rebecca would try to tear the wall down and change but fear quickly rose at the last minute causing her to quickly build the wall back up and forget about trying to change because after all she would fail anyway and Travis didn't really love her. I, personally, do the same thing with making up my mind I can do something as simple as going up to a friend or acquaintance for example and starting a conversation and will play it out in my head only to chicken out at the last minute and build the wall back up and only keep the conversation on my end to the bare minimum. Anyway, Rebecca finally starts letting the wall down, not completely but enough to make progress and I think the wall will come completely down in the third book. So like Rebecca I got to remember not to do 20 questions in my head all based on assuming what was behind the short conversation exchange and how something was said sounded may not have been intended the way I took it (someone sounding like they are mad at you when in fact they are just short with you because of something personal going on in their own life that has absolutely nothing to do with you type of thing) I got to remember it's okay not to always have the wall up.I'm posting the video for the song Austin by Blake Shelton because it is a perfect analogy of how Travis' love never dwindled or stopped for Rebecca while he searched and ultimately had to wait for her to come back to him. In fact if this book had a soundtrack, that would definitely be on it. What can I say, when I read I am not only there I also include the musical score too!

So next time you, or I, have those whispers in the dark about failing remember to take one step at a time and focus on where you're going instead of all those questions/thoughts pointing out how it could go wrong. Easier said than done but I think it's worth trying, at least for myself, maybe you will to. Here's to learning not to focus on my failings and short comings but on the finish line, and how I will make it there without dropping my egg. :)