I'm having a major thought overload, like in the movies where every alarm is going off and you have the annoying computer counting down to remind you of the pending doom....okay it's probably not to that extreme but it sounded like a good way to put it. Although it is to the point of I'm seriously wishing there was a mute button. Shall we get on the wonderful ride of random thoughts? Fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride :)
I have little habits that I do when I'm nervous that normally I don't even realize I'm doing them (biting/picking at my fingernails, I know it's gross, don't judge me!). I'm not even sure how or why one does those habits because for me they don't even really help me calm down. I recently discovered I have a new habit that I do when thinking and/or nervous and that one I do notice and it actually can get annoying. I can't even explain how I do it but I end up making this snapping sound but I'm not actually snapping my fingers. It's not so bad for a while then suddenly I realize I'm doing it and the more I try to stop the more I do it. Kind of like when I have an ink pen and persistently click the button. Funny how that one is automatically annoying when someone else does it but it takes longer to realize when you are doing it yourself. I guess I do these things for the same unknown reason I have to move my hands when I talk. That's another one I don't realize I'm doing until I about knock someone out (lol not really, I just thought I'd throw that in, although you may want to be on guard if I'm talking about something I'm really excited about).
Sometimes I think I am surrounded by The Silence (sorry for the Doctor Who reference, if you don't watch the show go with the analogy of walking in to the room with a reason to get something but as soon as you walk in the room you forget why you even came to the room to begin with but you have that nagging feeling you know there was something you needed). Why, you ask, well let me over explain this to make absolutely no sense. I'll once again have an a-ha! moment to realize what exactly I am doing that is holding me back from, well pretty much everything. Personally I can say the two biggest culprits are fear and doubt, those are some major bullies let me tell you. So I'll have a big plan of action of how I can face these and knock 'em out, at least a wall or two of them down to get a peek on the outside. Then I turn around to face them head on and completely forget my plan of action of how I was going to face these and sometimes even forget that I had gotten so far as to figure out what I'm facing is what is hindering me and keeping me from being who I can be. However, kind of like how in DW they would put the tally marks on them to know how many Silence they have seen I am figuring out that if I don't tuck my tail and run but go ahead and face the challenge, even if that's only taking one step before I retreat it is a reminder to myself that I do have it in me to face these fears and any kind of step in the right direction is progress. I'm facing the same thing with trying to open up and something as simple as being comfortable at peoples houses. I've seen some quotes before about how real friends just make themselves at homes at their friends house and get stuff to eat without asking and things like that. I have never, ever been able to do that at anyone's house. I have a theory on the why and it's not just because I'm backwards or I think I'd be rude if I did that (those are on the list but not the number one reason). For me the closest I've ever gotten is actually sitting down without someone telling me to sit down but then in my head I'm thinking I wonder if it's okay if I sit here, maybe I should've sit somewhere else or waited until they said for me to sit down. Should I get back up, no that would look stupid I'll just sit here...and so on. And people think quiet people are quiet, y'all just ain't hearing it but we talk a lot.
Last but not least have you ever gotten aggravated and did something stupid that you ended up injuring yourself. See I don't know why I do these things (thankfully it's really rare that it goes to the injuring myself or really getting that aggravated at something - I like to pile it all up and then vent but I don't recommend it) I mean I'm clumsy I don't need to do anything else to help increase the chances of me hurting myself. For example, this past weekend while walking on a trail I tripped over a limb that was in the middle of the trail but I honest to God didn't even see. Apparently, my subconscious was upset that I didn't injure myself so a couple of days later I go and get aggravated at something and kicked an inanimate object and now my poor big toe is paying for my lack of patience. First, yes I know it was stupid to begin with but I did not think I even kicked it that hard but for the record it did get what I needed opened. It's one of those you can't even really complain about it hurting because it was avoidable and I totally brought it all on myself. So all I can really do is laugh about it and say Good job oh ye of little patience how about we not repeat this one in a long time. I'm hoping that this one can work to my advantage and I'll remember the pain that I'm in so the next time I think about losing my patience to that degree something clicks and says hold up I think we did this once before and it didn't end so well how about we just walk away and let it go (everyone break out into Let It Go from Frozen!)
With that I do believe our Random Thought Ride has come to an end so if you will unbuckle your seat belt and exit to your right. I thank you for riding this ride with me and apologize that it was a bit long of a ride, it was all that coffee I drank or that's what I'm blaming it on anyway. So please no suing me for wasting your time after you read this! I'm really, really done now...I think...yup definitely done.
No comments:
Post a Comment