I can see clearly now (that I'm terrible with titles!)

 Insert the most perfectly imperfect opening sentence here to grab your attention and make you want to continue reading...oh my friend have I got some ramblings to write about today if you got the patience and time to read this (if not skip to where you see me talking about glasses and sight just look for this *). I watched that cursor blink for quite some time then I wrote a paragraph and then I deleted it. It was then I heard something someone said to me just yesterday in fact. I always say I can't talk where people can hear me and to a degree that may always be true but when I said that I can't talk where I can be heard I was thankfully called out. I was told something along the lines of yes you can when you don't think about it. I automatically think anything and everything I say won't be heard, or I'll get excited and talk 'loud' and ramble on and be a bother, etc (and trust me this list goes on and on) and as I was staring at that cursor I realized I was doing the same thing. I can't write...yes you can when you don't think about it. Don't worry about the perfect opening sentence or paragraph. Just write it. So if you're still reading I'm going to just write my perfectly imperfect just maybe loud enough for you to hear it rambling thought.

In part of a conversation I heard that I'm still not sure if I wasn't supposed to say part of what I'm about to write or not but I'm going to write some thoughts that just won't leave me alone and perhaps I just need the reminder or maybe someone that reads this needs it. Two parts that keep coming to mind that was asked/said during this conversation was I just don't understand and Do you have any....

The first one I have absolutely no problem with I say I don't understand a lot and there are somethings that I just don't think it's time for me to understand, some I'm just not ever going to be smart enough to understand and somethings I'll just never understand. All of those are okay and in my own opinion I don't think God gets mad at me for going to Him and saying God I don't understand but I'm not going to end with that because though I don't understand and may never I want to ask and know what can I learn from this, how can I grow, how can I help others, how can I just rest in the unknown and not understanding.

The second one I have a smidgen problem with because if you aren't careful you become like Job's friends. His friends started off well they came and set with and was there with their friend. Then the started talking. Not a problem there at all. The problem was with what they said. They did the do you have any question...what did you do Job, what sin have you committed, what have you not repented of, etc. They intentionally or not added to Job's burden and trials. Not one time did they say Job can I pray for you...can I got to the market and get you something for these health ailments you got going on....can I take you somewhere to run an errand....can clean up your campsite...can I take you to my house to rest for a bit. No they just said do you have any....what did you do. Now there may be times you should ask someone this but don't let that be the only thing you say...here's my thinking and I may be wrong but don't say do you have any if you ain't going to say can I pray for you or can I sit with you during this.

*So even though I don't understand I believe I had a random thought that I think God used to show me something and maybe it was just for me or maybe I need to share it or at least write it on here to remind myself one more time. If you don't know me I have to wear glasses - I have terrible eyesight. If you saw me with my glasses you'd know that and you would think oh well she can see just fine now - not always the case though is it. Sometimes even with my glasses I have trouble reading a sign or something. Now if you know me and see me without my glasses you know I can't see but you don't know how little that I can't see. Sometimes that's the way it is in our trials and storms I can sometimes see and know you're in a trial but not how bad and sometimes I can't see at all that you're in a storm and not able to see....God upped this little thought because I then had this moment of just seeing if you will myself in a moment of where I desperately needed my glasses to see to do what I thought God wanted me to do but I had a moment of take your glasses off and sit them down....no I can't do that God I need them to see, how will I find my way....take the glasses off and look. So in this little thought I did, I take my glasses off and it's so blurry and I think okay now what I can't see God. Yes you can just look. I am God...no you're not. You think you need those glasses to get the answer to see the answer clearly but you're looking with the wrong set of eyes. See my glasses are my eyes or so I thought but in this moment of blurriness I did see I actually saw some stuff more clear than I have in a long time. Because in a particular situation specifically I've never given up that God is going to heal this person and I know that God sent them in my life to be my family (and I waited 24 years for God to decide it was time for them to be in my life and now that they've been in my life for four years well over half of that has been me seeing them have health problems and deal with pain and frustrations that I can't even begin to imagine but also faith that has helped me in my own walk). So if it was about this particular situation or lots of something elses or nothing at all. I do know one thing in that moment I realized that in my I don't understand moments of life I can't look with my glasses on but instead take them off and just look....remember what God has told me, what He has shown me time and time again, what He has promised (in His Word and what I believe He sometimes personally gives us) and in that moment do you see it now.....yeah I can see it now

 Sometimes we have to do a something that doesn't make very much sense and often times is just down right nerve wrecking. Sometimes we have to spend a longer time in the I don't understand season then we want to. More times than not we just need to speak even if they may not hear us and take our glasses off so we can truly see what's going on (no you won't see me taking my glasses off trying to drive or anything!) but to really see what's going on and how far we have made it in a certain situation or that the person we're praying for is going to be okay may not know when their season will be over of the trial/storm they're in but they're going to win and be okay.

So please never be afraid to say something even if it may be to loud cause you got excited or you had to repeat it cause it wasn't heard and don't always think you are seeing an outcome clearly because you have your 'glasses' on sometimes we need to take them off and not go by feelings, or what things look like, or an outcome others have had (especially if it was bad cause that can and will be used against you). And never, ever be afraid to say can I sit with you while you're going through this, are you okay, can I pray for you and/or can I do anything to help to lighten the load (and give some examples if something is on your heart especially even if the person is stubborn and you think there's no way they will let me help them - ask anyway and if it's praying well pray for them all the time they don't have to know but sometimes I think it gets put on our hearts to go and actually pray with the person too)


I guess that's all I got to say about that.



To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

                                                                                    Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

 

Girl Going Nowhere

Hello old friend, how have you been? It's been way to long. I have so many things to say yet nothing at all and I have no idea where to start at. It's funny cause I've written this and more posts in my head countless times since the last time we got to visit but I guess fear and doubt and over thinking has stopped me from writing these words. The lovely statement I'll write it tomorrow turned into so many months of not saying anything.

Can I tell you a secret? I'm getting my song back. I suppose that's part of life isn't it - some days you sing, some days you listen and some days you just keep searching for that song unsure if you're going to find it again. Courage, dear heart - you will find the song.

This past week - on August 12th to be exact - I was looking at my memories on Facebook and on that day I was stranded in Glendive Montana all by myself well over one thousand miles away from the people I care about and especially the ones that have a way to calm me down when I have my freak out moments and I will believe when they say it's going to be okay. Y'all have those people that if so and so says it's going to be okay it must going to be even if I still don't see how. Well on that day last year I went walking in well over 100 degree weather and I happened to find a feather. Fast forward to the same day this year and I went walking. Where? I'm so glad you asked. I was in one of the places I was trying to get to on that fateful trip last year and to a place I had about given up on ever making it to. On this day I was walking a trail and probably about halfway of the whole way I walked on this trail I looked down and I found a feather. A few days later I was on another trail and I found another feather. Is there anything to finding the feathers on any of the times I have ever found - I don't know but it's always felt like a little hug from God when I find them, an it's okay my child I'm here and will always be. Silly? Probably but just maybe not.

I was recently having a conversation with Mama J (y'all know I don't write names) and first do you all just have those people in your life that you just know God placed them in there (here would be a good place to just let me say thank you God for Mama J, Mom and Pop - and if you all happen to read this thank you all so very much for putting up with me you all have no idea how grateful I am to have you all in my life)....but in this conversation we got talking about life and such and I made the statement of how I finally feel like I'm actually living and becoming who I was meant to be. In case you didn't know I turned 35 since we last visited and to be honest with you I never thought I'd make it to say that. Growing up I lived in my head a lot because I had a bit of control of how things were in there and I could be myself and just have the people in my life I always hoped to have but never really thought I would. Thank God for healing and working on me and for sending people in my life that are my family - not like family but honest to goodness I will forever call them and see them as my family. Our stories are never written in the sequence or way we hope or have it figured in our head (if yours was God bless you that's awesome and I'm truly happy for you). But what I've discovered is that how my story has went so far isn't all bad because things that I went through I'll get to use and help someone else and it all led me to people like the ones I've mentioned and for that it was all worth it. My story obviously started when I was born and have I had some chapters in between there - some I'd rather not remember and some I probably never will remember because I've got it blocked so much some I still have trouble sharing and then there's the last week of my 30th chapter to now that have for sure still had it's ups and downs but it has led me to healing, going places I never thought possible, laughing and learning to open up and be myself with people and so much more. You know what I'm learning - the chapters may be in different sequence some names and situations may be different but at the core of our stories we have so very much in common we just got to find our tribe to share the story with. And never, ever think you're story doesn't matter or need to be shared I promise there is someone (or more) waiting to hear your story.

I don't know about you but I'm ready to write some more in my story and find a song or two to sing. It has been lovely catching up we must do this again real soon I feel like I left a whole lot out that I meant to write.

It's nice to be in a place in my story to be able to say not bad for a girl going nowhere*


*based on the song Girl Going Nowhere by Ashley McBryde

Storms of Life

Storms. We all go through them and at one point I think we’ve all went through a storm we didn’t think we’d survive. I dare say this year has been the stormiest year – I have seen so many people I care about have to face what they would probably call their worst storms. Sometimes I get myself in storms, sometimes we get put in storms by our circumstances and sometimes storms just happen. If you wish to continue reading I’m going to ramble on about ships and  storms because whatever the reason for your storm there’s going to be a ship and you’re going to make it through this storm. In Jonah chapter 1 it starts out that God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and we see Jonah decided to take the scenic route. No, in fact Jonah fled from what God said to do and got on a boat to go to Tarshish  and while on the boat a storm came but we find Jonah in the vessel asleep many commentaries say that it wasn’t a soundful or peaceful sleep but that at this time Jonah was depressed, exhausted and even stressed. So when the people cast lots and discover Jonah is the reason for this storm and their lives in danger Jonah admits he is the reason and tells them to throw him off the boat. Even now Jonah had rather take his chances of surviving swimming in the water then to say fine I’ll go to Nineveh so they throw him overboard and Jonah gets a three day stay in the belly of a fish where he ultimately prays and calls out to God saying he will go tell the people of Nineveh the word God tells him to. I have lost count at how many storms I have gotten myself into like Jonah. Many times I believe God has told me to go tell someone something or do something for someone and I panic – my pride gets in the way a lot to if I’m honest – and so often I think God wouldn’t use someone like me or what if I’m wrong and that’s not God. So I run. I also end up in a storm until I ultimately say okay God I’ll do it or sometimes I’ve waited to late and God has sent someone else and I’m left asking God to forgive me. If you feel like God is telling you to do something and you worry what if it’s not God or the person will think you’ve lost your mind or why would God use me, I’m convinced those are tell-tell signs that it is indeed God. If God tells you to go to someone and give them a hug, go up to someone and tell them something no matter how silly it sounds to you and no matter if you have to say it with a shaky voice and trembling knees what you have to say may be the light that person is needing to survive their own storm. I like to look at this event as yes Jonah disobeyed, he flat out ran from something that God knew Jonah could do and there was a reason that it was to be Jonah to tell the people of Nineveh just like it is you that needs to tell that person hey you got this, or you might want to turn away from the road you are on, or even thank you for helping me and being there. The storm was like that rebuke from a loved one saying you messed up I still love you but how about we turn around and try this again and the fish is when we say nope but God still loves us enough to provide shelter until we have our moment of right I really am running and have our little talk with God and finally decide it’s time to do what we ran from.

Then there are times in life we are going along when a storm hits and it’s not due to anything we’ve done (seems that’s our first thought isn’t it when a storm hits – what did I do, why is God mad at me, and of course will I make it through this?). In Matthew chapter 14 verses 24 through 31 we see that just before that the disciples were on the boat in the sea of Galilee minding their own business going along just fine but soon the boat was in the middle of the sea, tossed by the wind and waves when the disciples see a man walking on the water and they think it’s a ghost but it is Jesus and Peter says if it’s really you bid me to come and Jesus did. Peter got off of the boat and started walking on the water only to be distracted by the waves and so he began to sink and as he did he cried out “Lord, save me.” and immediately Jesus was there and brought him up out of the water. Jesus said to him, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” First, again let me say this storm wasn’t anyones fault it was like those storms you have to face in life that are just part of life, losing a loved one comes to mind as one of those storms. Second, when people read this they always focus on Peter sinking but during that storm he saw Jesus through all the waves and wind and probably even mist and he was willing to get off the boat to get to Jesus. We can’t walk a storm with a nice paved road and will complain about a pot hole and Peter was willing to get off the boat and walk on not only water but water that most definitely wasn’t calm. When Peter got on the water he got distracted by the waves, I like to look at the waves as fears, lies, doubts and worries. So often in these not in our control storms we can see Jesus and know he’s there but those waves of you won’t survive this, you did something to cause this, you should’ve could’ve would’ve done this different, etc until we start to sink. Can I whisper a little something to you today that you may be struggling with, I know I do, when Jesus said oh you of little faith he wasn’t saying Peter had no faith and a sort of you deserved that type thing but instead it was that Peter’s faith was unbelievably strong to get off of the boat but there was still some growing and maturing to do so he could steadily walk on the water. Don’t be afraid to get off of the boat in the storm because in that moment Peter was heading right where he needed to be – to be with Jesus in the storm. Yes, he sank but he called out in the storm and while sinking Lord save me and Jesus was right there to catch him. Oftentimes when we call out we feel like our prayers wasn’t heard but my friend can I remind you and myself that God is always right there, He has you when you call out to him for help, we may not always feel those arms or hear that reassuring voice loudly but you’re not going to drown. There will be times those waves will knock us down but there is hope and don’t you think you are weak or have no faith when you start to sink and call out Lord save me. Sometimes it takes storms for our faith to have to grow. The waves may be crashing right now but my friend keep looking through the rain and wind because I believe I see a man walking on the water to come help you get through this storm.

Lastly, sometimes there are storms that we are put in and have to go through due to circumstances beyond our control. I encourage you to read all of Acts chapter 27 and for times sake I’m going to do some paraphrasing. We find Paul a prisoner being put on a boat on his journey to ultimately be seen before Caeser. The whole journey talks about the difficulty and at one point Paul advises they should stay in this one area but his advice is ignored. It is now that they find themselves in a terrible storm, one where they are having to throw stuff off of the ship to try to keep it afloat and many other obstacles all to the point that the people lost all hope that they would be saved. It was then Paul told them that God sent an angel and told him that no one would lose their life, only the ship itself would be lost as long as everyone stayed on the boat. Then Paul encouraged the people to eat for they hadn’t eaten for many days and told them to take heart because he believed God would do as He said He would. At one point some people tried to jump off of the boat and Paul told the centurion that if they did you’re not going to survive this storm. Ultimately they did indeed make it to shore with some of the people having to float to shore on pieces of the boat. Sometimes events take place in our lives and it makes us a prisoner and we go through storms. It wasn’t Paul’s fault he went through that storm just like it wasn’t your fault you had to go through that thing that sometimes finds you on this boat in a storm that you just don’t think you’re ever going to escape and you’re very tempted to just jump off the boat (sometimes no matter which of these three storms you are going through it’s tempting to jump off of the boat). One of the worst things to lose when you’re going through a storm is your hope. When I think of the word hope, I think light in darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel,  and that if I can just hang on a little longer I can make it but when I lose that all I can see is the dark, waves crashing, rain never ending storm that I am now convinced I won’t survive after all. Sometimes we are in this part way longer then we want to be but I truly believe that when we have lost the sight of God really is there then God sends someone to us to remind us and encourage us. Paul encouraged the people that they would make it as long as they didn’t jump off the boat and he encouraged them to eat to gain strength. Oftentimes in storms we forget to eat, sometimes literal food but also our spiritual food of prayer, reading the Bible, fellowshipping with our brothers and sisters in Christ, or even stopping going to church. In these moments thank God for the Paul’s in our lives that encourage us and on those moments they see us with one leg over the side of the boat ready to jump they say if you jump you will not survive this storm.

 Because the boat you’re on right now might not survive the trip but you my friend are going to survive this storm. You might have to float on a piece of the boat but you’re going to make it to the shore. I can’t promise you that it will be an easy ride through this storm but let me reassure you that no matter the reason behind the storm you are in God is right there with you I know you may not feel like it but He is and if you’re about to lose hope let me encourage you to stay on the boat if it’s a storm that I’m on the boat with you I promise I won’t jump off the boat but ride it out with you so we can make it to the shore and while we’re here can I pray for you? I mean that too. The storms aren’t easy and they seem to be hitting harder and more frequently, now more then ever let us be the hope and light to bring our ship to shore.

Climbing Out of the Pit

Can I tell you a secret? I'm not okay and I'm running and hiding. Can I tell you another secret? Maybe it's okay to not be okay. Oh, don't get me wrong I'm not staying in this pit of lies that is telling me that I am such a failure, look at you falling and stumbling again you'll never get anywhere. Lies are such bullies aren't they? But I'm also not going to write this and act like everything is okay, I'm tired of pretending - that pit of pretending I'm perfect and I'm okay and using those wonderful little catch phrases while inside and by myself I'm crying asking God what is wrong with me...oh everything in me wants to delete that because someone will read it and say what kind of Christian am I for feeling like this or struggling or even have a bad day. I'll tell you - a forgiven and very much loved by God - He's my heavenly Father that loves me enough to say okay it's time to take my hand and get up again quit beating yourself up for fallen you asked for forgiveness I've forgiven you, now forgive yourself, He loves to spend time with me and hear about my day and my struggles and my steps forward, God loves me enough to say I know you may not like this and think it's not fair but this isn't good for you trust Me, He loves me enough to say wait and He loves me enough to say it's okay to not be okay here baby girl cry on my shoulder I promise I'll see you through this storm.


And as many a preacher will say that wasn't in my notes!


I recently got to see We Are Messengers in a concert that I just so happened to find out about (it was totally a God wink, as I heard someone call it and as my mom once said there is no such thing as coincidences, God has a reason for you meeting those people or in this case being at this show). In one part of the show Darren was talking how his wife says he stretches out his t-shirts because any time he talks about God holding on to him he will grab hold and pull on his shirt. I don't know about you but I felt like many times God has taken a hold of my shirt and grabbed me and kept me from falling off of a cliff into a not so good situation. You know what else is great, when I didn't listen and got myself in a mess God grabbed a hold of my shirt and helped lift me up out of that pit. A couple weeks ago I found myself in a mess and it's all cause I didn't listen to God and the people that God has placed in my life to be my family and to help me in this walk. This not listening got me in a place with any option I had didn't seem good and all I wanted was to get back home. I was talking to my mom (one if you are reading this hope you are okay with me writing that or any of this and also isn't it awesome that God gives us family and people that will love us and be there for us) but she said that whatever I did that her and pop would love me no matter what. Now if you don't know me I have a terrible time trusting people and even more so not being afraid that people aren't going to leave me but thankfully that's gotten so much better. I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me because it let me know that she and pop will love me even when I make dumb mistakes or don't listen and it unintentionally helped me see that God is like that - He loves me even when I mess up. So don't get upset when God grabs you by the shirt because He may be keeping you from falling off of a cliff and always know He'll grab you and get you out of any pit you may be in (and though it may not feel like it He's right there with you).


Have you ever felt like you needed to tell someone something, or give them a hug, or just do something with them (if anyone ever would like to get the notion that they would like to take me fishing so I can finally say I got to go fishing, that would be great!)? This happens to me a lot but to be perfectly honest I let my fears and doubts usually win and don't do what I should. I lose out on letting someone know how I feel and also they may need that seemingly simple pointless couple of sentences or that hug because we don't know what people are struggling with. In every We Are Messenger show he has a part where you hold the hand of the person(s) next to you and he says the person that you are holding hands with you don't know what they may be going through, how broken hearted they may be, the doubts fears and storms they are going through. Anyway, it just so happened that at the end of the show that Darren was going to be signing and meeting with anyone that wanted to meet with him. This is one of my favorite groups and I have wanted to meet him just to tell him how much God has used his music and what he says in his shows to help me and my walk with God. As it was I never got the chance any other time I have seen him. This night, though I felt I very much needed to stay and see if I could meet him. Not cause what I have to say is important or even matters but I had that nudge that I needed to (speaking from experience of not paying attention to that nudge, always, I repeat ALWAYS pay attention and listen to that nudge). Anyway, so I didn't know what I was going to say or even if he would hear me. I'm not even going to say what I told him cause I don't want it to come across as me bragging but I think I said what I was supposed to. I will tell you a couple things he said (not to brag, one of them is just funny especially if you know me and know the never ending jokes about me being quiet). So one thing was when I started talking he said wow you're softly spoken (I am convinced the bottle with volume was mislabeled when God created me and somehow it got switched with the tears so I got just a dollop of volume and a whole bottle of tears and crying very easily when I'm happy, sad, mad, etc.). He and everyone else that has ever said it is right I am quiet but though I am quiet I have a lot to say I'm just going to have to be a bit creative in how I say it and how I am heard. Though I am quiet I have a lot to say and I have a roar that will be heard one day. You know it's okay that I'm quiet but I think I'm going to make a big impact and I will always be known as that quiet girl but that's not all I will be known for.


Last thing and really the only reason I meant to write about and why I started to write this post. When I was talking to Darren obviously I'm trying to hurry cause he has a line of people still waiting to talk to him and such but I said what I did and was getting ready to leave and he said Can I give you another hug I don't know when (or if) I will see you again. And yes for the record I do not mind hugs, I am a hugger I just haven't gotten to where I can give hugs (it's funny cause it is true, I always say if I could figure out how to give hugs I know good and well I'd be a hugger). That got me thinking how true that is for us all and I probably won't ever get to meet him again or if I'm fortunate enough to who knows when that will be and I'm sure he won't remember me. Here's the thing though- may we never wait to tell someone something, may we never be afraid to give just one more hug, may we always listen to that nudge to say, listen or so something with someone. And give that extra hug. I have a couple of people that I'm sure they have caught on that when I ask for a hug I got a little bit much going on my mind but it's also because they give the best hugs ever and it's one of those hugs that reminds me I am loved.


So today can I remind you that you matter, that whatever storm you are facing please hang on because today may be the day you feel the tug on your t-shirt to pull you the rest of the way through the storm or at least to hold on to you so that you don't drown, you may not see it or believe it but you are strong enough to get through this, and if you need a hug I'm sending you a great big hug and love ya (because though I think showing it can mean more and there are plenty of ways to show it sometimes we just need to hear or see it in writing)

I'm Afraid of the Dark

Some of you all ust read the title and are laughing, some already typing out God didn't give you a spirit of fear before they even open it, and some of you are thinking what in the world is she rambling about now (nothing wrong with either of those). That's a good question, I don't know if I will answer it but if you give me a few minutes of your time I would like to confess something.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Yes, you read that correctly and no I don't really mean the night time. Sure I used to be afraid of the dark when I was a kid but the night time is also when I got to see the stars and imagine flying up in the skies to get a better view. No, this is a different dark I am going to confess facing. I have no label or title for it so I just call it dark because that's how it feels - dark, empty, alone. Want to know what I am more afraid of than the dark? I'm afraid I won't find the light again.

Now that we got that out of the way please allow me to take this somewhat of a side road on this thought.  The dark, fear, lies, whatever of the many names it attacks you as has this way to make the ones facing it to maybe think I can't talk to so and so I will bother them,they are going through stuff themselves, etc. And for those of us that are seeing and know the darkness is attacking a loved one well sometimes there is this uncomfortable sense that may stop you from asking one more time are you okay, let's grab lunch, or to just sit. Seeing the tricks and lies is a huge step to getting through this,no I will not type get over it. Yes, sometimes people get so stuck you need to show a little tough love to snap them out of it and help them back up. But to be honest with you I don't like the phrase get over it or something that implies that. And no doubt I am guilty of saying that - my apologies to anyone I did that to. When I get over it, I don't it just gets buried because I didn't get that process of even dealing with why it bothered me and such but that just may be me and something else I need to work on. Here's what I want to do for me and I hope I can do for others. I want to get through it, I know it might not be easy and I may get beat up and I may fall a few times but I want to get through it so if there is a next time that I have to face a particular darkness I got some armor on and know that I can beat this and I will have some of my own tricks and maneuvers to fight back. And sure there may be a time you get over it but I'm getting through it, I'm going to fight back, I'm going to see the light.

I'm currently reading a book titled, What Grieving People Wish You Knew about What Really Helps (and What Really Hurts)
 by Nancy Guthrie..it was a book I kind of found by accident while looking through a section at the bookstore but I know so many that are grieving and I don't ever know what to say so it seemed worth buying. So far it has helped but I also realized these are not only good for someone grieving a loss of a loved one but really even in those moments that one may just be facing any kind of dark moment. I'm only in chapter 3 but if you will allow me the time I would like to point tout a few things that have stuck with me and can really be used with anyone facing a difficulty. One was thinking there was someone checking on them so they didn't and it becomes no one ends up being there for the person. Now you all know I am a firm believer you meet people for a reason and I believe God places people in your life and may we all have at least one person that we can go to or that will think I haven't heard from so and so I need to check on them. Please if you ever have that gut feeling listen to it, your simple message may make the person's day so much better. The other thing was we think the person we go to to talk needs to be left alone because they are going through stuff - on the other hand also don't get offended if they don't talk like they used to for a time. But they need time and space but not to the point of feeling deserted. This one has been a tricky one for me on both ends to be honest especially lately cause one of the people I have finally gotten comfortable to talk with is going through their own stuff and I keep not talking to them cause I feel like I will bother them (even more than I normally worry about that). And the last one I will mention is we worry we will say the wrong thing - so much so that we don't say anything. There is absolutely a time to just sit with the person but don't be afraid to say something no matter how simple or not helpful you think it may be because it really may come out wrong but it could also be just what the person needs to hear.

So the dark can be a pit but we won't be in the pit forever. This life can be tricky so may we not hesitate to help those that God puts in our life to help them out of the pit and sometimes that may even mean giving them a tough love kick (I'm fairly certain I have one I will be getting and rightfully so). See sometimes I will repeat the right words I know to say in trying to spark the light to brighten the room again and find my way out and every drop of the truth helps and I most definitely have to do my part but sometimes we need that trusted friend to pray with us, to kick us, to hold out a hand or lend an ear.

I'm afraid of the dark but I see the light.

Letters to Me

I can't sleep. I have way to much on my mind with way to many tabs open in my brain. So here I am writing. Rambling. It's probably a repeat rambling too. Not even sure why I am sharing this one but I got it all wrote out so I guess I might as well. I've been slacking on writing anyway so at least it will be something.

You know how people often say if I could go back I would change so and so decision that I made or something like that? I got thinking about that tonight, actually been thinking about that for a while. I don't ever under any circumstances want to go back even if it ever did become possible. Nope, don't you dare make me. I would however send a letter to younger me if possible just cause younger me likes to get letters/cards too and I might would pay attention to that. I would specifically like to have a letter sent to me at six years old and 17 years old. Each one would be slightly different.

For example the letter to six year old me would go something like this:

Dear April,
I know you don't really understand what is going on right now and are trying to figure it out to make some kind of sense. It will never make perfect sense and that's going to be okay and you know what so are you. I need you to remember that God doesn't hate you and is in fact with you and is going to get you through some pretty rough nights and moments - it just may take you many years to fully understand this. Please remember that it is going to be okay and you are tough, you will make it through this.
Sincerely,
You wouldn't believe me if I told you

Then at 17 years old my letter would go something like this:

Dear April,
Congratulations you have made it to your senior year of high school almost survived. That's awesome, I hope you are proud of yourself because you should be. I need to give you a little warning it's going to be a difficult year for you but please remember you are strong, so much stronger then you give yourself credit for. For many, many years, potentially for the rest of your life you are going to think of your senior year as the worst year of your life because you see for three months you will see your grandma fight her hardest fight against cancer and she gave it her all but from this side it looks like the cancer won and you are going to have to say see you later to your grandma - I won't lie it's going to be the hardest thing you will have to do. I'm going to warn you too that at this time you are going to have to fight really, really hard cause you will have some massive lies and fears coming your way and it will even look like they are going to win but you hold on okay, hold on with everything you got because although the lies are going to say just give up, you would be better off dead you have some awesome things to look forward to. Can I tell you a few things? By now you have fought really hard with feeling alone and that you aren't worthy and that you don't matter - keep fighting against those lies and fears. Because you aren't alone God is always there with you (it's true and one day you do start to fully grasp this) and on top of that God is going to send some amazing people in your life. Please always remember that you are an overcomer and you will overcome these battles that have and will try to destroy you, you are going to accomplish some goals that you never even dreamed of because you was to afraid to, you're going to fall and that's okay because you're going to get back up each time, you're going to cry a lot I will just let you know now you are a crier but that's okay, you may want to get used to people saying you are quiet and always be ready to spell your last name. Now by now you have got some really high walls built up it's going to be awhile longer but you will get to tear those walls down - it's a good thing, I promise. In a few months you're going to be really angry with God and think you aren't going to ever have anyone in your life to even get a hug from and feel really alone but I promise it gets better. You are going to meet someone that will take you under their wings and help you a lot, they will become more like family. And you are going to get to meet some cousins that will also help you tremendously. Now it's going to be an interesting roller coaster of a ride one that you will wish for it to permanently stop a few times. Keep fighting here okay. And you even get to talk to your brother, I know you won't believe it when it happens either. As I write this that's about all I know of that but it's a major step forward. Now, are you still wondering about the question you have been asking since you was six? I know you are and can I tell you the answer - yes...yes you will get to know what it is like to have a mother's love and influence and God will even send someone that you get to call mom and you are going to meet people that will adopt you into their family and come to mean so very much to you. See you got so very much ahead of you, more than I even realize as I write this to send to you. So it's going to be difficult but you are strong and you will hang in there and fight like hell to overcome it. Because you got a story to share one that though you don't think it matters it is going to - it always has and it always will. You may not see it now and it may take a long time but you're going to laugh like you ain't laughed and you're going to get a lot of hugs and even get to where you can give hugs. So you keep fighting because you are going to do some amazing things. Don't you ever give up okay?
Sincerely,
You still wouldn't believe me if I told you.

I guess that's why we can't go back or send letters because we wouldn't believe what we told our younger selves at all, at least I wouldn't. But you know I am glad I can take a quick trip and look back at how far I have made it. I may still have a lot to work on but thank God I am not where I used to be. And I am so thankful for the people that are in my life that have and continue to be there for me and help me. I'm so glad I am realizing it's okay to let people in. I'm thankful for the scars and the wear and tear from carrying loads that we're never mine to carry because though it has been and some days continues to be a hard fight it is also a reminder that I am stronger then I think and I am a fighter. No I'm a warrior. And though the giant has thought he has defeated me for good several times I will not quit, I will not give up, I will have the victory.

Finding My Song

I had a couple paragraphs written out, thought I was finally getting what I needed to write out. I was wrong. I was writing, yes, even had it flowing and sounding pretty but I don't need this post to be pretty or the words to flow and say what I think whoever may read this would want to read. I just need to be honest. I just need to have my many grammatical errors and my hillbilly talk. I just need to find my song and that's what I'm going to try to do.

 The previous paragraph has been sitting in draft form for a long  time and to be honest I'm still not sure how or what to write but let's see what song I can come up with. I'm going to start by sharing some lyrics for a song that I recommend you look up and listen to, titled Scars by I Am They:

Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore...


Physical scars are easier to get over, they heal and all you have is the scar to remind you of whatever happened to cause the scar (generally, physically scars can hurt too). Emotional scars, those can be very painful scars that can take a very long time to heal from - but you can heal from them - will it be easy each time, possibly not but there is healing. May I be a small voice of reasoning in case those emotional scars have caused the lies of you will not be this, you don't deserve happiness, this is your fault, etc of lies that are swirling in your mind. Every single one of those are lies, you are worthy, you deserve happiness and you will be happy, and a lot of times we are carrying loads that were never, ever ours to carry. If you are carrying one of those loads may I encourage you to lay it down, you've carried it long enough. If you can't lay it down right away please find someone to help you lay it down or at the very least help you carry it until you can lay it down. See that voice doesn't want you to hear your true song.

Last night as I was driving home I was listening to a song, I didn't know all of the lyrics to it but the ones I knew I would sing out (not really sing - be glad to never hear me sing, it's more of a noise!). It got me thinking. See I've been struggling with some fears that stem from some emotional scars and baggage that I have carried. I'll tell you three of them: scared beyond measure that things were going to happen and some people would leave and not be in my life anymore, that there was no way people could see me as their family or even why would they want  me to be a part of their lives, and that I didn't deserve that and those people. LIE, LIE and another big old LIE. As I was listening to this song last night and I only knew parts of the lyrics I thought it's kind of like our own songs if you will. So often life gives us songs that were never meant to be on our playlists and we believe they have to stay and we even start to believe the lyrics that spew out nothing but lies of who we are. There are some parts of the emotional scars that are easy to beat and some they have cut so deep that it can be a little more tricky but you just keep playing the song of who you really are. All of our songs are different but put together they make one awesome playlist. See my song had been playing those lies I had mentioned plus a few more and it was so loud that's all I could hear, it was like when you play a CD and it skips, mine was skipping right over the lines of the truth. But something happened and I remembered this isn't all of the song so I cleaned up the CD if you will and tried playing it again. In real life wanna know what I did? I just so happened to be reading over some old messages that someone sent me and I realized one just how much they have put with me but also how much that they have encouraged me and help me carry the load and have helped me to sit it down and I also realized they really do see me as a part of their family and they don't mind that I see them as my family and to steal a line God knits people in your life cause He's a fantastic author and knows who you need (took me a long time to get that and more so to get that I am deserving to have those kinds of people in my life and to accept the love they have to give).

Hopefully in conclusion I just want to say that when your song is playing and it tries to play the old version and tell the lies and fears and whatnot may you and I both remember that those things that caused the scars are just a line in the song it's not the whole song. No matter how many times you have to replay it and no matter how loud you have to play it - sing those lines and verses of the truth of who you really are and you sing them loud because you deserve to be heard. You have a beautiful song and don't let anyone try to tell you that it doesn't deserve to be heard or played. And on those moments when you can't quite hear the lyrics of the truth or you just don't think you'll make I encourage you to go to someone you trust and let them help you (and if you are like me trust and know that God is there and will work it out - even though it isn't always easy to remember that, it is true) Because fear is a liar and you my friend are an overcomer and you know what I am too. I think we need to turn up our song and let some people hear it, what do you say?