In Between Days

Today reminded me of one of those in between days where winter isn't entirely ready to let go but you still see signs of spring. Those days where the mornings and night can have a crisp feel but the afternoon is so beautiful you forgot you the cold crisp air woke you up without the aid of any coffee. And there are those days where the April (or March as is the case now) showers show up to bring May flowers. Those showers, I don't know, they are kind of like in between days. The rain can feel inconvenient at the time especially when it shows up on a day when you had the perfect plan of how to spend the day outside and sometimes it can hurt getting pelted by the rain especially when there is a wind swaying the raindrops at just the right angle and force. Although for the most part I like a rainy day even on those days when it ruins plans or causes a little pain in the end just like the flowers appreciate that refreshing hydration and I appreciate the beauty of the flowers that bloom I can see how the rainy in between day was needed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a in between decade because thirties are an odd age yet quite possibly my favorite thus far because I am finally finding out who I am or at least better understanding myself. Of course there are still days where the rain pours or at the very least the sky (my thoughts) gets dark and gray with threats that the biggest storm of my life is going to let loose and I won't make it through. You know I got thinking about that today and the thought came out of the blue really that I am thankful and appreciate the light because I have known the darkness. I think I started this post by putting the cart before the horse in ways but hopefully I get what I want to say out where it can be understood. To get that in the right order I guess I should write what I don't really want to write. At the top of my no doubt fairly long list of shortcomings/failings is that I tend to try to carry my load by myself because I don't want to bother people. On the other end of that I try and hope I succeed in doing my best to help others carry their loads. I try to be a person that you can come to me at any time and I'll listen to what's going on and do whatever I can to help relieve the heaviness of the load, most of the time that is just being there to listen. I'm notorious for any time I do open up or whatever whether you know it or not I go into a panic and immediately think why did I say that I've said to much oh I really wish I hadn't said that. It's pointless but I still do it. I admit and bring that up only because in the past couple or so weeks I have been reminded that we're not on this ride alone and it's okay to let that person(s) know hey I'm having a major in between day that is pretty dark and cloudy. Sometimes it's just nice knowing there is someone that is there not because they're just wanting gossip to have to spread, or to belittle you but to be there and help you. Sometimes when you carry so much for so long you just have a bit of a difficult time seeing the good that will come out of what is going on. Because I guess I was also reminded that to some degree everyone we know and meet is facing something or at some point will have one of those days. I also learned that apparently I am still good at hiding just how I feel, I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or not. I guess my point is that when you have these kinds of days may you always remember 1) that you matter, 2) it's okay to let others help you carry the load, 3) if you're like me may you always keep a tight hold on your faith/hope, 4) may you always hear and believe the voice of truth and not the one that can sometimes so easily tell such believable lies. Because sometimes the storm that was meant to destroy us in the end it makes the blossom that much stronger and brighter. I guess I've wrote enough but I will end with sharing a quote I read from a picture I recently saw (I unfortunately don't know who to give credit for saying this but it was well worth sharing) and that was: Never, ever tell me that 'it doesn't matter' because if it was enough to make you cry, it it hurt you that much then it does matter. Never think that you are insignificant or that your problems aren't important because you matter.

Broken Chains

I've had this story posted before...well a version of it that I recently read again and decided I would try to rewrite it, even changed the title (cause you know I am terrible with titles). I think I'm okay with this version, I just probably shouldn't read it again or I'll find something that I'll think needs worded differently but there comes a time you have to say a story is finished and let it be or there could be nothing to the story but a bunch of words. In case you never read the original version or whatever the idea of this came from a lesson in a Sunday School class and it was to write a few sentences of what Barabbas may have thought that day and the wannabe writer in me couldn't let it go at a few sentences so a few days later I wrote the more in depth story and after a few changes and this final change this is what I wrote. It's not meant to add or take away from anything, ultimately the end is my story.


Broken Chains

I opened my eyes unsure of whether it was day or night. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure what day it was. When thinking is all you have to pass the time by  what day it is doesn’t always matter. As I stood up the tug of the chains that had me bound reminded me quickly of where I was. How long had it been since I was thrown in this prison? It was then I overheard the guards talking. They mentioned something about Passover and how Pilate would often pardon one prisoner. In fact, he was doing so today.
    I wasn’t going to start planning my first day of freedom yet. Honestly, could anyone really set me free? There were more people happy to see me rotting away in this prison cell than ones ready to see me outside among them again. Sure I may have broken a law or two. I’d probably do it again but I’m not that bad of a person and I’m certain there are people enjoying their freedom that have broken as many and even worse laws. My thoughts were interrupted as the guards dragged me out of my cell. They said they were taking me to Pilate. Could it be that I may have a chance to be pardoned after all?
    I soon found myself standing in front of a large crowd of people. I almost wanted to ask the guards to take me back as the voices of the crowd grew louder shouting about the other prisoner I was now standing beside. As I listened more closely to the crowd I could hear them saying, ‘Crucify Him! Crucify Him!’ It sounded like a riot could break out any moment. I looked at the crowd then at this man beside me. They called him Jesus and were accusing him of serious crimes and were really wanting Him to pay with his life.
    Maybe I can start planning for my first day of freedom after all. Wait, I spoke to soon because it was then I heard Pilate ask the roaring crowd what evil had this Jesus done and wouldn’t they rather just release Him. Great, I’m so close to being free yet still so far from its grasp. Oddly Jesus remained silent throughout all of this. When Pilate asked the people who they wanted released to my surprise it was my name they called out. Pilate must not have believed it either because he repeated the question and again it was my name they shouted. I couldn’t believe it, I was going to be pardoned. I must admit I was a bit upset Pilate was trying to keep me imprisoned and let Jesus go. However, I began to think of what all I had heard about Jesus. There were talks of how he had fed thousands and had even healed people. As I was thinking this I could still hear the crowd almost joyfully chanting ‘Crucify Him! Crucify Him!’ I then began to question why these people were so determined that Jesus shed his blood on a cross. Standing beside Jesus I found myself really seeing him. It was odd He was on the brink of being crucified yet He didn’t act mad or even try to get out of this. Here I was about to be released only because they hated the other guy more. I’d lived my whole life not really caring about any consequences my actions may have on my life or others. I’ve done wrong to so many yet I was walking away.
    Jesus acted like He was meant to be there. As if He was willing to die for someone He really loved. Whoever it is they must mean a lot to Him. That’s a strong love that’s willing to take the pain and agony of death by crucifixion. I wonder if they’ll appreciate it or even recognize what He’s doing? It was then I realized the guards were taking my chains off and began to push me away from Jesus and toward the crowd. As I stepped toward the angry people in the crowd I looked back at Jesus.
    I had a feeling that is still difficult to find the correct words to truly describe it but everything was finally sinking in on what had just occurred. I was trying my best to sort it out in my mind. Why in the world were they letting me go? There was no denying I was guilty of the crimes I had been sitting in that dingy cell for but what was Jesus really guilty of? Now these people were not even thinking or concerned that I was back on the streets living among them or that I could easily go back to my wicked ways. I should have been excited, or at the very least relieved, yet I still felt like a prisoner. I couldn’t help but ask myself why were they letting Jesus be beaten and crucified? He was dying for my crimes, for all of my sins. You may not believe me but it was as though He knew that too. That’s when I finally started understanding it all a little more. That was the reason Jesus didn’t speak up and defend himself, to say anything to get out of being punished by death. He really was not only dying for me but everyone. He did love me and care about me. When I understood and finally believed that, it was like I became a different person. I didn’t feel like a prisoner anymore, the chains were truly and finally coming unbound. All those chains of guilt, hate and even shame that I hadn’t even realized I was bound by were being removed.
    Some may remember that day as one that justice was served to Jesus, this man that supposedly broke the laws, but that’s not how I remember it. That day will forever be in my memory as the day Jesus, an innocent man and the Son of God, loved me enough to be crucified and I, the one that deserved that fate was set free…truly set free.
  


 I heard this song earlier today while listening to Pandora while working and thought I'd add it here just because it's a good song, I like it and well why not add it. 

Just a Number

As I was driving around today I got to thinking and if I'm honest I was thinking about weather or not to fully cross that line to frustration. With what, you may ask, and am I glad you did! I was about to get frustrated....okay, I was at the very least bothered by the number I saw when I weighed this morning. Oh, the number didn't go up but it didn't go down either. I'm stuck....but that's not exactly what I want to focus on because you see in the end that number that showed up is just that...a number.

That number doesn't tell you anything about who I really am. It doesn't accurately or completely show the outer shell of my being. Somehow we to often see that number on the scale (now why that and diet aren't considered bad words is still beyond me) and I, and maybe you too, think that defines us. Like if we were to look ourselves up in the people dictionary all that would be there is that number. I don't think that number would even make it because as stated earlier it's just a number. Who I am is so much more than that number could come close to showing. It doesn't show how I can find the corniest jokes funny, my favorite book, color or movie.  It doesn't show how often I go walking in the woods to enjoy the sounds and sights or to clear the clutter in my head. It doesn't tell you about the amazing people in my life, doesn't tell you about my faith or about my dreams. No, it's just a number. One that the scale doesn't show, or accurately show, just how I have been more conscious of if I am eating cause I am hungry or bored and how I have been exercising.
But you see I got trapped in that lie earlier today, that lie that all that I am and who I am is all in that number. I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what more I could do to get that number down. I hate labels and here I was labeling myself based on a number. Oh, but I am so much more...and so are you. May we get the idea of the perfect number and size out of our minds and just be the perfectly imperfect person that makes us each who we are.

Seeds

I've been writing this post in my head for quite some time but I continue to struggle with how and if I should write it. Can I write it in way to say what I mean without it getting misconstrued. I guess there's only one way to find out (good thing not many people read this). I guess I'll start with the most recent thought and go from there....

I recently was listening to this devotion type thing and in a particular segment the person was talking about a blue ribbon grown tomato and how the person that grew it was asked how he did so. It was at this point that I found out I'm not the only one that can hear something as simple as how a blue ribbon tomato was grown and take it somewhere else that has nothing else to do with the subject. I'll get to where they went but first I'll take you to where my brain went (I save their point last because they always say save the best for last and their point is much better). I got thinking how you plant a seed and then I got thinking how seeds get planted in us...not literal seeds but seeds of faith, encouragement, discouragement, etc. I'm going to focus for a bit on the faith one. Oftentimes one may not realize when a seed is planted and sometimes I wonder when it comes to the faith one that people get impatient with how fast or much another persons seed of faith is growing or seemingly not to the person watching the seed grow. Without purposefully meaning to it can be easy to come along and pile more dirt on that seed that has been planted with things like you should be at this point in your walk by now or things like that. See you have to plant a seed not to far in the dirt so it can get the light but not to much, get water and be close enough to the service that it can break through the ground but plant roots too. If you pile to much dirt on top of the seed or plant it to deep (maybe it's got ground into the ground farther by, in this scenario words that were said) that seed won't have the energy or ability to grow and break through all of that dirt and thus it dies. We get so caught up on what the seed (person) isn't or what we think they aren't that we miss and don't fully appreciate what that person went through to break through the ground to get to the light so it can continue to grow. Which is a good place to go to what the person was saying in the devotion I was listening to. See the gardener said to grow that blue ribbon tomato he had to do some pruning which meant taking away some of the other tomatoes that were growing on the vine to give that one tomato enough room so it could grow. Sometimes I think we forsake a plant after it starts growing, oh we may water it every now and then but forget the important step of pruning and also oftentimes painful (when a person has to prune some things out of their life). At the time it doesn't look like it will help or make a difference but in due time it can be seen how much it did. Ultimately it's up to us how much we grow and to do the pruning but sometimes like the plant needs help in the gardener removing the dead leaves, or making sure the plant is getting enough light, sometimes we need help be it an encouraging word, prayer or what have you. Sometimes we get to much dirt piled on us and we don't have the energy to grow to get through to the light. There's a song called Brother by needtobreathe and I like the message of that song because it's saying I'll be there to help you when you need it. And I should probably end it here but I'm going to take it one step further before I really do try to end this. Because you see sometimes it feels like people are so focused on tearing others down or dare I say so worried about clicking share, like and typing amen on that picture on Facebook that we're deserting the seeds in others and ourselves so much so that we could be sitting right beside someone that is so dried up and all they need is a drop of water to remind them that they do matter, they are important, that those lies that say otherwise and are trying to further bury them are just that lies, piles of dirt to try to prevent you from seeing that. You ain't got to be a big shot or have lots of money to help people. Have we forgotten what an impact it is to just be there, just taking a walk with someone or sitting on the porch (or in the house if you ain't big on being outside)...my point is you don't have to speak eloquently or say a lot or do expensive things together to make a difference to help that seed grow. I'll give you an example, there's a page I follow on Facebook and they wrote something that really hit home with me, part of it did anyway, and I kept thinking I needed to message this person and thank them for being honest in their struggles and in helping remind me that it's all going to be okay. That's not to toot my own horn because you see I got way more out of it then I imagine that person did because what they said in their reply meant so very much. It was a drop water, a ray of light, right when I needed it most. So instead of worrying about how many times you hit like, type amen or share that picture, because I promise you God ain't keeping a tally of it and it ain't proving or helping your faith grow...no you want to do that how about you pray for those around you and for things going on in the world, how about you tell someone how important they are (you never know it could be the life saving drop of water that beautiful flower may need), when you see someone trying to prune some things out of their life don't say well I'd do it this way or something like that encourage them because pruning can be a tedious, difficult thing to get through. I reckon I've said enough...maybe even to much but with this I'll step off of my soap box. Maybe next time I'll get to my other thoughts.

I almost forgot to mention the annual Winter Jam. As always it was a great time spent with friends and hearing some great music. We got some great seats but I'll let my pictures do the talking. And it really will be the end of this with the pictures.

Winter Time Blues

I'm not a big fan of winter.  It, like everything else, has its positives and negatives. I tend to look at the seasons as a time to plant, a time to grow, time to reap and a time to rest. I also look at the seasons of life like that. I'm not always the most patient person and sometimes I, intentionally or not I'm not sure, tend to try to rush through life. I sometimes wonder if some of my life lessons that feel like I'm stuck in aren't just the only way to force me to slow down. By that I mostly mean my thoughts but sometimes to also literally make me slow down. After so many weeks of forced hibernation (it's not as fun when it's an only option) I start to get restless. The snow can be pretty but I long to see the leaves and the flowers blooming. I'm ready for some Technicolor if you will. Perhaps it could be a little bit more than that though. I believe I'm ready to see what could bloom in me if I'd just let it. I've had some things planted. They grew and some of those things I reaped but can I be honest, some of those things I didn't reap because I was afraid. Some things I didn't plant or take care of after I planted them like I should have so it wilted before I could reap what was sown. So you see sometimes I need that rest, that slow down so I remember to take the time to cultivate, nurture, prepare and wait (rest) to let what was planted grow in its time and let it bloom. That's where I sometimes fail. Just let the flower bloom. Because if I'd let this quiet, curly haired flower that wears glasses bloom I'd go places and make differences I can't even dream of. So don't rush through any season or get discouraged because flowers and even people bloom when they are supposed to if we give them enough time and light.

A Great Title Goes Here

I've not really written much lately but thought I'd try to write a little bit today, I suppose here is where a disclaimer should be to read the following ramblings at your own risk which includes but is not limited to exclaiming huh a lot, shaking ones head and thinking I can't ever get that time back that I just utterly wasted reading this.

I had tried yesterday to write a post about a thought I had while waking up at 1:00 a.m and waiting until sleep decided to visit again. The thought was wondering where the statement the truth hurts came from/about because as much truth as there may be in that statement I'd rather hear the truth than to be clothed with a seemingly beautiful garment that is made up of nothing but lies. That garment of truth might not look so pretty at first but in the end it will be more beautiful or better at the very least than the mountain of lies. Granted there are ways and times and such to think about when telling the truth but as much as I may not like the truth when I hear it in the end I'll appreciate it or at the very least know I can trust you which means a lot to me. As you can see that would have been a waste of a topic to write about so shall we go on to the next thing...

 That would be dreams - like the ones you have while sleeping because I never have a shortage of strange dreams. I know most all of them are nothing although I've had a few that I'm not entirely convinced that there was a much bigger meaning to them. The regular dreams tend to have me thinking I know it was just a dream but...well I'm getting a bit ahead of myself perhaps. An example of what I'm trying to say/write was a dream I had last night that in part found me in some building that was going to have some event held in it but also looked like it was a flea market. There was an area that had boxes that were decorated for what I don't know but someone had the idea we were supposed to see what the boxes were made up of or something but as I was walking to the boxes they started looking menacing and like something was in the boxes that was going to hurt me. So the fear took over and I went back and just told the person to tell me what the boxes were made of or something. Somewhere after that my great aunt that passed away back in '08 was there and she said something along the lines that we needed to get together more often at least once a year. See told you I have weird dreams. Now that's all that was I'm sure of but it got me thinking because I've noticed that I somehow have let fear back in my life and anxieties and such have hindered me in ways that I was at one point making great progress at. And I suppose if I could take a lesson from that dream was that the fear made those boxes look, well scary and like I was going to get harmed if I went any closer to them but when I found out what was inside the boxes and was they were made of (they were decorated in different ways) I realized there was nothing about the boxes that could hurt me but no joke the fear and such that I felt was real. I guess my lesson was just like I did in the dream all to often in my real life I focus to much and to long on the fear until like in the dream a box somehow seems incredibly dangerous and sends me running. It was like in my dream there was a small voice trying to tell me there was nothing to fear but the volume on the anxieties got turned up so loud that I could no longer hear the small voice telling me it was okay and sometimes that happens in real life too. So my thinking is that no matter how quiet that small voice is that is telling me it's okay if I can just get back to focusing on that then hopefully and ideally the loud annoying voice that is fear/anxiety will quiet down and I'll see the big scary box for what it truly is. I just really overthought that dream and don't take that as downplaying illnesses such as anxiety.

I guess I'll end this with a beautiful version of Amazing Grace sung by Joey and Rory - no real rhyme or reason for posting it. I just like it.

What do you mean 2015 is already almost over?

I don't know if I'm the only one that feels like they just blinked and suddenly we're already almost at the end of 2015. I feel like I just got used to writing and saying 2015 for everything. I'm not one to make new years resolutions or at least not as far as at the beginning of the year stating I'm going to blah blah blah. I do constantly try to improve on my shortcomings but I don't make that a well I'll start on that in the new year or what have you no offense if that is something one does. I say do what works for you on improving or meeting ones goals not what the studies say to do because what works for the majority or for another person doesn't guarantee it'll give you the same results. With that I think I'll revisit a bit of what happened in 2015 for me again I didn't start the year with any real resolutions or really any particular goals. I do have to say that this has been overall a really great year. I love to travel but knew I wouldn't get any big trips in but ended up getting to have some of the best travels by just driving around the backroads and discovering hidden treasures of places. Better yet I got to go to some of these places with people I really care about in fact a couple of my favorite trips fall in that category. I got to meet new people this year. I think, hope, that I have matured and grown in ways. So as this year closes and a new one is about to begin I am thankul for all of the opportunities I had, the friendships I have and continuing to grow and improve not only in my faith but also into hopefully a good person and friend. Here's hoping that 2016 for you and I brings opportunities to meet whatever goals you have but perhaps most importantly may each day give us a chance to show others we care and encourage and help each other in this life because one can always use an encouraging word or help or to know they matter.

In closing I thought I'd share a few of my favorite pictures from my adventures this year.

 From one of my favorite trips that I got to go one this year

 This was another fun trip to see Anglin Falls

 From Winter Jam this year. This is always an event I look forward to going to not only because it is a fun, encouraging concert to go to but it's always great to spend time in line and at the concert with friends.

 Got to make a couple trips to a couple of zoos this year and this was probably by far one of my favorites I've ever gotten the chance to take

 I love music and as much as crowds can stress me out I love going to concerts and this was one of the absolute best concerts I was fortunate enough to get to go to this year.

 I added this one not because it's really that great of a picture although it was amazing to see Cumberland Falls that flooded but because it was one of those top favorite trips I got to go to not necessarily because of the destination but who I got to spend the day with. This particular day I got to spend with my little cousin and it was such a fun day.

  Autumn colors and mountains, doesn't really get much better!

I always love when I get a chance to find a covered bridge to go to