Where Rainbows Never Die (it's a good song thought it'd work for a good blog title)

I have decided to go on a diet, not because I still have weight I need to lose but instead due to the unbelievable crowds at stores this time of year. Usually you can avoid most of the crowds by not going at the first of the month but now it doesn't matter. I went to the store tonight and got terribly nervous/anxious I had to do every trick I could think of to calm myself and finally decided if I forgot something I could live without it and hurried to the checkout lane as fast as I could. I know that sounds ridiculous and overdramatic but it is a terribly crippling thing to have happen. One of those I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy things. Granted it doesn't even take a lot of people for this feeling to hit me. I hate it but I hate how when it happens or I'm faced with going somewhere it could happen some people say it doesn't bother them or I don't see the big deal about it. I know they most likely don't mean anything and may think they are helping but it doesn't help at all. In my head I know it isn't a big deal and shouldn't bother me but something I can't explain, this fear, over powers my logic and it's just terrible. I even have a difficult time at places like church especially when they have dinners. Oh well at least I'm figuring out some tricks to try to help calm me down and stuff. It's hard to explain anxiety and things like that and it's so easy for people to not realize you are dealing with it or easy to say to just get over it. As I wrote earlier I don't wish things on my worst enemy or anyone but there are times I wish people that say things like that could just momentarily feel what that person feels during those times.

I have such a love/hate feeling about this time of year. I love the decorations, music, etc but I hate how I miss certain people that have passed away so much more during this time. Today has been one of those days. I would love to be able to talk to my grandma. I posted that earlier today on FB and said I didn't have anything in particular I had totalk to her about but I lied. I do have something I wish I could talk to her about or just catch her up on what's been going on since she's been gone. Mostly I wish I could get a hug from her those always made me feel better and right now I need that. She would know what to say even if it was nothing but a hug to help me with a certain situation and person I just don't rightly understand or know how to deal with. Oh well it is what is and this to shall pass.