What do you mean 2015 is already almost over?

I don't know if I'm the only one that feels like they just blinked and suddenly we're already almost at the end of 2015. I feel like I just got used to writing and saying 2015 for everything. I'm not one to make new years resolutions or at least not as far as at the beginning of the year stating I'm going to blah blah blah. I do constantly try to improve on my shortcomings but I don't make that a well I'll start on that in the new year or what have you no offense if that is something one does. I say do what works for you on improving or meeting ones goals not what the studies say to do because what works for the majority or for another person doesn't guarantee it'll give you the same results. With that I think I'll revisit a bit of what happened in 2015 for me again I didn't start the year with any real resolutions or really any particular goals. I do have to say that this has been overall a really great year. I love to travel but knew I wouldn't get any big trips in but ended up getting to have some of the best travels by just driving around the backroads and discovering hidden treasures of places. Better yet I got to go to some of these places with people I really care about in fact a couple of my favorite trips fall in that category. I got to meet new people this year. I think, hope, that I have matured and grown in ways. So as this year closes and a new one is about to begin I am thankul for all of the opportunities I had, the friendships I have and continuing to grow and improve not only in my faith but also into hopefully a good person and friend. Here's hoping that 2016 for you and I brings opportunities to meet whatever goals you have but perhaps most importantly may each day give us a chance to show others we care and encourage and help each other in this life because one can always use an encouraging word or help or to know they matter.

In closing I thought I'd share a few of my favorite pictures from my adventures this year.

 From one of my favorite trips that I got to go one this year

 This was another fun trip to see Anglin Falls

 From Winter Jam this year. This is always an event I look forward to going to not only because it is a fun, encouraging concert to go to but it's always great to spend time in line and at the concert with friends.

 Got to make a couple trips to a couple of zoos this year and this was probably by far one of my favorites I've ever gotten the chance to take

 I love music and as much as crowds can stress me out I love going to concerts and this was one of the absolute best concerts I was fortunate enough to get to go to this year.

 I added this one not because it's really that great of a picture although it was amazing to see Cumberland Falls that flooded but because it was one of those top favorite trips I got to go to not necessarily because of the destination but who I got to spend the day with. This particular day I got to spend with my little cousin and it was such a fun day.

  Autumn colors and mountains, doesn't really get much better!

I always love when I get a chance to find a covered bridge to go to

My Grown-Up Christmas List

It's that time of year again when generally you often get asked what you want for Christmas. I'm not a big fan of that question for a few reasons. One being I don't want people to spend their money on me and if I do happen to have something I could ask for I always feel like it's to expensive even if it is a used book. Another reason is because what I want for Christmas can't really be found or bought at a store and for whatever reason people tend to not believe me when/if I tell them these things that are found on my grown up Christmas list. For my personal list if you was to ask me here is what I want: for you to be my friend, which I tend to make more difficult than that initially sounds. It truly is that simple of a list, I don't need any expensive gadget or whatever is the next big thing just knowing I have a friend that is there for me. Since that list never cuts it I also find it amazing how difficult a time people seem to have finding me a gift (hint: you can even try asking one more time for me to do something with you and I might surprise you and say yes this time) but seriously books I can't feel guilty when I am gifted a book whereas I can sometimes feel when I buy that book I really wanted but need, well that could be argued. You know it always amazes and makes me happy when people will see something and they say they thought of you because that means they were listening or paying attention to something you said or did (also listening could easily be added to the grown up Christmas list because we all like to feel like we're being listened to when telling a story or that secret or something that you are going through). This time of year, as I recently put in a status on my FB page, can be a difficult time of year for people. It is a time with one of, if not, the highest rates of suicides which is heartbreaking (actually so no matter what time of year this happens). If I was to make my grown-up list a bit broader and not just include me here is what it would basically be this:

 That we would have a bit more patience and understanding. Not only during this time of year but the whole year around. For you see we truly don't know what others are going through. Recently I was in a store and was talking to an employee and had asked how his day was. When he greeted me he had a smile on his face and really friendly but when he answered my question he said he was having a long day and went on to say he had a lot on his mind. Just thinking about stuff. I didn't pry as to what was going on but said something along the lines of those days are rough and I hope things get better. Was there more I could've done probably I'm not sure but I will say that at the time I wasn't even going to ask how his day was going, which is rude on my part but I felt like I needed to ask and I did. And I think that's what I'm learning is that 1) you don't ever know what battle people are facing even if they have the biggest grin and seem like they have the perfect life and 2) it's not going to take a whole lot of your time to ask how someone is doing or take a few minutes to visit them. What seems trivial to you may make the biggest difference to someone. I've had people just randomly send a text or email and say something and it made my day and really encouraged me or someone has given me a hug when I needed it and just really helped. Never, ever underestimate what a kind word or deed will mean to someone even if it's just taking the time to listen, truly listen to them.

- To me the true meaning of this season isn't about the amount of boxes with your name on it or how much was spent or what is even in the boxes. When it's all said and done and people ask how was my Christmas I don't think about the gifts I got I think about who I got to spend the time with and hopefully we made memories. I mean it sounds like a cheesy Christmas movie I realize but it's true. I'll greatly appreciate those gifts that I may receive but I'm big on it's the thought that counts. I'm just adding to the cheesy factor, huh?! It's the truth though because for someone to even think about me or see something and they say I saw this and thought of you and had to get it for you or even taking the time to write a note or whatever I appreciate it more then I probably convey. 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas is one of my favorite books and cartoons to watch this time of year and I love this line:

And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling:
"How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!" He puzzled and puzzed, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before: "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store-- Maybe Christmas--perhaps--means a little bit more."


 I guess I just want my list to include more of me taking time for others even if it's something as simple as sending a Christmas card. And not getting frustrated at the long lines in the store or at the cashier who may be having trouble because to some degree everyone we meet is going through something. So I guess in essence my Christmas list is for me and others to be more kind, more patient, more understanding, take the time to listen and don't forget everyone you meet has a story, and is going through something be it good or bad so if they tell you a story or about something that's going on share in their excitement if that's the case or offer a shoulder, kind word or something if it's a struggle they are facing. As dorky and ridiculously cheesy as it is I truly believe we meet people for a reason be it in passing or we get to be around them for a bit longer.

I suppose I should add a Christmas song but for whatever reason this song came to mind as I was typing this...

Fill In The Blank(s)

Going to school I would sometimes get work sheets where there was a key with words and then so many sentences where I had to use those words to fill in the blank of those sentences. Sometimes the key would have more words than sentences which was probably the time I had the strongest dislike for those sheets. I bring those worksheets up because I, like I tend to do to often, got thinking and there are times I think we treat people like one of those fill in the blank worksheets but the only problem is we all to often are using the wrong key with the words to fill in the blanks (sorry over using that phrase). I think as we grow up and the people we interact with we build up a key of words we associate with certain kinds of people we meet, whether they truly fit those words or not. For example, I wear glasses, the most common (besides the ever popular four eyes) terms one hears is geek, nerd, and smart. I may fall into none,any or all of those categories but I just wear glasses because I can't see without them. Or maybe that cheerleader/model type person you see and automatically think is stuck-up/snobbish when in fact they are one of the nicest person you could ever want to meet. The examples are many but I'll move on to my next thought dealing with this. This would be the box of words we seem to automatically have available for when we're talking to certain people. Ever been talking to someone and they keep trying to fill in the next words you are going to say and they are way off. I'm guilty of doing all of the above examples and I've had them done to me. Or the ever popular I know exactly what you are talking about and they go on to give their own example of what you are talking about only for you to be sitting there thinking that is not even close to what I was talking about. So then you replay the conversation in your head trying to figure out what you said to make the person get to that conclusion. Sometimes when trying to tell something it's like when trying to tell a joke and a person keeps interrupting with what they think the punchline is to the point that by the time you get to the punchline you have 1)forgot it yourself, 2) it's no longer funny cause the rest of the joke has already been forgotten, 3) you can insert your own for number 3 cause I seem to have misplaced my example! I think to often we try to guess where the person is going with what they are saying that we never hear anything they are saying and that's a real shame. I'm one that it can take a while to get my words organized to say what I want to and then I still don't seem to quite get it right but often times in those breaks I wonder if a lot isn't getting added to those blanks and if so I wonder how much is way off. I often wonder how much of what I do say and what is heard is understood (cause I do know it is difficult to follow me and my very random thoughts in a conversation. I can barely keep up and I know where I'm trying to go) Maybe to a certain degree we all feel a little misunderstood or not heard and maybe we all are. I guess, if there was a point, it would be that perhaps we shouldn't limit the words that will be used to a key of the same old used words. Sometimes it's good to add to that list, sometimes it's good to forget you even have that list (I'm finding the older I get the easier that is becoming whether I want to or not!). Most importantly of all, at least to me, is to not think there is a fill in the blank we need to fill in but instead we just take the time to listen and if we find there is a blank that we didn't hear or wasn't said then ask the question that way the correct word is put in to that blank.

Thankful...yesterday, today and tomorrow

November - the month of thankfulness and if you have a Facebook account you no doubt see friends that write something they are thankful for each day. About this time is usually when those begin to stop showing up for whatever reason. Considering what has been showing up lately in my newsfeed those days of thankfulness have been a welcome sight this year. I need as many happy, thank God there are still good people out there stories as I can to counter the banter, blame game and all of the negativity that if I'm honest sometimes feels like it's winning. I saw a picture recently that was about giving compliments to the stranger you pass (or even someone you know) because life can be difficult and people can be mean and you don't know just how much that compliment could mean to someone because you don't know what they are going through. I like to think I've made a difference, however small by doing this, but I can't say. I can however say I know this to be true because it has happened to me. Point being you just don't know what the stranger you pass or even your friend you're sitting next to is going through and it doesn't cost you a thing to give a compliment that could give them the encouragement or smile that has been eluding them. Tearing people down is easy. Take the game Jenga for example set the game up and with a quick push the blocks tumble to the floor but to set the game back up again it takes a little longer to get the blocks straightened out and stacked back up. People are like those blocks when they've been knocked down it can take a little while to get them stacked back up. So why be so quick to knock those blocks (people) down why not do everything we can to keep them standing. Maybe I'm wrong or weird or both and so much more but I just think now, perhaps more than ever, one should take that breath that you was going to knock someone down with and try to build someone up, to encourage them.

Now back to the days of thankfulness. I've decided to include a short list of my own of what I'm thankful for not only for the month of November but yesterday, today and every tomorrow I live to see. I'm thankful for everyone I've met and everyone that is in my life because each and everyone has helped me in some way whether you know it or ever realized it. Though at the time I'm not very thankful I am thankful and grateful for every storm I've went through because it helped me see that it is okay to open up and trust people, it helped and continues to help my faith grow stronger and thus far I have won every fight though I've not escaped all of them without some scars but that doesn't make me weak it just reminds me that with God, perseverance, and a few good friends this to shall pass. I'm thankful for those friends that somehow put up with me even when I tend to try to hide or just get lost and don't stay in contact with them as well as I probably should. I'm thankful for my health, job, food, home and all of the places I've been fortunate to travel to. I'm thankful for how much I've matured and grown over the years and for the opportunity to continue on this path for I may not know where all of the unseen turns are going to take me it's a ride some aren't fortunate enough to take or ride for as long as I have. So to everyone that has had a part in my journey I most sincerely thank you but most importantly I thank God.

Laughing in the Dark

One of my favorite comedians is Chonda Pierce who recently released a documentary titled Laughing in the Dark (it will be showing for one day only again on November 17th and you may want to pre-buy the tickets if you want to see it because they sold out fast for the showing on October 27th). It's basically a bit of her comedy routine and then you get a little more in depth look at the stories behind her jokes and her life. She states in the documentary that it was originally supposed to be showing how a comedian can keep things clean and things like that but life had other plans. She lost her mom and husband of 31 years within a span of two years, she has depression (at one point in her career she had to take a break because the struggle with the disease was just to much to handle along with keeping up with her career.). She also talks about how her career came at a price of great sacrifices. To not completely spoil the movie in case you go see it in the theater in November or rent/buy the DVD whenever it may be released I will just say that I truly appreciate her honesty not only in the documentary but in her shows and even in what she posts on her Facebook page. There are a couple more things I do want to bring out about the movie and I promise I'll try to wrap this up. The movie was filmed off and on over a span of four years and at one point it shows Chonda talking about the season she was/is in and she said something that really struck me. It was along the lines of this season is not fun and she said I don't like it, I don't have to like it I just have to survive it. I'm not a big hugger but that was one of a few moments that I thought if I could I would give you a hug and thank you for saying that. Let me tell you why. Because I believe to often we somehow got this notion that we have to 1)act like everything is okay ALL of the time, 2) we seem to think we either deserve what we're going through and/or have to like it or just deal with it. And all of that is complete and utter rubbish. You're not going to like everything about the various seasons one goes through in life and some of them will just be terrible and seem like it will never end. Don't be hard on yourself if that happens, sometimes you just have to go through various stages to get through that season. Be it talking to someone, praying, writing out your frustrations or whatever you use to cope with things. Just like if you are climbing an actual mountain there are varying elevations and elements that you are going to encounter and the mountains of life are no different. Sometimes you have to rest and sometimes you have to change routes or change how you approach the climb. And sometimes you're not going to like the climb and that's okay you just got to survive it even if that means at one point you think you are going to be climbing on hands and knees to the top of that mountain you just keep telling yourself I will survive this. Last, or one of the last things I'll at least write about, that she said that really made an impact was when she talked about how she got to a point where she just had to believe that God really was always there and wouldn't leave and would carry her (that's the basics not word for word obviously). Then after she made the couple statements of what she finally had to believe she said I may not always feel it but I always believe it. Because there are going to be days you won't feel like that is the case but never stop believing. See sometimes I think, specifically Christians get to focused on giving the churchy answer and making the outside look perfect when the inside is dying because for whatever reason the person may not have anyone they can go to and just say will you pray for me or whatever. Somehow along the lines it seems like saying your a Christian became you have to be and have to put on the front that everything is perfect and you are okay all of the time when that's not what being a Christian is. But I suppose I should keep all of that opinion for another time so back to that always believing thing. See I really like that because, and do please forgive the long drawn out analogy, but it's like being on that mountain and slipping. Now you are on the edge and quickly losing your grip. Not really feeling like there is a way out, eh? But somewhere deep down you still believe that it's going to be okay and you're hanging on to that belief when suddenly you see a rope that you can grab on to and use to help get a better standing and have something to hold on to that will help lead you back to sturdy ground. Because hanging on to that belief even when you don't feel it that is true faith in my opinion. Lastly, if you are that person that has a hard day or is going through a difficult season (or even has depression, anxiety, etc.) I hope that you have at least one person you can go to and talk to, have them pray for you, call a hotline where you can talk to someone if you don't want to tell it to someone you know just please know you are not alone and that you do matter. If you know someone that deals with this obviously it affects everyone differently but sometimes maybe you shouldn't just assume they are okay and sometimes we all at one point need to know that someone is there. So I say if you happen to be thinking of that person call, email, or text and just say you was thinking about them or if you pray well pray for them and let them know I was just thinking about you, how are you I've been praying for you...whatever, who knows that message may just be the rope that is thrown over for them to grab on to.

For Such A Time As This

For everything there is a season,  a time for every activity under heaven...
 Ecclesiastes 3:1

You ever see something and then before you realize it you are seeing that something quite frequently. Kind of like how you never see, or hardly ever, see a car like you have until you get that car and then you notice the exact same vehicle constantly. Sometimes I do that with other things like that bible verse. Actually, now that I think about it there are a few bible verses that seem to be popping up quite frequently which are the previously mentioned one, the one referencing for such a time as this (Esther 4:14) and the one that states God makes everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Two things I can take from this 1) I have to much time to focus on things...over think, okay I have to much time to over think 2) funny how these all have something to do with seasons and time. I'm one to believe that everything happens for a reason, things happen when they are supposed to (sometimes delayed due to our own actions or those of others but in the long run it can still generally be seen that there was a reason for that and it ended up happening at the right time), and that sooner or later the truth will always be found. The truth is out there - as the X-Files so often said (speaking of which anyone else excited to see the new episodes next year?) I think sometimes one can become like Rip Van Winkle in a way that one becomes idle, lazy, comfortable what-have-you and we stay in seasons longer than was the original plan or one is busy 'sleeping' and miss his/her for such a time as this moment. I'm personally also learning to not be to harsh on myself if/when I do realize I overslept in a season or missed an opportunity to get me closer to that destination for such a time as this. Call it a pop quiz I wasn't prepared for but remember the lesson and try to be ready next time. Not that I always handle it that well but I try.  Back at the end of August I got  to go to Air1 Positive Hits tour (not sure if I wrote about it or not because I get lots of thoughts and ideas and write them out in my head but never get around to getting them typed out here or written down in a notebook/journal). Anyway, it was by far one of the best concerts I have ever been fortunate enough to get to go to. A couple of things have stuck with me since that day. One being how we are all different yet so much alike. For example NF told a bit of his background and I can relate to several of his lyrics yet how we got there is different but if you think about it at the center of it fear, lies and a few other terrible tasting ingredients can be found. Another thing was toward the end of the show, actually I think it was the last song Crowder sang and ended the show with he said something that kind of stuck. I won't get it right word for word cause that was a couple of months ago but he said something along the lines of if you all could see what I am seeing from here on this stage. Which, as weird as it sounds, truly amazed me because here I am in this room of hundreds of people not knowing their stories but to think and somewhat get a glimpse or an idea of how we all are going through some type of season on our way to such a time as this. No doubt on that stage Crowder saw people raising their hands some with tears in their eyes, some maybe standing there with their eyes closed in prayer telling God I don't know how or why I'm going through this or someone I know is going through this but I know you are still there and for that I thank you or maybe, just maybe one of those songs that was sang that night reminded someone to not give up and they finally felt a ray of hope that had been alluding them. See I don't know or truly understand what season I am at right now but I know that I am here and I am who I am right now for such a time as this. 

I once had a thought...I think

Comparison is the thief of joy - Theodore Roosevelt

Comparison is like a ninja and will have stolen your joy and so much more before you can even realize it if one isn't careful. Why do we even compare our path with others anyway? All it does is cause one to get so caught up in all one is not and before long you are blinded to see all that you are. It makes you feel like you aren't good enough, not where you should be in life, you start to feel overlooked, unimportant and oh look now we have got boxed in with all of these lies and the truth of who you are is but a very dim light that seems to be fading quickly.

It's been so long and I've had so many, and I do mean many, ideas and thoughts of what I wanted to write that I'm not even sure if that was all I was going to write of the previous paragraph and if I was going to add more I have no idea what it could have been. With that being said (typed?) I'll go ahead and leave that, who knows I may come back to it before I finish this post up. I have no idea actually where to go from here so I guess just a typing we shall go and see where this path leads. This post sure is taking forever to write, I may have something decent by the end of September at this rate!

However, back to the comparison thought I originally started with (yeah I think I finally sort of remembered where I was going with the thought.) I find it somewhat sad that I (can't fairly say we since don't know if whoever reads this fits into this or not) but I sometimes get so busy comparing myself to others that I can forget we all have a lot in common if you think about it. Sometimes one can eadily get stuck on the comparison train, that thing will make you sick cause it just goes in circles and gets you no where. Seriously though if you listen you can constantly hear how people consciously or not compare themselves to others. When to some degree and at some point we are all fighting the same battle(s) or at least to get some of the same goals. Have you ever listened, really listened not just to reply but to hear the tiredness or excitement in a persons voice. I guess the point I wanted to make is not to spend so much time focused on the outside and filling in the blanks of a persons life when 1) you can take the time and listen to get the right answers to those fill in the blanks 2) we generally all have a lot more in common than we either want to admit or dare to see and 3) there's a purpose for the very road you are taking might not be the one you think you want or even deserve and you may be right on both accounts but the road of the person you compare yourself to well there may have been parts that person had to go where no road was and pave it maybe it was dirt or gravel for a long time but you are just seeing the freshly paved and painted road. Who knows that might be the very person that helps you figure out the easier way to get passed a big pot hole in your own road.

A few last random thoughts and I think I can call this post finished. Have you ever had to open an old file and pull out a piece of advice someone gave you or maybe from something you read? I have to do that sometimes but there are times the advice seemingly pops in my mind or I'll see something that off the wall makes me think of that bit of advice not even really realizing I needed it or that it could help with something I may be dealing with. That has happened a couple of times recently. And once again one time me randomly (as in getting out of my car just looking down at the driveway random) I found a feather (which is weird at how it makes me smile and reminds me of a couple of things I guess) and then a few things that people have told me. I know you think I'm not listening, okay sometimes I really may not be, but I for the most part am listening and taking as well as appreciating the help or advice. Funny random thought sometimes I get stuck on listening to a particular song for days, listening to other songs too but always going back to that one and hitting repeat A LOT! I've done that for the past couple of weeks on one song and wouldn't you know the singer still gets the lyrics wrong! Kidding but one would think if I listen to a song as much as I have this one I'd more than easily have the correct lyrics memorized. Repeating songs and the same topics on here are things I do to often perhaps. I don't know songs can be good with my version of the lyrics too, at least fun. Lucky you, assuming you've read this far, will get spared reading about this latest series I'm reading. To much to write to really get into, hopefully I do get around to it though. Until then don't let others in the driver seat of your life and be careful who you let sit in the passengers seat but don't ignore the people in the backseat
or at the stops I'm a firm believer in that there's a purpose for those we meet and are lucky enough to get to ride with on this ride called life.

Where is the restart button?

Sometimes a computer or phone freezes or for another particular reason you find that you have to restart the device. (or Pandora as is the case for me today) I think people are like that too I just can't find my restart button. Don't you just hate when that happens (with the devices and with yourself as well)? I hate feeling stuck. Being stuck gives me way to much time to think, as if I need more of that. Being stuck gives my frienemy an opportunity to find a way to sneak in (and no I'm not talking about someone who acts like your friend but is in reality an enemy though I suppose it could fit too but more about depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, things like that I suppose.) I think those moods actually use those stuck moments to hack in to your system if you will. And just like how it can be a pain to get the virus removed from the device or a few restarts to get the device running correctly a person can also be like that (not saying that things like depression and anxiety are or are not ever completely removed because that's not even on par with that comparison but just making the point it can take a bit for a person dealing with those kinds of issues to get back to feeling like them again.) Granted being stuck isn't always a bad thing or somewhere you find yourself in a negative or just not fun place. Sometimes it's like when I go hiking/walking and I get so focused on getting to the destination or proving that I can make it without stopping that I don't see anything around me or realize just how much I need to stop until I'm about to fall down from exhaustion. It is in that moment where I don't think I can take another step and find a place to sit down that I remind myself to take the time to focus on the scenery, the sounds and just breath...restart if you will. Maybe that's the restart button. In those times you feel stuck it's actually a gift to give you a chance to breathe and regain focus and composure not to destroy you like some of those thoughts will have you believe. You ever notice those kinds of thoughts are like the ads on television, radio and internet and are extremely loud and are usually the ones where you can't change the channel (less likely) or have the skip ad button (more likely) or by the time you can do either the damage has been done and the thought (ad) is already almost over. Whether those thoughts are loud are whispered one thing is for certain they are the biggest liars of them all. The ones that keep you from finding that restart button, make you start doubting, try to keep you from holding on to your faith, the ones when they are defeated or quieted you don't take the victory for granted. A couple of times fairly recently and close together I saw a post on Facebook that said something along the lines of when I'm feeling (insert mood here) and people tell me to just get over it I want to hit them in the legs with a baseball bat and tell them to just walk it off. I found it funny because I imagine the majority of people have been there. It also got me thinking and this is probably so off target it could be landing in another continent but I'll write it anyway. It kind of goes back to the finding the restart button and the finally having to sit down bit you just read. The majority of the time I believe people have good intentions by saying just get over it maybe they're trying to keep you from getting to far down the hole and they think that's a rope to help. In my often times seeing things from a ridiculous amounts of sides here's where my thoughts went. Sometimes we try to get someone to get up not realizing what load they've been carrying and for how long they've been walking and that they just now got set down. They need a chance to unload some things and may I add if you are that friend that the person decided to unload a few things on don't cut them off with the whole it will get better. Sometimes they may need reminding but sometimes they just need to vent. Now you get the people that just like to dump on you by all means set your limits with those, no need of getting yourself covered in a big heap of stuff, or just don't get taken advantage of. Then there are times you'll find someone sitting to long, getting a bit to comfortable, which is a whole other level of being stuck. It's these times that you may have to pull the okay this is enough of this card because as often as people need that break and to be able to get rid of a few things they need the push, or restart since we're focusing on that, to get them going again otherwise they may not. Every person and situation is obviously different but what is the same is that we all do sometimes get stuck or forget to take a break and just need to restart. I'll end with this quote that I stumbled across and the thought of unplug and restart as many times as it takes, stop to regain your focus, faith, breath (all of the above and then some even) because there's nothing wrong with that or with how often you have to do so. It doesn't mean you're broken or not normal quite the opposite I think. With that here is the quote:

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes...including you
- Anne Lamott

If there ever was a point...this probably isn't it.

Was recently watching an episode of Running Wild with Bear Grylls and at one point he said something along the lines of when people get to the descending part of their journey they not only get tired and just ready for it to be over but they get complacent and that's when they make most of their mistakes. Kinda that way with life it sometimes seems. Get to the top of that metaphorical mountain and start the journey down on to the next mountain or maybe on the climb up you get complacent or for other reasons that may make you momentarily lose focus so you may make a small or major mistake. But mistakes can happen sometimes when you take extreme cautions, I suppose got to have both to grow and take chances just got to make sure one doesn't get to complacent. Earlier in the evening I was thinking how sometimes it seems like taking a step, or two backwards has somewhat of a negative outlook with people. But should it always? Take this extreme scenario: you are on the edge of a mountain a leg raised ready to take another step. Using the always move forward theory could send you quite literally over the edge. In this case taking a step back could save your life. Sometimes you got to take a step back to get your bearings, take a few more back to build momentum so you can make it over the obstacle, side step so you can better control your balance or just walk forward. The point is keep moving, don't get complacent.

A feather. A random sentence, yes, but one with a point. Oftentimes over the years I would seemingly randomly find a feather. Generally it was at a time I was missing my grandma or just lost in my own thoughts. I've saved several of them (weird? probably but oh well). Anyway, I hadn't found any in a while but I got a package today and it had a letter that had a couple things that I guess I needed reminded of or just didn't think could apply to me. And one of the things that was also in the package, yes, a couple of feathers. This verse was also written:

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armour and protection.
Psalm 91:4

It kind of brought on a whole new perspective of finding feathers. Does it mean there is anything more then a random feather? I don't know but sometimes it's nice to see something that makes you smile, encourages you or just reminds you that you can make it even if that reminder is a feather.

Do You Ever...

I've thought I had some thoughts I wanted to write on here, even had written a note or two so I wouldn't forget (and one I was sure I'd remember but is unfortunately long gone now) only to get stuck wrestling should I or shouldn't I, an area I find myself stuck in way to often. Oftentimes I get thinking and whatever I may be thinking I usually find myself having many 'do you ever moments' which can range from weird to well probably whatever is after weird. I won't write to many but here are a few that have rolled around in my mind recently.

Do you ever...

...just have a difficult time saying or writing your thoughts, finding just the right word(s) because I'm having that problem. Who am I kidding I almost always have trouble with that. I guess I put even to much thought on what to say and how to, got to word it just right, only to end up usually not getting the chance to say it or to get it all messed up.

...wonder how much better  it could be if we talked to people instead of about them? Hold out a helping hand instead of pointing an accusing finger.

...think maybe we should take that minute to say hi to the stranger you just passed (or smile, or just nod for my fellow people that may not find it easy to actually say hi). Or take a minute to call, text, write a letter to a friend, maybe someone you have been thinking about. Everyone is going through something, has a bad day or just needs to know they matter. I just think there is something about those seemingly rare people that ask how you are and when you say the normal good/fine they are like no really how are you and listen to your response.

...find yourself thinking about how you maybe should deal with something, what road to take, or maybe just being discouraged only to seem to find little things in the most random places or through people that encourage or help you find the answer. For example, today I saw at least three different times pictures or quotes or something that had to deal with not giving up. You ever get that little nudge that you need to tell someone something? Maybe it's because it's just what they need to hear and you are someone they will listen to and it will be there moment where the light bulb finally gets turned on...or maybe I'm just overthinking, again.

...wonder where Waldo is now?! (just thought I'd try to write a funny one)

Lastly I guess this does fall in the do you ever category but I'll just write it out like this. I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and saw where one of my elementary school teachers had passed away, of all the teachers I had this person always remained my absolute favorite teacher. She was the perfect example of a teacher. It's funny isn't it when I read the post I went searching in the memory bank and thought of a few things including the day several years ago when at a store  she somehow still remembered me and called out to me came over talked to me and hugged me. I even got the chance (and courage) to tell her she had always been my favorite and such a great teacher. I guess my whole point is things that can seem like nothing to you and no point in saying or doing that because it's so minute it won't matter just may be the very thing someone needs to see or hear. It's not always the loudest, most elaborate speech, or takes a lot of money or time to make a difference. The people that have helped me, encouraged me, or made some kind of impact on my life have done so in ways they would never even likely guess or imagine. I just want to spend time making sure I fill out and place good memory cards for people to be able to have and keep.


Do you ever get to the last sentence (or first) and think why did I just waste that time reading this, I'll never get that time back?

It's Time to Fly

Tonight as I was driving home there was a bird in the middle of the road. The closer I got it wasn't even hopping or acting like it was going to fly away so I start slowing down as I am saying 'Fly! Have you forgotten you have wings?' It finally did and safely flew away but cue the squirrel moment music because my thinking process never makes things easy. So I thought how people are like that bird. We...or I at least get distracted, very easily. I get distracted by every day things, don't we all, but my focus on this particular thought was on a couple other things. Often times I've gotten my focus on past mistakes, failures (the shoulda, woulda, coulda's of life if you will) that the bigger obstacles that can really destroy me are upon me before I've even realized it and/or I'm so focused on these things that I don't see the escape, the grand things around me. I forget I can fly. Or maybe I even think I got more time. I got plenty of time to (insert what you like here) before I have to spread my wings and fly to safety, sometimes those things are closer than they appear and it's a close call to fly out of harms way. More than that those distractions that block our view, those lies that say we're not good enough, your wings can never take you to the journey to fulfill that dream you've carried around for years. That's all they are is lies to make you forget you have wings, to stop you from trying to fly. Great news those lies that weigh you down, that make you forget you have wings as much as they feel like it and the illusion they have created is just that, an illusion. We're kind of like a buterfly in that we have the learning stage(s) (being the caterpillar then the growing stage (build the cocoon) but to often this is where I stay to long because fear holds me back, distractions, and I'll be honest the lies (I'm not good enough, I can't do that, etc) but when I finally step, no break out of that cocoon something amazing happens. I discover I have wings and I can fly. Now a butterfly never knows the beauty of its wings, it can't see the intricate color or details on its wings but others can. Just like people can't always see the difference they make in others lives, how amazing they are, or how much they are loved. I don't know what my wings look like but it is always my hope and goal that I let everyone I meet or have contact with know they do matter and their wings are not only beautiful but they can fly. I ain't saying it's easy because I still have a lot of moments I struggle to believe  I have wings (that I really can do these things I want to do, my dreams and such) but I'm having more days it's worth trying and seeing how these wings work, even if I only make it a little off the ground (a few steps in the right direction) it's closer than I was. I recently saw a quote that stated your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready. I hope you and I never spend to much time distracted or hiding due to lies, fears, etc that we don't realize our wings are ready because it's time to fly.

Good Titles Are Difficult To Find

I'm not sure if I've posted this poem/writing/whatever you would like to call it before (and ultimately deleted it because I can't find it) or I really have wrestled with myself that much and from the point of writing this whether or not to post it. I'm not sure why I am so hesitant about sharing this one, not that it's the first time, but it has been so long since I was even able to write anything I don't remember the last time. Because I'm still wrestling with whether to post this or not and because I haven't written about any books for awhile shall I procrastinate this a little bit longer. First, why is there not a warning on books that it is part of a series? It should be mentioned on the cover, on a page before the story begins and even an I told you so page at the end. I say that because I recently bought the book The Choosing  by Rachelle Dekker (to be fair it does say A Seer Novel on the cover which should have clued me in that it was part of a series but I was just so excited to get the book I didn't put two and two together). I'm only a few chapters in and already I can so relate to some of the thoughts and emotions of the main character, Carrington, but now that I know it's part of a series and the next book doesn't come out until Summer 2016. That's over a year to wait, thank God I have a fairly decent sized stack of books in my to be read pile. I think I'm just going to have to read it and read it again before the next book in the series is released. For now I've stopped reading it and moved to a book called Snow on the Tulips by Liz Tolsma (also recommend Daisies are Forever by her and both are set in WWII era). Funny story, I had tried to start reading this one awhile back and it just wasn't working but started reading it last night and I only stopped cause sleep was winning. Short synopsis is that it's about Cornelia hiding her brother but now also a man named Gerrit who shows up on her doorstep not in good shape and not under the best of circumstances. Well now I'm just becoming like Grover in the book The Monster at the End of this Book (one of my many treasured Little Golden Books growing up and definitely one of my favorites....do you feel the nostalgia?!) So I guess if you are still reading and continue to read well you shall read the 'poem' I'm not sure if it is really finished or not but I suppose it's as good as it's gonna get and okay enough to resist the fear, vulnerability and such to post another writing...but before that enjoy this picture from the book The Monster at the End of this Book because maybe like Grover I'm being afraid for nothing...

Oh yeah and if the title sounds familiar, well you know I'm terrible with titles and I liked the one I used for a recent post and it seemed fitting for this particular writing so I recycled it.

Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope

There once was a seed sown

I added water to help it grow

It became a deep rooted vine

Full of nothing but lies

Sweeping them under the rug

Thought that was enough

Couldn't let others see my pain

M mind feeling like a derailed train

Fear had become my gatekeeper

It was my person grim reaper

But what was meant to destroy me

Is only part of my story

Thought I was turning the last page

But God said, 'No, wait.

There are some things I need to take

Chapters to add, time for a change.'

'My child you've felt so unworthy

It's time you see how important you are to me'

The walls I'd built finally crumbled

I built a staircase to the next level with the rubble

You put the broken pieces

Back together again

What I thought never would be

A new beginning instead of an end

Whether I fall or fly

Either way I'll be alright

Cause God is by my side

He'll catch me every time

Goodbye Fear, Hello Hope...

You ever watch an illusionist perform a trick and the whole time you're watching him/her just so sure you are going to catch the slip up and turn the tables to figure out how the trick is being done only to end up not figuring it out and the trick is pulled on you and your left asking how did you do that and how did I fall for that? I think Fear is one of the biggest illusionists that we have to face, I would dare say that fear is nothing more than a fancy word for a lie. Fear starts out looking like a simple card trick that you can easily figure out  and then suddenly before you may even realize it you are in a straight jacket wondering how this fear got such a hold on you. I recently saw a picture and I loved what it said which was, the voice in your head that is saying, 'You can't do this.' is a liar (it was written in all caps but I didn't want to cap shout at you!) and that is so very true. I also recently read an article titled There Is a 'Right' Way to Talk to Yourself (http://news.bitofnews.com/talk-to-yourself/). The article mentions how if we talk to ourselves in the third person it actually helps take away any negative  thoughts and fear/anxiety that we associate with ourselves and/or situations when we talk to ourselves in first person especially when these situations are stressful. It was basically saying that when you use the first person, I, that it triggers the part of your brain associated with emotions such as anxiety and fear but when you use the third person it's kind of like when a friend asks for your advice and you can give it without any problem, you're not associating any of your fears or negative thoughts to the situation which helps you see a way out if you will instead of all of the fear, stress and anxiety. I thought it was pretty interesting, not to say to always talk about yourself in the third person especially to others but a nice little trick to try and have when fear shows up or you made a mistake. There is an acronym for fear which is False Evidence Appearing Real which truthfully is the best and most accurate definition of the word one could give or remember. Fear is that voice that lies and says you can't do this and brings up all of the thoughts and reasons why/how this is going to go wrong or how you will mess it up and all of the negative things until that straight jacket is so tight you can barely even breath (or at least you feel like it). And I'm sorry this isn't flowing very well, what with my thoughts coming all at once and not being able to type fast enough and such so it's probably not making much sense. So I've started out with what I thought was simple card trick (simple task that shouldn't bother me normally) and suddenly I have now found myself in a straight jacket (a fear that paralyzes me and I think I can't get out of). I'll be the first to admit I have several fears and have or am working on getting rid of a lot of them because often times now when they try to come back and I can see them for the lies they are. Just like the illusionists have tricks and things to do to escape from the straight jacket I'm figuring out that I am bigger than the fears and actually I should really say God is bigger than my fears because I have and am learning to rely more on my faith and God to help me during those times I'm in the straight jacket as well as when I'm not.  I can't speak for you and your fears but as far as me I do tend to get the deer in the headlights and I am paralyzed physically but mentally my mind is going full speed ahead with countless thoughts. But I am figuring out some tricks to help stop the overload of thoughts and talking myself out as much as possible if not all the way out of the fear, at least enough to realize it is nothing more than an irrational lie. Now I am most certainly not making light of any fears you may have or of things such as anxiety because it's very real and very serious and doesn't mean there is something wrong with you because you have fears/anxieties and trust me I do understand. So just let me get that out there. What I'm hoping I'm saying and am wanting to say is that fear is very real but it's a very big bully too that puffs itself up to make it look bigger than it is and unescapable. Just like the illusionists have tricks and ways to escape the straight jacket you can beat and escape fear no matter how much the voice of fear whispers you can't. Also like it isn't always easy and without pain for the illusionist to escape the straight jacket it may not be easy or without obstacles to beat fear. Plus everyone has different fears and symptoms with those fears as well as different  ways to cope with them. Because unlike not always being able to figure out how the illusionist tricked you on something you can turn the tables on fear and become the illusionist and trap that fear, maybe even make it disappear for good. I titled this post goodbye fear, hello hope and I did that because well for one I have spent to much time letting fear have control and dictate what and how I react to things. Another reason is because the way I see it I'll hold on to the hope that everything will work out and as long as I can hold on to that hope, well I have hope (!) but it is also like that lighthouse that ships use to guide them and it is like my life line if you will to know that I know that there is a way out of this fear, this lie. There have been times I think I can safely say that I have just one finger left grasping to the wall of hope and just when I thought I was going to lose my grasp something or someone or I would suddenly get clarity and I would get a better grasp and footing to climb over that wall of fear. Hope makes for a very secure place to put your feet. I guess basically what I had hoped to write/say was that fear is nothing but a lie and bully but don't feel bad if it gets you cause it gets us all in one way or another at one time or another no matter what anyone tells you or doesn't. I hope you have faith, people and/or other tricks to help you when you find your way in a straight jacket of fear and no matter how loud or many times that voice says you can't beat the fear or you can't do something I hope, even if you just start out continuously whispering it, you can remember to say that is a lie. With that I say goodbye fear, hello hope...and of course a video! It only seemed appropriate to include a video of storyteller/illusionist Harris III since I did talk so much about tricks. This is probably my favorite of his because it is such a great visual to show and tell who Jesus is and how He is the Truth. So if you have never seen it or are thinking how can an illusionist be a Christian and teach about God then I most definitely recommend you give it a watch.

Up On The Mountain

A lot of times when someone is going through something they will say they are in the valley and when they make it through they will say they are on the mountain. It's a good analogy, who doesn't like the amazing views from the top of the mountain? You can see how far you came and maybe from that view it doesn't look near as terrible as it seemed while walking up. I was recently walking on a trail in a state park. It was toward the end of the day, we'd walked a few trails already and at one part of this trail it was a straight up hill. I got halfway up this hill and I said, 'I'm done. I get to the top of this hill that's it I'm done...' And I was, I didn't care about the view at the top and how it may be worth it or even how close I may be to the top of that hill because my out of shape self just didn't think I could make it (more on that later on though). How often do I (maybe you too) do that in life? More than I should probably but not as often as I did (I hope) because I think I'm getting a clearer picture. That antennae is getting moved so the picture is becoming more clearer (growing up for awhile we had to use an antennae to get any television channels and where we lived certain times of the year it could be difficult to get a decent picture but when you got it just right boy could you see the picture).  Some few years ago, 2011 to be exact, I was fortunate enough to see Pikes Peak in Colorado. Before the day we went to the top of the mountain as we were traveling to different places you could see the snow capped mountains just about anywhere you went in town. Stunning. The day came we got to go to the top of the mountain. At the top the view was amazing, one could see how it inspired the lyrics to what would later become the song America The Beautiful. Let's travel back to the valley though or I'm going to get to far ahead of myself. So the valley can get a bad name. People automatically think if you are in a valley you are in trouble, you're not in a good place and it's going to be a long, rough never ending walk (and sometimes it can be those and feel like you're never going to reach your destination). Maybe the view of the mountain gets blocked by all of the trees and such so much so that you may start to feel defeated. Hating that valley yet? Can I point out a couple or so good things about the valley? It is here where the best plants grow, where the best nourishment can be found and generally found pretty easily even if sometimes you got to take the time to search for it. Down in the valley is where you can find a water source. You can more easily find shelter which is not to say to put up permanent camp and just quit trying to get to the top of the mountain. Rest, yes, find the nourishment and water that is going to help you be able to walk that mountain but don't stay so long it becomes a comfort zone you never want to leave. My point that I hope to make is that when you are in the figurative valley to not get so distracted by how long or rough the walk is you don't see the creek with the clear fresh running water that's right in front of you and your so thirsty but you are so focused on something else, maybe that irritating bug that won't leave you alone, that you don't see the water that could so easily quench your thirst and give you the strength to go farther. Or you don't see the food and shelter that are easily accessible. These figurative things could in reality be several things including family, friends, or just the opportunity for you to sit reflect/pray/meditate/ or just grow in trusting God or grow in some other way. Sometimes in life I think we all have different mountains to see the view from but we get comfortable on one mountain and stay there longer than we are meant to or we get intimidated by the valley that we will have to walk through to get to the other mountain that we just don't go. See I don't thin the valley is always bad because sometimes it's just the bridge that connects the other mountain to the one you are on and it's just nothing more than a simple little walk to get to the other mountain and you can enjoy the stroll. It can be a time to strengthen your muscles (or faith or whatever you want to insert here). So we've made it through the valley and now we are on top of the mountain and looking at the view, and wow what a view, eh? The mountain can be a time to just bask in the beauty of it all and rest because we all need that. What is this? You look down and see that spot where you wanted to say I'm done and it is then you realize just how close you were to the top and breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't stop and/or turn around and go back. See when I was on top of Pikes Peak I realized that it was worth the risk of getting dizzy from the high elevation to get to see the amazing view and I also realized that it was worth being in the valley to be able to look up get the full picture of the snow capped mountains. Earlier I mentioned how I was on that trail and said I'm done. Well I did walk on to to the top of the hill and when I got there and looked down at the view I forgot about why I didn't want to keep going and was just in awe of the view(and can I just say that although I got a long way to go before I get in what I would even say is decent shape there was a time that I really would have just quit and not gone any farther but that day I only had to stop one time and kept going). All of this isn't to make light of the real valleys and mountains people have to climb I guess it's more of just to say don't give up and don't be so intimidated you never try to walk to another mountain or you stay in the valley so that you never get to see that amazing view. There's a line from the song I'll Keep On by NF that says I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means and sometimes I think that we can get so comfortable in places that we don't even realize they have become like prisons until for whatever reason we get to take the step out and look back and see where we were and the freedom you feel being away from that place.There's also a line from a song called Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson that states, ' I'm tellin' you somethin' this racing, this running oh, you're working way too hard! And this perfection you're chasing  is just energy wasted cause He love's you like you are!So go ahead and live like you're loved.It's ok to act like you've been set free.' I love that part because sometimes we get stuck in the working to hard to be perfect and get stuck or even regress but it's not about that. So to end this I guess I'll just say that wherever you are and however far it may feel or really be for you to get to that mountain please don't give up because each step you take forward is a step that gets you closer. See I don't know if I'd say I'm on a mountain or a valley and I'm not sure it even matters to have it labeled as either because what does matter is that I'm moving forward to the place I want and am supposed to be.

Since I mentioned Pikes Peak figured I'd add a couple of pictures from there.

Who I Am...

Sometimes whole driving, working or like now when I'm trying to go to sleep I somehow think of the most random questions, thoughts and such. One of those was recently while working I thought who am I? Not as in I really didn't know but what kind of question that is and what would my answer be. Then I thought I've already written something similar to that and went digging to see if I could find it. I didn't but I did discover a bit more of who I am. You see normally when people ask that you say your name a few kin folks names and maybe where you are from. A couple or so years ago I wrote a poem called, ironically enough Who I Am, kind of a this may be who you see me as but I am so much more. If I remember correctly there was a line that stated I am more than how I fix my hair or even the clothes that I wear. It is in there, actually I just found it and even with that poem it's amazing to see how who I was then to who I am today has changed for the better I think. Maybe that post is where I wrote about this question of who I am. Oh yeah back to me looking trying to see if I wrote about this already or not. Some of the title didn't jog the memory so I opened them to read. Quite often I thought no way I wrote that or how'd I even get to that thought (only God knows I'm convinced). I noticed something else even if ever so slightly, there was times of growth, maturing if you like. There was times of sorrow, confusion, apparently a lot of magenta days but a change through it all and though I hadn't really seen it besides most recently I truly began to notice it reading a few of those posts. I gave up trying to find out for sure and figured I'd just write it again if I have already wrote about it. Because even if I did already write about it I'm not the same person now that I was then and the next time I think of that question and write about it I hope I can see how I have continued to grow and change for the better becoming more and more to who I am. But who is that. At the end of that poem I wrote 'now there are chapters to review. This tale will have to be continued as I walk this land to find out who I am.' When I posted the original poem on Facebook someone wrote something along the lines of who you are is a child of God and a couple other things. At that time I couldn't whole heartedly believe or accept that, today I would say you know what yeah I am. So I suppose if I was to answer the question of who I am this would be my reply:

I am a sinner that is forgiven.
More chances then I deserved was I given. I laugh, cry and fall
Some days I do them all.Perfect I never will be but God still loves me. Everyday that I live  kindness, my time and love I try to give. So to answer who I am I'm not sure I that I can but I'm not in the same place thanks to God's amazing grace.

 So maybe that is one of those questions I spend to much time trying to create the perfect answer but flaws and all is what makes me who I am.

As I was trying to sleep I just felt this urgency yet the need to wait. Kind of like when a race car is at the starting line waiting for the light to change green. Hesitate to long after the light changes you lose valuable seconds, get in a hurry and go before the light changes you get some kind of penalty but keep the focus on the light (God) with the urgency and readiness and it's time to go oh the places you will go.

That's about all the thoughts I have to share

The Great Unknown

This blog post is brought to you by Crowder, Third Day, and the many thoughts of this quiet girl.

Sometimes when I listen to music a certain lyric will get my mind and thoughts going 90mph. Recently I purchased some CD's because I needed some better music to listen to. One of those was Neon Steeple by Crowder (great CD by the way). There are a couple songs that I will play on repeat A LOT. One of those being Ain't No Grave (not same as sung in southern gospel). Some of the lines from the song say, 'Troubles come for everyone, death has no respect for love. Roll that stone, I won't be found...Lord I'm crooked from head to toe. Got dirty hands and a dirty soul. I was lost but now I'm found. Ain't no grave gonna hold me down.'

For whatever reason this particular time my thoughts went to - isn't it something how we can be walking around and on the outside we look fine but we'll be dead/dying on the inside. It can be a wide range of ways one could be dying. I think they all lay on the foundation of fears and lies. Fear of failure, rejection, etc. The lie you aren't good enough and never will be, etc. and ultimately you find yourself in a figurative gra e dying inside. Thank God the story doesn't have to end there. The weight of the load may make it look like the grave is going to win but I love the part of the song that says, 'Ain't no grave gonna hold me down...I will rise.' When you start setting some stuff down and those detours and road blocks that you thought were only to discourage you but they in fact nudge you in the direction you needed to go an amazing thing can happen. You start seeing those fears and lies for what they are and suddenly that stone begins to roll away inch by inch and you ain't inside that grave anymore. You're no longer lost but have been found. I think everyone at one point or another goes through those moments of feeling like their dying inside.
Which can make it difficult to see the stone being moved. Maybe it can be said sometimes those graves we dig for ourselves (I think I have by running and hiding) but then maybe it's also a way to help us ultimately learn to trust, have faith and just grow. So it may feel like you're dying inside but just keep on and keep the faith because that very next detour may be the exit out of that grave.

Earlier I mentioned Third Day (may I also recommend their CD Lead Us Back). On the CD I just mentioned there are many great songs, one being Soul On Fire, which quickly became a song that every time I heard it I kept thinking that's what I want (which will make no sense if you've not heard it I suppose). There's another song called I Know You Can. It starts out, ' Give me the words to say bring me the strength to stand, take all the doubt away.' It kinda goes with being in that grave dying inside but you see that sliver of light shining through and you think something along those first lines in the song I Know You Can. The song goes on to say 'so close I can taste it. I stand at the great unknown...You speak and I will listen, You ask and I will go.' The song also mentions not wanting to waste this second chance. I don't even know what number chance I'm on now but it's well past a second chance but I don't want to waste this chance.

In conclusion, don't be discouraged by the detours (I've seen some of the prettiest places when driving and having to take a detour). Don't let that stinking thinking , fears and lies trick you to believe that stone is blocking your way when in reality it is nothing more than a pebble. Lastly, when you think you can't take one more step promise yourself to take one more step because most likely that will be the very step where you will rise and you'll get that strength to stand and the doubt will begin to fade (I've had it happen to many times not to believe it).

Renovation

I'm not entirely sure how to even start this particular post so I'm just going to take a little walk and see where I end up. Life is kind of like a house. You may buy a house thinking it's the perfect size and you'll never have to do any major updates, changes to it. Then you live in the house for a little bit (you can pick the number of years for my 'house' or life it was 14 years, at least) and you realize wait that foundation isn't as sturdy as I thought it was. Oh no wait is that a crack in the wall, let me just hang up a picture to hide that. Or maybe you think you know this house is to small  I need to add on to it but then you add on to it and only realize those rooms just became a catch-me-all and just added more clutter. Or perhaps you have gotten comfortable in that one room you stay in in your house and you don't even realize what is in the other rooms in your house. Can I tell you a little about my house? For the past ten years my house has been built on a solid foundation but I didn't trust that foundation (that is just this wannabe writers way of saying I wasn't trusting God). You see sometimes things happen and we renovate our houses when they don't need it, we think we're making it safer but that's not always the case. Sometimes when I try to renovate things all by myself I just don't find and use the best ingredients. When I renovated my house long ago I started putting up walls that were built from fears and lies (I do not recommend this because my goodness those walls can become quite difficult to tear down because for me they gave me an extremely false sense of security thinking I, well way to many things to even get into in this post, but it was keeping me from getting to the other rooms in my house and even to the outside to others like I wanted and should). You see I'd built onto the walls so long that even though I had gotten a few holes busted in the wall over the years I couldn't quite get them torn down to get to the other rooms like I wanted to. But thank God those walls are getting torn down for real this time, not me trying to do the fixing but just having faith the trust and let God. I don't know about other people but sometimes I get tired of the way my house is decorated so I need to rearrange things or just start over. Change scares me but staying the same scares me more. Staying in that room kept me from so much and I'm discovering so much. Am I so naive to think this feeling that I'm feeling will last forever? No, not at all. They say you can't have a testimony without a test. You can't have growth without being in the ground, being watered and tended to for a while. Then once you start growing (or the flower, since suddenly I've decided to go that analogy) you don't just stop watering it or hide it in the closet so it can't get any sunlight. And there may be times that no matter how much you take care of that flower it don't look so good and you aren't so sure it'll make it but you don't quit taking care of it and one day oh my how it blooms even more beautifully than you've ever seen. Just like in the house sometimes you got to not worry about how many bugs might fly in you just got to open the windows and let some fresh air in, you got to knock that wall down and just see what's on the other side. We all have a purpose and we all matter and I know that what was the reason behind why I hid so long behind those walls is only going to get me to my purpose and hopefully help me help others. So when you're looking at your house (life) don't get stuck in just one room, don't be afraid to trust the foundation (God), open the doors every so often because it's amazing what you can learn from others when you take the time to listen. We all have stories and though yours may not be something I've personally dealt with I can still learn something and it just may be that my story is something that you are struggling with and you think no one understands but I just may get to share it with you one day and you have a get out, you too! moment. My hope is that I always care about people and somehow show that they matter and have a purpose. I said on my thirty first birthday that I felt like a new start like how they say the new year is a new beginning and I'm excited about the renovations that are going on in my life. Now you didn't think you'd get through one of my posts without some quotes from a song or poem or something did you? Good cause I got a couple. One of my favorite poems is If by Rudyard Kipling and one of my favorite parts of the poem is:

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise

Also earlier I mentioned starting over and there is a great song, on of many on my long list of songs I love, that is called Start Over by Flame featuring NF.  Now this song has parts in it that give glimpses into my story (I've recently heard a few songs by NF on his album Mansions and I have a get out! moment and thing that's exactly how I am/was (I say am because I am forever a work in progress and growing in my faith and walk with God) but it's nice to hear it explained in ways I never really knew how to explain why). Anyway it starts out with:


Everybody's got a blank page
A story they're writing today
A wall that they're climbing
You can carry the past on your shoulders
Or you can start over
Regrets, no matter what you goin' through
Jesus, He gave it all to save you
He carried the cross on His shoulders
So you can start over

Actually here is the video (the dude raps so if you don't like that then there's your warning but I recommend listening because you can follow what he says and the lyrics are powerful, a reminder that I sure need to hear). And I'll end this with the video so until next time.

Taking A Step Forward

I woke up this morning at 1:00am after an unexpected but much needed nap….this might be the point where I warn you to get a few snacks because this could take a bit to navigate through my thoughts. So if you so choose and if you have your snacks (and patience) shall we buckle up and take a ride? As I was saying I woke up early, like I sometimes do with my very erratic sleep pattern, and like I also often do I grabbed my phone and got on Facebook. I read a few of the things trending and some other posts that my friends had shared and I had to put the phone down. One of my first thoughts was united we stand, divided we fall and my goodness how we seem to be falling. But when have I just had one thought? So I somehow went from that to the tortoise and the hare story. Don’t ask, I give up trying to figure out how my mind does that but I promise I have a point if you just stick with me. I think everyone knows the story of the tortoise and the hare. In my early morning train wreck of thinking on this fable I thought you know to many of us have become the hare (I’m pointing all my fingers to myself). Think about it, the hare bragged no one can beat me I’m the fastest one around. The day came for the race what did the hare do? Took a nap and when he woke up he saw the tortoise hadn’t gotten that far so he ate and got sleepy so took another nap. Each time the hare would look and see the tortoise seemingly hadn’t gotten very far and the hare thought he had plenty of time to cross the finish line…until it was to late and he lost the race. Now when I say I’m the hare I’m not necessarily saying I’m going around bragging that I’m the best at this or I can finish this first or better than anyone. What I am saying though is to often people think they got plenty of time so they let other things distract them and/or hold them back. They look at the racetrack (life if you will) and think oh I got plenty of time. I think to often we look at life like we do that screen on the phone and all we see is this ridiculously small part, and it’s time we get a panoramic view because the blinders have made it look like the tortoise isn’t that far ahead, like we’re still a long way away from the finish line. On car side view mirrors it often says objects in mirror may appear closer than they are. Free thought alert…we are running the race looking through the side view mirror. Everything looks closer than it appears giving us the illusion we have plenty of time, or we’re insignificant we can’t make a difference. Lies, all lies. Let’s just say we do have plenty of time, what are you doing with that time? I don’t know about you but me, well I’ve been spending to much of my time like the hare and taking naps and just going through the motions (there’s a whole other blog post in limbo right now that gets into all of that, that one may or not get posted). Making excuses why not to do something just yet. I think if you was to ask someone without ever even reading the story which animal would win the race, most would say the hare. Everyone is so concerned with finishing the race first, somehow that got important like you’re a loser if you’re not first. It’s just important that you finish, take the scenic route, get lost a few times, whatever happens don’t get so discouraged that you quit taking steps toward the finish line. I applaud those marathon runners that keep running long after the first person crossed the finish line. They get it. It’s not important where you finish, it’s just important you finish. You know what I admire about the tortoise and why I want to be more like him? His steps were slow but he kept moving. To often in life when we’re to focused on being first, or let’s just be honest, we’re to focused on self we miss out. Actually, I saw this presented in a way this past weekend that made perfect sense. You put it in a way I can see it right in front of me or pull a Sophia Petrillo and say Picture it….it helps make more sense and something clicks and it sticks with me a lot longer. Anyway back to the tortoise. I want to be like him because no matter how slow or small his steps appeared to others he kept moving forward. And again it’s not about being fast, I often wonder how much we miss by worrying or being so focused on everything else. It’s like we become the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland and all we can do is say, ‘I’m late! I’m late! No time to say to say hello, goodbye. I’m late!’ Then what happens we very well may miss the opportunity to talk to someone that either we may help get a little further on in their race or they may have been sent to help us carry a little of our load or take some stuff away or a number of other things. Now you may be thinking wait isn’t that more like the hare and stopping, how is that moving forward. We all have pit stops in life, some expected some unexpected. Some look like they are going to destroy us and make us lose the race only for us to look back and at least for me think I see what you did there God. I think if we were walking with the tortoise we would see he had pit stops, he probably stopped and got him something to eat but maybe he also had a pit stop where he met a snail and the snail was like I wish I could do that but I’m even slower than you are there’s no way I can finish the race so the tortoise took the time to encourage and give the snail some wisdom he had learned along the way. Perhaps the tortoise got so far and he started getting discouraged he got a heavy burden that was slowing him down even further. Then along came a butterfly that landed on his shell and started whispering some words of wisdom to the tortoise. Because you never, ever meet anyone by accident. You ever watch Bob Ross (the painter), I used to love it when he was painting something and I knew there would eventually be a tree. Sounds silly but if you’ve ever watched him you know he never painted just one tree, he always painted that tree a friend and I loved what he’d say, ‘Gotta give him a friend. Like I always say everyone needs a friend.’ You see we all get tired, we all at one point or another get a heavy load. There’s a song called I’ll Keep On by NF (featuring Jeremiah Carlson) and part of it says, ‘Oh these hands are tired, oh this heart is tired, oh this soul is tired but I’ll keep on, I’ll keep on, I’ll keep on.’ Speaking from personal experience I know that sometimes it can seem impossible to be able to keep on but I think that’s often times when God paints us a friend or someone you may have never even met (in my most recent case both) to provide a way so you can get rid of some of that baggage that is making you tired. Seeing as how I’m on a roll with quoting songs and using stories and such it’s like the song That’s God by Jo Dee Messina and the part that states, ‘when people make a difference just being who they are, or when someone wants to lend a helping hand. Maybe it’s somebody who just takes the time to listen to let you know that they understand.’ It goes on to say how that’s God, obviously these people aren’t really God but He places these people in your life or let’s you see that sunrise/sunset, the waves of the ocean just to remind you or in many cases to help you. And I truly am grateful for the people and even the circumstances that happened that were meant and what I thought was going to destroy me because they ended up bringing me right where I needed to be and to meet the people I have and to be fortunate enough to have the friends I do because as I have said many times I don’t make it easy to be my friend (or didn’t but I think that wall has been torn down not to be built back again, dear God please don’t let me ever, ever build that wall again). Before I take another side road I guess I should end this with some points that I intended to make but not sure I really have.  I hope that in this race called life we can remember and find the ability to slow down because it’s not how fast you run or even how you start but being able to cross the finish line that matters. In the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise says, ‘slowly does it every time.’ A slow step is a step and as long as you are stepping in the right direction and moving forward it is better to take your time because as I did mention you just never know who and what you might learn from them along the way. You ever met people along those pit stops that encourage you to take a major step of faith and I’m thinking no I’m good really but they help you along or give you words of wisdom. I’ve had people do that and then maybe ask if I’m mad or apologize saying they don’t mean to be pushy or whatever. To those people thank you because with me sometimes that’s just what you have to do and if I wasn’t so backwards on hugging people I’d totally give each of you a huge hug. I appreciate anyone willing to take the time to help me, and I appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from people that they don’t even know about. I just read a blog post from Billy Coffey and he talked about asking people questions on why you pray all the smart people with the degrees just left him with more questions but good old Ralph while sitting at the Dairy Queen eating his cheeseburger,  well he had the answer and he didn‘t need to turn around and grab a lot of books from his bookshelf or rely on a Ph. D. degree (not sure how that fits in but somehow, somewhere in my land of many thoughts it does). I’m not really sure how to end this, I’m not even really sure this is where it should end. I imagine you’re getting pretty low on snacks now and maybe even patience. Just remember you’re not the only one in the race and you don’t have to finish first. That person walking beside of you that looks like they are holding their own in the race, they just may need a pat on the back or an encouraging word just like on down the road you may need the same thing.

Psalm 30:5 - ….weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning