Address in the Stars

Twelve years ago today my very dear grandma passed away. Like so many people, and even some things or abilities (walking, talking, etc.), I didn't fully realize how much I depended and needed her until she was no longer here. As I've stated in a previous post I can finally look back at my actions that day and no longer regret not waking my grandma up to tell her goodbye before I left for school. I won't say I wish I could see my grandma again or that she could be back here again. That would be to selfish on my part and I couldn't handle having to say goodbye to her again. I do wish there was a way I could write her a letter to let her know the person I am and continue to try to be and how much things changed for me. I wish I could tell her how much she helped me get through college and so many other things in life even though she wasn't physically here to see me deal with those trials. I often wonder if she'd be proud of the young woman I am. Even though it's been twelve years I still catch myself going to tell her about something I accomplished, or for advice, or sometimes I even see something in a store that I just know she would like and I'll pick it up and momentarily think I'll buy it for her only to remember I can buy it but there's no mail service where she's at. I am at peace with my grandma's passing because I know she is no longer in pain and the rheumatoid arthritis or cancer isn't bothering her anymore. As long as I'm living there will be a part of me that is missing. I am thankful I had seventeen years to watch and learn just a portion of the wisdom she had to share. I know she loved me and I know that without a doubt she knew how very much I loved her. If I could write her a letter I would tell her I am doing well, I have a great job and have been blessed to do a lot of traveling. I would tell her how I have a lot of great people in my life that help keep me in line and just make life fun. I'd thank her for always being there and how I can't wait to see her again. When we do meet again I'd promise her I'd give her a huge hug and we'll go take a long walk or just sit awhile but we'll have a nice long visit. Most of all I'd just write thank you and I love you. The memories may not be as fresh and crisp in my mind as they used to be but I'll hang on to them with every thing I have. I'll smile every time I see a cardinal or hear Alan Jackson or the other little things I see and hear that will remind me of her. I'll talk about her to anyone who will listen because even though there is no address in the stars I can keep her memory alive and let everyone know what a special person she was. There have been several times since my grandma passed away where I'd be thinking about and/or missing her and while walking I would randomly find a feather (she loved birds of all kinds). I'll always pick up and keep those feathers, in fact, I have several clipped to a thing on my car visor. There may not be an address to physically send a letter to my grandma, but maybe, just maybe, those feathers area a way for my grandma to let me know she's okay. Crazy perhaps, but it gives me peace and comfort and makes me smile every time it happens. Although twelve years ago my grandma went to a better place and I didn't think I would survive without her I have been blessed in ways I never imagined and I now try to remember this day not as the day I had  to say see you in a while before I was ready to (because goodbye is so final) but as the day she got the ultimate healing and peace she so deserved. Love and miss you forever and always Maw-maw, thank you for every thing.

Funny, yes (to me anyway)...True, most definitely

Picture it, 2014 on a cold snowy day. I get frustrated with something at work and decide to walk outside to clear my head and see how much it has snowed (I don't know if that's even a word but I'm from Kentucky so I'll get made fun of how/what I say anyway).. Seems pretty normal until I turn the doorknob to go back in and realize it's locked. Frantically I  pat my coat and pants pocket, empty as empty can be, not even a sign of a piece of lint. Panic strikes because not only do I not have my keys I don't have my phone, what am I going to do, how is anyone even going to know I'm locked out. So I walk to the end of the road to the laundromat where my aunt (by marriage) sister works hoping she knew her cell number. I get there and she doesn't have her number but thankfully she emails my cousin on Facebook. So I trek back to my uncles house to wait outside in the cold snowy weather still unsure of how long I'm going to have to wait outside and what I should do. Mind you I didn't layer up, have my good winter coat or even a pair of gloves on because I didn't listen to that little voice in my head that morning when it said to do so. After two hours I was starting to panic and get very, very cold and not really feel anything. At that moment I thought I heard a door shut but thought I was just hearing things but figure why not peak around the corner to see and lo and behold I see my cousin. You know how they say you see mirages in the dessert well I thought just maybe that could happen when you get to cold so I walked toward her thinking I must be imagining her. I walk up and say 'What are you doing here? Then I realize wait she is really here and this is the best thing ever and then I continued by saying, not that I'm not glad you are here because I really am. Thankfully she had a key and we got to visit for a couple of hours. You best believe I gave her a hug when she unlocked that door. Thankfully, my boss was understanding and now that I know I'm going to live I have a funny story to tell. To bad I've deactivated my Facebook for a little while, go figure as soon as I do I have something hilarious happen. The situations I can get myself into and not even try.

this to shall pass...

Gotta have those bad days to go along with the good days to better appreciate the good...at least that's what I keep telling myself, that and knowing that this to shall pass...eventually. Until then I'll keep on keeping on and write along the way.

put a smile on your face

acting like every thing is okay

saving the tears for the night

wondering when it'll be alright

telling yourself it's just a trial

it'll be fine, hold on for awhile

don't listen to the others chatters

just hear the voice of the one that matters

it's just a lie to tear you away

from the one who loves you sincerely

as you struggle with your feelings inside

you pray not to stray to the wrong side

Good or bad days, thanks you give

for yet another day to live

put that smile on your face

because thank God it's all okay

Crossroads of Life

I kind of feel like I'm at a crossroad and I don't know which way to go. It's like being somewhere you've never been and you've lost your directions and when you get to an intersection the street signs have been torn down so you have no idea where each road could take you. In real life if I was driving and that happened my philosophy is you don't get lost you just added to the adventure and took an even more scenic route. Perhaps I should start having that outlook on my life because right now I'm just standing still looking right and then left and from where I stand I just can't tell where either way could take me or which could even be best for me. That's kind of a crappy feeling, you know, cause I don't want to go back but I can't do anything different until I take one of these other roads and  I know there's something for me to do but what. I think my indecisiveness is really hindering me because at least if you're a type of person that is go all in no questions asked then you just go for it no matter what. Then if you're the type that is to afraid to try then you don't even set yourself up to be put in those types of situations. Finally, there's the indecisive folks, which is unfortunately my category. Not sure if all do this but I'll stand at said crossroad FOREVER contemplating every single scenario then I'll finally decide to take a road only to get so far and freak out running back to the intersection. This will happen in both directions until I'm back stuck at that intersection again and seem to decide maybe it's just easier to stay here. As I type that out and realize just how true that is for me I also realize how lame and what a terrible way to spend my time. Although on a positive side even if I do stand forever at the crossroads at least I'm not going back to where I know I don't need to be. I guess until I can either make up my mind or just realize that it's worth taking that first step on to whichever road I'll continue standing here at the crossroads, waiting and contemplating the many scenarios of the would've, could've and should've.

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People Watching

I'm roughly 95% sure I've written about this before but because I'm in a writing mood and there is that 5% chance I really haven't written on this subject I'm going to keep on typing like I'm on a great mission...which I am and that would be to bore you. It is no secret I am in introvert with a hint of shyness and a whole lot of other interesting stuff that makes me who I am. Part of that is that I love to people watch, not the obvious, rude staring stalking kind of people watching. It is interesting to me to watch people as they are on their way through stores, in a park, or any other number of places. Something about it reminds me we are all equal in that no matter what social status you may or may not carry, how much money you may or may not have we all live this life one day at a time, one breath at a time. The one and only time I've ever flown I found it fascinating to watch the hustle and bustle of the people in the airport as they went to get their luggage, to wait on their flight, or to grab a bite to eat as they waited. I have a tendency to wonder where people are going and go overboard on the thinking and wondering what their story is. We all have a story and perhaps it's the reader and wannabe writer in me that brings this out I'm not sure. Many times when I'm driving, especially on the interstate, when a car passes me I have an unintentional habit of looking at the license plate to see where they are from, or at least the car is from. Many times I think they may be going back home but if I'm heading down I-75 South and see a car from say Ontario then I tend to guess they are going somewhere on perhaps a dream vacation. I also have the habit of looking at the license plates even walking in a parking lot and wonder  if the person is from out of state if they are visiting family that they haven't seen in quite some time. Another fun part of this whole people watching thing is the listening to what these people say...now I ain't doing the out of my way terribly rude nosing to hear them but the parts of the conversation they are saying that are loud enough you can hear without trying. I have heard some of the funniest parts of conversations because of this. How I have kept form getting cursed out or worse is beyond me but usually when I laugh or smile enough to get the persons attention (unintentionally might I add) I've only gotten a smile or laugh in return. That is another thing that reminds me how when you get right down to the basics we are all the same. I guess what I'm getting at is instead of rushing through the mall or park and getting annoyed at the people that just seem to get in your way on your way home why not take the time to do some people watching and take in some of the sights and conversations going on around you...you may just be surprised how many are going through the same things or very similar situations as you are. Even if you don't maybe you'll be lucky and be like me and hear a funny conversation that gives you a laugh that you may so desperately need. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking or the dreamer in me but I think if we all took the time to see people for just that people with feelings, their own struggles and most importantly perhaps their own story then just maybe we wouldn't be so quick to judge and write their story in our minds (and 9 times out of 10 we aren't even close to getting the story correct). I must say that when you do this to you may just see that person that has a smile on their face, well you just might see a faint shine on their face where a tear just streamed down and they didn't have time to wipe it away. Or perhaps you'll see that single mom give her kid the whole cheeseburger as she tells her child she has already eaten and isn't hungry but it's clear neither have had a decent meal in awhile. Sometimes it takes the time and patience of people watching to realize we are all human, making the same mistakes and having dreams that we just can't help but wonder if we'll ever see them fulfilled.

Hello 2014...let the randomness continue

I can't believe almost a week has already went by in 2014, this time needs to slow down a little bit. I have already messed up a few checks by writing '13 instead of '14, I'm figuring about the time I get used to writing and saying it the new year will be mere hours away. I can say that I walked to work in wind chills that were below zero and I do believe that's a first. This is one time that I'm ready for the dysfunctional Kentucky weather to hurry up and decide to warm up, I'll even take a tease of it just happening one day. As far as this year goes I have to say that even though I feel like I started the year being indifferent about it I now feel like this is going to be a great year. I have no idea what I'm going to face and I may end up having to face the most difficult challenges I've had to face in my life to date but whatever comes my way I think some of those walls I've built up are going to be destroyed for good. There's a line in a song that says I just feel like something good is about to happen, I just feel like something good is on its way and that's what I feel like is going to happen this year. Maybe it isn't for me but maybe it is and as long as I think there is a maybe of a chance it is me I'll take it and hold on to it like it's my life jacket keeping me afloat in the water.I have to say if nothing does happen the rest of the year I'm happy how I ended 2013 and started 2014. To date I have lost 35 pounds with a  goal of losing at least 15 more and then I'll go from there. I feel so much better physically but if I'm honest I still see the old me when I force myself to look in a mirror (I despise mirrors) but I am slowly starting to feel better and even be nicer to myself.

Sometimes I wish there was a soundtrack for life just because I think that'd be awesome and here lately the theme from The Twilight Zone would have been played a few times. There's nothing in particular worth sharing but those little things you find yourself wondering and just thinking about (that's kind of redundant isn't it?) only to have someone bring up the same subject or that particular thing get answered unexpectedly without ever bringing it up to anyone. On that note I believe this will finish my first post this year.