Never a dull moment in my dreams....

This post is really more of  an ongoing conversation I've been having with myself since I woke up from a dream I had this morning in hopes that by writing it down I can make more sense of it. Consider that a warning of the mess you are about to read if you continue. My dreams can be very random and most of the time just leave me waking up trying to remember what I ate the night before that may have helped cause such crazy, irrational dreams and then there are the times that I have a dream that I think there is more to it than an over active imagination combine with an over active REM sleep cycle. For example, since my grandma passed away ten years ago I have had four dreams with her in it and all of them brought some kind of peace and maybe even a little closure in it's own way. As I said, I'm not one to read to much in to my dreams because most of them would make me call the guys with the straight jackets but I really do believe that there are times that there is something to the things we dream. Which brings me to what brought this all about in the first place. Last night I had a dream with my friend Tony that passed away in December and as far as I can remember this is the first time he's ever showed up in a dream but especially since he passed away. Somehow Tony, his wife, daughter and I end up sitting at a table together talking and after something is said amongst his wife and daughter Tony says, 'Would you all quit talking about me like I'm not here.' Then we end up somewhere else with more people and Tony is cutting up like he always did and he finally says something along the lines of  'I gotta go now but I'll see you all later.' and he's gone and I wake up. Oh and I can't end this post without saying this, I wish I could have a picture of what he looked like in my dream but maybe my words will describe it good enough. Have you ever seen a kid open a gift to find out it was a toy or something they have wished with all their might to get? You know that excitement that shines on their face and in their eyes? Well that's the look that Tony had, the happiness and excitement just shown from within him. So now I'm wondering, was this just another dream, was it a dream I should share with his wife (would it even help her if I told her about it) or am I, as I usually do, just over thinking this whole thing? I don't know maybe I do need a visit from the guys with the happy pills and the straight jacket or something. Perhaps it's one of those things I should keep to myself...and now who ever reads this. 

Friends/Family

I've probably wrote about this many times before but it seems I stick with the same subjects when writing any way so why break tradition now. At least where I'm from the saying is always used that blood is thicker than water when talking about being close to family and sticking by them. This post, however, is about my bonus family - those people that are your friends but so much more too - so I'll call them my bonus family. If I'm perfectly honest there are several of these people that I'm closer to than my blood related family, which isn't to say that I don't love my family or any thing. I think we some times work and wait our whole life to find those kinds of friends, or to at least find the ones that are in it for the long haul. I don't make it easy to become a friend of mine, at least I don't feel like I do, because I take a long time to open up. Maybe it's a self conscience way of testing people to see if they'll stick around. I have had to many people leave when I get close to them and open up so I try to keep my guard up to a certain degree. I have noticed lately that I am finally opening up and letting my guard down and being myself with certain people. Scares me because in the back of my mind I'm thinking what's going to happen. However, I know we're not promised tomorrow and I don't want to waste time worrying about that and miss the opportunity to spend time with people and be able to tell them what they mean to me or show them by helping them in some way. I appreciate the fact that all these people haven't given up on me, are there to encourage me and will always ask me to do stuff with them even though I may say no several times (not because I don't want to do stuff with them but it is that hard for me to say yes and open up at times). Some, actually most of them, I haven't known my whole life but only in the past seven years or so but I don't think it is about how long you've known some one that makes a friendship strong I recently found something on line that explained what a person's friendship truly meant to me in a way that I just couldn't bring myself to say to them. I think it also explains what kind of friend I want to be to others. And if by now your curiosity is getting the best of you what was on the picture, I will  finally put it to rest. This is what it said: I just wanted to say thank you. For what, you ask? Thank you for making my world a better place, thank you for taking the time to listen to my problems though you had to set aside your own....thank you for proving people still do care, thank you for being my friend... . So today I am thankful for my bonus family that have been so much more than just a friend and I think I've rambled on enough about that.

Goals

I think it's safe to say every one goes through a time in their life where they are trying to figure out who they are and where they are going. Some times people find out early on and are content for the rest of their lives, some it takes longer to figure out and than I think there are some that you know who and where you want to be but you work on it your whole life. I think I fall in the last one and I used to think that was a bad thing because I was having to always work on it but now I see that having to continually work on something to achieve a goal is good but it is bad when you stop working and trying to achieve whatever you want.It's kind of sad how much time we can waste in our lives trying to fit in and belong or be who we think we're supposed to be only to find out that you can put every thing you have in being what others say you should be and they will always find something that isn't right and you need to fix. I truthfully admire those that realize early on in life that you can't be the person every one wants you to be because it's impossible to be pulled in that many directions and fulfill all those obligations. It has taken me longer than it should have to realize that I have to be the person to decide who I want to be and what I want to do and I got to always be ready and prepared to work very hard at getting there. I can't let some one else do the work and expect the reward. Admittedly, it does seem to work for some like that but even if I could figure out how to do that I don't want it like that. When I set goals for myself and I finally reach them part of my elation is for finally completing my goal but the biggest part is in looking back and seeing all the obstacles I conquered to get there. Letting others do the hard work and you receiving the reward is a lazy way out, it's like being in a marathon but hiding out at the finish line to dart out and crossing the finish line just before the person that has run the full course can cross the finish line. You get the trophy but you didn't earn it. So even though I may see a huge hill that I just don't think I can get over to reach my goal I'm going to keep walking up it and no matter how many times I have to stop I won't quit until I cross that finish line.

Old Pictures

I love looking through old photographs even if they are of people I may not know, which probably sounds really weird. If they are of people I don’t know I like to imagine what they were doing the day they got their picture taken and what their life may have been like. Looking through pictures is a visual trip back in time. Many times growing up and even now I’d get my grandma’s photo albums out and start looking through them. Often I wouldn’t know who the person in the photograph was so I would ask who ever was at the house at the time. Occasionally, I would get a response of ‘I don’t know who it is either.’ and than other times I would get the most treasured of all responses, ‘Oh, that’s so-and-so, he or she is your (fill in the blank with a family relation)…’ and it would continue with a story, or stories about the person and an event that happen long ago. I guess it’s the part of me that loves reading but I could sit and listen for hours at a time of people telling stories about when they were growing up, especially the older generation. To often times we over look them and don’t want to take the time to listen to their stories or wisdom of what they learned from all of the things they have been through. I have some family members that have passed away and what I wouldn’t give to be able to sit down with them again and hear their stories. When my grandma got sick and fought her last round with cancer I so desperately wanted to sit with her and write down every little story she would tell me. To this day I truly regret not doing that. I have memories of a few of the stories still hanging out in my memory cabinets but not near as many as she told to me the short seventeen years I had with her. Another thing I wish I had more of are pictures of my grandma and of some more people. I personally despise having my picture taken and will do every thing I can and fight some one as long as I can before I will have my picture taken but if I had the opportunity again I’d take a lot more with my grandma. In fact, there is only one other person I truly hope to one day get around and get a picture taken with and no it’s no one famous but it is a good friend. I recently heard a lady say she carries around a picture of her son with her and some times when no one is looking she’ll get the picture out and kiss it. She said she didn’t do it because it was a piece of paper but because of whose picture was printed on that piece of paper and because she loved her son and was missing him. So often that’s why I’ll get out the old photo albums and look through them. I know the pictures can’t bring the person back but when I look at what’s printed on that paper for a time I can be with them again. Some times the pictures in our minds of people or even things aren’t as clear as we want but we can pull out those pictures and have that clear view of them again and if we’re really lucky some forgotten memory or story will be once again remembered. A little while  back I  had this happen to me and I would say it was an accident but I’m not so sure that would be true. I had gotten on Facebook and was looking through some old pictures I had uploaded to see if I could delete any when I came across a picture I had uploaded from when I was younger. It had some comments on it so I was reading through them before I made my final decision whether or not to delete that picture. A few comments down I see a picture and the name of my friend Tony who passed away this past December. I hadn’t even read the comment yet but by just getting to see his picture again it made me smile because it brought back the memories of him picking on me and than I read the comment and as I continued to smile tears began to roll down my face. I say all of this to just really say don’t ever just look at a picture and see a bunch of pixels combined to create an image because money can’t purchase those treasure memories that are held within those pixels.

As I was writing this post it reminded me of this song by The Judds:

Ever seen...

It appears I'm on a kick of starting my sentences with 'ever see...' so I figured why not write a post about it. Ever seen someone really searching for something to write about!

It all started when I was at the grocery store last night and I saw an old guy in desperate need of a chill pill, actually he could've also used a good smack in the head too, like Gibbs does to DiNozzo on NCIS. Kind of makes you wish they would invent a chill pill or since so many are in need of it but most are to proud to admit it maybe they could just invent it as a spray and disguise it as an air freshener. Back to the guy though, he really was being a hateful jerk to his wife and talking down to her over things that wasn't in her control. I seriously felt bad for her on so many levels and how sad that man thinks that's how you treat someone and no doubt it makes him feel inferior. I'll happily be called an old maid and stay single forever instead of being in a marriage like that. I know it's not a simple get out of the marriage situation for the women involved and how they got there is many levels deep of a lot of baggage at times. My main point without getting to deep and thought provoking was just that some people seriously need to quit taking life so seriously and just relax and not stress over the things we have no control over, like the cookies that guy wanted being out of stock.

Fast forward to me driving back home when I see my second 'ever seen...' moment. Ever seen a bunch of birds sitting on an electric wire and imagine them having a conversation. Some times I think they may be talking about their close calls with cars that day or if they were lucky enough to make someone feel bad and throw them a french fry at McDonalds. Or maybe they are scoping out the cars in the parking lot and daring each other to go leave a nice little present on the hood or windshield of the car that just came from the car wash. Birds some how know this just like it never fails to rain after you wash your car.

My final 'ever seen..' moment came this morning when I started work and opened my email. Ever seen those people that seem to get great enjoyment out of writing things (in this case) or saying things in a way to make it seem like you don't have enough sense to find your way out of a paper bag. I'm sorry my telepathy senses aren't what they used to be and constantly getting told different things doesn't exactly help. The most shocking of all, I am human and can make mistakes and do wrong....I'll wait while you gasp in shock at this realization......it always irks me when people make it like they are making fun of you because you messed up. I know it's probably not the case but people got to remember when you type an email you got to be a bit more cautious and thoughtful in how you word things. I'm still waiting on the sarcasm font which would help me a great deal. That one was more or less just used to get that off my chest because it was frustrating me.

Now I'm off to find my next 'ever seen...' moment.

To publish or not...that is the question

I recently finished rewriting the story that I thought I had finished back in November, so I guess I should use the term finished very loosely. Anyway, so far I've given a copy of it to two people to read  and I kind of feel like I'm back in school waiting to see what kind of grade I'll get on a report I worked really hard on. I was told by one person it should be published (I just gave the other person a copy of it last night so she hasn't had time to say anything yet), but I'm fairly sure that she was just being really, really nice about it. Although it did get me thinking (again) about looking into self publishing my poems and the two stories I have written. I've gone back and forth on it so many times in just the past few days that I'm just going to have to force myself to quit thinking about it before it drives me crazy. I just don't think my writing are that good or even something others would like to read but I do seem to be my own worst critic. My problem seems to be that I always think when people read something I have written and say it's good I automatically think they are just saying that to be nice and not hurt my feelings and I'm not sure how to completely get out of that mindset. I have posted a couple of my poems/writings on here and on Facebook which is a step I suppose. Obviously, not every one is going to like every thing I write, whatever it may be, which is fine. All I can keep thinking is I want to do more with my writing, at least improve it if nothing else. It's not like I want to make a career, or side career with writing but I....uh, this not thinking about it is already proving to be very hard. I must be off to try to find this off switch to my thinking

What is normal?

 Why do we always think we know what normal is and are constantly trying or thinking people should become that and if not there is something really wrong with them?  I've always had mixed feelings about  being that quiet, shy girl but most days I don't think I'd change if there was a magic button to push to make me however I think would be better. I actually like a lot of the things that people seem  to want to try and mae me change, like talking. It's not like I don't know how to talk or don't want to talk to people, with the exception of a few topics, I just don't particularly like to talk. Plus there are some people that it's easier to talk to than others. Some times I'd like to return the question of why don't you talk more with why don't you listen more because it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to people. Always makes me wonder where that book is that states what normal is. Wouldn't that be an interesting book, to say the least, if there was a book that had every one's definition of what a normal person is. Kind of makes me wonder how people would define normal if I was to ask them. I think to often we keep our definition of normal to constricted and perhaps that based on each persons comfort zone. Good example may be, I get really nervous and anxious around people that are really loud, have to get up in my personal bubble when talking or in other words the opposite of me but because being around them makes me have to get out of my comfort zone can I rightfully say that they aren't normal? I don't think so but I think if one was to honestly take a look at the list of the people they put in their not normal list it is mostly because they are people that make you have to be outside your comfort zone if you are around them. Looks like I'm going to have to add the question what is normal to my list of questions that will never be fully and truthfully answered. My normal may be abnormal to others but I like it and I don't think it is causing any harm to others and at the end of the day I think that's what's most important.